The Harland Highway - Podcast 61

Episode Date: January 18, 2010

Today I talk about modern baby carriages, Karma, creepy celebrities, intimidating phone calls from the USA, and lastly celebrity races! It's gonna be a corgi dog thunder blast!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show. Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. Let's get right to it. Today we're talking about all kinds of fun and interesting things. I'm going to be talking about baby carriages. You know, there's a whole new revolution, a remodel in baby carriages as the auto industry gets more and more antiquated. Baby carriages, of all things, have made leaps and bounds. We're going to be making some phone calls to some other countries to reinforce that the USA is the number one superpower in the world. We're going to be talking about karma. Do you believe in karma? And I'm going to tell you a story about some karma that happened to me that involves some salami, some baloney, and some sliced turkey breast.

Yeah, stick around to hear that one. And then I'm so excited. We are going down to the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We have a racetrack out behind my studio where we keep thoroughbred celebrities, and we put them in the gate, and we race them. We race them down the track. Today I think we have Brad Pitt and Rosie O'Donnell and Richard Simmons, Ashton Coocher.

It's going to be an incredible race. You've got to stick around for that. And lastly, we're going to get into celebrity sightings but ones that you don't really want to have. I bumped into a celebrity the other day, and I didn't really want to. And wait till you hear who it is, and wait to you hear what happened.

It's quite an amusing story. So all that and so much more. Welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway. I'm Harlan Williams. You ready to do this? I know I'm ready. If you're not ready, I'm going without you. Put your seatbelt on.

Come on, it's the Harland Highway. Here we go. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Okay, do you have a baby? And I'm okay with it if you have a baby. That's fine. Have a baby.

Have a bunch of babies. But have you. I noticed the progression of a quintessential baby item. There is one item that has taken leaps and bounds over the decades, and I'm talking about the baby stroller. Remember there was a time when the baby stroller was just pretty basic, you know, a piece of cloth stretched between a metal frame and four semi-rubber hard plastic wheels and you just push the kid around.

No biggie, right? I'm telling you, man, I see strollers now that are more advanced further along in technology than the automobiles we drive. I mean, these things have plastic moldings and they've got mag wheels on them

and they got frames, they got rims, They've got collapsible parts, they've got retractable parts, they've got space-age plastic and bipolar philomotified polyphilla. And I just made that part up, obviously, but it's there. Custom molded handles. I mean, some of these things have like eight or nine or 12 wheels on them. shock absorbers plastic removable parts

convertible roofs I mean it's like watching a transformer like you if you ever get in a line at an airport for the security check-through you got to see these things when it comes time to go through the security screening it's like they take the baby out and this stroller practically stands up by itself

and starts like morphing and things are coming off and it's folding and it's collapsing and it goes down into a little ball and then they put it through the x-ray machine and they get it at the other side and it's like the thing unfolds

and starts standing up and wheels are popping out and plastics reforming and it suddenly reshapes itself My name is Optimus Prime and these things are like Space Age purple and neon pink and fire red and sparkle paint jobs.

I'm telling you, man. They've become a whole new beast, these strollers for babies. We are autonomous robotic organisms from the planet's cybertron. It's like you're almost getting a complex as a baby if you're not in like a high-priced supermax baby stroller. And when I say high-price, Christ, these things aren't cheap anymore. I'm sure there was a time when they were like about 25 bucks.

It's like no one thought about babies. That's a baby. The people are going to have it for like, you know, five months and then get rid of it. You know, who's going to pay for a stroller? So 25 bucks. Now, okay, I found a stroller on the internet, okay? And it's called the Dreamer Design Axiom. Okay, they're not even called just strollers anymore

They even got names like Transformers Ooh, it's the dreamer design axiom Oh, my baby's just in a stroller Oh, well, not mine, mine's in a dreamer design axiom What is an axiom? Oh, it doesn't matter My little Sidney's in one and yours isn't Sorry, got to go Wait, come back, sorry, can't even be talking to you

Can you believe it? Okay? This thing has washable fabric, a reclining seat, a storage basket, you know, in case the baby goes to, you know, Macy's and picks up some new shoes. And it also comes with a 20-year warranty in case your little egghead decides he never wants to grow up. And I could see that being a problem. You get a baby, a stroller that's so maxed out, so pimped. imped out, where's the impetus to grow? It's like, man, let me see now.

I've got a pretty good ride here, man. So the way I see it, if I start growing up, I'm going to lose my wheels. So I'm just going to stay a little egghead and get pushed around and enjoy life. A 20-year warranty for a baby? Okay, this thing also has an onboard hand-earned. footbreak because we all know um you know seven month old babies realize when they're going too fast they need to reach out and um apply the break because babies know how to do that this thing has adjustable handles harnesses and even a water bottle holder okay shouldn't that be a tit holder

I don't think, you know, you need your baby to have a water bottle holder. There should be like a breast rest. So mama can straddle the stroller and hang her knockers, stuff them in a breast rest, daddy can push, and baby can have a sock. I mean, this thing is $1,219. Okay? And then it keeps going. Here's the next one down the line.

If you can't get the Rolls Roy, some strollers. How about this one? The Inglisina. I can't even pronounce it. The Inglisina classic pram. What the hell? You just know like Gwyneth Palchow is pushing her baby apple around in this thing. Right?

The Inglissiana classic pram. What? Up yours, baby. You know you're going to grow up with an attitude when you got a stroller that's called that. Only $990. Now check this out. This stroller has a romantic style and elegance

that looks like it's right out of a cartoon. It has a washable lining and a matching diaper bag. This is an old-fashioned stroller, much like Mary Poppins might push around town. Yeah, if Mary Poppins happen to have $990 U.S. hanging out of her magic umbrella. Good Lord, man. A traditional stroller or a pram, as they're known in England. They go in to say when it comes to strollers, there's a myriad of brand styles and configurations.

In fact, buying a stroller is much like buying a car. Okay, are you kidding me? Here's where I hate advertisers and people that just let things go too far. When is buying a stroller for a kid that's going to need it for eight months, like buying a car? The kid doesn't know what it is. The kid doesn't care. You can put your kid on a rolling log. Lay them on a beach ball and let them roll down the street, man.

Like buying a car. What a con job. So there you go. If you go out and spend this much money on a store. You not only obviously have a baby, you personally have the brain of a baby, because you haven't learned to formulate thoughts yet. If you're smart, you'll save up that $1,219 and put a down payment on a transformer. I risk my case. Thank you, baby.

Good evening, Coach Norfolk, Jason speaking. Hello, this is the United States of America calling. The most powerful country in the world. Yeah? I need you to stand on one leg, salute, and say, all hail America. Okay. All hell of America. Louder, please.

All hail America. Louder, please. Is this necessary? I want you to salute. and say God bless Barack Obama. It's not going to happen. I need you to do it. This is the United States, the most powerful country in the world.

If you were the most powerful, your President Obama would be the President of the world, which he is not. Therefore, no. God bless President Obama. Say it. And if I don't? You will answer to the United States. Sir, to the United States of America. Okay, well, then come fetch me, I'm ready.

I need you to jump up and down and whistle. No, it's not going to happen either. Where are you right now? I'm at work, and I work in a bar. Can you make me a drink? Make you a drink? Yes. Sure, what would you like?

A dirty Russian, sir. A dirty Russian? Yes. Would you like a Russian prostitute with or without that? I'll take the prostitute. Lovely. I'll have everything organized for you. Thank you for your time. And remember, the United States is the most powerful country in the world.

When you guys find a damnlessane, phone me back, and then I'll agree with you. Until that time, that's not going to happen. Thank you, London, England, and we're watching you. Have a good night. Hello? This is the United... Do you believe in karma? Do you believe in Subway sandwiches?

You're like, okay, Harland, what's up? Two very diverse sides of the spectrum. from karma, a metaphysical, spiritual realm, and Subway Sandwiches, a place that stuffs cold cuts in between a roll. Well, let me tell you about some Subway sandwich karma that happened to me, okay? It's kind of a plain little simple story, but it touched me. I thought it was cute, and it reminded. me about karma and let's see if you folks have any caramelized caramel ball stories about a month ago

I uh I rolled down to my local subway sandwich shop no I'm not on the biggest loser okay I just like to go there for lunch now and then and uh I roll in and I'm standing in the line you know looking at all the toppings and looking up at the menu and some like teenage well maybe not a teenage, but like a 20-year-old kid standing there beside me and just staring away. And I'm like, okay, I'm not that pretty. What's up? He's like, oh, man, you're Kenny from Half-Baked, man. For those of you who Kenny is, I did a movie called Half-Baked,

and I played this stoner school teacher named Kenny, right? This guy's like, oh, man, you rocked in that movie, and he, like, high-fives me. I could just see in his eyes. It was like a thrill for him to meet me. And I got to tell you, that's part of the joy of doing what I do. It lights people up somehow what I've done, the laughter that I've given them, whatever it is, I've touched people in a way that it brings them joy or excitement or whatever. That's a cool feeling.

So this kid's all fired up, and I'm just trying to order a sandwich. I'm like, hey, cool, man, yeah. And he's got a little bit awkward. He didn't know how to end it. He's like, okay, man, cool. And I'm like, all right, see you, buddy, you know. I'm really nice to the guy, you know. And he gets in front of me and he pays for his sandwich

and I see he was like, you know, five bucks or $450 or something, you know. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I was standing there and I'm thinking, good Lord, there's so many like Dick celebrities and so many famous people that are just, you know, we've just, you know, Tiger Woods cheating and Charlie Sheen trying to murder his wife and O.J. Simpson and celebrity spitting and fighting and doing drugs and dying of pills and there's so many dicks out there I have to say it so I was like boy this kid was fired up I kind of could tell

I made his day at least that part of his day and I thought what if I was in his shoes what would be even something more special right so I give my sandwich the kids see sitting over the table on my way out the door i walk up to him i say hey dude he looks up at me he's like oh hey man i slap a fiver on his table a five dollar bill i just look at him i said kid lunches on me tell him kenny from half bake sent you i know corny right but it was just fun the kid's face lit up he was like oh wow thanks man he was kind of speechless right and then i just you know trucked on out the door got my pickup and bamused so hopefully i kind of helped make that kid's day so i didn't think anything of it it was fun to do who cares five bucks it's what's five

bucks to put a big smile on a kid's face right so cut to a month later i'm back at some way again. Here's where the karma comes in. I'm in line. I order my sandwich and my chocolate milk, and I'm just starting to pull the money out of my pocket, and this guy comes

flying in the door. He's like, hey, hold it. And everyone kind of stops and looks at this guy. He looks like kind of a Russian dude. And he goes, that one's on me. And I'm like, I didn't know what he was talking about, and he ran up to the cashier. And

waves his hand in front of my money and he goes no this one's on me and i'm like what are you talking about he goes hey i own the place i'm a real big fan of you man you make me laugh this one's on me i'm like no dude he goes yeah it's on me you're good i like you and all i could think of wow it was the same place where just you know a month ago i had bought a kid's lunch and now here's a guy doing the same for me, and it made me feel great. So I hope I made that kid feel great. This guy made me feel great. It was karma, man.

It all came back around in the form of a cold-cut sandwich. So my message is, you know, do something nice for somebody, and don't look for it to come back. Don't look for a payback. Because I think that's how karma works. You just do things out of the kindness of your heart. and karma's watching, and karma kind of hits you back when you least expect it. At least I hope that's the way it works.

So what I'm going to do is tomorrow I'm going to head down to the Lamborghini dealership and buy someone a Lamborghini and hope that, you know, the next time I'm in there, when prices have gone up a little more, someone runs in and, buys the kid and old Lamborghini. Right, Karma? You listening? Karma? Hello? Karma? Hello, hello? Karma?

All right. Well, speaking of race cars, you folks like the races? I know I do. Man, you ever go to the horse races? Anybody here do that? I don't know. It's just, it's horses, man. You know, they're not the brightest bulbs on the tree.

They're kind of like, you know, put them on track, go around circle, hit them. You know, it's like how many horse races can you watch, right? Like horses don't have that much personality. And, you know, especially if you're sitting in the stands, you don't really know their personality. It's just one horse looks like the other, right? There's no ego involved.

There's no personality. They just kind of, the gate opens and they run down the track. all they know. So I'd like to see something more exciting, man. I'd like to see, like, celebrity racing. You know, like put a bunch of freaky celebrities out there on the track where you really know their personalities and their egos and watch them go at it.

Yeah, man, I'd love to see, like, I'd like to go to the racetrack and see Richard Simmons and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. maybe uh katie kurek from the news how about rosy odonnell huh maybe uh pretty boy ashton kutcher out there throw all those guys out there man let them run down the track i'd put my money on uh i don't know who i'd put my money on but uh let's go there man let's let's make this happen let's uh let's go to the celebrity races shall we Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to the Kentucky Fried Chicken Derby. Here we go. We've got Richard Simmons, Brad Pitt and Angelina, Rosie O'Donnell, Katie Couric, and Ashton Couture in late 5.

There they go. There they go. He's running down the track. It looks like Richard Simmons has taken the lead out of the gate. He's all covered in oil in his pink shorts. And here comes Ashton Coochard. Oh, wait, Ashton Couture has turned around. He's running the other way. Katie Curek comes in from behind. She's actually down on all fours and galloping like a horse. Her horse teeth actually nipping at the heels of Rosie O'Donnell. Here comes Rosie O'Donnell.

She's coming around the curve. Rosie O'Donnell. What's it? Oh, my God. Look out. She's run up into the stands. Oh, my God. She's at the snack bar.

Rosie O'Donnell is at the snack bar. She's ordered a cheeseburger and chili dog and three orders of curly fries. Back on the track. We've got Katie Courant. We've got Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt running down the track with Angelina Jolie. They seem to be passing a young child back and forth to each other. Oh my God. They've taken a turn up into the stands. They've found a young Korean boy. It looks like they're grabbing it a young Korean boy, pulling it away from the mother. They've got the young Korean boy. They're running down the track with a young Korean boy. It looks like they've successfully adopted. And there goes Richard Simmons. Oh, Richard Simmons stopping by the gate. He's standing there. He's pulling out some salad dressing. He's. He's pulling out some salad dressing. He's. He's. He's. He's oiling up his legs. His legs are shimmering in the sunlight. His arms are oiling greasy, and there he goes. He's back off. He's going down the straightaway.

Richard Simmons going around the left curve. There he goes. Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O'Donnell is back on the track. She's eating curly fries. They're flying up in the air. She's got three hot dogs, and it looks like four or five cheeseburgers

as she makes a way down to the first corner, and there goes Katie Courage with a horse teeth. Katie Couric with a horse teeth. Then she goes, and it looks like they come into the line. It looks like, oh my goodness, here he comes. It's going to be Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. No wait. Richard Simmons is pulling out some of his body oil.

He's spraying it on the track. Richard Simmons is sliding across the finish line. Richard Simmons comes in at first place. And Erstinkucha is somewhere down the street wandering in the wrong direction. What a race, ladies and gentlemen, what a race. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time at Celebrity Races. yeah everyone loves damn celebrities boy um but you ever run into a celebrity that you don't like

that you don't want to meet um so dig this i'm out the other night um to grab some sushi with my buddy tom green right and i get there a few minutes early i grab the table and i'm waiting for tom and um standing outside the sushi joint doing a cell phone call is none other than pornostar Ron Jeremy. You know that big kind of chubby Greek-looking guy with the hairy chest and the long stringy, greasy hair, and the black Super Mario Brothers mustache? You know the guy, and, you know, you've all seen one of his movies.

Don't pretend you haven't. And somehow this kind of chubby little guy was born with probably one of the world's largest members. I mean, this guy, if you've seen one of his movies, which I know you have, had a giant, you know, summer calbasa, right? And so I go into the sushi joint. I'm waiting for Tom and in walks, Ron Jeremy, and walks over to like three tables over, right?

I'm like, okay, whoopie-do, no biggie, go eat your meal, I'll eat mine. So Tom walks in, and we sit down, it's a table for two, and there's a table next to us with a reserve sign on it, a table for two. So we sit down and Tom goes, hey, I got two friends of mine coming by, a couple of girls that I know, they're going to join us. And I'm like, oh, okay, fair enough. And so the waiter comes over, and Tom tells us. the waiter, and Tom and I say, hey, can they just sit right here?

And the guy goes, no, that table's reserved. We can move you over there. And sure enough, there's an empty table for four right beside Ron Jeremy and party. And let's just say the party was about as greasy as he looked. Okay? And I'm thinking, okay, do you really want to go over and sit and eat dinner? next to a guy that you've watched do unspeakable things, right? A guy that is really a complete stranger,

but yet somehow through the marvels of human technology, you've seen him have sexual intercourse and do nasty things. You've seen his hairy, pimply ass, you know, pumping back and forth as he's made love or had sex with women. And now you're sitting next to this guy who, in the old days, how would you ever know him be able to watch a man have sexual intercourse with multiple partners? Well, you couldn't, but suddenly you're in this weird situation through technology that you're about to eat some mahi mahi or some smoke salmon next to the king of plowing.

So me and Tom look at each other. We look at the waiter, we look at the empty table, we look at Ron Jeremy, and we both kind of look at each other and go, no, we don't want to sit there. And Tom goes, can we sit on this side behind this wall? And the waiter's like, sure, man, yes. And we go sit around the wall and we're laughing. And we're thinking, okay, do we not only not want to sit near Ron Jeremy? But then you got to factor in the girls that are coming to have dinner with you and they're going to recognize Ron Jeremy.

And how do you have dinner? How do you have a conversation with a girl who you know in her mind is thinking about the guy she's seen have sex multiple times with a penis that's longer than the table you're sitting at? how on earth is she going to focus? How is she going to look you in the eye? How are you going to share a moment? How are you going to have any type of conversation when the girl in the peripheral of her vision has King Kong Dong sitting there?

That's like a guy sitting down and right at the next table is Pamela Anderson. or who's that porno star, Jenna Jameson or whatever her name is? Like, it would be a distraction. So fortunately, we get the seat behind the wall, and we're eating, me and Tom are eating. We're waiting for these two girls to come, and all of a sudden, the party of porn finishes, gets up and walks towards the exit, And on the way, good old Ron Jeremy recognizes me and Tom, which is kind of creepy.

It's like we recognize him. He recognize us. Hey, we're all in this together, right? No. I do comedy. I keep my clothes on. You have anal sex with teenagers. Okay.

I don't mean to sound crude, but that's why. what he does amongst many other things so he walks up to time he's like hey tom how you doing man and tom you know drawn jeremy puts his hand out and uh automatically tom puts his hand out and they shake hands and inside i'm just like oh god like at this point i'd rather shake the hand of someone with swine flu or SARS or rabies. You know, rather than put my hand in the hand of Ron Jeremy Pornostar, where you've seen him holding his festive October Fest Calbasa so many times in that same hand. Oh, God.

So I knew it was coming. It's like, okay, he shake Tom's hand. now he's going to shake my hand. And sure enough, he turns to me, hey, man, I know you. Out comes his hand. My hand curls up tighter than Muhammad Ali's fist, tighter than Howie Mandel at a bacteria festival,

and I just pound them. I give him the potato. The contact of my skin on his is minimal and lightning quick and even still I felt like microscopic sperm cells had leapt from his body onto my fingers

oh god and I gotta tell you I've known Tom Green for a long time when Ron Jeremy left I've never seen such a look of concern come over Tom's face as I did right there man I mean Tom's fondle dead animals

he's sucked a cow in a field. I don't want to be crude, but he's masturbated a horse in a field. Tom has crawled all over a dead moose that he found at the side of the road. He doesn't care. I've never seen Tom Green look so taken aback as after Ron Jeremy left

and his hand was just hanging out there, covered in who knows what. And Tom literally stood up and bolted for the back. bathroom and said, I better go wash this hand, right? And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, buddy, you really better go wash that hand, man. And when he came back, I said, did the bar of soap start melting when you put it in your hand? Did it start, like, just sizzling in your hand, like a, you know, like it was melting from all the bacteria?

Anyways, there you go. So there you go. And you know what? In all things, fairness, maybe Ron Jeremy's a good guy inside, but it's like all you know him by is from what you've seen. And I guess Tom and I grew up in an era where porn was a little more taboo. Porn was something you didn't readily see. There was no internet. And there was only like four or five porn stars. So everyone at some point who watched porn and what curious college kid didn't, there was Ron Jeremy. So celebrity sightings cannot always be the euphoric blessing that you hope they can be. They can very often lead to you in a hazmat suit writhing in your bacteria on the floor of a sushi restaurant.

Somebody cover me in wasabi and put me out of my misery. And speaking of the opposite of misery, I've got to give you guys a plug right now. Me, yours truly, Harland Williams, is going to be in Salt Lake City, Ogden, Utah, January 21, 22, and 23 at a comedy club called Wise Guys. Great club. I've been there quite a few times. always have an incredible time there doing the stand-up and if you don't live in Salt Lake City but you know someone who does or you have friends let them know give them a call

shoot them an email Facebook them MySpace them whatever let them know that the kids come into town Harland Williams Wise Guys Comedy Club Salt Lake City Odgan Utah January 21 22 22 And to reserve tickets, you can call 801, 463, 2909, 801, 463, 2909.

Or just go on HarlemWilliams.com and click on my stand-up schedule, and you can reserve online or call them through there. So, like I said, if you don't live there, tell your friends, tell people you might know, and let them spread the word because like Ron Jeremy's bacteria, I want to spread the laughter, okay? So that's it for today, man. I hope you enjoyed the Harland Highway podcast. I loved having you here. Love doing this for you, and we're going to do many more.

We'll catch you next time. And until then, bacteria-free, chicken chow. Oh man, baby.