The Harland Highway - Podcast 67

Episode Date: February 1, 2010

Today we read listener mail, make crank calls, and an alod friend of the show drops by the studio. Heavenly wax balls!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

on the good ship harland pop it's a good trip to the harland shop where okay enough sorry i don't know why i sing at the beginning but i do welcome my friends welcome to you um so happy you are here with me on the harland Highway. What a show. What a show. What a show. Today, we are going to be having surprise visitors in the studio. Today, today we are going to be opening the mailbag, and I'm going to be reading some of your great letters that you have been emailing to the Harland Highway here. Some of them full of praise, some of them full of anger, some of them just comments

and questions and things like that, all kinds of stuff in the mail bag and then lastly we are going to be making some crank phone calls and talking about

crank phone calls. Lots of fun here on the Harland High. So put your lead helmet on and your asparagus slippers, because I know that's what you like to wear when you get on the highway. Here we go. Are you ready? You want a little countdown? How about in French? One, two, twas, cateau. Here we go, moncharis. You are about to step onto the Holland Highway. This is Harland Williams. Oh, man. What a great day to do the podcast.

I'm just in one of those moods where I'm feeling relaxed and everything's good and I've got no tension in my life. Don't you love days like that, man? Just like, ah, nothing bothers me, you know? It's just like, it's just like the birds are singing, the clouds are floating by. And I think that's what we're going to talk about today on today's show. I want to talk about relieving your stress, because apparently it helps you to live longer.

It lessens your chance of a stroke or a heart attack. It just makes you a healthier person to not be, you... Hold on. Hello, someone at the door? Yeah, who is it? I'm in the middle of a show. Okay, come on in, who is it? Hey, senor, it's me, your gardener.

What, what, Senor Fentes? What are you doing here? Senor Fentes. Yeah, I know your name. You've been working for me for six years. See, senor, and I'm so grateful. Well, okay, I know your name. Senor Fuente.

I know. Yes, senor, I've been working for you for eight years now. Is it eight years? I thought it was six. Eight years, signor. Well, it's been a long time. I'm in the middle of a show. What can I do for you? Well, senor, you know the economy is tough.

Well, yes, the economy is tough, Senor Fentes. Fenthe. Okay. Well, senor, I noticed you've cut back on a few of my chores and my duties and my hours. Well, yes, the economy's tough on me, too. Well, senor, I'm having trouble feeding my family. Yes, I'm sorry. And going out to the pub to have some beers with my partos.

You're what? My partos. Okay, whatever that is. So I was wondering if maybe I could do a little extra work, signor. Well, my yard is only so big, signor, Fuentes. I can't, I really have nothing left to offer. Well, I brought my tools that I thought maybe I could do some work around here in your studio. Excuse me?

You know, right here in the studio. I mean, look right there on your console. It looks a little dusty. Maybe if I just start up the leaf blower, and maybe I could just blow some of this dust away. No, turn that off. Yeah, look at all that dust going on. Turn that off, Senor. Oh, this is working really good, Signor.

Turn it off! Senor, but look at all the dust I blew away. I don't care. You don't bring a leaf blower into my studio. I'm just trying to make some extra money. I'm not paying you extra money. Oh, look at your shag carpet, signor. Yes, I know.

It's a little out of date, but... No, I mean, look how long it is. It needs a trimming. Lucky for you. I brought my lawn more. What are you doing? Oh, I'm going to trip your shag carpet, seigne, signor. No, no, turn that off.

What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Turn it off! Turn it off! You're ruining my carpet! Turn it off! What is the matter, senor?

What a... Are you insane? What do you mean, senor? Look at what you just did to my carpet! Well, now it's nice and trim. You could play golf on this thing, seigneur. Do you have a putter? Would you get out of here?

Look at your curtains. What about the curtains? There's a bunch of threads hanging down off your curtain, seigneur. They're pretty frayed. Well, they're old curtains. Nothing my weed lacquer wouldn't fix, signor. What? What are you doing?

No! Get away for those curtains! Cicent! Quentin! That's quentin! Get away from... Turn it off! What the hell are you doing?

Are you mad? Oh my God, Signore. What? What? Now what? Do you have dandruff? No, I don't. It looks like you have dandruff, signor.

I don't have, okay, every now and then I get a little dandruff. Oh, Signor, Fuentes, can get that out of your hair with his rake. Look at this, senor. Ow! Ow! Get off my head! Ow! Get it out of my hair!

Oh, there's some in your eyebrows, Senor. Let me get that for you. Ow, my eyes! Woo! Get out of here! Get out! Stop it! Stop it!

Get out! Wow, signor, you sure get riled. up i'm just trying to make a little extra money i'll tell you what okay here's 30 bucks get the hell out of my studio i was hoping for a little more oh look there's some dandruff on your shoulders signor okay okay stop it stop it stop it stop it what do you want maybe well two hundred dollars signor two hundred oh there's some more dandruff on your head senor oh oh okay okay okay okay okay okay 200 Oh, that's so generous of you, senor. Get out. That'll be an extra 200. What? Get out! Okay, 120. Out! A hundred and just an even hundred? Get out of here! How about some bus fare? Get out!

Oh, my God. Can you believe it? Okay, I was having a really nice, stress-free day. Forget about that topic. Why don't we just talk about big butthole con artist? What did you call me? Get out of here! I got to take a break. We'll be right back here on the Harland Highway.

Somebody pick up all this garbage. Oh, I can do that. I got garbage bags. Get out of here! Heaven's to Mergatroyd. Let's see what the mail bringer. Give them. It's time to check the mail bag. Yep, let's check that old mail.

And remember, you can always email me at the website here, harlandwilliams.com. And if I like your letter, if it moves me, if it stimulates me, if I think there's something there, I'll read it on the air like I'm about to do right now. And this is an interesting letter. This comes from one of my listeners, Mark. He didn't leave a last name, so Mark it is.

And he wrote me a letter that was in reference to a podcast I did, podcast 59. And it was one of the podcasts where I got a little more serious. You know, the podcast took a weird turn from being goofy and funny to talking about a very sensitive. topic, the suicide of a lot of comedians that I have brushed up against in my life. And it was kind of a sad thing, but kind of as a tribute as a, I don't know, reflection or an acknowledgement of them being here, of them trying to make people laugh. I wrote a song, I performed a song with the Bare Naked Ladies and they did the music and some of the backup vocals

and I wrote the song and I was singing it and it was about that touchy topic and one of my listeners wrote in again Mark and this was his letter he said Like you, I've been disturbed by the news about Artie Lang. I've been feeling very reflective lately. I love that you explored depression on your otherwise strange and wacky podcast. Talk about keeping it real.

Hello! Seriously, thanks. And that was from Mark. And yeah, I do try to keep the show wacky and funny and silly. You know, sometimes I like to talk about more serious things. just to spice it up a little. I used this podcast as a forum for my humor and my thoughts and my ideas. And I wasn't sure what the reaction would be by talking about something that's kind of so dark and so grave.

And I guess recently Howard Stern's sidekick Artie Lang, not too long ago, tried to kill. himself, which is always troubling and sad to hear. And so it was interesting to see that someone was able to appreciate what I was talking about and be moved by it. And Mark, I thank you for your letter on that. That was a weird call by me to go there, and I'm glad you appreciated and went on the journey with me. Now here's another letter on a lighter note from someone named Sunny Gonzalez.

Wow. Don't you love that name? Sunny Gonzalez. It's like a stripper name or a drug dealer name or someone that reads books to children at preschool. Good morning, kids. My name's Sunny Gonzalez. And today we're going to read about little children. chick chick and her friend timmy the little brown mushroom yay shut up you little whores i mean

whoops so anyways sunny gonzalez wrote hey harland i love the podcast it's the best half hour on the internet well thank you very much just wanted to know if you were going to be doing shows in the los angeles area how about that well Thank you very much. And for those of you that do live in the Los Angeles area, or those of you that want to travel from all over the world to the Los Angeles area, yes, on February 19th and 20th, that's a Friday and a Saturday, February 19th and 20th, yours truly will be at the Hollywood Improv,

one of the original Hollywood comedy clubs, nostalgic, historic, just a great club. I'm going to be there ripping it up, man. Headlining at the Hollywood Improv on the 19th and 20th of February, Friday and Saturday. So come on out, and then Sony right at the end, not Sony, Sonny, Sonny right at the end wrote, Thanks, and Keep It Special Player. I think he was talking about Michael Jackson. and keep it special player thank you to sunny gonzalez i will be there at your next um

children's book um reading and then here's our last letter from the mail bag and then we'll close it up this one is from and i don't know if i'm pronouncing it right but it looks like it's Cheyenne a town. Cheyenne a town. I hope I'm saying it right. It's a difficult name to pronounce. But this guy wrote, or girl, I don't even know if Cheyana Town is a girl or a guy's name,

but I'm going to say guy. And it says, for your info, I was listening to your December 4th podcast about the IHOP food chain and it being in different places. And you said that if it was, was in Turkey and you used an accent. Well, people in Turkey don't have a packy accent. They're not like a poo from the Simpsons. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust

me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discreet shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. all right yes i did i was talking about different nationalities from all over the world going to i hop all the different nationalities representing pancakes and when i got to turkey i don't know what turkish people sound like i've never been there all i knew is that it was uh around the

region of the middle east it's in a region where people uh have strong accents and i think i kind of talk like this or something. Okay? Now, I don't know what kind of accent that is. I just went for a generic standard everyday accent. So if you are offended, I do apologize, but at the same time, man, you have no right to complain about an accent, a Turkish accent, and then turn around and call Pakistani people packies, okay?

You just kind of negated your whole plea there. You kind of disqualified yourself from feeling like you were being targeted by then in turn targeting another race of people. Oh, boy. And then he asked another question. He goes, why don't you take calls live? Why do you pre-record them? It would be more interesting to have listened to live ones. And I'm just reading what he wrote.

the reason is that I do my podcast very randomly okay sometimes I do them at three in the morning sometimes I do them in the afternoon sometimes I do them in the daytime at night time I just do them when the feeling hits me okay so for your information right now it is 7.09 p.m. Los Angeles time and to be honest I just don't have enough time and I don't have enough people to help me coordinate all the calls and set up all the technical requirements needed to take calls from people. So there you go, buddy. So next best thing, I play some of your phone calls that you leave messages,

or I do this, I read the mail. So there you go, keeping you informed, answering your emails, as you can write me too at harlandwilliams.com. And maybe you'll hear your own crazy little message bin played on the internet, playing on the podcast with some kind of ambiguous accent. Shiver me timbers, white boy. All right, that's it. Let's close up the mailbag.

We're moving on right here on the Harland Highway. Shiver me timbers. Hang on, phone's ringing. Let me get this. Hello. Have you checked the children? I don't have kids. Who is this?

I'm in the basement. Get out of the house. I don't have a basement, dude. Okay? I live in an apartment. Oh, um, yeah. I'm, I'm being. Behind the couch. Get out of the house.

Uh, nice try, dude. I'm standing right by my couch. There's no one behind the couch. Have you checked the children? Is this that idiot from when a stranger calls? Uh, no, no, it's, uh, no, it's not. Have you checked the children? I don't have kids. Well, what do you have? what do you want I got leftovers in my fridge

I got a chicken pop pie you want that Have you checked the chicken pop pie Oh my god Have you checked the chicken pop pie Have you checked the chicken pop pie Get off the line Have you checked the chicken pop pie

Get out of here I'm calling the police Oh don't do that Calling the police dude No don't I'm hanging up Yeah you better hang up I can't hang up Oh my God, I can't hang up

Oh my God, oh my God, have you checked the chicken pop by Welcome to the Harlan Highway Have you ever done that? Have you ever done a crank phone call And it kind of backfired on you I remember this was probably holy smokes I'm going back five years maybe. And I was out with some buddies, you know, having a few beers, you know,

goofing it up, yucking it up down here in Hollywood. And it was on the tail end of a really bad breakup that I'd been on. You know, it was just, you know, you get that, you know, when you're not through the window or through the door, you like, you break up. And at first you're like, yes. I broke up, I'm free, I'm away from all that BS. And then like a week goes by and you actually miss the BS and you're in that transition period

between feeling the hurt from losing someone before you get to that kind of good spot where you're feeling like all the pain is past. Well, I was in that transition phase. And so I had a fun night with my buddies, But then when I got home, you know, I was a little buzzed from a couple of Heineken's or whatever. And, you know, kind of the downer side of coming home and not having my ex-lady there got to me. So I just like, as a fluke, I just picked up the phone.

I just picked up the phone and dialed like a random number. I have no idea who it was, right? It had to be like two in the morning. One or two in the morning, right? I guess I just needed to hear a voice. So I dial this number and this really cute girl voice answers, okay? And very sultry and a little bit tired. You know how girls can be cute when they sound kind of tired on the phone?

Late at night, early in the morning. You know, you pitch them all snugly and warm and vulnerable, and they just want to be hugged and held. So there's this girl answers, and, you know, sometimes you think you can tell by a girl's voice if she's hot. I'm pretty sure that this girl was hot. You know, I think I accidentally tapped into a Hollywood model

or a haughty. And, you know, sometimes you can tell just by the way they talk. You know, you can tell when a girl's kind of confident and hot, hot and it's it's there in her speech pattern it's there in uh in in the inflection you know you could just tell and i could be wrong but i'm pretty sure i tapped into a probably a 10 out of 10 so i just hear hello and i just go hey how's it going man who is this it doesn't matter man i just i just you know doesn't really matter does it she's like okay Like, so what's going on?

She goes, I don't know, you called me. And I just started like, you know, I didn't identify myself. I had no real reason for calling. And instead of hanging up, she kind of hung on the line, man. And so I just kept talking. And she kept talking. And it kind of went from this spot where it was kind of like weird and uncomfortable. And she was like, who the hell is?

is this and i kind of slowly transitioned into i can tell from her voice she was kind of intrigued and and uh interested because i started kind of spilling my guts saying yeah i just broke up with my chick and this is what i'm doing work wise and i never gave her any specific so she never knew it was me you know i didn't i didn't go i'm the guy from a half baked and uh rocket man and You might have seen me on Leno the other night. No, I kept it very ambiguous. Although some people say my voice is pretty recognizable, but I don't think she knew who I was.

And so she just kind of started getting on the line. And then it evolved. We were on the line for about 20 minutes. And it almost felt like I was talking to an old friend or a new friend or a new girlfriend. And I just wanted to leave it neutral. I wanted to leave it, as I said, ambiguous and mysterious. But you could almost feel like a chemistry happening between us.

It was really weird. I got very comfortable. I got very open, and she got very kind of relaxed and kind of, it almost felt like we fit together. And in my head, I started going, wait a minute, is this divine intervention? Is this God? Is this God answering my prayers? and taking away my pain and my suffering and my loss

and just by weird serendipity, he plopped a new lady in my life, and I just happened to call her number. And so it started heating up, and I don't mean like graphically, I just mean, you know, we started talking more and more and getting into each other,

and I got to the point where I was like, you know what, I'm going to, I think I want to meet this girl. And I have a block call, so there's no way she had my number, right? So I'm just about to, like, kind of say, hey, man, I know this is weird, and I know I called you in the middle of the night, and this was really a crank call. Like, I kind of admitted that to her. And I was just about to ask her for my number, and my cordless phone started going,

Beep, beep, beep, and I like, oh, my God, my battery's about to die. So I think I was like, look, I know this is crazy, but do you think I could maybe get your number? I'd like to talk. And I know she would have given me her number, man, because it was just going that way. Isn't that bizarre? To this day, I've wondered. I even phoned the operator and said, look, can you track the last number I just called? And I tried all these things.

I looked on my phone bill. I tried redial. I tried all this stuff to no avail. So I was when a stranger calls one night. And I might have found the girl of my dreams. But thanks to a dead battery. We are never able to meet, and to this day, I don't know who the love of my life is. So sad.

So very sad. Now, cut to her on the other end. She's like, yeah, some drum creep called me. What a dork. I just felt sorry for him, so I was talking to the loser. Thank God his damn battery died. But I don't think so, man. You can tell when a person's kind of getting into you, kind of the way I can tell you.

Getting into me right now, player. Leam back. I'm in Miami, Tric! Hello, I'm in seafood. Hi, how are you today? Hi, how about you? Excellent, thanks. I'm wondering if you were running any specials today.

Special, we have some lobster light shrimp. Ooh. Oh, and we go to a seafood as well as well, so it's special in your seafood. Ooh, I love seafood. Do you have any shrimps? What are you want to go over here? I like jumbo shrimps. Jumbo shrimp?

We have some, yeah, we have some jumbo shrimp, yeah? How long are they? Yeah. You mean how long it takes to cook? You mean how long it takes to cook? How long are they physically? Uh... Six inches or so?

Mm-hmm. Six or seven inches? What do you mean? How long are the jumbo shrimp? I don't know. 7 inches? Hmm? 7 inches long?

What's that? 7 inches? Or 20, I don't know. Possibly 8 inches long, the jumbo shrimp? Yeah, yeah, it's almost like this size. Pardon me? Yeah. 7 inches?

No, no, we don't have 7 inches. What about 6? I have 5. 5 inches? Hmm? Good question. I'll be right over. Hello?

Hello? It's Harland Williams. Oh, yeah, Jumbo Shrimp, everybody's favorite. And speaking of Jumbo, how about some Jumbo comedy, ladies and gentlemen? Little plug here. I'm going to be doing live stand-up comedy. comedy in Richmond, Virginia at the Richmond, Virginia, Funny Bone, February 4, 5, and 6. It's going to be a great time.

You can order your tickets online right here at Harlandwiliams.com. Just go to my stand-up schedule. You can see the phone number for the box office, or you can click the email link and order online. And if you don't live in Richmond, Virginia, and you know someone that does, let them know that daddy's coming to town, man. Don't deprive them of the laughter. Laughter is the best medicine. And so is jumbo shrimp.

And then lastly, let me mention to you again. My brand new book is available in the web store. I'm very proud of it, very excited about it. If you're going on a flight or you're going on a trip, or you like to read before you go to bed and you want some stimulating, funny stuff to fill your brain with. Pick up my new book. I personally autograph it at the website, harlornwilliams.com.

My new book, The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. The book is full of all kinds of crazy facts you didn't know about. Like, did you know that drafts are just leopards that were in elevator door accidents? Yeah, leopards like to prowl office buildings And sometimes when they get in the elevator They get stuck And so office workers who love animals Will come and try to pull the leopard out

But its head will get stuck in the elevator door And the office workers pull and pull And stretch the poor little thing And when it's done, it's a giraffe You still want the book? No, it's fun It's full of ridiculous little facts like that, and I think you'll enjoy it.

Autograph by me at the web store, and there you go. So this is it. Podcast is over. Go get on the phone. Order yourself some jumbos shrimp. And while you're at it, why don't you grab some fresh chicken chow main, baby? Catch you next time here on the Harland Highway.

Five inches? Good Christ, I'll be right over.