The Harland Highway - Podcast 66

Episode Date: January 29, 2010

Today's pod, surround sound, phones at the movies, pick up lines, camel toe, celebrity races, eating out, and Dr. Ascot. It's a Wavy Davy boys and girls! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

golden years wop, wop, wop, wop, wop, go, oh, old, wop, wop, wop, gold, golden years. Hi, this is David Bowie, and you're listening to the Holland Highway. No, you're not. No, you're not. That was just me doing a really horrible David Bowie thing. I don't know why. Who cares? Do we need to have answers for everything in this world?

Like, why was I even born? Who cares? imagine if I wasn't born Just imagine What would you be doing right now if I wasn't born If I my parents had never had sex And I was never born You'd be filling this half hour with something else

Isn't that weird Is it kind of weird to think about that? Is it kind of sad? Is it kind of scary? If I was never born, You and maybe think Thousands of other people right now would be doing something else, filling this time. What if that person listening now was like listening to this,

but it turned out had they used this half hour and applied it to something else, and they found the cure for cancer? But somehow they missed the window because they stopped to take a break to listen to me. Oh, no. Let's not go down that road, okay? don't blame me for that stuff folks anyways blame me for today's podcast oh my god we have a winner here folks

a winner if I may say so myself today we're going to be talking about surround sound we're going to be talking about those annoying people who pull out their cell phones in movie theaters okay

morons. We're going to be talking about pickup lines. You got any pickup lines to pick me up, player? I'm in Miami trick. We're going to be talking about something that everyone knows about, cameltoe. And it's, no, for those of you that don't know, that's not a new brand of cigarette.

Okay, I'd walk a mile for a cameltoe, no. Well, maybe I would. Well, you'll see. Then we're going to have some amazing celebrity races Oh my God, I think Vern Troyer and Bill Clinton and Dr. Phil and Mother Teresa are racing today at the Harland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We're going to be talking about eating out. And I'm talking about in a restaurant, okay, for all you freaks. And then lastly, it's Friday.

Oh, I hate this guy. But I have to do my in-house therapy session. As you know, on Fridays with Dr. He is here at the end of the show. Ah, and way do you see what this guy pulled this time on me. I don't know if it's ever gotten any worse or creepy or lower. But anyways, forget about that. This is the beginning of the show, not the end.

You're ready? Are you ready to light this rocket and let it fly? Here we go. I'm going to do a countdown here. It's time. Three, two, one. You're on the Harland Highway. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Hello, you are listening to the Harlan Highway. surround sound listen to the bombs go on listen to the gunshots listen to the lion roar listen to

the woman scream when she finds a slug crawling up her leg the earth shattering earth shaking earth trembling 500 speakers home theater experience

triple woofer bass And you live in a one-bedroom apartment or a bachelor. You know what, folks? Just spend the seven bucks and go to the movies. Good Lord. It's like being in a wind tunnel. It's like being on a vibrating exercising machine. It's like being in an earthquake.

These things are so loud and noisy. I saw my fish jump out of my fish tank Run out to the road and put out a fin and go hitchhiking Just to get away from my home theater Good God, man And you really need that if you're watching like a love story I mean, okay, it's good for the action movies If you don't mind having all the china in your China cabinet destroyed

But a love story? I mean, how loud do you want to hear Look into my eyes, Diane. No, don't make me. Yes, you must. Why? Because I love you, you, you. Ah, my ears. Think about the people living next door.

Think about the people in your neighborhood. You don't want to leave a blast zone for them. Oh, that's why. why we do this show with a nice, quiet, gentle sound system so that we don't blow you off the road. Tyler Williams,

here on the Harland Highway. Okay, I tricked you at the end there. We do have the technology to blow you off the road, but we won't. I won't do that again. Sorry, I did it again. I won't do it. Okay, listen, this is the Harland Highway, and you're listening to

Hardland Williams. Okay, I did it again. I'm sorry. Go to the movie theater. You won't have to listen to it. But what you do have to deal with at the movie theater, my friend, is the losers that feel the need to pull their cell phones out in the middle of a movie. To text or look at something or Google something or sometimes have the audacity or audacity, however,

whatever, unless you're from Boston, the audacity to pick up a phone call or start talking on their cell phone, which is extremely rude, obnoxious and annoying, by the way. And what really irks me is the people that text during a movie and they don't think they're bugging anyone. But guess what? If we're sitting behind you, like I'm a back row guy. I like the back row because then I don't. don't have anyone behind me, like breathing and snorting and playing with my hair and chewing

in my ear. You know that? So you're kicking the back of my seat or shuffling around. So I like to get the back row and then I eliminate at least one more layer of people around me that can cause problems for my movie-going experience. Are you getting the idea that I'm a bit of a... a movie theater aficionado. Yeah, I don't like to be disrupted during my movie-going experience.

I love going to the movies. It's like two hours to get away from the world, and I don't need some guy with the swine flu and sneaking in his own sandwich in, like, crinkly wax paper, and he's got, like, fidget foot. And he keeps time to the soundtrack of the movie by tapping his foot on the back of my chair. Get out of here!

But what I really can't stand are the people texting or pulling out their phones in the movie because when they do, everyone's sitting behind them can see the little glow from their screen. And suddenly you're not in a movie anymore. You're out on some enchanted evening like in Lord of the Rings country

and it's like a bunch of fireflies just popped up. and you just see these little glowing abdomens floating around in the dark and you're trying to watch a movie you're like oh my god this is so intense oh my god this is so exciting wait wait wait what's that what's that firefly that just went by oh my god there's another one

oh my god oh my god I can't watch the screen because I'm watching these little glowing fairies float around is that you tinkerbell is that you oh my god look at all the floating lights are they spirits are I am I going into of the next life, oh my God, ooh, and then you miss the best part of the movie. Because suddenly you're in the middle of a fairy cell phone light dance. It followed the glow of a shimmering light that seemed to grow distant as I grew near.

What are you texting anyways? What are you texting scenes from the movie to your friends? And then the robot came smashing through the wall. And then the robot pulled out a gun and shot the hero. yelled, you can't kill me, I'm made of lead. And then the monster says, I must kill you, or I will destroy your place. Hello? Can you not think back to the time when we didn't have cell phones and you sat through a movie just fine?

Just fine without texting or needing to talk to anyone outside of the theater. I don't remember the days before cell phones when people would pop up out of their seats in the middle of a movie, you know? six or seven dozen people during the course of a two-hour movie running up out of the theater to hit the pay phone with some urgent news blast they had oh my god oh my god I just saw Dale sitting with Karen down in row eight oh my god okay I gotta get back inside the movie's still playing no you didn't do that so don't do it now

I don't need the Lord of the Rings fairy dust magic mushroom people dancing fairy light show thank you very much now go stuff your face with a boiled cabbage i don't know why i guess that's just anger that came out but yeah stuff your face with a boiled cabbage hey are you one of the flintstones because you make my bad rock Because you've been running through my mind all day long. Yeah, you've heard them. The cheesy ass pickup lines. In fact, some of you may even be responsible for some of them, right?

So that's what I want to know today. What are your worst pickup lines that you have used? I want to hear your stupidest pickup line, your worst pickup line, your most successful pickup line. and this goes out to the guys and the girls because don't tell me girls that you don't pick up on the dudes call me let me hear them and also ladies i want to hear some of the lines that you've heard that just made you hey either cringe or end up going home with somebody you know what i want to hear the good and the bad leave a short message tell me your pickup line experiences and if I like them, I'm going to put them on the air

and you guys can hear them because I know we're going to get some real winners. Hey, are you on the Harland Highway or are you just happy to see me? Yow! Harland Williams. And speaking of picking up the opposite sex, I got to ask,

is this attractive to the man when you see a woman with a phenomenon known as Cameltoe, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun.

Don't throw your back out. I know, it's a bit crude. to even bring it up but cameltoe if you're not familiar with is a phrase that someone coined and i don't know if it was someone from the arab world where there's a large uh population of camels that circulate amongst the citizens or was it just some smart ass who was some funny drunk guy out at a bar one night i have a feeling it was the drunk guy at the bar. But anyways, the term comes from when a woman is wearing pants that are too tight

and they kind of wedge their way up into her, shall we say, the Bermuda Triangle. Okay? You know what I'm talking about? Sometimes she'll be wearing tight designer jeans or dress slacks or Spanish. or spandex, you never know. And for whatever reason, the old fabric in the pants they're wearing goes for a ride right up into the Bermuda Triangle. And what I want to know, do you think that's sexy or is it gross?

Is it disturbing? Does it look weird? I mean, it does actually look like a camel toe. So kudos to whoever came up with the term. I mean, good Lord. Probably one of the ugliest things in the world, the foot of a camel with its toes. But then again, to be fair, on the other side of the coin,

we don't really have a term for the dude who wears the tight pants and there's a bulge showing. And sometimes that bulge is in clear definition of the anatomy of the, shall we say, Oscar Meyer Weiner. So the women have the cameltoe. Should the men have a phenomenon called the mushroom cap? You know, when you can clearly see the tip of the Oscar Meyer weiner pressing against the fabric. straining to rip through

and investigate the world around it like a little baby chick cracking out of an egg. Cheap, chip, chip, chip, chip, chip. Gross. Can you imagine bumping into the duo? Imagine a couple that somehow got off on it, strutting down the boardwalk. She's got the camel toe.

He's sporting the mushroom cap. They're like the most disgusting couple on the planet. Imagine what kind of close. clothing they're wearing. Looked like something right out of three's company. Come and knock on my door. My wife's got cameltoe. I've got a big mushroom cap,

and we're the most disgusting couple ever. Okay, enough. Thank you, Harlan. You're welcome. So anyways, if you can think of a good, name for the male phenomenon, what I just dubbed the mushroom cap syndrome. If you can come up with something better or more creative, call me. Call me at the website.

The number's right there at harlomwilliams.com. It's right there on the homepage. And, boy, a lot of call-ins today. I'm asking for pickup lines. I'm asking for an alternate to the mushroom cap. And by the way, ladies, if there's an alternate to the camera, cameltoe, we're really willing to hear it as I do my worst Christopher Warkin. Christopher Warkin wants to hear the worst cabletoe.

Wow, that was bad. Why do we even do that? So there you go. A lot of homework for you guys today to phone me with your pickup lines and your alternates for camel toe and mushroom cap god bless you i want to go to the races i want to go to the races i want to go to the races i want to go to the races and i want to see some racing yeah what do you say gang uh the races you want to go to the races and i'm not talking about regular old horse racing no no no boring you know how i like to do it here at the harland highway We have our own racetrack out in the back lot, the Harland Highway racetrack, where we don't race horses.

We race 100% thoroughbred celebrities. Oat-fed, farm-raised celebrities. We put them on the track, and we let them have at it. May the best celebrity win. And here we go with our announcer, Charles Parsley. Let's go down and enjoy some races. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley.

Welcome to the Holland Highway Racetrack, where we have some wonderful celebrities lined up for you today. We have Bill Clinton in Gate 1, President Bill Clinton in Gate 2. Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil, Vern Troyer, Minnie Me, from Austin Powers in Gate 3, and Mother Teresa in Gate 4. They're lined up. Mother Teresa looking antsy and ready to go. She's got a bit of a wild look in her eye. Vern Troya, he's hard to see.

And there he goes. Vern Troyer has bolted out of the gate. Vern Troyer tearing down the track with his little tiny legs moving back and forth. And here comes Mother Teresa up in behind. The veil flapping in the wind. Mother Teresa, 95 years old and gaining on Mini Me. Here comes Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil, treading down the track. He's lumbering along, but he seems to be picking up speed.

And Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton, it looks like he's taking off his collared shirt, and he's got a T-shirt underneath with the Nike logo. saying just do it it says just do me he's flashing it at the crowd and here goes dr phil up beside mother teresa he's neck and neck with mother teresa and dr phil is bending his bald head down he's catching the sun's reflection oh and he's just blinded in mother teresa with his bald head mother teresa has taken a spill into the fence she's flipped over the fence and she's laying there unconscious there goes verne troia verne troyes falling back a little his stubby little legs his sweet little Numblins finally wearing out at him and it looks like Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is going back

to find Mother Teresa. He's taking advantage of Mother Teresa being unconscious. Oh my goodness, Bill Clinton is actually, wait a minute, Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil is down. Dr. Phil is down. Here comes Wern Troyer. He can't stop. Oh my goodness. Oh, Vern Troyer has accidentally run up Dr. Phil's bottom. We cannot see Vern Troyer, but it looks like he's run right up Dr. Phil's bottom. And now here comes Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is trying to molest Mother Teresa, but Mother Treases, she's awoken, she punches Bill Clinton in the face. She drop, kicks him in the throat. And here comes Mother Teresa. She's running down the track. She's running down the track. Bill Clinton chasing. Now he's taking his pants off. He runs after he's down to his boxers with a pitcher of a Burger King

Wharper that just says home of the whopper on the front of his underpants. And here comes Mother Teresa. Bill Clinton's almost got her. And look, can you believe it? Miracles. It's Mother Teresa crossing the finishite. Yes, Mother Teresa! My goodness, what a wonderful event. And Bill Clinton runs into the stands, and it looks like he's groping. It looks like he's groping someone in the stands, a woman in the stands. What a wonderful day at the races. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time on Celebrity races. Ah, yes, those celebrity races are exciting and fun. And you know what else is exciting and fun?

You know what else is exciting and fun, boys and girls? Going out to dinner, man. Don't you love to go out to dinner? And it doesn't have to be a fancy joint. It can be like Denny's. It could be like cheesecake factory. It could be Ruth Chris. It could be Morton's Steakhouse.

Wherever it is, it's just kind of fun. You don't have someone else making your grub. and you get all these choices, you know, as opposed to at home, you pull open the fridge, you're like, all right, I got some celery and a can of Campbell soup and some raisins. Bingo. But when you go out to eat, man, it's just, it's wide open. And the ambiance and the excitement and the anticipation for your food to come out and the different dishes. and it's just oh it's nice except hold on there's one thing that isn't nice okay how about the waiters

and the waitresses and the busboys and the managers who god bless them are just trying to do their job or trying to be professional are trying to give you a fine dining experience but don't know how annoying they are when they constantly stop and say how's everything going everything tastes all right how's that food tonight

everything good you mind if I just stick my finger in there and make sure your soup's hot oh that's delicious soup let me just try another little scoop would you get out of here I'm just trying to make sure everything's okay let me taste that pork chop get out of here Let me have some of your salad.

Put some crout on that, mother. Out! Right? And they always seem to get you just as you've put some food in your mouth. It's never just you're sitting there, you know, your mouth is empty. You just stuffed like a wedge of salad or a big gulp of soup or the first bite of a choice chunk of sirloin tip. Hi, how are you? that food tonight

I'm sorry I can't hear you I'm sorry I can't hear you I'm sorry could you speak up are you retarded wow you really are retarded wow you really are retarded right okay and it's not that they just do it

they do it multiple times I've actually been in restaurants where I've had to pull them aside go excuse me excuse me, I'm doing great, okay? My meal is great, the food is great. You got to stop stopping to ask me how it is, okay? Because that's the part that's not good. If I have a problem, I will wave to you.

I actually had to do that a couple of times. Okay? All they need to do is ask us once. It's a restaurant. There is service people wandering all over the place. if you need something, you can wave your hand. You can even go, pst, pst, hey. You can even snap your fingers and be rude about it.

Okay, you're going to find someone, and if you don't find someone, you do this, you stand up and you what? You go, well, this waiter's taking way too long. Where's my glass of water? You know what, I'm going to go get it. And you stand up and you go ask someone, or you've all done this, You even go to the waiter that isn't even your waiter, right? Because you're impatient, you're like,

excuse me, could you find out where my spaghetti is? I'm not serving the... Yeah, could you just please go find out where my meatballs are? Okay, I'll be right back. Because you're like, hey, mofo, you work here, you're part of the deal, get my grub. I need to get my eat-on player. I'm in Miami Trix.

But what really peaves me off is the multiple stops. How's everything going? Everything all right? Everything tastes good? No, everything's not going well. Why don't you come a little bit closer and here we go. Bunk! Just knock them out cold.

Now everything's just fine. Thank you very much. and again, I know you're doing your job, okay? But just do it once and buzz off. Honestly. That's like eating is intimate. It's like lovemaking. It's an intimate thing.

You make choices. You savor your food. It's in your mouth. It's oral. It's sensual. It's yummy. It's nice. Can you imagine someone popping up in the middle of

your lovemaking? Hi, how are you? How's that erection this evening? Is that erection doing okay? How's the wetness down there, sir? Is everything moist enough for you? Excellent. Let us know if we can help you. Is that nut sack a little too hairy? Let us shave that for you. Would you like some lemon water on that? Good Lord. Get out of here. Can I just stand to watch? Out! You make love like a retard. Out! so there you go if you're in the service industry if you're in the restaurant food industry ask us once if you have to i gotta be honest i don't even like the one because it always comes in the middle of a of a conversation you're just about to tell a funny

story or you're in the middle of a great story you're just getting to the climax or the punchline even worse and then the dog said hi how's that food tonight everything okay you son of a bitch is about to tell a joke oh well i could come back when you tell it again and do the punchline again get out of here mind if i watch you have sex later out i can put some soup on your butt ah yeah so there you go that's my beef did you say beef how is that beef tonight can i get you some gravy get out of here oh god I'm going to go get some drive-thru so no one can bother me here on the Harland Highway. Hello, Holland.

Oh, boy, here we go. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Holland. I just said hello. Hello, Holland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Hello, Holland. Stop it.

Holland. Would you stop saying my name? Holland Stop it Holland Okay what are we doing today Ascot Holland today we are going to talk about

Friends Friends what are you talking about friends Holland we all need friends Okay come on man Are you suggesting I have my friends in here No Holland but I have brought you a friend So you can have someone you can release to And talk to and listen to

What are you talking about brought you a friend, Holland. What is it? Right here, Holland. What the hell is that? This is a teddy ruckspin doll, Holland. A teddy ruckspin doll, the talking teddy bear? Exactly, Arland.

All you do is pull the string, and you'll have a new friend that talks to you. Oh, my God. What is this romper room? I programmed this teddy ruckspin myself, Holland, so that we'll talk to you and be personalized. Oh, you gotta be kidding. Pull the string, Holland. Okay, I'm pulling the string. Hi, Holland.

I'm Teddy Roxpin, and I'm your friend. Oh, God, that's annoying. Holland, pull it again. Hi, Howard, I'm Truddy Rockspin. And I really learned your radio show, because I'm your friend. Okay, is that enough? Pull it again, Holland. Oh.

Holland, it's therapeutic. I customized it myself, Holland, pull it again. Oh. Hi, I'm Terry Rucksprin. You want to go out for drinks? I'm your friend. Okay, there. Pull it again, Arlen.

Hi, I'm Teddy Ruxpin. And Holland Williams is a jackass. What a moron, idiot. Hey! Hey, what the hell was that? Oh, nothing, Arlen. No, I heard that. I'm pulling it again.

Hi, I'm Tuddy Rarkspin, and Harlan Williams is a big fat dilder. Hey, what the hell was that? Nothing, Holland. It's time for me to go. Bring that back here. I've got to go, Holland. It must be on something wrong with the batteries, Holland. Bring it back and come back here. Unbelievable. Have a great weekend, folks.

I'm going to go to a real shrink and try and get through this one. It's Harlan Williams. Yes, it is me. It's Harlan Williams. dealing with Dr. Ascot every Friday. What a pain. Anyway, speaking of Harlan Williams, me, I want to throw a couple of plugs here.

For those of you that live in Richmond, Virginia, okay? Richmond, Virginia in the state of Virginia. Okay, that's why I said Virginia at the end. Richmond, Virginia. I will be doing stand-up comedy live. February the 4th, 5th, and 6th, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night in Richmond, Virginia, at the Richmond, Virginia, Funny Bone Comedy Club, Thursday, the 4th, Friday, the 5th, Saturday, the 6th, go on the website here, Harlem Williams.com, and you can order your tickets by phone

or click on to their website. It's going to be a great, great outing. And if you don't actually live in the region, call someone who does. Why would you deny them the gift of Harland Williams? And secondly, let me put in on a little announcement here. I know I've been telling you about this, but my new book, The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know,

is currently available. on the internet at my web store here at harlough williams.com. I've been getting really great feedback on the book. People are laughing and liking and loving the book. But that's just the people that told me. Who knows? There might be some out there are going, God, I hate this book.

But I think you like it. If not love it, like it. And if not like it, love it. But full of funny things. The things you didn't know you didn't know. Did you know that a lot of men use onion rings to measure the length of their, you know what? Yeah, they stack onion rings. You can read out, you can read how in my book.

Did you know that soup comes from old people's bathwater? Yeah, I know. Did you know that people with tracheotomies are just land dolphins? Yeah, it's all there in the book. If you want to find out how and why this all happens and works, pick up the book. I personally autograph it at my website and the web store, harlanwilliams.com.

The things you don't know, you don't know. And then get to Richmond, Virginia, Funny Bone, February 4, 5, and 6, and check out the kid live on stage, stripping to the bit. No, doing comedy. Okay, so there you go. What a fun show. Hope you had a great time. I know I did.

And how was that show for you? Was it okay? Can I get anything else? Would you like some gravy with that show? No. All I want is some chicken chowmaine. So I can say, until next time, Chicken Chowmame, baby.

Hi, Howard. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Thank you.