The Harland Highway - Podcast 73

Episode Date: February 15, 2010

Today I do some cheesy love song singing for you, then we talk about falling in love, trust, and farts! What??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Umbagga, bonga, bonga, umgagawao, gambagai umbagawayo. Why am I doing an African chant to start the Harland Highway? I don't know. I don't know. I guess they just have the music in me. I've got a song in my heart. Umgagabonga, anga. Okay. Not even real words. Moron. Um, and you know what? Speaking of singing, today is a weird podcast. because I am going to sing to you today. You may be going, okay, you lost me, click.

But if you're into cheesy little love songs, me and a couple of members of the band The Bare Naked Ladies, we laid down a couple of tracks in the studio. The ladies were like, you know, they were completing one of their albums one day, and I dropped in, and I had a couple of songs, and we still had some studio time, or they still had some studio time. And we're all like, hey, let's jam out. let's jam out these songs.

So a couple of tunes with these guys. A lot of fun, just silly kind of love songs. And then on that note, we're going to be talking about falling in love. Where was the most romantic place you've ever fallen in love? And then we're going to talk about trust, those feelings of trust, the most important part of a relationship, right? outside of the hello, right? And then I'm going in a different direction.

We're talking about, I can't believe I'm going from love songs to this, but we're going to talk about burping and farting and things like that. And then oddly enough, after we get through all the burping and farting material, we'll get right back into a nice tender love song. So hang on to your helmets. Put in your corkscrews, wax up your earplugs. You're ready to do this? I'm ready.

Let's go. You are on the Harland Highway. This is Harland Williams. You know what? I'm going to start the show off with the song today. How about that? You up for that? It's just a catchy little ditty that I did with my cousin.

It's a silly little goofy, catchy little ditty type of boppy little love song. Diddy, diddle doodle, daddle, dittled, dittled, dittily all the day. Just for fun, just for a kick. kind of sappy and corny, but you know what, started off of this song. Here we go. This is me singing to you on the Harland Highway. Hey, pretty lady, where you're going? Hey, that pretty lady, where are you going?

Lady, where you're going? There you're going. Hey there, gorgeous baby. Where you're going? Hey, you're doing. What you're doing. You can walk away on love. Can't walk away on love

Can't walk away on love Can't walk away on love I said hey gorgeous mama Where you go You go I said hey Fox and Mama

Where you go in Where you go Where you go I said You can walk away on love Can walk away on love You can't walk away on love Can't turn you back on love

I said hey Hey, I said hey, I said, hey. Don't walk away from love. Don't walk away from love. That's right. Don't walk away from love. Don't walk away from love. That's right.

You're going to go to you, baby. Don't walk away from love. Baby. Come on a way you love. Don't want to make me love. Here you go to gorgeous. Maybe. Come on the way to love, hey,

don't walk away in love. You care walk away on love, you care to take you back this time, come on back to me, girl, come on back to be mine. Don't walk away on love, don't look and watch you go, come back to be my baby, I love you, don't you know? Oh, don't walk away on love, don't walk away on love, Don't walk away on love

Can't walk away on love I said hey Pretty late I said hey I'm walking with my I said hey Don't walk away with love Don't walk away with love

Don't walk away love Don't walk away Don't have a little bit of love to walk the world Don't walk the world. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha cheeseerama but i bet half of you are humming that catchy little ditty all day long

don't walk away from love don't walk away from love yeah it's a catchy little one it's cheesy man you know me and my cousin uh throw these cheesy little love songs together and we have a fun time to it i don't know why you know i was a kid They grew up listening to Iron Maiden and Black Sabbath and Jimmy Hendrix. For some reason, I like little catchy little love songs. I like to create them.

I like to sing them. You guys are like, yeah, this was definitely my last podcast with him. But don't hate the player. I'm just trying to spread the love, man. Trying to put a little bouncy step in your life. life, you know, a little catchy, bouncy, thinking about someone special in your life, maybe, which isn't a bad thing, right? God knows there's enough horrible things to talk about out there on the world, and this is like

bouncy, funny, love-de-dovey stop. And it is weird falling in love, isn't it? Isn't it like the most seesaw thing in your whole life? Like, when you're falling in love, it is so, like, you can't even. get your hands around it, it's just, it's just this feeling, this bubbly, quirky, weird feeling that, I don't know, it's amazing, but then when it's going down, it's the most spiraling, depressing, hurtful, curl up and die feeling you've ever had in your life. What else makes you feel like that outside of Baskin-Robbins ice cream, peanut butter and chocolate,

or min chocolate chip flavor, right? And then you ever meet people, and I'm not even talking about young people, I'm talking about people in their 20s, their 30s, their 40s, and they go, yeah, I've never been in love. You're like, excuse me, what? Yeah, I don't know. I've just never felt it.

I've just never been in love. I don't know. Wait a minute, you've never been in love. No, what's it like? I mean, I don't know. I mean, I had a boyfriend once, but, you know, he was cool. I mean, we used to play cricket.

crazy eights and stuff, but is that love? Wow. Could you imagine going through life, and I'm not knocking you. I mean, everyone's different, but it's kind of sad to me. Can you imagine going through life and never having tasted falling in love? And so here's a question I'm going to throw by you. Where is the, considering you might have fallen in love a few times, where is one of the most romantic settings? that you've ever fallen in love. Where is that time and that place geographically?

Was it daytime? Was it nighttime? Was it in a car? Was it in a tent? Was it running from the law? Where was that moment that you fell in love? What was the setting? Give me a call 323-215-1486.

Leave a message for me. and I'm going to play these things, man. I want to find out where you, the listener, fell in love. I'll share one little story with you. I lived in Germany for a while, and I was madly in love with this girl, and she was madly in love with me, and I remember the night we told each other.

I'd been living in Germany for like a year and a half almost, maybe closer to a year, actually, and my tenure was done. I was doing a job over there, and it was time for me to leave. Me and this beautiful girl were having this wonderful romance. And I think we were in Hamburg. No, where were we?

We were in Hamburg or Dusseldorf or something like that, one of these big cities. And it was nighttime and we're in this big park and they had this giant screen set up. It must have been 30 feet by 50 feet wide. It was massive outdoor screen, and I guess it was at the tail end of a film festival, and they had this huge screen set up in the water. There was a giant fountain, like a huge, like a pool with a fountain,

and they set this screen up right in the middle of the water, and people were sitting around in the grass and at tables and on chairs, and this old Richard Burton movie was playing. It was like a black and white, movie and you know when you play a movie outside it kind of echoes echoes echoes and it sounds kind of echoy out there and you know those old black and white movies had had that certain look to them that black and white and the way people read their lines back then it was like that's right cecil i'll see you at the border and if the border isn't there i'll see you on the

other side of the border wait don't go jim please don't go shut up cecil you know They just had that cadence. So all that created this really crazy atmosphere. And so here was this big movie playing, black and white nostalgic movie. And here's me and this girl. And it was the moment, man. It was the moment where we told each other,

we loved each other. And it was just such a weird, romantic kind of, a funky once-in-a-lifetime setting that I always remembered it very vividly. And that was a really long, long story. When you call me, keep it short because they can't play stuff that's too long. So call me and let me know where you fell in love.

323-215-1486. And if you've never been in love, just remember that Harland, Williams, me, your host, loves you. And thanks for joining us here today on the Harlan High. highway. We got a lot more stuff coming your way that you're going to love. Okay, baby, I'm just going out with Kim. I guess I'll see you later.

Oh, you're going out with Kim? Yeah, we're going to go hang out, you know, do something. Oh, what are you going to do? Oh, I don't know. We haven't planned it out. You know, just have fun. You mean Kim from work, right? Yeah, that's right. Kim Smith. Okay, didn't you just tell me Kim Smith was out of town for like a time? a week, she was on vacation somewhere? Um, uh, well, no, like she's, she was, but now she's back. Oh, okay. Have fun, baby. Okay, thanks. Don't wait up for me.

Yeah, how much do you trust your partner? Mm-hmm? Your boyfriend, your girlfriend. How much do you really trust them? Do you hear little things in their voices? little giveaways Little pauses Little uncertainties Things that make you go Hmm

What's going on here Little facts that don't measure up Little tidbits That don't jive together Yeah we were at the museum Oh yeah what'd you see Um I don't know

Like you know like, you know, a mummy and some stuff. Oh, who was there? Um, you know, I don't remember. Yeah, where were you really, baby? Hanging out at Applebee's getting hammered with some dude. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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Yeah, do you trust your partner, people? Humans can be pretty sneaky. And what do you do when you don't trust them? Then you've got to confront them. Okay, we got to talk. Okay. Where have you been? What have you been doing?

Why do you have to question me? Don't you trust me? You don't love me? Why you got to grill me? Yeah, I don't fall for that crap. You're up to something. It's hard to trust someone, isn't it? It's hard to put all your eggs in that basket

and hope that they're looking out for you, that they're a good person. But you hear about it every day, right? Somebody messing someone over, somebody cheating on someone. You think you know them, but then they turn around and they're with your best friend.

They're with some guy from the office. Or even worse, they're with a completeer. You catch him with the gardener. Hey, man, I was just raking your law, man. I didn't, I accidentally tripped and fell on your wife, man. Senor Fuentes. Yeah. Trust.

The only trust you need in life is you can trust me to get you home every day with a smile on your face here. on the Harland Highway. Hey man, can I fall on you? Get out of here. Sorry, man. Okay, shifting gears here. Let's get off the love topic. Let's talk about, well, something that could be embarrassing.

Do you have embarrassing things happen to you? Do you do embarrassing things out in public? How about this? I want to know if you've ever done this. Take a listen. Have you ever done a farp? Huh? What the hell's a farp, Harland?

Well, you might not know what a farp is, because you might not have ever done one, but when you do one, you just feel weird. Okay, here it is. A farp is when you fart and burp at exactly the same time. It's a simultaneous gaseous explosion. coming out of each end, man. Yeah, I made the word up, okay, FARP.

But it is possible. Think how long you live. Most people live into their 80s. Yeah, it's happened. And then you just kind of sit there going, what was that? How did, wait a minute. I feel, I kind of feel proud of myself, but at the same time, I feel awkward.

And then I feel like I got to tell somebody because it's what are the odds? But then I also feel like is my body about to implode? Did I just suck all the air out of my whole body? Is something bad going to happen? Yeah, farps. It's a funny feeling.

Let me know if you've ever farped. Call me. I want to hear the story. 713. 823. 713. 713. 3239.

just keep on farping right down the harland highway okay yeah the farp so we talked about places where you've fallen in love that exact moment that exact second in time where the magic happened let's let's go to the other end of the spectrum please and thank you you're welcome um how about and it's a little disgusting but you're all guilty of it i don't care if you're You're a nun or a priest or whoever. Was there ever a place in time where you actually farted and everyone caught it or everyone heard it or everyone smelled it or it was in a weird inappropriate place? Like you're at the altar about to say, I do. Or you were at the chiropractor and he bent your shoulder and a fart came out. you're making out with a girl maybe you're even making love it's like oh oh sorry sorry by bad i'm sure everybody has a fart story um i want to hear the funny ones i want to hear the weird ones i want to hear the bizarre ones call me three two three two one five one four eight six

Tell me about the weirdest, most embarrassing time and place where you let one rip. And the whole world knew about it. Oh, man, there are some topics that I just don't want to delve into here on the Harland Highway. They're not classy topics. They're not. they're not dinner table conversation folks okay but they're a fact of life and that's what i do i'm like trudy the fat chick from that all-girls boarding school i talk about the facts of life how many of you have dogs okay not a bad topic but listen to the follow-up how many of you have dogs

Oh my God Okay You know what I'm talking about people You either have a dog the farts Or you've been around a dog the farts It ain't fun man Most of them blow silent They're like nuclear submarines

Run silent, run deep You know They don't give you the little clues That you get from humans You know when humans crank one They lift a cheek or they get that little guilty look in their face, or they crack a smile, or they do a full-on.

Yeah! Smell that, boys! Dogs just lay there like nothing happened. I don't even think they know they farted. They just lay there on the couch at their eyes shut, or they could be staring at you panting and... They don't even know. they just think something's making noise somewhere they don't realize it's their own butt

but i gotta tell you man i hate those silent dog farts where you're just sitting there with man's best friend cuddled up in front of the tv and you're thinking life is great man look at me i'm the master and here's my faithful hound dog and oh my god what is that death cloud hovering around oh my God. Oh, my God. His master's breath indeed. Oh, way to go, Rover. Thank you. Thanks a million. You mind going fetching a stick right now so I can get some clean oxygen back in the room? It's like a stealth fart, man. You don't know they're coming. You're just sitting there the proud owner of your canine. man bonding with animal look at me in front of my fireplace with my leather slippers my pipe my velvet scarf

and my basset how oh my god yeah tough topic but had to be brought up or popped out or squirted out or whatever silently pushed out however you want to term it we talk about everything you take the good you take the bad the facts of life the facts of oh rover yeah I actually had a friend

once whose dog would like fart and then kind of look back at their own butt like just wondering what was that what wait what just came out of me

what is that like it would just look back at itself Like the weirdest thing, like as if someone had ran up and slapped it in the butt and then ducked behind the couch and he didn't know who slapped his butt. You just want to go, hey, dumbass, it's you. That noise? Yeah, that noise that just came out of you is you.

And that dry dog food reek that just came out of you, that's you. And this dog would, like, kind of look at its own butt, like, as best as it could, it would arch its neck around. and look at its own butt and then kind of take a little sniff and then kind of wonder, what's going on? What the hell? I'm confused, man. Oh, gosh, kind of like your Uncle Frank, huh?

Same kind of vibe. Just farts and doesn't care. Give me some more potato salad. Anyone seen the remote? Who wants to go get some dairy? Queen. Meanwhile, everyone's, like, dead on the floor. Where'd everyone go? Hello? Where is everyone? Who is that? Who is that? Like the Valentine's Day massacre, the Taco Bell Taco Bell Grande Massacre. Yeah, I like those two.

Oh, my, oh, my. Should we clean it back up again? Should we, what do you say? We started the show with a little love song. I don't know if you're in the mood for love songs. It just went on this weird. It went from love song to ass song, okay? We started with a love song.

Why don't we end it out with a love song? This is another little song I did with my cousin. And this is, this one kind of relates more to, um, You know, that whole breakup thing and being alone and, and, you know, those vulnerable, sad, isolated feelings you have after a breakup. This song's called Behind the Glass, and I think the lyrics kind of say it all. We'll close out the show with this. Me singing another cheesy love song to you. Oh, my God, I'm like the new Britney Spears or I'm like the new pink.

man except i'm like bruised purple i'm like bruised ass cheek purple here it is another song for me my cousin behind the glass All-a-to-do-to-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do, do-to-do, all alone looking out for you again. By the phone he won't ring But I pretend Watching all the people Passing by Sun is high And I'm down again

You and I are near and far again Here the silent teardrops fall again Who am I? I'm alone again Who am I? I'm a man again Who am I Who am I?

Who am I? See the people walking back Don't know how to make it nice Wonder why I ever said goodbye So the feelings that I had

rain drops fall in an empty hand I'm the man behind the glass again Who am I, I'm alone again Sunsets die might have known but then

I should have tried I should have tried Sitting here behind the glass again Trying to face the time the past, my friend Wonder why we didn't last but then Realized the story ended, baby I'm a man behind the gloves And I could have cried

In the pain that you can pass But I want to fly I want to fly Who are we torn apart again Cast to see you With me in the end Set you free I set you free

I set you free I set you free Ah, yes, set you free. My thanks to my cousin, Kevin Hearn, who helped arrange all that and did the music and played guitar and so much more. And backup vocals and Tyler on drums. And as you know, my cousin Kevin is the keyboard player and the bare naked ladies and Tyler's the drummer and the bare naked ladies. So any of you ladies fans, that's kind of a collaboration of yours truly,

me singing and them playing and just cheesing it up for you with that good old cheesy pop tune crap that I personally love. I hope you liked it. If you did like it, you can actually. order the CD, me and my cousin have a band called The Cousins. You can go to the web store that Harlow Williams.com web store and order the CD that has both the songs on it that were played on today's podcast. Or you could order one and light it up and burn it and say, please don't ever sing again. I'm sure there's some of you thinking that, but I do it for fun. And that's what this podcast

is all about fun and cheesy love songs. Cheesy, cheesy, cheesy, cheesy love songs. And speaking of cheesy, okay, let me make a few little quick announcements here, okay? Coming up in two weeks, February 25th to the 28th, yours truly will be in the incredible city of San Francisco at Cobbs Comedy Club. You've got to check it out if you live in the area. If you don't live in the area, call your friends that do. It's a great club right in the city, San Francisco.

February 25th to 28th, I'll be there. And then I got to mention again in April 2nd and April 3rd. I'm going to be in the Midwest, Friday, April 2nd at the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana, which is just outside of Indianapolis. and then Saturday night, April 3rd at the Southern Theater right downtown in Columbus, Ohio. All the tickets and seating and pricing, showtimes, all available right here on Harlanwilliams.com. Just go to the site and click on my stand-up link and get your tickets, babies, because it is going to be hot. So there you go.

that is today's podcast. A bit of a weird one, I have to say, from love and love songs to Farts and Dog Farts. Wow. Talk about the yin and the yang and the farts. I hope the farts didn't break your hearts, but if they did, hey, we'll be talking about something completely different next time. So until then, this is Harlan Williams, thanking you for being here on the Harlan Highway, and until next time, chicken chow maim, baby.