The Harland Highway - Podcast 71

Episode Date: February 10, 2010

Pre - Valentines day show. Suggestions for valentines from listeners, romantic letters, love vs technology, making out in cars, and Angelina Jolie drops by. Enjoy landlubbers! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, planet Earth. This is your leader, Harland Williams, and I order you to grind your face into a bowl of coleslaw. What? No, that's, do that after the podcast. Don't do that right out of the gate, because it'll be distracting. I need you to focus on this podcast. You can't be focusing if your face is covered with coleslaw. Okay, some of you might be able to do, but most of you, you cannot. Okay. So let's focus. We have a great show coming up today. We're getting ready for Valentine's. I'm trying to roll you into the mood.

I'm trying to set the table for you for Valentine's. Today I'm going to be reminding you about certain aspects of Valentine's. We're going to be taking some suggestions from my. listeners, they have suggestions on how to spend your valentine, some of them great, some of them maybe not so great. We're going to talk about how your technology in your home or office might interfere with your love and your love-making ability and your romance. So be careful about that.

We've got a guy coming in. Pierre de LaPrie is coming in to read some role. Romantic letters that he's written, which are just beautiful. And a special guest, one of the hottest ladies in show business is dropping by to tantalize me and tease me. And then we're going to be talking about, if you're tired of the same old routine on Valentine's Day, we're going to be talking about alternate places that you can make love on this most romantic of nights coming up on the 14th. So let's get ready to go. Don't break my heart.

Stick around. Let's get on the Harland Highway. This is Harland Williams. You're riding down the Harland Highway. I'm getting so I can understand arithmetic. real tough to understand. Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway, and Valentine's Day is coming up, people,

and I put the call out for your suggestions for romantic Valentine's Day activities. Some of you call my answering machine and left me some pretty darn good ideas, I got to say. Yo, Harlan, I got an idea for you. Get your girlfriend a shovel, put like, you know, ribbon and rapids, whatnot. and then just get her to, you know, shovel my whole street because the snow is everywhere. Thanks, Harlan. Peace. Okay, that sounds really romantic. I'll get right on that.

My name is Cheryl. Go have your pictures taken for a Valentine's portrait and then take her to a nice dinner. That would be great, I think. And you'd have something to remember that this Valentine's Day, Forever. What's the picture? Thank you very much. Bye. Uh, yeah, and maybe have another drink? That'd be great. Or two?

Great. Or three? Great. Or how about just balance a beer keg on your forehead and let it drain right down your throat? That'd be great, I think. Okay, cool. Let's see what other Valentine's suggestions we have. Hey, Harlan, my name is J.P. I think the most romantic Valentine's Day you could possibly have is going out and picking out some new

rates for the trailer. And after that, getting my girl a new shotgun and going out to shoot some skates. Strat damn, that girl can hunt. Oh, it's nice to see that the Beverly Hillbillies are still out there being romantic. Hey, Harlan. Why don't you take her to the bar and get a drunk and take her home and make hot sex with her? Aw, see, and who says that men don't know how to romance a woman anymore? I mean, come on. Oh, hey, man. Here's what you get. your girl for Valentine's Day, okay? So, like, get one of those ball gags, like, from Pulp Fiction, you know,

and you put that on her, and you get a leather writing crop, and then you singer the theme to deliver it. Duna-naer-nair-nair-nair-nair-nair-da-nair. Is that romantic enough, man? You know what, dude? In this day and age, it probably is. Well, thanks for all your calls. Happy Valentine's...

Hold on. We got one more call coming in. Hang on. Hey, Harlan. It's Stephanie from Denver. Long time, no talk. I think for Valentine's Day, you should just do me. I want to see if you remember me. Okay. We got to go. Great suggestions, everybody. Thanks for calling in. Just do me. I don't know who that is. It's Stephanie from Denver.

Never heard you. Just do me. Do what? Me. I got to go. Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway. Stephanie from Denver. Just do me. Oh, man.

Just do me, man. Does it get any more basic than that? That is just so primal. It's just like, just do me. Do what? Do your laundry? Do your hair? Do your groceries?

No, just me. Do me. Okay. Thank you. Oh, God, I love it. So, yeah, Valentine's Day, man. Do you do the person you're with on Valentine's if we're talking about doing me? Is that like a prerequisite?

Is that like a give-in? Is that like a pressure you're under? How many of you out there kind of feel like you have to have sex on Valentine's? I'd be interested. I'd be interested to hear how many of you did or didn't do it, and how many of you feel pressured to do it. You can call me at 323215-1486. And let me know.

Let me know how that went for you. 3-2-3-215-14-86. But Valentine's is all about romance, right? And so we have someone in studio today. He's a guy, I guess he's a wordsmith, he's a writer, he's just eloquent. And this guy is, I think his name's Pierre de LaPrie. And he's just world-renowned famous for writing eloquent romantic letters that just are flowery and full of romance. I'm just getting all tingly talking about it.

so uh let's bring them in and have him read one of uh his letters to us uh pierre dula pre how are you today sir i'm fine thank you very much uh this is exciting it's it's valentines and uh do you have some uh some letters for us today here on the uh the harland highway for our kind of pre valentine show yes i have some wonderful letters if i could just get to them here Yes, please. Okay, here they go. There we are. Yes, yes, go ahead and read.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Could you just read? Yes, I'm getting to it. Read! Yes, thank you. I'll never forget the evening as the moon rose up

from behind the crested mountains on the horizon line. I can never forget how we sat in front of the fireplace and looked into each other's eyes longingly, scented candles burning on the coffee table right next to us. And as you whispered sweet nothings into my ear, I slowly put my hand behind your head and pulled your face down right into the flames of the scented candles

and your forehead started to singe and melt. Hey, hey! yes what was that excuse me what the hell was that thing about the burning her face do you mind if i finish my letter well yeah but keep it romantic yes i am thank you the nightbirds whistled in the distance the crickets chirping out in the field and as slowly we stood up i twirled you around in my arms rocking you back in forth gently and we danced oh how we danced across the ballroom floor twirling and twisting harder and harder and then I purposely let you go and you twirled right into the wall and smashed into the suit of armour that was there and the gilded axe came down and split you right in the middle of your skull and as the blood dribbled excuse me as the blood dribbled down excuse me

Yes. What is that bit? Would you let me finish my letter, please? Well, that's kind of getting creepy, guy. Well, I'm afraid I'm the wordsmith and you're not. Yeah, well, you're kind of like the creepsmith. May I finish, please? Yeah, finish.

Then get out. Pardon me? Just finish. Slowly we strolled outside, walking through the heather, lined the lane through the fields that rolled through the hills. And as we stood there bathed in the moonlight, I held your hand firmly.

In fact, I held it so firmly. I heard your bones crack in your fingers and your little hand crumbled in mine, turning gelatinous and your bones and nothing more than paper mashet. Excuse me! May I finish? Hurry up!

And then as a large grizzly bear came running through the thicket, I threw you into its gaping jaws, and it ripped your lower intestine out. Hey, come on, get out of here. I'm not finished. No, you're finished. Get out. I'm really not finished. And then the grizzly ripped your cranium open and ate your brains like peanut butter from a jar.

Get out of here! But I'm not finished. Out! And then he ate your eye socket. Out! Unbelievable. God! Okay, I'm sorry about that.

Not the most romantic thing in the world. Let's move on to something a little more cheery here, shall we? And then I bobbed your head into the river and drowned your... Stock it out! Okay, now here's the Valentine's question that I kind of don't even want to ask, because I know it's going to hit some of you right where it hurts, right where the heart is. Thanks, Arland. No problem, man.

How many of you are going to be spending Valentine's alone? How many of you are maybe going online to look for a Valentine date on a match.com or, you know, one of those dating services online? dating services or worse yet how many of you and i think i know the answer and it's kind of scary how many of you are so in love with your computers and your laptops and your iPhones that you're going to spend a nice romantic evening with your damn computer hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping

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They're cutting out the human element and they're snuggling up with a hot cocoa and nestling down for a nice romantic dinner with their computer. Are you one of those? people are you going to have a computer valentines and i read something recently that said a lot of people are spending more time with their computers than with their lovers is that a little scary i mean isn't that the equivalent of maybe starting to go out with a robot i mean we don't spend more time with any other household appliance you know i don't sit around with my toaster and tell stories You know what I mean? I don't take the microwave out on the front yard and play Frisbee.

I mean, what are people doing with their computers? Maybe that's what those Starbucks computer people are. You know, you always see people at Starbucks sitting there with their computers. I always thought they were writing. Turns out they're on a date, man. I like to listen in on that. How's your chai latte? My chylotte is decent.

How is your... Frappuccino. Oh, it's excellent. Write me a letter, will you? I shall do that right away. I don't know, man. That's kind of creepy. How could you spend more time with a computer than a nice, warm, lovable human body, man?

Baby, will you come into the bedroom and make love to me right now? Oh, I'd like to, but, um, you know, I've got to touch the keypad on my apple. I'm sorry, baby. Look, we can maybe make love tomorrow when I'm going to let my computer sleep for a little while. Is that cool? Yeah.

I've got to do some Microsoft officing right now, if you know what I mean. Hello. Ooh, creepy. Wait a minute. Oh, my God, I just realized. I'm doing this show into a computer. right now.

My voice is going through a computer and bouncing back to you, people. Oh, my God! I'm on a date. Oh, my God. I love you, computer. Oh, my God. You people are listening in on our private moment. How dare you? Click. Okay, they're gone.

It's just me and you, Apple. So, you want to do a little massage? Huh? What? We're still on? Oh, my God. I got to go. Harlow Williams here. on the naughty harland highway or how about this one man if it's not your computer

there is another entity in the house that can step on the whole love life and I know you've all experienced it and it could happen to you on valentines check it out and see

if you recognize this old routine hey this is harland williams here on the Harlan Highway. What are you wearing, big boy? Yeah, you know what I'm talking. How many of you dudes out there have had phone sex? Are you women?

How many of you have had phone sex? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And I don't mean calling a phone sex line. Uh-uh. That would probably be pleasurable compared to what I'm about to talk about. How many of you have been in the middle of some kind of, whatever it is you do

and you're in the moment and it is intense and you are just in heaven and maybe you're just about to you know what and all of a sudden the phone rings and you're like okay

okay I can handle this it's stopped and then you're okay keep going baby keep and then it rings again you're like okay okay just keep going keep going I can do this and it rings again and again

it's like a nagging voice from the other room. Hey, what are you doing out there? Hey, what's going on? Da-l-l-l-l-l-ling. Hey, what are you doing? Ditt-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-ing. Hey, why are you on your knees? Ditt-l-l-l-l-ling. What position is at?

And you just, guys, you know you've had the old flagpole kind of shrivel up when that phone rings. And if you haven't, you know, No, it does if you've got an answering machine. And just when you think the phone stopped ringing, it's like, Hey, hi, this is your mother calling.

Where are you? I know you're home. You told me you're going to be home all day. Pick up, pick up, pick up. And you're just like, oh, God. Damn Panasonic telephone with answering machine and digital voice recorder and memory and redial. And instead of being your part,

partner, you just want to your phone for ruining the moment. Oh, wait a minute. Well, there goes my phone. I better go answer it. Sorry, folks. If you are not happy with this message, hang up and try again here on the Harland Highway. Okay. And, you know, speaking of, you know, romance and love and being out with your special

special. You're special somebody. How many of you guys fantasize that maybe you're out with somebody else? How many guys in the back of your head daydream that maybe you weren't with your girlfriend, Kathy, but maybe you were out at some swanky club with, uh, I don't know,

Angelina Joe Lee on your arm, huh? You're like, you know, I really love my girl and she's cool. And, you know, we like to, collect stamps together and stuff but man i wish that babe angelina joe lee was on my arm dude yeah that would be something that's that would be a dream come true for me i'm sure for every guy there's um hold on there's someone at my door hello hey oh my god oh my god yeah angelina joe lee yes you can call me angie

Angie, what do you? Oh, my God. What are you doing here? I just came here to play around, have some fun. Oh, wow. So you want to do, like, some radio bits and stuff? Yeah, I find a show very sexy, so I thought we could take a break and play around. Uh, you know, Angie, this, uh, whoa. Can you put down the microphone? I'm doing my show. I mean, Angelina, you're with Brad Pitt. You're, you're gathering children all over.

You know what? He's just meat to me and so. you take a break come on i'm excuse me i'm what there's a coffee shop down the corner you're just meat let's go you know i i i just can't stand up and walk off my show you can want me to show you put them down the headphones angelina look this has got to be a joke okay i find your show very sexy do you have a problem with that let's go i just i have listeners i have a responsibility Yes, and you have Angelina Jolie standing in your office. Come on.

What are you waiting for? I'm not, I was about to go into a bit about... Come on, let's go. I feel like I just feel like a piece of... Meat? Yes, you are. I'm your meat? Yes.

Do you have a problem with that? You know what, Angela? I might have to just call security. I've got a show to do. This is wrong. Okay, there's a coffee shop around the corner. me there, I'll be waiting for you. Wait, wait.

Okay, there she goes. I don't believe it. Angelina Jolie walks in here. I'm trying to do a show for you, people. You know, I'm going to take a little break, gather my thoughts, go get a coffee, down at the coffee shop

on the corner, and we'll be right back, the Harland Highway. with Harlan Williams. Anybody got any ice? Here's a Valentine question. Do they celebrate valentines around the globe, around the world? Is there like people in China buying like a special, you know, Chinese dumpling for the one they love?

Or like a spring roll? Oh, I love you, darling. Your spring roll. Oh, you got me that last year? Yeah, but this is a fresh one. I bought it this year. Oh, I love you, Chinglao, Ming-Gao. Yeah, I love you too, Toyin Tao, Tangai.

I don't know. Is that how it goes down in China? Germany? Yeah, I got to the Valentine, darling. Now take off your clothes immediately. Oh, okay, I do it. I don't know, man, or is this just like a North America thing? I guess I really don't know.

Maybe you can tell me. Maybe someone find out. Call my hotline [phone]. That's 3-2-3-215-14-8-6. Someone fill me in. Let me know if there's Valentine's around the world. but I was talking earlier about the pressure of having to get it on on Valentine's Day and maybe for this Valentine's Day

you know instead of if you're feeling pressure to you know do the whole seduction thing and because it's that Valentine's night you got to do it and maybe you're not into it because you know you got to kind of do it that happens sometimes right you get that kind of it's like an obligatory hello if you know what i mean it's an obligatory dancing on the ceiling lionel ritchie right so maybe um the key to uh kind of overcoming that pressure is to try it somewhere different maybe maybe go to a cheesy motel six or uh you know maybe do it in the basement behind the furnace

Or how about in the backseat of your car? Oh, out in the backseat of my 60 shed. You hop into the back to sea, well, you know it's nice and dark. I can see paradise by the best for life. How many of you have actually done it in the back seat? You've heard that saying, oh, I got her in the back seat of the car, man. Oh, yeah, I got one of those pine tree air conditioner stuck. somewhere and uh you know we got through that but it smell good i don't know do you really want to be

doing it in the back seat you know you're all twisted and bent around there's not much room you know you're making love to your girl her head stuck in the baby seat one of her feet is uh being held up in a cup holder there's a doorknob on her forehead crinkle crinkle crinkle there's like a couple of taco bell wrappers stuck in your hair and on your back You can't get your clothes off when you're in the back. See, you ever try to lift a shirt up off a woman in the back seat? It doesn't work, man. Their hands hit the roof.

It's like trying to undress an octopus back there. And then, you know, you traditionally probably do it at night, right? So when you first stop the car, it's like, oh, everything's cozy and cushy. And then it gets cold pretty quickly in a stopped car. You're like, hey, baby, oh, this is good, but I got to stop. Why? Because I'm freezing, man. I can't. Oh, my God. It's like 70 below in here. Then the windows get all steamy. You don't know who's around you. For all you know, you start here and...

It's always when you're making out in the backseat that the psycho shows up, right? Get a motel room. Go to the motel 6 or something. And that's why I ride a motorcycle. Because the only way to do it on a motorcycle is on the handlebars. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. Hi-ha! Well, however you decide to do it, on the back seat, in a cement mixer, being towed by a boat, I don't know, whatever you want.

It's love takes many different forms. Romance shows up in many different places. Just to ask anyone who works the security cam at an office building or an underground garage. They'll tell you. But regardless, wherever you end up, I hope you have a great Valentine's. It's still a few days away. But I'm just trying to get you in the mood, get you geared up. So that, you know, you don't forget.

you don't get into trouble and all the love matters of love are in check or in line. And speaking of everything being in check, I want to check in with you folks and let you know about my upcoming stand-up comedy dates. I will be performing this weekend in Pasadena, California at the Ice House, which is a great venue. It will be Friday, February 12th, and Saturday, February 13th. Get your tickets online at harlomwilliams.com. And if you live in the Midwest, this is a little early, but I'm so excited about it. I'm going to mention it now. April 2nd and April 3rd, I'm going to be doing a theater tour.

In the Midwest, I'm going to be at on April 2nd, the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana, which is about 50 minutes outside of Indianapolis, beautiful old theater. The Paramount Theater, Friday, April 2nd, and then Saturday, April 3rd. I'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the Southern Theater, which is right downtown, another gorgeous old theater. Going to be doing stand-up comedy, then taking an intermission, and then coming out and doing improv comedy, kind of like whose line is it anyway. So a really interesting, well-rounded night of comedy where the two styles of comedy stand-up and improv meet.

So that's April 2nd and 3rd, Indianapolis and Columbus, Ohio. And then February 12th and 13th, the Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena. Go to Harlow Williams.com. Click on my stand-up schedule, and it's all. right there. You can get showtimes and tickets and Bing, bang, boom, baby. But until then, happy loving. Keep it sweet.

And make sure you get your gear on for Valentine's Day. Until then, chicken chow maim, baby. Harlan loves you. Oh. On the Harlan Highway. It's Stephanie from Denver. It's you, near, near, near, near, near, near, near, near. It's due me.