The Harland Highway - Podcast 47

Episode Date: December 14, 2009

Holiday shopping, greenhouse gas solutions, Xmas decorations and a visit from Pshycologist Karen Attlewater to discuss holiday depression. Sweet clam sauce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, what a show, what a show, what a show. How do you like that? A little Michael Clark Duncan, bass on your ass, play. Oh, what a show we got today, man. We're continuing our holiday-themed show here, ramping up towards Christmas, or can you even say Christmas anymore? apparently not in some circles we're going to be talking about that

we're going to be talking about your Christmas shopping we're going to be talking about your decorating some crafty decorating tips of making the Christmas popcorn streamers setting up your manger your little holy manger in your house also already hitting some more serious topics we're going to be talking about greenhouse gases

and emissions and how we can maybe solve the global warming crisis. We're just going to be having a gay old time. And, you know, that's another thing. I don't know if you can even say anymore. Gay old time. We're going to be talking about the meaning behind that. And kind of a more really serious topic. Something that happens to people along the way during holiday season.

and they get Christmas or holiday depression syndrome. And we have an expert, a psychologist, psychiatrist, our friend Karen Adelwaters coming in to discuss holiday depression, which I hope is helpful to those of you that suffer from that. And speaking of Christmas, oh my God, I've got to tell you about a great place where you, you can go get Christmas gifts, a place called donkey teas.com. That's donkey, T-E-E-S dot com.

A great website. These guys have the funniest t-shirts on the Internet. They've got men's and women's teas. They've got hoodies. They got t-shirts starting at $10. They can do custom designs. They have existing designs. Comedy-themed, pop culture, edgy, funny, silly, groovy.

it's all there it's all there movie stuff drinking stuff anything you want on a t-shirt it's all there so if you're looking for a great gift idea that's cheap and they ship it out to you right away go to donkey t's dot com donkey t-e-e-es com and get yourself some presents for the the ones you love but enough about that oh my god are you ready Are you ready to do this? You got your seatbelt on. You're ready to put the pedal to the metal. Honk, honk, tut, beep, beep.

Let's get going down the Harland Highway. I'm ready. Come on. Let's go. All aboard. You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Mergatroy, even. On to the Harland Highway.

You've got cancers of the anus. Why, George, I think he's got it. Stop it. Stop it. You're busting my heart. It's Harlan Williams. Oh, my God. Or should I say,

Oh, my son of God. Yeah, that's right. We are coming up on Christmas, everybody. Oh, wait. Oh, am I allowed to say that word? The C word, huh? Can I say the C? Seward, Christmas?

God. I mean, son of God. I got to start, you know, putting that little add-on at the front just because it's his month, man. This was the month that Jesus was born. December 25th, it's coming up. Christmas Day, the C-word. Yeah, there's people out there that don't want you to say Christmas. They want to say holiday.

happy holiday how's your holiday tree did you open your holiday presents and then sure enough it won't be long till someone's offended by holiday you said the h word well i'm sorry what am i allowed to say just say day but isn't every day a day i don't care it's that's what we want we want a generic society where there's no discernible differences between any day of any week, of any month of any year. But it's the birthday of our son, Jesus, the Lord, Savior, little sheep of the Pascal Lamb. What did you say? Nothing.

I didn't say nothing. Happy day. Sunday, Monday, happy day. Tuesday. Well, God. Come on, folks. At what point do you go from being a free society to being an oppressed society, a communist society, when you don't have the freedom to say words.

I'm willing to bet that maybe less than 1% of Americans, of the population of America, are offended by the word Christmas. And does that mean the rest of everyone else who had no problem with it, who didn't even think about it, who enjoy saying Christmas, aren't allowed to say it. And of course, that's what these Christmas naysayers wanted. Like, you know what? I bet most people haven't even thought about the word Christmas

and how it affringes on our rights and our religious beliefs and blah, blah, blah. So what I'll do is I'll be the one guy and I'll get some media attention. And then I'll kind of, by getting exposure, it'll plant the seed in people. And then other people go, yeah, wait a minute, man. I'm not Christian. Why the hell should we be here in Christmas, man? It's got the word Christ in it. Screw that.

Yeah, well, guess what the word country music has in it? Are you telling me we should outlaw that, too? Boys? Huh? No more country music, boys, if you get my drift? Yeah, that's right. I said the C word again. Christmas, country music.

And it's just going to keep spiraling. I mean, the connotation of Christmas, the whole aura of Christmas is about brotherhood and love and understanding and giving and sharing and compassion. Is that really a word we need to outlaw on this day and age? The C word, Christmas? Meanwhile, you can turn on any radio station and hear gangsters using the real. Real C-word and calling women bitches and people using profanity and people on late-night talk shows being rude and dirty.

Where's the uproar over all that? Huh? Sitcoms and shows on television using profanity and suggestive lewd talking. I mean, where's that? Let's ban that. No, no, that's okay. Okay, but that Christmas thing, that's got to go. Brotherly love?

Love and sharing and compassion? What kind of world do you live in? Loser? Wow. Well, I'm always going to say it. Merry Christmas. And it's coming up, and have you done your shopping yet? Have you done it?

That's a toughie. it's one of those things where uh you know it's a lot of work it's a lot of running around and uh every year you kind of end up doing it late or you forget people or you got to drive from mall to mall to forget about it i'd rather be at home listening to my country music if you know what i mean hello oh i've tried it all man I try to get people what they want. I try to guess. I've done the catalog thing.

One year I was like, you know what? I'm not going to one store. I'm going to order everything out of one of these wonderful, shiny catalogs. And I found the perfect thing. And I got on the phone, and I ordered them. And I'm like, bang, bang, boom, done. I didn't have to wrap anything. I just phoned everyone and said, look in the mail.

And look in the mail. in the mail and look in the mail. In other words, some people got their presents like three weeks after Christmas. Some people never got their presents. I mean, it was a fiasco, a disaster. I just wanted to call UPS and put myself in a box and ship myself to China or something and disappear. And, of course, no one believes you. Oh, yeah, man, I ordered you a vibrating car seat.

so that when you drove, you'd feel like a thousand geisha girls were rubbing your sore back. Huh? You didn't get it? No, I really did. And it never shows up. And it's too much of a hassle to track it down. And you just threw 70 bucks out the window. And some guy on the loading dock is probably sitting in a vibrating chair laughing

his catalog covered ass off. Oh, it ain't. easy just go to the store put your arm up on one shelf open a pillow slip up like it's halloween and just walk along and knock everything off the shelf into your bag go home and wrap it and put names on it there you go christmas done easy martha stewart eat your heart out it's harlan William's here on the Harland Highway. Oh, my God. Speaking of presents, how about an early present for society for the world from me?

I do believe I have just figured out the energy crisis, the obesity crisis, the car crisis, all that stuff. All rolled into one. Okay? What are some of the biggest problems facing the world? It's greenhouse gases, it's emissions from our automobiles, right? It's the gas and the oil we have to pump for our automobiles. It's the pollution. It's the noise.

Okay. And then what's another big thing? Health crisis, obesity, fat people, no one exercises anymore. People are dying. They're getting diabetes, 45, 6, and diabetes pie, which is for the real major diabetes people. And when I say diabetes pie, I don't mean the mathematical equation. I mean diabetes, as they're being diagnosed, they're eating an actual pie.

And that's part of the reason they're in that state of diabetes pie. But dig this. Here's the solution. And it's something that was obvious to us, years ago. Oh, my gosh. Here it is, the Flintstone's cars. Right? Remember on that stupid cartoon with Fred and Barney? Barney? Okay, Fred. Bonnie, where's my wife? I don't know, Fred. What are those legs sticking out from under your bed? I don't know, Fred. Remember those two idiots?

Remember their cars? They had those cars that had a really basic frame, which would probably cost next to nothing to make. You can make it out of fiberglass, right? Keep it light. It's kind of like a capital H laying down, and then there's little notches in each end, and you slide a log in that's been notched,

and your front wheel and your back wheel is a log. a nice round log and then there's no floorboards you stick your feet out with a nice pair of Nike Air Jordans or whatever a good quality pair of durable running shoe and wherever you want to go you just start paddling your feet

let's ride with the family down the street through the courtesy of fights and feet and you run along the asphalt right And the more in shape you are, the faster you can go. Like, if you're a fatty, you're going to have to stay in the slow lane. But after all the driving you do, you're going to start losing pounds. You're going to start losing all that weight, burning all that fat.

And soon enough, fatty, you'll be in the fast lane. And so people will be driving and there'll be no emissions. There'll be no sounds of motors filling the air. just the sound of happy, healthy, pattering feet. Right? And people will be burning weight and they'll have good hearts. And it's genius. And the good folks at Hannah Barbera came up with it years ago.

And here we are trying to do all this modern technology. I don't see how an electric car is going to help me lose 10 pounds a week. Uh-uh, man. Give me the Flintstonemobile. Okay, friend. Buddy? What friend? Help saying my name.

Okay, friend. So there you go. There's my latest revelation, my greatest and greatest stroke of genius to off of the world. We get back to basics. We get riding around in the Flintstone car. right it's the new Ford Barney honked a horn and it goes that's okay frat introducing the new Dodge Wilma with airbags and right it's the new Mercury Dino that's the car for your dog your dog can actually you can actually walk

and drive your dog at the same time. You have your car. You're driving your new, you know, Dodge Wilma. And following behind is your dog in his very own Toyota Dino. Come on, little fella. And then for you young guys, you know, the cool college kids, you get the new Ford band. bam bam bam right because you got to be rock and roll you got to be tough bam bam

and for all you girls who you know the young girls who want to drive around are the ones that have the jeans where it says pink on the on the back or juicy girls that want to be cute they get the the new mercury pebbles oh god maybe that's too cute and for you girls that are big chested How about the new Mercury Boulders? Forget about the pebbles. Hello. So there you go. Problem solved, people.

Get rid of your gym memberships. You don't have to spend money on that. You're golden. So we'll see out there on the highway. And let's hope the department of highway goes along with this proposal and changes the hard asphalt surface to a nice spongy, rubbery surface so we don't wear out our 5,000 dollar Nike running shoes

We'll have a gay old time Oh yes We'll have a gay old time I guess can you really say that anymore Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes The answer is yes you always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's just kind of funny to hear that, you know, back in the day, 25 years ago, we'll have a gay old time. It was so innocent, right? But you have a gay old time nowadays, man. You're talking about, you know, possibly running around in leather chaps and handlebar mustaches and if you're having a gay old time, what exactly are you up to? I mean, we all know what a straight old time is.

You don't hear people singing that. We'll have a straight old time. No, we'll have a gay old time. A gay old time. It's just a whole new period in society's life and a gay old time. Probably means a gay old time nowadays. Maybe it means a couple old gay guys having a good time. I don't know.

You just don't hear that anymore in that context. Hello, Charles. Yes, it's David. Yes. Why don't you come over? We'll play some backgammon. It'll be a gay old time. I'm sorry, I'm busy

But I said it'll be a gay old time Yeah, I'm real busy Me and the wife are going out We're going shopping for furniture Oh, that sounds like a gay old time in itself What'd you call me? I said it sounds quite gay You want, what?

Yeah, it's just changed. It's different. Can't throw that word around the way you used to Back in the day. but hey that's life man everything changes um whether you're having a gay old time a straight old time a buy old time you can have any old time you want as long as you're spending time right here on the harland highway hey everybody this is harlan williams and i've got a christmas tip for you okay it's quick

it's easy put it in your hat and remember it many people it's a full family tradition, they get popcorn, and they get a needle, and they get a thread, and they string it. They string the popcorn through the thread. They make, like, Christmas wreaths, or they make a little, I don't know what you call it. You twirl it around the tree, or you put it over the mantle. This is just a quick little tip that's going to make your life a lot easier, make the process move along a lot faster. Do yourself a favor and pop the damn popcorn before you try this exercise. Yeah, you might want to pop it first.

Okay? Sticking a needle through those kernels is only going to end an impalement. So there you go. An early Christmas present. Do it right. Pop it right. Hang it right. And get the band-aids.

Yeah, I like that stuff, man. I'm one of these guys that likes getting the house ready for Christmas. You know, it's always kind of a fun feeling. It's just kind of a warm, fuzzy feeling. You know, you go down into the garage and you're like, okay, today's the day. I'm going to start decorating. And I don't mean the tree. I mean the house.

The decorating of the tree is a whole different beast. Decorating the house, you know, I'm talking about. putting the holly over the mantel on the fireplace. I'm talking about hanging the stockings at the fireplace. I'm talking about, you know, maybe you have a little statue of a snowman. You put in the middle of the dining room table. Maybe you frost the windows with fake snow.

Right? Maybe you have a little statue of a Christmas tree with carolers standing on the coffee table. Or maybe out in the hallway. Right when people walk in the door, you've got a little manger set up. There's little baby Jesus in the most unsanitary of conditions, being born next to a steaming pile of donkey manure, and sheep and pigs offering up their swine flu.

Happy holidays, Jesus! Thank you, my child. Thank you for. giving me your disease. No problem, Jesus. He-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-paging Dr. Guernsey-Cow to the major. Dr. Guernsey-Cow to the manger. Who the hell?

It's the son of God. What the hell? You give birth to him in a barnyard? I mean, you couldn't find a tool. tool shed or a gondola somewhere even out in a nice grassy field you got to do it in a barn with the flies and the manure and there's like a horse chewing uh excuse me could you stop chewing we're giving birth to the son of god yeah up yours well the nerve ah get me a carrot I mean, good Lord, on the roof, maybe in a train car.

I know they didn't have trains back then, but surely God could have arranged a miracle and had an empty train car. Good Lord, there's a, you know, Mary's given birth and there's a rooster standing on her forehead. Push, Mary, push. I'm trying, but someone's laying an egg on my face. What the heck? I don't get it.

But anyways, back to decorating the house. Oh, God. Good Lord, baby Jesus. But isn't it fun decorating the house? I like it. You feel all Christmassy and warm. And right at that moment when you decorate the house, let's say you do it three weeks out before Christmas.

Christmas or two weeks out, right at that moment, everything changes. Your life goes from being this raging, like rat race, this running around and got to do this, got to do that. And for some reason, there's a calming effect that occurs once you decorate that house. Everything just kind of goes, oh, okay, the holidays are coming. My house is all Christmassy. baby Lord Son of the Lamb God is being celebrated

Easy Easy I'm yours Right Oh it's just nice So I hope you don't mind me giving you these early Christmas tips And get you in the mood You know

It's getting close man It's getting close Or is the other side of the coin Does Christmas And this happens to a lot of people Does Christmas just bum you out, man? I guess they should talk about that. There's the yin and the yang.

Does Christmas just totally bum you out, dude? Like, totally, like, what a downer, man. Like, baby Jesus was born, and I used to be a party right? Like, I was a badass, and then the son of God showed up, and, like, suddenly I felt guilty about, like, partying and, like, smoking my grass and stuff. Wow, what about that side of the equation? We have a special guest in studio with us today.

Margaret Addlewood is here, a psychologist, and I guess we're talking today about how many people, at this time of year, with the holidays coming up, get depressed. A lot of people, believe it or not, do get depressed. We're going to be talking to Margaret about why they get depressed and what some of the remedies are to get out of the funk. Margaret, welcome to the show Well, thank you very much It's wonderful to be here Happy holidays Well, thank you

Happy holidays to you too It's a little early But don't say that That's negativity Okay, I didn't I mean, I'm just No, no, don't be negative That's part of the problem

Right there, Harlan Oh, okay So people should be optimistic, positive And they should do things To make them laugh When they're out and about They should do fun little things Little practical jokes

Like how do you mean? Well, you ever see that show Candid Camera or bloops, bleepers, and blunders with Dick Clark? Yeah, yeah, people. Well, what you can do is if you're out and you're doing your Christmas shopping or you're feeling a little bummed out about the holidays, if you see an old person or just someone standing near their curb, push them out into traffic. Excuse me? Yeah, just give them a little nudgy poo right out into traffic, Carla. Watch the fun-filled reaction.

It's just like bloopers, blunt. and bleepers with Dick Clark. Well, that's violent, and that's assault, isn't it? Well, there you go again, getting all negative, Harland. It's no wonder people get depressed when they have an attitude like yours. Well, it's not an attitude, Margaret. You can't go around pushing people. Well, you'd be surprised.

I've knocked a number, just a little nudge into front of the subway, down into the subway tracks. Hilarious holiday fodder. Okay, that is just illegal. That's murder. Yeah, murder for sure Because you're gonna die laughing When you see some of this stuff happen

The idea is to stay cheery And optimistic And have a fun-filled holiday Doing some practical bloops, bleeps and blunders Okay, this, you're completely nuts How about we go out on the sidewalk right now I saw a blind person earlier We could trip them up

And watch them roll head first into a mailbox Are you for real? You're gonna bust a gut When you kick the white cane And there they go right headfirst Into a mailbox The sound it makes alone It's just worth a thousand chuckles

Okay Uh Get her out What are you talking about? You're out This is not This is sick You're gonna be sick with laughter, Harlan

Out Unbelievable That is sick We don't advocate any violence Against anyone You don't push people in front of traffic You don't push people in front of subways. How about that little nudge right into the mailbox with the blind person, Harlan?

I said get out. You don't push any blind people. You don't do anything. You know what? Forget you heard this. I'm not going to forget because I'll be at the subway. Get her out. We'll be back, hopefully, with a real guest here on the Harlan Highway.

Unbelievable. Did you say Highway? I'd love to push you out of a moving country. Car Harley. Get her out. Yeah, believe it or not, some people just become crumagony. They become Ebenezer Scrooge around Christmas time. Scrooge.

Scrooge. Jake Marley. I say, you there, boy, go get me the biggest turkey in the butcher's window. What care? Yes, yes, here. And here's an extra tenpence if you kick the butcher in the nutbag. Well, car. Shut up and go, you little mucus.

God, do you like that movie? The Christmas Carol? It's actually a pretty good movie, and the older you get, the more you appreciate it. Because basically, you know, you all know this story. It's a movie about an old guy, and these ghosts come along and kind of take them on a journey of what is life. has been like and it shows him all the missteps that he took and all the cruel things that he did and all the unkind things and all the lies that he told and not only that but how they affected other people's lives and then they they they show to him what a little kindness could

have could have done how it could have changed the outcome how a little happiness and a little kindness and a little generosity can not only affect how you are as a human being, but how it affects other people. The slightest little things, even smiling at someone, can have an effect on people. But if you haven't watched it in a long time, watch it again. And who knows, it might even bring you to tears. If you really think about it and apply it to your life,

and, you know, there's moments in that movie where it shows how we kind of stiff the girl that loved them, you know, she wanted to marry him and have a family and he kind of left her kind of standing at the altar, so to speak, and it showed how he put his money above his well-being and his happiness and accumulating his fortune above accumulating meaning and fruitful relationships in his life. Watch it again.

I urge you to watch it again, and when you watch it, Apply it to you. Don't just sit there and go, hey, man, let's watch a movie. Yeah, I could get some chicken wings and I got Gatorade, man. Oh, this movie sucks, man. What, like, those ghosts look real. Like, where's the CGI, man? And who's this old guy playing Ebenezer Scroo?

Where's Brad Pitt? Now, get rid of all the Hollywood BS, okay? I want you to go out and rent the old Christmas Carol, the old black and white Christmas. Carol with Alistair Sims is the star. Remember that name, Alistair Sims. And I want you to watch that movie,

and I want you to put yourself into his position, and I want you to see yourself as Ebenezer Scrooge, and see some of the things, reflect on some of the things that maybe you could have done better in your life, or where you could have lended a helping hand, or made a difference somehow. And again, not just in other people's lives, but your own life. And really focus on the message of the movie

and apply it to how maybe in the future you could do things different and maybe be a better person. Because, look, I'm not trying to preach to you, but people, we could all be better people. All of us. I don't care if you're a priest, a nun. it's never too late to fine-tune yourself and make improvements and adjustments

that not only affect you, but like I said, other people. So get it, the Alistair-Same's Christmas Carol, you're nothing but a piece of undigested cheese or a little piece of beef. Do you believe in me, or do you not? Ebenezer Scrooge. I do, I do, I do believe in you. I do, I do, I do believe in ghosts.

Heavens to Murgatroyd, even. But no, in all seriousness, check out that movie. It's outside of the message. It's a beautiful movie. It's an old school movie. And it's just black and white, and it's one of those ones,

it's like a hot chocolate. It just warms you to watch it. It's a classic. I watch Alistair Sims acting in it. He's just incredible in it. It's almost comedic and beautiful and just some of the notes that he hits as an actor.

And as you get older, just see what you can see in this movie and just enjoy it and walk away from it and see how you can make the world maybe a better place. And that's it. I'm off my soapbox.

I'm only saying all this because, you know, like I said, there's always room to make things better in this world for all of us. So there you go. That's my hot Christmas tip. Don't forget coming up

on December 25th here on the Harland Highway. Oh, my God, I'm so excited. This is my first announcement. John and John will be doing color commentary on our annual Christmas Day parade. Oh, my God. I think it's going to be amazing. Almost the whole show is dedicated to them sitting at the parade, watching the floats come down the street.

It's going to be very similar to the wonderful color commentary they brought to the Thanksgiving, Day Parade here on the Harland Highway. Oh, God. One of them's an old salty dog and one of them's Mr. Positive Reinforcement. So don't forget Christmas Day, December 25th, we're ramping it up towards Christmas and this isn't just about Christians and people who celebrate Christmas. This is about, you know, enjoying the holidays. And even if we are Christians and Catholics, sharing our good feelings and our good vibes,

with you, whatever your denomination is, whatever your religion, your belief, even if you're an atheist, screw you, and sending you good tidings and good feelings of brotherly love. We'll have a gay old time. What the hell's you talking about?

So there you go. Let's get the holiday on player here on the Harland Highway. Thanks for joining me today hope you had a great time i'm harland williams and until next time chicken chow maine baby