The Harland Highway - Podcast 76

Episode Date: February 22, 2010

Car add on's, Animals making sexy time in nature, your first time and how many times lifetime, and other sexy topics. Sweet mumbling mold monsters! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who cares? Come on, everybody. Welcome. Hi, everybody, Harland Williams. So happy you join me today. Oh, what a show. What a crazy, crackly, crunchy show. Like a bowl of breakfast cereal. Full of niacin and riboflavin, just crunchy and crackly and yummy. Poor milk on this podcast. We're talking about the things you adorn your cars with, stickers, and bumper stickers and things like that. And what's the expiration date on those? We're going to be, apparently Donald Duck did a porn video.

We're going to be listening to that. We're going to be talking about the number of times you've had sex when you lost your virginity. We're going to be talking about all kinds of crazy sex stop. So get your clothes off and let's go. You're on the Harland Highway, you freaky little sex monkeys. You just made a wrong turn Would you kindly shut your mouth

On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routtspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy All right, I'm starting to show off with a real beef, a real finely sliced chunk of 100% grade-Aid beef, okay?

This is for all you freaks who are sports fanatics or bumper sticker fanatics or people who like to put things on their car that have an expiration date. Let me give you an example. okay let's say you've got a city like here in los angeles we have the los angeles lakers basketball team when the lakers win all kinds of people put these little banners that come up out of the side of their windows or on their antenna or hanging off the back little flags flapping in the wind yay lakers we won doodoo do you know they're gold and blue the team colors and then After about a week or two, maybe three at the most, take the damn things down.

I'm not kidding. I see cars driving around Los Angeles with these Los Angeles Laker flags waving. And they look like, you remember the guy in the Civil War who had to run across the field? He had no weapons. The poor sucker just had to be representing. And he carried the flag. Everyone else had a gun, and this poor loser had to carry a flag, like, just to make sure they knew who was attacking them. Okay, and then picture the flag after the battle with bullet holes and musket holes and flamethrower marks and burn marks and dragonflies that splatted against it.

Okay? So that's what the shape of the flag is in, this Los Angeles Laker flag. and it's all frayed and hanging. It's so frayed it almost looks like hair. It almost looks like a hair clump from out of the drain. It's so frayed. Again, keep in mind, in California, the sun shines almost all the time. And what the sun does is it bleaches everything.

Anything left out in the sun, the color inevitably fades rather quickly. So here you go. you got these Los Angeles Laker flags. The championship game was eight months ago. Your flag is so tattered from the wind and the rain and the whatever else. You know, it's probably got drive-by bullet holes through it because you live in L.A. And then the sun has bleached it so lightly that you can't even read it. It's just a vague, faded outline of the Lakers logo or something.

so what I'm saying is take the damn things off like a grumpy old man they annoy me and then even worse okay how many of you are still seeing people driving around with Obama Biden bumper stickers right people who won't let go of the election or they have to let everyone know that yep

I'm the reason Obama made it I voted for him yep Oh, I went for McCain and Palin. That was me. Don't want anyone to forget my political opinion. Make sure, you know, before you hunk at my vehicle where I stand politically. I might be a friend on your side of the aisle, so I'll leave this election sticker on here till I sell my car in 2025. And, oh, yeah, I'll only sell it to an Obama supporter.

That's how strong I stand. Okay, take the junk off Once an event is like a month over, that's it It's like milk, it's sour, it's done, get it off There, is that cranky old man enough for you today? And while you're out of, get the hell off my lawn, you little bastards Psh, pshaw! Oh, come on, as if you don't have something you gripe about.

Everyone has something, some little thing that just makes them, like, grumpy. Or they have a, they have a natty little quirk. There's something out there floating in the world that just bothers them. And everyone else is like, what's the matter with you, man? Who cares if the guy's got the flags? Who cares about the bumpers? What's wrong with you? What's this really all about?

What are you so mad about, dude? okay i really hate cars okay that's what it is i'm angry about cars but what do you have what's what's a little thing that bugs you you want to call me and tell me leave me a message at three two three two one five fourteen eighty six i'm interested you heard me grump for about two minutes i want to hear you grump grump grump grump grump it sounds like a frog out in a swamp

grump grump someone just shot me so call me and grump me 323215 1486 Okay so this sounds

really inappropriate but from time to time people send us things here at the Harland Highway and in the mail I just got this DVD like you know the Paris Hilton thing and all that I don't know if I want to watch this it looks like Donald Duck has put out DVD I don't know let's put it on here and see what we get and turn up the volume Um, Raj. What the hell is he doing there? Oh, turn it off.

That is just foul. And I don't, pardon the pun, but that is foul. I don't want to see that again. All right, just that end part. Okay, okay, enough. All right, one more time. Okay, enough. Wow.

I never knew ducks. Wow. That is gross. That's like a Donald Duck porno movie. Are you kidding me? That just, wow. It's just like weird. You know, I've seen animals.

on the Discovery Channel, you know. But to see Donald, like, taking it all off and going at it with, I don't even know what that was. It looked like a flamingo he was with or a mallard or a Maganzer or a snow goose. I don't know. It looked kind of pale. I don't know, but, oh. And the thing that was gross, he just had that little sailor's hat on, too.

I don't know. Should we watch some more? I don't know. No, no, no. we should oh great look at this i got i got all the uh the crew coming in here the janitor i got the the techs rogers coming in all my support team all the techs are coming in to watch this thing you really want to watch this some more you guys are just this is all right let's watch some more here we go the donald duck porno movie what's it called here uh swamp grass

Oh, God. Good Lord. Swampgrass, are kidding me? All right, turn it off. God. Come on, guys. This is a professional studio. We're doing the Harland Highway here,

and you're huddled around the day. DVD screen watching Donald Duck porn movies. Get out of here. Everyone out. Out, out. You two, out. God, what a bunch of creeps. And thank God they're gone. Now I can watch it alone. Okay, come on. That's enough. That's sort of. Sorry. I'm so sorry. That's dirty, dirty, dirty duck.

Swampgrass. Oh, God. And what was weird, he was doing it duckie style, which is a lot like doggy style, except there's more feathers involved. Just, ugh. But isn't it interesting, though, that if you are a fan of the nature shows, if you're a fan of the Discovery Channel and animal planet and all that, they got no problem showing a moose going at it or a couple of tortoises having intercourse or uh lions you know you know lions and the lion performs intercourse every six minutes for four weeks until the woman is impregnated yeah the woman that's what i said the lion woman

but i mean they'll just show them humping away they'll show like a buffalo getting mounting a buffalo I've even seen elephants going at it. I've seen on TV, I'm not kidding, whales. There was one episode where it was like the humpback whale or the beluga whale or the sperm whale or something. And these things surfaced to the top of the water and the guy's like, and the beluga whale has the largest penis in the animal kingdom.

This 12-foot member flaps into the... I'm not kidding, 12 feet. Can you imagine 12 feet? feet of penis ladies can you imagine two feet of penis i mean come on 12 foot penis that's you could trip on that if you were

running through the forest you could trip over that and hurt yourself honestly if you got like a whole bunch of 12 foot whale penises you could pretty much build a log cabin you could carve them up and make a log whale penis cabin

what am I talking about But what I'm saying is, you know, I watched an episode where there's these two whales surfaced and the female whale kind of rolls, lulls onto her side, and the male surfaces, and they're so fat, you know, there's no way they can mount each other. So the male, his giant 12-footer comes out, and then towards the top, it kind of flops over. So it kind of like saggs over. It goes straight up and then bends over. and kind of finds its way into the female whale vagina. God, can anyone picture a whale vagina, too? Wonder how long that thing is. I mean, you got a figure you got a 12-foot penis coming at your vagina.

You probably have to have about a 9-foot vagina. Good Lord. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I'm getting ill, but my point is that maybe some of you fatter people out there can relate to that size. I don't know. But my point is

if they can show all this graphic copulation by animals, I mean, I've seen ants and insects, sex and amphibians, and I've seen seashells and lobsters having sex. Why is it that we can't show humans? What is so disgusting, so vile, that when you go to a movie or you're watching a nature show, you can't see humans go at it? Mommy, what's that?

Oh, that's a sea scallop making love. Oh, okay, what's that? Those are zebras having fornication, my child. well how did I get here mommy go to your room you little brat how dare you ask a question like but i just wanted to know shut up go to your room you pervert i'm only six years old get to your room you little pervert where did we go so wrong that we're disgusted and disgraced by our own bodies and what we do basically they're they're broadcasting television to an audience that is the result of sex.

We sit and we watch because our parents got it on and now we're the TV audience because we're the lucky sperms that made it to the finish line. So what is the dealio, man? And I'm not saying I want porn all over the, you know, the television. But if you're watching a CSI or you're watching some kind of show like Baywatch or something and there's some kind of organic. panic scene where you can see nudity or people having sex?

Is it so wrong? I guess the problem is it would just dominate, right? It's like TV executives. What? Wait, we can show intercourse now? Oh my God, okay. Well, let's get rid of those seven comedy scenes and let's replace that with sex. Yeah, let's do, we need six intercourse scenes, 169, and let's have a three-way for the climax. and I do emphasize climax.

I don't know. It's just weird. Seems backwards to me, you know? It's just a little ass backwards. Yes, let's put that in, too. I want the ass backwards scene. Let's scrap the three-way and we'll put in the ass backwards. Oh, boy, I'm going to go watch some nature shows and see if I can see some sea cucumbers get it on.

I'll be right back after this. Oh, you are going to like this statistic, people. Oh, yes, you are. If you're an average person, you are going to like what I'm about to tell you. Are you ready? Have you got your seatbelt on? It turns out that the average person in an average lifetime has sex 4,200 times. Hello!

Hello! Are you kidding me? 4,200 times. That's the average. Wow. That is a lot of sex people. Okay, and that's the average person. How many of us are average when it comes to sex?

How many people have an average sexual appetite? I don't think many human beings do. We are the rabbits of the human world. We like to hump. So if the average person is having 4,200 rounds of sex in an average lifetime, what's the freak having? What's the horn dog having? What's the, I got a haven't guy and girl having?

So for all you virgins out there who haven't yet done it, oh, fear not. You've got 4,200 sessions coming your way, player. Hello! Oh, I can't wait till mine starts. Number one. Oh, I'm going to be a busy boy. Spray on the cologne and put the Barry Manilow on the turntable.

Does everyone out there actually remember their first time? Can, is that getting too personal? Can I ask that question? No, Harlan, you can't. Why not? You just can't. You don't do it. Well, I'm doing it.

No, Harlan, no, don't go there, boyfriend. I mean, it's probably, I would think everyone would remember the first time they had. I'm going to say it, full-blown sexual intercourse. If you don't remember it, I think there might be something wrong with you. Like, how do you not remember it in graphic detail? And I'm not talking just about the sexual moment. In fact, you probably don't remember the sexual moment. moment. I'm talking about the lead up to it and the setting and, uh, you know, the location and the

situation and the vibe and the mood and the feelings. Do you remember where it was? Was it in the backseat of a car? Was it underneath the bleachers at the football stadium? Was it in your parents' house when they were away at work? Was it in the changing room at the pool? Was it out in a park? Was it out on a beach? Where was your first place? I want to know. Yeah, I'm nosy.

I bet there's some pretty interesting ones out there. And I don't make any up on me, but I want you to call me and tell me where it was. And I just want you to tell me if it was a good experience or a bad experience. Call me at 323-215-14-86. And if you can't remember that number, just go to the home. homepage at harlomwilliams.com right down at the bottom at the podcast section the numbers there 323215-1486 um and how old were you um sometimes you hear these kids like yeah i was 13 man what yeah it was 14 12 somewhere in there what i mean i got a

tell you there's probably a lot of kids out there not me you know not me other kids out there you know probably wishing they could have done it at that age what kid didn't but realistically you know a lot of a lot of guys and girls maybe didn't do it till they're in their late teens maybe their 20s i'm not saying me i'm not saying it didn't happen for me until i was 20 no i'm not saying that why would i why would i say that it all it happened to me when i was 20 no i'm not why and even if it did would i tell you no that it happened to me at 20 no no it happened to me at like eight okay that's how good i am at eight i was seducing my school teachers and 20. What kind of loser?

Loses it at 20. Not me, not me, no. How about you? How old were you? Where was it? I'm interested in it. I bet there's some good tales to be told out there. I won't tell you what age it was for me, but it was in kind of an odd place. It was like, a nurse's residence. I had a girlfriend. Could have been high school, could have been college, right? I guess depending on where she was, it would make her older.

But you're asking yourself, why would a girl in high school be staying at a nurse's residence with a bunch of college students? Well, maybe she was a young nurse and not a girl from my college who, where I was going, when I was 20 years old. No, no, no. So anyways, it was at a nurse's residence, and you had to sign in, and you had to go past a security guard and get a pass to stay there,

and you had to be gone by a certain hour, and on the weekends you could maybe sign in for a sleepover. It was very militant. And we worked out a little system where I'd go through rocks at her window. I'm not even kidding. I would throw pebbles at her window. She'd sneak down to the fire escape. I would literally have to wear black, okay? Black leather jacket, black pants, and I would roll across the ground at night in front of the window, in front of the doors, where the security guard sat. So I could get to the fire escape. The only way I could get to the fire

escape doors if I went past the main doors where the security guard was sitting. And so here I am like a ninja. I'm like a North American Canadian ninja rolling along the gravel and the grass. And there was my little lady who, I won't say how old she was. Was she a college student? I don't know. There she was waiting with the fire door lodged open. and then she was up on like the six floor so soon as that we got in that door it was like this

mad rush up upstairs so the time we got up there we were sweating and puffing and wheeze and it was the opposite of what fire stairs were invented for which is to get people out running down we were running up because the only fire burning was in our loins and in our hearts and in our eyes and in our minds and we wanted to sit some sparks off up in her little nurse's residence bedroom so yeah I know that doesn't sound too macho

yeah hey Harlem where'd you lose your virginity man um in a nurse's residence dude up on the sixth floor really what'd you do throw rocks how did you know oh just a hunch and how old were you 20 what say what step back player

I ain't got no fire. Yeah, well, at least I got the ninja thing, okay? How many of you guys had to roll like a ninja commando in the middle of the night across the ground to lose your virginity? At least I got that. Well, it doesn't sound so cool. Up yours.

So there you go. I want to hear your stories. I had the Cajonies enough to tell you, although I left a few little details out. But I want you to man up and woman up and phone me at 323-215-14-8-6 And tell me where you lost your virginity and how old you were Looking forward to it, ooh, mama, get the ninja clothes on and dial those phones. Howdy folks, Harlan Williams here with you.

Enjoying your ride home, are you? Yeah? Take a listen. Roll down your window, you hear all those noises. Listen to all the traffic and the honking and the yelling and the bombs going off and the zebra's braying and the whales breaching, the bumblebee's splattering against your glass. Oh, there's a lot of noises. But I got one of the worst noises I ever heard.

I went home to visit my parents recently. Okay. And they've still got my little bedroom. set up from when I was a little kid and I'm in there I go to sleep I'm trying to go to sleep I'm laying in bed

and I hear a noise a noise you never want to hear I hear my parents having sex my parents are getting it on man and I'm laying in my little bed and it's like I can hear the moaning and the groaning

right so I put my hands over my ears and I can still hear it. It's just getting louder and louder and louder and louder. And I don't know what to do. It just keeps going and going and gone. And then finally, I just, I can't take it anymore. The squishing, the wheezing, the grunting. I can't take it anymore.

So finally, I just, I roll over and I say to my folks, I say, look, for the love of St. Peter. Get the hell out of my room. Get back to your own room, you freaks? Good Lord. Take a chill pill. Go have a cold shower and a slice of key lime pie or something. Wow.

Yeah, I know. Horrific. Horific, horrific, horrific, horrific. But, you know, hey, you do it, they do it. How the heck do you think you were born? Oh, God. Well, speaking of sexy, let's shift gears here. Speaking of sexy, sexy stuff, here's something sexy.

I want to tell you about me, yours truly, the guy who was deflowered in a nurse's residence, I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy live at a place near you real soon. Now check this out on February 25th through the 28th, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I'm going to be a Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, California. That's February 25th, 26th, 27th, and 28th. Get your tickets, man. It is going to be a blowout. We're going to be doing stand-up comedy and then some sketch comedy after the stand-up

portion of the show. And then if you can't make it to the West Coast, I'm coming to the Midwest. And if you don't live there, tell your friends that do live there that I'm coming. I'm going to be April 2nd at the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana, which is just outside of Indianapolis. Great show, beautiful old theater. Same thing, stand up and sketch comedy. Two different sides of comedy. And then April 3rd, oh, this is going to be great.

I'm going to be at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. same thing gorgeous old theater stand-up comedy some sketch comedy it's going to be incredible show and like I said if you don't live there do me a favor call or email someone that you know that lives in those regions of the Americas

and fill them in because you don't want to miss those shows so there you go folks come check me out in Frisco or Columbus, Ohio, or Anderson, Indiana. And make sure you check us out at the next podcast, where we're going to have fun. We might discover the meaning of life. We might just eat chocolate.

I might put some skates on and wear ice skates for the whole podcast. Why, I don't know, but that's the type of stuff I do. Do you know any other podcaster that would do that? No, just me. That's what I do for you, because it's all about you. I'm doing this for you and me. I mean, I'm doing it to have fun, but I'm doing it to entertain you.

So I hope you're digging it, man. I'm loving it. I love it that you folks tune in and ride along the highway with me. And we'll catch you next time right here on the Harlan Highway. Until then, as always, chicken, chow, Maine, baby. For me, Harlan Williams. No, mom and dad, get out of here.

No. The podcast is over. Get out. What are you doing? No, no, no. Don't start taking your clothes up. Put your clothes up. Mom. Dad put, pull up those. No. No, no, no. Get out of here. Out. Put your clothes on. No, I don't want to watch. Get out. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Not that. No, not the... You're too old for the doggy style. Oh, my God. No!