The Harland Highway - Podcast 55

Episode Date: January 4, 2010

Interview with man who had a CLOSE ENCOUNTER, roadside manners, illegal aliens, and a freckled face kid comes into the studio to sing for us! Sweet Korean corn bread!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Greetings, fellow citizens of Planet Blueberry. Welcome to the Harland Highway, my fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, friends. What a treat we have for you today. What a show, what a show, what a show. This is exciting, man. We actually have a guy calling in, and I don't know if you believe in UFOs or extraterrestrials or whatever. I do, and this is really exciting to me. We actually have a guy calling in right off the top of the show, I think.

We have a fellow calling in who actually had a real true close encounter where he claims he saw a UFO, he saw extraterrestrials. I am super jazzed about this. So you've got to stick around for that, if for nothing else. And speaking of aliens, we are going to be talking about illegal aliens or resident aliens or what do you call them what kind of aliens are they and why do we call them aliens can't they just be weird people why the word alien um and then we're going to be talking about uh your driving habits things you maybe do on the side

of the road i'll say no more and then uh we'll be talking about other type of habits uh you know your good habits, your bad habits, the things you do that might annoy others. Oh, I'm sure you don't have anything because you're all perfect, right? Well, we'll find out. And then, I don't know, I'm a little skeptical about this guest,

but my producer Roger has, he always books these weird people. He's got a kid coming into the studio who wants to sing for us. I don't know who he is. I trust Roger, my producer, to bring in interesting people, but I don't know. A singing kid's going to come in.

If that tickles your fancy, stick around for that. Meanwhile, just stick around. Put some scotch tape all over your face and stick your face to your speakers and stick around because here we go. You ready? I know I'm ready. If you're not ready, that's your own fault.

Because I'm ready to go right here, a rat to now. We're jumping on the Harlan Howard. You're riding down the highway. Okay, well, this is an interesting story we have right now. We've got a guy who claims to have had a close encounter of some kind, either the third kind or the fourth kind, or I don't know how many kinds there are. But this gentleman, who we will have on the phone here in a second,

is he calling through? He's on hold. Okay, we've got him online. And he claims to have seen a UFO. He claims to have seen creatures. He's never seen before. And the guy sounds legit. So let's get him on the line here.

Dale Harper from the Midwest. Mr. Harper, are you there? Yes, sir. I'm here, and thank you for having me on your show, sir. I truly appreciate it. Thank you. Okay, now, Mr. Harper, you claim to have seen a UFO? Is this accurate? Yes, sir, that is accurate. I certainly did see a mysterious vehicle that I've never. never seen before in my life. Okay, and where was the sighting? Where do you live, sir? What kind of geographical location did this occur at?

I live just outside of Cleveland, Ohio, sir. I'm situated in a farm country there, and the siding was just at the end of my driveway. I live in a rural area, a lot of farmhouse. community sir and i have a bit of a lengthy driveway and at the end of my driveway i spotted uh i spotted the vehicle in the middle of a it was broad daylight wow so broad daylight and here's this this vehicle and it's just kind of hanging at the end of your of your driveway there uh what was it uh shape like what color was it uh yes sir it was a brownish uh color kind of a chestnut brown, and I would say it was probably about rectangular shape.

Wow, rectangular. You don't really hear about UFOs being kind of a box shape. Is that what you're telling us? Yes, sir, that is correct. The vehicle was box shaped. It was brown, and it was just, it sat at the end of my driveway, I, as God is my witness for about, excuse me, I'd have to say, a good, a good two minutes, maybe, a minute and a half. Wow, so were you able to get any photographs of this strange vehicle?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I do have photographic evidence. I was able to snap a picture with my cell phone. It is a little blurry, but nonetheless, I think you can clearly define the shape. and the color, as I described, the unidentified object. Wow. Now, that's got to be horrifying. So this thing, this vehicle that you've never seen is at the end of your driveway, and you claim that a mysterious or unknown persons or entity came out of the vehicle. That is correct.

We live in a small farming community, as I said just moments ago. you know you pretty much know everyone who comes in and out of the community uh you know you wave hello you you recognize vehicles you recognized uh human beings i had never seen this uh whatever it was before ever in my life wow can you give us a physical description of of the so-called alien i guess Well, he was pretty much the almost the same color as his vehicle. Okay, so he was a brownish color? Exactly, sir, exactly. Almost identical to his vehicle.

He stepped out of the vehicle. He wandered around towards the back of the vehicle. It looks like he, I don't know if he opened the vehicle, or he went inside a rear entrance of the vehicle. The vehicle, I just don't know, but he did disappear from sight probably for about 15, 16 seconds. Oh, my God. So he goes into the spacecraft, comes back out, or was that the end of it? Oh, no, sir.

Oh, no. That is not the end of it, sir. He came out and he was carrying something in his long, skinny arms. I'll tell you that much. Wow, wow, what was he carrying? Like, was it a weapon of some kind? What was it? It appeared to be a cardboard box of some time.

Cardboard? I mean, how do you... Cardboard? I mean, that sounds like... It seems odd to me that an alien culture would have something as, you know, plain as cardboard. Well, sir, I don't make the rules. I just know what I saw. And then it says here in your press release that the alien approached you and actually tried to communicate with you.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. By this point, I had walked about halfway down the driveway to investigate this scenario. I was in fear for my family. I have two young daughters and a high school son, my son is high school. He's on the football team, and I do not want anything to interfere with him, you know, getting a scholarship. I approached the said, whatever it was, towards the end of the driveway and it was at that point that he did try to communicate with me or it tried to communicate me if you will sir wow this is unbelievable and so was it some kind of foreign language was it garble was it was it you know how were you able to communicate well i guess he somehow it did know english uh it did use english words uh and And I was, the hairs on my neck were standing up, sir. I was, I was just mesmerized. Wow.

And what exactly did this, this creature, this brown creature with his brown vehicle? What exactly did he say? He said, sir, there is a delivery for you. Whoa, wait a minute. That's kind of intent. Yes, sir. It was intense. I didn't know how to take that. Was it a threat? Was it some kind of greeting? I don't know. Oh, my God. That is intense. And then what happened?

Well, sir, then he handed me a small cardboard box with my name on it. And he said, and I can remember it as clear as day. He said, thank you. And then he said these words, sir. I've never heard these words before. or he said, what has Brown done for you lately? Um, okay, so, wait a minute. He hands you a cardboard box with your name on it, which is odd. And then he somehow recited the slogan for a overnight delivery service. Well, you call it whatever you will, sir. I just know I almost teed down the side of my leg in fear.

Wait a minute. It doesn't, isn't that, what has Brown done for you lately? Isn't that UPS? I don't know, sir. It could be. Yeah, that's UPS. Wait a minute. Was this a UPS truck?

Sir, the letters UPS were on the side of the truck. It's very observant. Yes, indeed. I will confirm that, sir. Okay, it said UPS and did the guy, the creature and the brown, did he have a crest on his shirt that said UPS? Yes, he did, sir, UPS, and then on the other side over the other breast pocket, it appeared to be a name tag. It said Manuel.

Sir? Yes, sir. You, it was a UPS driver in a UPS vehicle. I beg your pardon, sir. Sir, at the end of, are you kidding me? At the end of your driveway was a UPS vehicle, and someone brought a, you a delivery. UPS, okay, okay, I thought, I thought maybe it was, that sounds a lot like UFO, doesn't it?

Well, yeah, it's got one of the letters, and it's, it's three letters, but sir. Okay, well, sir, as God is my witness, there was a U.S. a UPS at the end of my driveway. I saw it, I have a picture on my cell phone. Sir, that's a common sight. UPS is a multinational corporation that make deliveries all over the world. Well, then it sounds like the invasion has begun, hasn't it, sir?

What are you going to do for your wife and children? Sir, it's a delivery service. Oh, sure. That's how it starts, and then all of a sudden they're eating people, aren't they? Hang up on this idiot. Yeah, that's right. They're going to eat my son so he can't play football. They're just going to nibble his legs on it.

with a little brown lips and the hang up on this idiot i'm not finished here sir i saw uPSO hang up can you believe this are you kid this guy just wasted 10 minutes of my time my listeners time he saw you he saw uPS truck what a dillweed all right let's throw to something else i got to have a talk to my producer. Roger, honestly. Good Lord, man. All right, listen to this. We'll be right back here on the Harland Highway. What do you got tomorrow, Roger?

The FedEx files? God, idiot. Why do we use the term alien when we refer to, like, illegal aliens, or people who are here on a work visa or on a green card are called resident aliens illegal aliens I don't know the word alien has a doesn't that feel weird like there's space creatures among us

hey man are you where are you from man I haven't seen you around didn't I see you sneak over from Mexico No, I am from Neptune. I am from a planet far, far away. Yeah, what's your last name? Rodriguez. Okay, are you an illegal alien? No, I'm from Neptune.

Rodriguez, huh? That is correct. Lop, Lourke, Lourke. Lourke. What did you just say? It is Spanish. You need not know what I said. I don't know, man.

And how about all the benefits that they're offering illegal aliens? They're here illegally, but they're getting dental and medical and social insurance and education and hospitalization and schooling and housing and massages? I mean, what if real aliens from outer space start Catch it on, man. What the hell are we doing on Pluto where there are thousands of dangerous gases? I hear they're handing out free health insurance on the blue planet they call Earth.

Let us all go there. Yay! Yay! Yes, let's go to Earth. I don't know, man. We might just be sending. the wrong message. Okay? Gotta be careful. Gotta be careful about the message you put out there, man.

Pretty soon, we're gonna have guys with big bulbous heads and giant cat-like eyes and long, bony green fingers running across the border of Mexico and Canada. We would like the free education system and the schooling. My son would like to go to grade five, free of charge.

Ouch, I just stepped on a thumbtack. I must go to the hospital, and the citizens of Earth shall pay for it. Yeah, man. Labels. No need to label. No need to judge. But everyone's welcome. Spaceships, Ford pickups, everyone.

Illegal or legal. alien or resident here on the Harland Highway. Okay, on the topic of trucks, UPS trucks, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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Trucks in general make me nervous when I'm driving on the road, on the highway in particular. I don't know if you're like me. Whenever I approach an 18-wheeler, I actually gunned my vehicle so that I get past the 18-wheeler. I just don't like something with that much weight moving beside me. you know, almost a hundred miles an hour. And, you know, some sleepy-eyed Ukrainian guy

who just came to America and is trying to, you know, make enough scratch to feed soup to his four kids and his wife. So he drives that extra shift. You know, he's been awake for like six and a half days. Teardrops of blood are coming out of his eyes. There's moths in his hair His fingers have been on the wheel so long That they're yellow

And they're curled up like a mummies And he's just like Like a zombie Yeah I don't want that beside me At 100 miles an hour Sorry But here's the worst thing man And this happens all the time

Okay you're driving down the highway You're going somewhere new. You're going to visit a friend or you're going to a meeting. You're going to a party, a social function, whatever. You're on the highway. Maybe you're in a strange town and you rented a car and you're already having problems and you keep looking at your directions that you got from MapQuest

and you're looking up at the signs and you know your exits coming up or you know that the indicator to turn on to the next highway is coming up and suddenly you get in behind a big rig or a bus or a moving van or something, right? And all of a sudden, you're kind of locked in, you're blocked in, you're in your lane because you know your exit's coming up soon, but there's traffic on the other side so you can't get out from around this truck. And here you are in a strange place, going to a strange place,

and you can't see the signs. You can't see the signs hanging up, you know, 40 feet over the highway because a giant like Frito Lays delivery truck is in front of you. All you can see is a big poster of some potato chips. As you look up, you crane your neck through the windshield of your car and try to look up beyond the giant truck in front of you. And then sure is crap, it's like, oh my God, where's my exit? Where's my exit?

52B. Exit to Cleveland. Oh, my God. I just passed it. That stupid truck was blocking my view. Ah. Right. And then you got to, like, go down the road an extra eight miles and get the next exit and then find your way back.

What a nightmare those trucks are, man. Damn, you stupid trucks. You hell spawn. You vile vermin. From the dark reaches of hell, get out of my way. Oh, I missed my turn off. You bastards. Pull out your shotgun.

You're bastards. I don't need my chips that bad, you shun-sum's bitches. Oh, well, if you see a truck here on the Harland Highway, just drive right through it because it's, like everything else, probably imaginary. Okay, so you're driving down the Harland Highway, and all of a sudden, up ahead, on the side of the road, you see some people pulled over. Okay, and you've got the family, and you're on vacation, and you're going through the mountains, and the guy driving goes, Hey, kids, look, there's some people pulled over up ahead. Maybe there's a deer or a moose or a bear. Let's slow down. Everybody roll down your windows and look.

So all the kids are, yay, yay, we're going to see some wildlife. Yay, animals, yay! Get the camera, Marge. I've got it, dear, don't worry. The video's rolling. Excellent. So you pull up, you slow down, you're all excited, you're all anticipatory. You're going to see some real nature, real wildlife, real four-hoofed mammals wandering in their natural domain.

And you pull up and you got the video camera rolling and the kids are drooling and fathers all excited. that he's found something for his kids to see and you get up to the side of the road where the people are pulled over and there's four hicks taking up. Oh my God. Oh my God, to hide the children's eyes. Don't look, children.

But we want to see, Daddy. Oh, my God, I'm getting this all on video, George. Turn that camera off, you pervert. What did you call me? Mommy, mommy, what's that yellow stuff? Ah! Yeah. you've all done it at the side of the road right how about those people that think there's something else going on

they pull up and there's the beverly hillbillies spray and lemonade all over the shoulder of the road oh well that's why the road's full of surprises right here on the harland highway oh yes oh the old urinating at the side of the road do you have any funny stories about something odd you saw at the side of the road, maybe an animal, maybe a human being, maybe a house on fire, something strange and bizarre, maybe you saw Bigfoot, maybe you saw an old guy taking a sponge bath, I don't know. But give me a call, leave me a message here at the Harland Highway,

a 323-215-1486. I always encourage my listeners to leave a message, tell me a funny story, or just say hello. But in particular, if you've seen something weird at the side of the road or memorable, I want you to give me a call at 323-215-1486, and tell me what you witnessed. tell me what your eyes have seen my liege my eyes have seen nothing that's not what i asked you my liege but my eyes have seen nothing i'm blind oh sorry my liege up yours um so three two three two one five one four eight six give me a call keep it short don't go on for too long i don't want your whole uh summer vacation but uh

Let me know, and if I like it, I'll put it on the air when we do our next Fan Appreciation Day podcast, which should be coming up soon. I love getting your voicemails, people. One last time, 323-215-1486. Hey, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, rolling with you. and uh i guess we have someone in the studio here today uh somebody let their kid in here or something i don't know if it's somebody that works in the building or what but uh apparently this kid wants to come in and sing a song hey kid hi so you want to sing a song yeah okay uh what is it like a classic rock song or No, it's my own song.

Okay, what is it? Can I sing it now? Yeah, go for it, kid. I want to drive a dumb truck, a dumb truck, a dumb truck, a dumb truck, I want to drive a dumb truck, I want to drive it all day. Okay, good song, kid, well, thanks for coming in. I want to drive a dumb truck, a dumb truck, a dumb truck, a dumb truck. Okay, kid, thank you for coming in. Great song.

I want to drive a dumb. Kid. Track, a dumb. Kid. Out. I don't want to go out. Yeah, well, I want you out. Your song's over.

No, it's not. I want to drive a dumb. Track. A dumb. Track. A dumb. A dumb. Kid.

Get out of here. Jeez. Get them out. Find out whose kid that is, and don't let them back. Unbelievable. That kid was demented. He wants to buy a dump truck. No, I want to drive a dump truck. A dump. Get them out. Oh, no. We better not be starting off the year with more of these freaks. Who's next cinnamon boy coming back? I don't want to see that kid in here this year.

I don't want cinnamon boy. I don't want Michael Jackson. I don't want Dr. Karen. I don't want Julia Childs. I don't want Senor Fuentes. I don't want any of them in here. We're starting off fresh. And I don't want that dump truck kid back. I want to buy a dump. Get him out.

It's Harlan Williams. Yes, it is Harlan Williams. And I don't know why. Why, oh, why I always get the weirdos in my studio here. I don't know why. I don't know if I attract them. I don't know if I'm putting out the vibe. I don't know if it's me or them or my producer, Roger,

who keeps getting me these whacked out freaks. Oh, but I'm sorry. I hope you can tolerate them. It's not easy for me. I know it's not easy for you. But if we both hang in there together, I think we can do it. what about you do you have any annoying traits that you're aware of i mean i bet there's a dozen or more that you're not aware of i mean right because we all think we're perfect right but do we have any

that we do like kind of voluntarily or involuntarily i've got one man i've got one that i'm aware of that I kind of can't help it. It's just natural, but it's got to be annoying for if you ever get the opportunity or you ever get burdened with the opportunity of going to a movie with me, I love going to the movies, right? And as you can tell, I talk a little slow. I've always had a bit of a slow voice, a bit of a drawl. Everyone thinks I'm from Texas. I don't mind. I'm having. I'm happy with my voice, but what you may or may not know, and I'm guessing you don't, is I have a crazy-ass deviated septum, okay? So I don't know if that's part of my whole nasally sound and voice

or what, but I have a really small, like, breathing passage up through my nose, okay? The whole under my mouth is fine. I can gulp in more air than a baleen whale. at a shrimp eating contest, okay? Okay, no problem there, but you get to my nose, and it's like a pinhole up there. I've actually had a doctor tell me the openings up in my nose, and I'm sore I have to take you there, but he said it's the size of a pinhole.

I actually had to go get surgery when I was a little kid to try and open it up a little. but the end result is if you go to a movie with me I'm not aware of it I can't hear it but I know that the unfortunate people who aren't with me sitting on one side can hear it and the person I go to the movie with on the other side can hear it I breathe like Darth Vader

okay it's borderline snoring and if there's a quiet moment in the movie like it could be an action movie like But then all of a sudden there's a quiet love scene. I love you, Diane. Look in my eyes. And then all you're here from me is... I said, I love you, Diane.

You're the force, Diane. I know. It's hilarious. It's hilarious to me because I will catch strangers sitting beside me. during a quiet part in a movie where there's no music, no soundtrack, it's just, you know, a quiet moment. I will catch people kind of glancing over at me, like kind of not a look to see if I'm there, but kind of that annoying, like, you know, when someone's talking in a movie and you don't want to go, shh, be quiet, because, you know, nowadays people pull a gun.

But they kind of give you that look like, uh, dude, shut the hell up. Are you okay? Right? So every now and then I catch myself getting those glances from people and I realize, I catch myself, I go, oh, my God, they can hear me breathing. And every now and then the person I'm with

will actually comment on it. Oh, dude. Like, can you cut the breathing, dude? What are you in a deep freeze meat locker, man? wow what are you snoring are you in a coma what the hell are you in an iron lung chill out dude it's like a bad like obscene phone call in the middle night hey are you awake yeah i'm awake who's this oh my god i'm calling the police

question is, do you have any annoying habits, anything that you're not familiar with that you might do or habits that you do do do, do do? I gave you my number earlier. Feel free to call me and share your annoying or not so annoying bad habits with me and the other listeners here on the highway. Leave me a voice message and I'll put it on the air and make it real. Don't make something up. I can tell if you're faking. Okay, make it legit. No one can see your face, so feel free to leave me

a message. And as far as good habits go, my friends, I certainly hope that you make the Harland Highway one of your habits, one of your good habits, and please tell your friends, email your friends,

call your friends, try and get everyone you know on board the Harland Highway here, because there's a lot of laughter to be shared. And your friends will be pissed at you if they find out that you've been listening for years and you didn't tell them. So there you go. Bad habits, good habits.

Either way, Daddy still loves you. That's our show for today. We will catch you next time right here on the best habit you could ever have, the Harlan Highway. And until then, chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.