The Harland Highway - Podcast 50

Episode Date: December 21, 2009

Michael Jackson Xmas visit, mall Santa's, Jesus baby son of the lamb, gift wrapping and snow shoveling... lordy lordy get my snowboardy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, more Christmas stuff coming at you on today's show. We're going to be talking about mall Santa Claus's. We're going to be talking about Jesus, the Lord. We're going to be talking about wrapping presents. We're going to be talking about shoveling snow. Oh, my God, shoveling snow and all things snow-related. And I think we're getting a Christmas visit from Michael Jackson. Oh my gosh

So get ready Put on your seatbelt You ready to do this I'm ready to do it Let's go We're going down The Harland Highway All aboard

You just made a wrong turn Heavens to Mergatroy Even On to the Harland Highway You've got Cancers of the anus Why George I think he's got it Stop it

Stop it You're busting my heart It's Harlan Williams Hey, it's Harlan Williams with you on the Harlan Highway, and we're driving right down it towards Christmas, and I guess we have all kinds of guests popping in to kind of wish us holiday cheer and talk about the holidays as we get into the mood.

And who do we have today coming in? Here comes somebody... Oh, God. Hi, Michael Jackson. Hi, how are you? Good, so you decided to drop by and visit me again, huh? Yeah, that's right. It's Christmas. Yeah, Christmas is coming, and...

What do you do for Christmas, Jacko? Do you get a Christmas tree? Well, not really. Well, what do you do? Well, I have a giant tree out on my lawn, and I climb up inside of it. dressed like a Christmas ball. What do you mean? I curl off.

I wear bright clothes, and I curl up, and I pretend I'm a Christmas ball, and I dangle from the tree. Oh, my God, that sounds dangerous. No, I don't weigh very much, so I just rock back and forth in the breeze. Oh, my, that's kind of weird.

Why don't you just get a Christmas tree? Because I like to climb up in my tree pretend I'm Peter Pan. Oh. God. Well, how do you, do you like Christmas? Yes, it's the best time of the year. Why is it the best time of the year? Because it's special. Oh, no, don't, don't start. It's special. Don't start with that. What, did it special? We know that Christmas is a special time of year, okay? Yes, it's special. Okay, don't. Every time you come,

here you just keep saying special all over the place and i don't want to hear it what special stop it but it's christmas all right it's christmas you got lots of money did you get me a present yes i did well what is it it's a verbal present verbal yes it's i say something to you and it's a present well what do you mean what I've never had a verbal present before. Can I have it? Yeah, you want to open it right now? Okay. Okay, here it is.

Special. Oh, come on, man. That's your present. Special. I say it to you. It's special. Get them out of here. It's Christmas.

Yeah, and you're out of here. That's my present to you. You're out the door. That's not so special. Yeah, it is. It's special. special to me god i just did your voice almost perfectly there well that's special no it's not i don't want to do your voice it's a christmas miracle it's special get out go find a major and go lay down in it you freak that sounds special out i'm bad you know it shamal out god that guy is annoying oh even back from the grave

he's annoying he was annoying when he was alive and he used to come visit me and now that he's passed on he's just as annoying oh the holidays at least they're not annoying the holidays are fun and a lot of people get work over the holidays a lot of a lot of places higher um during the holidays right um because the because of the volume of consumers foot traffic people uh buying christmas presence. Did you ever work during the holidays? I'm sure you did. I had a number of jobs. I remember I worked in a liquor store once. I stocked the shelves and took the inventory and opened crates of booze because that stuff just flew off the shelves during the holidays, man. Holy God, do people suck it back? Hello? But here's one job in particular.

that I had during the holidays that I'm sure a lot of you out there cannot boast that you had. But this is a true story. Have a listen to one of my holiday time job experiences. Okay, so you're ready for a Christmas revelation, a personal revelation from me, Harland Williams, your host here on the Harlan Highway,

and plug the kids' ears for God's sakes. Well, I make this revelation because we don't want to ruin Christmas for anybody. Okay, are the kids' ears covered? I, in the early years, yes, when I first got out of college and I needed a job, I was a Santa Claus at a mall. Can you imagine yours truly? Santa at a mall? Yeah, a giant mall back where I grew up.

I needed work, I was just out at college, needed some cash ola, hello. And somehow I landed a gig as Santa Claus. I got to tell you back then, I mean, I'm a trim, gorgeous, finely cut haughty as it is right now. But back then, I was like college thin. You know what I mean? That college weight where you have no money in your pocket and you eat like a basket of French fries like every three days. and you're probably in the best shape of your life because you can't afford food.

So I would sit up there and hundreds of kids would come and sit on my lap and tell me all the things they wanted and then I'd have to go for a lunch break and I'd have to walk through the mall and go to the little lunchroom at the back of the mall. And I'm not kidding, this is a true story. I would get heckled by the mothers.

I'd be walking through the mall. Ho, ho, ho, hey, Merry Christmas. And mothers would be going, Lost a little weight this year, don't you think, Santa? I'd be like, did she just say that? And then, like, a few yards down. Nice dark eyebrows, Santa. What's the matter?

Are you turning young again? It was the weirdest thing. I mean, picture Kalista Flockhart in a Santa Claus outfit. Okay, that's what I probably looked like to these. people. I was like way for thin, dark eyebrows. I got a baby face as it is. People still think

I'm like 14. Even though I'm only 17. I got heckled for being Santa. At least the kids didn't challenge me or heckle me. That's the beauty of kids, man. They just take you for

what you are. And as far as I'm concerned, I was officially Santa for a season. so all those housewives that heckled me you're on santa's bad list and you're not getting nothing this year unless you're hot and then i'll still sneak down the chimney and put a little hello under the tree how ho ho ho harlowe williams on santa's highway i guess when you think of jesus right that the question inevitably has to be asked do you believe in Jesus? Did you or do you believe that

there was a man that was so compelling and so mesmerizing and so, you know, the embodiment of goodness and purity and holiness? Do you buy into the notion that he was here? here and walked amongst us?

Are you a believer? Do you have faith? Or are you a skeptic or a naysayer, an atheist, or, you know, and I'm not challenging you on either one. I'm just asking. I'm not here to point out who's right and who's wrong, because who knows, right? But think of it. Take away all the fanfare and the hoopla and the Bible and the biblical stories. And just think about, you know, if all this is accurate, think about a man, a mortal man, with the ability to walk out across a lake, right?

To turn water into wine, to turn bread into fish. To heal the blind so that they may see to... touch the deaf so that they may hear. I mean, man, that's, that's, that's powerful. And you've got to go, okay, you're the son of God, but then you've got to get into God's head. Like God sends you down to, you know, have a meet and greet with the mortals to mingle in.

But kind of gives you a, mortal form and a mortal shape and, you know, gives you a mortal look, and you're just kind of blending in with the masses. And then on top of that, he goes, you know what, I'm going to make you look and sound and feel just like everyone else, but whenever you feel like it, walk across the lake on top of the water or float or heal someone, you know, just whenever you have a whim, you know, just bingo

I don't know it's weird that he would he would send someone down and just put him in one specific geographical area so that only a small portion of the population would ever even see him or have access to him or experience him

and then on top of that have them do these miracles, perform these miracles for the select few at a select time. And I know I'm starting to sound like a skeptic here. I'm not. I actually was born and raised a Catholic and believing in this stuff, but not carte blanche, okay? God gave us the ability to think and ask questions, and I do. I mean, why didn't Jesus just, you know, on mass, kind of perform miracles that swept across the whole planet?

Or made himself known and visible and physically present amongst all humans? It just seems odd that, you know what? You're my son? I'm God. I'm sending it down to Earth. And you're just going to go to that little area there. and you're going to cause a bunch of turmoil and you're going to whip everyone into a frenzy,

but that's your turf, okay? You just hang out and party there, son. Don't stray off campus. It just seems if you're the son of God and you have so much to offer, why didn't he get out and, you know, find a travel agent or something? Move around a bit, you know?

Hey, man, I hear, uh, Louisiana is supposed to be nice this time of year. I think I'll go fishing in Ohio. Maybe head down to Africa and do some safari. Check out them giraffes that my father created. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Why just stay confined to one area? I mean, even rock bands move around, like the doors and Led Zeppelin went from city to city.

And they were just rock gods. What about the real God, son of God? Couldn't someone with kind of a knack for making money have planned a world tour for the Son of God? Hello, Detroit. How are you Detroit? Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Buffalo! Yeah! Good night, Buffalo! You rock! I'm the son of God. Now, coming to the stage, opening for Billy Idol and Megan death. It's the son of God. Jesus Christ. I don't know. Anyways, I'm not, I guess I don't know. Maybe I am challenging it a little bit, but it just seems with something so intense, something

so almighty, it just would have spread out a little more. But I guess we'll find the answers when we all get up to heaven, right? In the meantime, we celebrate his birth, and we have this event called Christmas, and it's probably one of the best times a year, and people seem to get along better, and by God, that is a miracle in itself. Right? Right.

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It's the worst part of Christmas. Rapping. This might be more for the men for the women, but have you got your wrapping skills up to speed? And I don't mean your gangster rapping skills. I mean your Christmas gift wrapping skills. As a man, I can tell you from personal experience, I cannot wrap a present properly.

I cannot even dress a wound. I can barely put on a band-aid. I don't take origami classes. I can't fold my foiled leftovers to look like a little goose. I just am not good with wrapping things. The most I can do is if I saw a hot model walking down the street, I could run up and wrap my arms around her. But that's it.

Yeah, I just fold stuff here. I fold stuff there. I put tape all over the place. I mean, really, my presence look like Frankenstein. Yeah. It looks like I was up in a laboratory all night, and I had my presence hooked up to some electrodes, and I'm standing there, and my hair's all crazy,

and there's lightning in the sky, and I've got some wrapping paper, and I'm cutting the little pieces, and I'm sticking it all over this present and the lightning goes off and it's alive. I'm present alive. Okay, it's not that crazy, but it's pretty close, man. Maybe I should just give out as a present this year. Give out wrapping paper.

Wait a minute. That's what I'll give for Christmas wrapping paper. People will be like, oh my God, who rap? this and it's like hey it's you know i did it's so professionally wrapped it just looks like it's looks like it's right out of the box merry christmas i'm unwrapping my present and i just keep getting the more wrapper hope you're not on my christmas list this year because you're getting wrapping all wrapped up and wrapping here on the harland highway it's alive it's alive it's alive god i'll use like one roll of tape like a whole roll of tape on one one gift i don't even try to

fold the little corners i just bends it down and tape it oh anyways you know that's a frustrating part of the holidays but one one of the things i really love and remember you know growing up in canada is we we traditionally had a christmas that took place during snow falls. And, you know, now I live in sunny California, and Christmas is still Christmas, but I got to say the ambience that snow provides during the holiday season, it's just, God,

I have some fond, fond memories of walking through snow, playing in the snowstorms, and especially at night. Sometimes at night you'd be walking, home and the air was still and it was quiet and the snow in the air caused a bit of a buffer so it muffled any type of sound that was out there anyhow and sometimes you get those snowfalls where great big fat flakes would just kind of float down there was no wind there was no blowing they just kind of floated down slowly like like there'd just been a giant pillow fight and feathers

were floating everywhere. Those were, those are the magical moments in the snow. And then sometimes you go to a place where the snow makes everything just right. I was telling my sister this the other day, man. One winter I got to spend Christmas in New York City, right downtown Manhattan. Oh, just a treat. It was snowing. You know, New York can be a bit of a grimy, dirty place.

A lot of hustle. and bustle, but I'll tell you what, when it is snowing in New York or Christmas and everything's white, people are rushing around here and there and the cars are driving through the snow and you know, you'll walk for a bit, but then you'll get cold so you'll run inside to Macy's and it's all decorated and lights and I don't know, there's something really nice and warming for the soul. If you haven't spent a Christmas in New York, it's, even though it's a big concrete jungle, somehow they have a knack of making it feel Christmassy in New York. So I recommend it. And probably one of the things I don't like about snow, even though it's all part of this

romantic snowy notion that I'm taking you through right now. Are you getting, getting aroused? Oh, and that snow talk is, oh, okay, enough. Here's something I don't like walking in the snow. And I don't mind when it's soft and fluffy, and it feels like you're walking through porridge. But you know when it gets compacted, and it's really frigid out, and the snow's like all pressed down,

and when you walk, it squeaks. Oh, it's kind of like that feeling when people scrape their nails across a chalkboard. It just gives you the shit. shivers up the spine. You know what I'm talking about? Walking on the hard crunchies now. Oh my God. I can't even listen to that. It gives me goosebumps. Oh, it's like waterboarding, man. That's like, oh, does that get to you too? It's like ever get a ball of cotton and put it in your mouth and bite it with your back teeth? It's just like, oh, I'm getting goosebumps just talking. about it. Oh, that crunchy, squeaky snow.

It's like torture. Stop it. Stop it. Stop walking on the snow. I'll tell you anything you want to know. Yes, I slept with your wife. Yes, I shot JFK. Yes, I sunk the Titanic. Oh, God. Oh, mercy. You know what? Screw what I said.

Maybe I was cut out to be having a Florida or a Arizona or a California Christmas. God, anything to get away from that freaking noise, man. Good Lord. Oh, snow. Sweet snow. I guess a lot of you probably don't even. and, you know, know about snow, like, you know, shoveling snow. That was a real treat.

Just one more chore your parents got you to do. It's like you're sitting at home. It's late at night. Well, it's not late. Maybe it's around like nine or ten. You're watching your favorite TV show. You got a hot chocolate going, the glow of the TV. You're snuggled in a blanket on the couch.

Oh, you're right in the middle of your favorite show. and this is before the times of, you know, DVRs where you could just freeze things and pause things. And you're right in the middle of your show and your mother walks in. She's like, Harland? You know, get out there and shovel that driveway

before your father gets home. Oh, but I'm right in the middle of my show. I can't, don't give me any sask talk, loopie. Look, Mom, I can shovel the driveway in a few minutes. This thing's going to be over. 20 minutes. Your father will be home before that. You get out there right now and shovel that driveway,

your little whippersnapper. Right? There's no talking to them. They don't care how into the incredible Hulk you are or friends or the O.C. Your ass is out on the driveway shoveling. And man, it's work. You know, don't think you're going out there and getting it done in 10 minutes. When you have an average-sized driveway

and you've got three feet of snow on a driveway that's maybe, you know, 40 feet long, 50 feet long, that's work. That's backbreaking, cold, miserable, nose-running work. Okay, I know, I did it. Okay? You know how many climaxes of the Incredible Hulk I missed? And I don't mean in that way.

I mean, the climax of the episode of the TV show. Oh, torture, man. And then, of course, to add insult to injury, you know, you're the runny-nosed kid that's, you know, shoveling through the endless mountains of snow. It takes you like three hours. Sure enough, you look across the street, and there's the rich neighbor with the fancy, shiny snowblower,

just chugging along having the table. time of his life right he's yelling a girl hey how you doing over there harland ah up yours pardon me i can't hear the wind's blowing i said up yours snowblower ass what nothing you don't know how the incredible hulk ends do you what up yours yeah you know they're over there just cutting through the snow like nothing they're actually having fun doing it oh Snow. But then on the other hand, right? There's probably some old guy in Florida right now

and a turquoise shirt and some really bad-looking shorts and some sandals scraping flamingo crap off his front windshield. You damn pink birds! Oh, he's crapping your yogurt all over my car. I wish I lived in some snow. Get rid of you damn pink birds. What?

Up yours! I guess you can't win, right? Anywhere you go. There's going to be some force of nature, something in the element somewhere that pisses you off and rubs you the wrong way. And I guess that's why it tis the season to be jolly, right? Oh, deck the halls with boughs of holly.

La la la la la la la la la la. La La, la, la, tis the season to be jolly. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. I got to mention this man. Oh, just a sexy little Christmas caroler is what I am. Well, speaking a sexy Christmas and the season to be jolly, I got to mention this man. Coming up on Christmas Day, what a present this is, December 25th, our Christmas podcast, which falls right on the 25th. My God, we're going to be out there with John and John watching the first annual, or no, wait, I think it's the 79th annual Harland Highway Christmas parade. I'm not sure the exact number.

I think John and John have it. Those two guys will be commentating. It's a special edition of the Harland Highway just for you on Christmas Day. Probably one of the most memorable Christmas Day parade you're ever going to see or here. Just off the hook, Biash. So I just wanted to remind you to check that one out. And I know we're getting close. We're just days away from Christmas.

So hope you're having a great holiday from me to you. Happy holidays. And until the next Harland Highway podcast. As always, chicken, chow, Maine. A baby. Thank you.