The Harland Highway - Podcast 52

Episode Date: December 28, 2009

Today we discuss security cameras, battery licking, dogs, and the evil things we do as kids. Scrump rumpdillyicious!! Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, sexy people. It's Harland here, Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway. Beautiful stretch of road, by the way. Full of scenery and roadkill and potholes, just full of pot. So pull over and scoop some pot up and smoke your brains out and get back on the Harland Highway. We have a kick-ass show today. Today we are going to be talking about security cameras, you know, the ones they have in stores and on the front of cop cars and at malls and things like that. How effective are these stupid things?

I really get riled up talking about those. We're going to be talking about testing your batteries. I might even test a battery on the show today. That's right. I might actually lick a battery to test it. We've all done it. I'm going to do it today. We're going to be talking about dogs.

Everybody loves dogs, right? Maybe not. We're going to be talking about them. We'll find out. And we're going to be talking about, and this is something we can all relate to, stupid things we've done in our lives, especially as kids. You know, stupid things we've done as kids in our lives. And waiting to hear this ridiculous story.

I have to tell. You might not even want to talk to me after you hear this stupid story. I probably deserve a plaque up on the wall up on the wall of the dumbass hall of shame for the stupid thing I did when I was about 12 years old. But wait, you hear. It's ridiculous. It involves fire, and it involves a cat,

and it involves a Frankenstein haircut, and it's ridiculous. So what do you say? I stopped dilly-dallying, and we just get on with it. You ready to do this, people? Huh? Are you ready?

I think I'm ready. I think you're ready. Come on. Let's go. Let's go down. The Harland Highway. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Hey, hey, hey, it's me, Harlan Williams, your all-night delivery man. What does that mean exactly? What did I just say? Did I just implicate myself there? Oh, my God, I'm the all-night delivery man. I don't know what that, what am I delivering? What am I talking about? I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Do I ever know what I'm talking about? Isn't that why you love me, people? Because I don't have a clue. E equals MCF. See? I don't even know what I'm saying. And that's part of the fun, isn't it? Isn't that part of the fun, people? I'll tell you something that isn't fun

and rubs me like a bad piece of sandpaper on the rear end of a hippopotamus. Ooh, that feels good. Do it some more. Oh, yeah, right there, right there. Yeah, that was a hippo getting rubbed the wrong way with some sandpaper. Turns out they like it. But here's what rubs me the wrong way, man. Aren't we in the technological age? Don't we have high-deaf?

Don't we have flat-screen TVs and plasma TVs and high-deaf video cameras? Okay? So why is it every time I watch cops, or I watch America's Most Wanted, or I watch the news, and there's some bad guy in a bank, or at a convenience store,

or at an ATM machine or outside a building or the camera mounted on the front of a police officer's car. How come I can't see one piece of surveillance footage that's in focus, that isn't grainy, that isn't blurry, that isn't put at an angle so I can't really see who's on the film anyways, right? You've seen these shots, guys, come into the convenience store, and the news and I was like, If you've seen this person, please contact the police immediately. Okay, thanks, Gorsese. Thank you for the camera angle there, Alfred Hitchcock. You're welcome.

Right? They got like the camera mounted up behind the ceiling fan or up behind a rafter somewhere. So anyone that walks in, it's like. Like, all you're getting is, like, the top of their head and their eyebrows. It's like, hey, wait a minute, man. Holy crap. Call crime stoppers, man. What are you talking about?

I recognize that guy's forehead, man. Are you serious? Yeah, and look at the part in his hair. Doesn't Man Well's hair part like that? Oh, yeah, man. And look, that's his forehead, too. We're going to get the 5,000, man. I mean, can someone not set a camera up?

Where we get the best vantage point? Can someone have a camera that wasn't bought at Radio Shack or found at the bottom of a crackerjack box? Can somebody give me some surveillance footage where it doesn't look like the lens of the camera was smeared with Vaseline or Prego spaghetti sauce? Or someone was breathing on it and I'm looking through a fog?

I mean, I swear to God, that image of the Loch Ness monster floating out in the middle of Loch Ness, you know that famous picture of the Loch Ness monster? That thing is clearer to me. I can see more detail on Nessie than I can on any of this surveillance footage I've ever seen. So here's my question. It's surveillance.

You put it up so you, you can get a video imprint of the bad guys. Isn't it in your best interest to get something that wasn't made by Fisher Price and takes a clear picture? I know old ladies with Alzheimer's disease standing on the bow of a cruise ship during a rough storm who take a clearer pitcher than that. You know, some old bag up on the bow of the Titanic, right? She's got Parkinson's disease, and she's like, hold, hold still, everybody.

She's got her little video camera. Somehow that's clearer than what these idiots are putting up in their stores and in their banks. It's pathetic. Okay, get it together, you morons. And maybe somewhere, somehow we can start identifying these criminals. People being abducted, caught on film. Well, what do we know about him? Well, it looks like he had a blue jacket.

Okay, that's a good start. What else? His jacket was a shade of blue. Yes, I believe you said that. It was very bluish. Yeah, that's all we got. And his face was very blurry. He must have just got out of bed.

What do you mean? Well, his eyes were all pixelated, and his mouth and nose were, you know, spread all around his face and blurry. Good Lord. Honest to God, in this day and age, my iPhone, my little iPhone that I carry around, takes crystal clear video.

Can some dumbass who owns a 7-Eleven hang his iPhone, put it on his forehead or something? Just get a couple of rubber bands and wear it in his little 7-Eleven hat, something. I mean, you people who buy this surveillance equipment, you're getting duped, man. It is just pathetic. It's like buying a car with three of the wheels flat. How does she run? Oh, she runs great. You're going to love it if you like going 22 miles an hour.

Oh, man. Well, there you go. I'm all fired up. I wish I had taken a video of this segment because, man, am I fired up? I want a high-depth video of my face and my veins are popping in my neck and my pores are sweating and my eyes are twitching and there's like froth coming out of the corner of my mouth there oh you sorry you missed this one should have had my iPhone watching me through this whole bit right here oh well screw you well not screw you that's not nice but you missed it maybe next time okay maybe i'll do my next show

from the center aisle of a 7-11 see if you can figure out out of the seven people's standing there, which one is actually me. Here's something we've all done. You ever lick a battery? You know, when you were a kid, or even now, sometimes you get a flashlight battery or a transistor radio battery, and you just, you know, put the end of it on your tongue. See if there's any charge in there.

There's a little something, something. Oh, yeah, this one's still good. Well, here's something I've never tried, and, you know, I'm an adventurous spirit. What we did is we brought in a large 18-wheeler truck battery here. Let's put that down right here on my table. There we go. Easy, guys.

I'm going to be a little daring, a little fun, and I'm going to lick the truck battery and see if it's still got a little charge in it, right? It's just a battery. It's not going to kill me. You ready, guys? Let me clear my throat. Okay, ready?

Here we go. Here we go. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, ah, ah, ah,

ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, uh, uh, la.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Where am I? Huh? What am I doing? The radio show? I'm doing the radio cell. The Harlem Highway? Just say goodbye on the Holland Highway? Okay, why is my eyebrows smoking? What, just said goodbye? This is Hallin Williams saying goodbye on the Holland Highway.

Was that good? I smell burnt hair. What? Can I get some ice water, please? Oh yes, yes, we all do stupid things in the course of our lives. don't we? Especially when we're kids, all right? What was the dumbest thing you ever did?

And I'm talking like that gap between like, you know, four years old and 15 years old. Can you think of the stupid things you've done? And you question, you go, why? How? What was I thinking? How am I still alive? I'll tell you.

one of the dumbest things I ever did. Me and a buddy of mine, my friend Colin, who I grew up with, back in the neighborhood. Back in the hood, man, right? In the hood, okay? Oh, my God. That battery's still... Excuse me. So me and my buddy are goofing around one day, and we find, like, a building under construction, right? So this thing, it's like a clubhouse for a tennis house, for a tennis court, right? And they're building the clubhouse, and it's like a Sunday, and nobody's working. And they kind of left the site open, and it's just like a concrete barrier. None of the windows or doors are in the concrete walls are there.

And it's fairly big. So we're motoring around in there, right? And we find a dead cat. okay we find a dead cat it's not like all rotten and stinky because this was Canada and it was fall so it was it was cold out and the bugs were all dead so there's no decay there was no maggots there was none of that gruesome stuff we all know and love and like to eat for breakfast right it was just a stiff old dead cat the poor thing and at first we're like oh man bummer dude oh man poor little fella poor little pussy Oh, poor little dead, chilly little pussy. Does that sound wrong? I don't know. Anyways, that's what it was.

It was a little cat. And so at first we're all compassionate and sad. And then that thing kicks in that all young boys have, probably young girls, too. You ever read Lord of the Flies? William Golding's Lord of the Flies where a bunch of prim and proper British school boys the plane crashes in the South Pacific and they're all marooned on a tropical island, right? And they're all wearing their boarding school clothes.

And when they first land on the island, they're all scared and they huddle together and they keep each other warm and give each other comfort and friendship. But as time wears on and they don't get rescued, their true primal spirit starts to surface, and they start to break off in their. to tribes and one of the tribes becomes violent and starts hunting the other tribe who tries to stay civilized and well eventually i think all little boys that that that primal

neanderthal energy and instinct comes out of us right so we went from feeling bad for this little cat to hey no one's around i've got a book of matches and look there's some some plastic stripping holding those concrete slabs together. Let's light the plastic stripping on fire and drip the burning plastic tear drops all over the cat and see if we can watch him sizzle. Oh, God. This is for real.

So, like, Lord of the Flies, a couple of kids at a black mass, me and my buddy Colin are dripping, melting plastic onto a dead cat. A little tear drop. You know when you light little strips of, like if you lit a straw on fire? It wouldn't just go up in flames. It would like burn, a plastic straw,

and little blobs of the plastic drop off, like tear drops, and they're still on fire. So we were peppering this dead cat, and I'm sorry if I'm laughing because I love animals, but it was that little boy, evil primal, thing, we're peppering this poor dead cat with flaming teardrops, and it reeks, it's burnt hair, and the cat didn't light on fire. It would just, like, these little blobs of plastic would burn and then extinguish themselves,

and the cat would have, like, it looked like a black Zid or a black pockmark on its poor deceased pelt. What a bunch of dickwads we were, right? But that's little boys for you. So we spent like hours just drooling, dripping flames onto this cat. And then when we're all out of matches and plastic, I'm like, oh, hey man, look at this. I found a chunk of pipe, right? So I found like a piece of pipe about, I don't know,

I think it was about maybe a foot and a half long, maybe 16 inches or something. A round pipe about the diameter of like, let's see. say a golf ball around. And I'm like, whoa, we're all at a matches. We can't burn them anymore. Why don't I throw this pipe at the damn thing? Oh, God. And again, let me reiterate.

I am an animal lover. I love animals. This thing was already dead, but that's no excuse. We were just these evil little boys. So, believe me, there's some justice here for the cat, okay? So I pick up this pipe. over my head, like that scene out of 2001 of Space Odyssey, when the monkey's got a bone

and he starts beating on the other monkey. I raised this metal pipe over my head with a primal look on my face, and I throw it down at this poor burnt-up cat. And I missed it. And the damn pipe hit the ground, hit the cement. I threw it really hard. It hit the cement, ricocheted, bounced right back up, and hit me in the forehead.

Right in the forehead, right over my eye. And within about three seconds, speaking of golf balls, a golf ball grew on the front of my face. I looked like a unicorn, man. This was the biggest bump to date that I think I've ever had. This thing just went boop. It was like jiffy pop. popcorn. I was like a Pillsbury croissant

rising in the oven. And I thought, wow, that's the curse of the burnt cat, man. He got his revenge. Right? And then the revenge kept going, for some reason, like an idiot. I don't know why

I did this. Okay, I got home, I was bored, I don't know what it was. I had to go back to boarding school that night, and yes, I went to boarding school, just like our friends from Lord of the Flies. And my dad was going to drive me all the way up to boarding school, and I would stay there for weeks and weeks, and I was a boarding school.

I lived there. I was like 12, 13 years old, right? And for some reason, before I got in the car with my dad, I decided, hey, I think I'll give myself a haircut. And I didn't know how to layer my hair. I didn't know how to do the rest of my head. So I thought the easiest way to give the appearance of a haircut is to do my bangs. Well, you ever see Jim Carrey and Dumb and Dumber with those bangs going across his face? Yeah, that's what I looked like.

I don't know why I picked that night to do it when I had a unicorn horn growing out of my forehead. So there I was. I went back to boarding school, dumb and dumber haircut, curse of the cat, bump on my face. And that's my story. You can just imagine what the cruel boys at the boarding school had to say about me when I showed up looking like that. And believe me, a boarding school is an island unto itself. A boarding school full of young boys. Believe me, that's tribal warfare in there.

I lived through it. Trust me. So burnt little cat, I'm sorry. I love pets. I was a goofy little kid I love animals You got your revenge You got me with the bump

You got me with the boarding school Frankenstein dumb and dumber haircut I think we're even And if I see you in heaven You know what pussy Put your cigarette out right in my face We'll call it even Here on the oh so bizarre

Harland Highway dog hair dog hair everywhere is dog hair oh yeah oh yeah it's everywhere isn't it people you know someone who has a dog or you have a dog isn't there just hair everywhere i mean honest to god i've got a hairy couch i've got a hairy floor i've got a hairy carpet And I know that doesn't sound right. I got a hairy fridge. I got a hairy hardwood floor. I got a hairy Houdini.

I just threw that one in. You know, that's just wordplay right there. But I got... Everything's hairy. I feel like I'm actually a flea, and I live on a dog's back. When I go into my house, there's so much dog hair on everything. I just feel like I'm wandering around on a dog's back, watching TV, cooking my dinner.

Oh, I better turn on the hairy stove and whip up an omelet. Oh, what's that on my omelet? Green peppers, cheese? No, that's dog hair. Well, I better eat my hairy omelet. Sit on my hairy couch and I'll watch my hairy TV. What a treat. I might as well have just carpeted my whole house.

The walls, the room. Be like the inside of a 1970s customized van. You know the old ones where they shagged the whole inside of the van? You wake up, you got a mustache. You're like, what the hell? You feel it? It's a bunch of dog hair that's accumulated, drawn to your upper lip from your breathing at night. You got to brush your teeth.

Your teeth are hairy. Your toothpaste is hairy. I got to get me a bald dog, man. Where the hell? Why doesn't somebody breed a bald dog? They got bald cats, right? There's like bald rats. There's bald eagles.

Where's my bald Rottweiler, man? Maybe I'll just go buy a whole bunch of bald cats and tie them all together so they're the size of a dog. Pretend I have a bald dog. Either that, I'll just go get my dad. He's bald. I don't know if he'll go fetch a stick. though, but I'll try. Keep it hairy, folks.

Here, on the Harland Highway. Well, despite all the hair, I do love dogs. Don't worry, dogs. I'm not going to drip hot, melting, flammable plastic all over you. You are safe. Those days are behind me. Yeah, that's right. Up yours, too.

I love dogs, man. Isn't it funny to think that, dogs came from wolves. Honestly, like, you know, you can trace every dog back to the wolf. The wolf was the first dog. It's very hard for me to comprehend, to absorb that a weiner dog

was carved from the genetics of a wolf. How the hell did a 300-pound timber wolf? who takes down moose end up as something called a weaner dog that can barely walk, it like waddles around and looks like a weaner? Okay, how did the masculine, tough, ominous, vicious wolf with its penetrating eyes

and its fang-filled snarl and it's haunting howl. How did it go from that to a poodle? Hi. I'm a poodle. I got my hair done today. I got my nails clipped in, yes. That's right.

That's a baby blue bow in my hair. Right on top of my head. What's up, player? Lean back, beauch. Uh-huh. There's a poodle in town. and what the hell are you supposed to be? I'm a wolf, asshole.

Oh, my God, I just shit my pants. You're wearing pants? Of course, I'm a poodle. Oh, God. I'm going to go kill a moose. Oh, I'm not good enough for you? Yeah. Oh, God.

That funny wolves were roaming the planet like hundreds of thousands, I don't know, maybe millions of years before. I'm not a wolf. Is that even a word? I'm not a wolfologist. Were they roaming the planet? Like all that time ago, all by themselves, before they were humans?

I wonder if God just, you know, you know God had to do this just one day, because God created everything, right? You know that one day, out of all the millennia, of all the eons of the existence of Earth and the wolves, you know that one day God's great big fat, hairy arm came out of the clouds and you know

he threw a tennis ball down for those wolves just to see just to see what would happen, right? I mean, think of it. If you were God, how could you resist? Like you're up there watching these wolves that you created

see them, you know, tearing down moose and caribou and elk and you're like, God, I just got to throw a bomb. for those little suckers, right? You know he did it. You know he threw a Schlazinger or a Wilson, you know? Oh, yeah.

Because God made tennis balls, people. God makes all things. It doesn't matter that tennis didn't exist back then. God already knew tennis was coming. God has a master design, a master plan. Yes. And maybe he threw a statement. stuffed toy squirrel toy down.

Okay? Maybe he did that. Maybe he made a cloud into a doggy band. I don't know. God does whatever he wants. He gave us this podcast, didn't he? He gave me you and you, me. And here we are together trying to sort out my ridiculous thoughts.

Don't you have better things to do, people? I'm betting that you do. So why don't we end the show on that thought? And I got to say thank you for coming along for the ride down the Harland Highway. Great to have you here. Keep listening. Tell your friends, I want everyone to enjoy this podcast. And until next time, my friends, don't burn any cats.

And as always, chicken chow mane, baby. Thank you.