The Harland Highway - Podcast 57

Episode Date: January 8, 2010

Voice mails, liposuction, Freddy Kruger, global warming, my gardener Senior Fuentes, and of course a Friday visit with my shrink, Dr. Ascot. Slithering swamp sauce!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show, what a show. Oh, yes, what a show we have for you today. Welcome to the Harland Highway. So happy, happy, happy you have joined along for the ride. What a show is crazy. We're going to be talking about liposuction, okay? I might even get some liposuction here live on the podcast today. So you've got to hang around for that. We're going to be talking about movie monsters. I have a real complaint about a very famous movie monster. And I think you're going to agree with me once you hear it. Okay?

We're going to be taking some of your voicemail today. My gardener, my gardener senior Fuentes is coming by. He always annoys me. I don't know why I haven't fired him yet, but he's going to be here. We're going to be touching on a pretty serious topic here. It's not all fun in games and buffoonery on the Harland Highway. We're going to be talking about global warming, okay,

and talking about some of the naysayers that don't see the warning signs that come in their way, okay? They're kind of like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz when she didn't make it into the tour. tornado shelter. Some of these guys are going to be just happy to be standing out as the eye of the storm approaches. And in the meantime, thwart everyone else's attempts to try and make it to safety.

So that's a pretty heavy topic. And then lastly, yes, it's Friday. Yours truly has to go under his mandatory therapy session with Dr. Ascot, who's a pain in the But if I don't do it, my producers are kicking me off the air. So there you go. Action pack show. I've talked long enough. I'm starting to get Harland Highway warming.

Let's do it. Are you ready to do it? God, I'm ready to do it. Everybody put on your seat belts. We're going to do it right now. Let's go. You're getting on the Harlan Highway. Hello?

Hello? Oh, this is so exciting. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. To the Harlan Highway. It sucks you in. You make us feel important. You are important. My name is Suki Tina, and I'm going to kill you.

Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Why is he coming in here? I don't want him in here. Why? He's my gardener. Why on earth would my gardener come in? He's here? Oh, my God.

Hello, Signor. Hello, Senor Fuentes. Senor Fuentes. Yes, I know. I'm working on the pronunciation. Signor Fuente. Okay. What are you doing here?

I'm in the studio. I'm recording a show. Why my gardener comes here? I don't know. I just wanted to tell you, Signor, that I did the job you asked me to do. Okay, great. Thank you. I'll send you a paycheck.

I trimmed your girlfriend's bush. Oh, you did what? I trimmed your girlfriend's bush, just like you asked me to. Okay, don't say that. What, did I trim your girlfriend's bush? Yes, please, don't say that on the air. We're live, we're in the studio. Well, I did. I trimmed all around your girlfriend's bush.

Okay. It was a mess, signor. All right. Look, just for to clarify this here, I, a couple of birthdays ago, I bought my girlfriend a rose bush for her birthday. Well, you can call it a rose bush, but it sure don't smell like no rose bush.

All right, stop it. I'm just telling you, Signor, I mean, it's, it's a, that thing is tangled. It's a real mess, senor. Okay, thank you. It doesn't smell like a rose. Okay, what are you talking about? Well, I guess down by the bottom of her bush, there's some root rot.

Okay. Are you done? Well, I just wanted to let you know what a tangled mess her bush was. What are you talking about? There were aphids on it, man. Aphids? Yeah, tons of little aphids crawling all over her bush. Okay.

And it really smelled from the root rot. All right! And there was a bird nest in it, man. A bird nest in your girlfriend's bush. All right! Wow, are you trying to, like, turn me off of my girlfriend for good? All I'm saying, sir, is it your girlfriend as a tangled, smelly, insect-infested bush, and stop it! Get out of here!

Go home and cut some grass or something. Well, I can go back and do some more work on your girlfriend's bush if you're not going to be home, senor... No, you're not touching my girlfriend's bush. You're not... Get out. Okay, signor. What should I do next? I don't know.

Go blow something. Excuse me? Go take your leaf blower and go blow something. Well, that would be extra, senor. Oh, get out. Signor, Fuente. I know who you are. Get out.

Fenta. Out! Don't let that idiot back in here again. I got to get a new garden. man guys trimming my girlfriend's bush and there's root rod and aphids and a bird nest senor baby bluebirds were in their nest they were chirping i fed them warm get out they go chirp trip trip churp churp senor chup chup chup get out i don't want them back in here roger unbelievable i got to take a break now i got to phone my girlfriend

make sure Bush is all right her make sure she's all right oh god the meanwhile take take a listen to this hey citizens of planet earth it's harland williams here on your favorite highway the harland highway and are you feeling the love are you feeling the love i'm sending to you as you're driving home as you're sitting in your office as you're throwing lawn darts at your children are you feeling the love well i'm feeling the love man i got a few nice calls from people that listen to the show and i thought i'd share them with you because it's always fun to share the love right so take a listen to this nice call i got hey harland this is kela i love your show you're so crazy and so not normal i love it thanks for

all your, I don't know, just unique stories and perspectives. It keeps my day bright and not boring. So thanks so much. Keep it up. I love you. Bye. Ah, see? Isn't that nice?

Thank you for that nice call. God, when I hear messages like that, I get all mushy inside. Makes me wonder where hiccups come from. Hey, Holland. I know where hiccups come from. Tummyville. Hello. Okay, Tommyville. Right, dude. You know what else comes from Tommyville? B-S.

Hey, let's keep the love coming. Who else we got out there? This is a love fest, people. Hello. Hey, Arlen. Welcome. We love your show. Listen to it every day on the drive home. I love the work you're doing. Can't wait to listen to you every day. Thanks. Oh, the love just keeps on coming. It's bordering on stockerish. I mean, you know, you love something too much, and you get a little, like, love psycho, right? Hey, Arland, I got to tell you, I have a huge crush on you. I find myself sitting through ridiculous car dealership commercials

just in hope that I might catch a little snippet, just a little bit of you. That's all. You rock. Bye. Uh, did, did I say stalkerish? Uh, but no. It's not possible, is it? Somebody stalking me? Hey, Arland. I just called a few minutes ago to inform you of the big crush that I have on you. And I forgot to mention why. And here's why. Because any old, dumbass, stupido fool can make people laugh by being racist and sexist and making fart jokes and, you know, talking about boobs and making

fun of other people. And that's the beauty of you, Harland, is you have a heart of gold and you never make fun of people. You never get laughed at anyone's expense, except your own. It's hot. Okay. Bye. Okay.

I'm not stalker. Just a really nice lady. Spreading the love. Look at that. I'm loved. I must be doing something right, right? Hey, how about you play something good, he jackass, like some pink's wood? Jesus Christ.

And then there's the law of physics. For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Great. Jackass. God, I love that guy. He thinks that I play music on the podcast. How informed was that guy? wow complainer he's like he wants to complain about me so bad that he's fantasizing that

music should be played on the show he he tuned into my podcast for some pink floyd and got me i can see where he's disappointed um but speaking of complaining man i got a complaint okay i got a i got a celebrity complaint and i think you'll probably go along with me on this one. There's two guys that are kind of iconic, famous movie theater monsters,

slasher, horror guys. I'm talking about Jason from Friday the 13th, right, the guy with the goalie mask, and then Freddie Kruger, the guy you know, with the big claws on

his fingers on the rugby sweater. What's with the sports theme, man? What's what's with Jason the 13th is somehow into the hockey scene? And Freddie Krueger's somehow got himself into the rugby scene. I mean, good Lord. What the hell's next? The freaks from Hellraiser are like playing lacrosse on a Sunday afternoon? Over here.

No, over here. The other person over here. I'm going to eat your lungs. But that's not my complaint. They can be in all the sports they want. My complaint is friggin' Freddy Kruger. Okay. Freddy Nutzack Kruger.

Okay, have you noticed that guy? He's got ball meat on his face. I don't know how else to describe it. Now, have you noticed Freddie Kruger? has testicle meat all over his face, surrounding his eyes and his mouth. He's got nut sack flesh. He's got wrinkled, bumpy nut meat around his face,

where there should be a complexion, a normal human complexion. He's got wrinkled ball sack meat for a face. Okay? I don't know how he got it. I don't know why it's there. I'm scared that, you know, there's going to be hair growing out of it. He's just really, you know, if he takes that hat off, he's bald, right?

He's pretty much got like a ball for a head if you think about it. All right? You want to know how you defeat Freddie Kruger in your sleep? You get a nutcracker and put his head in it and squish his nuts. nut. But that's just the first half of my complaint, okay? I don't want to look at a guy with ball sack meat for a face. So here's my quandary. Why is it that Jason from Friday the 13th wears a goalie mask?

When underneath his goalie mask, he's just kind of mutilated and deformed. It looks like Sloth's twin brother from Goonies, right? it probably is sloth I mean how much work can sloth get in the movie industry looking like sloth from Goonies he's like he's a big goofy guy he's got a demented face

he can't really talk he's like I want some fudge so where do you go from being sloth on Goonies well you probably have the physical attributes and the persona

of Jason from Friday the 13th. So it's probably the friggin' gouny sloth under that mask. But my point is, take the goalie mask off of Jason and for God's sakes, cover up Freddy's face, his ball meat riddled face, okay? That was that. It just makes sense to me. In fact, people actually like the sloth from Gooney.

So imagine you're at Camp Crystal, you're a teenager, you're smoking dope, and you hear a floorboard creek, and you turn around, and it's the towering, hulking, ever-lovable sloth. He looks at you, and he's like, oh, and you're like, oh, my God, sloth, you're so cute. and then suddenly he pulls out a machete and slashes your head off. I don't know. There'd be something kind of horrific about a lovable old goonie sloth committing all these grisly murders. But what I'm really complaining about, let me get back to it, is somebody cover up Kruger's nutball sack meat,

wrinkled tea bag of a face. Jason, if you ever get together for a picnic with your buddy Freddie, because I know you guys probably only have each other, who else would hang around with you, but each other. Next time you guys are having a picnic or going out to a bar for some drinks or whatever you're doing, man, you're going on a road trip together. For God's sakes, Freddie or Jason, give your goalie mask to Freddie and cover up that nasty, rancid, skanky, ballmeat face.

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Don't throw your back out. and if you ever meet Freddy Krueger in a dark alley and he's coming after you, just kick him in the balls, i.e. his face, and that should knock him out of commission for a while. Thank you. I rest my complaint. Good riddins, ball face. You know what?

I was looking through the internet, and, you know, we live in a cosmetic surgery crazed world. uh nobody wants to diet nobody wants to exercise everyone just wants to get everything cut off and stapled and liposuctioned so i did a little research lycosuction ain't cheap okay that's like five to ten grand and uh you know what i saw a little video of it it doesn't look that hard okay i'm gonna try it here today i got a vacuum cleaner here and i got that little you know the little skinny attachment you stick on the end you know you get the hose and you get that real thin little uh attachment the thing you go into the corners with

pretty similar to what they do liposuction with so here we go let's fire up the hoover and i'm going to give myself some free lipo man yeah talk about uh knowing how to economize here we go let's flick it on okay here we go got it on my stomach here whoa whoa whoa whoa oh my belly button oh there goes my belly button ring oh oh okay oh down in the pelvis area whoa whoa whoa up up pop pop up up up okay okay I'm back up on my chest oh whoa whoa easy baby baby baby baby baby get the milk get the minute get off of there get off it Okay, it's not my throat I got it on my throat Sucking on my throat Oh my God, I can barely breathe

Hang on I go out, I got it on my cheek Now it's right on my cheek Not that I have fat cheeks But you might as well get everything Well I'm here It's up my nose I got it up my nose right now I'm lipostectioning my nose everybody

Oh my god This actually feels good It's better than Kleenex Oh my my forehead on my forehead okay okay I got a big red welt on my boy let's go down to the butt let's go down to the oh there we go oh it ever hurts to get a little bit of that butt fat over there down the lower leg down the lower leg and right onto my feet oh ha ha ha ha ha oh that tickles it's it shut it out shut it out

Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, man. Look at me. Let's get the full-sized mirror out here. Okay, I am covered in welts. I'm no thinner, and I'm covered in welds, people. Big red suction marks.

It's like I was hacking my way through the Amazon and leeches uh affix themselves to my body this is disgusting how much is it was the real lipos at five seven grand

yeah let's do that next time don't don't use the Hoover people save that for your carpet I'm not even an ounce thinner yeah sucking

and are we sucking the life out of this planet are us human beans beans are us human beans imagine we're all shaped like beans and just walked around hey man what's up man oh sorry i'm a bean man sorry me too sorry man sorry i'm a bean too just be fart city man but are our us human beings suctioning the life out of our planet. And I don't know if you heard recently in the news, in the not too distant past, there was this whole climate gate thing they're calling it.

Okay, some emails were leaked from some British scientists, right? Some bloody British scientists that, you know, they had all these comments that they were in. inflating the numbers for the toxins in the air, and they were manipulating the data, and they were creating inaccuracies on purpose, on all the global warming stuff, and all the climate change,

and all the damage that humans are causing to the environment, and blah, blah, blah. Okay, so these British scientists somehow accidentally let these emails leak. Okay. And I've got to say I'm very suspicious, okay? Let's start at the root here, okay? There are a lot of entities, a lot of people, a lot of companies, a lot of profiteers on our planet that it does them no service to have the fear of global warming put in society, okay? They don't necessarily want to be green. They don't necessarily want to cut emissions. They don't necessarily want to change what they do because it cuts into their bottom line, okay?

It cuts into their profit margin. And after all, isn't that what life's all about, the profits? So my suspicion is that some of these big corporate powers, these industries, possibly set this whole thing, up so that these stupid emails were leaked and they purposely got into the hands of the press who can't wait to run around and do their little look what I found look what I found I've got the latest news scoop it just seems all a little too convenient I mean if you're a scientist and you're working on global warming do you really sit down one day and you're a scientist

I'm assuming you're a brilliant, smart, individual, educated. Do you really sit down one night in the middle of all your research and write something like, Well, I hope they never find out that these numbers are all inflated and that we've manipulated the data. And, you know, it would be crazy if they ever caught on to the little scam we're pulling. I don't know.

I just can't picture one of these guys sitting down and writing this stuff. because on the surface it's not that kind of thing I just don't picture scientists playing the let's trick everybody game it's a giant global trick you know it's like astronomers saying guess what there's really not any other planets out there but we've been kind of pulling the wool over everybody's eyes for all these years there's nothing out there man

even the stars are fake we've just been having the biggest gag on people I just can't picture them doing it. So my suspicion is that this came from someone, someone who was trying to sprinkle the seeds of doubt into society, who, by the way, happened to be going green and subscribing to the whole notion of global warming and maybe realizing that we've over-contaminated our sacred planet, okay?

So it reeks to me of some kind of setup or some kind of plan. Now, that's the first half of my case. Okay. Now, here's the second half. What if these scientists really did do this? It was all legit, okay? It wasn't a big plan by the corporate government, the corporations. the corporate government, the corporate world, and the powers that be in that world.

It wasn't a secret plan by them, but let's say it was real. Let's say these guys really found that the numbers were fudged and that they miscalculated and they made some mistakes and maybe things aren't going to happen as quickly as they are supposed to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, let me tell you this, okay? I don't need to go to a science class. I don't need to go to Harvard. I don't need to be a scientist.

I don't need to be anything to know that where there's people, there's destruction. Where there's people, where there's any living matter, there's pollution. Okay? There are over 6 billion of us on this fragile planet. And for you or anybody to think that we haven't done serious damage to our ecosystem, to think that we're not still doing serious damage to the ecosystem, to think that what we're doing today isn't going to have repercussions in the future, you've got to be a moron.

You've got to be a bumbling idiot living in a naive world. where you don't understand how things work. You want to understand, I'll tell you what, go out and buy a fish tank, okay? Fill it up with crystal clear mountain water, buy some wonderful, colorful, tropical fish, and put some brightly colored gravel and some plants in there and some snails,

and just sit and look at that beautiful fish tank. For hours on end, as the fish move around in their watery, underwater world, gliding through liquid heaven, the light refracting off the water and the pure little crystal clear bubbles bubbling up from the bottom of the tank. Okay?

And then go on vacation for four months and come back and have a look at your green, slimy, yeast infection, the blob. Hazmat Zone fish tank. Okay? It's what happens when the fish overpopulate. They have babies. They lay their doo-doo everywhere.

Bacteria grows. That thing will be covered in green slime and dirt and brown and blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm talking about. Well, guess what? Planet Earth is like any other contained environment. It gets dirty, plaque builds up, residue sticks, everything, okay? You can't just think that we can dump all the toxins into this planet and they're just miraculously floating away. Oh, they float up in the space.

Sure, some of them do. But you know what? I'm going to bet on the side of all the other side. scientists and all the other experts and all the other people with common sense that aren't leaking funny little emails, what were they one or two from two scientists? I'm going to discount those two or three idiots, and I'm going to bet on the side of all the other experts all over the world that haven't written emails like that. Okay?

People that say, we're headed for a catastrophe. We're headed for a doomsday We're heading for disaster And I'm not trying to bring you down But it's just like humans, man It's just like humans to look for an out To look for an excuse To look for a way not to deal

Oh, you know what? The British guys said that we're going to be okay That all this pollution And the 6 billion motor vehicles And the melting ice caps that we can physically see right before our eyes, it's all a big goof. Well, if the British scientists say it's what happened,

well, then I've got to believe them because they're bloody British, right? I mean, the British know more than we do. I mean, if they say nothing's melting and nothing's getting dirty, well, I've got to believe them. Let's go have a cup of tea, eh? First of all, the Brits live in England,

where it's always overcast and foggy and grimy and dirty. I hope you Brits don't get upset, but I'm making a point here. Maybe they don't believe in global warming because they've never seen the sun. They're just used to cold, damp conditions in their lives. But I think you get my point here, people, that it's illogical to think we're not doing damage to our planet. it would be illogical to not address it here and now as we see things changing, we feel things changing, so there's a snowstorm, so it still gets cold.

Yeah, the planet isn't dead yet. It's not like it just went, it's incremental. And these increments are very small and very tiny, but just like a fish tank, it will get dirtier and dirtier and dirtier. And before you know what, the fish are belly op. floating at the top of the tank in their green slime soup. And for people to think that if we don't take precautions now that we won't go the way of a fish tank,

and I'm not saying tomorrow, but maybe 30 years from now, which I still think is too soon, but can you imagine 400 years from now, 500 years from now? We don't have to worry about that, man. We'll be dead. Yeah, well, maybe not. Science is doing some incredible things where humans are going to be living a lot longer. You just might see yourself living to be 200, and I'm not even joking.

But no one's going to live if we don't watch it. So in closing, I say ignore the pithy little emails from a couple of British scientists that maybe leaked some data where the numbers were inflated. Who cares? To discredit the whole global warming phenomena based on a couple of stupid little emails is foolhardy. Okay? If those people think that global warming is just a trend, I'm going to quote a guy that I read in a magazine once.

I forget his name, but I thought it was the most brilliant quote. And I'm going to use it to illustrate the point and end. this little topic here because I realize I'm going on about it, but I'm fired up. Daddy's fired up. Here's what this guy said. He said, if global warming is a trend, then it's the final trend. If global warming is a fad, it's the final fad. So think about it, folks. I would ban. I would on sitting things right now instead of banking on some naysayers that

are like, oh, the meteor's not coming. Oh, there's no end of the world. The fires will never happen. The floods can't happen, not to us. Yeah, they will. Yeah, they will. So think about it. And speaking of thinking about it,

Oh, God, it's Friday. And my producers make me see this therapist on Fridays, Dr. Ascott, because they think I have a nut loose. And so every Friday, I got to sit in with him and do my therapy for the Harland Highway. So here we go. Let's get it over with my therapy session with Dr. Ascott. And so here I am. Hello, Dr. Ascot.

Hello, Holland. What are we doing today? Arland, today we are going to do something that I haven't done for a very long time. Oh, yeah, what's that? You're not going to be annoying today? Holland. Well, come on, you annoy me, you annoy my listener. Holland.

See what I mean? Just your voice. Holland. What are we doing that you haven't done for a long time? Arlen, today we will do some electric shock therapy. What? You heard me, Arlund. Electric shock therapy? That's not legal.

Yes, it is, Arland. You'd be surprised. You've got to be kidding me, man. Arland, I want you to hold these two wires very closely, one in each hand. No, I'm not holding wires. What's the matter with you? Arlen, hold the wires, and they will help clear your mind. mind of anything negative. No. Holland.

I'm not holding wires. Just for a second, you have to trust me if I'm going to be your therapist, Holland. Oh, God. Give me the wires. You better not do anything. Ah! How did that feel, Holland? What the hell did you just do?

Holland, I had to shock all the negativity out of you, Holland. Are you freaking mad that hit... Ah! What did you do? Stop pressing that button! You mean this button, Holland? Yes! Ha!

Ha! Ah! Ha! Had the negativity gone away at Holland? No, but you're going away. Get out of here! Oh my god! My fingers are burned.

I trusted you, Ascot. That was a big mistake, Holland. What are you talking about? It was a test, Holland. Now you will know not to trust people so easily, Holland. Oh, get out of here. Smells like burnt hair in here. Holland, I just farted.

Oh, get out of here, Ascot. Have a good Friday, everybody. I had to give you one last one, Arland. Get out of here! Harland Williams. Oh, my God, he's insane. The guy is crackers. God, I hate Fridays.

I mean, I love Fridays, but I hate that part of Fridays, man. Burnt fingers and my eyebrows are singed. Aswad. I mean, askot. Well, that's our show for today, folks. I hope you had a groovy time. A little bit of silliness, a little bit of satire, a little bit of suspended disbelief by people that don't want to acknowledge that humans are dirtying up the planet. Just think about it is all I'm asking.

Use your common sense or just go hire a cleaning lady. Whatever you want to do. Until next time, my friends, keep it clean and do your best. to do your part so that we may all live to be 200 years old in the future. And until then, my friends, as always, chicken chow main, baby.