The Harland Highway - Podcast 60

Episode Date: January 15, 2010

Today I talk about the power of the USA, men in uniform, funny sayings, throwing things. Such a hot basket of curly fun! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, late December back in 63. What a lady, what a show. What a show indeed. Look at that. Me serenading you right out the door. That's the makings of a good show. We do have a good show today. At least I think so.

You'll be the ultimate judge. But we are going to be talking about some interesting stuff. We're going to be talking about men in uniforms. The women seem to be attracted to men in uniforms. We're going to be talking about some funny sayings. You know those cheesy little funny, catchy sayings that people always have? We'll get into some of those. We're going to be talking about that stupid game, the rock, scissors, paper, stupid thing.

We're going to be talking about throwing things. Have you ever thrown anything at somebody and the outcome of that? And then on a little bit of a more serious note, we're going to be talking about the United States of America. We're going to be talking about the disill – I can't even say it, the disciplinary role. There we go. I got it out.

Tough word. I'm not good with the tough words. The disinaplery, now I can't say. You know what I mean. Wow. It started off good with me singing and now it's spiraled into I'm illiterate. But it's got the word discipline and I'm getting tongue twisted on the end. But it's the role of United States doling out discipline in the world.

There. That was a little more coherent. Oh, God. And it's a little more serious. It's a little more, a little more, shall we say, intense conversation than the usual silliness we have here. But what the hell? I hope you find it stimulating and thought-provoking. And let's go, USA.

Let's kick it off right here out of the heartland of America. You are on the Harlan Highway. You ready? Let's go. Let's do it. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. We'll submit. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Yes. This is the United States of America calling. Yes. The most powerful country in the world. Yes. I want you to stand on one leg, jump up and down, and whistle. What did I whistle?

The American National Anthem. Oh, I don't have enough breath for that. Well, whistle something. Hello? Hello? Yeah, who's this? This is the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world. Yeah, well, I'll hang up, but you got to tell me who it is first.

I need you to whistle for me first. No, I'm not going to whistle. You will whistle for the United States of America, the most powerful country in the world. Hello? It's just the... Hello! Are we still the most powerful country in the world? I guess on paper we are, right?

With all our weapons and our modern technological warfare and, you know, technically we probably are. But you never know. I mean, what's China been up to all these years, all these decades behind the scenes? What's Russia up to these days? Do we really know? I think technically we probably are on paper. But here's where it gets foggy for me, man. Have we just become too nice and politically correct

and too like we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings? I mean, honestly, look at these jackasses in Iran, man. It all started years ago during the Carter and, when they took our guys hostages, held them for like a year or two. And they've kind of been a thorn in the side ever since, and now they're waving their finger in the air at us. God, how long do you just put up with crap? How long are you the nice, sensitive person?

Look at North Korea testing missiles. Look at the chiefs in Afghanistan, the tribe. fighting off the Americans. At what point do you just have to go, you know what, I'm sorry, people are going to get hurt, but we've got to clean this crap up. It's like another guy tried to blow up a plane yesterday in the United States.

You know, some guy from Yemen snuck some crap onto a plane. At what point do we just go, oh, you want to dick around with us? good-bye. Yeah, and I know a lot of you are going, oh, well, that's the animalistic approach. That's primitive. Yeah, well, guess what? The people that are threatening the rest of the world and the United States are in a primitive mindset, man.

And I can't really stand on the soapbox and say, well, we're so much more sophisticated because we have 300,000 nuclear weapons, but we know how to use them. No. The whole human race at its core is primitive. And you're like, but wait, we have solar power and we've got cell phones. We're not primitive. Okay, that's the sophisticated, educated part of humans. But we have not alleviated the primitive part of us.

So at some point, my question is, there's people doing bad in the world, and there seems to be people that are working for the higher cost. of good and I'm not just saying the United States I'm saying Canada I'm saying Australia I'm saying Europe the UK Norway Finland Poland you know there's all kinds of countries that are trying to do good things and these are just off the top of the head you know and then there's countries that are just like hell bent on causing crap and slowing down the rest of the world that seems to want to progress in a peaceful manner, and find cures for diseases

and help people live longer and help us get out into space so we can expand our horizons and propel the human race forward. And not just America, everybody. Everybody benefits from forward motion. Okay, the United States didn't invent the automobile and electricity and the internet just to hide it away from the rest of the world.

Everything that's been invented here has been shared with the masses. Oh, and by the way, the masses that are included under that umbrella are the bad guys that condemn the United States and the civilized world for being evil and calling us infidels. But guess what? these so-called people that hate us are more than happy to use our cell phone technology, the internet we invented,

our weapons, anything that benefits their cause, suddenly we're not so bad. But God forbid we put up a mall and we build Disneyland and we try to enjoy life and try to prosper. But if there's something in our arsenal that helps them destroy us,

Hey, this is pretty good. This internet thing's pretty good for spreading our message of hatred around. I mean, come on. I guess my point is, and I don't want to rattle on about it, but isn't about time someone just went, you know what, you're misbehaving, you're getting your ass kicked? We're rounding you up, you're getting your ass kicked. And if you're on the no-fly list or you're causing problems

and we know you're up to no good. You're going down, loser. It's like the judicial system here, man. How many sexual predators have come out of jail and terminated the life of a little girl or a little boy? How many chances you have to give these idiots? What I'm saying is we've become too nice to the bad forces on this planet, man. And what's scary is they seem to know it.

And they're using it against us. It's like a parent that's too lenient. And it sucks that we have to be the parent, right? To the bad kids that don't understand discipline. There used to be a time where it's like, Billy, you stop jumping on that bear, you're going to get it. Okay, Daddy, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, I'm going to be good. And now we're like, Billy, stop jumping on that bed. Ah, up yours, Mom. Billy, that's not how we talk. Yeah, it is now. Up yours. Billy, you're hurting Mommy's feelings. So what? Who cares?

Billy, let's sit down and talk about this. Let Mommy make you a frappuccino from Starbucks and we'll just... Let's talk this through, Billy. I told you once. I'm going to tell you again, Mama. Up your greasy ass. Billy, you don't mean that, do you? You get the point. How about bend over, kid, you're getting a smack on the ass.

I'll never do it again, I promise. You bet your ass you'll never do it again. Is there anything wrong with us having to administer a little discipline? And I don't want you people going, oh, yeah, we're the occupiers. We go over, we take whatever we want, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's not about that. Don't politicize it like that. That's not what I'm getting at.

I'm talking just about, like, sometimes you get put in the unfortunate position of having to delegate authority or rules or power. Guess what? By accident, we are those guys. We're the richest country in the world. We're the most powerful country in the world. With that comes some responsibility, comes some stigma, comes attachments. And so almost by default, we kind of have to be the strong arm here. But what I'm suggesting is maybe the strong arm is getting real flabby.

You ever see Oprah lift up her arm on the Oprah shown? She's got that whale meat dangling from her tricep. Oh, it just flabs around. I mean, is that what we've become? Or is that what we've let ourself become? Or is it up to us to tighten the muscle and help guide the world into a positive forward motion where it's all about unity and people doing it together and bringing races and religions and classes and sexes together all is one

without eliminating their history or their sacred religions or whatever, but, man, doesn't somebody just have to lay down the law? I don't know. Maybe my approach is too simplistic. Maybe it's too complicated. Maybe it's antiquated. Maybe you think I'm just a moron. I don't know.

it's all really just food for thought, isn't it? And it's just frustrating. I wonder to myself if the rest of the country is frustrated with what's going on in the world, how we're kind of being held hostage by a lot of these little gnats that are buzzing around and trying to disrupt our lives. I guess at the end of the day, I just get sick of seeing innocent Americans being targeted

and killed and beheaded and their airplanes blowing up and yes I have sympathy for innocent civilians that get killed over there too that are caught in the middle of the crossfire of course I don't want to see young children and innocent people die

whether they're from America or any other part of the world but we have to remember at the end of the day there is somebody perpetuating this aggression and this anti-social behavior. And I believe it's because of them that innocent people get caught in the crossfire.

And the sooner we shut the forces of bad down, maybe less innocent people get hurt in the crossfire. But on the way, yeah, you bet your ass there's going to be casualties. I don't like that. don't like it if it's Americans. I don't like it if it's somebody else. But just sitting around and being a lame-ass, limp-risted parent, I don't know. I don't know. I don't have the answer. I'm just throwing some thoughts out there for you, folks. Got a little serious here on the Harland Highway, didn't it? But that's okay. We like to be provocative here. It's not all about just being goofy, man.

These topics interest me, they stimulate me. I'm sure you think about them. And I'm not saying what I say is right, but, you know, those are my thoughts. I hope you can respect them at their base value, and I would like to hear your thoughts. I don't like people that just, like, argue and go, you're an idiot, man, you're a moral. What kind of approach is that? Where were you born, man? Are you a mental case?

You know, I like people that go, Hmm, interesting point of view. Don't agree with it. You're totally wrong, in my opinion. But here's what I think. Here's my point of view. And you're welcome to agree or disagree. So don't be climbing off on the hate train.

But open your mind to dialogue, other people's points of view, as I like to do with people. And if you want to comment on any of this, you want to write me at harlanwilliams.com, or you want to get the phone number off the website and leave a message. I'm interested to hear how you feel about this topic. And, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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that women love a man in uniform. And I didn't think it was any importance. I didn't think of it had any relevance at all. But I guess in a way it does, it connects to me a little bit. I guess because I guess what people don't know is because this is radio and it's a medium where you can't really see me. You can only hear me. I thought it was ironic that I do the show here every day

in a perfectly tailored, Navy Captain's uniform. Yeah, you know, the white thing with the perfectly cut shoulders and the tapered waistline and the tight, tight white pants with the snugly fit buttock area. You know, I don't know. You've probably seen it. Oh, I don't know, maybe in that movie, Officer and a gentleman, Richard Gear wore probably pretty much the same thing I've got on.

Right now, I wear it all the time every day when I do the show. And I've got the nice little hat that kind of frames my face. It kind of, you know, kind of comes in just over my brow, giving them that mysterious, smoky, sexy feel when you look into my eyes. And the tight collar with the tie and the streamlined buttons going right down towards my crotch area where there's a shiny black belt. You know, it's just an interesting article. You know what?

I don't even know why I mentioned it. It's just, you know, I heard that women like a man in uniform and why, it doesn't matter. You know what? Forget I even mentioned that I'm wearing this tight white, snug, beautifully pressed uniform. But the, that I mentioned the shiny, black belt with the silver butt buckle ladies oh okay okay easy easy harland easy why it's so sexy yeah but you're doing a podcast relax i know but it's so sexy um do you like a guy with a deep voice ladies talks like this man huh does that affect your uh attraction to a man if he's got a deep voice or do you like a man

who talks like this he's just kind of up higher he's got a higher register or do you like someone kind of in the middle just like me right here you know you can detect a little bit of deep but there's also a little mischievous schoolboy in there And did I mention I'm wearing a beautifully pressed white officer in a gentleman's suit? All right, enough, enough, enough. Speaking of attractive and deep, are you attracted to deep little sayings? Deep little, you know, people come up with these little, they put together little sentences or little phrases or phrases or, or paragraphs that are supposed to be, like, stimulating or funny or deep.

People throw them at you now and then. Like, did you know that today is the first day of the rest of your life, right? Well, I've got a couple here, and I want to run through a few, and let me know what you think, okay? I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Um, okay. Cheesy. Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Yikes. Um, all right, here's one. Um, a cute little saying. Heaven is where the police are British. The chefs are Italian. The mechanics are German. The lovers are French. And it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians. Hmm, interesting. How about this one? In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday. All right, don't bend your brain trying to figure that one out. Who comes up with these things, man? Some guy sitting on the John staring at the wall. Let's see, man.

What's today? Okay. Just two days from now, tomorrow it will be yesterday. And three years from tomorrow, it'll be three years minus yesterday plus next week. God. All right, here's another one. These are kind of stupid. I like them.

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. That's a little scary. You ever meet a girl like that, guys? Here's one. I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect. You're also a retard for writing that.

All right, here's another one. A senior citizen was driving. down the freeway. His car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice, urgently warning him, Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the interstate 280. Please be careful. It's not just one car, said Herman. It's hundreds of them. Get it? Because he was the guy going the wrong? Yeah, okay. That one was a little too joky. Kind of blue. Let's try another one here. All right, these ones are kind of cute.

How about this one? Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things. Maybe not. All right, last one, here we go. This one is kind of cute. Corderoy pillows are making headlines. Get it?

Oh, God. Well, I tell you what, I heard a comedian once. This was one of my favorite jokes. man. I was at a comedy festival and I went to a late night show and you're going to kill me because I can't remember the comedian's name. All right. But whoever he was had one of the funniest jokes I think I've ever heard. And it might have just been me in that moment and time, but I'm going to share it with you. It was a British guy and kind of a nerdy looking guy with Woody Allen style glasses and just kind of an unassuming like British guy and he had a joke about one of these

sayings and I'll try and do it justice here I don't like to do other comedians material but this is in high praise of him and let's see if I can I can do it and it involves one of these sayings I walked into an office building the other day right to go visit my mate for lunch I walked up to the receptionist and she was sitting there and behind her head was a sign hanging on the wall. It said, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. And she'd written it in her own feces. Man, I love that joke.

It just caught me. It's one of those jokes that catches you off guard, right? You've got to think about it for a bit, but it's really clever. I like the clever stuff, right? The clever stuff. Case and point, this coming up right here. What is that stupid game, rock, paper, scissors? What the hell is that?

Did a geologist, a guy who works at Staples and a seamstress get together, they were all bored and they came up with a drinking game? Well, I'm a geologist, so I'll be the rock. and I work at staples, so I'll have paper. And I'm a seamstrel, so I've got the scissors. And then they just got hammered out of their head, and they're like, you know what, I don't know how to make decisions in my life anymore. I've just kind of lost the ability to reason.

So from now on, anything I do, we'll have a little contest. We'll shake our hands, and somehow we'll see if our hand turns into paper, see if that happens. We'll be like Transformers, okay? I'll be the rock guy, and you'll be the scissors guy, and I'll be the paper guy. What a dumb game. You think Edward's scissor hands ever does well at that game? I guess you'd always beat him, because you'd always know what was coming out. Oh, scissors again, you lose. Damn it! Why do I always have the scissors? Because you're Edward's scissors hands, dumbass. down the Harland Highway.

How about your indecisive, you just shake your fist and your middle finger comes out and you just show it to everyone around you and then just go do whatever you want. Ready? Rock, paper, scissor, middle finger, screw all of you. I'm doing what I want. Get out of my way. Speaking of rocks, you ever throw a rock at any point in your life? We've all thrown rocks.

But you ever thrown a rock? at something stupid, or you've been a dumbass and throwing a rock at something you're not supposed to? I mean, you know, I think every kid is maybe throwing a rock through someone's window. I remember me and my cousin were out one day on the sidewalk. And we must have been about, I don't know, 12 or 13 years old. We were up by our cottage, and we went into the little, town by our cottage to get groceries with our parents.

And there was an old house right there on the main street. And it looked kind of old and abandoned and kind of empty, right? So we start picking up rocks right there on the sidewalk and start wailing rocks right through the windows. We're like, yeah, man, let's see you can break a window. Hey, there's some windows upstairs. Get those. Hey!

So we're like tossing rocks. and all of a sudden, like, some lady comes running up to us, goes, ah, what are you doing? And we're like, nothing. And we're like, that's my house. And we're like, what? We didn't think anyone would live in this, like, beat up old house. So we were, like, actually throwing rocks into somebody's home blatantly on the sidewalk.

Oh, God. So wrong. We just ran away. I think we literally ran and, like, found a tree and climbed up in a tree and hid there like little scared lion cubs and then i think one of the oddest things i ever threw they still laugh about this it's so wrong but i laugh about it me and my cousins once again this was kind of the dawn of this tells you how old i am this was like kind of when microwave ovens first came out and so they had one at the mall at the uh department store

And they're like, hey, see how amazing the microwave is. Watch how quickly it can cook stuff. And so for some reason, they had a bin of giant raw potatoes, right? Right, right beside this demo microwave oven. And these were huge. These are, to this day, they're some of the biggest potatoes I've ever seen. They're like the size of a cucumber, man, but a lot fatter. They were huge, huge brown potatoes, right?

And they're free. They're like, take a free potato and put it in the oven. Well, we were kids. We had no money. We were like, hey, free is free. Don't know what we'll do with a potato, but it's free. So we started stuffing our pockets with these big fat potatoes. Because we grew up in Canada, so we had the winter coats on.

And, you know, before you know it, we had like five potatoes each. We're like, hey, free, hey! So we go trucking out of this store with these giant potatoes in our pockets. and we suddenly we don't we realize we don't know what the hell to do with them you can't eat them you can't make them your pet right so we we were by beside this real busy road this real busy road that ran into our community you know there's like the main road that you turn off of to go into the communities well this was like the main road the bus route road and we found a grassy knoll just like in dallas and we hid behind the grassy knoll and our with our giant potatoes we decided we are going to unleash a potato storm on the unsuspecting drivers motoring down this big road right so obviously we were aiming for the other side of the road we didn't want to throw it at the cars that were coming towards us because they would see us and slam on their brake so we had to do the big arc right across the road and hit the cars going the other way down

down the hill and uh we tossed a few potato bombs and nobody connected and then i had this one giant potato looked like a sea cucumber man and as if i was in the trenches of world war two on the shores of normandy i pulled this giant dirty brown potato out of my jacket and i hurled it through the air. I launched it over my shoulder and this thing arched across the road. And I guess it's always an old lady, right? I hate to say it, but it was an old lady, she's buttering down the road in her little blue Volvo or something or her Nova. I think it was like

a Chevy Nova. Poor old lady with gray hair. She's just wailing down the road. And all of a sudden, I swear to God, this giant brown potato just connected and it hit her window it hit her passenger window right on the driver's side so pretty much if there wasn't a plate of glass it would have sailed right in and hit her right in the cheek but as fate would have it of course it was winter she had her her window rolled up and this giant fat potato just smashed against her glass window and just i'll never forget those startled look of shock on her face as she suddenly like snapped to the left and looked out

the window only to see a big fat giant potato staring back at her with her with its potato eyes its white pussy potato eyes and it's just the humor of the shock of something that should never be somewhere is suddenly there okay since when to driving your vehicle and potato mix never so here's this old lady suddenly confronted with a giant potato on her window and as much as a brat as i am for doing that and don't throw the first stone if you live in a glass house because you've all thrown stuff too so there but uh just seeing her shocked expression and that the unexpected potato bomb still makes me laugh. To this day, and you're probably just going,

what a moron, I'm clicking the stop button on this podcast. Well, too late. Too late, sucker. This is the end of the podcast. It's over. Hope you had a good time. Watch out for flying potatoes. And we'll catch you next time here on the Harland Highway.

Until then, chicken chow-me, baby. Or potato salad, whatever you prefer. Hello!