The Harland Highway - Podcast 62 - Guest Dane Cook
Episode Date: January 20, 2010Today Comedian Dane Cook drops in for some giggles, also first date holdouts, Korean nukes, more celebrity races, and a real scary story that happened to me! Get the marshmallows kids, it's nut job ti...me! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Oh, my gosh, what a show.
And I'm going to get to it fast here, man,
because I just want to get into it.
It's going to be so fun, so cool.
We are going to be talking about girls and dating
and girls that are first-timers, if you know what I mean,
and girls that save it till the second date.
We're going to be talking about nuclear weapons.
Our old friends in North Korea have been testing weapons.
We're going to go to the celebrity race.
track, and we're going to watch some celebrities race around the track.
And speaking of celebrities, my friend Dane Cook, actor-comedian Dane Cook,
will be dropping by the studio today, and we're going to have some great laughs,
some great conversations, and it's going to be so good at scary.
And speaking of scary, when was the last time you were really terrified?
Really scared.
Wait till I tell you the story that happened just recently.
to me. It's almost hard to believe, but scared the bejes out of me.
We're going to get into that. But don't you be scared. Be happy that you're here.
You ready to do it? Come on, everybody. Let's go. It's the Harlan Highway. Let's do it.
This is Harland Williams.
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
This is Harlan Williams.
You're rolling down the Harlan Highway at 100 miles an hour.
And we're going a little faster today because we have a hot shot with us.
We've got a wild cat who likes to prowl through the jungle.
It's Mr. Dane Cook is here.
Howdy, Dane?
Harlan, I'm feeling fantastic.
This is one of the most comfortable chairs I've ever sat in during an interview.
So I want to thank you for that.
Really?
You like leather?
Do you like cows in general?
I do enjoy cows.
Why do you like cows?
There's something about, there's almost like a mystique about them.
Really?
What do you mean?
Like some people look at a cow and they just see like a slab of meat.
But I really look into their eyes.
Oh, really?
One of my favorite films is City Slickers.
And if you remember, a Norman, I think was the calf that Billy Crystal birthed.
And that was my favorite character in the film.
Because I felt a kinship.
Oh.
Someone told me once you were driving through the country slammed on your brain,
breaks, ran out into a field and punched a cow in the face.
That is not true.
That's not true?
No, the story went like this.
Oh.
I was driving through a leafy glay.
A glay?
Yeah, it's similar to a countryside, but it's a leafy glay.
I haven't heard that word years.
And what happened in the glay?
I did slam on my brakes, true.
And I jumped out, and I ran to the cow, and I hugged the cow.
Oh.
I did not knock the cow.
Everybody said that, and there was another rumor that I head butted the cow.
But no, I gave him a big, a big, big hug, and I told the cow that I just, I cared about it.
Oh, you're a lot.
lover, not a hater.
Oh, seductive.
Well, listen, we were talking earlier
about the stand-up circuit.
Yeah. 16 years for me.
How long have you been playing the game? I think it's 20 for me,
man. My lord, and you still look like your
32-year-old. I know. What are you doing?
I'm like one of the only vampire
comedians on the circuit. I suck
blood and eat pomegranate oil.
But we did something
once. We were here in Hollywood
at the laugh
factory and we teamed up one night and got into a little hijinks. Do you want to tell them about it?
Okay, so the Laugh Factory at the time, it had a stage with two double doors behind the stage
and there was like a really thin stairway that you could actually get behind the double doors
while a comic was performing. So essentially you could walk through the doors and be on stage
with a comic. If you were a thin comic. You'd have to be very thin. Yeah, if that comic couldn't
get down those stairs. Anybody over a buck 90 wasn't going to get down those stairs. Yeah. And I'm Sveld. I'm
dancing around 170 constantly. Shvelt? Yeah. What is, what do you say earlier, the glade or something?
A leafy glay. A glay and a schveldt? You've never heard of a leafy glay?
What? Are you Polish? I'm putting my shirt back on. Oh my God. These words, you're spaffled. So
anyways. I have a wide vernacular. Oh, there's another one. You have a wide vernacular? Are you related to John Williams?
My father's name is John Williams
When Dade pulled up to my house today
He got on the call box
He's like, I'm here for John Williams
And I'm like, how does he know my dad's hiding in the root cellar?
So anyways, what happened is you snuck behind the stage.
I'm on stage doing my bit
And we planned it
That you were going to come through those doors
While I was doing my act doing what?
I was going to kick the doors open
And I was going to be completely nude
except I was going to
have my bits and pieces
is that what we roll with?
Your wonder chunks.
My hijinks.
Yeah.
Your hairy glave
or whatever it's called.
Leafy clay.
Your leafy glay.
Your merang.
My chicklets.
My clacker balls.
I was going to tuck them
and I was going to do a little bit of an homage
to silence of the lamps
during your routine,
your repertoire.
Is that technically when you stick your stick your
stuff back through your legs, does that technically become the Bermuda Triangle?
Is that what you call it?
Sure.
Okay, good.
And we did that, and it was a perfect, it was that perfect crowd reaction of, like,
uncomfortable, ooh, but, like, they were laughing.
Some of the girls went a little nutty for you, though.
And here's how it happened.
We set it up that before Dan came up, I was doing my routine,
and the cue was, and I said this to a guy in the crowd,
I go, sir, there's about as much chance of that happening as Dane Cook
coming through that back door naked with his stuff tucked between his legs.
That is absolutely what you said.
And I said it, and you came out right on cue.
I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
I was out there with you.
It was a beautiful thing.
And then also, as a gift to you during the next segment,
I'm going to give you a spa-style facial and a Shiazhu deep tissue massage.
Oh, my God.
Do you have any hot stones?
I'm going to bring him in.
I got him in the car.
Oh, you're a wonder treat.
I'm a little.
I'm a fan, John Williams.
Yeah, you're a Star Wars theme to you, my friend.
We'll be right back here on the Harlan Highway with Dane Cook.
Canada will submit.
Hello?
Hi, this is the United States of America calling.
I beg your pardon?
United States of America, the most powerful country in the whole world.
Oh, really?
I need you to stand on one leg.
Yeah?
Jump up and down and whistle.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Is that all?
And maybe thing row, row, row your boat.
Oh, yeah.
What country is this?
Pardon me?
What country is this?
What country?
Yeah.
India.
This is the United States of America.
Uh-huh.
I need you to stand on one leg, jump up and down, and whistle.
What are you sailing?
Power.
The most powerful country in the world.
What are you sailing?
Power.
Start whistling.
Where are you calling from?
The United States of America.
The most powerful country in the world.
Well, it's a big country.
We're a boats.
The U.S. of A.
Washington, D.C.
Oh, I see.
Now stand on one leg.
Oh, yeah?
And jump up and down.
Oh, I've already done that.
And let me hear your whistle.
Yeah, I've already done that.
I didn't hear the whistling.
Hello?
It's just the night.
Hello!
Oh, God bless the United States of America, boys and girls.
God bless the ladies, too.
For the dating guys out there, man, the dating guys,
have you ever run into this dilemma?
You go out on a date with a girl.
First date, it's really steaming up, hot and heavy,
all this suggestive innuendo going around,
you know, the playful patter, the interaction, the dialogue.
And it's pretty much a given that it's going to happen.
And when I say it's going to happen, you know what I mean, the nasty, okay?
You're at a point in your dating life where you're like a good umpire to baseball game.
You've got the signals down, okay?
You know by the eye movements, the body language, the way she's crossing her legs, the flirtatious giggles, the touching on the arm.
You pretty much know that it's there.
You've both signed off.
She's like, yep, he's acceptable to hump.
And you're like, yep, she's acceptable to hump.
So everything happens on that date but the humping.
Like, you're like, wait a minute.
All the signals were there.
everything was right, according to the handbook of first date,
Humping etiquette, it was all supposed to happen,
but somehow in those final moments when you dropped her off
or you were bringing her home, she put the brakes on.
And you're like, wow, what the hell?
That, wait, I thought, but you said, and then I,
it's we had a silent agreement that you're like wow okay so then you know your curiosity is
peaked and you're like well now i got to go on the second date right because you're like
it's it's there it's there so you go on the second date and on the second date she puts out the
buffet platter everything happens everything you dreamed of everything that you thought was
going to happen on that first date happens. And you're like, wow, that was amazing. But then you're
like, wait a minute, why didn't all this stuff happen on the first date? I mean, it's all right here
on the second date. It's only like a date difference. And then you go, oh, wait a minute. This is one of
those girls that's like, oh, I don't do that on the first date. What kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm not that kind of girl
I'm not going to do
nasty, violent
crazy
uninhibited
sex with a perfect
near stranger on the first date
that's just unruly
immoral
unsanitary
and I just won't do it
that's not who I am
but I'll tell you what
you take me on a second date
and we'll do it that
it's just one day
difference
you know on the first date i'm just an angel but the second date look out i'm a truck driving mama
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I mean, honestly, girls, do you think that by saving it to the second date,
somehow we raise you up on a pedestal?
Do you think guys are like, oh, my God, oh my God, I can't believe it.
She waited until the second date.
What an angel.
What a, maybe she was a virgin.
Who waits to the second date?
what a how does she have the courage and the the stamina and the how does she have the resistance
how did she wait a whole date okay if you're going to be that girl that's like
mrs puritanical and you know i've got the mojo to hold off you know what i mean like wait for
about 12 dates wait for three months wait for five months wait for five months wait
for a year be that girl but don't think that by wait until the second date to put all the goodies
out makes you some kind of angel no it's just a date so don't think you're fooling anyone and you
know what if you're going to play that little second date wild animal truck stop mama thing
just do it on the first date get it over with okay
I mean, good Lord.
Yeah.
Do I even know what I'm talking about?
Maybe I don't.
You know what?
Maybe Dane Cook knows what I'm talking about.
Maybe Dane has the answers.
Let's get back to my good buddy, Mr. Dane Cook, in the studio with me.
God, you look, I don't know.
There's an oar about you today.
You look like half sexy and half like you want to wrestle like a cheetah.
What's going?
What are you?
You got a new cologne or something?
No, man.
And it's called eight hours of sleep.
That's what that's called baby.
You are glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife, meatloaf.
Oh, thank you so much.
God.
I live by the dashboard light.
Oh, wow.
It was long ago, and it was far away.
It was so much better than it is today.
Good.
Oh, right.
Great jinx.
You owe me a Coke.
Have you ever bought anything in bulk?
Yeah, I went to that store once, and I bought, like, literally 90 packets of toilet paper for, like, $7.
Oh, were you having a rough day?
I was having.
I had Mexican at the wrong place.
You've probably got the Mexican rate at the Costco.
You're a young, hot dude in Hollywood.
You have a special, well, I don't mean it in that way.
You're always going to be my like, you know, baseball buddy.
But in terms of...
When do we play baseball?
Well, later after this interview.
We've never talked about baseball.
You're wearing a baseball hat, so that matters.
You're my frisbee friend.
Oh, my God.
I'm so scared.
Do you have a
Do you have a special or favorite little thing you do
When you're your little love making
I mean there's the doggy style
I do the bionic seahorse
Wow
Whoa
I thought that was not since the 70s
How does that baby work?
Well I like to bang retro
You know what I mean
I'll throw on a barracuda jacket
You know what I mean
Maybe some Z cabareachis
Oh
What was it the bionic sea horse?
Do you got to, like, put cream on or anything for that?
Well, as you know, if you're familiar with the seahorse life,
the males are the only creature on earth that can get pregnant.
Oh, no.
That's all I'm going to say about that.
Are you pregnant?
I'm not going to divulge anything at this point,
but just a male seahorse is the only creature on earth of male origin that can get pregnant.
And so, yeah, I'm dancing with the devil a little bit,
but it's a great position, and it feels fantastic.
Oh, we're getting the scoop here on the Harlan Highway.
Dan Cook and I, we're going to go right now and get Dane an ultrasound
because I have a feeling it's going to be the sound of running scallops in the near future.
Oh, God, I'm going to stop it there.
I'm having too much fun with Dane, man.
The bionic, what was it, Seahorse?
Oh, I hope Dane's not pregnant, but stick around.
You'll find out, and we're going to do some more with Dane in a few minutes.
right after this exciting thing
with some other celebrities that aren't Dane.
Oh, man, what a beautiful day.
And when I say beautiful day,
I mean, what a beautiful day to go to the races.
And I'm not talking about the horse races, people.
I'm talking about the Harland Highway racetrack
where, yes, we indeed do have magnificent competitive racing,
but we don't put horses out on the track.
That's much too boring.
What we have here on the Harlan Highway is celebrity racing.
Okay, we get some of the finest thoroughbred celebrities out there,
and we throw them out on the track, and we just open the gate and watch them go.
We have our fabulous commentator, Charles Parsley.
Here he is at the gate.
The race is about to begin.
Let's hand it over to Charles Parsley.
Good evening, ladies.
gentlemen i'm charles parsley welcome to the harland highway race truck here today where we have a marvelous
race lined up for you we are brusely in gate one we have michael jackson donald trump and george michael in
the end gate they're lining up there's a lot of anticipation in the air they should be a fabulous race
here we go there's a bit of jostling in the in the gate there someone giving the eye it looks like
michael jackson giving the eye to george michael and there they go they're off
They're off. They're running down the freighted straight away.
It looks like Michael Jackson is out in the lead, almost skipping and prancing down the fairway.
Here comes, here comes Bruce Lee up behind him. Bruce Lee has just drop-kicked Michael Jackson in the back of the neck.
Michael Jackson is down and has just flipped him off with a gloved finger.
Here comes Donald Trump, Donald Trump coming around the first bend.
Donald trumped in a $3,000 shoot and leather penny loafers making headway.
He just passed Bruce Lee.
Donald Trump making a grab for the front of the run.
Here comes George Michael.
George Michael run it.
Wait a minute.
George Michael has run up into the stands.
He's gone into the men's room.
George Michael is in the men's room where he's relieving himself.
And oh my goodness, it looks like he's relieving a couple of other gentlemen too.
Now back down on the track.
Bruce Lee has ran back and drop-kick Michael Jackson right in the groin.
Jackson not having any of it.
He starts moving backwards.
Michael Jackson moonwalking backwards down the track.
Bruce Lee chopping him repeatedly in the face.
Oh, Michael Jackson, nose just came off.
And here comes Donald Trump.
Donald Trump, he's making, that way he's coming past Bruce Lee.
He passes Bruce Lee and Michael Jackson, and Donald Trump has tripped on his $3,000 penny loafers.
It looks like he's fallen down and he can't get up.
But wait a minute, it looks like Donald Trump's hair.
Donald Trump's hair has run off the top of his head.
Donald Trump's hair is galloping down the track in full speed.
He's pulled ahead of everyone.
and now here comes
George Michael
George Michael out of the restroom
he looks sweaty
and he looks like he's spent
but he makes his way back
onto the track toilet paper
unstuck in his shoe
here comes George Michael
he stops at the middle of the track
and starts dancing
he's dancing with Michael Jackson
it looks like they're doing a careless whisper
here comes Bruce Lee
he's doing a car wheel in the air
it looks like Bruce Lee's about to take it
here he comes for wait a minute
here comes Donald Trump's hair
Donald Trump's hair coming up the back side
And it looks like, yes, yes, it's going to be a fun of it.
It's Donald Trump's hair crossing the finish line.
Donald Trump's hair taking it right at the end.
A fabulous celebrity race here at the Holland Highway Racetrack.
I'm Charles Parsley, and we'll see you next time.
Good luck and happy racing.
Harlan, you are the beef stroganoff of radio.
I am?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Like, I'm creamy?
You're a creamy delight.
Oh.
And being here is, it's like, it's like super Christmas, not just regular Christmas, but super Christmas.
We've been friends a long time, you and I.
We worked for many years at the comedy clubs here in Hollywood.
We did.
I got to see you go from, this is a fact they kind of, when you first got to town, they put you on kind of the late night shows.
True.
And those are hard.
They put you on the midnight show, and Dane would come on and tear it up.
And then you just kept getting better and better and better.
look at you now. That's because
of the time I spent with you where we would, remember
we would sit Indian style and we would
crochet and you would say such
positive affirmations. You know, I still
have the blanket that you crocheted me.
I sleep with it every night with the John
Deere logo. I have the candy necklace
that you gave me once. And every
March 18th, my birthday, I eat one
little piece as
a remembrance of what you and I are. Now there's
things I don't know about you after all
these years. And things I don't know about you and
like fun facts that I'd love to learn.
Now, one thing I don't know about you, you've got a sexy-ass scar on your eyebrow.
And I don't know if you've been attacked by a bear or you got hit by a coffee table.
Well, tell me about this scar.
About 10 years ago, the U.S. government was testing a new laser satellite system.
Oh, boy.
And they had it on a very low setting.
Okay.
And they targeted me.
From where?
Apparently somewhere like NORAD, the main base.
And then it was in orbit, the satellite.
Okay.
And they hit a button and it zapped me right above the eyebrow.
Oh, God.
It singed me and it left me with this deep, deep gash right here.
But I did get a letter of apology.
You did.
And they waived my taxes that year.
I did not have to pay taxes.
Oh, nice.
And where were you when this laser attack took place?
I was at Orange Julius.
Oh, my God.
I knew that place was dangerous.
Yeah.
And anytime I see somebody drinking a banana shana,
I get very sad.
Oh.
You know what?
Here's the message from that.
If you're going to Orange Julius, wear a helmet, people.
Really?
All right, your turn.
And what can I tell you about me that you might not know?
Halloween?
What do you like to do for Halloween?
You ever carved pumpkins?
I have carved pumpkins, yeah, from time to time.
Okay.
You ever carve a pumpkin of an ass, like ass cheeks?
Not yet.
You haven't done...
Well, this is what you do this year.
Carve, instead of a face, carve a pumpkin with ass cheeks.
Okay.
Carved the little hole, and you light the candle inside,
and it looks like you got a glowing hole on your front lawn.
Last year, I carved a pumpkin of John Rassenberger.
John Rastonberger. He sounds like a government official.
He played Cliff Clavin on Cheers.
Okay.
All right. Final thing with you, you like to wear the scruff a lot.
You get that cool, unshaven look.
What's going on, buddy?
I'm just lazy.
Laisiness?
Yeah, it's not a cool thing as much.
which is, you know, shaving every day is, it's arduous.
Yeah.
It's arduous because I have very sensitive skin.
Okay.
Sometimes I drag that razor and my brain starts wandering because, you know, we're dreamers, you and I.
Yeah.
And if I start dreaming something aggressive, then I don't want to dig into the skin.
So I shave every 10 days.
It's cool, though.
I like that look.
It's like if the world ended tomorrow, it's like the bombs went off and people were wandering around, you'd be ready to go.
I'd look good in a post-apocalyptic way.
Yeah, you're already there.
Oh, explosion of the mind.
Speaking of explosions, our little buddy in the NK, North Korea,
it looks like he tested a nuke.
The freak detonated a nuke, a nuclear bomb, people.
Do you really have to test a nuclear bomb?
Do you have to test it?
Like if you had an end-of-the-world bomb, you have to test it?
You know it's going to destroy everything around.
Uh, we're going to run a test, uh, just to make sure this thing can wreck everything.
Um, yeah.
And what are they doing testing it underground?
What are they testing to see if they can kill worms?
Oh, yeah, we got all the worms.
We kill every worm underground and no more worms.
We hate the worms.
Maybe Kim Jong-il is a mole hater.
Do get those moors. They chew up my front lawn. They leave holes.
Dig up all the dirt. We're going to blow up all the moors underground.
What about all the roots?
Trees? Carrots. Everything just getting fried underground.
Well, let's hope there's never an underground war because North Korea is going to win that one.
Oh, we know how to blow up underground so good.
We're going to blow up your underground. So you have nothing.
anything underground no more.
Yeah, real smart, buddy.
Make love, not war.
Draft beer,
not students. Remember those
old sayings?
Kim Jong-il.
Ill is right. He's ill
in the head.
Put the bombs away, you freak.
Don't drive through any tunnels
because you might not come out the other side.
Man, that is
scary the whole nuclear war thing man it is just scary what was the last time you were scared
anything scary happened to you lately how often do we really get scared anymore and i don't mean
like you're at the grocery store and you're like oh my god tomatoes have gone up two and a half
cents that's scary oh charles nelson riley no i mean like really
scared. You want to hear a scary story? Happened to me. I'm out in the desert shooting something
with my buddy, okay? We're out there shooting a video for a webisode I'm doing called the
Australian. And we're driving home. It's nighttime. It's raining. We're out in the middle of
nowhere, and I've got the high beams on, and there's no other vehicles in sight. We are
way out in the remote part of the desert.
There's a light rain coming down, and as we're driving along, I'm looking off into the front beams of my light,
and I see kind of a little pile of something up on the road ahead in my headlights.
And I thought, okay, it's a piece of garbage, it's a muffler, it's an old bag.
I get closer, and I can't really make out what it is.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
I get closer as I just driving up on it, it's a human body.
I am not even kidding you.
Me and my buddy were just like, whoa!
What the?
Did you just see that?
It was a human freaking body, okay?
It was on the other side of the road,
and this wasn't a big highway.
This was a two-lane road.
I was on one side.
There's the dotted line, and there's a human body laying there.
It was a male, and it came into,
you feet first. So I'm panning along the length of the body. So I go up the shoes, up the
legs, up the midsection. And when I get to the face, okay, it's like a guy. It's a white guy
and he's grinning at me. Okay? He's staring at me. Remember that movie Damien, the
Omen? Do you remember that horror movie?
I'm over here.
Damien, I love you.
Look at me, Damien.
It's all for you.
It's about the devil's son.
And at the very end of the movie,
the last shot of the movie,
it's the little boy at the church.
And Damien, who's the son of Satan,
turns around and grins at the camera and then smash cut to end credits it's a haunting
eerie sinister little look he gives to the camera well this guy laying on the road had that
similar look and his face was illuminated all the more because everything else was really dark
and he had this pasty white skin so i got a really good look and i first of all my body went into shock
when you see a human body out of context,
laying on the side of a rainy road
on a cold night in the desert.
It doesn't make sense.
It doesn't register.
My gut just dropped.
It scared the crap out of me.
And my buddy was like, what the hell, man?
He was terrified, too.
So I stopped the truck about 50 yards away,
and we just stop.
And the crickets are chirping,
and the wind is blowing,
and we're out in the middle of nowhere.
stars are flickering
and we're like
petrified there was like almost a moment of shock
and my buddy's like you saw it right you saw
there was a body there right and I said yeah yeah I saw it
and we're like freaking out I turn the truck around
I drive back like 50 40 yards
maybe less to where the body is
we get there no body
nothing there
okay this is a true
story. This is like a scene
right out of Halloween, the movie
Halloween. You know at the end of the movie
when she finally kills Michael
Myers and he's laying on the
ground? And she's like, what was
that? And the sheriff goes, that
was the boogeyman.
And you look out the window and the body's
gone and that music
starts, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do
I'm afraid death has come to your
tiny town sheriff.
So now we're even more scared, and I'm sitting there, and my buddy's, like, goes into the hills have eyes mode.
He's like, dude, let's get out of here.
This is a setup, man.
This is a setup.
They're going to get us.
And I'm like, dude, there was a human body laying there.
I got to at least, like, yell out.
I got to, so I rolled down my window and I'm yelling into the desert.
The night desert.
I'm like, hey, is anyone there?
Hello?
Are you okay?
Nothing.
Dude, is somebody there?
all of a sudden from way out in the middle of nowhere
in the bush of it
I hear
I'm like, are you okay?
I'm like, are you okay?
Some incoherent hills have eyes mutant
like yelling babble.
And I was like, you know what?
We're out of here.
I did my duty,
my moral duty to see if there was a human in distress
or injured.
And I was like, this is too creepy.
Who the hell lays on the road
at night, in the middle of the road
with the Damian omen grin on their face.
It was horrified.
So we just high-tailed it out of there.
And I got to say, my stomach was all jumpy
and full of butterflies.
So that was the last time I got scared.
And that was real recently.
That was like, you know, a month ago.
Wow.
But it's kind of exciting getting scared.
It kind of gives you a bit of a charge.
but this was like a real like horror movie scare what what that kid was doing i don't know
but i want to say oh he was he was playing a practical joke he was punking someone he was he was
having one on he was pulling one over us you got to remember we were out in the middle of the
desert it's very cold the desert gets cold at night especially in the winter months
okay
it was raining
there is nothing around
you could not even see
headlights in the darkness
if you looked either way
on this road we are on
there was nothing nobody
there's no lights from houses
empty
are you telling me some
kids going to go all the way out there
I don't even know how he got there
he's going to go all the way out there
on the off chance that a lone car comes by
and he's like I'm going to do a practical
blooper
and what's really funny or not funny is that I'm one of these guys I drive a truck
I drive a pickup truck and I like the power of a pickup truck and I like crunching things
I'm not even kidding when I'm driving around and I see a branch from a tree or a cardboard box
that's fallen off another vehicle or anything I like to drive I aim for it I like crunching stuff
I like running over, you know, inanimate objects.
I like the feel of crunching stuff.
It makes me laugh, makes me feel good.
Makes me feel macho.
Hey, man, I'm going to crunch that cardboard box up there.
I'm the man.
So what I'm saying is this kid who went out in the middle of nowhere in the desert to punk somebody,
if that's what he was doing,
picked the wrong guy to do it to because I seriously was kind of looking at this matter.
ass on the road thinking, ooh, do I have something I can crunch?
Little did I know it would be a human body?
Can you imagine the lighting and the darkness?
And I didn't realize it was a human body until after the crunch king had crunched it?
Then what kind of horror movie would I be in?
So I don't know what this guy was doing out there, man.
It was creepy.
It was scary.
and that's all I'm going to say about it.
Maybe you can write to me at harlunwilms.com
or call the number on the website.
Tell me one of your scary stories.
And while you're on the website,
be sure to pick up tickets for my stand-up comedy appearance
on January 21st, 22nd, and 23rd.
I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah,
at a club called Wise Guys, it's in Odgan,
Odgin, Utah, Salt Lake City, January 21, 22, 23.
And if you don't live there, tell a friend, call a friend,
or anyone who lives in that area,
because they deserve to laugh.
And if you don't tell them to come see me and laugh,
then shame on you for holding back on your friends and your family.
send them out to wise guys January 21 2223 you can order tickets right online at harlom williams.com
just go to my comedy schedule or call the club 801 463 2909 801 463 2909
um because uh that's that's how i do it man it's word of mouth gets people out and keeps me
out there bringing the funny to the folks um i want to thank my guest dane cook for being on the show
today how much fun did we have uh i love dane i'm so happy to see uh how well he's done
watching him uh go from starting out to where he's at today i love that kind of story and
uh dane has earned it and he's a great guy so thank you dane and uh i hope we see you again
or hear you again, whatever you do to get this podcast,
whether you put your ear on it or your eyes on your computer or whatever you do.
I'm so happy you join me on the Harland Highway,
and we'll see you next time on the Harlan Highway,
and if you see a body laying on the Harlan Highway,
make sure you don't crunch it, stick to your own lane,
and until then, it's Chicken Chow.
Maine, baby.