The Harland Highway - Podcast 77

Episode Date: February 24, 2010

Cures for the body, the way the body works, stress relief, body piercings, and a visit from Police officer Chin-Ho from Hawaii 5-0. Swirling seaweed sauce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ding dong the witch is dead the wicked witch the wicked witch ding dong the wicked witch is dead but you're not you're alive and you're right here with me your host harlan williams and you're on the harland highway and what a shishish shish shish shish show we have today okay uh it's kind of that time of year when people get sick so we're going to be talking about remedies cures uh things like that. We're going to be discussing your body in general, kind of how it works and how magnificent it is. And we're going to be talking about things you can do to release the stress in your body. We're going to be talking about some of the things people do to their bodies, the piercings and the things like that.

And then we have an interesting new guest. We're going to be opening up the Harland Highway Police Fire. and we actually have a law enforcement officer from the field who will be dropping by to tell us about crime fighting, about some recent criminal cases, some murders, some unsolved murders, and just a fascinating guy, I'm sure. Can't wait. Let's get going.

You're under arrest. I'm taking you down to the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Arlen. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend.

Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Ah, too. Yeah, it's flu season. I don't have the flu. But I'm betting a lot of you do, right? It's that time of year. Flu.

Oh, God, isn't it miserable? You just get caught up in bed for like two, three days, and your head's spinning, and you're just like, You're just like, it's like if you were a volume switch, you'd be on three, man. Sucks. And nothing seems to help. You know, everyone has, oh, have some chicken noodle soap. Just have some soap and you're going to be just fine and have some eukanasia.

Just three drops of eucanasia underneath your tongue. You're just going to be super dupe. You'll be better in about 40 minutes. Oh, really? Yes, 40 minutes. Take an extra drop and you'll actually go back in time and be able to see dinosaurs.

Okay. Isn't it funny people have all these remedies? Everyone turns into a physician when you got the flu? It's like, oh man, I'm feeling. I got the flu, man. All right, here's what you do. Put some raisins in your hair

and fill your bathtub with seven up and soak in it. I swear to God it's just wonderful and put some oatmeal all over your face and paint your toenails green and put your head through some drywall you're going to be great you're ready for that meeting in the morning

yeah let me just get the 7-Eleven and get the 7 up well don't forget the raisins oh god it's like voodoo man it's like people turn into witch doctors you're not feeling well what you have to do is pull the tail off a lizard, eat the beak of a crow, and put an ostrich egg under your pillow, and sing into the black night with a black cat standing on your penis.

What? Feeling better yet? Yeah, I'm feeling real better, and I just think I had a sex change. Someone just get me like some Bayer ass. Aspirin and a lemonade. Okay? Okay, voodoo doctors? I don't need your help, man.

God, if I wanted that, I'd go to a voodoo doctor, man. Hey, man, I think I got the flu. Right, imagine that. You got the flu. You had to go on safari into the darkest jungles of Africa. Look for some guy in a wooden mask and bones sticking out of his face. Sprinkling like chicken feathers and tiger's blood all over you. Hey, Bill, you look amazing.

Have you been at a spa? No, in the jungles of Africa, had someone put zebra piss and rub elephant dine. all over me. I've never felt better. What the hell are you talking about, Bill? You asked. You're fired. What? So there you go. If you're feeling blue, I say laughter's the best medicine. Hopefully, I'm able to supply you with some chuckles today, and you'll feel better.

Right here on the hospitalized Harland Highway. Meow. Meow. Miao That's right, cat lovers You're cruising down the Harlan Highway With the biggest wild cat of them all Me, Harland Williams

Yeah, I'm a wild cat I'll take a zebra down Faster than a couple of midgets wrestling with a Winnie the Pooh doll Meow, I'm a wild cat Are you cat lovers? Hmm? Are there cat lovers out there?

I got an old lady who lives now next door to me. Loves the cats. It's all she thinks about cats, this, cats that. Oh, come here, kitty, kitty. If this pussy wants some milk now? Oh, pitty, kitty, kitty. Come here, pitty. Oh, brother. Go play with a yo-yo granny. He's driving me nuts with all her cats. So this is what I do. Every morning. Every morning, I, I, I sneak out of my house. I crawl across the lawn on my belly. Commando style.

I creep right over to underneath her window ledge. I get right under there and I just start doing it. Meow! Meow! I'm making my cat calls. My world famous cat calls. My international house of cat calls, cat calls. Meow!

I'm right under her window sill every morning without fail. She sticks her head out. She sticks her head out that window. I jump up. I punch her right in the face. Oh, that feels good, doesn't it? All right, a fictional account. I would never punch an old lady.

Okay, people? Be nice to your elders. Be nice to your elders. driving behind one right now. And if you're not nice, you're never going to get home. Meow! You ever wonder what you're going to look like when you get old? And I don't mean old like 40 or 50 or 60.

I mean like senior citizen old. You ever wonder? That's what's weird about actors. Like, you know, I saw a picture of Robert Redford recently, you know, doing all the interviews for the, uh, Sundance Film Festival. And he's like an old guy now. He's like a senior citizen.

And he's just got the wrinkles and your ears keep growing when you get older. And I'm not mocking it. I mean, we all get old. I'm not making fun of it. But it's just so weird to think that, you know, that guy was such a dashing, handsome kid at one time, you know? And we all were. our own right so you ever think about what you're going to look like when you're when you're

really old it's kind of scary isn't it it's kind of weird it's like uh you know where are the wrinkles gonna come in where are the lines going to happen where are the uh skin spots going to appear you know where the creases and the folds going to show up what's your hair going to do what of the bags under your eyes going to look like? And are you going to be one of these old people that kind of just let it go? Like there's some people that just, you know, Christ, I'm old. Who cares about nothing about nobody?

And they just kind of have a tendency to let the teeth go crooked and yellow. And, you know, birds nests are coming out of the nose. And the ears are so hairy. They look like a little baby Ewas. right and there's like just scabs and dry skin flaking on the cheeks and are you going to be one of those old people that kind of prunes yourself and preens yourself and you know puts on some some skin cream and kind of you know trims the crazy jack nicholson eyebrows and you know puts some moistureizer on and maybe tries to, you know, do something with the hair?

Are you just going to be like crazy old guy that lives under a bridge? It is weird, though. Why can't they stop the aging thing, man? It's just strange. When you're a kid, you can't even fathom it, right? And then when you get in your 30s, you're like, I still got tons of time. And then you get in your late 30s and maybe a few hands. gray hairs show up, then you get in your 40s, and, you know, you're like, hmm, am I getting old?

Your body, your skin doesn't have the same elasticity that it might have had. Maybe you start to see a few lines on your neck, on your throat. Am I scaring you yet? Am I freaking you out? You're like, shut up, man. I was having a good day until you remind me about my mortality. Okay? I'm not getting old

Screw you, man I live in Beverly Hills I eat granola man I rub yogurt on my body I'm not getting old You're getting old I still look like a million bucks And I'm not getting old

Sorry Although there are like I think they are working in the scientific community To try and you know stem the tide to hold back the clocks of time. Who knows, man. We might live to see that 100, 200, 300-year-old mark.

Do you imagine your heart pumping for 300 years? Your kidney and your liver pounding away for 300 years? Think about it, though. Think about just the fact that it does one year, that it does two years. think about your car your car which is made of metal and aluminum and how long does a truck engine last or a car engine what's the shelf life on those man and you can take those in for maintenance you know they're just machines their engines but then think of your heart your heart just keeps pumping and pumping and pumping and most people live you know the average person lives into their 80s think of any piece of equipment in your house, your fridge, your stove, your TV, your radio, nothing lasts 80 years.

They, like, burn out at, like, 15, not, eight. Your car lasts about six to ten years. Your dogs, your cats, everything just... Hello, man, I'm at the 14-year mark. That's it for me. 14 is a human. You're just getting gone, man. So think about your heart.

hard as a machine and now it just keeps pumping and pumping and 80 freaking years that's a long time man a piece of machinery going 80 years and then think of all the other pieces in your body okay not only are they going for 80 years your liver your spleen your kidney your lungs your brain your skin your eyes your bones Not only are they going for 80 years or more, but they're all working in tandem together. Like a machine.

Think about how often your TV breaks down. One little tube goes. Or your car, a fuse blows, or the windshield wiper brakes, or the engine seizes, or the muffler falls off. Or your fridge, the ice cube maker jams up. Or your sink pops a hot. hose. This is all stuff fabricated out of metal and plastic, and this stuff should last forever. So think about all those working parts and all those materials. And are you kidding

me? We must have like three million functions going on in our body at the same time. And it's all working in unison. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. It's kind of a mind-blower. I don't know how often you think about it.

You're probably like crawling in your skin right now. You're kind of like visualizing all these moving parts and things pumping and pulsing and shooting neurons. and electrical impulses, and you're probably just like, oh, my God, stop talking about it. Oh, I'm so alive inside. All these, oh, I'm itchy. You're making me itchy. Oh, stop it.

Oh, everything's, I'm going to overload. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ah! I know, I'm over-analyzing it. But it's pretty incredible, man. It's pretty miraculous. And then think of all that stuff. And it all came from a microscopic polywag, a little tiny sperm cell.

And you grew into all these moving functioning parts. It's amazing. It's the miracle of life. Be thankful every day that all these things work and they function. And if you're not going to the gym, if you're not exercising, if you're not walking, do something to feed the machine. Keep all the parts oiled. I mean, listen, what do they tell you? Every 3,000 miles, take it to jiffy-lube

and get your oils and your filters done for your car. How many of you do that even? And sure enough, your car is gone in 10, 15 years. So do it for yourself, at least, because we want you to live a long, long time, so you can keep coming right here and listening to the Harland Highway. Yeah, of course, there was a selfish reason

right at the end. Just when you thought I was looking out for you, it was all about keeping you right here at the highway. Oh, oh, my heart. Just kidding. How many of you out there would love to get your face hit by lightning?

That is the big question today here on the Harland Highway. And I bring it up because there is a revolution going on out there, people. Hmm? A body piercing revolution. What is with the people getting their bodies pierced? Especially in their faces. Is that throwing anybody off? Is it just me?

I'm just having a hard time reacting to the body piercing. I saw a kid the other day on the sidewalk, walking down the street. This guy had eight rings in his eyebrows. I didn't know what to do. I ran up. I hung a shower curtain on his face. Gave him a bar of Irish spring. I said, go take a shower, kid. You smell like lasagna.

Go put some Irish spring in your pits. Get rid of that lasagna stink that floats around you like a gas cloud. I don't know. I see the kids with the rings. in their noses. I mean, that's just, I'm holding myself back. I just want to go up and pull it, like a hang grenade, and see if they blow up 10 seconds later. Imagine that. Walk up to a goth chick, pull the friggin ring out of her nose, pick her up and throw her over the ridge, watch the bomb go off. Pieces of black clothing shrapnel flying all over the place.

Somebody gets hit in the temple with a, black Doc Martin boot just blew off of the goth chick grenade chick? I don't know man and the piercing of the tongue man I mean that's a steel bolt right in the middle of your face

I guess it's supposed to be cool right till one day you're maybe out there in the desert rock climbing with your buddies and all of a sudden up on the ridge there appears a coyote with a giant acme magnet? Yeah. That's going to be real good metal face, huh? Hellraiser. You're just going to be

pulled across the desert and stick to the coyote's magnet. I mean, what happens with this? People say it feels good. Feels good to get your body pierced. What do you wake up in the morning and run down to the railroad tracks and find a railroad spike? And this ought to feel good, hammering this into the middle of my forehead. Run right by Starbucks where everyone else is getting their groove on, getting their engine running with a latte mocha. Not you. You're a body piercer. Hammering this railroad spike into my head with a rock will get my engine going. I'm off to work with my new piercing. Wow. You know what? Just get to the mall. Get some Mary Kay cosmetics. Put a little eye liner on, a little foundation, a little blush, some chapstick. Don't shove a shishabob

through your face, people. You're going to get hit by lightning. And you're just going to be like this pile of skin and bones and ball bearings and metal. Oh, I'm just looking out for you here on the Harland Highway. Watch out you don't run over any tire spikes on the way home. Could be a goth chick laying down in the middle of the highway for a nap. I love these guys, too. You ever get the guys with the bamboo hoops in their earlobes? Those big giant round rainforest hoops. I'm not kidding.

I saw a kid the other day with one of those. I threw a football through it. I want a stuffed panda. Hello. All right. Let's do this. Let's go to our police files. right away. Let's go to the police files.

Okay, this is exciting. We have Chin Ho from the Fame TV show, Hawaii 5-0. He's a police officer. He's now living on the mainland here in Los Angeles, California, and he's been out. Solving Crimes, and Chinho, welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, well, this is exciting.

So any exciting cases here in La La Land? Yes, we had a triple homicide yesterday morning, but Chin Ho solved case. Oh, you solved? Wow, a triple homicide. That's kind of a... Yes, it's not very nice. Well, no, it's never nice when somebody dies, but what were some of the clues that you used to solve this incredible triple homicide?

Oh, there was juice. Pardon me? Juice. There was juice. Yes, that's what I said, juice. Okay, there was juice on the floor or something? Yes, juice on the floor, juice on the walls, juice everywhere. Oh, wow.

Okay, interesting. What kind of juice? Pineapple juice Okay Yeah Okay, pineapple Okay, okay, okay, okay Pineapple juice

Yes, pineapple juice Okay, I'm not sure how that relates to the We also found Round circular shapes What do you mean? Like Ninja Stars or What do you mean round circular shapes? Round circular shapes.

all over the crime scene. Oh my God, what were they? Pineapple rings. Okay, okay, please. Okay, please stop the Hawaiian music. What's the matter with you? Just that music's getting a little irritating, and I find the crime scene a little peculiar.

Yes, it was three bodies laying all over the place, and it was horrifying. Yes, I can only imagine, and did you find a murder weapon of any kind? Yes, we did. Oh, my God. Was it a knife? No. A gun?

No. What was it? It was a big, blunt object. Oh, no. Someone, like, hit them with a baseball bat or something? Wider than that. Wider than a baseball bat? Like a, oh, no, a two-by-four?

Even wider. Oh, no. and kind of round. What do you mean? Like a bowling ball? Don't tell me somebody murdered someone with a bowling ball. Very close, but there's a green thing on top. A green thing on top?

Yes. What the hell was it? It was a pineapple. Okay, stop it. Cut that Hawaiian music off. Cut it out. What the hell is? Stop it.

What the hell is this? What? Is everything going to be pineapple here? What are you talking about? Well, you come in here. You used to be on Hawaii 50. You got a crime scene. You got a triple homicide.

And you're telling me these people were murdered with a pineapple. Say it properly. What? Pineapple. No, say it like this. Pineapple. Stop it. Stop.

enough. Stop. Cut that off. Get them out of here. Get them out of here. It's another... Roger? It's another freak guest. What? You shut up. Don't tell me to shut up. I'm with Hawaii 5-0. Shut up, Roger. Get him out of here. I know who killed O.J. Simpson's wife. Wait a minute. What? I know who murdered O.J. Simpson's wife. You know who murdered the O.J. murders. Yes. Who did the O.J. murders. O.J. Okay, great. But he did it with a pineapple.

Get out of here! Don't play the music. No! Get him out! Get him out! Get him out of here! What the hell was that? The Hawaii 5-0 guy? Stop it! Stop that damn music! Stop! Never again. Chin-ho. We don't want that guy. Never again. Let's close up. up the police files. I'm sorry you had to sit through that idiot. Pineapple. Stop it!

Okay, so it's late. You stayed a little extra, did an extra few minutes around the office. Now you're heading home on the Harland Highway, and you're a little tired. It's been a long day. You need a little pick-me-up. And I'm not talking about any little pill. or taking a little toot or pulling in for a coffee. This is how I picked myself up. Just burst into a Polynesian war chant. Just start jumping up and down, chanting. Do you want to join me? Here we go.

Let's wake up here, people, as we're driving down the Harlan Highway. Three, two, one. Bunggitabla-lum-bong-giddle-gung-dung-dung-a-lung-a-l-l-l-l-gall-a-l-l-l-all-all-all. All right, give me some extra bongo-gumgo-drums here. Someone hammer a nail on an old lady's foot. Someone hammer a nail on an old lady's foot. Someone smash a pussy, zip-faced kid's forehead off the side of a 1973 Dodge pickup. Ew!

Oh! And big finish! Oh, I am awake now, people. I'm so awake, I could wake walk. You've heard a sleepwalk. I could wake walk. I could just walk around awake. I cannot even know it.

But we're not walking right now, are we people? We're driving, wide-eyed and full of enthusiasm as we motor home on the Harland Highway. Hong Kong, toot-toot, beep, beep. Yeah, there it is. Get home safely. do what you got to do to release the stress

hopefully listening to the Harland Highway here with me, your host, Harlan Williams helps release the stress. Release the stress. Just a quick reminder for all you

stand-up comedy freaks. Don't forget all this weekend February 25th February 28th, I will be at the Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco, California, beautiful venue, great club, going to be doing stand-up, followed by some whose line is it anyway style improv. So get your buns out to Cobbs Comedy Club. You can go to Harlem Williams.com for information on tickets and showtimes. And if you don't live there, tell some of your friends.

who live out on the West Coast to go see me. It'll be well worth it. And then another reminder, the April Fool Show is coming to Indianapolis, just outside of Indianapolis, Anderson, Indiana at the Paramount Theater, April 2nd, and then April 3rd at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. Same deal, stand-up comedy, and, and,

sketch-style comedy, all in one show. Both of those will be in beautiful old-style theaters. So hope to see you there. And until next time, my friends, until next time, chicken chau-main with a little bit of pineapple sauce on the side. No! No, I didn't mean that. No! Shut it off!

Shut it up! Thank you.