The Harland Highway - Podcast 64

Episode Date: January 25, 2010

Freak shows, body jewelry,Pavlov's dog, Julia Childs cooking from the grave, and my NEW BOOK!!! Sweet termite meat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

very interesting show today um wow we are going to be covering the gamut uh first off we're going to be talking about freak shows how many of you can say in your lifetime you've ever been to a real live freak show probably not a lot of you because they don't exist anymore they were outlawed but yours truly went to a real freak show and wait a real freak show and and wait, you hear the story about what I saw there. We're going to be talking about body piercing, which I don't think I'm a big fan of. We're going to be talking about conditioning,

as in what Pavlov did with his dog. We're going to relate that to waiters at restaurants. Julia Childs is coming back from the grave to whip up a new dish for us. Yes, she'll be back from the grave to cook something for us. And lastly, This is an announcement here. My new book is out.

The things you don't know you don't know, and I'll tell you more about it later in the show and how you can order it at Harlan Williams.com. So you're ready? Let's do it. Come on. Here we go. It's the Harlan Highway. This is Harlan Williams.

Harland Highway Peanards, popcorn. Get your peanuts, popcorn. Get your peanuts, popcorn. Step right up. Step right up and see the freak show. Step right up and see the human blockhead. See the rubber-faced lady. You won't believe what your eyes are showing you. Step right up and see the bearded woman. Step right up and see the fattest man on the earth. Step right up, step right up. Come one, come all the human blockhead. Step right up and witness one of the freaks of nature.

E.T. Smurf. Step right up to the freakhouse. Okay, can I just share a little story with you? This one's kind of twisted, man. But, oh, man, I almost don't believe it ever happened to me. But when I was a little kid, there was a great big fairground, like a massive fairground that happened in my city every year. And it was the event of the city, okay? It was only open for like three weeks of the whole year, and everybody went to this thing.

And when I was a little boy, they had a thing called The Freak Show. It was like a series of tents, and they had these big canvases out front, and you've seen the vintage paintings. of the bearded lady and the sword swallower and the fat guy and, you know, all kinds of human oddities, the goat woman and, you know, just crazy, crazy-looking people that are either fortunate or unfortunate, they were born with, you know, three or four extra appendages or they had a face wider than a brick wall. It was just like real creepy. And my mother, I always used to say, Mommy, I want to go in there.

I want to see the goat lady, and I want to see Rat Boy and the Fudgeman, you know, and she'd be, no, we're not going in there. That's taking advantage of other people. You know, my mother was such a good woman. She was always, like, looking out for people and never wanted to see people treated cruelly or abused. And so we never got to go. And I understood my mother not wanting to go. But it was always a fascination with me.

So before I could ever get to a freak show, they outlawed them. They realized that they were politically incorrect and that they were kind of abusive and demeaning. And so society outlawed the freak show. They didn't exist anymore, right? So I never got my opportunity. But then, lo and behold, one day I'm at this same fare, and I don't know if they snuck one by

or the people running the fair were looking the other way or I don't know how it happened. It's almost like a dream or a miracle. I was in probably my early 20s when this happened or maybe my late teens. Maybe it was like 19 or something. And I went to the big fair like I went every year and I took a date. I took this really cute blonde girl and I'm not kidding. her name was Linda Woodcock

Linda Woodcock was her name and that's not even the freak part okay so we're wandering around the fair and you know we go on a few rides and we get a you know candy floss and I come around the corner and there it is

a big giant tent okay a big giant like kind of dirty gold colored tent and I rub my eyes because I can barely believe what I'm seeing. There's those giant canvas paintings of the bearded woman and the rubber lady and a guy called the human blockhead and the world's fattest man. And in one of the posters, I'll never forget it, it said E.T. Smurf.

And it showed this little midget, I guess this philidomide midget smaller than mini-me. okay from Austin Powers because mini me has legs okay E.T. Smurf had no legs and he had little claws for fingers and I hate to laugh but it was so bizarre you can barely believe it you almost have to laugh and the guy was shaped like a bowling pin the bottom of his his body was like the bowling pin and then it tapered up and he had a little bald head and a little tiny face and little like crab claws coming out

whereas arms should be. And I'm like, oh my God, it's a real live freak show. This isn't allowed, but people were lined up and I'm like, I'm not missing this. I'm never going to get a chance again. So sure as hell, I go into the freak show with my date, Linda Woodcock. And we go in, man, and we're standing there,

and I'm thinking, okay, this is just a bluff, right? But sure enough, the rubber lady came out. She started stretching her face, contorting. The bearded lady came out. The fattest guy in the world came out, and his big trick was he sat in his chair, and fake laughed, and his belly and his boobs would bounce up and down, and that was his schick.

That's what he did for 10 minutes every hour on the hour and made a paycheck from it. Okay, then the human blockhead came out, and this guy was stuffing, like, giant, like, 12-inch nails in his nose and hammering them? Oh, my God. Like, I'm like, if they didn't outlaw them just on kind of taking advantage of disfigured people, how about banning them just on the off chance that some guy hammers a railroad spike through his brain cavity? Okay, so everyone comes out, and the big attraction is E.T. Smurf, okay?

I'm laughing because what a name. Like, the poor guy is completely disfigured, right? And not only is he called a smurf, not only do they label him a smurf and make a giant poster of him, not only is he a smurf, but he's E.T. Smurf. Somehow he belongs to E.T. Like on a distant planet somewhere, aliens have Smurfs and somehow E.T. Smurf is on loan for the freak show.

So here we are. Drumroll. Everyone's seen everything else. This is the last guy. This is the main attraction. E.T. Smurf is the headliner, right? And everyone's quiet. There's a murmur going through the tent. There's a bit of a sweaty smell stain in the air from the fat guy Wiggling his sweaty, fat jelly rolls up and down. And sure enough, the little curtain opens, and here comes E.T. Smurf. Sure enough, this guy's probably, I can't imagine he's more than a foot high.

Probably one of the smallest things I've ever seen in my life. Like, honestly, a hummingbird could beat the crap out of this thing, okay? The guy kind of rolls his bowling-pin body up onto the stage, and he's standing there, and everyone's jaws hanging open. Like, is this legal? Should someone call the Humane Society? Are we going to get arrested? Is this like being in an illegal gambling hall?

Are we breaking the law here, gaping at E.T. Smurf? Right? So here we go. We're like, oh, my God, what's this thing going to? to do it's e t smurf is he is he going to like light on fire is he going to jump through hoops is he he it's got to be spectacular right it's got to be the most amazing thing this little nublin nubling is going to do right so all of a sudden one of the other guys who works there i guess his handler is trainer et smurfs trainer walks up and throws a pack of marlboroughs and a lighter on

the stage. Okay? And we're like, okay, interesting. So E.T. Smurf kind of waddles over and with his little crab claws, his philidamide crab fingers, he bends down and he, you know, with the most intense concentration he could muster, he somehow gets his little nubly claws behind the cigarette pack and he picks it up. And we're like, oh my God, what's he going to do?

Is he going to float? Is he going to? And then so he's got the cigarette. in one claw and then he like bends down and he scoops up the lighter like a bick lighter and we're like oh my god the anticipation and then he gets his claw on the right hand and he pulls out a cigarette and he kind of somehow miraculously rolls it up his chest and gets it into his mouth and we're like oh my god where's this going and then with his other little crab fingers he he lights the lighter and he lights the cigarette and he takes a puff from the cigarette And that was it.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that was E.T. Smurf's grand finale. He took a cigarette out of a Marlboro pack and lit it and took a drag. And we were all just like, what the hell? It's E.T. Smurf, man. That's it? But then I stopped and I took a look at this guy, this human bowling pin with his crab claws and his sweet nublins, and I'm like, holy God, wait a minute, this is a feat.

Just for this guy to light a smoke, I forgot he's E.T. Smurf, he's barely got hands. He's got no legs. Of course, to light a cigarette is huge, and I started clapping. I'm like, yay, E.T. Smurf, you go, girlfriend or boyfriend or smurf friend or E.T. friend or E.T. friend, whatever you are, I'm going to phone home for you, baby. And so there you go. That was his big grand finale, man. And I got to, I'm living proof that E.T. Smurf was alive.

And it's always stuck with me, man. And I always wonder, where the hell is E.T. Smurf today? I googled it. I can't find him. I have a feeling he probably is not with us anymore. How long does a one-foot guy with salamander fingers live? You know, and on top of that, he's smoking. The little fellas, E.T. Smurf is smoking. That can't help a guy that's only a foot tall.

So I'm wondering if he's in like a freak graveyard somewhere. I don't know. I'm just sharing one of these weird memories with you. bizarre story my manager Chris Chris Fenton who manages my career and my good friend and used to be my agent at one time

I told him this story like when we first met and to this day almost every third time we get together he brings up E.T. Smurf He's not one of these guys that's quick to laugh you know you've met people like that they'll laugh now and then but they're just not laughers I've got a sense of humor, but it takes a lot to get them to laugh. I tell you what, man, every time he mentions E.T. Smurf, or I mention it, the room just fills with laughter.

And I wish so much I could find some documentation on E.T. Smurf so I could show it to him. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

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I hope you enjoyed it. If you ever find a freak show, please go in and don't feel bad because you know what, these people, they were born. You can call it with faults or you can call it a gift or a special talent whatever it is it helps them make money and as long as you're not cruel and heckling and demeaning to these people you know it's possibly okay they they want to do it no one put a gun to their freak heads but it's a moot point because these things don't exist anymore the only freak you're really going to see in this day and age is if you come and see me in person because i get called a freak all the time so i can relate. I'm E.T.'s

Harland, and you're on E.T.'s Harland Highway. Hope you enjoyed my free show story. How many of you out there would love to get your face hit by lightning? That is the big question today

here on the Harland Highway. And I bring it up because there is a revolution going on out there, people. Hmm? A body piercing revolution. What is with the people getting their bodies pierced? Especially in their faces.

Is that throwing anybody off? Is it just me? I'm just having a hard time reacting to the body piercing. I saw a kid the other day on the sidewalk, walking down the street. This guy had eight rings in his eyebrows. I didn't know what to do. I ran up. I hung a shower curtain on his face.

gave him a bar of Irish spring. I said, go take a shower, kid. You smell like lasagna. Go put some Irish spring in your pits. Get rid of that lasagna stink that floats around you like a gas cloud. I don't know. I see the kids with the rings in their noses.

I mean, that's just... I'm holding myself back. I just want to go up and pull it, like a hang grenade, and see if they blow up 10 seconds later. Imagine that? Walk up to a gun. goth chick, pull the friggin' ring out of her nose, pick her up and throw her over the ridge,

watch the bomb go off. Pieces of black clothing shrapnel flying all over the place. Somebody gets hit in the temple with a black Doc Martin boot, just blew off of the goth chick grenade chick. I don't know, man. And the piercing of the tongue, man. I mean, that's a steel bolt. Right in the middle of your face.

I guess it's supposed to be cool, right? Till one day you're maybe out there in the desert, rock climbing with your buddies, and all of a sudden up on the ridge, there appears a coyote with a giant acme magnet. Yeah. That's going to be real good metal face, huh? Hellraiser.

You're just going to be pulled across the desert and stick to the coyote's magnet. I mean, what happens with this? People say it feels good. Feels good to get your body pierced. What do you wake up in the morning and run down to the railroad tracks and find a railroad spike?

This ought to feel good. Hammering this into the middle of my forehead. Run right by Starbucks where everyone else is getting their groove on. Getting their engine running with a latte moka. Not you. You're a body piercer. hammering this railroad spike into my head with a rock. We'll get my engine going.

I'm off to work with my new Pearson. Wow. You know what? Just get to the mall. Get some Mary Kay cosmetics. Put a little eyeliner on, a little foundation, a little blush, some chapstick.

Don't shove a shish kebab through your face, people. You're going to get hit by lightning. And you're just going to be a little. like this pile of skin and bones and ball bearings and metal. I'm just looking out for you here on the Harland Highway. Watch out you don't

run over any tire spikes on the way home. Could be a goth chick laying down in the middle of the highway for a nap. You ever hear of Pavlov Pavlov and his dogs and his

experiments in conditioning operant conditioning and classical conditioning. Classical conditioning is where he discovered that there was a response of some kind when a subject was introduced to a stimuli or stimulus. In one experiment, he got his dog, and every time he fed his dog, he rang him bell and so the dog associated the bell with food so um pavlov in his experiments he would introduce the bell without the food and the result would be that the dog would start to salivate and show all the

symptoms of being ready to eat his body his mind would said signals to his body that it was chow time baby and so the dog would start to salivate and blah blah blah i won't get into it but have you noticed and this is up i've picked up on and some kind sometimes it kind of grosses me out but see if you have noticed it or next time you're out to a fine restaurant see if if you do notice it this will be the harland experiment you can go and Check for yourself, but I don't know how often you go to a fine dining, a nice restaurant where they have specials. You know what, even Cheesecake Factory has specials. So it could be almost anywhere.

But you'll find, more often than not, when the waiter approaches your table and starts rifling off the specials, you'll notice that watch their mouth and listen to their swallowing and listen to their swallowing and listen to their voice, and you'll notice that the saliva starts building up in their throat, in their voice, in their mouth. And as they talk about these delicious specials, they pretty much turn into kujo. They start drooling, and there's saliva sloshing around in their mouths,

and I think it's just a natural reaction when people get excited about food, or they hear about food, or they're stimulating, accumulated by food, our saliva glands kick in, much like Pavlov's dog. And so it kind of borders on grossing me out when I'm at a nice fancy steak joint or a lobster house, and some waiter wanders up and goes, good evening, Mr. Williams, today we have some wonderful specials. Would you like to hear them? Yeah, sure, man. All right, wonderful. Well, Tonight we have some wonderful sea scallops from Nova Scotia wrapped in a nice crisp bacon

and marmalade chutney sauce. And we also have a fillet of soul, herb and crested with cashews, with a fine lemon twist sauce. And for those of you that like a nice cut of beef, we have a top. Roe-Serloin, stuffed with pepper cheese, and Spanish onion oil water. And for dessert, we have a chocolate cake and double chocolate. Excuse me, do you mind if I just go get myself something to eat before I finish your specials? Hey, wait, where are you going? Screw you, I've got to get my specials.

Come back! Come back! Yeah, it can get a little... It's just fun to watch the man. And it's kind of funny because they know they're not allowed to eat. They have to bring you this damn food that they're slobbering over. And you kind of feel empowered a little bit. It's like, yeah, bring me my food.

I know you want it. I see you salivating and slaught. away bring me my meal Pronto But the other side is it's kind of like gross because they're kind of like slurping and slobering like I said like Kujo's dog They sound like a jellyfish that's trying to crawl back into the water that was washed up on the beach We got some wonderful Caesar salad you know so anyways either i'm delusional or this is real but i want you to check it out next time

you go out to a place where they have the specials and the longer these waiters talk man i swear to god the more they just they start going bananas so there you go little experiment for you right here from me, Harlan Williams. Right here on the Harlan Highway. I have a special guest here with me in the studio today. A very famous cook for those of you who like to eat, who like to prepare food. Please welcome fantastic, world-famous, dead chef,

Julia Childs. Julia, oh, hello, it's just wonderful to be here. Julia, thank you for coming back from the grave to share some cooking tips with us. Oh, it's not a problem. Death, people should not let death slow them down. Death is not a good lifestyle. I mean, I get so much more done when I'm not dead. Well, good point, Julia.

Now, what have you got for us today? What kind of dish are we making? Well, for those of you that like to cook with a microwave oven, This is a wonderful, wonderful dish. I call it black popcorn. Black popcorn. Yes, that's right. Black popcorn.

Kind of like the color of my decomposed skin. Okay, black popcorn. Yes, that's what I said. Now, it's a microwave treat. What you do, it's very simple. Anyone can do it. What do you get some microwave popcorn. You put it in your microwave popcorn.

set the timer for five hours and 22 minutes and hit the start button oh what that's yes exactly that's gonna make it nice and black it's a crunchy treat you get the black popcorn stuck in your teeth you look like a pirate arg land hole ships a hole and the black popcorn's ready matey well that sounds like a treat Julia, I guess you've got to run. Yes, back to the graveyard. Back to the hole of the ground. Well, will you come and visit us again? Absolutely. Just get the backhoe, and I'm right here. Julia Childs, everybody.

Black popcorn. Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. What a treat. And speaking of treats, I have a treat for you folks, my faithful listeners here. my very first book is now available. It's a brand new book, just came out, hot off the press, and I'm very excited about it, because as you may or may not know,

over the years I've done quite a few children's books. I've written and illustrated, I think, eight or nine kids' books over the years. and I've always wanted to do a more adult-based, adult-themed book for the, you know, the people that actually know how to read, that aren't in diapers. And my new book is called The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. And this is how the book works. It's basically a book chock-full of interesting facts that you did not know.

and I can almost guarantee that you do not know them. You know, just incredible facts that are probably right under your nose, but you weren't aware of them at this point in your life? Like, did you know that cauliflower is just scared broccoli? Did you know that rhinoceroses are just big fat, white trash unicorns? I don't think you knew that. and what I do is I give a little blurb like that, a little did you know-ism, as I call them.

And then I go on to elaborate. I go on to explain so that you have the full understanding, the full grasp of the thing that you did not know. And hopefully you like it. It's a lot of fun. It's all pretty much humor, but it also taps into encouraging people to think a little outside of the box. All right.

The book, you know, the majority of the book rests on making you laugh. But there's maybe 20% of the book that rests on hoping to help you open your mind a little and see things from different perspectives. Look beyond the obvious and the programmed. So pick it up at the website. You can get it at harlough williams.com or you can get it at amazon.com. But here's the upside to getting it from my website versus Amazon. You may pay a couple of more bucks on my website,

but if you're a fan of me and you're a fan of my ink signature, I do personally autograph each book for the consumer, the buyer, the fan, whatever you want to call yourself, The Superstar. So that's the upside. You get a more personalized book. But I'm very proud of it. I think it's a lot of fun. It's one of those easy reads.

It's great for, you know, if you're riding around on an airplane going on a trip or just before bed or just when you want to chill out. I'm hoping it brings you some laughs. So check it out. It's called The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. And you may not know if you're going to get it yet, but I encourage you to get it. And until then, get your laugh on right here at the Harland Highway. And until even further along, until then, you know what I'm going to? to say. I'll see you next time and chicken chow main, baby.