The Harland Highway - Podcast 56 - Guest Tom Green

Episode Date: January 6, 2010

Special guest Tom Green drops by for some spectacular conversations and adventures. Tom and I go on a safari into Sponge Bob Squarepants brown pants!!! sweet tropical tree rot! Learn more about your ...ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, Mr. Tambourine man, can you stop shaking that damn thing and making all that rattling noise? Yep, yours too. Hey, everybody, Harland Williams here. It's here. You are on the Harland Highway, and what a show we have today. Wonderful show. So pretty much the whole show is being spent with someone you all know and love and have seen in the movies, have seen on TV, have seen being a maniac and a wild man.
Starting point is 00:00:45 It's my buddy Tom Green, everybody. And we have a great interview. This isn't your typical Tom Green interview where he's just being a nut. This is peeling the lid back on Tommy Zachary Green, okay? I'm going to be asking him stuff that people don't normally ask him. And whether you like Tom or you don't, and you better like him or I'm going to come to your house and squish marshmallows in your eyes.
Starting point is 00:01:14 Whether you like them or you don't, I think you're going to like him here today because Tom is very candid and open, and we have some wonderful exploratory questions. We answer some big what-ifs. We even go on a bit of a safari together, a fantastical journey into a place you'd never expect Tom and I to go. Just had a wonderful time talking with Tom.
Starting point is 00:01:43 I hope you'd dig it. Are you ready to do this? Hello, are you ready to get on the Harland Highway? Yeah, I thought so. Because I know I'm ready. So put your shoes on and your sun hat and your tanning lotion because here we go. You're ready? Come on.
Starting point is 00:02:02 Let's go. It's the Harlan Highway. All aboard. You just made a wrong turn. Happens to Mergatroy, even. On to the Harlan Highway. You've got cancers at the anus? Why, George, I think he's got it.
Starting point is 00:02:19 Stop it. Stop her. You're busting my heart. It's Harlan Williams. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harlan Williams, and you are riding on the Harland Highway. And what a day. What a beautiful day.
Starting point is 00:02:42 What a beautiful green day. The trees are green, the grass is green, and my guest is green. I'm green. He's here. I'm green. Tom Green. I'm Tom Green. How are you, buddy?
Starting point is 00:02:52 Hey, Harlan, this is amazing. This is amazing. I want to get right into it with you. I'm not pulling any punches today. Uh-uh. We are going to find out all about Tom Green. We're going to peel back the curtain. Just like that guy in the Wizard of Oz.
Starting point is 00:03:06 Remember when they peeled back the curtain? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Let me ask you this, because your last name's Green. Have you ever been to Greenland? I've never been to Greenland. I'd like to go. I've never been. Wow.
Starting point is 00:03:17 What do you think would happen if Tom Green went to Greenland? How would people react? I would hope to get the key to the city, but I don't think they have a city there. I think it's just a bunch of tundra. What if they gave you like a key to like a rental car, like a Ford tundra? That's probably all I would get. Oh, man, what? You should be like the honorary president or something.
Starting point is 00:03:37 Well, I would like to go to Greenland. What is in Greenland? That's not Iceland. I'd like to go to Iceland. Rakea, Vic, Iceland's supposed to be nice. It's near Greenland. Is there anything in your name? And there's nothing in your name that sounds like Rakea or Iceland.
Starting point is 00:03:50 I don't think they even have people. in Greenland, do they? Is there a city in Greenland? Vikings, maybe? I don't know. Maybe it's like a Dr. Seuss World, like the Horton. And you could be like the Grand Puba. I should move to Greenland. Yeah, and just start ordering people around. I've been thinking of moving somewhere very far away from Los Angeles. Maybe Greenland would be the place to go. Dude, your own country. Think of that. Yeah. I mean, it's, it's, it's, is now, is Greenland owned by Denmark? Is that, is that correct? I believe it is owned by Denmark, which is Why don't we just say it's owned by you? Forget Denmark.
Starting point is 00:04:24 Yeah. I mean, how can Denmark own Greenland? Denmark is about the size of one millionth the size of Greenland. How can they own all of Greenland? And why have they done nothing with it? I should take control of Greenland. You should. Simply because Denmark has squandered a great opportunity. They essentially have a continent. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:42 It's the size of Australia. Yeah. Why are they not doing anything with my land? With your let's see, now I'm hearing it in your voice. The king has arrived. You have opened my mind up to something here that really... I should have taken this on years ago. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:04:59 I'm going to go reclaim my land. What if I give you the trumpet, the royal trumpet thing, and then you can pretend for the first time you're addressing your people? And I want to see what you say. Ready? People of Greenland. my loyal subjects, my fellow citizens. Hello, I am King Green.
Starting point is 00:05:27 I love it. You're born to be King, man. I want to be the king of Greenland. You're doing a world comedy tour in 2010. Yeah. Why don't we put a call in and see if there's a theater in Greenland? You have a Zanis over there or a Crackers or something? The Green Hutt.
Starting point is 00:05:48 Yeah, I would love to kick it off there, but I'm kicking it off in Edmonton. No, we don't kick it. You don't kick it off there, but you find a theater and go over and Tom Green, King of Greenland, comedy tour. It's bizarre and almost surprising to me that I haven't done this yet. Yeah. On to Greenland, because I've spent, you know, as you know, I've been doing my show for years now and running around. I went to Japan. I've driven all over the United States, driven all across Canada, filming.
Starting point is 00:06:17 you know, funny stuff. Why have I not gone to Greenland? I went to Tom Green County. There's a Tom Green County, Texas. I went there. I went to the Tom Green County Library and tried to get a library card. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:28 But that's not Greenland. That's a county. That's a county. Most it could be as maybe a town counselor maybe. Yeah. But in Greenland, you're the king, dude. Yeah. No, I want to go there.
Starting point is 00:06:38 I'm going to go there. All right, let's move on. We don't want to dwell on it too much because I'm getting too excited here. You ever do charity work? Uh, sure, yeah. All right, listen to this story. I think you're going to like your, I think you're going to like this.
Starting point is 00:06:52 Okay. There's this lady, Paula Dean, who does charity work. I know Paula Dean, yeah. I know what you're going to say. Every year. I know what you're going to say. I follow the news. She got, every year they do a ham drive.
Starting point is 00:07:07 I know, I know. And Paula Dean got hit in the face with a ham. Yeah, with a ham. Yeah. Someone threw a big giant 30-pound ham, right? I know. I know. I actually know Paula Dean. I do. I got to interview her once.
Starting point is 00:07:23 I hosted a web conference in New York City a few months ago, about six months ago. And I interviewed a panel of people and she was there and she was really funny actually. And it was a little scary to see her get hit with that ham in the face, but also, you know, mildly
Starting point is 00:07:39 amusing at the same time. Mildly? Yeah, well, you know, I mean, you know, it's a slapstick is always fun to watch. I mean, I would have rather it was me getting hit in the face with a ham, but, you know. I don't know, man. Because she's all right, it is okay.
Starting point is 00:07:53 She suffered no permanent trauma from the ham. I don't think so. I think she just kind of was a little scared by it. It's just sad that a woman gives her heart and soul and dedicates her time and energy to helping the needy, and the end result is a full-blown ham right in the face. She took it pretty hard, too. I mean, it hit her.
Starting point is 00:08:13 I saw the video. It's online. And she took that ham pretty hard. It was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it was a, it's a, it's a, it's a, you think the next time you see her, you're going to call her ham face? I'm going to call her ham sandwich. Oh, God. You know, you're a movie guy. Tom's been in a lot of movies.
Starting point is 00:08:36 He's been in, uh, Charlie's Angels, his cult classic, Freddy got fingered, road trip, superstar. Um, I was. want to know what is your favorite movie ever and it could be a classic it could be you know what is your favorite favorite movie well i've got a lot of favorites i've had it's changed over the years uh you know if you'd asked me five years ago i might have said jaws yeah i always love jaws um okay yeah but uh you know i might have said taxi driver uh but lately my favorite movie that I've decided lately is a Korean movie. It's not a funny movie. It's a
Starting point is 00:09:15 Korean movie. It's called Old Boy. And it's a really crazy I guess you would call it a sort of like a pulp fiction of Korea. Is it like the Asian Benjamin Buttons? Old boy? In a way it kind of
Starting point is 00:09:33 is. A guy gets locked up by the mafia he gets on the wrong side of the mafia and they lock him up in an apartment for 14 years. Wow. And then I think they, you know, they kill his family or something like that. And then when he gets out of the apartment, he goes out to seek revenge on the people that did this to him. It's a martial arts film, but it's really beautiful.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Old boy. Old boy. You got to watch that one. When was it done? I think it was probably about four or five years old. Yeah. But I like it that you like Jaws. Jaws was, I love Jaws because it was a significant, you know,
Starting point is 00:10:10 No, you can keep talking. I'm just trying to give you the background music. I like that movie because it was sort of, you know, Steven Spielberg was basically one of his first movies. It was his first huge movie. He shot it handheld on the boat, which I liked, which broke a lot of the rules of cinema at the time to actually shoot a movie handheld,
Starting point is 00:10:31 but they found that was the best way to get the footage. And, you know, I always like that movie. I like taxi driver a lot. I like that movie. Robert De Niro, taxi driver. You talking to me? You talking to me? Talking about me!
Starting point is 00:10:48 I always liked Roy Shider, because it always made me think of hot dogs, even though it had nothing to do. Oh, yeah, like Schneider, hot dogs. I always thought it was Schneider. Blue Thunder, of course, would be a movie that would have never hit my radar, but because of my love of Jaws, I also love Blue Thunder. You know, I'd have to say that Half-Baked, one of the great movies of... Really? Yeah, I've always loved Half-Baked.
Starting point is 00:11:21 Okay. All right, good. Well, now we know your movies. Old Boy, you like movies about old boys, sharks, and taxi drivers, primarily. Yeah, and then if you were to ask me what my favorite comedy is, since this is a comedy show. All right, hang on, let me write that down. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:11:39 Give me a second. My favorite comedy, I don't know. What's your favorite comedy, Howard? Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm writing. Okay, I wrote that down. Tom, what is your favorite comedy? Oh, okay. Well, let's see.
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Starting point is 00:12:58 So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Kentucky Fried Movie? No. Airplane. Airplane's great.
Starting point is 00:13:16 Yeah, airplane maybe. Top Secret. I always really love Top Secret. You like Top Secret. I did like that one. One of my favorite scenes in Top Secret. There's a scene where there's a guy on a train. And he's painting.
Starting point is 00:13:28 And his painting is just all these blurs, and it looks like an abstract painting. And then they pan the camera around, and you see that he's painting the landscape as it blurs. by with the speeding train. I thought it was hilarious. And then a tree comes up on the track beside it. There's so many of those visual jokes in Top Secret that I loved. Like the gun is leaning on the tree and the guy grabs the gun and the tree falls down. Or the guy looks at his watch and it cuts to a full screen shot of a watch and then it cuts to the wide shot and he's got a huge watch on his arm.
Starting point is 00:13:59 Or the guy's got his feet up on the desk and then, you know, you do an entire scene with his feet up on the desk. And then at the end of the scene he gets up and his feet stay up on the desk and it's just some fake legs that are lying there. where the phone is up and close in the frame. It looks like there's this huge phone up in the front. Right, yeah. The shot perspective-wise, and the guy comes walking up from the back of the scene, he reaches out and grabs the phone,
Starting point is 00:14:19 and it's actually a massive phone. There's a scene where they're having a shootout, an old barn, and guys are, like, shooting out glass windows with window panes, but it turns into an X's and O's game. Yes, exactly. I love all that physical. The only thing I didn't like about that movie is kind of, and I'm a fan of Al Kilner,
Starting point is 00:14:36 but I didn't love him as the lead guy, because I didn't find that he's kind of too serious for me. Yeah. Well, that was, I think they were trying to do that, though, right? Yeah. They threw him in, a straight guy into the world of insanity all around him. Yeah, there's something that felt a little off to me, but I do like Val Kilmer. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:55 What about something about Mary is one of my favorite comedies of all time? That's a great one. Yeah, I remember when I saw that movie, I was in Canada on a road trip. It was before my show got picked up on MTV. but I probably never told you this story but I was starting my show in Canada and a lot of the things that I would do on my show back at that time, you know, before it was on MTV
Starting point is 00:15:20 were sort of gross out gags, crazy shocking gross gags like suck and milk out of a cow's udder or we'd find a dead moose at the side of the road and I'd get out and hump the moose and get reactions from people and do all these things that you sort of had never seen on TV before and I remember seeing something about Mary in a theater This was probably just about six months before MTV picked up my show.
Starting point is 00:15:42 And I was thinking, wow, you know, the come on the ear, can you say that? Yeah, you can say that. The jizz on the ear or all the sort of shocking. The ejaculate. The ejaculate on the ear. It just seemed to me like it was very exciting to see that at the time. I remember having not really laughed that hard in a movie theater ever. It was one of those movies where all the elements seemed to come together. Like everything seemed to click from the casting to the story to even those weird guys playing music in the middle of scenes or they'd end a scene by playing a little song.
Starting point is 00:16:18 Yeah. It was kind of like there was a shift going on in the way people thought, I think, at that time. You know, Pulp Fiction came out. That movie came out. All of a sudden there was, you know, conventional walls that were being smashed that you wouldn't see, you know, and that was surprising and exciting. Now, you know, it's kind of hard to do that now. You know, there's a whole string of crazy movies that came out after that, you know, never really had that element of surprise anymore. Yeah, it was a good movie.
Starting point is 00:16:44 And what's great about it is it stands up today. If you watch it today, it's still very funny. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah. I like Kingpin, too. That one was good. Kingpin was good. Kingpin was great.
Starting point is 00:16:54 Yeah. Well, let's shift gears here, and this is going to take us off in a whole new direction, Tom. Okay. But I think people want to know. I'm scared. Well, you might. might be because this could happen to you. Tom Green lost in the desert, green versus the environment. How does Tom Green survive? What does Tom Green eat? What does he drink? How does
Starting point is 00:17:20 Tom Green get across a desert and stay alive? I think I would start by looking for a, in a desert. How do I stay alive? In the desert. We're talking like the Mojavee Desert or the Gobi Desert. I'd be worried to eat a cactus Okay Because are they poisonous Well these This is what we need to hear from you We don't know
Starting point is 00:17:45 I've never been lost in the desert before But I think I would start You know by By all means I would start by trying to find water Okay But you would eat a cactus Well I would
Starting point is 00:17:57 I would drill into the inside of it And get the liquid The juices out of it Just to get to water So you're lost in the desert You somehow have an electric drill. Well, and I would get a rock. Oh, a rock.
Starting point is 00:18:10 Okay. I would smash the cactus in half. I thought you had a drill. Okay. And I'd scrape all the needles off the side of the cactus, and I'd squeeze the juices out of the center of the cactus into a leaf or something like that, or into my hands or something, just into my mouth. Cactus juice.
Starting point is 00:18:27 Cactus juice. So you have to stay hydrated, obviously. Yeah. You know, I think the most important thing is, you've got to get out of there, really. What about food, though? What does Tom Green eat lost in the desert? Well, I would definitely try to eat some lizards, some snakes.
Starting point is 00:18:47 I'd look for anything, really, that I could eat. What about a coyote? I don't know how I would catch a coyote. Do I have a gun? I don't know. You don't have nothing, but I think if you're hungry enough, I picture you running down a coyote easily. I would try.
Starting point is 00:19:02 I think easily if you got hungry enough. I don't know if I would be able to catch a coyote. I would try. I mean, I have a little bit of experience in this area. Uh-oh. What? And this is the reason why I know it's probably a lot more daunting of a task than, you know, than, you know, if I hadn't been lost in the wilderness before.
Starting point is 00:19:22 When I was in my 20s, I drove up to northern Canada, which is very much your nap of the woods, I know. I probably told you this story. I drove up to just north of coffee. Cochran, Ontario. I drove up to a place called Smooth Rock Falls. Cochran. Cochran. Smooth Rock Falls. And I walked into the woods with my friend with a 22-caliber rifle and no food. And I tried to see how long I could survive in the woods. And I got lost. I was lost for about five days. And even with a rifle, even in the lush Canadian wilderness with the streams and rivers and fishing and all this stuff, I basically starved for four. five days we were eating grass by the end of it we didn't see we didn't see one we were grazing literally
Starting point is 00:20:10 so i don't know i don't think it's probably i don't think you know i think the end of the day if you're lost in the desert my honest answer i don't know if it's survivable unless you can figure out a way to get out of there pretty quick it's pretty you know yeah i don't know how long you can live off of lizards and cactus juice yeah interesting okay well we i thought i'd ask because you know but you saw that movie into the wild Did you see that movie? Yeah, that's what I thought of when you told me you walked into the wilderness. Yeah, very much like that.
Starting point is 00:20:38 And the guy at the end dies because he eats the wrong berries. He gets stranded out there and eats some berries. He gets bare berries or something like that. He gets poisoned and dies, so you've got to be careful. But that kid was a bit of a goof, wasn't he? He was a bit of a goof, yeah. He seemed like a bit of a snob. Yeah, he was a...
Starting point is 00:20:55 His whole trip into nature didn't seem so much about communing with nature. It felt a little more pretentious, like he was trying to thumb his nose, Moses as parents and kind of give society the middle finger as opposed to, ooh, I love antelope. Yeah, yeah, I thought that movie was a bit flawed for that reason. So in a way, nature came right back around and said, up yours, Billy. Yeah, maybe that's the point, you know. If you're a rich, pretentious prick, don't walk into the woods. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:25 Well, let's transport ourselves to another world right now. And I want to see if you'll go with me. Do you ever watch SpongeBob Square Pants? You know, I've never seen it. Well, he's a little sponge. I know what it is. I know what it is. I've seen clips, but I haven't actually ever watched it.
Starting point is 00:21:43 And he wears these brown shorts or pants or whatever they are. Well, you know, how would you feel about me and you going on a little safari, a little adventure into SpongeBob's square pants? Oh, okay, sure, yeah. Just me and you. Having not seen the show, it'll probably make it even more of an adventure. Well, yeah, I mean, I don't know if anyone's ever gone into his trousers. Oh, we're going to actually sort of, in a, as you said, the theater of the mind, we're going to crawl into the trousers. We're going right into his pants of SpongeBob's pants.
Starting point is 00:22:14 And look around and see what we see. Does he have genitalia? I don't know. Let's go in. You're ready to go? I kind of would rather know before we decide to go in because he does. I don't think anybody's been in. I'm not sure if I want to go in the pants if there's genitalia in there.
Starting point is 00:22:28 Well, there's only one way to find out, Tom. Wouldn't we be squeezed right up against the genitalia? We might. Let's get in there. And see what happens. Here we go. We're going in, Tom. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, before we go in, before we go, is he male or is he female? I don't know. He's got that high, squeaky voice. But Bob backwards is Bob, so that could be a girl's name. I want to squeeze our faces up against his spongy balls. Look, life's an adventure. Okay. All right, let's go. Ready? All right. Here we go. I'm going in, I'm following you.
Starting point is 00:22:58 Okay. Let me just pull this. Here are you. You tell me what you see, and I'll come in right behind you. pulling his belt open and come on down give me your hand Tom yeah okay I'm coming okay okay oh my hand wow holy god look at this actually more spacious than I was expecting I thought we could solve caverns yeah listen to our voice hello oh wait a minute I think we're inside his ass oh my god do we take oh my god I think it's like a wrong term okay sorry that's my bad I was leading hang on let's crawl out of here Oh, spongy in here. Look at this now.
Starting point is 00:23:36 It smells like, is that seaweed or? Yeah. No, that's, those are actually the guys that have actually drive the boat with semen. Oh, is that the smell of semen? Oh, good. He seems a little young to have semen. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:55 Yeah, this is nice though. This is good in here. I think it's a guy. Are these this spongy? This is spongy ass cheeks here? Yeah, I think they are. Grab and take a little squeeze. Ooh, listen to that.
Starting point is 00:24:09 Ooh, they're squishing. Wait, what are you doing? What are you doing? I'm squeezing his ass. You're actually squeezing? Yeah, listen. Yeah. I think you should do that out.
Starting point is 00:24:21 We might wake up. We don't want to wake up a sleeping giant here. Well, you know, even if we do, how's you gonna hurt if he's a sponge? Right. You know, ooh, he punched me in the face. in the face. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:32 I think. Yeah. You know. Oh, look it over there, hanging between his legs. Are those sea urchins? Oh, you're making me jealous here. Oh, wait a minute. I got to grab one of those.
Starting point is 00:24:43 Those is sponge butt nuts? Those are sponge nuts, absolutely. Oh, I got grabbed his ass. You grab a sponge nut. I can't wait to hear what these sound like. I don't know. Well, I don't really know if I want to grab a sponge nut. Well, I grabbed this sponge butt.
Starting point is 00:24:59 I mean, fair is fair play. Okay, all this is tapping. I'm just gonna, oh, my God. Okay, everybody, I'm gonna explain you what I'm doing right now. Yeah. I'm inside, SpongeBob, some square cats. Yeah. There is really quite a bit of movement here.
Starting point is 00:25:16 Yeah. Harland has just fondled his cheeks. Sponge butt. Yeah. Now I am tickling his sponge nuts. Ouch. It's nice, it's nice here. It's nice to hear, I'd actually, to be honest, if you want to be honest with you.
Starting point is 00:25:32 No. I'm ready to get out here. But if you want to continue exploring this mind, but it kind of stinks. It does stink. It smells like a bad seafood restaurant, a shrimp boat. What is that stench? Like day old sushi. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:25:49 You know what you bring sushi home? Yeah. You order to a sushi, you bring it home. And you put it in the fridge, and then see you pull it out, and you just look at it and throw it out. Well, why don't we do this? Do this, at the sushi restaurants that give you that green stuff, the wasabi, I got some, why don't we slather some on his sponge nuts and, you know, kind of be like Fabrizia if you can't. Here, take some of this, uh...
Starting point is 00:26:11 Parliament, what? What? I didn't mean to ask you this. Yeah. I've never worked on courage, but... Yeah. You're not gay, are you? No.
Starting point is 00:26:20 I don't know. Big picture. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I don't want to slather a wasabi on these things. Well, I don't think it's... gay if you do it. I hear just standing right he signs up let alone, but I don't want to
Starting point is 00:26:34 sort it. Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Yeah, here. Slavent is doing it. I'm doing it. It's giggling. He's giggling. You hear him giggling? I hear him up there. Oh, what is there on there? Yeah, I will.
Starting point is 00:26:51 Okay. I mean, you know, I can't believe that you got me to do this on your podcast. I know. Well, it's an I can't believe that you actually got me. Yeah. Come out with the closet, essentially. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:05 And start slavering some sponge nuts. Although being a cartoon character, it doesn't make us gay. No. It doesn't make us gay. Not at all. See, that's the beauty of it. We are actually able to sort of explore our... Gayness.
Starting point is 00:27:22 It is totally being gay. Yeah, you can't be gay with a sponge. Right. It's like if you were to blow G.I. Joe, that wouldn't make you gay, right? Because he's a cartoon character. Right, exactly. Now, if you did it in the live action, movie, you'd be gay. Or if you just did it to a guy named Joe, you're gay.
Starting point is 00:27:43 But to do it to any type of a toy or cartoon character, it's great. Yeah. This is cool. So we go around with the other side? Let's go around to the other side, and oh, my God, that looks like a jumbo shrimp hanging there. Oh my god Look at that thing I think we gotta get to say here
Starting point is 00:28:04 this is getting pretty weird Alright let's get out Let's go out here Grab my hand Wow Holy who can I take a breath Yeah I just want to know why you brought me down there in the first place
Starting point is 00:28:21 Harland I don't know I don't look it's not a gay thing Is that you always do that to people on your podcast? I'll tell you what I'll tell you what I never want to go there again. No offense. No. Look, next time I have a guest on, and it could be you,
Starting point is 00:28:33 I want to go on an adventure up Barbie's skirt. Can we do that one now? Well, we, no, next time. Why didn't you take me up Barbie's skirt? That's what I want to do. Okay, well, next time we will. But, you know, we can only fit in so many adventures in a podcast, my friend. All right.
Starting point is 00:28:50 And it wasn't a gay thing. It's just, it's all about adventure. Take, you know, maybe you want to take, like, your female guests into Spunge, You're right. You're right. That's probably my bad. Maybe you want to fondle his nuts with wasabi with, you know, bring Jennifer Love Hewitt down in there or something like that. Yeah, I might have blown it here.
Starting point is 00:29:08 Well, next time me and you... I want to go into Barbie's skirt next time. We will. You have my word on that, my friend. You might have blown it, all right. We were eating that shrimp down there. It looked like you might have blown it. Hey, I didn't eat the shrimp. I saw a jumbo shrimp.
Starting point is 00:29:23 Oh, what? I'm not allowed to tell everybody what actually happened. I know it is radio, theater of the mind. but it looked like Harland, when I, as soon as I went around the corner, it looked like he was eating the jumbo shrimp. I got hungry, okay? All that crawling around, the salt water, when I squeezed his butt, I got a little hungry and I took a nibble. Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:41 Okay. There's a difference between biting a jumbo shrimp and doing other things to it. Yeah, no, you were, you were chowing down on it. It was just a bite. When you consume something, it's a lot different than pleasuring something. Yeah. So let's just make the record straight. Yeah, the record is straight, and wow, what a show, what a show, what a, what a revealing show
Starting point is 00:30:05 inside the brain of Tom Green, the king of Greenland, soon to be, a wanderer in the wilderness, an adventurer took a bold step with me into the nether regions of SpongeBob Square Pants. pants and just a pleasure to have you here tom thank you so much for cruising down the harland highway today with me and all my wonderful listeners thanks tom thank you harland check out tom green dot com this is harland williams you've been listening to the harland highway and until next time chicken chow main baby hey come on in buddy the garbage is fine Oh, and just a little add-on, folks, before I let you go, if you are in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area, this weekend, okay, starting tomorrow, January 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th.
Starting point is 00:31:15 That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Yours truly will be at the Pittsburgh Improv doing stand-up comedy all weekend. And we're going to throw in some sketch comedy, too. So you'll get the stand-up show. And then at the end of the show, we're going to do a little bit of the who's line is it anyway type of stuff. And it's just going to be a blast. So go to my website, harlunewilums.com, look at my comedy schedule, and you can order your tickets online, or there's a phone number there. You can call the club.
Starting point is 00:31:53 Reserve your seats. It's going to be packed. but that is January 7th, 9th, 9th, the Pittsburgh Improv. I hope I see you there. I'll be at the back of the room doing a meet and greet, signing autographs, taking pictures. You can buy my CDs, my DVDs, anything you want. Stop by and say hello.
Starting point is 00:32:15 And I hope I see you there because you got to laugh, baby. All right, that's it. Chicken chow, Maine. Thank you.

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