The Harland Highway - Podcast 72

Episode Date: February 12, 2010

It's the Valentines day show - let's talk about love and the special someone in your wife...I mean life! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah. You hear that? There it is. The heartbeat, baby. Listen to that. Oh, yeah. That's what it's all about. The heart, right?

And that's what today's show is all about the heart. We got us a Valentine's Day show. I'm in Miami, TRI. Yeah, man, it is Valentine's Day, and are you ready? Are you prepared? Have you got the flowers and the chocolates? You get the chocolates, the French chocolates, the German chocolates, the Chinese chocolate? The Chinese chocolate. Wonderful show today, all dedicated to the day known as Valen, whoever Valentine is.

It's his day. it's all about the love and the romance we're going to be talking about the love and the romance we're going to have all kind of guests dropping by the studio and um i got i kind of have to sneak in my therapy visit today with dr askott because it's friday which might slow the show down a bit but who knows it's going to be great uh this is to all you lovers all you romantic's there. Let's get it on. And I mean that in so many ways. Let's get it on. You ready? Get your clothes off. Stand there naked. And let's get it on. Right here on the Harland Highway.

the harland highway hey hey hey hey you're rolling down the romantic harland highway on valentine's day with me harland williams who's valentine less bummer man i'm sure all you folks are going out for nice seafood dinners a red lobster or gonna sit in front of the fireplace and make love on a bearskin rug. I'll be at home

sitting in front of the fireplace. Warmest thing I'm going to have in my mouth is a oval teen, man. Bummer. That's, I'm just Oh, hold on. Someone's at the door. Come on in, hello? Hi. Oh, my God. Julia Roberts?

Hi. What are you doing here? I just came by. I was, I miss you. Wow, you were here the other day. We did a little interview. and it was really fun and I just wanted to go into the janitor's closet and molest you

hold on Julia really honestly you want to go Julia I can't say that stuff on the air man I don't care where we are I don't care about air okay I want to suck the air out of your lungs when I'm planting a seven inch deep French kiss on your mouth

Julia this isn't really appropriate. Come on, let's go to the janitor's closet. We can't go to the janitor's closet. How about the... Is there an underground garage? We're not going to the garage. Julie, you're married.

I don't care. Okay? I need you. I don't want you. I need you. You're a piece of meat. You are a piece of Harlan meat. I listen to your show every day.

And you drive me bananas. I just can't stop being horny over you, Williams? Julia, settle down, okay? Look, you've got a big-time movie career, you're a megastar, you don't need me. Oh, don't I? Okay, why don't you tell that to my dreams? What do you mean? Okay, every night I go to sleep.

I dream of you. I dream of you riding up on a white horse. I dream of you making love to me on a beach. I dream of you slamming me in a janitor's closet. Now, let's go, Williams. Julia. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's Valentine's Day.

I need some Harlan meat. Would you stop referring to me as meat? Okay, it's demeaning. It's, it, I don't like that. Oh, shut up, meat. Whoa. Julia, what? Is there a boardroom somewhere or is a cafeteria?

I'll lean over the car. machine. I don't care if I get burnt by decaf. Take me now, you hunk of meat. Julia. What? Okay, we'll go down to the underground garage. Good. Will that shut you up for a while? Yes. Let's go. I have to finish my... Let's go now. I have to finish my Valentine's Day show. I said now, meat! folks i gotta go take care of julia roberts man now meet i got to go take care of roberts happy valentine's day why me damn it no meat oh yeah it's that time of year again or you take your little honey bunny out and you romance her all up all up a lot of pressure involved with Valentine's Day.

You know what I'm talking about, that pressure to show your affection, show how deep your love is. You know, you have to kind of step out of your skin a little outside of your ordinary kind of routine where you're like, hi, honey, love you, bye, honey, love you. But on Valentine's Day, you got to like amp it up,

ratchet it up a few notches. You got to, you know, write a poem or go out for a lobster or, you know, sit by a campfire and roast a baby lizard or something romantic, right? There's pressure with that, man, especially if you're in one of those relationships where it's not gone well, right? You're kind of like in that in-between world

where you started out great and now it's not so good and you're still together, but it's more out of convenience than anything else. right you just can't be bothered to go out there and look for someone new so you stick around but then valentine's day comes and you like this person but you're not like goo goo gaga butterflies in the stomach over them so you got to kind of embellish a bit you got to fake the whole valentines oh you're the spirit that runs within my wolf and you are the wind beneath patrick suezies wind or hair or whatever he is.

You know what I mean? And it's awkward. You got to kind of fake it a little. Have you ever been in that situation? Yeah, it's always best if you're totally madly in love with someone and you do all this stuff and make all these plans and it's romantic and your heart skips a beat and you're just loving her. Or even worse, I mean, that's good, but worse, bad, not so good,

is you ever do that where you just pour your guts out, pour your heart out, and you read them a poem, you are the love of my life, like a moth flying to a candle. I singe upon your flames, you know? And you do the dinner, and you do the candles, and you play the Kenny G, and you do it all, give her presents,

and she turns around and gives you, Nothing. You ever have that happen? You got nothing. Honey, I got you all these things. Yes, I know. Well, what did you get me? Nothing. What do you mean nothing?

Nothing. It's in the dictionary, so technically, if it's in the dictionary, it exists, and that means it's something. Oh. So you see, I got you something. Well, what is it? Nothing. Oh, I see. Oh, thank you, honey. thank you, so lovely.

Shut up and order me another lobster. Yes, right away, pumpkin face. What'd you call me? I mean pumpkin pie. Isn't that a sinking, empty feeling when the ones that supposedly loves you and adores you back gets you nothing and you've done all this stuff for them? And I know love is supposed to be without, you know,

attachment. You're not supposed to... It's like give and don't worry about getting back. But I've got to tell you, it's happened to me. It hurts. You know, love is blind. It's just you're supposed to give and don't expect anything in return. Well, I'll tell you what, when you don't get anything in return, ouch!

Hello, ouch! Um, you know, stick a thumbtack in my forehead, baby. Thanks. Wow. Shut up and get me another lobster. Yes, love. Um, so there you go. Valentine's Day

the pressures of Valentine's Day whether you get anything from your lover or your baby or your schnookums or not you should always have a song in your heart for your Valentine

Are you lonesome tonight do you miss me tonight are you sorry we drift It apart Oh yeah

How about that That was my Valentine's gift To all of you romantic people out there I just serenaded you Come on man It's not like I can come to eat to your houses And bring you chocolates And roses and tickets

So I just did a little Elvis for you man Come on I know it's not great But it's the effort It's the effort to show you that Harland Williams, host of the Harland Highway, loves you. Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again? Tell me, dear, are you lonesome tonight? Oh, come on, dogs. What's up, player? What's up? Step back, player. Lean back, dog. Lean back, dog.

I ain't got no fire player Come on I'm trying to be romantic For you people How dare you mock my efforts How dare you plug your ears How dare you hold your nose And go pew

What kind of love are you giving me On VD Day players I put my neck on the chopping block For love Happy Valentine's Day everybody If I'm still around next year, I'll serenade you again. You've had ample warning. Hope you have fun tonight.

Give someone a big kiss for me. Happy Valentine's here on the Harlan Highway. Thank you. Well, thank you very much. Okay, you know how they say everything has two sides, right? There's two sides to every coin, right? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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And not to be skeptical here, not to be negative, not to be Debbie Downer, even though my name's not Debbie. It is so. It is not. It is not, Debbie, stop it. but I'll be waiting. I heard that. Do you think, you know, as well as having this day where we, you know, put an exclamation point on love, where we profess our love for our darlings, you know, and again, don't take this the wrong way,

but we do live in a society where there's a over 50% divorce rate. Ouch. Do we need a day for that? those people? Because, you know, when you think of someone who's been through a divorce, right? Okay, not only did they go down Love Street, where it all started off with flowers and roses and chocolates and butterflies and it was all great, right? They earned the Valentine's Day part, but then to go through the divorce, the hellish thing we

know as divorce, the fighting and the wrangling and the money and the he's. said she said and the bitter feelings and the animosity and the aggression and the pent-up depression and all of that stuff don't you think that those people deserve their own damn holiday okay love is a lot of work but that's kind of pleasant how about the people that get dragged through the trenches of divorce screw a holiday how about a week off every year for anyone who's been through a divorce or even a bad break give the people with bad breakups three days and the divorcees get a week i mean come on man if anyone needs to take time off work and look back and reflect and take a deep breath or just stick their head in the

toilet it's the divorced people we got to have divorce day Valentine's Day, celebrate the love. Divorce Day, I don't know if you celebrate the failed love, but you at least get some damn time off to just sulk and stay in bed all day in the dark and sniff raisins, whatever that means. So that's my proposition, brand new hollow week. Not a holiday, a hollow week for all those poor. people who have broken hearts, broken relationships, and failed marriages, I present to you

Divorce Week, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, oh my God, I need therapy. I hate this guy. I'm not afraid to say it. That's part of my therapy to express my feelings. Dr. Ascott, I hate you. No, I really do This is annoying Every Friday you put me through this I don't like it And I hate you Holland

I hate you Holland I'm glad you're expressing Your feelings Holland Yeah and I hate the way you talk It annoys me Holland And you say my name Over and

Holland And over and Holland And over and over And over Holland What are we doing today Holland

Today I want you to watch me Eat a bacon sandwich Why would I sit here and watch you eat a bacon sandwich Because I want you to understand Tolerance Holland Okay this is not Even real Holland sometimes when we're forced

To watch things we don't want to watch We learn tolerance and why do I need tolerance doctor one example would be your hatred of me yeah well I don't think that's gonna change all and watch as I put this bacon sandwich in my mouth and chew okay this is just sick oh god can you chew with your mouth closed Holland Watch Dr. Ascot chew the bacon sandwich, Holland. Oh, come on. Bacon sandwich, Holland.

Oh, you're dropping chunks of bacon. Holland, delicious bacon. Watch your doctor eat the bacon sandwich, Holland. All right, enough. What's the matter, Holland? That was disgusting, man. Just disgusting Holland

Get out of here Holland I've got a peanut butter sandwich Get out I'm not watching you eat one more thing Holland it's crunchy I don't care what it is out Out Oh I do hate that guy

Unbelievable I feel like I'm in a deli having therapy tuna salad Holland Get out of here, Ascot. God, that guy is annoying, man. I want to know what you people think of Dr. Ascot coming in here on Fridays and torturing me with his therapy. You know the number.

The number's right there on my website. At harlemwilliams.com, you can phone in, leave me a message, and tell me what you think of Dr. Jack. Dr. Ascot. Unbelievable. Do any of you go in for therapy? I wonder if any of my faithful listeners go in for therapy. Do you? I don't know.

Is therapy cool with you, people? Is therapy something that's good these days? Does it help? Does it just drain your pocketbook? Are you sitting there just kind of blabbing away and just talking for like 300 bucks an hour? I don't know, man. Some people need it, I guess. But I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, is it good? Is it bad? I don't know. I just know I'm having a hell of an experience with Dr. Ascott. I don't think there's anyone. who could annoy me more than Dr. Ascot, is there? Hey, hey, hey, it's Harlan Williams,

rolling with you on the Harlan Highway. I hope everybody's got their business together, man. I'm still scrambling to figure out a gift for my little lady. And hang on. What? Somebody's here with gift suggestions? Okay. I can use some...

Uh, let them in. Who is it? Oh, God. Not this, kid. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy. Oh, what are you doing here, kid? I heard you were looking for gift ideas, and I sure have one. Yeah? Mm-hmm. I sure do. Oh, gee, let me guess. What is it? Um, nutmeg? No. Uh, paprika? No. Uh, cilantro? No. Cinnamon? Yeah, that's right.

Cinnamon! Because I'm cinnamon boy! Hey, kid! I'm going to roll your cinnamon ass out of the studio if you just don't take a chill pill. I don't need to take a chill pill when I can snort seven lines of cinnamon! You are, you've got a problem. All you'd ever do is get cinnamon gone.

It sounds like you've been snorting the stuff. Maybe? So you're admitting you're jacked up on cinnamon. Maybe? Are you or aren't you? What do you think? Of course I'm. I am. I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Take it easy, kid. Holy God. Now, did you Java Valentine?

I sure do. And what did you get her? A candy heart. Okay, for once, a straight answer. You got her a candy heart. That's scented like cinnamon, because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Get them at it. here. Idiot. Why'd you let that guy in, Raj? He's just the dumbest kid. He makes no sense. All he ever talks about is cinnamon.

Lock the door. Jeez. You can lock me out, but you can lock out the fresh scent of cinnamon. Happy Valentine's Day. Here, on the Harlan. Cinnamon. Highway, get him out of here.

Now, for those of you who don't have a significant, other on Valentine's Day. Maybe what I'm about to say will help with that. I don't know, but, you know, the economy's bad, so maybe the upside is that you didn't have to spend money on another human being at this point in time. Does that sound bad? Is that, I don't know.

You didn't have to, you know, buy the presents. You didn't have to valet the car. You didn't have to go to the steakhouse. You didn't have to buy the presents and the cards. And, you know, who knows what else. So that's one side of it, I guess, right? And then the other side of it is, okay, you got to be alone and probably not making love to anybody tonight,

even though millions of people around the world they're making love right now. You're just sitting there listening to this. You're here with me. Wow, awkward. So, how's the weather where you are? Why are you looking at me like that? Get away, get away, get away!

Here's an interesting personal stat that I will share with you. I have four sisters, okay, And this goes back to Valentine's Day. I have four sisters, two older, too younger, right? Now, my oldest sister, Teresa, born on the same day as me, November 14th. November 14th, okay? So think about that date and then roll backwards in time exactly nine months.

Okay? How long does it take for a human baby? to be born nine months and if you roll the calendar back from november 14th what day do you land on hmm interesting valentine's day february 14th so i'm kind of happy to say this but me and my sister trisa are love babies okay i think we kind of figured out when my mom and dad did the whoopee. We just kind of rolled back the clock, and obviously they believed in Valentine's Day.

So that is an interesting statistic. I haven't Googled it or anything like that, but I wonder statistically if there is a higher percentage of babies born around, you know, that whole November 1st to end of November, or anywhere within the two weeks surrounding Valentine's Day. I wonder if statistically there is a plethora, a huge explosion of human lives. Because, you know, Valentine's Day, a lot of people probably, you know,

valentine it up, if you know what I mean. They valentine it missionary. They valentine it doggy style. They valentine it any which way but loose, right? So, I'm not going to look. I'm going to let you guys do some homework, and why don't you Google it? And if some of you come up with an answer for me, you know what to do. Call my voicemail.

You can find the number at the website at Harlanwilliams.com. And if it's not November, when there's the biggest explosion of babies, you know, percentage-wise, every year find out what it is and tell me i think that could be an interesting statistic to see what month of the year most the highest number of babies are born but i have a sneaky feeling it might be around there but i am a love baby my sister is a love baby and um i love you thank you for being on the show this special valentine show today and uh just before i go i want to give a little plug here, a little plug-y-wuggy-wuggy-doodle all the day of my stand-up comedy dates, for those of you that love Daddy's stand-up, I will be at the Auschwitch.

I will be at the Ice House in Pasadena, California, great comedy club. I will be at the Ice House February 12th and 13th. Go on the website, Harlan Williams.com, for tickets. and showtimes. It's February 12th and 13th. And then the next weekend, still in Los Angeles, February 19th and 20th, the legendary Hollywood Improv down on Melrose Boulevard. Again, tickets and showtimes are available at Harlow Williams.com. So 12th and 13th of February, the Ice House, 19th and 20th. You're going to catch me at the Hollywood Improv. And then for later on in the year, in April, April 2nd and 3rd, I will be in Anderson, Indiana, at a beautiful theater out there, the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana on the 2nd, and then in Columbus, Ohio on April 3rd, Saturday night, beautiful theater in Columbus, Ohio.

You can get all the information. Harlow Williams.com. Check my stuff. Stand Up Dates. If you don't live in the area, tell a friend who does. I'm sure they'll love you for it. And that's what today's show is all about. Love.

Okay? And just to show my love, I'm going to serenade you Elvis-style one more time as we shut the door on another episode of the Harlan Highway. Until next time, peace, love, and Elvis. And as always, chicken chow-main, baby. Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again? Tell me, dear, are you lonesome tonight?