The Harland Highway - Podcast 68

Episode Date: February 3, 2010

Man reports a UFO, Hand shakes and your health, Space sex, and so much more. Holy hulllaballoo!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ground control to major tom commencing countdown engines on yeah that's right you're ready to take off here on the harland highway and today yes i'm excited we are going to be talking to a guy who saw a UFO a real legitimate UFO amazing i'm so excited we're going to do that right off the top of the show then we're going to be talking about space Sex. Has anyone here had sex in outer space? And then we're going to be talking about an important health issue, handshakes, and the implications and how handshakes affect your health, and just your hands and your fingers in general, how they could lead, a handshake could lead to you dying. Have any of you ever died that are listening to me right now? Well, it's time to live right here on the Harland Highway. You're ready?

Come on. One, two, three, lift off. Let's go. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. I'm very excited today because I think we are taking a call today from somewhere in, I think it's in Nebraska. And we have a man, I guess his name's Dale Parsnips is calling in. And apparently this gentleman claims to have seen a UFO.

And that's something that's always fascinated me. I think most people are fascinated by UFOs. Roger is Roger. Can we get him on the line? Yes, sir. Is he calling in? Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Okay, let's put him through, Roger.

As wipe. What? I didn't say anything. Yeah, let's put them through. Okay, we've got them on the line. It's Dale Parsnips from the Midwest. Let's get them on the line and talk about this incredible sighting. Mr. Parsnips, are you there?

Yes. Yes, I am here, sir. How are you today? I'm doing great. It's fantastic to have you on the line. First of all, let me ask, are you okay? Is your family safe? Yes, sir. We are a little startled. We are a little shaken up. My son is training to be a football quarterback on the high school football team, and I was worried about his leg. Okay, so everyone's okay, but... Yes, they are, sir. All right, and you claim now, sir, you claim... Yes, I claim. Now, let me finish. All right, I'm sorry, I jumped the gun.

Sir, you claim... Yes, I claim. I said, let me finish, sir? Yes, I'm sorry. I was claiming. Yeah, you don't need to do that. I'm sorry, sir, go ahead. You claim that you saw a UFO...

I guess it was hovering over your house? Yes, sir. That is absolutely 100% correct. I did have an unidentified flying object flying over my house. Okay, amazing. And how long was this object there? It has been there for two weeks, sir. We see it all the time.

It just floats over the house. I even got a picture of it with my cellular telephone. And can you describe what this UFO, this ship looked like? Yes, sir, I can. It was silver. Okay, silver. And it was shaped like a dish. Okay, that seems to be a common thing, the coloration, the dish-shaped object. How big was it?

Sir, it was, I can't estimate how big it was. when was the last time you saw this disc flying over your house well sir if i go out on my lawn here if i just step outside and there it is i can see it right now floating over my house are you kidding me yes sir but i am terrified i do not know what this is i am very frightened for my family we live in a farm community there are no neighbors in the near vicinity sir i'm very frightened very frightened very very frightened. Okay, calm down, sir. Maybe, uh, is there any more details you can give us about this, this flying disc over your house? Well, I do see some type of encryption or writing or lettering up on the side, sir. Oh my God. Uh, I cannot make out what it is. Oh my God. Uh, is there any way

you can zoom in with your cell phone? I do not have that capability, sir. What I could do is perhaps climb up on my roof and try and get closer well i don't know if i think maybe that's what i should do sir well i don't know if that's a good idea sir i'm climbing up the side of my house right now i'm on the ladder sir all right be very careful sir do you have a gun i do not but i do have my cellular telephone all right be careful sir i am on the roof i am up on the roof and i am much closer to the the flying shape disc. Okay, sir, be very careful. Where is the disc right now? It is floating, just hovering a little bit over my roof, sir, and I'm very nervous right now, sir. Okay, just approach cautiously. My God, this is unbelievable. Approach very cautiously, sir.

Can you make out the lettering you described, the numbering, the foreign language on there? Yes, sir, I can read it quite clearly now. Okay, please tell us if you can. What? language is it? I'm not sure, sir. It looks like it is English. Wow. Okay. Maybe they're trying to communicate with us. Yes, sir. Maybe they are. And you're saying it's a disc or a saucer? I'm pretty sure it's a dish, sir.

What makes you understand that it's a dish versus a saucer or... Well, I'm reading the lettering of the silver dish right now, and And it actually says dish. Excuse me? It actually says dish, as if it's reading our minds right now, sir. Wait a minute.

So you're telling me this floating disk over your roof is actually transmitting the word dish on the side of its fuselage? Well, I don't know what fuselage means, sir. I'm not a school gentleman. As I said, I'm a farmer. but it does say dish and does it say anything else yes sir it does there are some smaller letters underneath right on the side of the dish okay well what do they say uh it looks like net network network sir oh my god what net what does that mean i don't know sir i don't know wait a minute yes sir

did you say it said dish yes sir a network yes sir that is sir that is sir that is sir that is sir that is correct that is absolutely correct wait a minute is the word dish like larger than the word network yes sir that is very observant i don't know how you know that but you are in the radio you probably have satellites on me right now sir is the is the word dish in big red letters and it's right on the inside of this UFO yes sir it looks like the the UFO has a concave appearance, and the word dish network is right there on the side of this UF. Oh, my God, I'm scared. These things are going to eat my children.

I don't know what's in them. I don't know what's coming out. I'm very scared. Take it easy, sir. Can I ask you a question, sir? Yes, sir, please. I'm very frightened. This thing is probably only about three, four feet off the surface of my roof here.

Sir, do you have a satellite television? service? Yes, sir, I do. Yes, I believe we just got something installed a couple of weeks ago, and it's been wonderful. I've been watching me and my son, I've been watching all the football games. He's going to be a hot school football.

Yes, I know about your son. Sir, what was the name of the company that you got the satellite service from, sir? I, well, This is very strange, sir. As God is my witness, I believe it was a service called Dish Network. The very same words that are on the side of this UFO.

Oh, my God. Sir! Yes, please, what? Sir, that is your satellite dish. I beg your pardon. Your satellite dish, sir, when you... What's the matter? Sir, when you apply for satellite service...

The company comes out and puts a satellite dish on your roof. It rests a few feet above the surface of your roof. Well, I don't know. Well, yes, it does look like maybe the dish is attached to a stem that is bolted to my house. I think they're trying to get in my house, sir. Sir! It's a satellite dish, sir. Well, I don't know what that means, but I'm afraid there's. coming. Are we kidding

here? Who is this guy? Oh, my God. Is it? Oh, my God. Sir, relax. There are millions of these dishes all over the country, let alone all over the world. Well, I guess the invasion has begun then. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They're going to eat my boy's legs.

He's never going to make the football team. Sir, they're not going to do... Oh, my God. They're going to rape my wife. Little aliens raping my wife all up and down and inside. Stop it, sir. Oh, my children. gonna get raped and the side of my tool shed is gonna get all raped up real bad like stop it get this guy out roger get this guy off the air idiot what the hell johnny did dale parsnips are you kidding me

oh my god i'm gonna get raped all night long by the dish people you get him off oh i'm not ready to be raped get him off what's the matter with you what's the matter with you What? Where did you get this idiot? Did you not screen them? Not really. Oh, God. What a moron.

Oh, my God. I think I'm feeling a raping start. Oh, my God. Get them off! Sorry. We've got to take a break, Roger. Come on. Get your act together, man.

You're a stupid show. We'll be back right after this. Okay, as much. Base. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the start. Yeah, that's right. Space, man. NASA. Anybody want to have NASA sex?

Huh? NASA's got to start planning for sexual encounters in space as they start to plan out longer space missions for astronauts spending more time in orbit. Astronauts possibly making the long three-four-month journey to Mars. or however long it takes. Astronauts can't go without getting their groove on, man. So they've actually started to have to factor that in now.

They have to start thinking about, you know, creating space and room and mood for space sex. Wow. I don't even think Hugh Heffner's had space sex, man. I wonder if any of them have Any of the astronauts have got their groove on Man that could be kind of historic right The first human ever

To have sexual intercourse In outer space That could be like historical And what if you conceive That technically would make you the first space baby ever I want to do it I want to have NASA sex I want to create space babies.

Hello, children. Hello, father. Shut up, you little brats. Up yours, father. Clean up your galaxy, you little brats. Up yours, father. I don't even know what you're saying. We like it that way, father.

We are space babies. Imagine that, that's zero gravity. freak getting your groove on man you could just let your partner float float there floating in the air and you can like kind of come in for a landing you can just float across the room and just kind of guide yourself in man

oh yeah I thought a water band was fun but how about zero gravity gyrating. Hello, hello! Get hit in the butt by an asteroid, man. Oh,

yeah, Houston, we got a problem. Yeah, Houston, a condom just broke. We got a problem. No, we got a space, baby. That's it. I'm starting a thing. Start sending your money. We're going to build up a fund.

I want to be the first human ever to have NASA sex and create a space baby. Let's start a fun to get me in outer space, people. And I'll tell you how the Harland Highway looks from way up yonder. 1.3-5, the Fox. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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Yeah, man, that would be fun. Wow. I mean, not to get too graphic, but just picture your lady laying across the room, you know, opens her space portal, if you know what I mean, you know, opens her legs. And you're on the other side of the room about, you know, 25 feet away, and you just kind of start doing the front crawl,

like just kind of, you know, waving your arms in midair, and you're completely nude, and, you know, with a little momentum, you just start floating across the air, and you just kind of like slowly dock right into your girl. It's almost like, you know, it would almost be like plugging something into the wall just be like do you imagine just floating to your partner but then I wonder if it would be hard like just if you're floating in the air you know how you kind of get that got to get that buckaroo motion going right how you got to do the thrusting and stuff and stuff but if there's no weight, if there's nothing to press against or lean against or have pressure against, I don't know, would it be just, it almost be like

having sex with a balloon or something, it would just be like so airy. So damn airy. But anyways, what are you going to do? On to another topic. So let's get our minds out of the space sex gutter. Let's get back to planet Earth where, you know, the Earth is now crawling with viral infections and, you know, the VH1R2D2 virus,

you know, formerly known as the swine flu, but the government conveniently, like, replaced it with a bunch of numbers and letters. Are you finding that you're becoming paranoid to shake people's hands because they say that the majority of viruses, you know, cold viruses,

flu viruses, the VH1 R2D2 virus, very often and more often than not, it's transmitted through contact when you touch someone's hand who's got the virus, you know, you get it on your hand

and then apparently when you go and touch the corner of your eyes or your nose or your mouth if you if you get you put your fingers on any of those kind of uh portals into your body that's how the microscopic uh virus gets into your system so i've really become a big proponent of um the the uh fist pounding thing you know hey man give me a potato it's harvest season huh yeah just pound it man right but now i'm like you know with all the r2 D-2 virus and everything. I'm even afraid to pound it.

I've just, like, I've gone right to another level where I basically just headbutt people. It's like, uh, hey mom, hey dad, bong, bonk, bong. Ah! Why does he come home? Why did we invite him home for dinner? Yeah, man. I mean, that way it's just a split second, you know, your forehead really doesn't transmit any viruses and the other cool thing is you know half the time you just put the other person out

so you don't even have to deal with them anyone it's just like hey man how's it going bonk bong bong yeah so i'm just doing it to stay healthy you know don't don't mind me if you meet me on the street you put your hand out and i just go hey cool man bonk and you're down for the count, right? But speaking of the fist pound thing, you know, you know that thing where you, instead of shaking hands, you bring your fist together and you just kind of pop your fist? I actually like that better. Like, we live in an era where the world is crawling with viruses and SARS and, you know,

cheek de waga turkey beef and, yeah, I don't know what that one was, but, you know, I think I think, you know, it should be mandatory. It's like smoking, right? They go, you shouldn't smoke. It's illegal to smoke inside a restaurant or a building. And why? Because it's a health concern. They don't want other people getting the residue effect of smokers

inhaling the smoke, getting secondhand smoke and dying. So on the same note, since the, you know, the government and all its, the CDC or whatever it is down in Atlanta, the Center for Disease Control. I don't know if I'm saying it right. The CAA, the Triple C, I don't know. You know what I mean. The Center for Disease Control.

If they know that shaking hands transmits the disease, shouldn't they just put out like commercials and billboards and posters just saying, hey, there are deadly viruses that can kill you by saying hello to a buddy, it could cost to your life. So shouldn't they just abolish handshaking? I mean, it's not like we really need it. People do it all the time. It's like, you know, it's kind of an old-school formality.

I think handshaking was originally invented back in the Roman times or maybe even earlier. I believe, and I'm not sure, but I think it was created as a way of showing you didn't have weapons on your person or in your hand to another individual or another adversary. It's like you put your hand out as a show of, hey, man, look, I don't have a knife. I'm not holding where everything's cool. Let's talk about our turf, man.

Right? And now it's just kind of a greeting, like it's kind of like a macho thing. Hey, man, how you doing? Hey, feel my iron grip. I'm stronger than you, you little pussy. But knowing that the majority of these viruses are transmitted through the handshakes, shouldn't they, as a public safety concern, just issue that handshakes are illegal, that we can't do them no more, that they're causing people to die?

We don't need them. You've got a voice. Hey, man, how's it going? Hi, John. Hi, Mary. Hi, Bill. Hi, Sarah. Oh, hi, Harland.

Hi, Arland. Hello, Arland. No, that's not enough for me. Let me come over there and make contact with you. I need to feel your hand in my hand, that same hand that you wipe your butt and pick your nose with and lick your dirty, greasy Kentucky fried chicken fingers with. Yeah, I need to have your hand, the one that you have sex with your partner with,

the hand that you play with yourself with. Yeah, I need the one that, the hand that holds your thing when you take a leak, I need to hold that so that I can let you know that I'm so happy to see you. Oh, and P.S., please kill me. So why don't we get rid of the handshake? I like the handshake. I actually like it. I remember there was a time when I was growing up,

when I was kind of the guy that always led that off. I was always the guy that always initiated the hand. handshake because I thought it was like a courtesy. I thought it showed respect to the other person. But times they have it changed, you know? Now they got SARS and it's time to just do a greeting, you know. But getting back to the fist pump, which I like, because you're just, you know, punching knuckles and it's really brief.

And there's not enough time for there to be contact for all the enzymes to jump off of Billy McSars onto your nice clean hand. But what I hate is there's guys out there that somehow think this is cool, and I'm just going to say probably the gayest thing of all gayness. Guys that do the fist pump, and then at the end of it, they explode it. They pull their hand apart and wiggle their fingers. Like, oh, fist pump. Hey, explosion. Like suddenly they just graduated from Mime School.

uh-uh like a clenched fist and a pump is kind of macho right when you kind of explode it afterwards and make your hands flutter like you're a sparrow with a broken wing or you're like a starfish wiggling around under the ocean not so cool not so macho so drop the explosion let's stick to the fist pumps you know what screw it let's just do what i said let's go for the head bomb head bomb Or whatever they're called, head bops or whatever. Head bongs. Headbots. There. Finally got it out. Too many head butts, man. I'm losing my mind.

Right here on the Harlan Highway. Bongs! Okay, I'm gonna be honest here. I'm only about two and a half, three inches maybe. Yeah. Wait a minute. I'm talking about the length of my length. the length of my fingers, okay?

My middle fingers about two and a half, maybe three inches long. I don't have very big fingers. Is that a problem? I tried playing the guitar at one point. No can do. Okay. Uh, I got little Barney Rubble hands. Ah, okay, Fred.

Da, fuck. Okay, Fred. I don't think so, Fred. So I'm not that good on the guitar. I had to give that up. I'm not that great on the piano. It helps to have long fingers for the piano. Even though I've seen little five-year-old maestro's whip up a storm.

I think what I got are like cabbage picking fingers. I got kind of nubby fingers. I'd be good out in the field, maybe picking cabbage. I've got cabbage picking fingers out. everybody. Cabbage. Can I get you an ice coleslaw? I've got the right hands. I'm well equipped to run out the field and grab you some cabbage. Whip you up an ice cold slaw? Yeah, that's a little embarrassing. I don't even know I'm admitting this on the air. Well, how long are your fingers, gentlemen? And ladies? You know?

I don't do. Does that mean anything? You ever hear this saying? You know what they say? Small fingers, small ma-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ba-ba-ba. Yeah. How does that work out? I don't know. And no, I'm not going to tell you about my, you know what.

That's private. It's not as small as my fingers. I'll tell you that, okay? but I don't know should finger size matter girls does it matter when we're caressing your cheek would you rather have some nice

short barney rubble fingers or some long nostro frotto the vampire fingers just feels like a koala rubbing your face or something I don't know I'm happy with my fingers huh

I don't know about you but I'm going to go get some cabbage I'm going to get some cabbage. Make myself a coleslaw. Oh, yes, coleslaw. What a treat. Here's a good way to make coleslaw. If you know any kid in your neighborhood or, you know, your school or maybe your own son or daughter,

and if they've got those steel train track braces, you know, those silver braces that give them metal mouth, just grab your kid by the back of the head, grab a cabbage and just start grinding it. back and forth on his teeth. It's great for making coleslaw and cheese and you're probably like Julian fries and

all kinds of fun stuff. And here's a thing too. This is something new I'd like to try. This is where I take two different entities and bring them together and try and create a new sensation. Try this out if you can. Next time you go to the zoo

take a coleslaw, a little dish of coleslaw. Maybe you can pick some up at KFC, the only fast food joint in the world that sells coal slaw. What an odd choice. Go to the zoo with your coal slaw and go and look at the sloths.

You know, like the three-toed sloths that hang in the trees? And just stand outside its cage and eat coal slaw. And it's a new sensation. I'm going to call it, you're out for a slon sloth. Right? What are you doing,

today, Jim? Oh, man, I'm going to the zoo. I'm going for a three-hour slon-slaw. Oh, no way, man. Can I come? You got some slaw? Yeah, man. Let's go sloan-sloth, man. Right on. So there you go. A little time passer, if you got no plans for the weekend, man. KFC, big bowl of coleslaw, hit the zoo, get in front of the sloth cage, and friggin' sloth-d-slaught, dudes. Okay There you go And speaking of slaw and slothing I got a few little

stand-up comedy announcements to make here I'm going to be at the funny bone In Richmond, Virginia I'm going to be there From Let's see I guess it's February 4th Through to February 6th

I will be there In good old Richmond, Virginia And then this is really cool, If you live out in Indianapolis or in Columbus, Ohio, or anywhere in that region, April 2nd, I'm going to be at the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana, which is just outside of Indianapolis, great old, gorgeous, beautiful theater. That'll be Friday, April 2nd. You can go on Harlan Williams.com and get tickets.

And then the following night, Saturday night, April 3rd, I'll be at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio, which, again, is his gorgeous, old style, just beautiful, elegant theater. I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy, and when the stand-up comedy's finished, I'm going to come out and start doing sketch comedy with my opening act, Sean Tweedley, and we're going to be doing like a Whose Line Is It, Sketch Show performance. and if you want to get a taste of me doing sketch, sketch improv, go on YouTube and look at a show called

Thank God you're here with Harlan Williams, and you'll see me doing a fun little number. So make sure you check those dates out. All the information, tickets, showtimes are available at harlindwilliams.com. It's going to be a killer time, man. And if you can't make it, you know people that live in that region. over near Indianapolis, Anderson, or Columbus, Ohio, or even down in Richmond, Virginia.

Let them know, man. Spread the word. My mission is to make people laugh. So if I can't get to them, I'm leaving it up to you. Okay? And I'm going to leave it right there. Great being here with you today, as always. Happy Slawn Sloth. And while I'm at it, let me throw it in here.

Chicken chow, Maine, baby. Cat, hat, in French, chassehapot. In Spanish, your agato and a sombrero. In German, your a catza in a hut. I also know. Herve your a gulka in a bunk of funky in Eskimo. Why, George, I think he's got it. Now, if you will allow me, sir, but please don't think I'm pushing.

I think that I can tell you what you are in, in Russian. What? Shab. Shlapa, you're a shavka in a shlappa! Hey!