The Harland Highway - Podcast 44

Episode Date: December 2, 2009

Bold, fresh, hazelnuts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroy, even! On to the Harland Highway. You've got... Cancer's at the anus? Why, George, I think he's got it! Stop it! Stop it! You're busting my heart!

It's Harlan Williams! Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, or five-year mission of all they go. What are you doing here, Kirk? Scotty's remains are lost up in space. Yeah, I heard about that.

Apparently, you know, Scotty died, and they put his remains in a urn, and they were supposed to, you know, drop them from space or something, and they got lost up there. God, these remains are floating around in space. They might be devoured by the Klingons. Yeah, I don't think Klingons really exist.

What are you talking about? The Starship Enterprise has been attacked, but the Klingon's over and over again. There is no Starship Enterprise, Kirk. Captain's log Star Day 5, 7, 3, 2 1 of them. Foster is suggesting that the Starship Enterprise

doesn't exist. Kirk! This is a real story. Scotty was a guy who played a guy on your TV show, Star Trek. Okay? And he wanted his remains taken up into orbit,

and they got lost up there. Now, Scotty's ashes are floating around in orbit. Captain's Log, Star Day 5, 7, 3, 2. Someone is trying their brainwashing techniques, trying to suggest that the Starship Enterprise does not exist, and the Scotty, my first officer, is floating around in space like so much space stuff. Okay, Kirk, knock it off. What I'm telling you is real. I must ask you to go down to the bridge. What bridge?

The bridge over troubled water, Simon and Garfunkel. Get out of here. You high on some. thing? I've been snorting Scotty's dust. What? Scotty's space dust. Right up my nose. I'm high as a kite right now. Get out of here, Kirk. I would if I could find the bridge. Get out of my off. God. Out. Get out of here. Oh, God. Ah, yes, good old Scotty. I cannot do it, Captain. I don't have the dilithium crystals. Did we ever figure out what dilithium?

Crystals were, by the way. I know what crystals are, but do we know what the word dilithium means? I love the way they just made up a word, and it sounded so official, and so perfect for their needs. It was the dilithium crystals that powered the Starship Enterprise. God, space, huh? How do you like these guys that these millionaires? These guys that have, you know, millions and millions of dollars, and they buy a ticket to go up into space.

And they don't really land anywhere. Like, they don't land on a planet. They don't land on the moon. They just really go up into orbit and float around. You know, these guys are paying like $5 million, $20 million, $35 million for a trip up to the atmosphere, right, into orbit and then back. Would you pay that much? I guess so, right? If you got all the money, you know, how about that?

You pay $30 million to go into space and you come back and you still have $700 million. How many of you are struggling just to pay the $6,000 or the $2,000 on your visa card? Don't you love that? I don't you love the way there's so much diversity in people's incomes and their lifestyles? That's what I kind of hate about sports, right? Like you watch a baseball game or a football game. Let's say baseball, right? You're watching, you got Manny Ramirez.

you got Derek Cheater, you got A-Rod, you get all these superstars, right? And kind of the way they package it, it's like, hey, look at these super athletes, right? But then strip away all the marketing and the team logo and the press and the hype. And then just like watch the game for what it is and go, I'm watching like 30 millionaires play a game of ball, right? If you peel away all the hype, all the crap, what do you got? You've got A-Rod who makes something like, you know, 35 million a year, and Derek Jeter and all the rest of them.

So what are you doing? You're paying 45 bucks, 60 bucks, 100 bucks to go eat a hot dog, sit in a giant stadium and watch a bunch of millionaires run around the bases and hit balls. Multi-millionaires. Okay, picture this. Let's say someone said to you, hey, let's go to the baseball diamond and watch one of the Rockefellers and Bill Gates and the guy who owns Fox and a bunch of rich oil sheeks. let's go sit, pay $40 and let's go sit in a baseball diamond

and watch Bill Gates try to hit a grand slam over the wall. Right? Because that's what you're doing. You're watching millionaires play a game. It's kind of weird. I almost feel like sports figures should be more scrappy, right?

They should be kind of underdogs. Guys who, you know, like that movie Raging Bull. They go home and they walk around the house And a wife beat her shirt And they yell at their wife Hey bring me a pork chop Bring it over Bring it over here

It's burned it's burned like a piece of charcoal Yeah well you just play for the Yankees Yeah well the Yankees just paid for that pork chop That you burnt like a piece of charcoal Did you just spit on the floor? Yeah what about? I just wondered you know I wish sports figures were grittier and I don't mean like the thug mentality a lot of these yahoo's in the NFL you know every year some guy gets knocked up on a gun charge or attempted

murder or dog fighting or drug possession no no no no I don't mean that crap that's for losers I'm talking about guys that just have some attitude and live in a dirty two-bedroom apartment and can barely feed their kids and the only kind of reprieve they have is, you know, four nights a week they get to look forward to getting out on that ballpark and making some magic happen for the hardworking folks

that came and bought a ticket and sitting in the crowd eating a hot dog. No way. These guys put on their three-piece suits and their gold watches and got on their private jet and flew into the city and got the limo to the Ritz Carlton and then got a massage from their trainer for two hours before they pranced out onto the field

and you're paying $12 for a hot dog and $8 for a beer and 65 bucks for your seat. So you can watch a bunch of multi-millionaires play a little baseball. Nice. I'd like to see some of these millionaire baseball players go in and run Microsoft.

Huh? Derek Jeter sitting there with Bill Gates. Right? A-Rod running the fox. Fox News Empire. Right. Oh, what a world. The Fox News Empire.

Speaking of Fox, man, do you watch the news? Do you watch Fox? Do you watch CNN? Have you noticed that the damn anchor people are like, especially on Fox? The other ones, some of them. But a lot of these anchor people are hotties. They're like getting, Fox has gotten blunders. lawns with like they have their legs hanging out with with with

streetwalking pumps their legs are all shiny and their hair's done and they get this makeup on and damn forget the Victoria's secret fashion shows they do I'm watching the news man they get some hotties on there woohoo give me some CNN ass Yeah. Give me some Fox News booty. I'll have me some MSNBC Hooters. Woo-hoo! Yeah, they are hot, Papa.

Yeah, that's right. Look at that hot mama. It gets where I'm talking about seeing the hot mama. Yeah, on the news, Fox, MSM.M. NBC, CNN, all these news chants, the hottest chicks on the planet aren't at spring break anymore. They're not in Milan. They're not in Paris. They're not on the catwalks in New York. They're anchoring the news all day long on cable television, man. You turn on the news, you're thinking, oh, great, here's another one of those infomercials for Girls Gone Wild. What's this hot he going to do?

And then all of a sudden she opens her mouth, she gets like, Tonight into Crete, there's been another car bombing in Iraq. Three soldiers were wounded and nine went to the hospital. Sounds like the government, you know, I mean, what the hell, huh? It's heating up out there in cable news country. These chicks are supermodels. And they're smart too. I mean, they're talking about world affairs, politics, wars.

This is me watching the news. I'm sitting there watching for half an hour. my buddy comes in hey man what's on the news anything happened uh what i said anything happened on the news uh uh yes she's a 10 out of 10 no wonder it's kicking katie korek's ass you're over the hill baby you're competing with the uh supermodel league now hello i got to go watch me some news gone wild Although in keeping with the whole news anchor theme, I got to say it's actually getting a bit out of control because I don't know if you've noticed this.

I don't know if you watch the cable news or any news, but have you noticed how all of a sudden every news anchor and their sister has a book? Like there's like anchors from CNN and there's anchors from MSNBC and Fox and CBS and NBC, and they've got a book. Suddenly some chick who's doing, you know, three hours a day on the stock market

and some kid buried in a hole somewhere. Suddenly she's got this big book she's promoting. Jane Valendez, How I Survived, Ostrajags, right? Or some bizarre title. And suddenly, you know, this chick's, plugging her own book on the primetime news. And it's like a self-help book, or it's like, why did you write this book?

Well, I thought my story was very dramatic when I was an addict and I was abused, and I had very low self-esteem. So I thought by telling my story, I could help other people with their story. Oh, please. Don't you hate people that use that excuse to get their BS out in? to the world or to make some money from the tabloids, right?

Like that McKenzie Phillips chick who came out and said that, you know, she'd been making whoopee with her daddy for like 32 years, right? And people were like, well, why are you coming out? And instead of saying, well, I wanted to make money off a book, they always use that old crutch, oh, well, you know, I thought if I could tell my story, it would inspire people and help them through their story. You know, I don't know if I'm buying that. I don't think so.

How about you're looking for some bucks to keep your lavish celebrity lifestyle to keep going? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free.

and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer. or specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping.

Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, these people that claim to be the poster people for a cause, did you ever stop to think what happens to them,

you know, two weeks after the media hype goes away? Did you ever really hear from them again? right like you know Drew Carey had a book where he was molested by his dad and you know

some celebrity did this and Roseanne had a past life and was molested by her mother and someone else was an alcoholic and someone was a drug addict and someone abused ladybugs with a microscope well I thought

that if I told my story it would help others cope with their issues and how about no how about you're just a doorknob maybe and i don't really trust your motives all right am i being too pessimistic here or am i reflecting just exactly what you would want to say to these people i don't know let's face it some people have problems but when people get out there and profit from their bad choices in life and their their questionable lifestyles, and then try to make it look like they're helping the rest of us by bringing it out into the light.

Now, I don't know. I just really question that one. But by the way, did I ever tell you about the time my father... No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But my mother, she... No, I'm kidding. Okay, my mother used to make me stand in the closet, covered with bacon,

Greece. No, I'm kidding. But I'm going to write a book about it. I was a teenage bacon boy. I was a Why Mommy made me bacon? You know, some catchy name

for some ridiculous symptom. Learning to live with bacon and loving it. Why I won't let bacon beat me down by Harlan Williams. A A stunning new self-help book by Harland Williams.

I may be Bacon, but I'm still a little boy. Harlan Williams presents, Don't let Bacon run your life. I don't know. Did you get where I'm going with this? People writing books about every little do-ditty that ever happened to them. Good Lord. Good Lord.

And speaking of traumatized, what is the next thing? name of your town where you live or you grew up you might have grown up in a big city like seattle or new york but many of us grew up in small towns you know with funny little names like cranberry or you know wiggle town or uh blueberryville or something well how would you like and pardon my french here you know i try to keep the show clean but this just came to my attention when I was planning a vacation and I was cruising the internet and I think I might go on a vacation

to a town called fucking Austria. Okay? And I'm not using that as a cuss word. There is a town in Austria over there in Europe in case some of you don't know where Austria is. It's not in Texas.

That's Austin. There's a little town of 700,000, people in Austria called fucking. F-U-C-K-I-N-G. And let me give you a little history on fucking. No, this isn't a sex ed class. This is a geography class. Okay? The settlement of fucking has existed since at least 1070. Okay? So it's an old town. And, oh, I stand corrected. I'm looking at it here.

It only has a population of 107. So there's only 107 fuckonians. Is that what you would call them? Hi, I'm from fucking. Oh, you're a fuckonian. Yeah, I guess so. You got a fucking problem with that? No, I'm just saying you're a fuckonian.

Fucking right I am. Oh, God. this is spiraling real fast now it says here that fucking's most famous feature is its traffic sign with its name on it with something with tourists often get their picture taken with because you know you got to go home and show all your friends hey look man i was uh i wasn't fucking don't ever say that i'm not kinky and i'm a swinger huh i'm a i'm a swinger huh i'm I was in fucking. Have you ever been in fucking? And, of course, people steal the sign all the time.

Probably guys from America. Check out my road sign, man. Fucking. That's fucking cool. Fucking right, it is. Um, so, I don't know. Would you, would you like to have that name? The name, fuck?

I guess it came from a fan. family that once existed there. There was a family of fox that settled there. And that sounds so demeaning, but that's just their last name. Can you imagine running around life with that last name, man? Imagine a roll call at school in Austria. Yeah, van Wogelwagon here? Ah, shigel-vlogen?

Here. Uh, van schleigende fluegen. Here. And fuck? Here. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Fuck? Here.

Fuck! Here! Oh, God. How'd you get pulled over by the cops? Can I see your driver's license, please? Mr. Fuck. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Right? I'd love to see that on, like, you know, on sports teams. Like hockey or baseball. They put the, they put the player's last name on the back of the jersey. Right?

Imagine that in a baseball game, the World Series. Well, here we are. It's the New York Yankees against. the Detroit Tigers, and it looks like fuck is stepping up to the plate. Fuck, who's hitless in his last three games, is really looking for a big hit here. There he goes.

He stands at the plate, he lines up the ball, and fuck hits it out of the park. Holy fuck, it's going back, back, back, and fuck, it's a home run, fuck. Okay, is this going too far? Should I just shut the Fuck up Move on to another town

Wouldn't that be cool If the next two towns Like you had fucking Was the first town And then the next town was A town called Awesome And then the next town after that was called dude So in one day

You could drive through that part of the country You could drive through Fucking Awesome dude okay that's we had enough for this fuck fucking okay well pardon my french we were just talking about a town if you just tuned in um don't be offended and uh you know if you got any travel plans i really want you to think about fucking oh god i'm out of here street names, man. I'm in Florida.

I don't know if you've ever been to Florida, but, you know, all the street names are nautical. Okay? You don't want to get lost in Florida. It's like you pull up to somebody. It's like, hey, man, I'm lost. Can you help me get to the mall? And they're like,

oh, yes, you just go down to parrot feather, take a left on Coral Key, go all the way up to Coconut Grove, past Seashell Alley, go right there to Sea Turtle, and then take a right and go all the way around Coral Reef Crescent. And then you'll be right there, the mall you can't miss it.

It's on SpongeBob Boulevard. Oh, okay. Thanks, and your name? A Sally Flamingo. Thanks, Sally. No problem. The Harland Highway. Gonna go eat some shrimp. This is Eddie. He wants to party.

But they just hang up. Hello. Hey, how's it going, man? It's Eddie. Hmm? It's Eddie. How you doing? Hello?

Hey, Teddy. Hey, it's Eddie. Hey, Teddy. Maybe you want to maybe grab a beer, throw on the barbecue or whatever? Maybe, uh, you know, have a couple of Budweiser, some ribs. What do you think? Maybe, uh, corn on the cob, you know, we could have a good old barbecue. You in or what?

Maybe, uh, some sausages and chicken breasts? A couple of Heinekins, whatever, you know. Just have a beer. You, uh, you're down or what? Did you say this one? It's Eddie. From the hardware store, man. Maybe grab a couple of beers or something.

I don't know. I got the afternoon off. you calling for? I'm just looking for anyone to, you know, have a beer, maybe throw a barbecue together. You in or we could drop by? I don't know. I'd have to see what my husband's here.

Okay, well, is he there? Can you check it out? Or love to throw a little barbecue, have some beers? No, he's not home right now Well, maybe I could just come by We could have a couple of Pudwisers And I could wick up some ribs for us What do you think?

I don't know Could be a lot of fun I make a wicked barbecue Got the afternoon off I got nothing better to do How about you? I don't feel good. Oh.

What about tomorrow? I don't know. Um, what about maybe the day after that then? What the, what the hell? Hey, what the hell? I thought we were all.

from... What the hell? Hello? Hey man, it's Eddie. How's it going? It's Eddie. How you doing, man? Sorry, I... Get their own phone number. You want to go grab a beer or something or what? No.

Maybe you throw in the barbecue, have a frosting? What the hell? Hi. What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Oh, poor Eddie.

Did you hear the way that chick was almost kind of like, it almost sounded like she was getting into the guy for a minute and that kind of sleepy voice? You know, obviously she was like laying in bed and she's like, well my husband's not home right now then you know eddie's like well maybe i could come over and she's like i don't know wow imagine that if eddie actually finally got through to someone what a joyous day that would be we don't have to sit at home alone cruising the internet hello Do you do that?

Yeah, you guys listening, do that? Even you girls listening? How many of you are out there watching the porn? You know, you see stories on the news about this huge internet porn industry, right? People running around with their laptops. And how many of you guys out there is this happen to, okay? I'm speaking to you guys. right you're uh you're at home you're all by yourself you get the house to yourself

you're feeling a little uh you know randy so you uh you fire up the old laptop right and you flip it open you're sitting there at your table somewhere you got your laptop and you're like nobody's around you take all your clothes off yeah this is happening all over the country all over the world take your clothes off you're sitting there uh watching your your cyber sex and then all of a sudden the cleaning lady shows up or the pool guy or the gardener or the wife comes home early right and all of a sudden you're like slam you slam the laptop down right on your nut sack And then suddenly it's not a laptop anymore. It's like a George Foreman grill.

You know how those batteries heat up your laptop, right? So now you're trying to cover the evidence and your balls are getting flattened and fried inside your laptop. Then the girlfriend or the wife busts her. She goes, you've been looking at porn again? You're like, no, no, not me. She's like, oh, yeah, well, how come half the letters of the alphabet? and the Apple logo are stamped in your nutbag.

Oh, I don't know. Busted. Oh, what a world. What a world. Stick with the real thing. I think it's a lot better, and you don't have to worry about slamming anything. Well, you know,

there's always time for some good slamming, right? But not the painful kind. so until next time everybody keep it clean keep doing the good slamming and uh who knows maybe even book a ticket take a trip to fucking do some slamming god thanks for joy to me sorry if it got a little dirty but uh you know that's the name of the town that's the name of the game and until next time. Chicken chowman, baby.