The Harland Highway - Podcast 58

Episode Date: January 11, 2010

Today I talk about ponytails, Credit card swipers, Whole Foods, and my buddy Dane Cook drops in. And lastly a haunting song sung by me about suicide...hmmmm strange ending to today's show indeed!!! Fun frolicks five! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy, oh boy, welcome to the Harland Highway. When I say, oh, boy, oh, boy, I'm not calling for Tarzan's kid who he named Boy. I'm not like, oh, boy, oh, boy. No, I mean, oh, boy. And I'm going to tell you right up front, this could be the weirdest Harland Highway yet. This is a Harlan Highway that even got me off guard. Okay, I started it one way, and the way that this show ends is unlike any other episode of the Harlan Highway. It took a weird turn that I didn't really expect.

It's going to take you to a place that you might not expect. It took me to a place that I did not expect. It's not a bad thing. It's all good, but it definitely... This show definitely has a different bend to it. And I'm not going to tell you what it is. If you have the patience to listen through it, you might find it rewarding.

You might find it not rewarding. I don't know. But it was a strong show with some powerful emotions at the end of the show. And I'm just going to leave it right there and not kind of ruin it and see if you're willing to go. go down the emotional road with me that happens at the end of the show but leading up to that

we have some mirth and merriment as usual I'm going to be talking about ponytails you've seen them ponytails yes I'm going to be talking about the credit card swipers this modern revolutionary advance that we have that doesn't really seem to work the credit card swiper talking about Whole Foods

Do you like your junk food or do you like your whole foods? Your healthy foods. And then this is a treat. One of my buddies, I was going to surprise you with this, but one of my buddies from the comedy world, a guy that I did movies with and a ton of stand-up with, a great, excuse me, God, I get choked up just talking about them. I think I just swallowed a moth, like Silence of the Lambs.

There's a moth flew in my mouth. how does it taste clarees oh it's delicious thank you hannibal now i'm going to eat your legs um but anyways one of my buddies from the movie world the the stand-up world uh dane cook comes in for an interview today um i love dane he's uh he's always funny he's got such great energy um and then lastly you know right after the dane cook interview I'll tell you a little bit. I thought we were going to do more with Dane, but then I got on this topic that was a little emotional to me,

and it went down, the show takes a different turn, and then there's a song that I do. That's as much as I'll tell you about the surprise, kind of weird ending. I actually sing a song towards the end of the show, and it certainly took me to an interesting place. I hope you like it. I hope you are willing to go along

for this strange version of the Harland Highway, but nonetheless, I love it. It's what life's all about. So you're ready to do it. You're ready to go into this strange show with me. You're ready to swallow a moth for me? I am, Clarese. Shut up, Hannibal.

All right, let's do it. Let's get our moth on. Let's get our seatbelts on. Put the pedal of the metal. You ready, everybody? Come on. Here we go. It's the Harland Highway.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Wow, that is quite a ponytail you have there. My goodness, how long did it take you to grow that? long hanging braided gray ponytail sir yeah that's right i'm talking about dudes with the ponytails okay um and i'm specifically talking about the dudes with the ponytail that are turning gray and you're just a little too old to be having a ponytail dude, okay? It's, uh, we're in the 21st century, okay? You're not a swash buckler. You're not a hippie. You're not in the fashion industry. Um, you're just a dude who's a lawyer or you work,

in a cubicle or you work on the subway, there is no room for you to have a ponytail. And I'm like, yeah, okay, who am I to infringe on your personal taste? Well, it's me, Harland Williams, and it's like those stupid Verizon commercials. You know that pervert creep with the glasses and the windbreaker, and he's always standing there and he's got 900 people behind them? Yeah, well, it's me and everyone else in society standing behind me And we're all going to lose the ponytail over the hill nerd Yeah, it just it's a judgment call

I'm sorry to be judgmental, okay But you got to lose those graying ponytails And especially if you work in a job where you wear a suit Good Lord, I've seen lawyers, I've seen, I saw a lawyer on the the news in a dark blue pinstripe suit his hair pulled back and a ponytail and right away i was like i want to sue that lawyer i want that lawyer sued for being out of touch for looking like a goofball and i want him disbarred i want them de-ponytailed what kind of lawyer has a ponytail you know you're in your mid-40s, you're in the legal industry.

I mean, what are you doing on the weekends, dude? You go into, like, Renaissance fairs or something? Like, during the week, you're defending murderers and criminals. And come Friday at quitting time, thou turnest into a knight of the Fourth Legion, and play knights of the round table all weekend at the Renaissance fair. I doth saith, my liege! good lord you can tell me to lose whatever you want okay fine i can take an insult but i'm telling you lose the ponytails dudes unreal and the braids and the braids

looks like a cinnamon loaf hanging on the back of your head right looks like a horse's tail all braid it up. So yeah, you look like a horse's ass, is what I'm saying. When you're walking in front of me, your little tails wiggling back and forth. I stand back about four or five feet, just in case you buck up.

Get away from my pony tail. I was just measuring it to see how long it is. Well, doubt can't touch. just myeth, poniesth, taileth. Okay. Anyways, enough about that.

I got a bigger beef I want to deal with. Forget ponytails. Let's go out of like the old hippie days and let's bring it up to right now. Okay? Boy, I'm just full of complaints already today on today's show. Listen to me. But when was the last time you swiped your credit card at a grocery store or at a department store or anywhere where you have to swipe your credit card?

And that little screen comes up and it says signature, right, the little LCD screen. And then there's supposed to be a wire attached to the screen that goes out to some kind of futuristic electronic. pen right with a point on it so you can legibly write your name and then you click okay and the transaction is finalized and completing okay I cannot remember the last time I've been to one of those credit card swipes and found first of all a pen that's attached to the damn wire let alone a pen-shaped object I'm not kidding I got one today. I was at a grocery store.

Someone had a pencil with a bunch of band-aids and not just regular band-aids, like colorful band-aids with little pandas on them or something, wrapped around the front to make it nubby so that it wasn't like the pointy edge of the pencil

dig it into the LCD screen. I mean, the improvisation that goes on at these questions, credit card. I'm not kidding. I think one day someone gave me a branch from a pine tree. Yes, sir, if you could just sign your name right there on the OCD screen. I'm sorry I don't see a pen. Yes, sir, but I have this three-hour pine log, if you wouldn't mind. Oh, okay. Oh, you forgot to dot the eye and cross the T, sir. Thank you.

I mean, unbelievable What is wrong with these things, man? Can they not keep these pens on the wire? Who's stealing it? Some like Harry Potter nerds, like, oh my goodness, look at this magic pen it writes on LCD screens. Oh my goodness, I must snip the wire and take this away. It'll be my first magic wand.

I will run out into the parking lot and turn all the cars into owls. Who-hoo, who-hoo! Hoo-hoo! And can't they replace these things somehow, man? Broken pencils and sticks, and I saw some old guy signing with his cane the other day. They couldn't find some guy had a cane,

and he's just like, and then the other part of this whole deal is, Does it really matter what you write? I'm not kidding. I mean, no one seems to care what you write in there. Sometimes when they give me these improvised sticks to sign my name, they're so bulky and cumbersome. I couldn't write my signature if I tried, man.

So I do the next best thing. I just squiggle whatever a pine tree branch or a birch-bark tree leave will allow me, permit me to sign. I might as well be like You know sometimes at the zoo You see they see them put a paint brush And an elephant's trunk And they're like

Go ahead Tuffy Go ahead and paint the Mona Lisa boy And the elephant's like Whatever Oh yay Tuffy Yeah it looks like someone ran over a cat No it's the Mona Lisa

Look Whatever So it's like there are times when I just I just literally put a squiggle and that passes through I hit approve and there you go I mean it's literally almost

we might as well turn back into pirates again because these things are so useless like excuse me so there's your products would you mind signing the futuristic electronic LCD screen ah yes I will there it is an X Is that your signature, sir?

Yes, that's my signature. Arr! I'm a pirate. Well, you're just like the other 25,000 people that have been through here. Arr! Give me my groceries and shut thy piehole, you scurvy ginger-vited breathed freak. Oh, I didn't think you'd pick up all my scent. Ar! I mean, it really is annoying, man. Someone went to the trouble to create this futuristic wonder and we're just scribbling exes.

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Give us some magic electronic pens. And let's rock and roll, huh? Come on. Yo, yo, yo, yo, where's my grocery shop is that, player? Where's my grocery shop is that, gee? What's up? What's up? What's up?

Yeah, we all go shopping for groceries, don't we? Dropped into Whole Foods. I like the idea of Whole Foods, you know, healthier foods, organic foods. And I get in that mode sometimes. You know what? I'm going to Whole Foods. It's time to start living. I'm going to shop there and knock 30 years of bad health off my life. So you go in and you got the shopping cart and you're like, wow, look at this place.

Look at all the food. Wow! And then you go to pick something up, and you're like, hmm, no sugar, no trans fat, no oils, no, I think I'll keep looking. And you go over and you see the meat, and you're like, hmm, the meat looks good. And it's, oh, it was raised on a farm surrounded by gold fences. The grass was washed and fertilized before it ate it. And the cow was massaged and washed every day. and, oh, that steak's only $750.

Oh, well, at least the cow had a good life. I guess I need to know that before I eat its dead carcass. You're like, maybe a little much. Then you go over to the... I'll get some treats, man. I'll get some ice cream bars, and you head over to your dairy's freezer. You're like, oh, here we go. Chocolate covered ice cream bars.

And you pick it up, and it's halfway to your... basket made with soy milk. Oh, yeah, that's what I want. Soy milk ice cream bars. Is there really ice cream at that point? I guess not. It's like grounded up soy beans, frozen and covered with chocolate to hide the taste of the lousy soy beans.

And it goes on and on and on, and I'm not knocking whole foods. I mean, God bless you. At least they offer an alternative, but I don't know. I always walk out of there a little disappointed. And I'm like, hmm, where's all my crap? Where's all the junk? Where's my cinnamon buns and my donuts and my Captain Crunch? My chips, my bacon.

Where's my sealed blubber and my whale fat? Huh? You know what, Whole Foods? I appreciate the effort. But I'm going to go do my groceries at 7-Eleven. Hello, Pringles. Hello, Coca-Cola. Hello, early grave.

Hello. It's the Harland Highway. Bull Foods. Check them out. If you can survive it. Mm-hmm. Survival, man. That's what it's all about, especially in the Hollywood game, right?

For those of you that think this industry that I'm in and all these entertainers and comedians and actors and singers, if you think it's an easy industry, it's not. And survival is a key word. And speaking of survival, I have a friendly guest. A buddy of mine is dropping by any second here. I'm not going to tell you who it is. You just can have to hang in. But this is a guy that, you know, when you talk about survival, this is a guy I worked with a lot.

I did a movie with them. I've done a ton of stand-up with them. And I kind of saw this guy when he first came to town. And, you know, it was trying to survive. He's a guy that I saw, you know, they'd put on late at night at the clubs. And there was one club in particular, a comedy club that I worked at every weekend. And this young kid kind of came into town. And you could see how to determination in his eyes to do well,

to overcome this industry, to survive. and uh this guy uh is a real talent and um he's a buddy in mine and oh my god oh my god hold on hello who's there hey harland whoa who's that i just thought it'd swing by it's dain cook oh my god ladies and gentlemen dain cook how you doing buddy what's going on brother i like the fact that we're not going to wear shirts during this interview i think you notice you're like kind of like captain kirk right i'll take that sure So does that make me like Spock? You're Sulu.

Oh, you bastard. You sullued me, dog. Those are kick-ass boots. I like those, man. You like those? Yeah, these are pure, these are walrus hide. Those are pretty fancy. You got a little buckle going on the side, like Pirates of the Penzance.

A Pirates of the Caribbean. What is a Penzance? Penzance. Do you remember Pirates of the Penzance? I know, but what is that, is that like an Italian dessert or something? A Penzance? Oh, yeah. You never had a Penzance? What's in it? It's kind of like a creme brulee thing. It's, uh, there's a, well, there's Penzance in it.

Oh, my God. You never had a Penzance plant? No, I've had, no, I've had lemon meringue. There's meringue and penzance. It's interesting because those boots also look similar to, um, wardrobe from Pirates of the Lemon meringue. Took me a long time to get there, didn't it? No, but it was a tasty dessert. Let's put some whipped cream on that. You're the hottest guy in the world. Oh, I can't swear. You're the hot. You're the hot. You're the hot. F-bombing. You're the hottest guy in the world right now.

Let's make up another word that we can say instead of the F word that means the same thing. Bublin world. You're the bubbling-worldest comic in the world right now. Bubble A, man. Bubble you. Bubble rap. So what happened, man? I was doing the stand-up gig, and then Greg Coolidge, our writer-director.

He was a fan of my stand-up. He's like, we should do something someday, which you hear how many times out in L.A. I had a taxi driver last week on the way to the airport. He goes, we should do a movie, man. We should do a movie. I was at a wake, and the priest was like, I got an idea for a pitch. I know now it's not the right time. So Greg and I both went our separate ways.

And I remember as we walked away from each other, we sang, against all odds, Phil Collins. Did someone do that drum thing? I wish that I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me a cry. Oh, my God. What a touching Hollywood moment. moment. We sang that to each other, and we walked off into the night, into the dusk. And then

years later, we got together a year before employee. We met because I had an idea for something, and I pitched it to Greg, and he had great ideas that he added to it, and we went out with it, and we pitched it to, like, everywhere. It's all about asses and seats, you know? Asses and seats. If you can't put asses in seats, or if they're not sure if you can put asses in seats, then they don't want to give you the spot. They want to know that you're to be able to make a buck and retaliation came out and when it went number four in the billboard charts that was my proof that I could put asses in seats because of the number of units and da-da-da sold so retaliation for those who don't know and everybody knows is your

DVD special that came out my second my sophomore CD DVD comedy album yeah came out in 05 and only what the highest selling comedy thing since what Steve Martin yeah yeah I had that album, too, wild and crazy guy. Unbelievable. Before we go on, we're going to take a little break right now, but going back to your stand-up thing. How dare you? Yeah, we're taking a break, buddy. I got to put my shirt back on.

We're going to come back and talk about your stand-up years, and there was a little something we did one night. Oh, yeah. Me and you at the comedy club. Look at us. And I want you to tell us about that. We'll be right back here on the Harlan Highway. Number one comedian in the world.

He's making George Jetson. Sounds right there. You can hear him. It's Dane Cook here on the Harlan Highway. Ah, yes, Dane,

Zachary Cook. And we were, we were chewing the fat a little about the movie we did together. You might have seen it Employee of the Month

with Dane and myself and Andy Dick and Jessica Simpson. A fun little movie. And I think it was Dane's first movie really his first uh it wasn't his first movie you had he had a couple of little scenes in in things along the way but this was his first kind of big movie uh with him in the lead

and people kind of starting to get to know dain's name uh across the country and around the world and it's exciting to to see that you know it was exciting to see a guy like i said go from working the late night shows at the comedy clubs to getting a shot. I kind of went through the same thing myself during my years when I did my movie Rocket Man, where I was the lead and I was the co-lead in other movies like half-baked and down Periscope and things like that. And it's just, it's a fun, exciting time. And it was interesting from my perspective to have kind of been there.

and been that hot guy, that flavor of the month for a little while for a couple of years. And, you know, like with all actors, it all kind of dies down, and then hopefully it comes back up and then goes down. But Dane obviously still very hot and still a strong presence. And, you know, he's got talent. Whether you like him or don't like him, the cream always rises. and Dane delivers the goods. And so that was us talking about, you know,

some of our experiences with Employee the Month and how that movie kind of came together. And on the topic of comedy, this is interesting. I'm going to switch gears for a minute. It's going to go from being light and funny to getting a little bit dark, and then we'll go back to some more conversation with Dane. I love doing this to you, people.

That's what my podcast is all about. It's, I don't like to keep you on a straight line. I like to give you the unexpected. I like to dart in and out of different zones. To me, that's more interesting than just. Today we're going to talk about the plight of the disappearing honeybee in South America, and we're going to dedicate the whole show to why the honey supplies are diminishing in South America. I'll sit back for a whole hour about honey talk.

No, no, no. I like to keep it hopping and moving and keep it unpredictable for you. I find that interesting. I hope you do. But enough about my strategy to lure you to the podcast, comedy is a jovial place, but it can also be a dark place. and one of the the epiphanies that happened to me is when I got into the comedy industry,

I thought I was going to be around the most joyous, joyous, funnest, chuckliest, silly, upbeat people you'd ever meet. Well, there are people like that in comedy, but I guess a lot of comics I found out have a darker side. Now, I consider myself to have a darker side. I consider myself to have a dark side in terms of, I like dark things, like dark comic books, and I like violent movies and horror movies, and, you know, if I get down, I can write dark poetry and, you know, everyone gets to a dark place, but I guess a lot of comics, I don't want to paint every comic with this brush, but a lot of comics have a darkness that, I don't know, maybe stems more from issues and depression. and things like that. And again, not all of them.

Anyone could have that. But I guess I didn't realize when I got into this industry that maybe that's the fuel for some comics. And tragically, very tragically, over the span of my career, I've known or met or rubbed shoulders with numerous comics that have, for whatever reason, not made it. And when I say not made it, I mean not made it through life.

These poor souls maybe were more tortured than the average comedian or person. These were people that maybe had some deep inner demons or some issues they couldn't cope with. These were people that took their own lives. They committed suicide. And, you know, some of them at a... amateur level, some of them at a middle level, some of them at a very high and professional level. I had a neighbor of mine who lives literally four houses down for me in Hollywood, who was one of the most successful comedians in the last 20 years, take his own life.

And he was a guy that I met and knew and talked to, a guy named Richard Jenny. uh who who um had you know numerous um specials and movies and sitcoms and um just obviously some other things that we didn't get to look at and there were other guys young guys when i was working my way up through the ranks in canada there was a few fellas that took their own lives and it always stuck with me it always stuck with me you know it was painful and it was hard and it sad me to know that these guys who really just wanted to come out and bring laughter to people and joy to people were suffering so much on the inside and it inspired me to write a song i don't know how i don't know why it for some reason it moved me and these poor guys that that were hiding these secrets

and took the final step and ended their lives um it inspired me for some reason to write a song called the clown and um this song is about i guess their journey their pain and um i think i initially wrote the song as a bit of a comedy bit for one of the specials, a TV special I did once. But at the same time, even though it was kind of tongue and cheek, I knew that it was still tapping into something that made me upset and sad and I thought it was tragic. And I don't know, maybe this was just my way of dealing with it or my way of expressing it or my way of tipping my hat to these guys that were here. and my adoration for them and my respect for them and my feelings of loss for them.

And I guess in my own comedic dark way, this was how I maybe dealt with their tragic way of passing. It's a song I wrote called The Clown, and the music was done by my cousin, Kevin Hearn, who's in The Bare Naked Ladies, and they, by the way, back me up in this song, playing the drums, the bass, and Steve Page doing some backup vocals and my cousin Kevin doing the guitar. Here it is, to all those guys that lost their lives, the clown. He stands bath in the spotlight

He's been there so many times before His heart It pounds like a drumbeat But he always comes back for more And the crowd They all came to chuckle he makes them laugh until they cry

but for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction and tonight somebody's gonna die because he's a clown he's crying on the inside he's a cloud he's lonely and afraid

he's a clown he's crying on the inside he's a clown with one foot in the grave he's a clown one foot in the grave They all. and they cheered as he ended

his fake smile masking his fake fame he takes a bow and he makes a big exit unaware they'll never see him again back at home the bullets

sit waiting The empty chamber It calls out his name For the trigger A flash An explosion And the cloud Is ending his pain

He's a cloud He's crying on the inside He's a clown He's lonely and afraid He's a clown He's crying On the inside He's a clown

He's a clown He's a clown He's a clown And you'll never laugh at him again. Wow. Okay. Can I keep it real here? That was emotional, especially for me. Just thinking about those guys that, you know, didn't make it. And, you know, it's not just the comedy world. It's kind of applicable to all areas of life, all walks of life, all, career paths whatever we are fragile

us human beings and it's always sad when when it ends in that way you know what first of all I want to say thank you to the bare naked ladies for backing my vocals and also doing some backup vocals in there Steve Page

Tyler on drums Jim on the bass and, of course, my ever-talented cousin, Kevin Hearn with the guitar and some of the backup. Wow. Okay, that was a little more emotional than I thought, hearing it back. And you know what, I'm just going to keep it real. I was going to go back to Dane Cook, and we're going to do some more interview with him. But I think out of respect for those guys and the things. that I've been saying in that song,

I think I should just hang it up right here. I know I usually leave on an upbeat, jovial note, but I don't know. I feel like that song just created a mood right there, and I don't want you to leave depressed. If anything else, I want you to know that these people that didn't make it lived a tortured life, but they wouldn't want me to hang up the show with you feeling down.

They were put on this world to make you laugh. That was what they wanted to do. And so remember these guys for the laughter they brought to you. And anyone who's not with us anymore, remember the laughter that they brought you. And we'll come back on another show and pick up with Dane Cook, who is alive and living and his energy. is making you laugh and um wow just kind of a weird ending to the show but i'm going to leave it right there i'm going to keep it real man i hope you liked it this wasn't about bringing you down smile

it's about enjoying life don't let anything override your will to live and your need to laugh and that's what we do here at the harland highway we remember our dear friends who went off the side of the highway, but they are never forgotten, and we appreciate the time that they spent with us here and made us laugh. And we will make you laugh more next time on this very, very strange ending to the Harland Highway. But nonetheless, glad you shared this experience with me and the other listeners. That's what it's all about.

If you want to comment on any of this, please feel free to call the numbers on the website, or you can email me at harlunewyms.com. And keep on laughing, man. Keep on laughing. That's how we make it through. That's what we do. And until next time, keep it real in the deal. And chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.