The Harland Highway - Podcast 74

Episode Date: February 17, 2010

Teen Sex Specialist drops in, kids in the new century, the rules of eating out, the rules of Happy Birthday! Enjoy my little sand bunnies! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Woo-hoo-hoo! Count Chocula here, kids, with some chocolatey marshmallow vampire cereal. Oh, no, no, no. It's not Count Chocula, it's me, Harland Williams. Don't be so disappointed that you didn't get a buck-toothed serial-loving vampire. I'm just as good, in my mind. Oh, welcome, everybody. Welcome to you and you and you and you and you, with the pimple. on your nose.

So happy you're here to join me for another episode of the Harland Highway. And what a show we have for you today, man. We're going to be talking about teen sex. We actually have a researcher from UCLA who's done an extensive amount of research and some incredible findings about teen pregnancy. We're going to be talking about teenagers' attitudes and kids and their entitlement issues. We're going to be talking about fine dining

and what you should be able to expect when you grow up for a nice, fancy meal. And lastly, we're going to be talking about happy birthday. Everyone has a birthday. Is it appropriate to sing happy birthday everywhere? When and where should you sing it? I don't know, but let's celebrate because you're here. I'm here.

It's time for the Harlan Highway. You ready to go? Let's do it. Come on, let's go. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely.

It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. I'm Teddy Romp-spin, and I'm your friend. Harland Highway. Wrong turn. I'm not your daddy. Hey, hey, hey, you are with me, Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway, the ever informative Harland Highway, the ever provocative Harland Highway.

As always, I'm looking out for you here on the show. And an interesting statistic on the news recently that teenage pregnancy is rampant in this country. of control, unwanted pregnancies, which lead to unwanted births, and you know the snowball effect. It just keeps rolling and rolling and rolling. But lucky for us, there are people out there that are studying this situation, doing research, looking for ways we can, you know, cut down on this activity and, you know, put an end to it, hopefully. Today we have from UCLA, Professor Tim Hootie is here. Welcome to the show, Tim.

It's good to be here. Thank you, Arland. And you're doing some very, very important research with wonderful social ramifications. And tell us a bit about the problem out there, first of all, and then let's get into what you're doing to help it. What's going on out there with teens? Well, as you know, being a teenager is kind of a hard thing. And there's a lot of, you know, your body is changing.

Right. Your mind is changing of different views of the world. You're becoming an adult. You're going out on your own. And something I happened to stumble upon. It was very interesting. Oh, a lot of pressures, a lot of pressures, a lot of social pressures. Lot of pressures.

Lots of hormonals. And that's where my study first began. began with the hormones of these teenagers. Fascinating. So you've been bringing people to your facility and tell us about the procedure, what kind of studies you're doing with these young women, I'm guessing, like 18, 19-year-olds? Strictly 18. 18?

Okay. Only two or three months after they just turned 18. That's very important. Oh. Why? Pardon me? No, I was just agreeing with you. Now, tell us what happens.

You bring an 18-year-old female in to the facility and take us through what happens from there. Well, first, we do a screening. And this is kind of a pre-screening of their background, their ethnicity. We make sure they have a driver's license or some sort of identification. Oh, interesting. A proof of ID, I guess. Yes, we need to make sure. that they're at least 18

and they do fall in the two months just after turning 18. Okay, you said that earlier. I'm not... Pardon me? No, I was just agreeing with you. I'm not sure I...

So what I like to do is we bring each girl in one at a time and I sit down and I question them and I do take measurements of them and then... Measurements? What do you mean? Like weight?

Correct. height. Yes. Hip size, breasts, ariolas, diameter. Full lips, thin lips. We make sure there's both ears are in alignment. I'm not sure I get the connection with how that interrelates. But okay, so from there.

Well, that's more for me than anything. It's just a way. Well, it's a way for me to bond with each. subject by measuring their body parts okay let's get on to the procedure how do you you've obviously gathered the statistics you've got all the data and and where do we go from there this is great work this is this is amazing this is this is what we're all excited about after 12 well basically I'd say 12 hours with each subject we found found out that exactly almost to the date, nine months later, they were pregnant and had a baby.

Wait a minute. Okay, that's common knowledge, but what's that got to do with your, wait a minute, are you, how, are you suggesting, sir, that, you're not, uh, what are you doing with these girls, sir? I'm using them examples, test subjects for my study, for my clinical research. It's very important. How, wait a minute, wait a minute, how are you, what are you doing to these girls, sir? Well, I am examining them and sharing my lovemaking ability with them. Excuse me? I'm having sex with them. Are you, you're having, you're bringing 18 year old girls into your facility and you're having sexual intercourse with them to determine if they will get pregnant and you're finding, sir, are that nine months later, there's a baby? Absolutely.

It's a most astounding thing in scientific research. It's right up there with cancer. Are you kidding me, sir? No, I'm absolutely serious. This is my life's work. Okay. I've dedicated years and months and days of research into women. Okay.

Fresh 18-year-old women. Yes, we know. Two months from the fresh expiration date. We got it. You've brought one of your subjects in here. That's very important. Yes. And can we talk to her, please?

Who is this? This is Cheryl B. Cheryl B, please, can we talk to her and find out... Cheryl, hello? Hi. What happened here? Did this man have sexual intercourse with you? Well, yeah.

He brought you into the facility here, into his laboratory, and laid you down on a table and had sexual intercourse with you. Well, it was a screening. Like, he said that, like, I, well, what I actually did was I responded to this ad on Craigslist. Craigslist? You got these. And he brought you into the laboratory. It was a.

Well, Craigslist is just one of the, uh, many places that I search out for my test subjects. Wait a minute. Were you trolling on the internet for hotties, sir? Well, yeah, I, I, yes. This is the best place to meet test subjects of the 18-year-old age. Tell me about the laboratory. You went into the laboratory. Laboratory?

The laboratory at UCLA. You mean the Motel 6? Excuse me? Yeah, he had me meet him at the Motel 6 on Pine and 4th. What the hell are you talking about? Well, that's where he said we were going to go to the Twilight School. screening from you were yeah well it was a screening but if you realize we wanted to do it at the motel because we needed the the natural environment uh for each of these subjects sir sir are you telling me

as a UCLA professor they funded a study so that you could come in and have sexual intercourse with over 200 young girls you found on Craigslist you're a UCLA professor well yeah Uh, UCLA is not the actual university of... Excuse me? California. It's, um... I'm sorry, if you... Yes, it's, uh, up close, legs and ass.

All right, get out of here. What? Get out of here. Sir. Just, Dale, Tim Hoochie, are you kidding me? That's right. You could find me at hoochie.com. Would you knock it off? Any, uh, any, uh, any, uh, any,

one just turning 18 years old. Get out of here. The next two months, please. Get out. Out. Unbelievable. Grease ball. Let's go, Cheryl.

Unbeligious. Get out. Get out of here, you grease ball. Bye. It's nice meeting you. Oh, my God. Hey, you wouldn't happen to have a daughter of... Get out of here.

A niece? Get out of here, you cousin. Hoochie? It's your neighbor's kid. Get out. Unbelievable. Holy God. Can you believe that scumbag?

Harlem Williams here, really upset on the Harlan Highway because I go to that Motel 6th from time to time and to know that that grease ball was next door in one of the other rooms possibly. Well, I was... Hey, I get a discount. Get out of here! Ah, yes, good old-fashioned.

free-wheeling, irresponsible teenage sex. Come on, you all did it when you were teenagers. Think back to the history of your sex life. Wasn't it, hello, maybe some of the best ever, the funn't it? I mean, it was fresh. It was new. It was, you know, it's always going to happen. It's happened throughout history.

Yes, it's tragic. It's a pain in the butt It causes society problems But basically you're saying Okay, teenager, shut off your sex drive Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes

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Don't throw your book. back out. Sit in this classroom and learn about sexual behavior, and when you see that you must be responsible, don't ever have sex. Yeah, okay. That's like telling a nine-year-old kid not to go out for Halloween and get free candy. It's ridiculous. Oh, it's a funny world we live in.

But is there too much irresponsibility from kids? And do parents somehow condone it? Do parents support bad behavior, irresponsible behavior? Let me give you an example. There's a school in Australia, okay? There is a grade school in Australia where the parents collectively are getting together to sue the school, okay, because their children are not passing their grades. They're having to repeat their years because they're failing.

and the school has compiled the attendance record of these failing kids, and they're abysmal. These kids have missed like over 30 days of the school season and on and on and on, but the parents can't accept that, so they in turn are turning their blame, of course, to the school and not to their stupid kids. so in essence the parents are enabling their children they're setting a horrible example

they're victimizing the school and the administration they're undermining what the teachers do and this is where it gets good man the teachers of this school and this is for real the teachers are like you know what up yours parents this is the way you want to play all right let's play and so I guess one of the teachers

or the principal at the school, after getting so many phone calls and complaints, put this following message, which is real, on the school's answering machine. Take a listen, and God, I wish this is the way all this politically incorrect and this, you know, passing the buck attitude that seems to be going around the world nowadays

could be handled. Check it out. I think you're going to like it. Hello, you have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection. To lie about why your child is absent, press one. To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework, press two. To complain about what we do, plus three. To swear at staff members, press four.

To ask why you didn't get information that has all. already been enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers that have been mailed to you, press five. If you want us to raise your child, press six. If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press seven. To request another teacher for the third time this year, press eight. To complain about bus transportation, press nine. To complain about school lunches, press zero. If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, classwork, and homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day. If you want

this in another language, move to a country that speaks it. Thank you for your interest in public education. Oh, I love it, man. That should be the president. Not just the president of the United States. They should make a world president, man, and have that person just say, You know what? Cut the BS society. Stand up and be accountable for yourself. And I love the sarcastic tone to it all. To see the look on the parents' faces would be sweet. Hi, this is Harlan Williams here for the Harland Highway.

Are you worried about disciplining your child? You're no longer allowed to spank your kids. well here's what you do when they misbehave dress them up like a pinata take them out into the yard and swing them from a tree people will just think you're having a mexican festival and you'll be free to smack your kids with a stick all you want what a great way to keep your children in line just another friendly tip from me harland williams here on the harland highway Wrath of society. Society's a funny thing, isn't it? You ever go, this is an awkward thing.

You ever have this happen to you? You're out in society. Let's say you're out on a date, right? You're out on a date and you're sitting at a restaurant, a nice restaurant, and there's a glass of wine and some candles. And everything's going great. You're really hitting it off and everything's, getting real comfortable and all of a sudden somebody walks up to you and touches your shoulder

from behind and goes, hey man, how's it going, dude? And you're like, what? You turn around and it's someone you know and it's someone you kind of might know well or kind of know a little bit or they're an acquaintance. But nonetheless, there's a connection. You've at one point in time spend time with this person or associated with this person. And so you, you, You do the pleasant meet and greet, right? And in case you haven't figured it out yet, this is something that happened to me once. You do the pleasant meet and greet, and you're like, hey, man, how you doing this, so-and-so, hey, how you've been? Great, and, you know, it's great to see them.

You legitimately like it. And you say, hey, man, I'll catch around. I'll shoot you an email. I'll call you. You're like, great. You finish it up. And then you think they're about to walk away. and they sit at the empty table right beside you.

Is that not awkward? Isn't it all of a sudden you kind of just went from a date to now you're double dating? Except you didn't want to. I mean, think about it. If they're sitting at the table beside you, there's really only like maybe a foot and a half separating you. And suddenly the whole mood changes and the vibe changes

and you've got to start thinking about what you're saying and you've got to watch your volume and you don't want to make eye contact with them because then they're going to look back and I was like, so how's Bill? Have you talked to Tom lately? Oh, what are you eating? How's that salad, man?

Really, maybe I should get that. So how do you two know each other? Oh, really? Because I met him when he was doing the thing and then she's like, why, you were there? But you told me you're... And it's just, it becomes the most awkward, weird thing in the world. So, here we go.

word to the wise okay if you are out and you bump into someone sitting in a restaurant just find a table somewhere else you don't have to leave the restaurant but just just sit away at least there should be like a 12 foot buffer zone even or at least be out of the line of sight so they don't have to see you i mean god this happened to me once and i couldn't believe i love the guy that I bumped into. I mean, he was a really cool guy. I knew him from work, from a movie I worked on. And what was hilarious is even before he started to walk away,

he knew he was at the table beside me. And he even goes to me, he goes, hey, looks like I'm sitting at the table right beside you. You know, so I'm going to be listening in hearing what you say to your friend there about me. I was like, oh, dude, whoa, buzzkill. It was just, it's the most awkward thing. So, again, 12-foot buffer zone, line of sight. Those are the new rules. There you go.

Thank you. And good night. All right, here's a sad commentary on where our society is heading. Okay. out to dinner the other night, pretty fancy place, and look over and right in the middle of the restaurant at the center table is like a family of like eight or ten, and in the middle of their table is a portable DVD player. Okay, they got the thing flipped open, toy stories playing, the Disney cartoon, and two of the little kids at the table are just zoned out

staring into this DVD player watching the movie while they're out to dinner. And we're all like, oh, my God. And no sooner did we think that. Then I looked over at another table at the other end of the restaurant, and there was another kid with a little DVD box sitting there, just staring at it, like a zombie. Well, all this is going on around them, people talking and conversing and having fun and enjoying the spirit.

experience of being out. These kids are in zombie land. And I'm thinking, okay, on one side, you shut the kid up. You can have a nice dinner. You don't have to worry about the kid running around and complaining and making noise. Okay, that's one level. But on the other level, aren't you just turning the kid off, like flicking a switch, zoning them out? The kid's not going to learn how to interact. He's not going to learn how to socialize. He's not going to be able to exercise. as table manners.

I mean, why don't you just, like, wrap a bag around your kid's head? Come on, Billy, we're going to dinner. Put the bag on your head. We don't want you to see or hear anything. I mean, what's this kid going to do when he goes out to dinner when he's older? He's out on a date with a nice woman. Oh, Jim, this is such a nice restaurant. You bet it is.

Just a minute. Waiter. Yeah, waiter. Could I get a DVD player I'd like to watch Spider-Man 4? Excuse me, Jim? Shut up. We're at a restaurant. I want to watch Spider-Man 4.

What's the matter with you? Teach your kid out of function in the world. Okay? Let him play with a crab claw and some coleslaw and leave the Sony back at home. Okay, and the last thing I got to mention about restaurants and then I'll get off this topic because I probably turned you off of ever leaving the house to eat again.

But, okay, if I go to a fancy restaurant, a fancy steakhouse, okay, where they have lobster and they have, you know, prime cut steaks, and you're talking like 300 bucks for the dinner, okay? And it's, you know, wooden, rich oak wood walls and ambiance and candles and waiters and tuxedos and, you know, what I'm talking about. A fancy joint. Okay? If you go to a place like that, you do not need to hear the waiters gather around a table and sing happy birthday. I swear to God, I was at this really great place. I go there quite a bit. It's where I like to kind of go to have a nice night out every, you know, maybe once a month, once every few months. I hit a place. I hit a place. a steakhouse. It's a national chain, but it's high-end. It's classy. It's great food. And for some reason, management has decided to make these waiters who are working with a sophisticated

crowd, people with money, obviously, people who have saved money. However, they got there, they're there to have a sophisticated, kind of nice, expensive, high-class meal. and somehow the management of this steak chain decided that when it's somebody's birthday, I want all the waiters to run together and gather around the table and sing happy birthday. Okay, no. Okay, just no.

Bad idea. If I'm out for a $300 lobster dinner with my lady or my family or whoever, and I've got this ambiance and it's beautiful and it's gorgeous, I don't need to hear this from the table. next to me. We have a birthday. Say happy birthday, happy birthday.

Sing with me. One, two, three. Happy birthday to you. Wow. Am I right? I mean, am I a Chuckie, cheese? Am I at Applebee's? Am I at TG G. G. G. F for whatever it is. Am I at Pinkberry? Where the hell am I? I'm at a fancy... I just ordered a $300 lobster dinner.

They brought a live lobster to my table that they dragged from the bottom of the sea. They brought it to my table and showed it to me wiggling around before I ordered its execution, before I ordered it, boiled alive. I could have had pheasant under glass. I could have had caviar. I could have had a $3,000 bottle of champagne at this place. Unbelievable. And I get that?

The Chucky Cheese crowd beside me? Jumping and screaming and waiters. The waiters look like they'd rather be drawn and quartered. I mean, talk about humiliation. You might as well just. just, you know, tie them to the wall and give them some lashes. Do you think for one second they want to do that, let alone at a Chucky Cheese, let alone at a fancy steakhouse, let alone to people they don't even know?

Isn't birthdays are intimate. You share your birthdays with friends and family. You've got a bunch of waiters who are probably in between orders out in the back, getting stoned on weed behind the dumpster. they're spitting in your food suddenly these guys are in on the most intimate day of your life celebrating the day you were born they don't give a crap they couldn't hate it more and then not only are they drawn into it but you're drawn into it suddenly you as a customer sitting at the other table suddenly you've been sucked into the little sing-along and the party and

you know why don't you just dump motor oil on my four hundred dollar Lobster. Yeah, see how the price of my lobster keeps going up so I can really drive the boy? Oh, man. I'm like a crotchety old man today. And then those damn kids just started singing all over my $9,000 lobster. Heep, he, he, he, ha, ha, ha, ha. So if you own a fancy steak chain, if you work at a fancy restaurant, knock off the happy birthday crap, okay? It just doesn't play All right, let me just say it right now

For everyone who's going out for a nice dinner Here it is, happy birthday I don't know you, I don't know your name Happy birthday There Annoying enough for you It's done, you don't have to ask it Let me enjoy my $12,000 lobster there

it just went up again. And I hope you've enjoyed today's show, the podcast here on the Harland Highway. I'm ranting about birthdays. I'm actually glad you're all born because you're here listening, we're sharing, but we don't have the crappy singing, okay? Thanks for joining.

We'll catch you next time. And until next time, if you're at a fancy restaurant, be sure to order the chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.