The Harland Highway - Podcast 46

Episode Date: December 11, 2009

Death by coyote, pet love, outdoor smokers, and a listener complains about the Harland Highway....sweet merciful pot roast!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, darlings. It's Holland Williams here on the Holland Highway, and today's show, Darling's, is brought to you by someone in the fashion industry, darlings. Yes, that's right, donkey teas.com. Yep, that's right, donkey teas.com. That's donkey tees.com. That's donkey t-e-e-es.com. The funniest t-shirts on the planet, right at that website. You can. order them you can get them custom designed they got them for men for women they got t-shirts they got hoodies some of these things start in at 10 bucks uh you can design your own they'll help you create your own artwork uh anything you want from the t-shirt world they got it right there at donkey tees dot com i personally get t-shirts from this website uh great stuff make for a great present and they are helping to sponsor the Harland Highway today. So get over there to donkeytees.com. And on a sad note, today's show we have, you know,

I hope it's not a downer, but, you know, I like to talk about everything and anything, and I won't give it away, but today's show we have a topic about a young girl, a 21-year-old, promising young entertainer, who was killed, struck down in the prime of her life. And I'm not going to tell you how it happened, where it happened, or why it happened, but pretty bizarre story, kind of sad.

We're going to get into it. And, you know, just kind of a peculiar story. And then we're going to get into your pets, okay? People love their pets. Would you give your life for a pet? Are you one of these people that would run into a burning building or jump in an ice cold river to save a Cocker Spaniel or a Siamese cat?

I don't know. We're going to get into that. And then something that fascinates me as winter closes in. Smokers. You know the smokers that huddle outside and they're not allowed to smoke in their office building so they smoke outside?

Yeah, I got a take on. that that I think will amuse you. And then lastly, I got a letter from one of my listeners that was griping about me, you know, stating the name of the show too often. Some guy likes the Harland Highway. He just doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to hear the H words. No double H for this guy, so we're going to talk about that and a whole lot more.

uh let's just do it right let's pull the harland highway gun out of the holster pull the trigger and kaboom let's go we're on the air with the harland highway all aboard you just made a wrong turn heavens to murgatroy give them onto the harland highway you've got cancers at the anus why george i think he's got it stop it stop her You're busting my heart.

It's Harlan Williams. Oh, welcome to the Harland Highway. I am Superman. No, I'm not. I'm just Harlan Williams. And you are super people for being here. Just super. I want to start the show off today with kind of a

weird story with a whole bunch of stuff going on it's a tragic story it's kind of a scary story it gets kind of weird and creepy and downright eerie and uh it's just an odd story and and let me get right into it it's uh i was up in in montreal doing a a show in montreal not too long ago and on the national news they ran a story about a young girl Canadian girl beautiful young Canadian girl I think she was like 19 or 20 or 21 or something and she was just getting going in the music industry I don't remember her name she's kind of so fresh probably people don't know her name but the story is sad and it's tragic and she was was kind of doing her first tour in Canada, and she took a bus all the way to the east

coast of Canada to Nova Scotia, her new Brunswick, one of those maritime provinces, and she was waiting to do her gig that night and thought, you know what, I'm going to go on a little excursion. There's a, there's a trail, like a nature trail that goes through the woods that people take all the time and blah, blah, blah. So she decides to go on a little nature walk to get loose to clear her mind to take him the sights and sounds of nature. She's walking along, and this is a trail that's used by a lot of people, and a couple of young coyotes show up on the trail. They determined that these coyotes were maybe less than two years old, possibly, three years old. And all of a sudden, here's this, this young

girl walking along and these coyotes are like we gonna have us a buffet we gonna have us a folk singer buff right here and these sons bitches they attacked this this young girl and killed her now that is sad sad said it was sad to hear about that i mean it's just sad that she was killed it's a horrific way to die to picture someone being kind of bitten to death and mauled at and ripped at. So there's the sad part of the story, and it's stuck with me. You know, I've been home for about maybe three weeks now, and for some reason it just kept sticking in my head.

And I think part of the reason is cut to the other side of the country on the other coast of North America. Here's yours truly, Harland Williams, living in the Hollywood Hills. right and people don't know this but the hollywood hills are crawling with coyotes they are a common occurrence up here i mean don't get me wrong they're elusive they're very private they're cunning they're secretive and you know you don't see them all the time but in a year you'll see them a few times a year and i have one of these unique properties up in the hollywood hills where most properties in the Hollywood Hills

are on the edge of the hill and the houses are on stilts. They have no lawns. They have no front lawn. They have no back lawn. They have a road. And the road comes right up to their front door. And you go in the house.

And if you were to walk out the living room window, it would be like Wiley Coyote. Well, there's a good reference. And you would just fall down into the valleys and roll down the hill and like roll into the... subway down on the sunset strip, which might not be bad to have a nice, healthy last meal before you'd perish.

But anyway, so I've got one of these few properties up here where I have flat land. I have like a quarter of an acre, and it's flat land, and I have a lawn, and I have grass, and I have trees, and it's quite lovely. And because I have the flat land, coyotes and bobcats and deer, and possums and skunks and owls and lizards and snakes and everything wanders around on my lawn raccoons it's insane it's like Noah's Ark up here but this story about the girl who got mailed got me thinking about my coyotes around here because very often I'll be sitting in my living room or come out

of my office and there's two three coyotes prancing around on my lawn so here's where it gets a little eerie okay so the story's been on my mind and i thought you know what the coyotes on my property the ones i see in the hollywood hills they're very skittish they're very leery of humans the second they see you or hear you they kind of just run away so i'm like i'm not worried about coyotes i'll kill the bastards but then when i heard this story i got i re-evaluated my Coyote confidence, my C-C, yeah, my C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-coadence. And I started to question if, what if these guys didn't kind of look at me and go, oh, that there is a Harlem buffet.

Oh, player, please, I got me some hauling meat tonight, player. I'm going to have me a hauling butt cheek. and a holland scapula and some hollin ankle bone pliall and i don't know what accent that was but what the hell if coyotes could talk i hope they talk like that so i'm in my office and i'm doing a little work i'm painting or whatever and i want to take a break so i walk over from my office over to my house okay i got a house and then i got a guest house and the guest house I made into my office, right? So as I'm walking over there, I'm thinking about that girl again. And I'm thinking about coyotes and blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, oh, well, you know, how sad. I go in the house, I'm watching a little TV on the couch. I get tired, and this is a common thing for me. I lay down on the couch, and I pass out. And by the way, in case you want to know what I was watching, I was watching the Seventh Voyage, the Golden Voyage of Sinbad. because that's the way I party. I just love those old movies where he wears Sinbad.

He's got seven different accents. You never know where he's from. One scene he's Arabian, and the next scene he's German. But I love it when he fights the centaurs and the one-eyed cyclops and all that. But I digress. I digress. So anyways, I'm watching the Golden VIII. Voyage is Sinbad, and I feel the old eyes getting heavy.

And if I was a cyclops, I would just say, I felt the old eye getting heavy, but I'm not. So, as I commonly do, I lay down on my beautiful, comfy couch, and little cinnamon boy closes his eyes. And, you know, it's always warm down here, usually. I leave my front door open, which faces right out on the... of my beautiful lawn that I just described you. And Daddy falls asleep. The Sandman comes and visits Daddy. Daddy was watching Sinbad fight the baddies,

and the Sandman came and said, go to sleep. No more Sinbad. Go to sleep, Daddy. Why am I calling myself Daddy? I don't know, but I like it. Shut up. Daddy. Shut up.

So I fall asleep, right? And one of the last things I was thinking about was this girl getting mauled by a coat. Now, here's where it gets creepy, eerie, and a little bit scary. I wake up about two hours later, okay? Sun's still up. I wake up, I pop up, first thing I do is I look out my window because my living room looks right out onto the lawn, right out over the cliff with a nice view.

What the hell do I see standing right there on the other side of the pool? Okay, there's the living room, my windows, the pool, and then the lawn. I know I live a nice life. Thank you. I earned it. Don't think I'm being pompous. I've friggin worked my ass off for that greasy pool. So anyways, I sit up and standing on the other side of the pool. pool, eyeing my open door, and I'm not making this up, this is 100% you, eyeing my open door

with this kind of demonic look on its face was a full-grown coyote. And he's kind of sniffing. You know, and I don't know if the human body gives off a different scent when it's inactive. Like, does the human body smell different chemically when it's sleeping versus when it's active? I don't know. Animals do know this stuff. So here's this damn coyote looking, and I'm like, what the H? What's the HP steak sauce? And this coyote, I don't know if it had bred with a dog,

but most of the coyotes up here just have a nice brown, like kind of sandy brown thick coat. And this one had that, but it had little slightly faded dark patches on it. It almost looked like it had this coat of a hyena. If you can picture a hyena, but his spots were much more faded. You can barely see them, but I have a sneaky feel, and this coyote might have bred with a dog or something. I don't know.

But it was a full-blown coyote, believe me. I know what they look like. And I'm like, holy God. And it made me rethink the whole thing that what if this guy was like, Okay, man. There's a body in there, and it ain't moved in an hour and 59 minutes. I'm going to get the buds, and we're going to come up here, have us a buffet, okay? A Hollywood Hills Mofo Buffet player.

It was a little scary. Normally, I'm not scared by these guys. I'm like, whatever, get out of my way. but it was a little disconcerning. It threw me off a little. It was very strange. It's funny how there's a cycle, you know. Sometimes when you're thinking of something really hard

and then all of a sudden that thing you're thinking of like happens, even if it's like very weird. And make no mistake, coyotes aren't the dumbass animals you see in the cartoons. All right? They're not riding around. with jet packs on their back and planting birdseed in the middle of the road. Coyotes are predators.

They're top-notch predators. They're opportunists. They're scavengers. They're always looking for the free meal. Okay? Just like Rosie O'Donnell. Except the difference being they don't wear spandex. And they're not loud and annoying.

So who knows what was going through this guy's mind? I'm just laying there like a piece of meat on a couch. Could there be an easier meal? Hey man, come on, buds. There's a 6'1, 200-pound slab of meat laying here. Hey, screw the meat. He's watching Sinbad. Let's sit down and watch Sinbad.

Imagine that. They just bypassed me. I wake up and there's four coyotes sitting cross-legged on my couch watching Sinbad. Oh, man, look at that, look at that freaking Cyclops, man. Yeah, go Simbad, poke him in the eye, man, poke him in the eye. Yeah, Simbad! I'm like, what the hell? Somebody called Little Red Riding Hood and dip my face in gravy.

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And I'm sticking to it. That is a real story. Kind of odd how sometimes life plays out and weird things happen. Just thank God I'm alive, people. Okay? Thank God you're listening to this podcast. I could have been inside a coyote's stomach right now doing this podcast. And how would that sound? That would be all echoy and annoying and stomach gurgling and you'd up to sit here and listen. Hey, this is Harlem Williams, Williams, Williams, Williams. And you're riding down, down, down the Harlan Highway, way, way, way, way. Hope you enjoy the show, show, show today, today, today. And look at this. A, Rat carcass, carcass just floated by me, me, me, me.

Yeah, so there you go. There's my little eerie, creepy, sad story. And just in closing, rest in peace to that poor, unfortunate girl that got killed by coyotes. What a way to go, so young in life. Our hearts and minds go out to that poor little lady. And let's hope that nothing so true. Tragic happens to anyone here listening. God, let's just get out of this.

Let's move on, change topics, and have a listen to this. Okay, people, Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway, and please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. But if you see a dog drowning in the ice on a frozen lake, Have you see a dog in the upper window of a burning house? If you see a dog being sucked down a raging river? I hate to say it, but let it go. Okay?

You got to let it go. And I know that's hard. We all love dogs. But I am tired of reading in the paper or seeing on the news. Every year, there's these tragic, horrible stories about people who jumped in or ran in

or dove in for a dog and guess what they didn't come back out okay dogs are beautiful creatures we love them they love us back they live on an average

10 to 12 years maybe 14 if they're lucky we live to be 80 on average you do the math okay dogs chew bones chase balls and lick themselves they can shake a paw

cuddle in your lap they eat they sleep that's about it some of them can bark on command some of them can catch a frisbee okay see where I'm going here

people. They're great creatures, but are they really worth losing your life over? Are they worth leaving your family behind? Are they worth leaving all the untold potential that you might have offered the world?

Maybe they are to you. It's a free country you can do as you please, but I just hate reading these stories about people that gave it all up. for Fluffy If you want to save a dog Go down to the Humane Society

and pick up a dog that's on death row You might not be able to save that dog In the window of the burning house Or the one being sucked down the river Or the one in the frozen ice clinging to life But it's you or him

And you got to make a choice I know it's not a great topic It's a little depressing But I'm just telling you people Next time you're about to do Something heroic for your dog Keep in mind It could be the last dog trick

You ever do Common Sense Milkbones And Stephen King's Pet Cemetery Put it all together I think you know what I'm saying here on the Harland Highway. Okay, so maybe that wasn't too much more uplifting, but that was a little common sense.

And yeah, that is a touchy topic. Believe me, you think I've had dogs. I love dogs. You think I'd want to stand there and not running across that frozen pond to grab my dog or jump my impulse isn't to jump in the river or climb up that burning building? to get my dog. No, I would love to. And who knows

maybe I would. Maybe I would. But I gotta tell you, man, reading these stories about people getting killed by doing that, it's just, it's so senseless. Oh, there's

no winners. There's no winners, but you know, don't make a bad situation worse. Animals have pretty good survival skills. They'll either jump or they'll claw their way to the side of the river or they'll, you know, they can probably survive in a frozen lake a lot longer than humans can. They have fat and fur and they're animals. They have that animal survival instinct that we don't seem to have anymore. Well, what are you talking about? I got a lazy boy and a, uh, a valuer blanket and my

TV remote. Are you telling me, I can't survive you, whippersnapper? Yeah, that's probably the mentality here. I'd like to see some old guy floating down a raging river and his lazy boy. God. But anyways. Okay, I said I was going to switch to something more cheery, and I went into that. So let's go into something that I think is actually quite funny. And I don't know if we have smokers listening.

I imagine there's a percentage of you that smoke, right? And you ever notice now that it's illegal to smoke in office buildings? And I was walking through a cold city recently. And I was amazed to see that people were willing, you know, average Joe's, office workers, people leaving their cubicles, leaving their offices, leaving the warmth of their office to go and stand out in the cold and smoke. and smoke cigarettes, have a cigarette break. And I've got to tell you, man, I can't, I've never seen people look more uncomfortable. I'm like walking down the sidewalk briskly

because I'm freezing my ass off. And here's these Yahoo's standing huddled together. Like, you ever see that movie March of the Penguins and all the penguins like huddled together for warmth? And they're all kind of hunched over and they're kind of just kind of jostling around and moving on the spot and just kind of wiggling a little bit to keep the blood flowing. That's what these smokers look like.

Have you seen them? They come out of the office building. They stand out in a freezing Chicago wind in the middle of January and February. Right? And they're huddled together and their backs are hunched and they've got one hand in their pocket and their feet are kind of moving to keep the blood going. They're sucking away on that

God-loving cigarette. I don't think there's any other entity in the world that would get human beings out in the coal. You need to tell me if you work in a, let's say you work for IBM in an office building, right? And I'm down on the sidewalk

and I'm dressed as a French waiter and I've got a lobster sitting out on a little table with a tablecloth and a glass of red wine. and it's minus 32 degrees on a nice Chicago winter day. I've got the drawn butter, which is already solidified because it's so cold. And I throw some pebbles up to your window. Hey!

Hey, you up there! Hey, hey, you on the ninth floor. You! Who me? Yeah, you. What do you want? Come on down. Come on down.

Sit in the cold. I got a lobster dinner here for you. It's free. What? Free lobster dinner, red wine. Unbelievable, you're going to love it. Mashed potatoes, green beans. Oh, that looks delicious.

Well, come on down, sit down and have a free lobster dinner. Are you nuts? It's freezing out there. Slam. Okay, same guy, right? I start throwing pebbles at his window. Slam, slam. Smack.

Hey, what the hell's going on down there? Hey, man, come on down. What? What? I don't want your lobster. No, no, I got some camel cigarettes. What? Yeah, camel cigarettes. Oh, my God, I'll be right down. Guy doesn't even take the stairs.

He's just like, I'm coming out the window. You got a light? Yeah, right here. You want the lobster while you're here? No, just give me a couple more cigarettes. It's amazing. Humans won't do anything in the cold, but they'll go stand outside and smoke a cancer stick?

What the hell is the matter with you, people? March of the Penguins. March of the freaking Nick Fitz. Huh? It's unbelievable. I carry like a little thing of those canned sardines with me now. Whenever I go for a walk in a cold city. It's hilarious.

I just walked by the march of the cigarettes huddled together, crank open the sardines, and start throwing them. Hey, hey, I got sardines. They're all like, we're going to see them scurry around, sliding along the sidewalk on their bellies with a cigarette in their mouth, napping up sardines. Oh, yeah. I'm having fun with that.

With the March of the Cigarettes, gang. Wow. Unbelievable. Now I'm hungry. I've been talking about lobster and sardines. I'm going to go get some seafood right here on the Harlan Highway. Oh, man. If you ever go out to dinner with a big group of people like six or eight,

or 10. You're all friends, but you're not intimate. You're not dating, obviously. You're just a big group of buddies, girls, guys, whoever, pop, hooray. And at the end of the meal, the old Bill comes along. And everyone's passing it around. What did I get? How much was the appetizer? I had three drinks. No, I only had two drinks. Well, I had the extra cheese. Well, how about you? You had the a crab dip in the soup. I didn't have the crab dip in the soup. That was Jerry. I mean, oh my God.

Could there be a bigger cluster? Hello. I mean, they should have a bill sorter or something. Some guy who's like an auctioneer just comes in. You have the salad, you have the lobster, you have the fizzling, you have the duck, you have the salad, you had the duck, you have the salad, you had the shrimp, you had the meatloaf, you had the rose beef, you have the salad. Okay, thanks.

You owe $30, $3.5,000, you own $3.5,000, you own $3.39,000,000,000,000,000, Oh, thanks. And I'm free to-on-big-tip-on-a-big-tip-on-a-big-tip-on at least 40% and 40%. Get out of here. We'll figure it out ourselves. Up yours, up yours, up yours, up yours, up yours, up yours, up yours, up yours, too. Hello! Get in organized.

The only thing I know, really, is that I'm here on the Harlan Highway, and that's for free. Hello! Harland Williams. Yes, yes, that's me. Harlan Williams, yes. You know, I actually had one of my listeners, and I respect everybody's opinion, whether it's good or bad or in between. But one of my listeners made a very interesting observation, and one that I kind of wasn't that aware of, but he said in his letter, he goes, I love your show, I love the podcast, but why do you keep saying the Harland Williams, excuse me, why do you keep saying the Harland Williams, the Harland-Williams, the Harlan,

highway all the way through the show. And why do you keep reminding us that we're on the Harland Highway and that you're Harland Williams and blah, blah, blah? Well, you know, very good point. And let me just tell you this. It's called brainwashing, my young inquisitive listener. I've learned over the years by brainwashing the public and the world, which is what I do. You're all brainwashed. But by saying something repetitively over and over and over again, you kind of emblazoned it into their mind, into the deep crevasses of their lobes, all the lobes in your brain.

So, you know, I don't say it that much, but every now and then I drop it into the middle of the show. You've probably noticed. Or if you haven't, now I've shined the light on it, thanks to my inquisitive little friend. But he's right. I do say it. And does it annoy you? Or do you like to be reminded where you are? Some people are very forgetful. Some people lose their point of reference. But more than that, I just have fun saying it. It's kind of like a little treat. Hey, this is Harlow Williams and you're on the Harlan Highway. It's kind of fun. It's kind of cool. It reminds you where you are.

It's like if you're at a cute little hotel on the beach and there's a flashing neon sign, you know, every now and then you look out the window and that flashing neon catches your eye. And you're like, oh, yeah, this is where we are. Cool, man, right on. Well, the Gulf Breeze Inn. Wow, all right, yeah.

This is kind of cozy and nice, and I dig it, man. I really dig it. Pass the heroin needle, man. Pass the crack pipe. Come on, man. Hurry up before the cops get. get here I don't know what that part man but you know I'm like comfort food so I just like to remind you that I'm the main course on the menu and and no I'm not I'm like the chef I'm like

the chef and you are the patrons and hopefully you come here because you like what I'm serving and you've got to figure out the check on your own I'm not going to help me I'm not going to help you figure out all the bitch you got to figure that out on your own we had a penguin bit we had a penguin we had a bit about a coyote we had a girl they got a bit by a coy we had a segment about where i got eaten by my car we got people throwing sardines guys jumping out of their winter okay whatever um but i hope it doesn't bug you i know that one listener said it and i'm you know what i'm cutting back on it i am cutting back on it i'm going on a saying where you are and who you're talking to diet all right so thank you for my curious inquisitive little friend listener who was observant enough to point that out because honestly it didn't occur to me and now it's in my wheelhouse man it's in my wheelhouse okay i'm going to sit down and i'm going to have some granola on the harland highway and i'm going to just make it a plan on the harland highway to not

talk about where we are, Harlan Highway, or who I am, Harlan Williams, in the future. Let's just cut that crap out. Harlan Williams, Harlan Highway, immediately. But no, keep the letters coming. Keep the phone calls coming. And watch out for coyotes on the old Highway of Life, the Harlan Highway of Life. Be safe, be cool. Don't wrap yourself in bacon.

entice the little farmans and we'll see you next time thanks for coming along for the ride folks we'll catch you next time on the harland well i won't even say it you know where you are you know who i am all i'm going to say is goodbye and chicken chow maim baby