The Harland Highway - Podcast 54

Episode Date: January 1, 2010

1st show of 2010 we talk about sport clothing, landing strips (the female kind), funerals, and a visit with Charlie Lee to see how his new years went. Happy new ear! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy matrimony, Batman. Yes, that's right, folks. It is the first show of 2010. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Happy New Year. And on today's show, we will be talking about the new year, an exciting new year for all of us. We're going to be talking about the clothes people wear,

and in particular, tight, tight clothing. And people that shouldn't necessarily be wearing tight clothing. We're going to be talking about funerals. Did you know that it costs thousands of dollars for you to die

and have a funeral? Did you know that? We're going to be talking about landing strips, and I think you know the kind I'm referring to. Hello. So for all you aviation buffs out there, we will be talking

about landing strips, and I thought as a New Year's treat, we drop by the Moonglow restaurant and tavern and say happy New Year to Charlie Lee, the owner of the Moonglow, and see how his New Year's went. What a year, what a show? You're ready to do this? The number one show, 2010. You ready? Come on, everybody. It's 2010.

You're on the Harland Highway. Let's get going. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Oh my lord. It is January the first. First day of the year, people. It's another year.

Congratulations. You made it. You're alive. If you're listening to these words, you made it to the year 2010. Put on your jet pack, jump in your flying car, get on your tractor beam, and get ready to roll and float and beam along the Harland Highway today. Oh, happy new year. Happy new rear for those of you ladies in Beverly Hills who got Asht.

implants. So happy new year to most you and happy new rear to the Beverly Hills Butt Patrol. Wow, this is exciting. I'm still alive. You're still alive. You ever think about 10 years from now, huh? 2020? Think about it. Where will you be? Will you be alive? Will you be a rotting corpse under the ground waiting for Michael Jackson to beckon you from your dirty grimy grave so that you can come up to the earth on a full moon, foggy, misty night and dance? Or will you be a millionaire? Will you be in the poor house? Will you be married?

What about it, man? You got a whole decade in front of you. What are you going to accomplish? What are you going to do? What are you going to achieve? I don't know, but I hope it's all good things. That's what I, your humble host, Harlan Williams, wish upon all ye faithful listeners.

I wish you nothing but good things. Prosperity, joyous relationships, pleasure, beyond your wildest fantasies. and simple things if you want to see a little frog sitting on a lily pad well it's little baby polywogs swaddle around it if that's what it's called swaddling yes that's yeah i'm looking it up yes when

let's see to swaddle right here in the dictionary online to swaddle when baby polywogs hover around mama frog it is to swaddle okay my first lie of 2010. And who knew it would be a polywog lie? Or a tadpole lie, depending on what part of the country you're from and how you say it. Hey, man, it's not polywag, man, it's tadpole. Oh, no, no, no, it's tadpole.

It's not polywog. I'm telling you, man, it's tadpole. No, it's polywag. Look, man, I'm telling you it's tadpole, mother. And I'm telling you, it's Pollywag. Tadpole. Pollywag. Tadpole, mother.

Polywag. Do you imagine that? A couple of big dudes throwing down. Over a conflict, over half-grown frogs, with no legs. You ever noticed Pollywogs and tadpoles? They look like magnified male. sperm cells, don't they? Like if a sperm cell, you've seen sperm cells, they look like little polywogs, right?

If a sperm cell, which is pretty much microscopic, as we all know, saw a polywag, which would be like us standing next to King Kong pie, okay? imagine if somehow a polywag got loose in a fallopian tube what all the little sperms would do they would just stop they would just all kind of nestled to the side of the fallopian tube wall and just be like whoa dude look at that guy man he's huge man yeah man and he's green dude how come we're all alabino and crap I don't know, man, but we better call the biggest loser. That guy's a fatty, dude. Yeah, but look at him, man. Wow. He's like a super sperm, man.

Hey, man, it's a tadpole. No, it's a polywog. No, it's a super sperm, man. All right, now everybody's getting in on it. I can't believe that it's the first day of the year, 2010, and I'm getting into a big thing about polywogs tadpoles. Well, you folks are in for a row, you folks are in for a hell of a year if you're hanging with my podcast. If you're, if you're going to hang with the Harlan Highway for a full

year, this is what's coming at you, man. This is heavy stuff, man. Heavy duty stuff. I mean, lean back, player. I'm in Miami trick. right first show of the year and i'm going off about polywogs and tadpoles and human sperms oh god well anyways let me get back on track i'm wishing you all well and don't just sit back look look at this i'm going to ask i'm going to i'm going to challenge you people i'm going to give you some homework for the next decade okay don't sit back and be lackadaisical about it and go, well, yeah, Harlan's right, yes. I hope I do have a wonderful decade. Yeah, that would be really nice that finally some luck came my way and maybe I won the lottery or I got that promotion

or maybe the right man or woman will step into my life. And Harlan, I love Harlan's positive approach. No. No, slam on the brakes. Okay. I don't want you to be reactive for the next 10 years. I want you to be proactive, okay? All these well-wishes are pure and true and they're coming from me, but people, I want you to chase your dreams this decade. It's 10 years. I want you to write a list of all the things you want. And in 10 years, I want you to have crossed every one of them off. No matter how unattainable they seem, if you don't be proactive about it, it'll never happen. So what I'm saying is don't sit back and wish and hope

that all these wonderful, flowery things come your way. Make them happen, man. And if you've been a couch potato, you've been the kind of person that kind of sits back and lets life happen to you, uh-uh. That's your Harland Highway homework, man. I want you to start being proactive. I want you to go to the gym.

I want you to write that book. I want you to find that relationship. Yeah, I want. I'm putting a demand on you. And you're like, well, who is he to put a demand on me? Well, think about the demand, people. The demand is not to hurt yourself. The demand is not to punish you.

The demand is a demand of encouragement. I encourage you to go for it, man. Do things with your life that you want to do. And I'm not saying you're not. I'm not talking down to you. You're my listeners. How could I ever do that? Yeah, well, how come you're standing on a ladder, jackass?

I'm not standing on a ladder. Oh, yes, you are. I can see you. Okay. All right, I was on a ladder, but I'm coming down. Face level, I level. I just want you to do well and accomplish and go after things. Life's too short to sit around and kind of wait.

for stuff to happen and it does stuff happens you can wait and yes inevitably things will happen to you but it doesn't hurt to pick a target and aim for it and go for things that you want that you don't want to wait for instigate it make it happen all right there's my pep talk there's my 2010 pep talk i want everything good for you people And hopefully I can be involved. You know, hopefully I don't get run over by a steamroller and flattened out. Hopefully I'm right along here with you, providing some chuckles. Imagine that if I did this podcast for 10 years and you hung with me for 10 years.

That's my goal for me, okay? Here I was telling you to sec, because that's my goal is to keep you people on board, entertained, enticed, enthralled, stimulated, laughing. My mission, my goal, I'm going to push myself to try and keep bringing it. Don't let it get stale, don't let it get old, keep you people laughing. And, God willing, I will be doing this for the next 10 years,

but who knows, life is funny, that I hope to make it funnier. Um, so there you go. Enough of it. Let me say it one more time. Happy New Year, everybody. Welcome back to another decade of the Harland Highway. More rolling along with me.

Dun-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-da-na. Give me a drum roll, some hoopla, banners and ribbons, and a marching band, everybody. Oh, my gosh. Happy New Year, everybody. I can still hear the whistles and the bells going off. This is our first show back. And a happy, happy new year from me to you. There's the first one.

And here comes the second one. There's two. You know what Lionel Richie said? Three times a lady. Oh, wow. Hello. Give me some more hoopla, Rod. dun-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-da-na-ha!

Happy New Year! Okay, there, that's it. That's all the Happy New Year stuff. We got that out of the way, and let's get on with it, shall we? Let's start the year right now. And one thing I know I'm not going to do this year is I'm not going to look at old people in spandex cycling outfits. Yeah, that's right, okay?

I'm all for old people being physical and getting into fizzle activities and bonding and doing the group thing and getting out there. Hell, we're all going to be old one day. But there is no excuse for this. I'm at one of these morning cafe kind of coffee shop joints not too long ago.

And I'm sitting there enjoying a dame. and a hot chocolate and I got a I got an egg croissant sandwich on the way and life is good right and it's one of these places where you walk up and you order your food it's kind of like a counter and then they give you a little number and they you put it on your table and they bring you your order so well I'm sitting there sipping my hot my haughty that's right I call my hot chocolate my hot what's up haughty oh shut you mouth and just slurp me you got it haughty shut up and slurp put some whipped cream on me and slurp me daddy you got it haughty i'm in my me trick hey hey anyways i'm sitting there

slurping my hot chocolate and god bless him but uh uh you know it wasn't even necessarily senior citizens there was a bunch of senior citizens but there was also like a clump of the just about senior citizens. You know what I mean? They're about a year and a half away. Like if you could peel their pants down and there was an expiration date on their left butt cheek, you'd see very clearly that they were about six to eight months away

from officially being oldies. Okay? So I'm sitting there, and I guess they were part of a cycling club, which, by the way, is the most dumb thing in the world to be when you live in L.A. Okay? No one has time or room or patience for cyclists on the busy L.A. streets. We got drive-bys to do, people.

Okay? You might as well write your will before you go riding a bike in L.A., man. Not only are they bad drivers here, but there's no room for, like, the streets are narrow and bumpy, and people are rushing. around and you're like a dead man rolling if you're riding a bike here but anyways here's what happened this this kind of oldies bike club comes in and i'm like oh cute you know they're out cycling they're trying to you know keep their hearts moving and prolong their lives and be active

great good for them kudos even though i hate saying that word kudos very pretentious oh kudos to you Just a wonderful performance, Charles. What are you talking about, man? I just picked my nose. Yes, it was just a marvelous performance. Cudos to you and your mucus. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you.

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All right. Why haven't I gotten to the meat of this story yet? Okay, so I'm sitting there, the oldies walk in, they're part of a bike club, and they're wearing little spandex outfits. Okay? They're wearing the shorts that just come to the top of their knees, and they're wearing the little bicycle shoes, so they're clacking around like Gregory Hines just about to break into a tap dancing routine. They're clacking around on the tile floor. They got the tight spandex tops, you know, with the neon green shoulder pads and the neon yellow stripe going down the length of the arm. And they got some of them are actually wearing the helmet in the little reds.

in the diner, and they've got the little, there's like a little rearview mirror attached to the helmet so they can look behind. I was like, okay, this is cool, but it just looked like a bunch of old people trying too hard. I have to say, it looked like, I don't know, just it looked like they were more about the uniforms and the clothing and the little accessories

than they were about cycling. I got to say not one of them looked tired. Not one of them looked sweaty or exhausted. And hello, they're all geared up for physical activity and they're ordering danishes and decafs at a damn diner. Shouldn't they be out puffing them puffing up a hill? Right, so here's where it got disgusting, okay? When old people and chubby people

and people that aren't necessarily in great shape or time has just created a lot of sagging. The elasticity of your whole body is pretty much extinct. When you throw on tight black, licorice-colored spandex, you know, the stuff that the guys wear at SeaWorld when they're riding around on Shamu. Yeah, that's right. Shamu, up yours.

I just got flipped off by a... killer whale, an orca. Yep, yours again. Anyways, when you're sagging and you wear that tight stuff, everything shows. I saw every jelly roll, every ripple, every ancient bulge, every indent, every cellulite welt, every deformed fiboditis curve of the spine, if that's even an ailment, I think I made it up but i think you get the point it just wasn't pretty man and then and then the areas where skin was exposed like the tight spandex was like squeezing where the appendages come out and it's

it's just putting pressure on all the vericos veins and the psoriasis scabs and you know you can see guys with man boobies old men with man boobies and like Beer guts, and they're all smiling. Hey, how's your ride, Jim? Oh, not bad. I think I went 12 feet today. And again, God bless them for getting out there, but come on. Can you wear something loose, oldie?

You know, you can just wear a sleeping bag or wrap yourself in plastic, like an old glad garbage bag, or, you know, wear one of your quilts that you made during the winter season? Something. Just, I don't want to see the good, the bad, and the ugly with your tight body and all your meat flaps. Okay, there I said it. God, I got to get off this stuff. You'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the men's room and I think I got a little vomit coming up. Yeah, I'm going to wash it down the drain and rape.

back into the ocean. Yep, yours too, you black and white striped orca. It is a new year here on the Harlan Highway. Happy New Year, everybody. Here's what I want you to do to kick the year off of the bank. Go out and spend six grand on yourself. Yeah, you heard me, people. Money, money, money, money.

You heard me six. citizens of the planet. Go out and spend six K on yourself, six begonias, six macaroni, six lasagnas, I don't know what you call them, six thousand bucks. Go out and spend it on yourself right now because I was watching the news,

and apparently it costs $6,000 for the average funeral. Yeah, when you die, six grand. I always thought you'd just die. It's for free. It was the one thing in life that was for free, right? But no, six grand people. So go out and buy a nice suit, get some new tires for your car. Just tell yourself, man, I'm going to be dead.

I might as well be rolling around in a nice suit on some nice new tires. Well, I'm still alive. And don't go to the drive-thru. Uh-uh. Pull into a ride. Ruth Chris Steakhouse, get a giant surloin, and put them on your dashboard, and drive and eat like you're going to die. Six grand, man, you've got to blow it.

Speaking of passing on, it turns out when you do pass on, you pass on the burden of the six grand to your so-called loved ones. Oh, yeah. Those cherished friends and family members, you love them so much. you're stiffing them with your lousy funeral tell you what I'm going to do I'm throwing my funeral at Ruth Chris Steakhouse eat a lobster off my belly I'll see you on the other side dinner's on me here on the Arland highway chinching okay not to be morbid but on the topic of dying I uh I want to say that whenever there's death around there's usually flies, right?

You know the common fly, right? They love to land on dead animals and dog poo and garbage and anything rancid they seem to enjoy. Anything, the crap of life, flies seem to gravitate to, okay? Well, let me tell you what I would do if I was a fly. And I hope you don't find this obscene, but I would try to change the course of the common fly with my behavior. Now, have you heard of the term landing strip?

Yes, and I don't mean an airfield out in the back, you know, suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. The landing strip is a type of haircut that women give to themselves, okay, down in the nether region there. down in the groin, just above the, how are the kids saying it nowadays, the Vigiji. Oh, I hate the kids. But what happens is women kind of trim the pelvic region and the hair, and they create like a strip. It almost looks like a strip of bacon. It's kind of the same dimensions as a strip of bacon. They call it the landing strip.

Okay? Now, a landing strip implies that something should land there, okay? Now, I don't know of any airplanes small enough to land on a landing strip, unless you're that mouse Stuart Little and you're up there flying around in your biplane. But, my friends, a housefly, a buzz, buzz, is small enough to actually land. on a landing ship. Now, follow me here. You know, a lot of times in the summer, a woman may take a nap

or sleep with no clothes on and it's hot so she doesn't get under the covers. Okay? Sometimes a woman goes for a massage, and when the massage is finished, the mousseau says, just lay here, relax for just 10 or 15 minutes. Listen to the yawning music

and the water bubbling in the waterfall and just lay here and be at peace, yes. And so they lay there naked, or after the love-making perhaps, sometimes there's that final moan of pleasure. The, oh, oh, you know, like a moose calling its mate in the wilderness. Oh, that was good. And then, you know, the rolling off of each, other and a woman may lay there exhausted and panting and in the afterglow on the top of her

bed, her landing strip fully exposed. Well, here comes me. As a fly, not looking for carrion, not looking for roadkill, not looking for a dog park. I'm flying around by the rafters the bedroom and I see me a landing strip down below okay and I'm like to the other flies I'm like look you guys I've been up here on the rafters hanging upside down for a long time I see me a landing strip I'm going in yeah Houston this is a fly 733 359 2 coming in for an approach over the landing strip over. Yeah, go ahead, Houston. You're coming in front of landing,

it looks like the skies are clear. It's got a turn 95 degrees. Yeah, okay, Houston. I'm coming in, making my approach. I'm fanking up 75 knots. We've got a headwind of 300 round. Yeah, go ahead. Come on, here.

E! You're going to have to drop your altitude there. Okay, got it. E! Put down the landing gear there, Houston. I land. Oh, my God, I land. I land on the most beautiful runway in the world.

It was a little bumpy. It was a little rough coming in, but it's oh so soft. Unlike the hard, cold, emptiness of asphalt. I landed on a very spongy, soft runway. A wonderful spongy. She's soft landing strip. And now I'm going to look around and find the terminal. Okay, I'm getting carried away.

I apologize, but there you go. If I was a fly, I would definitely stop landing on crap and get my fuselage to a landing strip. Hey, everybody, it's Harlan Williams driving home. with you and I'm going to pull off the Harland Highway exit 61 here is my favorite Chinese restaurant the moon glow tavern and I actually know the owner Charlie Lee who's a great guy most of the time let's go in and say hi to Charlie Lee at the moon glow tavern hey Charlie happy new year oh happy new year to you funny guy

yeah it was a good new year for me why you do new year you You watched a ball drop? No, I didn't watch the ball drop. I just spent a quiet one at home. Oh, you're so boring. Charlie Lee have a nice new year. Yeah, what'd you do, New Year's? Charlie Lee bringing Chinese New Year of the Locust.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You guys have a different new year. You guys, everything's like an animal, like Year of the horse, year of the goat. I say, Year of the Locust. Why you gotta go to a four-hoof animal? A lowest insect. You eat all the crop all over the place. Okay, settle down.

I was just... No, don't tell Charlie Lee about Chinese history. Charlie Lee, Chinese, you white guy. You not know Chinese history, terriaki. Whoa, whoa, settle down. Don't be so sensitive. Man, well, did you make any New Year's resolutions, Charlie? Yeah, Charlie make resolution to try and speak clear English.

Well, your English is pretty good. Yeah, but not good enough. I still got Chinese accent. Well, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, there's a lot of Chinese people as they start to acclimate. They have a Chinese accent. Yeah, but Charlie Lee tried to get it clear. Well, you don't have to, but if that's what you want to do, yeah, good for you. Yeah, Charlie Lee learned some tongue twister.

A what? A tongue twister, he learned. What do you mean? A tongue twister? Yeah, Charlie learned. Sally see a seashell, silly at the seashore. She sell a seashell. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. You mean Sally sells seashells at the seashore?

Oh, why you got to rub it in Charlie's face, English guy? No, I'm just saying that's how you say it. Yeah, Charlie said, no how you say it. Sally sell a sea sleet at the sleet shi shi shi slay. going with the Slee's Lee. No, Charlie. Don't tell Charlie. I'm just trying to help. Peter Pecker, Pickle, Pickle, pickle pepper, and the pickle pepper,

pickle pepper. Yeah, I know. Peter Pecker, picked a peck of pickled peppers. Oh, look at you Robert and Charlie Lee's face, funny guy. Now, Charlie, you're doing it all. Peter, sell seashell at the Pecky, Picky, seashore with the picky wiki

Pecky wiki. Charlie, you're getting them all mixed up. Yeah, maybe you eat some pickle pepper, funny guy. Okay, you know what? Why don't you work on your English? Well, maybe I stuffed some sea shrel in your face, huh? I'll come back, you know, maybe next week and grab something to eat. Yeah, happy New Year. You're the locust. I hope it eat your crop. Okay, I'm out of here, Charlie.

Yeah, how about the big load of crop in your underpan? Okay, I'm out of here. What's the matter with that guy? See ya, Lee. Carla Williams on the Harlan Highway. Charlie Lee, pick a peckle picker at the seashell. I'm going for some American food. There it is.

There it is. We just laid the first egg of 2010, the first Harland Highway podcast. Thanks for jumping on board this year. We're going to have a great year. You're going to have a great year. Happy New Year and welcome back to the Harland Highway. And for the first time this year, as we come to the end of our first show

let me be the first to say chicken chow main baby