The Harland Highway - Podcast 75

Episode Date: February 19, 2010

Cell phone habits, Reality show breasts, oragami classes, special in studio guest, and the ever annoying Dr. Ascot! Have fun crab pickers! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, here we go. We are on the air, or if you're a dust, my ear, on my hair. Today's show, a lot of fun. We're going to be talking about cell phone mishaps, cell phone dropouts, cell phone etiquette, all that kind of thing. I know you all can relate to. We're going to be talking about reality show breasts. Yeah, that's right. Reality show breasts. Way to you hear this. This take I have on the naked tities that adorn reality shows.

See if you agree or disagree with my take on that. And then we're going to get creative today, man. I'm going to explore the world of origami and help you learn how to make funny shapes and wonderful little creatures out of the mysterious and almost forgotten oriental art of origami. And then on a bit of a downer note, it's Friday. So, of course, I have to do my therapy session with Dr. Ascot. I don't know what that dillweed has planned for me today, but it's never fun.

I never enjoy it. Maybe you do. I don't. And let's just kick it off, man. Let's get it going. You ready? Let's rock and roll right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Romp Spinning. I'm your friend.

Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Hey hey hey it's a beautiful day on the Harland Highway Hi, I'm Harland How are you? I'm good What a great show we have today

I think we're going to have a lot of What, Roger? It's Roger In the control room Someone, okay, send them in. Yeah, just send them in. Okay. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon.

Oh, come on, not you, kid. I'm cinnamon boy, and I have something to tell you. What are you doing in here, kid? I thought I just told you. I've got something to tell you. What is it, and then get out of here. I went to church today. Oh, good, I hope you're praying to...

What? Nothing. Just, what do you want? I went to confession today for the first time ever. Great, what did you confess that you're a moron? Pardon me. Nothing, just, what were you doing in confession? Well, I went in, and I sat down, and I said something to the priest.

Okay, good, that's what everybody does. What, did you confess your sins? That's right, I went in, and I sat down, and I said, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. amend because I'm cinnamon boy and I love cinnamon cut it out kid well that's what I said wait a minute you went into the confession booth and you said forgive me father for I have sinned and then you added inaman on the end so it said forgive me father so I have cinnamon that's what I said forgive me father you don't have to do it forgive me

I said you don't have to do it forgive me father for I have sin Oh good So you're not gonna do the other part I'm in Because I'm cinnamon boy And I love cinnamon Cut it out, kid, get out of here I can't get out

Because I love cinnamon Get out Forgive me father For I get out Oh what Roger What Why did you let that idiot in here

I didn't let him in Well I didn't let him in I don't know how he got in here Just don't let him in Cinnamon boy Yes sir God God, I've never wanted to wish someone straight to hell,

but that kid, he deserves to go right down to the burning pit, man. I forgive you, because you have sinned. Amand. Ah! Get out of here! The passion of Christ compels you. Get out! I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon.

Get out of here, kid! Go to get us out of here, Roger. Unbelievable. You're this close to... getting fired. Like my taint. I don't want that dopey kid in here ever again. Who me? Cinnamon Boy!

Get out! Hey, this is Harlem Williams on the Harland Highway, and here's a friendly little tip. If you're someone who's on your cell phone all the time and blocking out your friends and just ignoring everybody so you can talk

on your cell phone and text everybody, why don't you just go walk out into a field, a big empty field, and stand there and talk and talk and talk and text and text until you realize you have no more friends because you're out there all alone and you're in love with your cell phone and then under the nice harvest moon why don't you lay down in the grass

and make love to your cell phone and try and create cell phone people so you can live in your little cell phone world and be a cell phone leader of the cell phone phone people, you self-indulgent, cell phone free. Thank you. This has been a commentary by me, Harland Williams, here on the Harland Highway. Oh, there's my phone. I got to run. But since we do use our cell phones in the society, and we've come to rely on them, and I'm sure some of you actually have made love to one of them, doesn't iPhones have an app? for like i sex or i f u c you know the rest of it or is there an eye doggy style or an eye backdoor

or an eye you know what i'm talking about anyways here's what i don't like about cell phones you ever have this happen and i know you have oh i know you have um you're talking to someone you're on the cell phone you're blabbing away could be 10 minutes could be 20 minutes could be half an hour I don't know but you get right to the end of the conversation and you're just about to say goodbye you know you're just wrapping it up you're about to say okay well I guess that's everything by and just before you get to that sentence you drop you drop your call right they're like so I guess that's everything. And then,

boop-bip. Hello? Hello? Are you there? Hello? Oh, God. And then you literally have to phone back to say goodbye. You call them back and they're like, hello?

And you go, yeah, I was going to say goodbye and we got disconnected. So I just phoned to say goodbye. Are you retarded? Well, I guess I am, yes. Okay, don't ever. phone here again, okay? Okay, sorry. Isn't that the most annoying? That's bad timing right there. So there you go. That's my little cell phone quirk for today. And don't forget, you can phone me and leave messages that I will play on the show. If you have any questions or

comments or observations. You can call me at 323-215-1486. 3-2-3-2-3-215-14-86. And leave your message, and if I like it, I'll put it on the air. There you go. Sweet! Hello, Holland. All right, Ascot.

Look, I am not in a good mood. Holland. know it's Friday I got to do my therapy thing all right I had a bad flight last night okay I lost like eight nine hours off my life due to the airlines I'm a little angry Arlen you must release your tension yeah and how do I do that Arlen pretend you are a stewardess on the airline

what are you talking about the only way to lose the airline Anger is to become the airline, Holland. Okay, that sounds really dumb. You've had a lot of dumb ideas, Ascot. But this one takes the... Holland. No, this one... Holland.

...takes... Holland. The cake. Allend. Stop saying my name. You're irritating me even more. Holland. What do I have to do to become the airline?

I want you to say... chicken or beef why just do it holland chicken or beef say it like a stewardess holland become the airline would you like the chicken or the beef

why don't you tell me about the beef what do you mean why tell me about the beef holland i don't know what's on the beef this is hypothetical what's on the beef there's a nice mushroom sauce and a hollandaise dip and that's it there must be more to the beef

what are you talking about acriments holland acriments yes holland what comes on a side dish there's lovely potatoes little potato wedges with parsley and some green beans. Very good, Arlen.

Now, do the chicken. I'm not doing the chicken. Arland, become the airline. Would you like some chicken, sir? What's on the chicken? What do you mean what's on it? How is it prepared, Arland? This, the chicken comes with a nice honey glaze

and a Dijon mustard. There's some wonderful pilaf rice on the side and some cranberry. dipping sauce with shallots and caramelized onions. I'm allergic to onions, Holland. I don't care what, you're just going to eat it.

Holland. Eat it, Ascot. Holland. Just eat it. Eat the chicken and the beef. Shove it down your gobble and get out of my office. Holland. Out! Now use the lavatory

first. I don't care what you do. But the captain hasn't turned off the seatbelt sign, Holland. Oh, get out of here. Holland. Out! You just made me angrier.

Stewardess, can I get another drink, please? Get out of here! Harland Williams. Okay, here's something I might actually need therapy for, or you might need therapy for. It's a little disturbing. I don't know if I should admit it. or if you can relate that you should admit it,

or maybe I'm just opening your eyes to it and it's going to affect you profoundly and offset your whole maybe sex life or just your life in general. I don't know. Have you been watching this reality show the biggest loser? Okay, what they do is they get some of the fattiest, chubliest, wobbliest people across the United States.

I mean, we're talking bakery destroyers, okay? You know how Godzilla would destroy a city? These people, if they had the chance to go awall on a bakery, they would just level it. But what happens is they, at the end of every show, they make these chubbies, these contestants, go up on a scale and weigh themselves in front of the world. And so it's a little strange as they send the women up,

You know, they got their little spandex workout outfits on. They got like a midriff top and their shorts. And they go up and they stand on the scale. And then for some reason, when it's the men's turn to be weighed in, they make them take their shirts off. They're wearing these t-shirts that say the biggest loser, which is something I would never want to wear. They take these t-shirts off and then they walk up onto the scale

and they're standing under the bright lights and as the Lord is my witness if you like take your hand and put it in front of your face and block out the heads of the men and you just look at their chests you are looking at some of the biggest plumpest breasts you've ever seen in your life

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are specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, some of these men have breasts

that are like Dolly Parton size. These things are far bigger than most breasts I've seen on women in my lifetime. I mean, these things are monsters. big giant hanging breasts and they're not even like just sticking out they're dangling they're hanging like a woman's breast there's so much meat on them you'd need two hands to lift them up and so at one point i'm like oh my god what is the difference between a man's breast and a woman's breast if a man's breast is as big or bigger than a woman's breast, and at what point is it pornographic or not pornographic?

Like, if you have a show with guys with breasts that are almost mirror images of women's, then at that point, isn't it okay for the women to expose their breasts? Because it looks like everything's pretty much equal right then and there, okay? I don't see a real big difference in a giant man boob, and I'm talking, these guys, are three, four, five, six hundred pounds. They're breasts weigh more than our heads. Okay? So at that point, doesn't it just wipe the slate clean?

It's like, you know what? It's a breast. It's big. It's got a giant nipple. It's no different from a woman's hooter. Everybody, take it off. Are you telling me we're still going to get in trouble from the CFC or whatever it is,

the people that took a fit over Janet Jackson's boob coming out? I mean, where do you draw the line? What a breast is a breast is a breast. And in their case, is a breast as a breast as a breast pie. And then here's the creepy part of the equation. At what point are there men out there watching the biggest loser because the closest they're ever going to get to breasts is these big man breasts on the biggest loser.

What if there's guys out there going, oh, my God. I'm not allowed to watch porn, oh, because the wife gets mad. My wife doesn't have the biggest breasts I've ever seen. And here, in primetime television on NBC, are some of the nicest hooters I've ever seen. my life oh god oh somebody give me a sponge bath right is that what what am i talking about is this getting creepy i don't know someone called the breast police you know when when and where and how are we allowed to see breasts i think biggest loser just leveled the playing field everybody take their

top off, all the shows on TV, NCSI and Miami Heat and two brothers and a baby and golden girls and whatever, everybody just off with the shirts. Breasts are no longer a factor. The biggest loser has nullified the breast as an obscene object. So it's just anything goes. so there you go I breast my case because I am

Harland Williams the biggest winner Mother of meat when are the reality shows going to run out of ideas man I mean honestly especially the cable ones

I mean it is give me a makeover flip this house give me a new garden give me a new living room Teach me out of cook, teach me out a dress, take me on a date, show me how to pick my zits, show me how to raise a baby manatee, show me how to shave a koala, show me how to boil a lobster, show me how to throw darts at my grandmother's big bumpy ass.

I don't know, what's next, man? I mean, honestly, it's just getting boring now. I mean, for a while I liked it. We all liked it, but, man, it's almost like a career choice now. They should teach it at university. So what are you studying, Jim? Biology, chemistry. Um, it's going to be a doctor?

No, man, I'm studying to be. I have my own reality show. Oh, yeah? What are you going to be? Oh, just a full-time student, man. They're filming us right now. What the hell? Yeah, why don't we get into a fight or do something crazy, you know?

just for the, all for the sake of reality TV, man. No, turn the camera off. I don't want to be on your show. It's too late, man. You stepped into my reality, and now you're part of everybody's reality. Oh, that's what it's getting to be. Like, you don't know when you're being filmed anymore.

You know, someone could get in an accident or trip and break their neck. Oh, my God, we've got to help that person. Ah, don't bother. It's just a set-up for a reality show. It's a trick. But look, you just got run over by a car now. Yeah, they're pretty good at this stuff. That's why they call it reality.

It looks so real. Oh, okay. Let's go get an ice cream. Yeah, let's do that. I don't know, man. It's a twisted society. Pretty soon you're actually going to start believing this is a real radio show. I guess I shouldn't call it radio show.

I guess I should... I always get that mixed up because, you know, I'm not really on the... radio. I'm on the, um, I'm on the, uh, what do you want to call it? I'm on the, uh, the internet. I'm on the podcast. I'm on the international information super highway. I don't even know what I'm on. I should be on something so I can get my thoughts straight, but, so I'll have to watch that, but I'm not the only one, man. I've, I've had some of my listeners, uh, mix it up, too. Check this out. I was just calling to let you know that Mickey now is, totally still relevant and that you should say that he died on a radio because they were three-year-olds

listening. See, there's one of my listeners who thought she was listening to me on the radio, but what's funny about that call, probably not to her, but to me, I don't know if you remember, but a few podcasts back, I did a whole segment on how relevant is Mickey Mouse and the gang anymore? know, I mean, do people really tune into them anymore? Are they really a presence in the life of kids who are into video games and SpongeBob and Britney Spears and Halo and zombie land? I mean, really, is there really room for those sugary kind of talking mouse and talking

duck characters anymore? And so I brought up the issue of the relevancy. Are they relevant anymore? or do they register with anyone, including kids? It just feels like everybody's moved on, but Disney is desperately trying to still market that stuff to us, the same way Warner Brothers are still trying to market Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd.

And I don't think anyone gives a crap anymore. I could be wrong, but that lady, for some reason, you know, objected to me talking about it. and then I went on to do a bit where me and Mickey Mouse played Russian roulette, and Mickey blew his brains out. But this lady, I guess somehow she's listening to the podcast in the car, and she gave me grief, she said, well, listen, I'll play it for you again. Mickey Mouse is totally still relevant,

and that you should say that he died on a radio because they were three-year-olds listening. To hear the tone in her voice, she's like scolding me. She's like, she's bitching me out, man. And what cracks me up is it's like, because there's three-year-olds listening. Is that my audience? Talk about Mickey Mouse and Daffy Duck not being relevant. What about me being relevant? Am I reduced to a, I got a three-year-old audience out there, man?

Yeah, you shouldn't put that on the radio because there's three-year-olds listening. And then listen right at the end. I don't know if you caught it, but as she's hanging up, I guess her three-year-old kids put her up to it. I guess they really were listening. And I think the three-year-olds went, Mommy, call that man and tell him to stop it. Because you'll hear her right at the end.

I'll play it again. She goes, yeah, I told him. And then she hangs up. Check it out. You can hear it. Did you catch it? It was pretty faint, but she's like, I did. I told him.

And you can just picture the kids going, Okay, mama, good job. Now take us to Derrick Queen, Biosch. What? So just to reiterate, I have to get used to saying I'm on a podcast. I'm not on the radio. I'm on a podcast.

Okay? So don't anyone panic. It's not like the War of the World's thing. Nobody needs to jump off a building. I've set the record straight. Once or for all. It's the Harland Highway podcast. Hey, this is Harlan Williams, and you're rolling on the Harland Highway, and I know you're always looking to expand your creativity, take in new hobbies.

So today I'm going to teach you some origami, the art of folding paper, and making it into beautiful little creations. So here we go. grab a plain sheet of paper there you go and fold to the left fold to the right fold over in the middle

fold the corner fold over one more time fold the corner and the lower side and voila A beautiful swan A beautiful, beautiful, beautiful swan Good for you

Does anyone even do that anymore? Is it a lost art form? Origami The art of folding paper Into funny little shapes, little animals Swans and ducks and unicorns Hey man, you better back off Oh, yeah, what's you going to do about it?

Man, I'm going to fold me up a unicorn. What? You know origami? Oh, yeah, I know origami. I'd say it again. You better back off, Beas. Watch out, boys. He knows origami. Hi, this is Harlan Williams, and welcome back to making origami.

Yes, origami, the ancient oriental art form. where you take a plain flat piece of paper and fold it into wonderful and beautiful designs, shapes, and creation. So here we go one more time. Let me, Harlan Williams, instruct you through the process. Grab your paper and fold in the middle. Bend over the top side. And fold lower corner and twist and bend into the top side.

Very good. Now fold backwards and bend the lower left corner. Excellent. You've created a meteorite, a beautiful... Beautiful meteorite made out of paper. Good for you. Congratulations on tapping into your inner creative spirit. All right, I guess we leave it there on an artsy-fartcy note.

Watch out for paper cuts. And don't forget if you're in the greater Los Angeles, California area, yours truly harland williams will be doing stand-up comedy tonight friday february 19th and tomorrow night saturday february 20th at the hollywood improv on melrose avenue right in the heart of hollywood historic comedy club it's going to be great come on out um few tickets still available check my website and then for you those of you in the midwest don't feel left out um april I will be in Anderson, Indiana, at a beautiful theater, the Paramount Theater, gorgeous theater, get tickets and information on the website at the Harlan Williams stand-up page

at Harlan Williams.com. And then April 3rd, I will be in Columbus, Ohio at another beautiful theater. Unbelievable. It's going to be great. check my stand-up schedule for all the info on that. And until then, have a great time doing whatever you're doing. And if you're all alone, get some paper and fold yourself up a sweet origami partner. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby.

They're a three-year-old pushing.