The Harland Highway - Podcast 69

Episode Date: February 5, 2010

Crank calls, whiney adults, global warming, sports, breakfast truama, celebrity races and Dr. Ascot. Sweet buttery marmalade! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The candle blew and then he appeared. The curtains flew and then he appeared singing, don't be afraid. Don't feel the Reaper. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Okay, why am I doing that? Why am I singing Don't Fear the Reaper by the Blue Oyster Cult? Makes no sense, but this show makes sense, man. Holy God!

today we are going to be making a few crank calls we're going to be talking about whiny adults how adults these days seem to be getting whinier we're going to be delving into the world of sports a little bit we're going to be touching on global warming we're going to go to the celebrity race track out here behind the studio and I think Jennifer Lopez is running today

which is going to be a treat and Toby McGuire, Spider-Man himself and a few others. I think Alanis Morissette is out on the track. Holy God. And then we're going to be talking about breakfast and areas of your breakfast that might stress you out, that might cause you grief. And then lastly, of course, it's Friday,

so I have to go visit with my moron therapist, Dr. Ascott. They make me do it. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm sure you folks probably are. So hang on. We're going to have a great show. You're ready to do this podcast. I'm ready.

Come on. Let's go, everybody. Let's rock and roll right down the good old Harlan Highway. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Okay, okay, okay, here we go, here we go, here we go. We got us a podcast. We got us a podcast, player.

Yeah, we're podding it up real nice. We're casting away, reeling up some pod. We podcasting. I want to introduce a new rivalry, okay, a brand new rivalry into the world of pop culture and to the American society, maybe in societies globally, but definitely North America. It starts at the breakfast table, okay? You ever go out to Denny's or Cracker Barrel or. or a sizzler or any like IHOP, any place like that for breakfast where you sit down

and you can order like the Wambler, scrambler, jambler, or the full moon over my hammy or the farmer's big time flapjack double eggs over your face easy. You know, you know those fancy names they give all these breakfast things. and what happens is they bring you like every type of breakfast food under the table you're like well what does that come with and the waitress is like well it comes with um three eggs any way you like them it comes with bacon sausage some hash browns a biscuit pancakes waffles french toast gravy French fries, hard-boiled eggs, syrup, and a lobster. Is that all?

No, I'm not finished yet. It also comes with a chicken leg, four buffalo hides, and Lochness Monster Ribs. You know what I mean? They just pile on the stuff. So it's stuff you can never possibly eat, But here's where the dilemma comes in. Here's where I'm talking about the new rivalry, okay?

One of the things they do is if you get that combo breakfast, they slap down your eggs, whether they're fried or scrambled, usually fried. They slap those down at exactly the same time. They slap down like three to five pancakes stacked up in a pile. Now, I don't know if there's any other entities on earth, any other forms, solid forms of mass, that lose heat quicker than a pancake or a fried egg. I mean, you know, those things lose heat faster than an Eskimo

that's had his muckluck stuck stripped off in the middle of the night. I mean, you don't eat your pancake within about 30. 35 seconds, it's stone cold, especially the one on top. That one on top, it's just like, you might as well have cooked it in the freezer, man. And then the fried eggs or scrambled eggs, you let those sit for more than like about 50 seconds. You might as well be outside chomping icicles off your rain gutter. So what traditionally happens is they plop one of the other down and you start eating. And by the time you get to the end of your eggs or your pancakes, they're lukewarm,

and you had a good warm breakfast. But when they put both of them down, bong eggs, bong pancakes, side by side, you're like, oh my God, which one do I eat first? I mean, they're both going to be cold in about 40 seconds. I can't possibly get through the eggs, but I can't leave the pancakes. And then you kind of end up eating both of them at once, as fast as you can, because you don't want one to get cold and it's disgusting, and you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, eggs, oh, wait, pancakes, ah, wait, the eggs, everything together, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you're like the Tasmanian devil at IHop, man.

Holy God, it's like a new horror movie. It's like, you know, Freddy versus Jason, Freddy versus Jason, or Predator versus Alien or King Kong versus Godzilla now we got the new one Coming this summer to a theater near you the movie everyone's been waiting for Angs versus pancakes At last the waiting is over

The duel is about to begin Who will get eaten first Who will lose their heat first Who will be the one digested At the end of the meal, don't miss. Eggs versus pancakes. Starring Tom Hanks and Cicely Tyson. You know what I mean?

Like, Cicely Tyson. Wait, what? Who the hell? Anyhow, yeah. So that's my dilemma. I don't know. Maybe you have the answer. You know, I don't have the answer.

Maybe you can call me and tell me. what to do. 323-215-1486. Because I don't know how to handle this new conflict on my breakfast table. 3-23-215-14-8-6. Tell me somebody, please, what do you eat first? The eggs or the pancakes. Don't go into the woods this summer.

Eggs versus pancakes. Okay. I think I've got the answer, people. Yes, yours truly. Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway is once again come up with a solution to a global problem. Global warming. Yes. The planet's heating up. We've got them all chip in, slow it down. And here's your answer, man. Do what I've done. And this is a free tip for me to all you listeners. A couple extra air conditioners. Throw them on full blast in your house. Make sure all your windows and doors are open. Leave your fridge and your freezer hanging open 24-7. And let's start cooling this planet back down, man. We've got to be proactive here, people.

Let the cooling begin. And I'll tell you what, while I'm at, I think I know who's causing this global warming, man. It's the Eskimos. Yeah, they're the ones up there melting the polar ice caps, doing Eskimo farts all over the ice caps. They're eating blubber up there, man. They're eating whale blubber and sealed blubber.

You know what kind of fart that'll give you, man? You know what kind of gases that'll churn up? Nibling on a beluga, scarfing down a walrus fin. They're going to build up some blubber gas, man. They're farting all over the polar ice caps and melting them. How do you think they keep those ig glues warm at night, man, huh? They're not in there freezing, are they? No, they're doing beluga walrus farts.

Eskimo farts. You're killing the planet, man. Take a chill pill there. Um-tunk-tunk-tunk-tunk-tunk-tunk-tunk-tunk-tong-tunk. And your little buddy, Gog-Ga-Cong tink, huk-tuk-tong. Hung-tong-tung-tung. Eat some vegetables. something man lay off the blubber put your air conditioner on maybe it'll blow their

farts around ugh getting hot in here the harland highway shut up okay enough for that let's uh get out of eskimo country and into italian country let's go to europe because i want to talk about a sport that I guess all of us here in America, I mean most of us, not all of us, but a lot of us, a high percentage of us, are confused by the game of soccer, okay? We're football people, we're hockey people, we're basketball people, where drive-by shooting people, soccer is just a bit too wide open and slow and long.

and, you know, I could actually get into soccer, but here's what I can't fathom. Here's what I can't 20,000 fathoms beneath the sea, okay? When there's a big penalty, they have a soccer shootout, or if there's a tie game or whatever. I don't even know the rules of the game. All I know is that at some point in the game,

you can commit a foul or a penalty will be called, or, you know, they have to break the tie or whatever, and they have a player gets an open shot on the goalie, much like a penalty shot in hockey where, you know, a player's been fouled, so the one player gets to pick up the puck at center ice and skate down one-on-one against the goalie and try and score, right? So you've got a 6-5 goalie at 230 pounds with goalie equipment on, standing in a net that's about six and a half, seven feet wide, okay?

And the goalie's got his moves and his angles and whatever. He has a very high percentage of not allowing the puck into the net. Okay, now let's cut to soccer, okay? Where you've got Lupe standing in the soccer net. There's a guy like, you know, 50, 60 feet out in front of him. the soccer net is about, I don't know, 40, 50 feet wide and about like 15, 20 feet high, something ridiculous. You've seen a soccer net, a goal. And then you got your punky little Guadalupe, the goal, he's standing there at, you know, five foot eight,

because Europeans aren't as tall as us, right? And he's standing there at 185 pounds. You know, it's kind of like throwing a softball in a barn and seeing if you can't hit something. Okay? Like if there was a cow standing in a barn, here, Clarence, throw this softball anywhere in the barn, just don't hit the cow. Okay, I could do that. Don, don, don, don't, don't. How easy is it to not hit the cow?

Well, that's what it's like when these guys take the penalty shot. These goalies just stand there. They might as well be standing out in a field. Okay, with the wind blowing and dragonflies in their hair and woodpeckers on their kneecaps. Ow! I mean, a moron could kick a free goal in this situation. It's just a bit of a goof.

It's a joke. and what happens with these goalies is they play the percentages. They play a game of 50-50, right? They don't know where the ball's going to go. It can either go to the right or to the left. So before the guy even puts it on his foot, as the guy kicking kind of just that second before he makes contact, the goalie goes, well, I'm guessing he's going to kick to the lap.

So the goalie lunges to the left And it's a guess There's no skill There's no sportsmanship involved It's just a guess Anyone could do it Now granted could the goalie Jump a little higher and a little faster

And have quicker reflexes Yeah but he's guessing And even if he guesses the right side It doesn't mean he's going to stop the ball Which is being kicked at a very hard velocity And might go in at a weird angle So, again, I'm just griping. Soccer world, you should probably think about changing the free penalty goal rule.

And maybe, like, you know, maybe goalie nets on soccer field should have, like, toolshed doors, you know? You know, the ones that kind of slide back, and then you go on the tool shed, then slide them together again. maybe the soccer net should have like sliding doors. So on a penalty shot, they slide the doors in about 20 feet on each side, like an airplane hanger, right? And they narrow the gap, so maybe it's only like six feet across. And the kicker has to show a little skill, and the goalie has a chance to show his skill.

There, look at me, rewriting the sports pages here. I don't know even how I got on this gripe. I think I was like, you know, flipping through TiVo the other day or flipping through the 9,000 channels on my television. And bingo, I just happened to see this penalty shot. And I'm like, what a joke. You could put an old lady in there with a walker and a brace on her face. It wouldn't make a difference.

You'd practically have to actually kick the ball into the lady to not get a goal. so there you go i'm asking you europeans listening change the rules make it a little more skillful and that's all i got to say about that i'm going to go uh roll up my chessboard into a ball and kick it into a chess master's face hello oh man i went to a hockey game last night an hl hockey these new uh hockey arenas i mean i was walking through this I thought I might have accidentally walked into the Waldorf Hotel. I mean, there was marble tile in the floors. I walked by, and they were selling no word of a lie,

carrot cake and chocolate upside down cake and cheesecake. I mean, I'm at a hockey game, man. I'm just waiting for a butler to walk up to me and go, your pheasant under glass is ready, sir. Would you like a nice red wine with that? No, I'd like some stale popcorn and some peanuts and a dirty glass of beer with shrapnel sitting in the bottom of it. That's what you get at a hockey game. And I want my feet stuck to the floor with hot dog relish.

And I want some guy chewing nachos in my ear. I don't need the rose-colored marble and the pheasant under glass. Thank you very much. a hockey game. Hello! He shoots, he scores. And then he goes and lays down on a nice water bed and gets room service. Huh?

Oh, man, we are getting too pampered, people. I mean, come on. It's hockey. It's barbaric hitting things with a stick. Let's keep it that way. Here, on the Harlan Highway. Australia will succumb. Hello.

Hello, this is the United States of America calling. Wait a second. He says it's the United States America calling. Hello. Hello, this is the United States of America calling. Hello. The most powerful country in the world. Wow.

I need you to say God bless America. God bless America. Say it a little louder. God bless America. Let me hear you scream it. God, God, security. Hello? Hello? It's just the United

Hello! Yeah, the most powerful country in the world, and I hate to say it, but lately, it feels like it's a bunch of schoolyard tattletails. Have you been noticing this in the press, in the media, the politicians, the news, the news, newscasters, they're all just running around like children. Instead of being constructive and looking for positive things and trying to forge forward,

they're creating this mountain of red tape and this mountain of, uh, of, of BS. Have you noticed the politicians and the newscasters and the reporters, they just run around and they're going, today President Obama said that he was going to do this, but he did that, and when he didn't do that, well, he did this and we're going to show it on our newscast. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Right, and then the politicians like, Well, President Obama didn't do this, and he said he was going to cut the taxes and raise the thing. Well, look what he did. Look what President Obama did.

Look, everybody. Look what President Obama did. Then they had people on Fox and people on MSNBC and people on CNN. Well, the mayor of Detroit said that he was going to do this. And Brad and Angelina were seeing. And George Clooney didn't report his taxes. Good Lord. It's gotten to the point where it's just like a bunch of sissies in the school yard running to the teacher.

Hey, Mrs. Smith, Billy pulled Catherine's hair. I saw him pull her hair. Yeah? Well, he pulled her hair. Okay, life happens. What do you want, Billy? Well, first of all, why are you talking like a man, Mrs. Smith? I don't know.

Well, I'm going to tell someone you're talking like a man. Oh, there you go again, Billy. you said Billy really angry I'm going to tell someone up yours Billy well that I can handle I mean God it's so frustrating watching adults you're watching the news these are grown-up people okay these are grown-up people in their 20s their 30s their 40s their 50s they all sit there behind their desks and they chastise everyone and they call everyone out no matter what they do, no one can do anything right? Well, Sarah Palin doesn't read the right magazines,

and Sarah Palin said that Russia was right outside her window, and what's wrong with her? She can't run for office. That's just retarded. Yeah, that's what I'm going to base everything on, because she said something meaningless and stupid. I'll base everything she's done in life on that. Great reporting there, reporter.

great observation in the debate there politician right are you kidding me man think about it think about a pack of kids out in the schoolyard fighting and arguing and doing the blame game and pointing and tattletailing on each other and snooping and provoking okay now take that mentality and take all that energy and all that energy and all that stuff and just attach it to a lot of the adults running around today who are supposed to be working for us as politicians who are supposed to be working for us as intelligent journalists and bringing us the news I mean my god I saw a story the other night where where some guy was going uh well the reporters on CNN they've got doctors and the doctors were helping the helping the people crushed in the earthquake now doesn't that really make them the news and not the story i mean really i mean are you kidding me people are dying they're doctors if you were on a plane flying to oklahoma and you were a doctor and someone

had a heart attack on the plane would you not get up and help them or would you would you be worried about everyone going oh look at him he's getting up he he's not in a hospital he can't do he can't help people because he's on a plane i'm gonna tell am i getting annoying yet well that's what these people are becoming annoying so if any of you are listening you know what ratchet up your game man and i'm the worst guy to be saying why don't you act mature look at me i'm doing a podcast making crank phone calls and i'm begging the I'm begging other people to be mature.

Okay, but come on, my position isn't that responsible. My position is to make people laugh, amuse them. But these guys are trying to be legit, man. Grow up. If you have an argument about something, fine, but stop looking for things. Stop nitpicking. Stop picking on someone because they said they saw Russia out there. window or Obama said something, but, you know, life got complicated and he couldn't necessarily

deliver it all the way. You know, I mean, there's bigger and more important things to nitpick about. I don't care if Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt saw each other across the room at an awards show and what the press thinks it all meant. Oh, boy. Listen to me ranting on here But you know what I mean So if anyone from the media is listening

Just grow up Get mature like me Okay Yeah just follow my lead You'll be fine Oh God listen to me Getting all riled up That's exactly what they shouldn't do

I need some R&R And I don't mean rice errone I'll eat that for dinner I need to chill out I need to relax. I need to sit back and be entertained. I think I'll get out to the celebrity race track and catch myself a nice relaxing race

out at the Harland Highway Celebrity Race track. Ah, the sun is shining. There's no clouds. The birds are singing. There's a warm wind of blowing. And I think I can smell, yeah, I can smell. from the barnyard, I smell celebrities. And that

means we must be right close to the Harland Highway Celebrity Race Track, which is just out back of the studio here at the Harland Highway. A wonderful facility where we don't race horses, no, we race through a Brad

celebrities that we keep locked up in the barn and when they're ready, when they're fit, when they're washed, when they're trained. We bring them out to race around the track. And we're going to have a great one today. Here's our commentator, Charles Parsley, to call the Celebrity Race. Good afternoon, everybody.

I'm Charles Parsley. Welcome to this beautiful day of racing here at the Hall and Highway Racetrack. Today, in Gate 1, we have Jennifer Lopez. In Gate 2, Alanis Morissette, rock legend Alanis Morissette, Jesse Jackson, Civil Rights, leader in Gate 3 and in Gate 4, Spider-Man himself, Mr. Toby McGuire. Everybody's nestling into their gate. It looks like there's a little bit of jostling. It looks like Jesse Jackson looks irritated. There they go. They're off. They're off. They're breaking away down the track. They're running down the track at full speed, trotting, galloping, making huge headway.

But it looks like Jennifer Lopez has pulled out in front. Jennifer Lopez tearing down the track. And it looks like the others are trying to make a move. But no wait. No one can seem to get around Jennifer Lopez's giant bottle. Her bottom blocking all the other races. They're trying desperately to run around and it looks like Alanis Morissette has given up. Alanis Morisset just sitting in the middle of the track combing her armpit hair. It looks like she's pulled out some yogurt and some granola bars as she braids her armpit hair. And Jesse Jackson, Jesse Jackson has seemed to have given up. He's standing by the guardrail which is painted white. He seems to be yelling at the officials. Why is this guard whale white and not black? He seems to have some kind

of problem with the color of the guardrail claiming that it's not right because it's white and it's not black. And Toby McGuire seems to be the only one not giving up the chase. He's running behind Jennifer Lopez. He's run into a buttock and he's bounced off. He's fallen down, but he gets up and with amazing agility, he charges at a buttock again and he bounces off again. He can seem to get around Jennifer Lopez's giant rear end that seems to be blocking. It looks like Toby McGuire. It looks like Tommy McGuire is taking off all his clothes. And underneath his clothes, he has his Spider-Man costume. Oh my goodness, Tommy McGuire, it is Spider-Man costume. He's taking another run at Jennifer Lopez's giant rear end. He launches himself on a rear end and he sticks to

a buttocks. He starts climbing her buttocks. He's climbing, climbing, climbing, climbing up her vast giant rear end and it looks like he's nearing the summit of a bottom Jennifer Lopez charging down the track and it looks like Toby McGuire made it to the top he's jumped off and now he's in the lead Spider-Man is in the lead

as Jennifer Lopez tries to catch up but it's too little too late it looks like Spider-Man Toby McGuire takes it at the wire what a fantastic race here today at the Holland Highway race track Toby McGuire Spider-Man

inching out fat ass Jennifer Lopez right at the end thank you and I hope you enjoyed the races you know what sucks about Fridays that that was so fun I got my heart gone that was cool most people can say TGIF thank God it's Friday well here's my life okay I have to go from the joy the excitement of the racetrack and because it's Friday I have to sit in with my things

therapist that they claim I have to do as part of my job description because somebody somewhere thinks I have a nut loose. Ah, so here I go to close out the show. I got to go and visit Dr. Ascot, T-G-I-F. And you know what the F means. Arland. Yes, Dr. Ascott, it's time to get started, Arland. Okay, what are we doing today?

Holland, today I want you to express a positive outlook into the world. What do you mean a positive outlook to the world? I want you to tell me that everything is going to be Wunderbar. What, what, Barr? Wunderbar, Holland. It is a German word meaning everything is good. Well, why am I saying it in German? German. Why don't I just say everything is good?

Holland. Yes. Do not question me. I'm a professional therapist. Yeah, well, that's under debate. Holland. No, I'm sorry. You are weird and... Holland. Creepy. Holland. And you always say my name over and over... Holland. Again. Stop it. Holland. What do I have to do?

Wunderbar What about Wunderbar pronounce it properly Holland Wunderbar Wunderbar Wunderbar

Wunderbar Wunderbar Holland Wonderbar It's with a V Holland Wunderbar I don't even

I'm not German I don't care Ireland I need you to express how good everything is Holland let me who you say

Wunderba. This is the dumbest thing I... Holland. I've ever had to do... Holland. Wunderba, Wunderba, Wunderba, Wunderba. Holland. What?

Why did you say it three times in a row quickly? Oh, just because I'm so happy, I couldn't contain myself. I had to say it three times. So it wasn't because you wanted Beetle juice to arrive. What are you talking about? Beetlejuice, Holland. If you say beetle juice three times quickly, he appears. Yeah, I wanted a German form of Beetlejuice to appear.

Holland, are you being sarcastic? Yes, I am. Wunderbar. Why is that, Wunderbar? Because you are expressing your emotion, Holland. Now let's try it again. Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

All right, Holland, I have brought a cassette, and I'm going to play some Polish poker music, and I want you to sing Wunderbar. No, I'm not too bad, Holland. Here we go. Polish poker music. Vanderbaugh. Wunderbar, Wunderbar,

Isn't this so Wunderbar? Excellent. Arland, would you like to dance? Excuse me? Would you like to do a little poker with Dr. Ascot? No, I wouldn't. It would be Vunderbar if you did. No, it wouldn't.

It would be crap a bar. What does that mean, Arland? You figure it out. I'm done. Get out of here. Get out of here, a bar. Holland. Stop saying my name a bar.

Holland. Out, Ascott. We're done. A bar. Funderbar. Exactly. Oh, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway. Bundabah.

Stop it. Bundabah. Get out. Bundabah. Out. Bundabah. Get out of here. Bundabah.

Harlan Williams. Yes, that's me, Harlan Williams. And before I close the door on another podcast here, I want to remind you of my comedy date. I will be at the Richmond, Virginia Funny Barley. bone tonight and tomorrow night, February 5th and 6th, go to Harlow Williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule and you can get all the info you need, tickets, showtimes, and all that. And then this is exciting, guys. If you live in Indiana, if you live in Ohio, yours truly, April 2nd will be at the Paramount

Theater in Anderson, Indiana. on my website once again to get ticket information. And then on Saturday, April 3rd, I will be at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. And these two theaters are just gorgeous, old style, just beautiful theaters with the big drapes and the opera seats and the gold laminate and the, you know, just gorgeous. Great venue to see stand up. And also I'm going to be doing some sketch comedy, like, who's a little bit? line is it anyway it's going to be killer so get your tickets uh if you live in uh indiana or in ohio get over to columbus or anderson um and it's going to be a blast man we're talking april

second and april third go to my website get all the info and uh if you can't go tell someone who lives out there i'm looking forward to it looking forward to seeing you know that's it for time, everybody. I hope you're feeling Wunderbaugh. And until next time, have a nice big bowl of Wunderbaugh, chicken chow main, baby.