The Harland Highway - Podcast 63

Episode Date: January 22, 2010

Today I cover Electric 'murder' cars, drive thru's, commercials, wookies, sleeping partners, and breakfast ceral. What a wonderment of wondermeat!! Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the show of friendly, friendly faces. And even if you're a troll under a bridge or you're born with Mongo fever and you don't have a friendly face, I can't see you. So friendly face to you. What a friendly, fun-fill show we have today. Today we have a whole myriad of topics. We're going to be talking about electric cars and are they a benefit to society or are they a lethal danger to society? I'm going to be pulling the mask off the whole voiceover world.

A lot of the commercials you see on television, the voices of the actors aren't the real voices. They put in these fluffy, pretty, nice sound, sounding voices and trick you. I'm going to go in search of the ever elusive wookie waffle and make some calls to the waffle hut. And then we're going to be talking about the intimacy of sleeping. How many people have you slept with?

I have a feeling you're going to be surprised that you've slept with a lot more people than you even know you've slept with. And that makes you disgusting. So you better stick around to hear how disgusting you've been and then lastly we're going to talk about something

that's guaranteed to bring you back to the days of your childhood I'm going to give you a little tip a little suggestion that I think pretty much guarantees you going back to

childhood so put your seat belt on put your hockey helmet on put your knee pads on and your face brace because here we go. You're on the Harlan Highway. It's time to motor. Come on. Let's do it.

Harlan Highway. This is Harland Williams. You want to hear about a lethal byproduct of the whole eco movement? I mean, there's quite a few, but let's start with one that you might not have been aware of. Electric cars. Yeah, that's right. How would you like to be murdered by an electric car?

And you're like, what? No, not possible. They are paving the way for the future of humans. Well, yes, they are, but they're also killing you. And here's why you're not going to believe it. It's not that they're veering off the road. It's not that they're blowing up. It's that they're too quiet.

Electric cars are too quiet. They don't make any sound. They're like the Helen Keller's of automobiles. You know, maybe when they hit a speed bump, they go, like if you dragged Helen Keller, over a speed bump but outside of that they're silent they're stocking you they're predatory it's like that big great white shark and jaws right you don't know it's there until it's too late you're walking down the street you're bicycling along bang it hits you

electric car you know how they always stutter when people see a shark it's always like they can never just yell shark it's always shish shish shish shirk shark so that's what you're going to hear now in the streets of new york and Tokyo and Sydney and Toronto And then it hits you, man. I mean, isn't that a great thing, a silent car? Finally, we get rid of all the noise pollution. But the downside is people aren't used to it. People are used to noisy automobiles. So pedestrians wandering around aimlessly, you know, texting while they walk,

You know, when they go into that zombie state when they're texting. Their heads are down, but somehow they just keep walking through intersections. And they don't know if the light's red or blue or yellow. Well, I got to let Ed know I'm picking up the beer for the kegger tonight. Bham, silent car out of nowhere. They should screw Shark Week on Discovery Channel, man. Make it Silent Car Week. Electric Car Week on Discovery Channel, it's Electric Car Week.

Are you safe? Will you be next? Maybe they should just change it from the electric car to the great electric car, like the Great White Shark. Imagine these electric cars started getting an appetite, and they started trying to outdo each other to see how many they could take down. see who's got the record for human kills I'm telling you man it's one of the

dangerous side effects of the eco movement but you know what we started the eco problem and now it's payback time baby so after all these years of contaminating the planet the old electric car is hitting back Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, electric. Uh, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, what's that? Mm, you're driving home, it's getting close to dinner time.

Your tummy's starting to grumble, you're getting those little pangs, those hunger pangs. What's that? That's a hunger pang, man, that's a pang. P-n-g, I got, I got me a pang, sister. Oh, I got me a pang, a pang, oh, Pying. And how many are you going to pull off into the drive-thru? Hmm?

I want to warn you people of the inaccuracies of drive-thruses, okay? Of restaurants in general. Fast food. There's a bit of a deception going on here. And let me elaborate here. How many have been to McDonald's? You go through McDonald's, the drive-thru. Hi, welcome to McDonald's.

What can we get you? Have you ever heard of McDonald's? Have you ever heard anyone remotely Scottish? I mean, shouldn't you drive up when it should be, Hey, lad, what can I get you? How about a number one and some chewed chicken and nuggets? Go on get herself a big mark. And a big chocolate shake on an apple pie, lad.

And how about a quarter of powder of cheese for your wee little dog lassie? I mean, come on, McDonald's. Stop discriminating. Get some Scottish people in there. there. If your name's McDonald's, you got to hire Scotchies. I mean, come on, they gave, they invented scotch tape. We owe them something. Hi, welcome to McDonald's. Would you like a nice McFlurry? How about a McFlurry? By the way, that's my last name, McFlurry.

You go to Popeyes? How many have been to Popeyes? You pull up to the drive-thru. Hi, welcome to Popeyes. I never hear... Oh, welcome to Popeyes. What can I get you? They don't even have spinach on the menu It's Popeyes That's all he ever ate Somehow he's Cajun suddenly Oh

This means aching head Eyes guarantee Oh cucka cacca Oh me's olive Oh give me me's all of Me come on Popeye How about some southern fried Cajing

Catfish fillets That was the worst olive oil I've ever heard But Burger King Has anyone ever been served by royalty Little pimply-faced prince With his shiny pure gold braces Da-da-na-da-na da-da-na da da-da-na da da da da da da da da da da Thoupper is ready

Thine highness There's no royalty at Burger King There's a lot of acne No royalty Dairy Queen, huh? It was the last time you got served to Dairy Queen? I don't remember anyone therving me anything crazy. Hi, welcome to Dairy Queen.

How about a peanut butt your parfe, mister? Oh, look at that thing. The way it curls around on the top is like Tintin's hairstyle. It's like Johnny Neutron's Calic. No. Dairy Queen. So just be careful. careful is what I'm saying when you're pulling off to get something to eat, because chances are

the international house of pancakes doesn't have Latvian waffles or Bermuda strawberry pancakes or Jamaican hash browns, if you know what I mean. Yeah, they ain't repping all the international communities. So go get something to eat. Fill up your tummy here on the Harlan Highway. And while we're on the topic of kind of con jobs and dupe jobs and things that aren't factual, I don't know if this matters to you at all. I don't even know if you'll care, but I'm going to tell you anyways, because it's something that I have observed and it irks me. It bothers me.

You'll probably be like, whatever, dude. Get a life. Like, nice topic. Nice topic for your podcast, dude. What an idiot. God, such an idiot. So stupid. But have you been watching commercials?

I'm sure you have. If you all watch TV, you watch commercials. And there's something that's been going on. And I've noticed this because for years and years, I've been doing voiceover work. Okay? I do voices for movies like the robots and Meet the Robinsons and Madagascans.

and all these movies and cartoons and Disney cartoons and commercials and I've done all kinds of voice work. I know the ins and out of the voiceover business. And also for live action movies, they do a process called ADR, which is after a movie is shot, if a line is flubbed or there's noise over the line, they bring you in. and what they do is they play the movie and you watch the movie

and you've got headphones on and let's say the line is I've got to go to the store. All right? So what they do is they play the line and you have to watch the movie at the same time

you're in front of a microphone, you've got headphones on, you watch the movie and you have to say the line again and try to match it perfectly to the movie. Okay? So the movie's playing, and here comes your line. You've got to go, I've got to go to the store. No, that was too slow.

I've got to go to the store. Too fast. I've got to go to the store. Okay, now try it happy. I've got to go to the store. You know what I mean? You can basically do voice acting. So what they do to help you get.

it bang on is if your timing's not good, they give you three little beeps as you're rolling up to your line. It's like, beep, beep, beep. And on the third beep, that's your cue to start doing your line. And the sound guys have queued it so that if you start talking right after that third beep, you're pretty much going to hit your mark. But it's still tricky. It's not an exact science. So anyways, that's kind of the history of the ADR and the voice. overworld, which is a lot, which is something I've done a lot. And my beef is that if you watch commercials now, a lot of these infomercials or any type of commercial for a garbage bag or toothpaste or a tampon or anything, you know, what they're

doing, and I've been able to catch it because, like I said, I know this world, I can tell I can see the little cues that are off or missing. They're getting everyday regular folks, okay? Just normal-looking Joes, or sometimes they're not. Sometimes they can be a pretty girl or an ugly guy or a handsome man and an ugly girl, a kid, an old person, an ethnic person, whatever it is. And what I've caught is that they're dubbing in like fake voices for a lot of these. regular old commercials

they're getting voices that just don't fit and that's when I kind of got alerted I look at this person I'm like you know what that girl looks like she probably drives an 18 wheeler but her voice is like I think I want to make love to that girl that voice is so sweet so I'll tivo the commercial and I'll roll it back and I'll see that it's just off a little bit

and I can tell they can tell it's a studio engineered voice, and the lip sync is just slightly off, and things don't match 100%. You can just, when you've been in the industry the way I have, you just know it. And the reason it irks me is it's playing into this whole fake, like, Disneyland, like everybody's perfect, everything has to be perfect in the world of advertising. nothing's natural, everything's sugar-coded and glossy, and it just bugs me that they're taking real people

and you're like, yeah, we like you, but your voice sounds like ass. Or we want someone with a trained industry voice. You know, people who do voice work, if you ever really take the time to listen to the voice in a commercial or a radio spot, just listen to all the little inflections and the upbeat moments they put in there and the dancing and the, you know, it's a real art form.

I mean, some of these guys get paid millions of dollars a year just to do commercials for like Motel 6. But what I don't like is when they sneak it into everyday regular commercials. And they just try, it's like people can't be people anymore. People can't be themselves. It's like, well, they've got to have a perfect moment. voice. We've got to sell our consumers. They're not going to buy our waffles if the old bag eating them doesn't sound like you want to take her to bed for a week.

To me, it's just a little devious, right? It's a little bit of the shuck and jive, the shell game, the old pull the wool over the eyes, ish. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And it just kind of keeps playing into that whole deceptive marketing crap that they do. You know, it's like the heart attack pill commercials and the diabetes commercials and the cancer pill commercials and you know they play this fluffy piano music underneath and they people are dancing through fields of wildflowers and someone's stroking a wild giraffe in the main and it's just all a bunch of BS you know how about showing a guy attached to tubes laying in a hospital bed

with a drool cup in his pants. I just don't like it. I don't like the old smoke and mirrors. But anyways, enough about that. You might just be going, dude, get off of it. Okay, well, for those of you that are saying get off of it, how about this? This isn't even Harlan Williams, okay?

This is Jim Smith from Cleveland, Ohio. They brought me in to do Harlan Williams voice. So screw you, you've been duped. Okay? This whole podcast, it's been Jim Smith from Cleveland. Suckers. Okay, not really, but I'm trying to prove a point. And you're like, you know what?

At this point, you've been droning on so long, I wish Jim Smith would get on the damn microphone. We're tired of hearing your sorry-ass, whiny bastard. Go do some voice work or something. get off it Okay, fair enough You want to move on We're moving on

Wow, crabby bastards Thank you to call on my house This is Misty, can I help you Hi, this is Jerry, who's this place? I'm sorry This is Jerry, who's this I'm talking to? This is Missy Hi Misty, this is Jerry

I'm coming in on my truck in just a few minutes I was wondering, y'all carry wookie waffles? I'm sorry, sir. Y'all carry wookie waffles over there at the Waffle house? Do we serve waffles? Wookie waffles, you know. No. You don't have...

How about blueberry wookie waffles? No, sir. Chocolate chip wookie waffles? No, sir. No, me, le, whee. Hello? Yes. Hi, how about Jedi Space Waffles?

I'm sorry. Nope. Okay, well maybe I'll just pull into Taco Bell and have a big fat burrito. Okay. I love you. Thank you so much. Oh, here's something really creepy. Like I just had a thought, right?

Oh, here's something really creepy. How many of you fly? Okay, flying's kind of impersonal. It's kind of they heard you in like cattle, you sit down, they slap out your meal, they order you around, put your seat up, put your seat belt on, don't get out of your seat, put away your cell phone, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so for all that impersonal stuff,

there's one thing very intimate that happens on an airplane. and if you think about it, it might make you not want to fly. All right. How many of you fall asleep on an airplane? Okay, probably 90% of you, I bet. And how many of you fall asleep next to a complete stranger? Right?

And how many of you sit in the middle seat and fall asleep to a couple of kids? complete strangers. Think about it. How intimate is sleeping? How many people in your lifetime do you let climb into your bed and sleep with you? Okay, if

you're a ho, maybe there's hundreds. If you've only been married once, or you've only had one or two boyfriends or girlfriends, maybe one, maybe two, maybe three. Okay? I'm betting most of you in your lifetime have slept

right next And you see where I'm going with this, man, right next to another human being. I bet less than 10 times, maybe less than 5. Again, if you're a hoe, you're not even included in this. And if you're a man slut, you're not included in this. But for regular old folks, decent, monogamous folks, you've probably only slept beside maybe, you know, 10 or less. and think about it

sleeping beside another human being is a choice that you make it's very personal you're very vulnerable you're asleep for God's sakes you only let people sleep beside you that you're trusting with or you're intimate with

or you love or their family or they're your boyfriend or husband or lover so ooh Can I say it? Ooh, ooh, how gross is it that you're sleeping beside Ed from, you know, Tampa, Florida on one side and Marjorie, the recovering gambling alcoholic from Vegas on the other side? And no matter which way you lean your head, you are literally, you probably sleep closer on a plane to people than you do to the people you invite into your bed.

Think about it. Those seats in economy class, and even the ones in first class, you're really only about maybe nine, maybe 12 inches apart. And you're snoozing with these complete strangers, and you're asleep and they're there beside you, or worse yet, they're asleep with you? technically you've slept with these people. And then you wake up, your eyes are all blurry, they come into focus.

And there's Ed from Tampa, Florida, sucking on a Bloody Mary, looking at your crotch. And then there's Susie, the drunk Alki from Vegas. She's in her sleep. She's flopped over and is like three inches from your face with a crusty piece of black Jack, drool, climbing out of her black gums. Oh, God. Now you're like, oh, great, Harlan, thanks. I'm never going to sleep on a plane again.

Well, something to think about, man. I mean, technically think about it. If you're a wife and you have to travel a lot for your job and you come home to your husband. Hello, Barbara. How was your business trip? Well, I only slept with six men. Excuse me? I slept with six men.

Oh, my God. You did what? I actually physically slept with six strangers. You didn't even know them? No, are you mad at me? No, I'm kind of turned on, actually. Oh, good, because they're out in the truck. Oh, my God, it's orgy time. Yes, it is.

We even brought some seats from Delta to get it on. Oh my God Oh God Yeah it's creepy man It's really really creepy It's like imagine Imagine going camping And climbing into a tent

And you wake up And there's three strangers around you And you're like wait what what It's just weird And it's almost so creepy I'm going to just leave it right there I just thought I'd bring it to your attention that if you are business people or you travel a lot,

you're basically hoes, you're man-sluts in your hose, because you've probably slept with hundreds and hundreds of complete strangers, you dirty, dirty, dirty animals. So you should be ashamed of yourself. And by the way, would you like chicken or fish with that orgy? Hello?

Wait a minute. What if you can't sleep? You ever have that? Oh, we've all had that. insomnia what a word insomnia just saying it makes you want to stay awake it's scary but what do you do when you can't sleep you count sheep count on your fingers you try and focus on something simple like a field or an apple tree. Never works.

And then you resort to technology, man. So what I did, I couldn't sleep for like two weeks. I couldn't take it anymore. I went out and bought one of those little machines. You put it by your bed, and it makes little noises. Ooh, listen to that. A running river, a babbling brook. Wait a minute, what's that?

The ocean crashing in. Boy, that really sounds like the ocean. through that little tinny speaker. Sounds more like an elf throwing up. Crickets chirping. Bird singing. Yeah, that's going to help me sleep. Whole flock of birds at two in the morning.

Uh, hello. Birds go to sleep too. You ever hear birds singing at two in the morning? What's you got like vampire bats outside your window? So that didn't work for me. As you can tell, I'm a little grumpy, lack of sleep. But I did find a solution, people, and I want to share it with you, insomniacs. Here's what you do.

If you want a good night's sleep and you want a soothing sound similar to one of those machines, but it doesn't cost as much, stuff your mattress full of Rice Krispies. You know the famous breakfast cereal. know what I'm talking about, player. Rice Krispies, stuff it. Stuff your mattress all up in there with that crap. And then, go to bed and wet the sheets.

You know what I'm talking about? I know you haven't done it since you're a little kid, but I'm telling you, pee the bed. It soaks through to the rice Krispies. Oh my God. It's snap, crackle pot. time. The rhythmic sounds of snap crackle pop. Listen, can you hear it? It's snapcrackle and pop people. You're going to sleep real good tonight. You are going to sleep like a little

baby carnival midget snuggled up in the elephant hay. But don't fall asleep yet. You got to get home here on the harland highway how many of you are like okay that actually sounds like a grand idea mr williams i'm gonna try that it might work i don't know man i'm just trying to help you people you know get through your nights it's probably not going to be a pleasant morning it's going to be soggy and milky and but who cares if you sleep right god i love you cereal. Even to this day as an adult, I still love a good box of breakfast cereal. And for those of you adults that haven't done it in a long time, I'm going to put a little bug in your head. Just on your way home from work or whatever you're doing, stop in at the grocery store and just get a jug

of 2% milk and a box of your favorite sugary cereal that you had as a kid. Corn Pop, or cocoa pebbles or peanut butter Captain Crunch or Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Lucky Charms. You kidding me? Fruit Loops? Oh, Apple Jacks? Oh, I'm getting hungry and turned on just talking about it, man. And when you do this little experiment for me, which it's really just for yourself, let me know if you can just eat one bowl.

okay because you're not a kid anymore you're allowed to eat as much as you want and i'm telling you man when i go and get breakfast cereal as an adult forget it i almost eat through the whole box i'm just being honest it's like that little boy comes back to me as a kid where my mother was like harland you put that cereal away you've already had a bowl save some for your sisters you little bastard but mommy i want more count chocula i don't care what you want i'll give you a knuckle sandwich all the way into last weekend you little bastard right but now go back relive it in your 20s your 30s your 40s your 50s i don't care if you're 60 and i think i just choked on an apple jack right there Try and get away with just the one bowl, man.

The stuff's still delicious. It's still a great snack. It's fun to eat cereal and watch TV. I don't know why. I guess it reminds me of when I was a little boy and I'd sit in front of the TV and watch cartoons and watch Scooby-Doo and Spider-Man, the Flintstones.

You know, all those crazy cartoons. And there's just something. It's almost like a magical time. in your life, like cereal, kids cereal takes you back to a point in life that you can never relive. But think about it. There's very little foods and things that can transport you back into time like that. You know, most foods you just eat consistently through your whole life except for baby food

and breast milk, which I'm trying to get that changed through my local legislative. Slaters. Yeah, look, I'm a 47 man, and would it be okay to do some of breast milk at my age? But cereal, your favorite cereal, a lot of the ones you had as a little boy or little girl still exist. Many, many, many of them do. And I'm betting a lot of you haven't had them in 20, 30 years. So if you ever want to get in a little time machine and become a little boy or a little girl again, go get a box of your favorite cereal, put on the TV, go to the cartoon network, watch Scooby-Doo, and just be a kid again for half an hour. It's actually a beautiful thing, man. It kind of gives you a bit of perspective on life.

It kind of lets you shed the stress and the pressure of the rat race for just a little bit. and it helps you remember what you were once like when times were easier, more innocent, and to say the least, yummy and delicious. And speaking of yummy and delicious, folks, I want to remind you that yours truly, the little boy, Harland Williams,

will be in Salt Lake City, Utah, Odgin, Utah on January 21, 22, and 22, and 23, okay? Wise guys comedy club. If you don't live there, call someone, I know you know someone who lives in that region. Call them up, email them, Facebook them, MySpace, and whatever.

I want to make them laugh. That's my mission. I want to make your friends laugh. I want them to phone you and go, oh my God, thank you for calling me and telling me about that retire. That guy. He cracked me up, man.

Thank you. I owe you a bowl of cereal. So do it. If you can't get there yourself, let a friend know that I'm at Wise Guys, Salt Lake City, Utah, January 21, 22, 23. You can go to my website, Harlow Williams.com. You can get tickets online, or if you want to call the club, call Wise Guys at 801-463-2909, 801-463-2901-463. 2909. I'd love to see you out there. I might even be better for you than a bowl of cereal, a delicious bowl of Lucky Charms. And speaking of delicious, I had a delicious time with you here today.

Thank you for joining me on the Harland Highway. Love having you here. And we'll catch you next time. Until then, have a big bowl of delicious chicken chow. Maine, baby.