The Harland Highway - Podcast 48

Episode Date: December 16, 2009

Ruldolph's nose, Dr. Karen Xmas depression, feel good foods, and a call to the North Pole with Timmy the Elf, Santa's #1 workshop elf. What a tinsley treat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas, boys, and girls. All right, it's just me, Harlan Williams. I'm trying to pass myself off as Merry Old St. Nick. But I do have a great way you can get your hands on some excellent, excellent Christmas presents. I want you to go to donkey teas.com. Donkey T's, T-E-E-S, and these guys have some of the best t-shirts you're going to be able to find out there this season. They got men and women's T-shirts, they got hoodies, they got products starting at $10, which is a steel in this economy. They've got humor-based shirts, they've got political-based shirts, they've got pop culture shirts, all kinds of fun shirts.

They'll even help you make your own shirt and design it and put your own logo or insignia or family crest or your family ultra-fresh or cold gate, whatever type of toothpaste you use, right there on your t-shirt. They'll ship it out to you, get it to you under your tree, and you can go right online to donkeytees.com, the funniest shirts on the internet. so check that out and speaking of funny what a show we have for you today good lord on a lima bean whatever that means we're going to be discussing more christmas topics holiday topics we're we're going to be getting into rudolph the red nose reindeer and trying to figure out why he has a light bulb on his face why deer can fly We're going to be visiting with psychologist Dr. Karen again with more of her input on holiday depression.

I guess she's the expert. She's got some pretty unorthodox suggestions on how to power through the sadness if that's what hits you during the holidays. And speaking of feeling better, we're going to be talking about, did you know there's certain foods out there that can alter your moods, make you feel better, overcome sadness and guilt and depression. We'll be getting into that. We'll be talking about buying Christmas presents for the people you know and love.

And are you good at it? Do you do it right? And lastly, oh, my God, this is super exciting. We're going to be, hopefully the phone lines are working up there on the North Pole, but we're going to be putting a call in to Timmy, the senior elf in Santa's Workshop, just to check in, see how progress is going at the workshop with all those little elf workers, or as I call it, a sweatshop for little people,

right up there in the North Pole. So we got a great show, man. Don't even think about going anywhere else for your sweet, sweet podcast needs because it's happening right here. You set? I'm set. Come on, everybody. Let's go. All aboard.

You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Murgatroy, gave them. On to the Harland Highway. You've got cancers of the anus? My George, I think he's got it. Stop it. Stop it. You're busting my heart. It's Harlan Williams. Hey, you're with Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway.

I hope you're digging the music and you're digging your day. I got a Christmas question. Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Is it just me or is anyone kind of bothered by the fact that he has a light bulb sticking out of the front of his face? I mean, what happened at a reindeer get-together and mate with a fully decorated Christmas tree with lights on it? I mean, how do you get a reindeer with a 30-watt red light bulb growing out of its face? And whenever he gets excited, it starts glowing. God, imagine Rudolph hiding behind a bush, leaf him through the latest issue of Playboy.

Oh, man. I just don't know. Maybe that's what us men should have. Huh? Maybe we should all have light bulbs sticking out of our faces. Every time we got fired up. You could tell who the perves were in society, right? Oh, that would be uncomfortable. How does a living, breathing mammal get an electrical piece of equipment sticking out of his face?

I mean, I've never seen like a rhinoceros with a toaster on its back or a zebra with an electric fan where its tail should be. I mean, was Rudolph the first transformer, maybe, possibly? And what's weird is he's at the front of Santa Slay. He's got like a landing light on his face. Shouldn't he have like the little strobe lights on his armpits and the flashing red and green ones on his butt? I mean, he should have the full aeronautical display

so he can come in for a safe landing, man. You have a flight 59.59.5.9. You're clear for Lannick. Yeah, we're going to come in. We got an approach from the left side. Weather conditions are fine. If I get a bright idea and figure it out and a light bulb goes off over my head, I'll let you know. Well, maybe I shouldn't be so skeptical, right? Maybe it's a fact of nature, a fact of science.

You know, when you think about nature, you've got glow worms, you've got fireflies, you've got squid, and they're all luminous. They all have luminescent properties. You know, the squid at 40,000 leagues beneath the sea can change colors and glow and make different colored light patterns. on its body fluctuate and you got your fireflies flying around in the night where you can clearly see them glowing you got glow worms have you ever caught fireflies by the way that's something a fond childhood memory i have not even a childhood memory you know i did it from my childhood right up into my 20s we used to you know we had a cottage up there in northern in Canada.

There's a specific time of the summer when I guess the fireflies would come out and they'd be very active at night and I don't know if it was a mating ritual but their abdomens and their asses would light up and they're quite bright, man. You know, they'd just be flying around

and come and get it. You know, it'd be the equivalent of a human walking around with a neon sign that said, you know, F me, right? F me. Okay, I'll be right over. Not you, your girlfriend.

Oh, sorry. Right? I think that's what these fireflies are doing. They're advertising their sex, man. Maybe they should be flying around with red lights on, you know? Kind of the way they do it in Denmark or Norwegian or whatever. What is it? Where is it?

There's a place. There's like a red light district. Norwegian. What am I, a Viking? Welcome to Norwegian. We will take your women and your gold, and in return, you will get seaweed salad. Sounds good to me.

But no dressing. Oh, man. That's a deal breaker. Shut up. Okay. I'll take the salad. So I guess it is, feasible that there could be a large hoofed mammal with a red light bulb burning on his face.

I guess. I don't know. I just always found it odd that not only does it have a light bulb, but it flies. You know, deer have no real aeronautical apparatus on their bodies. They have no feathers. They have no flaps of extra skin. under their armpits, you know, kind of the way a flying squirrel does, or webbed feet, anything to give them any type of airlift, you know,

or anything that would help them float on a thermal. I don't get it. I don't get how a, almost a, you know, probably about a 170, 200-pound mammal has the gift of flight. I just don't know how this happens. And, you know, they just kind of kick in the air and that somehow propels them forward. I don't know.

That's like, it's the difference, like, you ever go swimming in a lake or in a pool underwater and you try and swim really fast underwater with your bare feet and, you know, the fish are laughing at it. They're like, Right? That's how a fish laughs, by the way. They're laughing at it because you're like a slow ass.

But then as soon as you put those flippers on, man, look out. Who's laughing now, Mr. Limpet? Boom. Right? So that's my point. With the deer, there's nothing to help them get any movement, Any jet propulsion, there's no way for them to push the air. They have tiny little feet with no webbing in them.

I don't know. They're a modern marvel of aerodynamics. I wish the Wright brothers were still alive and I don't know. I'd like to fly one. Maybe someday I'm going to catch a deer and get on its back, a wild deer, and just ride it right over the cliff. I'll be riding it and riding it. We'll come to a cliff, and the deer will be like, look, dude,

it's one thing that you, like, caught me and you mounted me and we're riding, but do you not see that there's a giant cliff up ahead? No, don't worry. Don't worry, you're going to fly. Dude, are you on mushrooms? Right? Then you just drive your reindeer right over the edge, and you float there for a second, and then just...

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I told you, ass munch. Sorry. Anyways, as you noticed, we're getting close to Christmas.

The shows are starting to get Christmassy. Don't tune out just because you don't celebrate Christmas. Comedy and goodwill and good cheer transcend all religions and all human beings. And you should not be turned off by any Christmas themes or repulsed by any Christmas story. or jokes because it's for all of us to enjoy the comedy and the laughter and the mirth and the merriment. So even though it might not be your exact denomination, please enjoy the spirit, the mood of this special holiday.

And let's talk about Christmas cheer. Let's get into that topic. A right here and a right to now. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams on the Harlan Highway, and it's Christmas time. You know, it's the holiday season coming together. And a lot of people, for some reason, get depressed at the holidays. And we had a wonderful lady in last week.

Dr. Karen Tangier, she kind of talked to us about the psychology of why people go through this state of mind and what they can do to alleviate some of the symptoms of holiday depression. Dr. Karen, welcome back to the show. Well, thank you, Harlan. I'm so jolly and happy. I heard some Christmas carolers earlier today on the street. Well, that's fun, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Singing can really lift your spirits. Oh, well, great. So give us some of the ways that people can get rid of the holiday blues. I mean, it is a fest of time. Well, some of the things you can do, Harlan, and this is really fun to get yourself out of your depression, get a bag of dog poop, and light it on fire and put it on your neighbor's doorstep,

and ding the bell, and watch them run out and stomp on that SOB. This is wonderful Christmas fodder. Wait a minute, that sounds like a practical joke I did when I was nine years old. Well, I don't care if you're still. immature, Harland, this is wonderful fodder for the Christmas season to lift your spirits. Okay, you got anything else that's not quite so juvenile? Well, Harland, this is always fun. If you have a neighbor or someone in your neighborhood, blow up their car while they're in it.

What are you talking about? Riggett said that when they turn the ignition, their car blows up, and that'll give you a real chuckle, Harland. What are you talking about? I'm talking about creating a large ball of fire. flame and giant chunks of shrapnel swirling through the air. This is wonderful

Christmas fodder. Why, would you quit saying fodder? What's that about your father? No, I said quit saying, you keep saying fodder. What about your father? Not my father, fodder. Yes, I've

never met your father. Look, no one's going to stamp out a bag of flaming dog poop. Well, they should it's wonderful christmas fodder and stop it and nobody's going to blow up a car well harland if those aren't in your wheelhouse which you might want to try is burning your neighbor's house down and when they run outside throw a brick at their face okay what's what's going on here it's christmas time harland hack the harold angels stop singing well it's fun it lifts your spirit get her out

Roger, where'd you get her? It's wonderful Christmas fodder. Get her out. What a nutbag. How many times is she going to say Christmas fodder? What's that about your father, Harlan? Get her out! Okay, well, if blowing up your neighbor's car

and throwing a brick at their face and lighting their house on fire isn't going to put you in a good mood, Here's something that might, and this was an interesting article I found. Apparently there are foods out there that can make you happy and put you in a good mood. Did you know that? Apparently foods that you can eat, I guess, can alter the chemicals in your body, create chemical reactions in your body, and help you with your moods. Like, for example, oranges and lemons and citrus fruits apparently help you alleviate stress.

Okay? So the next time, you know, you're having a bad week or a bad month or a bad year, you know, and things aren't going your way and you're just about to jump off that bridge, pull an orange out of your pocket. Yeah, have a lemon. suck on a lemon. I'm going to jump up this ledge, man. I lost my job.

My wife's cheating on me. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, oh, my God. Who cares? Oh, my God. That lemon's delicious. Right? and then nuts, apparently nuts?

They lessen your mood swings? Really? I should have got a bag of hazelnuts or a party mix for maybe a Dr. David Bruce Banner. Remember that guy? Turned into the Hulk, incredible Hulk. He'd get filled with rage and anger. Who knew all he needed was a...

A bag of planters unsalted. Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. Wait a minute. What are those? Are those dry roasted? Yes. Oh, well, hell, here, give me some of those.

But your skin's turning green. Who cares? Give them to me. Leafy greens, apparently. You know, lettuce and salad. and all that stuff that most of us don't even like helps you deal with depression?

Hey, man, I'm really down, man. I'm really bumming, man. Okay, you want some coleslaw? Hey, man, you want to go skipping? What the hell was in that coal slough, man? And then here's one that's good for your memory loss, even. Imagine that. Salmon and cherries. They're good for, I guess, slowing down memory loss.

How about that, huh? Got a case of the old Alzheimer's. Feeling like you're not remembering things? Cut to you like sitting on the bank of the river come springtime with the grizzly bears just kneeling there at the edge swoop and salmon out of the river with your claws so your memory works yep there you go right there's some foods to help you through life um I should do little research on this. I wonder what what kind of things?

Donuts, cheeseburgers, chocolate bars, fries, and Coke does for a guy. Huh. Do you think the end result would be me? That's what you're listening to right now, man. You're listening

to the chemical reactions of a human body meeting donuts, chocolate, curly fries, milkshakes, cheeseburgers, chips, pringles, some kind of a toxic soup, and you got me. So there you go. Go get some nuts. Go get some oranges.

Hell, just go eat a buffet and get your emotions straightened out. Right here on the delicious Harland Highway. today I'm going to help you people out picking out Christmas gifts I think a lot of people sadly fall under this category you ask them about getting a gift for you or for their wife for their husband or their friend and they're always like I don't know what to get them man I don't know should I get them a shirt or should I get them a new toaster or an iPod or here's what you do it's so easy i had a friend of mine the other day say i don't know what to get my wife i just don't know what to get her and i'm like dumb ass she's your wife you've lived with her for eight years you sleep

beside her every night here's what you get her here's how you figure it out stupid what does your wife like does she like to cook does she like to collect butterflies does she like to to go bowling? Well, if she likes to cook, buy her some pots and pans and some cookbooks. That's one of her interests. If she likes butterflies,

get her a book on butterflies and buy her a butterfly net and buy her some wonderful framed butterflies at the Discovery Store or something like that. If she likes to go bowling, buy her a new bowling ball and some bowling shoes,

blah, blah, blah. You see where I'm going with this piece? people, just don't go out randomly to a mall and go, I think I'll get that person a new shirt, and I think I'll get them a picture of a sailboat floating across the ocean, because everyone likes the ocean. If you don't know what their hobbies and their interests are, and you can't find a gift,

you should just check those people right off your list as friends or loved ones, because you're obviously not paying attention people now let me tell you what i like uh it's an italian car it's uh 300 horsepower it starts with an f and ends with an i and the middle part sounds like er i don't want to uh give it away but it's a Ferrari and i also like tropical islands and beautiful women, you know, throwing a little spending money in an envelope, and I like cyclopses. Yeah, Greek mythological cyclopsis. So now, you know, I want a hot girl in a Ferrari, driving around in Bermuda, being chased by a cyclops, and I'm throwing $100 bills in its eyes to keep it off the beaten track.

Yeah, you better know what your partner wants or your loved one wants. I'm going to be honest with you now. I've had a couple of relationships, really big relationships in my life, you know, full-on relationships, where you're invested and they're the love of your life, and they're your girl, and, you know, your worlds revolve around each other. and this was probably, you know, one of the, maybe a clue that maybe it wasn't going to work out or maybe a glimpse into what they were all about. I had a couple of girls in a couple of major relationships where they didn't give a crap of Christmas.

Like literally, no thought into presents. Maybe went out like the night before Christmas, like, Christmas Eve and grab something, never really asked you what you wanted, and, you know, you get up in the morning and you open those presents and you're with the girl that you like. And I'm the type of guy that I think Christmas is special, so I try to figure out what their interests are, things they like, their hobbies, their favorite music, blah, blah, blah. And I try to buy accordingly so that, you know, I come up with something that. it compliments who they are

and also demonstrates to them that I thought about it, that I put some caring and some thought into it. And yeah, there's guys probably listening now going, what a loser, man. You put caring into it? Dude, just get her a vibrator and shut up.

Well, no. No, I'm not that guy, okay? Screw you, macho guys. You get a vibrator and there. And stuff. But, you know, I'm a pretty multifaceted guy. Like, I'm, I've got a lot of interests, a lot of, you know, a lot of things that I do and pursue in my life.

You know, I paint, I draw, I like to be creative, I collect bugs, I like monsters, I like sci-fi, I love movies, I love, odd things i've got a quirky personality i like weird nutty things i have humor i like funny things you know like i'm probably not the hardest guy in the world to buy something for if you just sat down for three seconds and thought about all the things that i like in my life like really you could you could go to the grocery store, buy a squash, and with a Sharpie draw a face on it, and I'd be over the moon. I'd be like, this is hilarious. You know, I've got a quirky sense of humor. I love it. It's Billy the Butternut squash. Happy holidays. Right. Easy to please. And I swear to God, I had a couple of girls in my life that were like, you know, I woke up in the morning and I opened my present.

and it was like a Belgium chocolate bar or I swear to God one girl bought me like a deer whistle for the front of my car I live in Los Angeles a deer whistle and it wasn't because she was trying to be quirky what she did is she went into a shop

last minute and just pulled stuff off the shelf that would you know somehow she thought would be nutty and be a good present right and it's a heartbreaker man it's a heartbreaker when you kind of realize that the girl or in your case maybe the guy just didn't give a rat's ass and you put all this effort in

and they put in diddly squat you know and you bought them like 12 presents because you got joy out of seeing them open it and the reaction and and they bought you like two things And again, you know, I don't want it to sound like I'm taking count. I'm making a list of, well, you got this, you got that, you got you this. No, it all boils down to the sharing and the exchange of love, I guess, and showing that you put some thought into things. That's what this is about. that's what all present should be about in my mind

but um so don't what i'm saying is don't be that person this year be different take advice from dr harland here and if you can you know take three seconds to figure out who you're buying for and what they would actually genuinely like and appreciate and take the time to find something that will genuinely put a smile on their face and make you feel good in knowing that you put that smile there because you took the extra time to search for something special.

I just get her a vibrator ass munch. What are you gay or something? Get her something special. Take the time to... I got football to watch, man. Hey, baby, where's my chicken wangs? Those chicken wings ready yet? I'll be there in a minute.

I'm just using the vibrator you got me last year. Oh, god damn. Humbug. Yeah, that's what it's called. The humbug. What the hell? Hey, everybody. This is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway,

and we're getting ready for the holidays. We're going to the North Pole into Santa's Workshop, and I guess the head elf up there is Timmy the Elf, second in command next to Santa. Let's try and get the phone lines through to the North Pole. It's not easy. Roger, are we coming through? Almost.

Hold on. I think we're getting a signal. Hold on. We're coming through. Okay, we got him. Okay, Timmy, are you there? Hello, Holland. How are you? We're great. We're excited to talk to you. How are things going up there in Santa's Workshop? Oh, they're going good. Everybody's busy.

All the little elves are just a second. Would you put that down? Put it down and start hammering the birdhouse. You heard me. I'm sorry, holler. What did you say? I said, uh, how are things going up there? It sounds a little hectic.

Well, yes, we're, it's a little chaotic right now. Everybody's running around. We're trying to get the toys together. And hang on a second. I told you to put that on right. No, no, nobody wants a cross-side giraffe. No. you put the eyes side by side do it right i'm sorry go ahead what was your name carl no no it's harland

okay donnie now it's harland okay so what what's the scene like up there how's everyone's spirits everybody's just on overdrive holland it's like we've got a million orders coming in we've got thousands and millions of kids to get to, and it's really going to be a wonderful Christmas season. Well, that's exciting, and we're going to have some kids for you to talk to in the days to come before Christmas here. I'm sure they're excited to talk to them. Yes, I am excited to talk to the children. That's how we get our scope on things, Daryl. That's Harlan. Oh, I'm sorry. Carl.

And what we do is we get a scope on what the children want. We basically take the temperature by shoving a toy monitor up there. Now, wait a second. You're going to be talking to the kids and are you making any promises? No, we don't make any promises, Holland, but we will do our very best and we'll listen to the children. Okay, well, there it is, folks. Timmy the Elf I'm just all excited I can't believe I'm talking to Timmy the Elf I have to go now Holland I've got work to do yeah okay that you use my name that time that's right Jerry okay

Timmy the Elf everyone we'll be right back here on the Harlan highway Wow so there you have it folks the the wheels of Christmas are in motion that was Timmy the elf I guess the senior the senior elf of Santa's chop shop up there where they make all the toys in the North Pole and I guess we'll be checking in with Timmy again you know as we get nearer to the big day and it's just exciting everything's ratcheting up everything's

getting going here and it's just a fun exciting time of year so thanks for joining us today here on the Harland Highway. We look forward to you next time. And until that day comes, chicken chow main, baby. I told you to put that on right. No, no, would you put that down?

Put it down and start hammering the burn house. You heard me.