The Harland Highway - Podcast 70

Episode Date: February 8, 2010

Let's talk about SEX baby, as well as traveling and packing. Will be discussing the USA and security issues, also modern day celebs vs old school celebs. Have fun dingbat hunters! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome Munchkins, monsters, midgets, freaks, and just friendly folks from across the foliage. That's just my own personal greeting I made up to try and get everyone under the same umbrella, Ella, Ella, Ella, Fitchgerald. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am Harland Williams, and you are you, you, you, you, you, you. and, of course, you. What a podcast we have today. What a show, what a show, what a show. Today we're going to be talking about sex, okay? I'm going to be talking a little bit about sex, a certain kind of sex.

I'm not going to tell you what kind of sex it is, but once you hear me talk about this sex, I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this sex if you're of driving age. Then we're going to be talking about traveling, packing. Yeah, packing a suitcase. Isn't that one of the funner things in life? And then we're going to get talking about the good old U.S. of A. We're going to be talking about protecting the borders.

What kind of state are we in as a country when it comes to protecting our borders, defending our citizens? And are we doing it the right way? Are we wasting money? Are we wasting time? Is there a better, more efficient way to do it? I'm going to discuss it, and I'm going to ask for your phone calls about it. And then we're going to be talking about how the United States of America is now over 400 years old.

Can you believe it? As a country, as a civilized legal country, society, 400 years old plot. And I mean, as a piece of geography, we're probably talking 4 trillion years old, okay? But for as long as our fat asses have been living on it, 400 and a couple. And I'm going to be discussing, have things gotten better or have they gotten worse? And I think the answer is it's a bit of both. We're going to be talking about things that have definitely gotten better and taken leaps and bounds. And then we're going to get to a sore spot with me

where I talk about celebrities, how the pool of celebrities in my mind has gone from amazing to really substandard. And, you know, tune in and see if you agree with me. But it's all going to happen right here, a rat to now, a right to here, player, right here with me, Harlem Williams. and you on the Harlan Highway.

You ready to do it? I'm ready to do it. Come on. Let's take our clothes off and let's go. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. ho ho ho it's harland williams here on the harland highway and are you traveling home are you coming home from a trip somewhere are you getting ready for some coming home sex ooh you know what i'm talking about right you've been on a trip

you've been away from your girlfriend or your boyfriend and you had to go away on business you had to go visit your family and you haven't had any for like a week and your little lady or your little man is picking you up at the airport and you've never driven home so fast from that airport i mean come on man you are dodging around any car that's sitting still you're going through every yellow light that there is you're doing rolling stops at the stop sign you're going up on the sidewalk you're you're taking shortcuts you never knew existed you got to get home and get it on baby daddy's been away for a week and daddy needs to get it on and your little lady's all fired up and she picked you up at the airport a little mini skirt oh oh nelly it's coming home sex

baby she's talking so well you were away i did this i did that i did little and all you can hear you're just tuning everything out man you just got your mind on one thing you got the pedal to the metal out of my way i'm having coming home sex sooner you get out of my way the sooner i'm having coming home sex get out of my way then you get in that front door There's no talking. There's no, look what I bought, look at the house, what I did do it since you've been got. You're just on each other, man. And you're just going at it right in the living room.

You don't care. You're just tearing each other's clothes off. You're having coming home sex. And right in the middle of it, you look up to take a breath. And there's the pool people standing out at the pool, staring in watching you have your coming home sex

but you don't care because you've been away and just keep going get the chlorine tablets baby that is over Christmas you know it's true man oh I feel sorry for you people that drive like

crappy little cars that can't get home fast enough, like a smart car, a Ford neon, or whatever the hell they are. You know who I'm talking to. You guys probably have to do it right in the vehicle as you're driving home, right? And how many you out there just get your loving on the run, right? Heard it from a friend who... heard it from a friend who heard it from another you'd be messing around Yeah Take it on the run, baby

You take it on the run, baby Because that's the way you want it, baby Right You're out there, you know, on a business trip At the Motel 6 or At the Sheraton Or the Hilton You mosey on down to the bar for a bloody Mary.

And there's some middle-aged housewife who, under normal circumstances, you'd be like, yeah. But you're on the road. She's in a business suit. You're lonely. She's like Angelina Jolie to you right now. Oh, my God. Look at those pock marks. Oh, God, is she delicious?

Oh, look at those cancels. Oh, my God, I can't get to, wait to get those cancels up around my neck. Oh, that cellulite. I can see it right through her skin tight ladies' large business suit. God, she's, oh, my God, Pamela Anderson. Ah, right? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, dudes. and maybe ladies.

You know, you got a nice fit hubby at home and goes jogging every morning and walks the dog, and it's the gym on the weekend. And you're out at the Columbus Holiday Inn on business. There's some guy with a beard and three chins, and she's got yellow sweat stains under the arms of his baby blue colored shirt. He's got a little paunch right down there between his belly button and his balls. He's got that little speed bump going on, and you're like, oh, my God, is that Robert Redford over there?

Is that? Oh, my God, is that Brad Pitt? Look at that hunk of meat. I can't wait to. Yeah, it's funny how things change when you're kind of desperate. when the pickings are slim, right? Uh-huh, yeah, you know who you are. You crazy mixed-up animals.

What kind of hot jinx are you planning on your next trip, huh? Boy, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. The only bad thing about going on a trip is packing your suitcase. Has anyone taking an origami class so they can fold their clothes properly? and stick their little travel bag in there. Don't you always take way too much, especially the girls. Don't call me sexist, but girls, you pack enough stuff to clothe the Donner Party. Okay?

You could clothe everyone on the airliner. If they crashed and your suitcase was the only one that floated into the island, you could clothe everybody you've got so much stuff in there 30 pairs of shoes 90 dresses outfits suit cosmetics i don't know what it is man but it ain't easy packing right you push it all in there and you sit on the suitcase it's just about shot click oh we got it shot then you go oh wait a minute Wait a minute, I forgot my other suit and those other pants and those other socks and my loafers. Open it up. You do it all again, right?

Oh, packing. Take a little trip right down the Harland Highway. And I guess that inevitably brings us to security, airport security, right? traveling, packing. It all leads to those damn security lines. And let me ask a question that you might regard as really stupid. But I'm going to throw it out there, okay? And obviously it's a deeper issue,

but I'm just going to pretend life is this simple and roll a concept by you. Okay. So think about all the money we send all over the world to protect the United States. You know, we have this proactive approach to shutting down the Taliban and destroying their camps, and let's give Pakistan $500 million or $4 billion.

Let's just hand it to them so they can, you know, start working against the Taliban in their own country and blah, blah, blah. And it goes on and on and on all the money we export to supposedly protect our interests here in the good old USA. But what if, and maybe this is selfish, I don't know, but I think when it comes to protecting yourself, you're allowed to be a little bit selfish. What if they took all those billions,

and I'm talking about billions of dollars, right? That they ship overseas to, let's face it, a lot of almost third world countries that I think is no secret the billions of dollars we've given to Pakistan has not been accounted for. Billions of dollars it's been sent to Iraq not accounted for. And it just goes on and on and it's maddening. And it all comes out of my pocket and your pocket. And at the end of the day, is it really to keep the Taliban out and the Al-Qaeda's out?

I mean, I don't know. the payoff is, you know, $300 billion to stop six guys with, you know, box cutters. Does something seem a little out of balance there? You know, to have one guy in a car blow up the side of a mall or something. Okay, I don't want anyone to die. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but does it not seem excessive? You know, it almost feels like, like, you know, let's say we live. lived in a little village and on the outskirts of the village there were some wolves you know maybe

there was like 12 wolves circling the village and you went to the village idiot and you said here uh here's um here's a 12 million dollars village idiot go and uh buy a cannon and shoot the wolves okay and the village idiot shows up like you know an hour later and green later hosen and uh You know, he's a big, big wad of cotton candy and a panda bear doll. I forgot about the wolves. So what about this? What about the old Circle the Wagon's syndrome? Remember, you know, you watch the old Western movies with the Cowboys and the Indians,

and the Indians are out there with their bows and arrows and the pioneers when they caught wind of the Indians, they'd put all the wagons in a circle and they'd hide behind the wagons and they'd just shoot out. They'd blast out at the approaching enemy. So here's my naive theory, my naive proposition. I'm sure a lot of you will like me or not like me for this one, but who cares? It's open for honest debate. what about just taking all that money and kind of working from our country like on out? Like protecting our borders and using the money here to deflect any harm that might come our way. Like how about fingerprinting everyone and scanning the irises of everyone?

and making kind of a foolproof way of documenting people as they come and go in this country. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life, They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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It's like I go to one of those self-serve home depots or the grocery store, and you basically, you know, you pick up a bag of lettuce, you scan it, the scanner goes, bo-de-lip, bag of lettuce, $2.99. Blueberry yogurt. Blueberry yogurt, $0.98. Bo-loop. Twelve boxes of Lucky Charms, 1995, because that's what I eat. You know, is there not a way we can create some kind of little chip or a bar cone? or something in the passport or the fingerprints or the irises

where we can just monitor from our own shores who the hell's coming in and on our borders set up something that's more of a defense you know what I mean instead of like the idea of handing our security off to the Pakistani government or the Afghan government

or whoever else we're handing all his money to the idea that they're like the security for us it's kind of like the difference between like you know seeing like Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks with a buff like black belt security crew around them or the President of the United States with his CIA guys with the mirrored glasses you know they're surrounding him you're like wow there's some solid security

versus imagine if the people standing around the president or the security guards you see at the mall you know the fat guy with the bum leg and the stubby pudgy lady who probably looks like she's never run for anything in her life or the flabby like you know high school kid with the zits I mean is this who we're handing our money off to, these second-rate countries that really don't have their act together.

So in closing, my question is, can we just do it all so much better from internally? Couldn't we set up the perimeter, as they say, guard the perimeter so much better than handing it off to everyone else? And basically take this approach, like, come on, come at me, boy. Yeah, come on, just try and get in here. And anyone that kind of makes a move at us, it's just like, boom, lights out. All right, there's either people going, what an idiot, or people are going, hey, man, that makes sense. But either way, don't get mad.

It's called debate. It's called discussion. And I know it's a lot more complicated. I'm not a moron, okay? But I'm just saying, there's got to be a better way than what we're doing. If you agree or disagree, call me 323215-1486. 3-2-3-2-1-5-14-86. Tell me what you think we should do.

And don't leave me a long message the way I just went through this long tirade right here. Keep it short and sweet and negative or positive. I want to hear what you think, what your solution is, on how we should protect this country, the good old U.S. of A that ain't getting any younger. We're going into the future. We've got to protect it. Did you know this country is 400 years old?

Can you believe it we're 400 years old? That's a long time, man. That is a long, long time. Look at all the things that have happened in 400 years. We went from wagon trains to space shuttles. We went from the Wells Fargo Mail Express to the internet. We went from women working the fields and toiling and doing laundry and cleaning and cooking to Rosie O'Donnell. So think about buying or giving the United States of America a birthday.

present. Maybe, I don't know, pick up some garbage. Maybe use less energy. Maybe get an electric car. Something. Do something that makes a difference. Show your country you love it. That you're happy it's alive, that it's been pumping for 400 years. Or just stick a bunch of candles in your front yard maybe 400 of them and light them and see if one of the states comes by and blows them out i don't know either way happy birthday america 400 more to you i'll tell you one thing that's really changed though and not for the better okay a lot of things as i said have gotten better. Here's something that's gone backwards, okay? Celebrities, okay? There was a time when celebrities were glamorous and mysterious and had that special something something, you know, and we were

intrigued by them and we were mystified and there was an allure and there was a sexiness and there was a charisma and there was the uh i can't touch this factor you know they were beyond our grasp beyond our reach they were higher than thou type of thing but we liked it because i don't know there was something romantic about it and what do we got today man we got the damn like reality stars we got people that do commercials that are stars we got people that are on a super bowl commercial that become a star overnight. We got Budweiser commercials, guys being stars. We got people that are game show hosts that are stars.

We've got beauty pageant people that are stars. We've got, oh, it just ain't right, man. We've gone to like, we've gone from, okay, let me give you some examples. We've gone from this, okay? We've gone from this Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. to, well, listen to Humphrey first, and then I'll fill you in on what we've come to since the days of an iconic first-rate movie star

like Humphrey Bogart. Check it out. I said I would never leave you. And you never will. What I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Those I'm no good at being noble,

but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this. crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. No, no. He's looking at you, kid. Okay, pretty impressive, right? Okay, now let's smash cut from that rate to one of our modern day celebrities.

Yeah, it's the sailors from a hit show called The Deadliest Catch. It's a bunch of goofuses running around in yellow raincoats, catching crabs. Somehow this is a top-rated show, and this is the type of celebrity we have today. Well, I'm not quite sure what the hell I'm doing out here, to tell you the truth. You know, I do run the boat out right through half in a year. You know, my brother only spends about half the year up here last year. I caught more crab than he did, actually. See, there you go.

Isn't that great? Humphrey Bogart versus a guy picking crabs from the bottom of the sea. Or how about this? How about this classic celebrity? This Primo 100% actor. Check this out. Al Pacino, full force, and look what he's competing against. Here we go.

Al Pacino. Because she's not lying. And ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution is not going to get that man today no because I'm going to get him my client

the Honorable Henry T. Fleming should go right to fucking jail the son of a bitch is guilty that man is guilty That man is a slime. He is a slime. If he's allowed to go free, then something really wrong is going on. When you are out of water.

You're out of order. You're out of order. The whole trial is out of order. They're out of order. Yeah, something's out of order when your one-time golden celebrity was a guy with that intensity and that kind of magic versus, oh, I don't know. Would you like one of your modern celebrities? Let's say one of the chubbies from the biggest loser?

I can do it today. Yes. Some more is another day. No, today is tomorrow. Oh, God. Yeah, there you go. You got your choice. You can have a celebrity who is a season-trained actor from Juilliard.

Or you could have your 600-pound celebrity whose claim to fame is eating Doritos, cupcakes, and Pringles. Okay? Or how about this classic, uh, celebrity? Uh, let's put our boy, Marlon Brando, the king of all actors, monster celebrity. Let's put him up against a modern day celebrity. Would you rather have classic Brando? As a matter of fact, there wasn't old wire at all. There was an old millionaire. And look at yourself.

Hey, look at yourself in a worn-out money dress outfit. You know, I've been on to you from the start, and not once did you pull the wall over this boy's eyes. You come in here, and you sprinkle a place with powder, and you spray perfume, and you stick a paper ladder over the light bulb, and long behold, the place is turning to Egypt, and you are the queen of the Nile, sitting there and throwing sweat on my liquor. You know what I say?

Ha ha! You hear me? Ha ha ha! Yeah, classic streetcar name Desire, or would you prefer the more modern-day celebrity, the kind you find on, let's say, the reality show, Survivor? I'm very proud of myself because I learned that no matter what situation I'm put in, no matter how hungry or thirsty I may be,

I have no choice but to be a sincere person, even if that means being unkind to someone because I truly don't trust them. It ended up getting me kicked off the game, but I ultimately feel more impressed with myself, and I'm glad to be carrying myself around as this person, and certainly not any of the others on my tribe. Yeah, there's your modern-day celebrity. There's the person you see on the Tonight Show.

There's the person you see at the red carpet events. There's the person you see the paparazzi chasing. Wow. We might have to dial the clock back 400 years. I'll take Jack Nicholson from The Shining over any of these modern-day so-called celebrities any time. Does it matter to you at all? that the owners have placed their complete confidence and trust in me,

and that I have signed a letter of agreement, a contract, in which I have accepted that responsibility. You have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is, do you? Has it ever occurred to you what would happen to my future if I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities? Has it ever occurred to you? Has it? There with me.

Why? I just want to go back to my room. What? Well, I'm very confused. I just need a chance to think things over. You've had your whole fucking life to think things over. What puts a few minutes more going to do you now? Stay away with me.

Please. Don't hurt me. I'm not going to hurt you. Stay away for me. Wendy? Stay away. Darling? of my life.

I'm not going to hurt you. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to bash your brains in. I'm going to bash him right the fuck in. Yeah. Now that's celebrity. So there's that, and then there's this.

I'm just a regular guy, nothing special. I mean, I'm, you know, I'm fun to be around, and I like being social. But usually when I look at these kind of shows, it's usually the model types. the Adonis, you know, tall, white, strapping blonde guys and big busty women and that kind of stuff. And I'm none of that. Yeah, you're not. None of you reality show freaks are. None of you are Nicholson or Pacino or can we just get back to the real celebrities?

I think I've made my point. Thank you very much. Let me slip in a quick plug so I can keep my celebrity status going here. If you want to come and see a real celebrity, yeah, I'm Pacino and Brando and Nicholson all rolled in one. I'm like a granola celebrity, man. But if you want to come and laugh, that's all I'll say. I'm not going to profess to be a big celebrity. I'm going to profess to be a guy that hopefully makes you laugh.

And that I will be doing to the best of my ability coming up this Friday and Saturday, February 12th and 13th at the Pasadena Ice House. That's in California, California, Pasadena, the Ice House Comedy Club, incredible venue. I'm going to be there two nights, February 12th and 13th. Go to my website to get tickets and the showtimes and all that. And then this is for you people in the Midwest. Oh, my God. April 2nd, I'm at the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana. And on Saturday, April 3rd, the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio.

And these are stunning, beautiful venues, old-style theaters, just gorgeous. Tickets are selling fast. So get online. Go to my website, harlemwilliams.com. Reserve your seats today. and we're going to have a killer time. I'm going to be doing stand-up and sketch style, whose line is it anyways, improv at those theater shows.

That's April 2nd and 3rd, Anderson, Indiana, and Columbus, Ohio. And let's just leave that as our final thought. Right here on the Harland Highway, and until next time, a big bowl of celebrity chicken chow main, baby. Ha-ha! You hear me? Ha-ha-ha! Thank you.