The Harland Highway - Podcast 53

Episode Date: December 30, 2009

I'm talking about outsourcing in the USA, Romantic letters read by an expert, and Nerf Herder wrote an incredible Harland song. Jump on board and sing along fat ankles!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy hard-boiled catfish asses. Yeah, I said it, catfish asses. What a show we have today. Oh, my God. I love this show. I haven't even heard it yet. Neither of you, but please love it with me. Today we're going to be talking about outsourcing.

You know, you live in America here, or maybe you live somewhere else, but you're tired of the outsourcing. We're going to get into that big time. We're also going to be talking. We're going to have kind of an expert in here, this guy named Cecil B. Sam Llewellyn, who I guess is kind of a throwback to romance and poetry

and things of the liking. And he's going to be in here reading some of his very colorful and very descriptive, wonderful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful summer romance letters from his archives and ones that he's written to, I guess, past lovers and girlfriends and just a real, I'm looking forward to him. A lot of a heartwarming kind of romantic moment with him. And then this is cool, man. How many of you can say that somebody's written a song about you? Well, listen to the Harland Highway today.

someone wrote a Harland Williams song and I'll be damned if it's not pretty darn good. Caught me by surprise. Let's see how you react to it. But enough of me. You're ready to do this?

What do you just stand in there staring into the lights for? Come on, man. It's the Harlan Highway. You ready? I'm ready. Come on. Let's go. Highland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Mother of Mitra. You are here on the Harland Highway, and I don't know who Mitra is, but I'm sure he has a mother, so I said it. A two, a three, a four. How are you today, people? How are you as American citizens? How are you feeling?

Are you feeling outsourced out? Outsourced out. It's a syndrome. In other words, you're over the outsourcing. You've had it up to the top of your cranium with outsourcing, right? Anything you do, anywhere you call, any problem you need fixed,

you put in a phone call and you're being outsourced to another country, another continent. Sometimes it feels like another planet. It's harder and harder to get answers from people right here in America. Or maybe if you're in another country, imagine that.

Maybe somewhere in India, they're outsourcing Indian phone calls to Ohio. Hi, this is Marjorie from Ohio. How may I help you? Yes, sir. You just turn the knob to the right. You're welcome. But what about here? Are you getting sick of it?

and what about what about you know outsourcing where it's it's kind of awkward like what about are you are you phone sex people anyone listening right now on the highway are you you doing the phone sex thing look out look out mama that's got to be a tough outsource experience right it's like you're just looking for a little love and affection you're home alone you need to feel wanted you need to feel sexual so you pick up the phone and you're like hi this is this is Sam it's not Harlan Williams

this is Sam Smith calling Oh hello sir how are you today I'm good How are you? I'm very good sir would you like to get fresh Pardon me? Would you like to get jiggy with it, sir? Uh, yeah, please, sir, take off your clothes. Excuse me? Take clothes off, please, and get in birthday suit.

Uh, just undo your belt buckle, sir. Pull down your panties. Uh, I don't wear, pull down panties, please, sir. Okay, I've got the, are you naked, sir? Yes, I'm completely naked. Okay, sir, please put hand down in pelvis region. Where? Pelvis region, sir. Please start... grab Wiener. What? Please grab Wiener, sir. Excuse me? Your hot dog.

Please grab your penis Wiener hot dog. And start tugging, please. What? Start tugging up and down on Wiener. Oh my God. Who... What? Are you kidding me? Please, sir. Mama likes...

Mama's getting nice and hot now, sir, please. What? Mama, oh, Mama feels you pressing all against her watermelon, sir. Are you, what, where are you? I am in Cleveland, Ohio, sir. Cleveland, Ohio, yes, sir. Cleveland, oh, Mama feels, Mama feels a hot dog, sir. Oh, please begin tugging up and down on the hot dog wiener.

Look, who the hell is this? My name is Cinnamon Angel. Cinnamon Angel, is it? Yes, that's my name. Please start tugging on hot dog sticks, sir. Hot dog stick. Yes, sir, up and down. Oh, Mama feels a volcano coming, sir.

Oh, there's a volcano. Mama's got the pineapples. Are you kidding me? Outsourcing, phone sex? Oh, it's all gone a little too far, hasn't it? Wow. Well, I guess on the Harlan Highway, one thing I've learned is you can never go far enough, right? I agree with you, sir.

Now please continue tugging your wiener stick. Stop it! Tug a rubber tug-tug-tug, sir. Stop it. Rubby-tub-tug-tug. Oh, God. Let's get out of here. I love a dubbubb dreamen in a tub sir

Okay Here's something extremely startling I was up in my attic You know dusting off my old yearbooks and whatnot And I found something so old So antiquated So foreign to me now I'm not sure I know what to do with it or how to use it

So I brought it in And I'm going to try on the air to see if I can remember or understand how this gizmo works. I've got it right here. Can you hear this? Look, look at it. It's, I'm holding this thing up. It's an old phone that you actually dial.

You know, the phone should dial with your finger. I'm just, I don't know, I don't know what to do. I don't know how it works. I see the little holes. I see the numbers. I mean, let's try this. I mean, okay, there's a, there's a five. Let's say I want to dial a phone number.

Okay, let's say I want to dial five, five, five, three, zero, zero, five. Okay, so here we go with a five. Let's see, I guess I put my finger in this little hole mark three. Let's see. No. How about this one? Nine. Round it go.

No. A five. I'll put it in the five. There we go. Okay, five. Now I'll do the other five. There goes. The other five.

I get it. Okay, okay. You put your finger in the little hole of the corresponding number on the little round circular dial. And then at first they just put it in and waited for a beep, but there was nothing. So then I moved my finger around, and here we go with all the zeros. And look at this. I'm down to one number. And there we go.

Okay. We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again. Or call your operator to help you. What? Forget it. You know what?

It's going back in the attic. I don't even know what this is. Harlow Williams. Yeah, get me my iPhone. I've got to call someone about this. I'm very upset. My iPhone? Well, it went down to the 7-Eleven to get me something to drink,

and then I told it to stop by the bank and do my banking. But it'll be back soon. When it gets here, I need to talk to it. Yeah. Okay, keeping you informed in the future with me, Harlem Williams, the Harlan Highway. Oh, phones and phone sex. Has anyone ever done the phone?

sex that's that's something i could never seriously do it just seems so grimy and creepy like are you really that that down and out that you got to pick up a phone and get off through a phone cord man no no i'm i'm more about the romance and uh speaking of romance we actually uh we have uh someone coming in today. Cecil B. Sam Llewellyn. There's a name for you. Cecil B. Sam Llewellyn. And I guess he's an author.

He's a poet. He's a... I don't know what he is. He's just... I guess he's one of these wordsmits who has a panache for writing flowering romantic letters. I guess it's the lost art of letter writing, romantic letters, to someone you love,

which I think is a nice sentiment, considering we do live in a world of video web porn and phone sex, and it's nice to know we have someone that still has a sentimental bone in their body, has a bit of romance flowering in their soul, and I guess he's here today. How are you today, Cecil? I'm very good. Thank you very much. And you're going to read one of your wonderful, flowery, romantic letters for us today. Yes, I will. Thank you very much. Okay, well, take it away.

Cecil B. Sam Llewellyn. Thank you. Thank you very much. Dear Helen, I've been traveling for five days and seven nights across the country, taking trains from small town to small town, and I'm only a fortnight away from you. I'll never forget how we spent last summer together under the willow trees down by the pond. You sat there with your hair glistening in the sun,

your smile and your laugh echoing through the leaves and the tree up above. And a bird's nest, a bird's nest hung in the branches just above us. I'll never forget how I reach. up and grabbed that woodpecker, and with its pointy beak, I continually stabbed your face with the pointy beak of the... Hold it! Hold it! Yes. What is that? I'm reading my letter. May I continue? Well, yeah. It just got a little weird that may I continue, please? I remember laughing and dancing as we skipped through the heather and the wheat fields, prancing and joloping and jumping around,

the hummingbirds darting around our heads. And I'll never forget how I picked up a hornet's nest and slammed it over your head and watched the bees sting your face till it was purple and pus was dripping out of every crevasse of your pimply pussed face, Hold it. Let me see that. Excuse me. Please don't take my materials.

This is a romance letter? May I continue, please? This is getting a little weird, sir. May I continue, please? Here, just... Something's not right here. Give me that. Here, take it.

Give me that, please. Take it. Thank you. I remember we came to a railway track. We sat and we waited for the train to come and we put pennies on the railway track hoping that the train would come along and with its immense way flattened them out

and we could laugh and giggle at our flattened pennies. And then alas, the sound of the train whistling in the distance and as you bent over the track to put your penny on the track I clubbed you over the head with one of my boots and you laid there as the train came and decapitated your... Hold it! Come on! Guy? Yes? What the hell? This is... What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to read... Get out of here! Excuse me? Out! It's about as romantic as a Charles Manson song, man. I'll never forget how the train dragged her torso down the train. Out! Her head. Bumping along, each rail. Bye, get out, God!

Take your lousy, romantic letter with you. What a creep. Good Lord. What is the guy's name, Cecil B. Sam Llewellyn? I should have known, man. Good Lord. God, I feel sick. Hey, everybody.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. The train whistle was mixed in with his screams and get out! And somebody shut that stupid music off.

Shut it off. Off. Shut it off. God! Ouch, man. What is with the bees? When God created bees, man, what was he like flying syringes? I mean, I'm not a needle guy, man.

I do not like getting needles. I do not like getting pricked in any way. And when these little yellow jackets come flying at you, why is it they are more painful than the longest needle I've ever seen at a doctor's office? it's like they are a needle on top of a needle man and you don't know what's going to set them off these are temperamental they're just angry full of road rage

I mean you can be sitting at a picnic and they get you you can be over sniffing a flower and they get you you can step on a hornet's nest and they get you I don't know when they're going to go off it's like being in a relationship with an abusive partner. I got to walk on eggshells around the bees and the hornets,

because I don't know when they're going to wail off and capow me. What are you doing in my neighborhood? I was just going to get some milk at the 7-Eleven. Don't come around here. This is my territory. Ah!

Oh, my God, do they hurt. And it doesn't go away. man, you get a needle at the doctor's office. As soon as they pull the needle out, you're like, ooh, ow, okay, okay. Ooh, I don't like that. Those bees and those hornets, man, they get indie, and it's like their stinger stays in you.

It sticks in your skin. It separates from their body. It's like that scene in the hitcher. When Rutgar Hower stretches that girl with the big rig, pulls her body in half. The bees leave their stinger in you, but if you look at it, it's still pumping. It's like it's got its own.

own heart and its own brain must continue stinging must continue bringing agony and pain me me me me me yeah tell you what man you want to know why i throw rocks at hornet nests that's why man it's payback you little papery striped freaks i don't know i'm gonna do something i don't know what gonna get winnie the poo or something and i've come over and invade your nest eat all your babies all your little larva inside i'll show you oh stuff and fluff thanks winnie you're welcome harland highway here oh wait a minute what's that in the office hey get that out of here get that no no okay so the sound of a buzzing bee is not music to anyone's ears you hear that sound too close and you know pain is on its way.

Here come a de pain. Here come a de pain. But there is music that we do like to hear. And have you ever had a song written about you? Have you? You know, I think the Beatles did it.

Lovely Rita. Rita made. I don't know what it is. But, you know, a lot of love songs. A lot of songs over the years are inspired by romances, relationships, other people in their lives, inspiring people, whatever. I can't say that anyone wrote a song about me until a couple of months ago. And this is a weird one, okay?

Wherever I go, I do a lot of radio interviews. You know, if I go to Pittsburgh, I do a bunch of radio stations. If I go to Phoenix, I do a bunch of radios. Everywhere I go, I promote. I have to promote myself so people come out to my shows, blah, blah, blah, right? So every now and then the DJs will put a little clip together of my movies or, you know, this or that, and they play it on the radio, and it's great, and you can hear me doing my movie lines or some of my stand-up.

And I guess a few months ago I walked into this one radio station, and they started playing this song. And it was like, Harley Williams And I was like Oh wow cute you guys You went to a lot of effort You shouldn't have done that

That actually sounds pretty good Like who did that And they're like oh we didn't do it What do you mean you didn't do it And they go no this band Wrote a song about you and I'm like What? Yeah my voice cracked Like it was four years old

What? Like a Canadian goose What? Flack, up yours So there's this band out there I guess they're fans of mine Which is a compliment There's a band called Nerf Herder

N-E-R-F Herder And I guess these guys are a legitimate band I think they did the soundtrack For the Buffy, the Vampire Slayer TV series I think they did the theme song they've done a bunch of albums they've you know they're they're legit uh they're too legit to quit let me put it that way and so these guys play this song for me on the air and it's it's like the harland williams songs and i'm like i was totally blown away i was totally touched i was

totally in awe i didn't know what to say and i thought wow that is so nice that these people took the time and the effort to lay down this song. And without further ado, let me stop blabbing here and play the song for you and see if you like the Harland Williams song, I guess we'll call it. Here we go, Nerf Herder, here on the Harland Highway. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D, because you're the only girl that I want to see. I want to be your H-A-R-L-A-N-D.

Williams, Williams. I want to go out with you to the movie show and to the horseshoe tavern, you'll love it, I know. I want to be your H-A-L-A-N-A-N-A-N. Williams Williams $100 is a lot to pay for a pencil

unless the pencil comes from Marlon Williams I've got the sideburns I've got the chin Come on baby Pretty baby Let me in

Oh thank you I've got the sideburns, I've got the chin Come on, baby, pretty baby, let me in Whoa Don't you hate it when you're gone And a hot dog flies into your mouth Oh, yeah Because I want to be

The H-A-R-L-A-N-D so cool, man. I guess that's one of those I can die and go to heaven now moments, right? Once someone writes a cool rock and roll tune, Nerf Herder, if you're listening,

thank you so much. I am truly honored that you would take the time to go to all the effort and write a song about old big ears, no chin, me. And I

Oh, God. Here comes the Waterworks. Oh, God. Thank you for writing a song about me. Here comes the Water Works. Oh, my God. The emotions inside. I just can't contain them. Oh, my God.

Seriously, though. Nerf Herder. Check them out. They're on MySpace. They're online. They've got terrific CDs, albums. Very talented guys. I'm not just saying that because they did a song about me.

You can tell by just listening to their music, definitely great musicians, great vocals, creative guys, have their own sound. And that's key these days in the music industry. So my hat's off. Thank you, Nerf Herder. And I don't know if you caught this. It makes me laugh when I hear this line. They put it in the song. You can go back and listen to it, but they go.

something like it's something like a hundred dollars is a lot to pay for a pencil unless that pencil belongs to Harlem Williams right weird line but let me give you the back story since they put it out there and I'm a little bit humiliated when I tell this story I'm a little bit kind of I don't know if I'm ashamed or I'm I feel a little weird about it. it but nonetheless I'm going to tell you the story behind the $100 pencil and you know what screw it I did it okay I'm not trying to say I'm I'm great or Superman or anything like this but as you know or don't know I write and illustrate children's books okay I've got like nine books published and I've got a whole bunch of other ones and that are getting ready to be

published and I've got, I've paint, and I work in animation, and I've been an artist my whole life, okay? So, these are legitimate children's books. They're out there. You can get them at borders or wherever. You can see them on my website, harlomwilliams.com. They've sold all over the world. I mean, yada, yada, yada.

Yoda, Yoda. Say my name three times you must. Yeah, I just did you. freaky green chunk of relish. Mmm, yours up! That's Yoda saying up yours in case you don't have the time in your day to do the translation.

Mmm, yours up! Up yours too. Anyway, so I do these kids' books, and I'm very proud of them. They're part of my life. They're part of my art. They're part of what I put out there into the world, okay? and if you aren't proud of yourself,

if you don't kind of fluff your own chest up, who else is going to do it for you? You've got to stand behind what you create, right? So I have these pencils that my grandfather made for me. Yes, my grandfather, he was a guy in the advertising business, and he had this thing where he would put any name on any product, a comb, a balloon, a razor, blade, a pencil, a matchbook cover.

And so for Christmas one year, he gave all his grandkids 100 pencils in a box with their name on them. Well, obviously, these pencils had sentimental value. And so when I started doing my kids' books, I wrote, sorry, I drew the preliminary sketches for my kid's book with these pencils. So my grandfather could be part of my experience, even though he's long passed away.

It's all about the spirit, the karma, the aura. Mm, yours up again. Shut up, Yoda. I try to get all deep and Yoda flips me off. Right? So when you're doing a kid's book, you do the initial drawings and pencil, at least I do, and then you fill them in with ink and paint

and blah, blah, blah, you get it all finished. So being proud of my work, You know what? These pencils get worn down. They get to the point where they're only like three inches long and they're too small for me to draw with anymore. And I'm thinking, okay, traditionally I used to throw them in the garbage, okay? Never thought twice.

And then I thought to myself, wait a minute. People buy my books. They like my books. You know, what if someone who was a super fan who loved my artwork and owns some paintings and, What if they could get their hands on the actual pencil that I drew my kids' books with? Okay, and now here's where it gets weird. Here's where I get uncomfortable because, you know, inevitably I have to compare myself

to some of the great children's book, you know, illustrators like, you know, Mory Sendak and Bill Pete and Dr. Seuss and, you know, all these people. And I'm like, okay, look, I do. do the kids' book, maybe one day, they blow up and they're worth a fortune. And someone actually owns the pencil that I drew my world famous kids' books with. Okay, it's a far-reaching dream, but you know what? I thought I'd give someone the opportunity. And in the meantime, you know, it's a piece of Harlan Williams' nostalgia,

if you're that into me. You know, is it any different from going to the hard rock cafe and Eddie Van Halen's guitar on the wall or Elton John's G-string or Shania Twain's leopard spotted outfit. Okay, I'm not at their level, but you never know. Life is funny. And so I just put them in my web store, and I was like, you know, at a hundred bucks and, you know,

you got the pencil that I actually drew my kid's book with. It might mean nothing. It could be something. Whatever. I thought, you know, these pencils went on a journey with me. They, through my brain, all these illustrations came out on a page through that pencil. And I thought, maybe I owe it a better funeral than just throwing it in the garbage. Maybe there's, okay, this is getting long winded.

Let me end it. Maybe there's someone out there that would love the pencil. Put it in a frame or I got the Harlem Williams pencil that he did that book with, you know. People love nostalgia. They love souvenirs. They love memorabilia. So I put that out there on my website. It's funny that the guys from Nerf Herder picked up on it and put it in their song.

But it was probably even more humiliating than any of this is my father caught wind of it. And he hasn't stopped razzing me since. For years, he's like, so you sell those $100 pencils yet, doorknob? And I just, you know what? I don't even have them on there anymore. I don't even sell them anymore because no one ever bought them. No one ever bought them. I still have them.

And my dad still mocks me. But in a way, it makes me laugh because it was kind of a nutty idea. But who knows? Screw you if I ever turn into the next Dr. Seuss. And those pencils are worth $2 million. Okay? Imagine you own the pencil that he drew Cat in a hat with, Player. All right, climb up off my pencil, beaush.

Anyways, long, long-ass story there. Too long. Falling asleep, I am. Yeah, and you know what's funny? I think I might have told this story before on an earlier podcast, which really makes me feel like a dweeb. But I guess that song re-inspired the story. So there you go.

That's it. I'll stop talking now. In fact, I'm looking at the clock, and my God, we are out of time. Way to end the show on a ridiculous $100 pencil story. My thanks to Nerf Herder, thank you guys. Wonderful job. Thank you for playing your music for us here on the Harland Highway. And keep on digging the sounds, people.

And until next time, this is Harlan Williams saying, Chicken Chow, Maine, baby. Oh, baby, baby, let me it in. Whoa.