The Harland Highway - Podcast 65 - Guest Tom Green

Episode Date: January 27, 2010

My special guest today is Tom Green. Lot's of silly fun talking about romance and scary movies! Lord lavender and the lovely bunch!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here I come, rolling down the street, I got plenty of sunshine for everyone I meet. Hey, hey, I'm Harland, Arland Williams. What the hell was the hell? that what kind of intro was at god sounded like a possession from the devil what the hell what's the matter with me what's the matter with you for being here well where else would you rather be right now you know this is the place this is the place to get some great laughs oh yeah where else you're gonna go uh-huh back up i am in miami trick who All right, enough of that nonsense.

What a show we have today. Most of the show is dedicated to an interview with my good buddy Tom Green. You know Tom, the crazy wild maniac from MTV and movies and the Tonight Show. And you know Tom and all his crazy antics. And it isn't just Tom being Tom this time. I got into some very deep questioning with Tom. I asked Tom about a lot of personal things, and he was very surprisingly open and honest and revealing,

and it's not just a crazy, you know, Tom Green sticking his head in a blender type of interview. It's very provocative and endearing, and I think you'll experience a side of Tom you've never experienced. So you're ready to do this. I'm asking you. I'm looking, are you ready to go? You ready to go?

I'm ready to go. You want to do it? Come on. Let's go. Let's get on the Harland Highway. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Tom Green.

What is a romantic moment for Tom Green? And I'm totally serious here. You're out with a girl. You're on a date. What is a romantic, quiet, intimate moment for Tom Green? A serious answer. Serious answer. What is a moment for you that, and I don't want to put anything in your head,

but what is a moment for you where you were with a girl, and it was just the two of you, and it was a romantic, sweet moment? Well, I've always liked it when you get to go away on vacation with a girl. Right. Because, you know, you're doing things that you wouldn't normally be doing. I like nature. I like being out with nature. But what is a moment?

We know the environment. But what is a specific moment? And it could have been with an ex-girlfriend, someone you're dating now. Oh, a moment? A moment in time where Tom Green is in one place. I'd have to say a blowjohn. No, I'm just joking. Wow, Tom, Green.

That's about as romantic as I can think of. Wow, come on, buddy. No, okay, now. I want a quaint, quiet, intimate Tom Green moment that you've never shared with your audience. An actual real one, not a general. And, you know, I don't even want to give you an idea. What is it? What was one moment that was beautiful to you, you alone with a girl?

Maybe filing for divorce. No, no one's saying. Tom, you're missing the point of the question here. Come on, buddy. I wanted this to be a good memory. Oh, a good memory. Okay, let's see. A romantic moment.

Well, I remember one time in high school. Yeah, okay. In Ottawa, Canada. Here we go. We were going with my girlfriend from high school. We were going to the Janet Jackson concert together in Montreal. Okay. So my girlfriend, the girl who I actually lost my virgin.

ginity to. Okay. Good. Or with. Whatever, however you say that. Only did it once, so it's not something I talk about a lot. But regardless, we were going to Janet Jackson in Montreal. It was a bus trip, so we had tickets and a bus package.

Okay. We bought a couple of bottles of baby duck champagne, which is a Canadian sheep champagne. See, this is getting good. Keep going. And the bus picked us up at Lansdowne Park in Ottawa, which is the football stadium there. Yeah. So as a sort of a young skateboarder who'd been kind of out and explored the urban sort of urban underbelly of Ottawa, I knew there was a door that you could get into the football stadium and you could actually walk up this football stands and go into the press box.

Wow. Anybody could do it. Nobody did because there was nothing up there except some old phones. But you knew about that. I knew. So we went up there and we went up there. and we were going to the Janet Jackson concert and bus was leaving in an hour

we went up there and we drank her baby duck Yeah Both bottles Both bottles Okay Got you know pretty Got baby drunk And we hung out and we did what young kids do

When they're in a nice private place With a lock on the door At the Ottawa Rough Riders Football Stadium So you made love Well you know We just kind of made out or whatever You made out It wasn't too crazy

In the press box of a major stadium Major football stadium. With two bottles of baby ducking you. And then we went and we jumped on the bus and we went to the Janet Jackson concert. Rhythm Nation tour. What have you done for me lately? Lean back player. What have you done for me lately?

That's right. That's exactly what it was. That is a great story. Yeah, that was, you know, I don't know if that's romantic or just more kind of fun. No, it's, it is romantic. Yeah. Because it's, it hankers back to those days of innocence and youth. And it's you and a girl that you cared about and you had a connection and you went to this kind of special place.

That is romantic. That was a fun. It's a great story. I like that story a lot. And on that note, I want to see, you just did a little singing there. But what I would love you to do for us, please. And I'm saying, please, can you sing for us your favorite line from your favorite love song? Just one line from your favorite love song.

Can you just sing, please? I'm saying please. Can you sing? I just called to say, I love you. Wow. I just called to say how much I care. Wow, hang on, let me crack open a bottle of baby dog. I just called to say, I love.

I love you. I'm poor the baby duck. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Of my... That's Stevie Wonder. Cheers. Cheers to that baby duck. I thought that's my favorite love song, but it just popped into my head.

Wow. That was sweet. That was nice. Yeah, or maybe my favorite love song is... Give me an R. R, O, C, C, K, K. Whatcha, you got? Rock!

And what you want to do? Rock you! Wait, whoa. Tom, Tom, Tom, tell me what you go on do. Tom? Tom, Tom, Tom! Rock you! Settle down, Tom.

That's not a love sign. I don't care. That's not a love song. Stop it. The summer win. There we go. Is coming in. Let me pour some more baby duck.

From across the sea. Here we go. Excuse me. Oh, that's nice. You were standing there with your long brown hair. Some salami, some cold cats. The cross from me. Nice cheese here.

I forget the words. Yeah, but that was beautiful. Wow. Tom, thank you for that. I said, please. Put me on the spot. You know, I don't know. Wonderful.

Tom, if you were a wild animal. A for effort. A for effort. And B for baby duck. I'm what? Tom, if you were a wild animal, a wild, not a domestic. animal. Don't give me that crap,

green. If you're a wild animal, what are you? Duck-billed platypus. Wow, perfect. Yeah, because I have all the benefits of being a mammal. Yeah. You know, fur, but I also have the benefits of being a marsupial.

Yeah. It's actually, is it a marsupial? It lays eggs. Yeah, they lay eggs. A male that lays eggs. So I can lay eggs. Oh, my God. I got a duck bill. Can you quack? I've always wanted to go to Australia. Wow. You can Quack? Let's hear one of your quacks, Duck Bill.

I quack. Wow, that was probably an underwater quack. Yeah, they sound a little different. Yeah, because they swim underwater. Yeah. Oh, my God, I've never heard an underwater quack. Wow. Is that, now he sounds like he's getting angry.

Wow. A duck. And now he just fell off a subway train or something. Tom. Tom, come back. Sorry about that. You're like duck-bilt Tarzan all of a sudden. Wow.

Are you okay? Your face was turning red. No, I mean, I just... You're really committed. Yeah. No, honestly, the real... I don't think I really would want to be a duck-billed platypus. Webbed feet.

I've always always been one of my... favorite animals because they're interesting. They're odd, too. But if you really had to live that life, I don't know. I don't like being in the water all the time. It's sort of like a bean a beaver, which I wouldn't necessarily want to be. Although it is kind of fun being a beaver, too, because you have that sneaky little way of getting into your little house and you build your own house.

But I've seen you try to chew through a tree. You're not that good at that. Yeah, no. You've got partway through a pine ones. I guess I'd probably say I'd have to be a lion. A lion. A lion. A greenland lion.

Top of the food chains. Don't have to worry about getting eaten by anybody. I guess you've got to worry about getting shot by hunters or killed by humans. Yeah. But other than that little minor detail, a lion would be nice. If I were the king of the forest, and I'd roof, and I'd be Tom Green. I love doing your podcast.

Do you love it? I realize now, as we're sort of here, You're getting into it a little more. They're enjoying yourself. We're here. We're talking. It's audio. Because I do my web television show all the time.

Oh, yeah, we got to mention that. Tom's wonderful webbivision show. And I've got on these cameras on us all the time. And the thing that's interesting, you know, you say theater of the mind. And I did radio when I was in college. I worked at the Ottawa University radio station, C.HU.O. For many years. And the thing that, you know, I forget that I love so much about radio is the fact that they can't see us.

Yeah. And, you know, that's sometimes. can intimidate you when you're on television you know you can see or you're you can if you're a little nervous people can tell you're nervous just by looking at you yeah you know they can this is this is this is this is more fun this takes that that pressure away we can make some crazy sounds we can think more about the sounds we can yeah it's wonderful low we can talk low voice we can talk like this talk like right here hello everybody hello tom how are you today I'm doing very good.

I'm feeling good to low myself. I like talking on the podcast. Tom, come back. Okay, this is a lot of fun, though. Okay, well, will you stick around? We want to do some more. Here we are. This is Harlem Williams with Tom Green on the Harlan Highway,

and we are going to be back with Tom. Be back. For more probing questions. Probing. With Tom Green. He said probing. Yeah, yeah, I said probing. He said probing.

Shut up, fart knocker. Yeah, yeah, fart knocker. Probe. Yeah, probing, yeah. Probe. Sponge nut. Jumbo shrimp, yeah. All right, we're going to be ready.

back with more, Tom Green on the Harland Highway. History. God, history can be fascinating, but it can also be... It can be devastating. You ever have one of those days where you're laying around with your girlfriend or your boyfriend. You're just laying in bed, giggling and tickling and staring at each other's eyes, and suddenly the girlfriend goes. So have you ever done this with anybody? What do you mean? You know, the thing we just did. Have you ever done that with like another girl?

Girl? Well, no, I mean, maybe I could have, but it wasn't as good. I mean, she didn't do it as great as you did, this type of thing. Oh, so you've done it before? Well, no, not really. I mean, we tried it just for a second, and it didn't work out, and we were comfortable with it, so... But you did try it. Ah! Isn't it creepy to know that the one you're with has done stuff with other people? And then as you're chit-chatting about your past The other one let something slip

That you really wish you'd never heard Yeah, and then there was at one time he tied me up And we brought the other three girls in and the other two men What? What, no, what did I say? You said you were tied up and... No, I meant my friend Carol. My friend Carol was telling me that happened to her.

No, you just said it was you. Okay, but that was then, and you know, I was... was young and wild and you know it doesn't mean anything it doesn't mean anything well in that case can we do that oh no i would never do that again oh isn't that a toughie and then that stuff's always in your head and you know you've got stuff that you could have told her too right but you didn't because maybe you were the one with the flying trapeze act and the wax candle history tells us one thing, it's to watch out about talking about your history. Because you say the wrong thing, my friend, and you might just be history.

Harlan Williams. All right, we're back here with Tom Green. Ooh, that was a long break. Yeah, that was a long break. It's good to have you here, Tom. Should we tell people this is actually one week later? Sure, we had you in a week ago. Yeah.

And now you're back for more. Absolutely. And we couldn't be happier to have Tom Green, world famous comedian actor, and let me just say this, internet pioneer. Tom Green is doing stuff on the internet people that hasn't been done, probably isn't ever going to be done by anyone else. Tom has the longest running WebOVision TV show, talk show, Tom Green's house. At Tom Green.com, you're an innovator. you're a guy who takes chances, you're a risk taker. The pioneers are the ones that leave with the arrows in their back.

Yeah, and I love, that's what I love about Tom Green. Yeah, no, it's great, and I encourage everyone listening to go to tomgreen.com and not only check out his live show, check out his archived footage of so many of Tom's incredible, hilarious adventures. He's got merchandise. You can subscribe to special segments of the Tom. Green Show, check it out, or I will come to your house and beat you with a jumbo shrimp. I love doing it. You'll, you know, first of all, hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. If you're listening to this, you definitely have to go check out all of Harlan's appearances. Harland has been a huge supporter of the show over the years. You know, the fun thing about doing it, the longer I've been doing the web show, you know, it's this huge archive, this huge archive that just essentially keeps growing. There's literally probably a thousand hours of video now on that site.

On Tomgreen.com. And it's a little world. I like to think of it like a little world, like a create-your-rearrow. own adventure. You go to the site and start clicking on things. There's secret hidden gems in those hours of footage. There's secret clubs that people can be part of. For instance,

if you watch the right video and you get to the right part, there's messages that I will send to people that they can then respond to me and there's all sorts of little games you can play. But you've got to really, really spend some time and explore. It doesn't hit you over the head right away. Like mainstream television

where you tune in, it's pretty much edited and put together in a way. where they can attract and get a whole audience to fully understand everything instantly. That's why probably it's maybe why the site is not bigger than it is at this point, is that there's a lot of great stuff on there, but it is kind of hard to find. It's like finding a needle in the haystack sometimes. I mean, there's thousands of hours of stuff on there, and you have to search around and explore.

Well, don't forget the Internet is a blossoming entity. It's still finding its legs, even though we've had it around. But the type of thing that you're doing is definitely, you know, foraging into new territory, and people will find it, and we recommend you look at it, tell your friends to look at it. It's well worth the journey. Tom, do you believe in God or do you believe in Baskin-Robbins? You have to choose. You can't have both. One or the other, seriously. Wasn't Galileo the one that said that one couldn't exist without the other? Baskin-Robbins and God.

Maybe. You know, I'm no smarty. Isn't God the 35th flavor? Are you telling me there's a flavor of ice cream called God? God ice cream, yeah. It's right. Usually in... Wow.

Yeah. How does that taste? Is there a little crunchy rice crisps in there and stuff? Yeah. It tastes a little bit like the wasabi on SpongeBob's Nutsack. Hello. Hello. No.

Wow. Look out. Looks like I'll see someone in hell. No, no. Wow. No, that was meant to be a compliment. Oh, okay. No, I do believe in God.

You do? Okay. I do. But I also believe in Baskin-Robbins, so this is why it's a difficult question to answer. It is tough. It's not easy. I didn't think you were going to come on here, and I wasn't going to just give you a pass. I would say, I would have to say, if I had to choose between God or Baskin-Robbins, I would probably have to choose God.

Just because I can't really see. Okay. You know, I can't really see what the downside of Baskin-Robins. You know, like, look, if I don't choose God, there's a possibility I could go to hell. If I don't choose Baskin Robbins, I don't get to eat ice cream. Well, what if, okay, you can't eat ice cream in hell, okay? It's too hot. I get it.

But let's say you got God standing there, and you've got a Baskin Robbins. You've obviously made your choice for God. But in the window of the Baskin Robbins, there's a sign that says Baskin Robbins, brand new flavor, Jason Priestley Cinnamon Nut Swirl This is in the Baskin Robbins Yeah I know I'm making this harder for you now Couldn't God just create

a Jason Priestley cinnamon nut swirl for me right there Couldn't God just say hey You want a Jason Priestley cinnamon nut swirl Here you know and give it to me Couldn't God give me anything? Good answer you got me. I would go with God I think Tom you got me

I would go with God Okay This is our last question here Tom And thank you for being so open with us today and honest. I'd like to be honest. And revealing and letting us peek behind the Tom Green curtain, as I said at the top of the show.

These are tough questions. They're tough, but like I said, I'm not giving you a pass, dude, just because we're friends and you're a celebrity, and forget it. This is what I do. I feel like I might start to tear up like I'm on Barbara Walters or Brian Lianhan. Well, I probe. Yeah, yeah, probe, yeah. Brian Linahan.

Yeah, probe. Brian Linehan, yes, God, guerrilla boy. What scared you when you are a little boy? Monsters, ghosts, things under the bed, behind the furnace. What scared you, was it? For me, it was the Wicked Witch of the West on Wizard of Oz. That scared me. When she came on screen, I was terrified.

I do remember that. You're Tom Green, damn it. What scared Tom Green? Okay. The little boy, Tom Green. Not now. An honest answer or something? Honest answer.

Okay. As a little boy. What scared me as a little boy? I don't recall being scared a whole... Well, you know what? I mean, this is an easy answer, but scary movies. I could never watch them, ever. I've never been able to watch scary movies.

Come on. That's probably the only thing that's really scared me because I was thinking, you know, I've lived a pretty good, I had a pretty great childhood, my parents were great, we went out to the woods, we went camping, we did all sorts of fun stuff. The only thing that I really remember being completely petrified at was scary movies.

I remember my friends all wanted to watch Freddy, you know, A nightmare on Elm Street. Yeah. And Friday, the 13th of Halloween. I couldn't even watch it. Just the movie, the music, just the music coming in would scare me. I mean, I would get so scary. Actually, let me give you a more specific.

answer, just to give you something a little more specific. Scary movie soundtrack score. It would scare you. Just the music. I mean, I could get scared. When that music would come in,

I would get scared. They run that music during an episode of Dr. Quinn Medicine woman. I'd get scared. I'd be hiding under the couch during Star Trek during when the weevils would come out. I'd be scared. Okay, so I'm hearing all that. But actual real life

stuff, well, let's see. I was scared of bears. Okay, wait, before you go into that, there's a little bit of a contradiction here. Okay. And I'm going to throw something by you because earlier in the show, you said your favorite movie was... That's true.

I was a bit older, though, when I watched that one. One of the scariest scores in film history and one of the scariest movies in film history. You're right, you're right, you're right. Did Tom Green just lie to us? No, I didn't see that when I was a kid. Tom Green, did you lie? You asked me when I was a kid.

I didn't see Jaws until I was about 15 Okay We were right almost at the edge of Tom Green Doping the listeners here I was picturing as a kid And when I was like 8 years old, 10 years old You know everybody

But good point Okay Good point I listen to my guess There is some hypocrisy there But bears You're telling me that in the real world You're scared of bears

I am scared of bears I think probably in my adult life The most scared I have ever been in my life was that time when I went up in the woods with my friend in Smooth Rock Falls. And that first night we were sleeping in that tent and we would hear these sounds outside the tent and it turned out to be beavers splashing their tail in the river

but I thought we were just about to get... Well, let me set up paying a scenario for you, okay? And tell me how you'd honestly react. This is for real. Tom Green, he's in the woods, he hears some rustling, from out of the bushes comes a big bear and the bear looks at Tom Green and says, Excuse me, do you have any more honey, Mr. Green?

What does Tom Green do when Winnie the effing pooh comes out of the bushes and towers above you demanding your damn honey? Dive for my video camera. Oh, stuff and fluff. Do not even hit record and pray. Pray. Has Winnie the Pooh ever mauled anyone, do we know? Is he a dangerous bear?

Winnie the Pooh, a Canadian invention. Is he? Well, written by a British guy, but I think he was based after Winnipeg, I think. Winnipeg is where the name came from, I believe. Oh, really? I believe so, yeah. There's a city in Manitoba called Winnipeg, yeah.

And you're telling me that Winnie the Pooh's name is a derivative of Winnipeg? I believe it is a derivative of Winnipeg. I think you might be punking me right now. You know what? I could be wrong. I'm sure that you probably know much more about this than I do, considering you're a great author of children's books yourself and animations. But I believe I've heard that.

Well, you certainly got me. There's definitely a Winnipeg Canadian Winnie the Pooh connection. Huh. Well, I've got some Googling ahead of me, my friend. I'm sure Winnie the Pooh has attacked somebody just because of that association. Yeah, I wonder, like a stripper named Honey. Like, let's say, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome to the stage, honey. Oh, stuff and fluff.

Rha! Ah! Right? Yeah, absolutely. And Eeyore's in the crowd throwing dollar bills at the stage. Oh, this is great. Right? Absolutely.

I mean, there's got to be a strip joint in the 100-acre wood, right? Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. Christopher Robbins. Tigger and all those guys. Sizzler or something? Yeah, I don't know. I wouldn't want, yeah, Christopher Robbins is a stripper, actually. Is he really?

He's like, he's one of the thunder from down under? Chippendales. They have a chippendales. No way. Imagine him coming out all oiled up in his little rubber boots. Yeah, absolutely. Ripping his yellow raincoat off and he's all oiled up. Oh, yeah.

God. Creepy. Oh, yeah, I got the things that happened in private in those woods, I think, was something we don't even want to repeat between Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Robinson. Wow, we're going down a dangerous street here. Tom, it's been a pleasure having you on the Harlan Highway. Thank you. I want to give you the last word. If there's anything, we do a thing here in 15 seconds or less, what do you want to say to citizens of the world in 15 seconds or less, Tom Green?

Citizens of the World, I would like to say, the longest. Jerry. Wow. That went right to the edge of 15. That was perfect, immaculate. It's called hitting my post. Oh, Tom is great. Everybody, I want you to go to tomgreen.

That's a little thing Harland and I like to do, by the way. We say Jerry to each other all the time. We can't talk about that. The show just ended. Okay. You can't, no. You can't go over. We're going to talk about it next time.

You can't go over the limit of the show, Tom. Jerry. Tom. Jerry. Sorry. Jerry. See, now you got me doing it. Jerry.

It's almost impossible. Spiral sticker. Okay, that's it. Forget. Spiral sticker. Go to Tomgreen.com. Hey, Jerry. Invest in Tom Green's world.

I was walking down the street the other day. I looked down on the sidewalk in front of me, and there's a big slug kind of thing walking along. Tom's gone off the deep end. It's got the glistening in the sunlight, the glistening. Tom. It jumps up, it grabs a hole to my neck. Starts this crazy kind of blood-sucking, corn in the cob, gurgling.

chicken eating french fried potato frying chicken sandwich eaten eaten send in winnie the poo yes we got to shut them down tom thank you for being on the show thank you harland check out tom green dot com this is harland williams you've been listening to the harland highway and until next time chicken chow main baby I work!