The Harland Highway - Podcast 62 - Guest Dane Cook

Episode Date: January 20, 2010

Today Comedian Dane Cook drops in for some giggles, also first date holdouts, Korean nukes, more celebrity races, and a real scary story that happened to me! Get the marshmallows kids, it's nut job ti...me! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Oh, my gosh, what a show. And I'm going to get to it fast here, man, because I just want to get into it. It's going to be so fun, so cool. We are going to be talking about girls and dating and girls that are first-timers, if you know what I mean, and girls that save it till the second date. We're going to be talking about nuclear weapons.
Starting point is 00:00:23 Our old friends in North Korea have been testing weapons. We're going to go to the celebrity race. track, and we're going to watch some celebrities race around the track. And speaking of celebrities, my friend Dane Cook, actor-comedian Dane Cook, will be dropping by the studio today, and we're going to have some great laughs, some great conversations, and it's going to be so good at scary. And speaking of scary, when was the last time you were really terrified? Really scared.
Starting point is 00:00:56 Wait till I tell you the story that happened just recently. to me. It's almost hard to believe, but scared the bejes out of me. We're going to get into that. But don't you be scared. Be happy that you're here. You ready to do it? Come on, everybody. Let's go. It's the Harlan Highway. Let's do it. This is Harland Williams. Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harlan Williams. You're rolling down the Harlan Highway at 100 miles an hour.
Starting point is 00:01:39 And we're going a little faster today because we have a hot shot with us. We've got a wild cat who likes to prowl through the jungle. It's Mr. Dane Cook is here. Howdy, Dane? Harlan, I'm feeling fantastic. This is one of the most comfortable chairs I've ever sat in during an interview. So I want to thank you for that. Really?
Starting point is 00:01:56 You like leather? Do you like cows in general? I do enjoy cows. Why do you like cows? There's something about, there's almost like a mystique about them. Really? What do you mean? Like some people look at a cow and they just see like a slab of meat.
Starting point is 00:02:10 But I really look into their eyes. Oh, really? One of my favorite films is City Slickers. And if you remember, a Norman, I think was the calf that Billy Crystal birthed. And that was my favorite character in the film. Because I felt a kinship. Oh. Someone told me once you were driving through the country slammed on your brain,
Starting point is 00:02:29 breaks, ran out into a field and punched a cow in the face. That is not true. That's not true? No, the story went like this. Oh. I was driving through a leafy glay. A glay? Yeah, it's similar to a countryside, but it's a leafy glay.
Starting point is 00:02:41 I haven't heard that word years. And what happened in the glay? I did slam on my brakes, true. And I jumped out, and I ran to the cow, and I hugged the cow. Oh. I did not knock the cow. Everybody said that, and there was another rumor that I head butted the cow. But no, I gave him a big, a big, big hug, and I told the cow that I just, I cared about it.
Starting point is 00:02:58 Oh, you're a lot. lover, not a hater. Oh, seductive. Well, listen, we were talking earlier about the stand-up circuit. Yeah. 16 years for me. How long have you been playing the game? I think it's 20 for me, man. My lord, and you still look like your
Starting point is 00:03:13 32-year-old. I know. What are you doing? I'm like one of the only vampire comedians on the circuit. I suck blood and eat pomegranate oil. But we did something once. We were here in Hollywood at the laugh factory and we teamed up one night and got into a little hijinks. Do you want to tell them about it?
Starting point is 00:03:33 Okay, so the Laugh Factory at the time, it had a stage with two double doors behind the stage and there was like a really thin stairway that you could actually get behind the double doors while a comic was performing. So essentially you could walk through the doors and be on stage with a comic. If you were a thin comic. You'd have to be very thin. Yeah, if that comic couldn't get down those stairs. Anybody over a buck 90 wasn't going to get down those stairs. Yeah. And I'm Sveld. I'm dancing around 170 constantly. Shvelt? Yeah. What is, what do you say earlier, the glade or something? A leafy glay. A glay and a schveldt? You've never heard of a leafy glay? What? Are you Polish? I'm putting my shirt back on. Oh my God. These words, you're spaffled. So
Starting point is 00:04:20 anyways. I have a wide vernacular. Oh, there's another one. You have a wide vernacular? Are you related to John Williams? My father's name is John Williams When Dade pulled up to my house today He got on the call box He's like, I'm here for John Williams And I'm like, how does he know my dad's hiding in the root cellar? So anyways, what happened is you snuck behind the stage. I'm on stage doing my bit
Starting point is 00:04:46 And we planned it That you were going to come through those doors While I was doing my act doing what? I was going to kick the doors open And I was going to be completely nude except I was going to have my bits and pieces is that what we roll with?
Starting point is 00:05:02 Your wonder chunks. My hijinks. Yeah. Your hairy glave or whatever it's called. Leafy clay. Your leafy glay. Your merang.
Starting point is 00:05:12 My chicklets. My clacker balls. I was going to tuck them and I was going to do a little bit of an homage to silence of the lamps during your routine, your repertoire. Is that technically when you stick your stick your
Starting point is 00:05:26 stuff back through your legs, does that technically become the Bermuda Triangle? Is that what you call it? Sure. Okay, good. And we did that, and it was a perfect, it was that perfect crowd reaction of, like, uncomfortable, ooh, but, like, they were laughing. Some of the girls went a little nutty for you, though. And here's how it happened.
Starting point is 00:05:44 We set it up that before Dan came up, I was doing my routine, and the cue was, and I said this to a guy in the crowd, I go, sir, there's about as much chance of that happening as Dane Cook coming through that back door naked with his stuff tucked between his legs. That is absolutely what you said. And I said it, and you came out right on cue. I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I was out there with you.
Starting point is 00:06:07 It was a beautiful thing. And then also, as a gift to you during the next segment, I'm going to give you a spa-style facial and a Shiazhu deep tissue massage. Oh, my God. Do you have any hot stones? I'm going to bring him in. I got him in the car. Oh, you're a wonder treat.
Starting point is 00:06:23 I'm a little. I'm a fan, John Williams. Yeah, you're a Star Wars theme to you, my friend. We'll be right back here on the Harlan Highway with Dane Cook. Canada will submit. Hello? Hi, this is the United States of America calling. I beg your pardon?
Starting point is 00:06:50 United States of America, the most powerful country in the whole world. Oh, really? I need you to stand on one leg. Yeah? Jump up and down and whistle. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is that all?
Starting point is 00:07:05 And maybe thing row, row, row your boat. Oh, yeah. What country is this? Pardon me? What country is this? What country? Yeah. India.
Starting point is 00:07:20 This is the United States of America. Uh-huh. I need you to stand on one leg, jump up and down, and whistle. What are you sailing? Power. The most powerful country in the world. What are you sailing? Power.
Starting point is 00:07:41 Start whistling. Where are you calling from? The United States of America. The most powerful country in the world. Well, it's a big country. We're a boats. The U.S. of A. Washington, D.C.
Starting point is 00:07:55 Oh, I see. Now stand on one leg. Oh, yeah? And jump up and down. Oh, I've already done that. And let me hear your whistle. Yeah, I've already done that. I didn't hear the whistling.
Starting point is 00:08:10 Hello? It's just the night. Hello! Oh, God bless the United States of America, boys and girls. God bless the ladies, too. For the dating guys out there, man, the dating guys, have you ever run into this dilemma? You go out on a date with a girl.
Starting point is 00:08:45 First date, it's really steaming up, hot and heavy, all this suggestive innuendo going around, you know, the playful patter, the interaction, the dialogue. And it's pretty much a given that it's going to happen. And when I say it's going to happen, you know what I mean, the nasty, okay? You're at a point in your dating life where you're like a good umpire to baseball game. You've got the signals down, okay? You know by the eye movements, the body language, the way she's crossing her legs, the flirtatious giggles, the touching on the arm.
Starting point is 00:09:27 You pretty much know that it's there. You've both signed off. She's like, yep, he's acceptable to hump. And you're like, yep, she's acceptable to hump. So everything happens on that date but the humping. Like, you're like, wait a minute. All the signals were there. everything was right, according to the handbook of first date,
Starting point is 00:09:52 Humping etiquette, it was all supposed to happen, but somehow in those final moments when you dropped her off or you were bringing her home, she put the brakes on. And you're like, wow, what the hell? That, wait, I thought, but you said, and then I, it's we had a silent agreement that you're like wow okay so then you know your curiosity is peaked and you're like well now i got to go on the second date right because you're like it's it's there it's there so you go on the second date and on the second date she puts out the
Starting point is 00:10:34 buffet platter everything happens everything you dreamed of everything that you thought was going to happen on that first date happens. And you're like, wow, that was amazing. But then you're like, wait a minute, why didn't all this stuff happen on the first date? I mean, it's all right here on the second date. It's only like a date difference. And then you go, oh, wait a minute. This is one of those girls that's like, oh, I don't do that on the first date. What kind of girl do you think I am? I'm not that kind of girl I'm not going to do nasty, violent
Starting point is 00:11:13 crazy uninhibited sex with a perfect near stranger on the first date that's just unruly immoral unsanitary and I just won't do it
Starting point is 00:11:26 that's not who I am but I'll tell you what you take me on a second date and we'll do it that it's just one day difference you know on the first date i'm just an angel but the second date look out i'm a truck driving mama hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have
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Starting point is 00:12:48 This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, honestly, girls, do you think that by saving it to the second date, somehow we raise you up on a pedestal? Do you think guys are like, oh, my God, oh my God, I can't believe it. She waited until the second date. What an angel. What a, maybe she was a virgin.
Starting point is 00:13:29 Who waits to the second date? what a how does she have the courage and the the stamina and the how does she have the resistance how did she wait a whole date okay if you're going to be that girl that's like mrs puritanical and you know i've got the mojo to hold off you know what i mean like wait for about 12 dates wait for three months wait for five months wait for five months wait for a year be that girl but don't think that by wait until the second date to put all the goodies out makes you some kind of angel no it's just a date so don't think you're fooling anyone and you know what if you're going to play that little second date wild animal truck stop mama thing
Starting point is 00:14:25 just do it on the first date get it over with okay I mean, good Lord. Yeah. Do I even know what I'm talking about? Maybe I don't. You know what? Maybe Dane Cook knows what I'm talking about. Maybe Dane has the answers.
Starting point is 00:14:44 Let's get back to my good buddy, Mr. Dane Cook, in the studio with me. God, you look, I don't know. There's an oar about you today. You look like half sexy and half like you want to wrestle like a cheetah. What's going? What are you? You got a new cologne or something? No, man.
Starting point is 00:15:01 And it's called eight hours of sleep. That's what that's called baby. You are glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife, meatloaf. Oh, thank you so much. God. I live by the dashboard light. Oh, wow. It was long ago, and it was far away.
Starting point is 00:15:13 It was so much better than it is today. Good. Oh, right. Great jinx. You owe me a Coke. Have you ever bought anything in bulk? Yeah, I went to that store once, and I bought, like, literally 90 packets of toilet paper for, like, $7. Oh, were you having a rough day?
Starting point is 00:15:30 I was having. I had Mexican at the wrong place. You've probably got the Mexican rate at the Costco. You're a young, hot dude in Hollywood. You have a special, well, I don't mean it in that way. You're always going to be my like, you know, baseball buddy. But in terms of... When do we play baseball?
Starting point is 00:15:48 Well, later after this interview. We've never talked about baseball. You're wearing a baseball hat, so that matters. You're my frisbee friend. Oh, my God. I'm so scared. Do you have a Do you have a special or favorite little thing you do
Starting point is 00:16:04 When you're your little love making I mean there's the doggy style I do the bionic seahorse Wow Whoa I thought that was not since the 70s How does that baby work? Well I like to bang retro
Starting point is 00:16:19 You know what I mean I'll throw on a barracuda jacket You know what I mean Maybe some Z cabareachis Oh What was it the bionic sea horse? Do you got to, like, put cream on or anything for that? Well, as you know, if you're familiar with the seahorse life,
Starting point is 00:16:36 the males are the only creature on earth that can get pregnant. Oh, no. That's all I'm going to say about that. Are you pregnant? I'm not going to divulge anything at this point, but just a male seahorse is the only creature on earth of male origin that can get pregnant. And so, yeah, I'm dancing with the devil a little bit, but it's a great position, and it feels fantastic.
Starting point is 00:16:55 Oh, we're getting the scoop here on the Harlan Highway. Dan Cook and I, we're going to go right now and get Dane an ultrasound because I have a feeling it's going to be the sound of running scallops in the near future. Oh, God, I'm going to stop it there. I'm having too much fun with Dane, man. The bionic, what was it, Seahorse? Oh, I hope Dane's not pregnant, but stick around. You'll find out, and we're going to do some more with Dane in a few minutes.
Starting point is 00:17:29 right after this exciting thing with some other celebrities that aren't Dane. Oh, man, what a beautiful day. And when I say beautiful day, I mean, what a beautiful day to go to the races. And I'm not talking about the horse races, people. I'm talking about the Harland Highway racetrack where, yes, we indeed do have magnificent competitive racing,
Starting point is 00:17:53 but we don't put horses out on the track. That's much too boring. What we have here on the Harlan Highway is celebrity racing. Okay, we get some of the finest thoroughbred celebrities out there, and we throw them out on the track, and we just open the gate and watch them go. We have our fabulous commentator, Charles Parsley. Here he is at the gate. The race is about to begin.
Starting point is 00:18:20 Let's hand it over to Charles Parsley. Good evening, ladies. gentlemen i'm charles parsley welcome to the harland highway race truck here today where we have a marvelous race lined up for you we are brusely in gate one we have michael jackson donald trump and george michael in the end gate they're lining up there's a lot of anticipation in the air they should be a fabulous race here we go there's a bit of jostling in the in the gate there someone giving the eye it looks like michael jackson giving the eye to george michael and there they go they're off They're off. They're running down the freighted straight away.
Starting point is 00:19:00 It looks like Michael Jackson is out in the lead, almost skipping and prancing down the fairway. Here comes, here comes Bruce Lee up behind him. Bruce Lee has just drop-kicked Michael Jackson in the back of the neck. Michael Jackson is down and has just flipped him off with a gloved finger. Here comes Donald Trump, Donald Trump coming around the first bend. Donald trumped in a $3,000 shoot and leather penny loafers making headway. He just passed Bruce Lee. Donald Trump making a grab for the front of the run. Here comes George Michael.
Starting point is 00:19:31 George Michael run it. Wait a minute. George Michael has run up into the stands. He's gone into the men's room. George Michael is in the men's room where he's relieving himself. And oh my goodness, it looks like he's relieving a couple of other gentlemen too. Now back down on the track. Bruce Lee has ran back and drop-kick Michael Jackson right in the groin.
Starting point is 00:19:49 Jackson not having any of it. He starts moving backwards. Michael Jackson moonwalking backwards down the track. Bruce Lee chopping him repeatedly in the face. Oh, Michael Jackson, nose just came off. And here comes Donald Trump. Donald Trump, he's making, that way he's coming past Bruce Lee. He passes Bruce Lee and Michael Jackson, and Donald Trump has tripped on his $3,000 penny loafers.
Starting point is 00:20:11 It looks like he's fallen down and he can't get up. But wait a minute, it looks like Donald Trump's hair. Donald Trump's hair has run off the top of his head. Donald Trump's hair is galloping down the track in full speed. He's pulled ahead of everyone. and now here comes George Michael George Michael out of the restroom
Starting point is 00:20:29 he looks sweaty and he looks like he's spent but he makes his way back onto the track toilet paper unstuck in his shoe here comes George Michael he stops at the middle of the track and starts dancing
Starting point is 00:20:40 he's dancing with Michael Jackson it looks like they're doing a careless whisper here comes Bruce Lee he's doing a car wheel in the air it looks like Bruce Lee's about to take it here he comes for wait a minute here comes Donald Trump's hair Donald Trump's hair coming up the back side
Starting point is 00:20:55 And it looks like, yes, yes, it's going to be a fun of it. It's Donald Trump's hair crossing the finish line. Donald Trump's hair taking it right at the end. A fabulous celebrity race here at the Holland Highway Racetrack. I'm Charles Parsley, and we'll see you next time. Good luck and happy racing. Harlan, you are the beef stroganoff of radio. I am?
Starting point is 00:21:20 Yeah. What does that mean? Like, I'm creamy? You're a creamy delight. Oh. And being here is, it's like, it's like super Christmas, not just regular Christmas, but super Christmas. We've been friends a long time, you and I. We worked for many years at the comedy clubs here in Hollywood.
Starting point is 00:21:36 We did. I got to see you go from, this is a fact they kind of, when you first got to town, they put you on kind of the late night shows. True. And those are hard. They put you on the midnight show, and Dane would come on and tear it up. And then you just kept getting better and better and better. look at you now. That's because of the time I spent with you where we would, remember
Starting point is 00:21:58 we would sit Indian style and we would crochet and you would say such positive affirmations. You know, I still have the blanket that you crocheted me. I sleep with it every night with the John Deere logo. I have the candy necklace that you gave me once. And every March 18th, my birthday, I eat one
Starting point is 00:22:14 little piece as a remembrance of what you and I are. Now there's things I don't know about you after all these years. And things I don't know about you and like fun facts that I'd love to learn. Now, one thing I don't know about you, you've got a sexy-ass scar on your eyebrow. And I don't know if you've been attacked by a bear or you got hit by a coffee table. Well, tell me about this scar.
Starting point is 00:22:37 About 10 years ago, the U.S. government was testing a new laser satellite system. Oh, boy. And they had it on a very low setting. Okay. And they targeted me. From where? Apparently somewhere like NORAD, the main base. And then it was in orbit, the satellite.
Starting point is 00:22:54 Okay. And they hit a button and it zapped me right above the eyebrow. Oh, God. It singed me and it left me with this deep, deep gash right here. But I did get a letter of apology. You did. And they waived my taxes that year. I did not have to pay taxes.
Starting point is 00:23:09 Oh, nice. And where were you when this laser attack took place? I was at Orange Julius. Oh, my God. I knew that place was dangerous. Yeah. And anytime I see somebody drinking a banana shana, I get very sad.
Starting point is 00:23:25 Oh. You know what? Here's the message from that. If you're going to Orange Julius, wear a helmet, people. Really? All right, your turn. And what can I tell you about me that you might not know? Halloween?
Starting point is 00:23:36 What do you like to do for Halloween? You ever carved pumpkins? I have carved pumpkins, yeah, from time to time. Okay. You ever carve a pumpkin of an ass, like ass cheeks? Not yet. You haven't done... Well, this is what you do this year.
Starting point is 00:23:50 Carve, instead of a face, carve a pumpkin with ass cheeks. Okay. Carved the little hole, and you light the candle inside, and it looks like you got a glowing hole on your front lawn. Last year, I carved a pumpkin of John Rassenberger. John Rastonberger. He sounds like a government official. He played Cliff Clavin on Cheers. Okay.
Starting point is 00:24:12 All right. Final thing with you, you like to wear the scruff a lot. You get that cool, unshaven look. What's going on, buddy? I'm just lazy. Laisiness? Yeah, it's not a cool thing as much. which is, you know, shaving every day is, it's arduous. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:26 It's arduous because I have very sensitive skin. Okay. Sometimes I drag that razor and my brain starts wandering because, you know, we're dreamers, you and I. Yeah. And if I start dreaming something aggressive, then I don't want to dig into the skin. So I shave every 10 days. It's cool, though. I like that look.
Starting point is 00:24:43 It's like if the world ended tomorrow, it's like the bombs went off and people were wandering around, you'd be ready to go. I'd look good in a post-apocalyptic way. Yeah, you're already there. Oh, explosion of the mind. Speaking of explosions, our little buddy in the NK, North Korea, it looks like he tested a nuke. The freak detonated a nuke, a nuclear bomb, people. Do you really have to test a nuclear bomb?
Starting point is 00:25:16 Do you have to test it? Like if you had an end-of-the-world bomb, you have to test it? You know it's going to destroy everything around. Uh, we're going to run a test, uh, just to make sure this thing can wreck everything. Um, yeah. And what are they doing testing it underground? What are they testing to see if they can kill worms? Oh, yeah, we got all the worms.
Starting point is 00:25:42 We kill every worm underground and no more worms. We hate the worms. Maybe Kim Jong-il is a mole hater. Do get those moors. They chew up my front lawn. They leave holes. Dig up all the dirt. We're going to blow up all the moors underground. What about all the roots? Trees? Carrots. Everything just getting fried underground. Well, let's hope there's never an underground war because North Korea is going to win that one.
Starting point is 00:26:14 Oh, we know how to blow up underground so good. We're going to blow up your underground. So you have nothing. anything underground no more. Yeah, real smart, buddy. Make love, not war. Draft beer, not students. Remember those old sayings?
Starting point is 00:26:33 Kim Jong-il. Ill is right. He's ill in the head. Put the bombs away, you freak. Don't drive through any tunnels because you might not come out the other side. Man, that is scary the whole nuclear war thing man it is just scary what was the last time you were scared
Starting point is 00:26:58 anything scary happened to you lately how often do we really get scared anymore and i don't mean like you're at the grocery store and you're like oh my god tomatoes have gone up two and a half cents that's scary oh charles nelson riley no i mean like really scared. You want to hear a scary story? Happened to me. I'm out in the desert shooting something with my buddy, okay? We're out there shooting a video for a webisode I'm doing called the Australian. And we're driving home. It's nighttime. It's raining. We're out in the middle of nowhere, and I've got the high beams on, and there's no other vehicles in sight. We are way out in the remote part of the desert.
Starting point is 00:27:51 There's a light rain coming down, and as we're driving along, I'm looking off into the front beams of my light, and I see kind of a little pile of something up on the road ahead in my headlights. And I thought, okay, it's a piece of garbage, it's a muffler, it's an old bag. I get closer, and I can't really make out what it is. We're in the middle of nowhere. I get closer as I just driving up on it, it's a human body. I am not even kidding you. Me and my buddy were just like, whoa!
Starting point is 00:28:27 What the? Did you just see that? It was a human freaking body, okay? It was on the other side of the road, and this wasn't a big highway. This was a two-lane road. I was on one side. There's the dotted line, and there's a human body laying there.
Starting point is 00:28:43 It was a male, and it came into, you feet first. So I'm panning along the length of the body. So I go up the shoes, up the legs, up the midsection. And when I get to the face, okay, it's like a guy. It's a white guy and he's grinning at me. Okay? He's staring at me. Remember that movie Damien, the Omen? Do you remember that horror movie? I'm over here. Damien, I love you. Look at me, Damien.
Starting point is 00:29:25 It's all for you. It's about the devil's son. And at the very end of the movie, the last shot of the movie, it's the little boy at the church. And Damien, who's the son of Satan, turns around and grins at the camera and then smash cut to end credits it's a haunting eerie sinister little look he gives to the camera well this guy laying on the road had that
Starting point is 00:30:01 similar look and his face was illuminated all the more because everything else was really dark and he had this pasty white skin so i got a really good look and i first of all my body went into shock when you see a human body out of context, laying on the side of a rainy road on a cold night in the desert. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't register. My gut just dropped.
Starting point is 00:30:28 It scared the crap out of me. And my buddy was like, what the hell, man? He was terrified, too. So I stopped the truck about 50 yards away, and we just stop. And the crickets are chirping, and the wind is blowing, and we're out in the middle of nowhere.
Starting point is 00:30:45 stars are flickering and we're like petrified there was like almost a moment of shock and my buddy's like you saw it right you saw there was a body there right and I said yeah yeah I saw it and we're like freaking out I turn the truck around I drive back like 50 40 yards maybe less to where the body is
Starting point is 00:31:08 we get there no body nothing there okay this is a true story. This is like a scene right out of Halloween, the movie Halloween. You know at the end of the movie when she finally kills Michael Myers and he's laying on the
Starting point is 00:31:25 ground? And she's like, what was that? And the sheriff goes, that was the boogeyman. And you look out the window and the body's gone and that music starts, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do I'm afraid death has come to your tiny town sheriff.
Starting point is 00:31:45 So now we're even more scared, and I'm sitting there, and my buddy's, like, goes into the hills have eyes mode. He's like, dude, let's get out of here. This is a setup, man. This is a setup. They're going to get us. And I'm like, dude, there was a human body laying there. I got to at least, like, yell out. I got to, so I rolled down my window and I'm yelling into the desert.
Starting point is 00:32:04 The night desert. I'm like, hey, is anyone there? Hello? Are you okay? Nothing. Dude, is somebody there? all of a sudden from way out in the middle of nowhere in the bush of it
Starting point is 00:32:16 I hear I'm like, are you okay? I'm like, are you okay? Some incoherent hills have eyes mutant like yelling babble. And I was like, you know what? We're out of here. I did my duty,
Starting point is 00:32:33 my moral duty to see if there was a human in distress or injured. And I was like, this is too creepy. Who the hell lays on the road at night, in the middle of the road with the Damian omen grin on their face. It was horrified. So we just high-tailed it out of there.
Starting point is 00:32:53 And I got to say, my stomach was all jumpy and full of butterflies. So that was the last time I got scared. And that was real recently. That was like, you know, a month ago. Wow. But it's kind of exciting getting scared. It kind of gives you a bit of a charge.
Starting point is 00:33:11 but this was like a real like horror movie scare what what that kid was doing i don't know but i want to say oh he was he was playing a practical joke he was punking someone he was he was having one on he was pulling one over us you got to remember we were out in the middle of the desert it's very cold the desert gets cold at night especially in the winter months okay it was raining there is nothing around you could not even see
Starting point is 00:33:46 headlights in the darkness if you looked either way on this road we are on there was nothing nobody there's no lights from houses empty are you telling me some kids going to go all the way out there
Starting point is 00:33:59 I don't even know how he got there he's going to go all the way out there on the off chance that a lone car comes by and he's like I'm going to do a practical blooper and what's really funny or not funny is that I'm one of these guys I drive a truck I drive a pickup truck and I like the power of a pickup truck and I like crunching things I'm not even kidding when I'm driving around and I see a branch from a tree or a cardboard box
Starting point is 00:34:29 that's fallen off another vehicle or anything I like to drive I aim for it I like crunching stuff I like running over, you know, inanimate objects. I like the feel of crunching stuff. It makes me laugh, makes me feel good. Makes me feel macho. Hey, man, I'm going to crunch that cardboard box up there. I'm the man. So what I'm saying is this kid who went out in the middle of nowhere in the desert to punk somebody,
Starting point is 00:35:00 if that's what he was doing, picked the wrong guy to do it to because I seriously was kind of looking at this matter. ass on the road thinking, ooh, do I have something I can crunch? Little did I know it would be a human body? Can you imagine the lighting and the darkness? And I didn't realize it was a human body until after the crunch king had crunched it? Then what kind of horror movie would I be in? So I don't know what this guy was doing out there, man.
Starting point is 00:35:34 It was creepy. It was scary. and that's all I'm going to say about it. Maybe you can write to me at harlunwilms.com or call the number on the website. Tell me one of your scary stories. And while you're on the website, be sure to pick up tickets for my stand-up comedy appearance
Starting point is 00:35:58 on January 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah, at a club called Wise Guys, it's in Odgan, Odgin, Utah, Salt Lake City, January 21, 22, 23. And if you don't live there, tell a friend, call a friend, or anyone who lives in that area, because they deserve to laugh. And if you don't tell them to come see me and laugh,
Starting point is 00:36:27 then shame on you for holding back on your friends and your family. send them out to wise guys January 21 2223 you can order tickets right online at harlom williams.com just go to my comedy schedule or call the club 801 463 2909 801 463 2909 um because uh that's that's how i do it man it's word of mouth gets people out and keeps me out there bringing the funny to the folks um i want to thank my guest dane cook for being on the show today how much fun did we have uh i love dane i'm so happy to see uh how well he's done watching him uh go from starting out to where he's at today i love that kind of story and uh dane has earned it and he's a great guy so thank you dane and uh i hope we see you again
Starting point is 00:37:31 or hear you again, whatever you do to get this podcast, whether you put your ear on it or your eyes on your computer or whatever you do. I'm so happy you join me on the Harland Highway, and we'll see you next time on the Harlan Highway, and if you see a body laying on the Harlan Highway, make sure you don't crunch it, stick to your own lane, and until then, it's Chicken Chow. Maine, baby.

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