The Harland Highway - Podcast 51

Episode Date: December 23, 2009

More festive Christmas stuff, Xmas singing by actor Toby Huss, Gift giving, and a special sexy visit from the X Rated Mrs. Clause. Holy tinsel teeth!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When did Christmas become so uptight? Remember there was a time when it would snow and people would just wave and say Merry Christmas and it gave you that kind of warm feeling. It was the only time of the year where people really felt sincere. When they said Merry Christmas, it felt like people really did want you to just have a week of joy. And now it's become this big political hot potato where you can't say Merry Christmas and certain stores can't say Merry Christmas and you can't put a manger up

but you can put a Star of David up or you can put up a Muslim symbol or you can do this, you can't do that. Come on, people. I'm a little Catholic boy. I'll say Merry Christmas to anyone I want. And if someone says Happy Hanukkah to me, I'll be like, hey man, thanks.

I dig it. And a happy Hanukkah to you too. And a happy Kwanza and a Merry Christmas and a happy Easter and whatever else, man. Isn't it the time of year that no matter what your religion or your race, can't we all just share? Oh, you can't say Merry Christmas to me. I'm Jewish. Well, you can't say happy Hanukkah to me. I'm a Christian. Hey, man, you can't say that to me. I'll celebrate Kwanza, man. Well, you can't say nothing to me.

I am Muslim. You cannot say nothing. People put down your barriers, man. It's all about spreading the love. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza. Happy Buddha.

Happy whatever there is out there. I'm sending them all. And I don't care. Have a great holiday season. And express yourself. What's going on here? Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown! There, look at me.

I'm the new Dr. Phil. You either get it or you don't, and some people just don't get it. Except I have hair. Happy holidays, no matter what you are, love you, and keep it right here on the holiday highway. I'm so glad you brought that up. Oh, my goodness, happy holidays. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. I was griping a little bit off the top of the show, but come on.

We're all one. We're all humans. We all have two eyes, two legs. Happy everything to everybody. And what a show we have today. If this show doesn't make you happy, then go gargle some Chinese roasted pine nuts. All right. I have no idea what that meant, but I meant it, nonetheless.

What a show we have today, man. It's all Christmas themed. Today we're going to be talking about your Christmas tree, picking your Christmas tree. If you don't have one yet, some people wait to the last minute to put up a tree. We're going to be talking about that whole process. We're going to be talking about lame gift giving. And I hope you lame asses that are out there listen closely to this segment because we've got to put it end to the lame Xmas gift giving, okay? Our old friend, our specialist, who deals with Christmas depression, Dr. Karen, is here, again, to give us some of her helpful hints into how to avoid holiday depression, which strikes many people.

I'm a little leery of her advice, but nonetheless, they claim she is a professional. So what can we do but listen to her? And, oh, boy, put on your seatbelts, man. I figured we have to do this one more time before, you know, St. Nick and Santa Claus closes up shop for another year. A few shows back, oh, my God. The studio is still steaming. We had the new Mrs. Claus in here. All right.

Santa, I guess, is dumped fatty, the old one. And he's hooked up with this hot, new. young Mrs. Claus, and this woman is smoking, just her voice will drive you wild. So we had to bring her back. She's going to be here one more time. I'm going to wear my lead underpants just to avoid any accidents. And then lastly, I have a real treat for you. One of my buddies from the movie circuit, one of my buddies, Toby Huss, who starred in the movie Down Periscope with me.

He's going to be doing one of his own personal Christmas carols. It's excellent. It's funny. It's silly, and it sounds great. He's going to be singing one of his Christmas carols for us on the show. An amazing show. You're ready to do it. You're ready?

Put down your eggnog for two seconds. Turn up your podcast. And let's do it. You ready? Okay, here we go. It's time for the Harland Highway. This is Harlan Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Okay, before we get too deep into this show, which is our last show before Christmas. I have to tell you, people, on Christmas Day, December 25th, we will be on the Harland Highway watching the annual Harland Highway Christmas parade with our commentators, John and John. I don't know if you caught them announcing

doing the color commentary for the Thanksgiving Day parade at Thanksgiving. But my God, the Christmas Day parade is even more outrageous. And these two nuts, yeah, they are nuts, are calling the parade. I think you're going to love it. It's probably one of my favorite segments. And I can't wait to hear what these guys have to say, what kind of floats we're going to have. Be sure to huddle your family around your podcast.

on Christmas Day, guaranteed to bring Merth and Merriman to you and yours on that special day. And that being said, let me tell you about a buddy of mine, okay? Years ago, I did a movie, a submarine movie. I did a submarine pitcher man called Down Periscope, and it was a fun movie. It did okay at the box office. Grammar was the star, and Lauren Holly and Rob Schneider, myself, and this actor named Toby Huss,

who's a great character actor. You've seen him in a ton of things. He does some of the voices. He plays the Korean neighbor on the King of the Hill cartoon on Fox. He played a Korean neighbor. I can't do voice as good as he do it, but it sounds something like this. He's just a super funny, inventive, talented,

multi-faceted artist. And one of the things that you may or may not know about Toby, if you watch down Periscope, you'll see. He plays the electrician on the submarine, and he and I have a lot of scenes together. I play the sonar guy. But Toby looks a hell of a lot like Frank Sinatra. And not only does he look like him,

but Toby likes to sing and kind of impersonate or channel Frank Sinatra, and Toby does a stage show, and he plays a character called Rudy Kassoni, okay, who's kind of a runchier, bluer, edgier version of Frank Sinatra. And every year, Toby or Rudy puts on a Christmas show here in Hollywood, a bunch of his friends, a bunch of talented musicians. And Toby actually put out a Christmas CD. And this is one of his songs.

The CDs called Rudy Cassoni Snowballs. And it's full of funny Christmas carols that he wrote and put together with his friends. And I just love this one song, the title song off the CD Snowballs. I hope you enjoy it Here he is my buddy Toby Huss Bringing you some Christmas merriment With his Christmas carol

Snowballs Hope you enjoy it Yeah it was this time of year About a year ago I think Around the holiday seasons And I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back She'd been gone a couple weeks you see So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so

Waiting for there Ha Finding the door open Opens up. Rudy. Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says, that's it. That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he? What's he? got that I don't got Well, he's really cute Baby, it's me, it's Rudy He's got a short red suit

I know I ain't no beauty But if you squint your eyes When the lights are low You got one swell looking skinny day go Kids love him to boo Was this more than a date? He's got a sack of loo No, you little ain't great

Well, yesterday you're my lips smacker Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker I did not forget Christmas No, I hunch a mistletoe in my pants Packer up There's snowballs like mine. There's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind. You're going to miss my back, spackling, crackling hot.

You log. Wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nogs. He's jolly and bed. Who is this pest? Teets are rosy and bread. Oh, I should have guessed. Don't hit your ass on the way on the dough. You ho, ho, snow blowing home.

Oh, ho, ho. Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy. Blow it out your dingle. Don't go getting snooty. I saw you bag that cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear. Oh, that's home comes but once a year. There's snowfalls.

We live up in the cold. I like these. I love his big North Pole. They jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees. You're going to miss roasting my chestnuts. Oh, yes, ma'am. Good luck without my pink honey glazing. Holiday ham

Because there's snowballs Like mine There's snowballs like these twins You're leaving behind And there's snowballs And there's snowballs Hey look out, baby it is There's snowballs

And there's snowballs Like those nutty knocked out Nuts or cuckoo stones You're leaving behind Nothing. Dear Sandy Claus, thanks for nothing. P.S.

Could you possibly bring me a new bra? Or, if not, I don't know, toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something. A couple of your little helpers. If they help you, they can help me, pal. Oh, Toby, Toby, Toby. or Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. Isn't that a great tune?

I love that. I love that song. Thank you to Toby Huss. You can find out more about Toby and Rudy Kassoni. Toby Huss is on Facebook, and please look him up, find out about where he's doing his live shows with Rudy. And I suggest if you're in the Hollywood area

or wherever he may be, you go and check out his live show well worth it. And he mentioned eggnog in there. Speaking of eggnog, let's see what Dr. Karen has to say about it. Hey, it's Harlan Williams, and you are here rolling on the Harland Highway with me. And it's the holiday season. And we've had in the studio the last few days, Dr. Karen Tanzir is here. And she's talked to us about why people get depressed during the holidays. Not all of us, but some of us get very depressed during the holiday season. Doctor, what can we do to alleviate the symptoms of depression during the holiday season?

Well, Harlan, what you have to do is understand that it's up to you to each individual to cheer themselves up. Okay, how do we do that? Well, have you ever seen the show Dick Clark's practical bloops, bleeped blunders and blippers? Yes, I have seen that. That can be. entertaining. Well, what you have to do, Harland, is fill your holiday season chock full of practical bleeps, bloops, blunders,

blippers, and blappers. Okay, you keep adding one on there. What are you talking about? Nothing. Just... So, what are you talking about exactly? Well, let's say you're having a Christmas party. Okay, I throw one every year. Okay, great.

Here's what I want you to do this time around. I want I want you to make a nice big punch bowl full of eggnog. Okay, cool! And what I want you to do is boil the eggnog. Wait a minute, what? Boil the eggnog and don't tell your guests. So when they put that gingery snack right up to their lips,

they singe their lips and burn their tongue off. Okay, wait a minute. It's excellent Christmas fodder. Okay, you know what, that's just kind of mean and cruel. Well, if you don't want to love it, don't want to laugh. That's your problem, Harland. As I said, it's wonderful Christmas fodder.

Okay, can you stop saying fodder? What about your father? No, I said fodder. I've never met your fodder. Is he a nice man? Okay, what else do you got? Well, here's another one, Harland. If you're going to put out a Christmas

Yule log for people to snack on. Oh, those are fun. Beautiful chocolate cakes. They look like a log. Absolutely. But instead of filling it with icing, slide some nails and razor blades right into the center. It's excellent Christmas fodder. What are you talking about? People will cut their lips open and pierce their tongues with nails.

You will laugh and laugh. You'll almost think you're watching Dick Clarks, bleeps, bloops, practical blunders, bloopers, blangers, and blunders. Okay, this is sick. I think we've had enough here. Well, I'm not done yet. There's lots more Christmas fodder. No, there's not. You're done. How about you hang under the mistletoe?

You fill it with black widow spiders. And when people start kissing underneath, Harlan, the poison is venomous creatures drop down and sting you on the face. Okay, get her out. Out! Unbelievable. I don't know why we even have her in. Because it's wonderful Christmas fodder.

Get her out with her father. I said fodder. I don't care. you got get out oh just be safe people here on the harland fodder highway get her out man is she annoying god i don't think her advice is very good it's kind of mean-spirited and cruel i i wouldn't advise any of my listeners here to take her at face value honestly fodder an idiot um i guess one of my favorite times and Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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but do I seem a little flustered? I got to tell you, man, I'm a little, I'm a little edgy, I'm a little amped up because Mrs. Claus is coming in very soon into the podcast today. And God, last time she visited us a few days ago on the podcast, it was like, I don't know, man, she's some kind of hot. Old St. Nick has upgraded and, well, anyway, just hang on, she's going to be here soon. but in the meantime, this is going to be a horrible segue. Have you erected your Christmas tree yet? Oh, God. You know, somehow that fit perfect.

The sexy, sultry Mrs. Claus is on her way in, and I go right into, have you erected your Christmas tree yet? Well, if you haven't, you will when she gets here. Believe me, hello! But anyways, what is Christmas without a little bit of? the Christmas tree. Let's talk about it. Rocking around

Christmas tree. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway, and have you bought your Christmas tree yet? Huh? Have you bought one? I went and bought one on the weekend, man. Oh, it's kind of fun, man. You got that pine tree smell, and you get to put your hands

on a real live tree, and yeah, you get to walk through. It's almost like a man. miniature forest grew on the corner of a parking lot used to be an empty concrete parking lot and suddenly narnie is there and you walk through and you look at all the trees you size them up and you go oh that one no that one the branches aren't quite as good as the branches on that one now that one's got branches oh my god look at the that's our tree right there its branches are better than all the other trees It's just funny, the justifications you make, the criteria you set for picking out a tree.

But it is fun, and they're getting a little expensive. You can pay up to 200 bucks for a real Christmas tree, which is kind of weird considering you're going to throw it out in like three weeks. Might as well just go flush a couple of hundred down the toilet. Hello! Man, you get that tree up in your house and you decorate it, and it's all worth it. Isn't it beautiful? Oh, it's beautiful.

And for those of you that can't afford a, you know, $50, $60, $70 tree, or you can, and you just want to go a little on the cheap, do what I did this year. I just went and went to a car wash, and I bought one of those pine tree air fresheners. You hang from your rearview mirror. And I just stood it up in the corner. Oh, my God, it looks great.

There's no pine needles anywhere. And people walk in the house and they, oh, what's that smell? Oh, I can smell your Christmas tree. Oh, it's so Christmasy in here. Where is it? Where is it? I'm like, uh, you're standing over it. Oh. Okay.

Uh, Merry Christmas, cheap ass. It's Harland Williams. I'm like the holiday Martha Stewart. Wait a minute. What? She, she's on her way. She's on her way up. she's in the parking lot oh my god oh my god are you serious oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god is apparently arrived in her limo she's uh in in the parking lot uh making her way

who into the building up I guess she'll be in the elevator going up and in the studio here very shortly oh my god oh I can't wait do we know what she's wearing

no you haven't seen her yet okay all right all right I can't focus I got to yeah she can see she speaking a Christmas gift she is like my Christmas gift

Having her in the studio is like a Christmas gift, believe me. And that's what Christmas is all about. Don't forget, outside of all the Lord Jesus is our son of God, Savior, the Christ is born, a little town of Bethlehem. Outside of that, let's face it, let's be honest, it's all about the gifts. Now, I hope you're not a cheap ass when it comes to giving gifts, are you? Because I got no time for cheap ass. Biosch if you can't put something sweet under the tree for daddy then you go sit outside in

the doghouse Biosch I mean come on folks make the effort and get the people you love something worthwhile please ring jingling people Christmas is here and you ever do this You ever, you know, you can't think of what to get somebody or you kind of do it at the last second. Yeah, we're all guilty. So you just kind of run in and you justify. It's like for your sister and she's like a 40-year-old librarian. She kind of has a quiet social life.

She's a home body and she likes to knit. And you run into the mall at the last second the night before Christmas and you're just frantic, and you're like, oh, okay, give me the blender and the hockey gloves, and the book about polar bears, and you wrap it all up. The next day they open it, and they're like, oh, oh, a blender, okay, I have, I just bought one of those. You were with me when I picked it out a couple of weeks ago, but I get never hurts to have a backup, And you're like, okay, they don't really get it that I was kind of just improvising. And then they go to the next gift.

Oh. Oh, a hockey helmet. Yeah, that's because I just joined that librarian's hockey league. And when we're not quilting, we play hockey? Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's why I got it. I knew you'd love it. Yeah, okay.

And then that third one. Oh, look at this. A book about polar bears. Oh, nothing I wanted more than to be reminded of the time I got mulled by a polar bear at the zoo, ass. Oh, no! And you're just standing there, and you know you're busted. You know you didn't put any thought into it. Don't do it, people.

If you're going to do that, just write them a check. Here, here's 50 bucks. Go buy your own polar bear skin rug, baby. I don't need the Christmas grief. Oh, my good. she's here she's here she's here she's here send her in send her in oh my god there she is hello hello mrs claus hi wow how are you merry uh christmas i am great thank you great to have you visit us again what a treat yeah well it's so nice to see you again

oh what a christmas treat wow and you look great you got your little uh red uh well i i call it my Santa's skirt. Yeah, yeah, it's a very short, isn't it? I guess so. Wow, it's real, real short. Any shorter, and that'd be almost a headband, like a Christmas headband. Wow. Well, what do you think?

I decorated the studio here in anticipation of you coming in. I got some Christmas balls hanging up and some candy canes here. Yeah, I love eating candy canes. They're my favorite. Wow. Yeah, I mean, there's, you know, there's a way to eat a candy cane that's kind of the appropriate way, if you know what I mean. Oh, like there's actually an etiquette, like, uh... Yes.

Oh, okay. So I like to start from the bottom like this. And then slowly work my way up to the top. Just, you know, just lick it first. Yeah. And then when I get up to the top, I kind of... swirl my tongue around you know I like to do that because then it kind of makes my tongue all tingly and makes my lips really wet and then I kind of work my way back down to the bottom

down to the bottom sure yeah and then I kind of stick it down my throat like this okay okay yeah and then my lips are getting all tingly and wet Wow. That's my favorite part. Wow, I think it's my favorite part too. I think the whole thing's my favorite part. And then I suck on it just like this. Do you see? Yeah, it's kind of going in and out there.

I'll just kind of tease it. Tees it. What are you doing right there? You're kind of flickering your tongue on the top there. Do you notice that? You weren't supposed to see that. What's that part? I don't know.

It just kind of makes my tongue happy. Oh, it makes all of me happy. Okay, if you wouldn't mind you, can we move on to something else? Because I'm kind of, I'm just going to open the window. Can I continue to eat it? Well, okay, I'm just going to open the window here because I'm getting really hot. A little cool, oh, that's nice. That's cool winter breeze.

You brought a gingerbread house. Oh my gosh. Let's talk about your gingerbread house. Well, I just opened the window a little further here. Look, did you make this yourself, Mrs. Claus? I did make the gingerbread house myself, but I saved the best part for you. Oh, what's that? It's icing the gingerbread house. Oh, with the frosting and the white frosting. Oh, it does look a little bear. You're right. Well, did you bring a frosting wand in or something? Well, I brought a tube in. and we have to make the frosting nice and creamy first and heat it up. And then we'll, I'll show you how we can squirt it and what you do to test it.

So I think the first thing is that, you know, we've been warming up the cream. And I'm just going to take a little bit on my finger here and just make sure. That's a pretty big blob there. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I got some on my lips here. Hold on. Okay, it tastes really sweet, just how we want it.

I'm just going to open the window and put the ceiling fan on if you don't mind. Yes, I just, it's getting a little stuffy in here, and I'm a little, got the ceiling fan going. So now that we've tested the cream, you know, I've sucked on it a little bit and put it on my lips. Okay. Oh, it looks like there's a little bit on your, just fell into your. Okay, yeah, let me get that. there okay yeah so we're going to put it in the tube okay just like this and see how it

squirts out I'm trying not to look really I'm on a diet so I just I'm not and then once it goes on we just spread it a little bit it doesn't matter if it gets messy the messier the dirtier it gets the more fun I'm dieting I really maybe we should move on Mrs. Claus all this these sweets and these candies it's it's it's I feel like I've got the diabetes coming on or something. Do you mind? What about presents? This is Christmas.

Do you and Mr. Claus do the present thing? Yeah, I do the present thing. Oh, you do. Well, that's fun. What kind of, do you give fun gifts, fun presents? Sure. I actually, I just thought as a thank you for having me on your show that I would give you a present. What?

Can I give it to you now? Wait a minute. You brought a present in to little old Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway? Well, yes, I did. Oh, well, aren't you a little angel? Aren't you a little candy cane sucking, icing, squirting angel, Mrs. Claus? I'd love a present, although I don't see a... Is it outside? I don't see a package around. No, I have a surprise for you. Oh, okay, yes. I'd love a present.

So, do you see the skirt I'm wearing? The little red, didn't you call it, your Santa skirt? Yeah, so I'm going to, can I stand up? Can I get up? Yes, please. Okay, I'm going to turn around. Okay. And I just want you to very gently lift up my skirts.

Oh, this is cool. And you're going to see the present that I gave to you. Wait a minute. What, this is like, there's wrapping paper here. I have a, what is this? A very special. underwear just for you these are the red and green and little pictures of mr. flaws oh wait a minute I think my ride is here oh well I didn't really get to open you know what I

think if I could just take a peek inside my present you're okay can you just shake it a little so I can try and guess what it is just oh okay I'm shaking it I'm shaking it and I'm shaking it and I'm going to turn around I'm going to show you the whole thing oh okay well yeah i hear i hear the bells on the roof i guess that's your man that is my man well mrs claus thank you uh merry christmas mrs claus claus mary christmas to you and to all of your listeners oh thank you i and maybe we'll see you next year yeah maybe even sooner than that what wait come back what did you mean by that Where are you going?

Come back. Mrs. Claus! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Someone get me an ice pack. Someone get me an ice pack. Wow. Well, that, whoa.

That is our show as we get ready for Chris. Wait, hold on. Who's here? Who? Who the hell is Chester Diaz? I don't know any Chester Diaz. Oh, oh, this guy, okay. The, uh, I guess he's the, the sales rep, the top sales rep for our new sponsor here, donkey teas.com and, uh, donkey T-E-E-E-S for all your, uh, t-shirt needs, man.

You got to go online and what, he wants to come in? Oh, no, no, he's not coming in. He's not, oh, hello? Hello, hello, sir. Pardon me? I'm having trouble. There's a bit of a language barrier here, sir. I know you're from donkey T's.

Yes, Chester Diaz. It's pronounced D.A.S. Chester D.A. Chester D.S. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is good. Chester D.S., great. Yes, I guess.

I've been making an announcement how great your t-shirts are. Yes, that you can get them all online. Yes, you just go to donkey t-e-e-es-t.com. And it's pretty self-explanet, or you get there, you're pretty much in t-shirt heaven. You can order all your shirts right there, hoodies, everything. It's unbelievable. Okay, there, is that good? No, no, no, no.

I'm not singing a Christmas carol No, I'm not going to pretend I'm baby Jesus and you're the donkey and the manger No, I'm not going to do it What do you think you're going to drop the sponsorship? Oh my God, are you kidding me? Away in a manger.

You want me to... Roger, he's going to drop the sponsorship if I don't do a way in the manger. Oh my... And he wants to play the little donkey that was there watching Jesus get born. Great. Chester de ass. Okay, I'm doing it.

Okay, I'm doing it. Away in a manger. No, pay for his head. Nice. The little Lord Jesus. Lay down his sweet head What? Wearing a donkey T's t-shirt.

The stars in the bright sky Look down where he lay In his donkey T-Shtoncom t-shirt He was there in the hay. Get out of here! God, out! Did he just hoof me off again? I'm tired of getting the hoof from that guy.

Anyways, check it out. Donkey Teas.com, wonderful t-shirts. Like I said, you're going to be in a t-shirt happen. Maybe you'll... God, it smells like hay in here. Did that thing fart? Excuse me, I thought you farted. But go to Donkey Tee.

maybe you'll find a picture of this guy he's quite a character folks happy holidays merry christmas uh don't forget our next show on christmas day december 25th we are doing the harland highway annual christmas parade with john and john uh you got it you got to catch the parade it's very christmassy guaranteed to make you laugh have fun uh and And we'll talk to you soon, folks. Merry Christmas, and I hope you find some chicken chow main baby right under your tree. Don't hit your ass on the way out the door, you ho, ho, snow blowing, ho, ho, ho. Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy.

Blow it out your dingo.