The Harland Highway - Podcast 49

Episode Date: December 18, 2009

Ho Ho Ho Mrs. Clause drops in for a visit, Senior Fuentes brings some present into the studio, and we talk about getting ready for the holidays. Sweet elf droppings! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ho, ho, ho, everybody. Harland Williams here with you. Welcome to the Harland Highway as we ramp up for the most festive day of the year, Christmas. And today's show, I hope you like the holidays, because today's show is just packed full of Christmas things. We're going to have visitors dropping by. We're going to be talking about setting up your Christmas. lights, the Christmas tree, getting Christmas cards from your loved ones.

This is going to be great. Oh, my God. Mrs. Claus herself is dropping into the studio to have a little visit with us. Cheery old, that lovely old pudgy-faced, red-cheeked lady, Mrs. Claus. Wife to the infamous Santa Claus will be here. And who knows? We've been having people drop in during the holiday. here unannounced unexpectedly. Who knows who we're going to have? Who cares? Let's get into it.

It's the holidays. You're ready to go? I'm ready to go. Come on. Let's go. Let's jump on the Harlan Highway. All aboard. You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Mercant Troy, gave them. On to the Harlan Highway. You've got cancers at the anus. My, George, I think he's got it. Stop it.

Stop us. You're busting my heart. It's Harold Williams. Oh, it's getting so close. It's getting so very close. The big day, the day our Lord's Savior, Jesus' son of the lamb was born. And for those of you that don't believe in all that stuff, well, I guess you just get some time off, don't you? If you can call it time off when a bunch of teenage punks and their parents are standing

at your front door and hats and tukes and scarfs singing Christmas carols where you're trying to be inside and watch the biggest loser or Monday night football, you're in the middle of your favorite TV show, ding dong. Huh? Fahoo foray, Fahoo foray. No, you shouldn't. Don't, don't be shooting Christmas carolers. It's a festive time of year to show your love. It's exciting.

Have you put your lights up yet? You've done your decorating, your Christmas decorating. Oh, so much fun, isn't it? Putting all that stuff up. So much fun. Well, I did it. I did it, I did it. Yeah, I did it.

I put my Christmas lights up on the weekend. How about that, people? Oh, beautiful colored Christmas lights. Orange and red and blue and white. And it's not easy to do. I mean, that is a long row of lights. You pull them out of the box. You know you didn't put them away nicely last year.

You were just like, get them down. You threw them in a box. Oh, you got to pull them out, man. They are tangled up. It's like a spaghetti dinner in that box. And then you start pulling them up and they're clanking and they're breaking and they're snapping and they're making noise. And you get in the middle of the mess and it's trying to like undoing a fishing line, man. Except you're right in the middle of it.

And you're just twirling around and everything's noisy and crunching and lights. You plug it in to see what's working and it's like, Some of them are sparking and flickering and electric zaps. And you're right in the middle. You're all twirled around in it all. Then you go, hey, man, I make a nice Christmas tree. I'm all covered in lights. I'm like six foot two.

I got a pretty good build. I got all these lights wrapped around me. Kind of keeping me warm, too. Getting a lot of looks from the ladies. Hey, wait a minute. I think the Christmas lights are going right here. Forget about hanging them from the rafters. I'm wearing the Christmas lights this year.

Look at me. Hey! Merry Christmas! Oh, yeah. I'm making a statement this Christmas. I am Christmas. I'm the lights. I'm the tree.

I'm the whole kick-gaboodle. Just stick me in a stand. Stick some presents under me. Just make sure it's not a puppy. I don't want them to pee on my leg. Hello. Happy holidays here on the Harland Highway. Oh, electrocution by puppy pee.

Isn't that the way to go, people? I'll tell you what I like, man. I like it. One of my favorite moments around Christmas is, is that time where, you know, your home. home alone at night and it's not Christmas yet okay it's it's like right now it's a few days out and everything's set up and the lights are up and the tree is up and you're in the living room or your family room or wherever your tree's set up and you've shut the TV off you're getting ready

to go to bed and there's that tree sitting in the corner right with the glow from the lights A little bit of smell of pine in the room. And it's just that one time of year where you have a living tree inside your home. Usually trees are like outside. You know, it's like a dog. Outside. Get a no, outside. What are you doing inside? Outside.

Like, honestly, how often do we have a tree indoors? Never. We bring a tree in. Come on in. Doors open. Come on, guys, inside. Come on, birch tree, let's go, Maple. Come on, Cedar.

Let's go, everybody inside. Soup's on. Clang, clang, clang. It is kind of weird. But, you know, there's something about the light when you have your Christmas lights wrapped in through all the little branches, and some of them are recessed into the branches of the tree, into the pine needles,

and some of them are out on the peripheral of the pine tree and the branches. And you just get this soft, warm light and just sit there in the dark and appreciate that sparkling, twinkling, glowing, soft little Christmas tree. There's something magic about that, man. It's soft and it's warm, and it's just nice, huh? Kind of like Santa Claus's wife, Mrs. Claus, who we don't hear enough of. So let's stop the soft fuzzy talk and get right to Mrs. Claus. Boy, oh, boy, this is a kind of a scoop. I got someone in the studio with me today.

You know, you see Santa Claus around town and you see them on TV and at the mall. But I have with me today in the studio, Mrs. Claus dropped in. Mrs. Claus, thank you for coming. How are you? Hi, I am great. How are you? Uh, fantastic. Are you excited this time of year must be big for you? Yeah, yeah, of course. I love it. Well, I got to say you look fantastic. And what is that little outfit you're wearing there? Thank you. I like to dress up for Santa around this time of year.

Yeah, or yeah, if you can, I mean, what, that's that little Christmasy skirt I see you're wearing? Yeah, it's my little pink skirt. I bought it just to go with a little. my little new bra and panty set that I bought today. Oh, okay, okay, and I see there's like a little white frill and fur around the skirt there. Yeah, yeah, around the bottom of the skirt and it goes around the top, just around, you know, my neck, and then it goes down, you know, to cover a little bit of the cleavage. I don't want too much showing, but if you see right here, it kind of, yeah. he likes it so and it and it the white goes with my little white stockings oh down here yes wow but

I don't always show those to everyone but now you're I mean you're you're you're kind of I know you're Mrs. Claus but did something happen recently um well yeah you could call me the new Mrs. Claus, because he did leave his wife of 35 years recently, but, um... Wouldn't that be more like 3,500 years? Like, Sand has been around a lot longer than 35. Yeah, but he likes to change it up once in a while, so... Oh, so you're the new Mrs. Claus, so are you technically married or... Um, well, we live together, but we're not... We haven't made the...

commitment yet. We don't have the piece of paper, but I don't need that. I mean, we have fun together. What do you mean fun? And I don't mean to be nosy, but what, what do you mean? Well, he likes to take me shopping. He took me to Victoria's Secret the other day, and actually, that's where we met. He came in, and, you know, he was, I think he was spying on me, to be perfectly honest. Wait a minute. Santa Claus was, like, what, separated the bras and was looking through, like a soldier through the bushes? You know, I think he was. I was trying some things on,

and he was kind of there with the other Mrs. Claus, and, you know, I let him have a little show for a little bit. Wait a minute. I was trying on some robes, nothing bad. But, yeah, a little flirtation started, and then, you know, we went out together, and we had a nice time, so. Wow, any fireworks on the first day?

Oh, yes. Wow, really? Can you tell us? No, no, I can't tell you that. Well, let me... He might get mad at me and then I wouldn't get my presents for Christmas. I'd go on the bad list. Oh, my goodness.

Now, can you tell us how you kind of edged Mrs. Claus out? I mean, I've seen pictures of her. She's a cheery old lady with pink cheeks and a big bun on her head and a portly lady. Well, you know, Victoria's Secret. it works, it's magic. So I think that's really all we needed was our meeting there. And, I mean, not to say anything bad, but I think it was time for some change. You know, he's done a lot of stuff for other people and, you know, creates a lot of happiness.

And I thought that I might be able to help him a little, right? Yeah. It's all about the Christmas spirit. Yeah, the way you're sitting, your dress, your skirts kind of. Yeah, well, you're supposed to see that part. Oh, my God. Okay, we're going to take a little break here. We're here with the new Mrs. Claws.

I noticed you brought some, look like some black leather thigh-high boots. Can we talk about those when we come back? Sure. Oh, boy. We'll be right back with Mrs. Claws. Hold on to your icicles. Hello!

Here on the Harland Highway. Good Lord, baby Jesus. in swaddling cloth in the manger. Are you kidding me? Holy jump in the new Mrs. Clause is kind of spicy. Spicy tuna roll at table four. I don't know. Are you in a relationship?

Does it get a little testy around the holidays? A lot of people break up around the holidays. I think there's a lot of anxiety between couples on the holidays. You're either in that, oh, my God, I love you so much. I can't wait to buy presents for you. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Or you're in that zone and you're like, you know what, man, I'm not really that into this person anymore.

And why, in the name, a sweet baby Jesus, am I about to go out and drop a load of my hardened dough on a chick? I'm probably going to dump in about three weeks. Right? Or people get anxiety about, oh, man, I don't know what to get this. person i'm supposed to know everything about them i'm supposed to know who they are i'm going to go to the mall and draw a blank i couldn't tell you what they like or what their interests are i just know we fool around a lot and it feels good did we have to throw the birth of our baby lord jesus

into it yeah a lot of people don't make it through the holidays they either break up before or they break up after hey everybody who wants to have better sex No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away that's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, God. It's too bad, man. You know, everybody needs somebody. Hold on. Hold on. Someone's at the door here. Hang on. Come in. Come in. It's, uh, Senor Fuentes. Uh, happy holidays, Senor Fuentes. Yeah, happy holidays, man. What's up?

This is cool, man. I brought you a present, man. Well, what, uh, what did you bring me? Oh, I brought you something good for your garden, man. For my garden? Yeah, that's right, Senor Fuentes. It's bringing you stuff for your garden, man, for Christmas. Well, uh, okay.

Let's see what you got. Well, I got it right here, man. Look, I got garbage bags. Ow! Okay, don't... Get them out of my face. Ow, I got garbage bags, man. Happy holidays. Ow! Get them out of my eyes. Ah!

Oh! Stop it! Well, man, happy holidays, man. Okay, okay. You know, you're supposed to wrap presents and then give them. You don't open them for people and rub them in their face. How can I open a garbage bag, man? Well, you pull the twist, man. ties open i don't know oh like this out get them off of me

ow get it send your quintas happy holidays get it are you insane man he decked the halls with boughs of garbage bag man get it off stop it what's the matter with you silent night holy garbage bag man Ow! Get it out of my face! Ow! God! Stop it! I bring gifts, man. Just like the three gardeners brought gifts to baby Jesus.

They weren't the three gardeners. They were the three wise men. Yeah, and they brought garbage bags to baby Jesus. Hey, get it out! Get them out of here! Well, worst of the season to you, man. Out, out, out. Oh, man.

Some people just don't understand the rules of gift give us. Garbage bags! You know what else is fun at Christmas Outside of getting presents like garbage bags from your gardener? God It's cards, right? Before kind of the big day with all the presents and all the hoopla There's kind of that buildup of Christmas cards

Basically the people that are saying, Man, you're not getting a present from us, but you know what? Here's a 40-cent card just to remind you that You know, we're thinking of you, but we're not thinking about you enough to give you a damn present. Okay, loser. Okay, thanks, man. Best of the season to you, too.

No, I'm just kidding. I mean, actually, I like getting cards. It's fun. And a lot of cards do come from people that, you know, normally wouldn't traditionally be on your radar for buying a gift, but at least they're tipping the hat, saying they're thinking of you, they're acknowledging you, they're sending out their good wishes. And every now and then, you get a card from someone that you don't really expect one from. Someone that you didn't even know was part of your life. Someone that you didn't know, they had you on their radar list, that they were thinking

about you all year and thought, well, I better send Harland a Christmas card. It's that time of year. You know, someone that you. didn't know, cared about you like this card that I got. I got a Christmas card. I got a Christmas card. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that exciting when you get our

Christmas card? It's something. It's like a little present. It's like this one is different, though. I'm going to open it right here on the air. I got, for some reason, a Christmas card from Domino's. Yeah, the pizza folk. It's in a

traditional envelope, it's sealed, says happy holidays on the front, and then the little Domino's pizza logo stuck up in some holly. I can't wait to see what the folks at Domino's pizza have to say for Christmas. Let's see here. This holiday season, Domino's would like to thank you for your business. Enjoy this special offer. Free medium cheese pizza with your next pizza purchase. Oh, they'd like to thank me so much for being a customer. They're inviting me to buy some more product. Oh, it's the thought that counts, right?

I love that whole marketing store. Merry Christmas, buy your own present, but it's from us. Wait a minute, did I just get hosed? Okay, buy your own present. Merry Christmas. It's from us, but I paid for it. Okay. Let's see. There's another one in here. Happy holidays from all of us at Domino's. We bring you warm wishes, delicious pizza, and tasty side items to top off your holiday season. Yeah, that's what I want for Christmas dinner. Give me some sin of sticks, huh? Pass the sin of sticks and the pepperone.

and olive's pizza slice. I don't know. I just don't think of pizza as Christmas. You know? Not that you can't do it, but they wish me every happiness for the holidays and the coming new year.

Okay, that's kind of nice. I finally got a Christmas card. Maybe I'll go to the store. Maybe I'll go to Macy's and return the favor. I'll buy shirts. I'll buy new shirts for all the crew down at my local dominoes buy them iPods get them some digital cameras i'll just freak

them out hi you don't know me but you sent me a christmas card and now that we're buddies merry christmas yeah i don't think so i'm not that dumb people but thanks for thinking on me dominoes i'll eat a slice for you on d25 happy holidays on the harland highway Now, some of you might be at this point going enough with the Christmas stuff, man. You're overloading your show with the Christmas stuff. Well, you know what? Too bad, right? It's like once a year and it's a fun time a year.

I love it. I love Christmas. The little boy in me loves Christmas. And, uh, you know, the shows are themed around Christmas and, uh, what she's here again oh my god okay it looks like uh she's she's back from i guess she was down the cafeteria oh let's uh let's get her back in here it's uh the new mrs claus well come back hi boy oh boy so it looks like you brought in some winterware there's some kind of boots can you tell us about your new boots yeah well i thought i'd bring in some things just to give

ideas for you know for some presents and things so what are these boots are my new black leather thigh highs and they fit very nicely over my little white um fishnet stockings um and i wear it with my little red skirt my pink skirt pink red and um very christmassy i must say the black boots with the red a little skirt you know i like to wear the pink and the red for, you know, Christmas season and the black boots to kind of liven it up a bit. And also, the boots, actually, they come right up to my thigh. You can see, I have a little birthmark. Here, I'm going to pull my skirt aside.

Oh, my God, that's right on your inner thigh. Yes, yes. Mr. Claus likes it very much. What is that? It's shaped kind of like a little cupcake, you see. Oh, my God, yeah. See that, like the icing right there? Oh, my, yeah.

Mrs. Claus, I'm turning red. You know, if you want to really liven things up, you can also get the leather gloves. Oh, because it's winter, right? Yes, you always need your gloves. So, and they feel really nice on the skin here. You want to feel them? Well, okay. Can I grab your arm?

Yeah, I like, yeah. Does that feel nice? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Those are soft. It really livens up, like, or, you know, it helps along like a massage or something. Oh, that's nice. Um, oh, what was that?

Oh, come on. Oh, my. Mrs. Claus. How did you like that? Oh, I know Santa likes it. Okay. You've got to like it. Wow, I'm a little flustered here, Mrs. Claus.

That birthmark, I never wanted a cupcake so bad. I've got a tattoo. What? Where is your tattoo? I did it for Santa. What is it? Right when I was. I met him.

Okay. Okay, it's a tattoo of one of the reindeer. Okay, turning around here. Okay, yeah. I'm going to pull up my skirt a little. It's on my left cheek. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to bend over just a little bit.

I don't know if, oh. Look, isn't that cute? Oh, my God. It is darling. It is a little darling. Yeah, he loves it. Now, if you wiggle that cheek a little, it looks like he's dancing. It looks like he's flying.

Yeah. I'm wiggling. Oh, boy. It looks like he's flying. that is cute i'll give you that mrs claus oh boy uh i might need a snowball or something to cool off let me stick around i can show you some other stuff too okay we would love to have you this is pretty much the best christmas ever santa is uh one lucky guy uh can you stick around for one more break Mrs. Claus?

Sure. Thank you. We'll be right back with Mrs. Claus here on the Harland Highway or it sounds something like that highway. You're a fox.

Wow. Okay. This is getting out of control. Holy God. Did you hear that the cupcake? The cupcake and the Tattoo? I can hardly talk.

Hold on. Someone else is at the door. We got all kinds of people dropping by at Christmas here. This is great. Come in. Come in. Hello, Senor Fuentes. Hey, man, what's about back again? Yeah, I want to apologize for raising my voice when you gave me the garbage bags. Hey, that's okay, man. You know, it's garbage bags.

I mean, first I was upset. How could you not like garbage bags, man? Well, I like garbage bag, but you were crinkling them in my face. Hey, man, that's what you do in the holidays. You give your garbage bags right in someone's face, man. Well, that's not what I do, but... Well, I brought you something new, man. You did not like the garbage bag, so send your fantas.

Brought you something brand new for Christmas. Oh, you got me another gift. What is it? It's something that you should put in the garbage bags. What do you mean, put in the garbage bags? I brought you some leaves, man Dried leaves Oh, no

Dried leaves man for the garbage bags No, get them out Get them out of my face Let's not do this again What do you mean, man You don't put presents right up near people's eyes But they're just dried leaves man Away in a manger

No leaves for his head Ah, get them out The little Lord Hayes Jesus had some leaves in his hair. Get him out. Get him away. Ow, my eyes. Stop it. What's the matter, man?

It's Christmas. Noel, Noel, the stranger didn't say he's got leaves. Get him out. Oh, ow. What's the matter, man? Just knock it off. I don't want your presents. Out.

Oh, here we go again, man. I don't care. Out. I've got my eyes are all pink Oh you got a pink guy man It's from the leaves Stop it Get them off

Ow Keep them out man That's it Christmas or no Christmas I don't want them back This is Harlem Williams It's not easy sometimes Here on the Harland Highway

Yeah gift gives Excuse me I got leaves in my eyes Gift giving is never easy and receiving gifts can sometimes be even harder um my folks unfortunately were notorious for missing the signals uh for getting me and my four sisters what we wanted for christmas and it was odd some years i got to give them credit some years they nailed it but most years they were way off the mark like i'd want like a box of fishing lures and some army guys

and a Tonka truck, and my dad would get me a spy novel, and my mom would get me a plaid shirt and a striped tie. I'm like, great. 11-year-old boy, can't wait to get into the spy novel, Dad. By the way, isn't this the one you wanted to read? And mom can't wait to wear that plaid shirt and striped tie off to Sunday school, which I skip every time I get sent out there. Yeah, you think I'm gone.

I take off to the ravine and throw rocks at trees. Oh, it's frustrating, man. It's one thing to have to buy gifts for people and get it right. And then it's another thing for people to buy gifts for you and get it right. And speaking of perfect gifts, let's listen to this commercial. Hey, folks, you're looking for the right gift to give to that right person. how about going to donkey tees.com. Donkeytees.com where they have all kinds of t-shirts,

custom-made shirts, hoodies, everything you want, or anything you could ever need when it came to the world of t-shirts. These guys are the best. They will help you design your own shirt. They will help you with the artwork. They will even package this stuff up and ship it out to you just in time for Christmas. So check it out for all your children.

Christmas gift buying needs, it's donkey teas, donkey T-E-E-E-S dot com, donkey-ties.com. Wow, so is that like a chocolate cupcake or vanilla? It's vanilla. Why, you like it? Oh, it's fantastic. You want to taste it? What? Okay, we're back.

Here we are on the Harland Highway, and we have a very special guest. Mrs. Claus is here, the new Mrs. Claus. I just got to say this. You are hot. Thank you. You are like a ten out of it. So are you. Thank you. So listen, I know Santa might not agree, but this is kind of an innocent Ual Tide tradition. I don't think Santa can put me on his bad list for this. Everyone gets under the mistletoe. I got some hanging right here. Would you be so gracious as to step under the the mistletoe with me and we just exchange

a friendly, innocent, cute Christmas kiss. What do you say? I think I've got something better. Oh. Room at Motel 6, right up the street. Uh, a bathtub.

I can't I can't. Oils candle. I think that goes against the... Are you into swings? Handcuffs? Uh. Come on. I really shouldn't.

Really? Yeah. I've got some eggnog. No, I can't. Jack Daniels? I better not. Three boxes of Viagra? What room number is it?

Okay, come on. Let's go. This is Harlan Williams. signing off early here on the Harlan Highway. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas and all that crap. I got to go. See ya. Oh!