The Harland Highway - Podcast 78

Episode Date: February 26, 2010

Celebrity races, phone calls from listeners, a spiritual adviser drops in, and yes it's Friday and that means Dr. Ascot. Happy twinkle toes! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Two divided by love can only be one, and one is a lonely number. Yes, it's me singing, and no, you're not alone. You're here with me, Harland Williams, on the one and only Harland Highway podcast. And I'm so happy you're here, because I don't want to be alone. So as long as you're here and I'm here, we're not alone. Right? Right. Okay.

Well, what have we got going on today? Oh, my God. What a show, what a show, what a show. We're going to have a spiritual advisor coming into the studio. I guess she's kind of like she does Ouija boards and spiritual advising and reads tarot cards and stuff like that. We're going to be taking phone calls from some of you people, some of your messages. We're going to go to the racetrack. We're going to do some celebrity racing today.

we're going to be talking about the government and some of the things they don't want you to know and of course it's Friday I've got to see Dr. Ascott. But don't let that bring you down. Let's keep the energy high despite Dr. Ascott. Let's have fun. Let's go. It's the Harlan Highway.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harland Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Hey, Harlan, Scott from Virginia. Just wanted to wish you a happy Friday. And let you know my wife's a dirty girl. Okay, thanks for the... that update Scott um yeah that's the kind of listeners i have here at the harland highway let me know the status on their relationships well who cares it's a beautiful day and here's what i think let me ask you how many of you are up for going to the races today who wants to go to

the racetrack and i'm not talking about any old race track i'm talking about the hard Highway Celebrity Race Track, where we don't watch horses run around the track. We get celebrities to run around the track and race for the big prize. We've been having a lot of fun with this. The races are called by our commentator, Charles Parsley, and what do you say? We get right to the races. with our good friend Charles Parsley.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley. Welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. We've got some wonderful races today. We have in one. We have Sean Penn. We've got Pamela Anderson. We've got Eliza Wood.

And in Gate 5, Rosie O'Donnell. Everybody's lined up. It looks like they're getting ready. The horses, the celebrities, I should say, seem a little restless in the Penn today. Seems to be a little of anxiety in the air. And they're getting ready. There they go. They've called it and they're out of the gate.

There they go. Sean Penn is making his way down the track. He's pulling out in front of the others. Pamela Anderson is chiggling up and down like a plate of jello. There goes Eliza Wood who's picking up speed on Sean Penn. Rosie O'Donnell thundering down the track. Her legs splashing mud and dirt up into the stands. And it looks like Sean Penn is...

Hold on. Sean Penn has stopped. It looks like Sean Penn is stopped in front of the crowd. It looks like he's actually standing there and lecturing them about his politics. Yet Sean Penn is standing there and telling people how to live their lives and what they should do and what is right and what is wrong.

And in that moment, Elijah Wood has run past. And here comes Pamela Anderson, making way. Waking way. She's going around the first girl, Pamela Anderson. And look out. She's lost to footing. She's fallen straight down on her face, and oh, she's bounced straight back up. She miraculously landed on her breast, and they popped her right back up.

Pamela Anderson continues down the track. Rosie O'Donnell lumbering after her, and Rosie's run up into the stand. She's at the snack bar. Rosie O'Donnell is at the snack bar. It looks like she has a couple of plates and nachos with cheese sauce, and a couple of slices of pizza, and a gallon and a half of Coca-Cola. Rosie runs back down to the track there's cheese sauce flying everywhere

Pamela Anderson her long delicious legs making a way down the track and it looks like Eliza Wood is cutting out into the lead and Sean Penn has finished being pretentious and he's back in this race here comes Sean Penn

Elijah Wood it looks like Rosie O'Donnell has oh Rosie O'Donnell has just run over Elijah Wood and trampled him he lays in a crumpled heap on the ground covered with nachos and cheese sauce. Here comes Sean Penn.

But wait, here comes Pamela Anderson. It's a finish. It's a photo finish. They're coming to the line. And Pamela Anderson's breasts are getting out in front. Pamela Anderson crosses the finish line.

It looks like Pamela Anderson has won by a nipple. Pamela Anderson. My goodness, what an exciting race. We hope you had a good time here at the Holland Highway racetrack. I'm Charles Parsley. And we'll see you next time at Holland Highway Celebrity Races.

Oh, my gosh. What an exciting race. Can you believe it? Pamela Anderson just squeaked across by a nipple. She beat Sean Penn and poor Elijah Wood. Hold on. Phone is ringing. Hang on.

Let me get this. Hello. Hey, Harlan. Scott from Virginia. Just wanted to give you call and let you know I got laid. Okay. Thanks again for the update, buddy. Wow. I'm glad I know this stuff.

There's all kinds of things that we don't know, that we should know, isn't there? Little things we should know. There's probably things that government knows that we don't know. I'm sure they've got all kinds of little things. You ever think about that, that the government knows about UFOs and secret bunkers and outer space stuff and who, really shot JFK. Ooh, the government doesn't want you to know. Welcome to.

The government doesn't want you to know. The government doesn't want you to know that hockey pucks are really hostess ho-hoes with the little curly-kew vanilla icing scraped off the top. Yes, the government doesn't want you to know that hockey pucks are actually a small compressed chocolate pastry treat be careful the government doesn't want you to know

I mean come on come on now hey come on now hey won't you now hey come on hey Hyland Williams here's something that you might know and I'm sure it's happened to you you've ever have one of those days where you wake up

and it's either the weekend or maybe you have some time off or you lost your job. And you wake up and you, you know, you get up at 8 in the morning and you're like, oh, what a day. Listen to the bird singing. Right? And you're thinking, oh, I got the whole day ahead of me. And what a productive day.

And I'll get up. I'll stay in my jammies. I'll go make a cup of tea or a hot chocolate. And then I'll maybe check my emails. and then I'll get out of my jammies and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to go wash my car

and I'm going to go visit my friends and I'm going to do this and I'm going to do that and you cut to like 10 o'clock at night and you're still in your jammies and you've never left your house and you're like, what the hell where did my day go, man?

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? But you said, what? Yeah, you've done it. You've had one of those days where the day just got away from you. And you feel kind of dirty because it's like you're going, you're still in your jammies. You're like, well, I'm not going to get out of my jammies.

It's 10 o'clock at night. I'm going to bed. But wait a minute, you're in your jammies all day, and they're kind of sweaty and nasty. But it's bedtime, man. So, right? Isn't that weird? You just lollygag around your house.

Maybe you'll watch TV, then you go do some more stuff on your computer, then you go watch more TV, then you go do stuff on your computer, then you go watch more TV, and you know, so on and so on. Oh, those days are just lost moments in time. You know when you're on your deathbed, you're going to go, God, please. I know you want to take me. I know you want to take me right now, but just give me those 12 days back where I did nothing.

I didn't even get out of my jammies. Just let me have those back, please. No, please, no. Please, no. Okay. Yeah, so that, oh, there goes my phone again. Hang on. Hello.

Hey, Harlan, Scott Jones from Virginia. Good morning. I'm sitting in traffic on 95, and I wanted to tell you, I got laid. Okay. Okay, dude, you got laid. Okay, why do I need to know about you getting laid? You know, I give out my phone number so you guys can leave me messages at 323-215-1486. I don't really expect you to call me and tell me about how many times you got laid. I think maybe this guy needs some kind of counseling or therapy or something. and wait a minute oh god speaking of therapy guess what it's friday you know what that means

dr ascot time hey harland williams here and hoo-ha it's friday on the harland highway and if i don't sound entirely thrilled it's because i have to do my weekly on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascot, a job requirement because someone at the top level thinks I have a nut loose. He's here again in studio with me. Hello, Dr. Ascott. Holland. What? I didn't like the way you slowed down my name.

What? So it sounded like ass caught? Holland. What, I'm saying your name? Holland say it faster. I'll say it how I want, Ascot. Holland, it's Dr. Ascott. Whatever. Can we get on with this?

Harland, today I want to regress your mind. What do you mean regress my mind? I want to look into your mind and see if you had a past life so we can deal with the issues that surround the man who is Holland Williams. Oh, come on. of what I was in a past life. Is this necessary, askot? Holland.

Come on, man. I don't have time to go into a past... Holland, I want you to look deep into my eyes. Oh, no. Holland? No. Holland, I will recommend you get a pink slip if you don't proceed. Oh, man.

You always pull out the pink slip thing. Holland. All right, I'm staring in your eyes. Deeper. I'm staring in your eyes. Deeper, Holland. I'm staring as deep as I can. Deeper.

Deeper. Deeper. There it is, Holland. What? There what is? I just saw what you were in your past life, Holland. What are you talking about? Holland, the eyes of the window to the soul.

Oh, gee. Okay, let me ask. was I in my past life? Was I a blacksmith? Was I a carpenter? Was I a carriage man? Was I a doctor? What was I? Was I a Viking?

Holland, you were a baby walrus. What? Holland, I looked into your eyes and saw you eating seaweed and baby shrimp. You were a baby walrus, Arland. Oh, come on, man.

Holland. This is just ridiculous all and I want you to help release your past and make baby walrus noises oh no no no no no no Holland pink slip Holland oh come on baby walrus flapping on the ice flow Holland oh oh good all and really feel it Walrus flopping on the ice hall and roll that blubber all around you, little fatty. Wait, did you just call me a little fatty? Roll around on the ice, you chubby little walrus.

There, enough! Now, I'll do it one more time, and I will pretend I'm a polar bear coming to eat you. What? No! Get out of here! Holland, I'm a big, mean polar bear. Get out of here, Ascot. Rah, don't be afraid of the polar bear, Holland. Get out, you idiot. I'm a polar bear.

I'm coming to get the baby walrus, Ireland. Get out of here, dumbass. I hate Fridays. I know most of you hate Mondays. I hate Fridays with Dr. Ascott. I'm coming to get you, Holland. Get out of here! Harlan Williams

Hello Hey Harlan, Scott Jones in Virginia, just wanted to let you know that I got a blowjob from my wife this morning. Woo-hoo! Okay, Roger. Roger, no more calls from that guy, okay? That's like the fifth call.

The guy's getting dirtier. I don't know what he's doing. He's getting laid, left, right, and center. he's probably full of BS. No more calls from him, okay? Thank you. God. Do you ever meet people like that?

It's the ones that, you know, say they're really good at something or they spout off against something. And you realize that it's just all a cover that they're not good at anything. You know, you meet a guy that says, oh, yeah, man, I used to do boxing. And, you know, I'm a,

fighter and I can really fight and you find out that those guys are the biggest wussies of all you know i'm talking people that just talk up a mean game because they in reality they have nothing you know oh yeah man i get late every night i got all these chicks and then you find out it's all just a bunch of b s oh god starting to wonder about this caller thank god we got rid of him and uh It's Roger. What? Hang on.

Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Okay, good. Yes, let's take a fresh caller. This is what I've been waiting for. Hey, Harlan. Scott Jones from Virginia, snowed in on a Saturday morning or afternoon. Anyway, what do you do on a Saturday morning? You make sweet, sweet love to your wife.

Yep, I got late again. Woo-hoo. See ya. Come on. What the hell? Roger! Come on, man. You don't have to yell at me to your stupid show.

Oh, my God. It's not going to be anybody's show if we keep getting this. If someone has a real message they want to leave me, you can call it 323-215-1486. And I tell you what, I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see who was going to foamy, man. So I won't have to deal with guys telling me about they're getting their jollies off.

Having a holly jolly Christmas all over the podcast airwaves here. Roger, give me a Ouija board, man. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, welcome back to the Harland Highway, and this is your host, Harland Williams, and we try to be open-minded here at the Harland Highway. Someone suggested on the staff here that we have a spiritual counselor come in, which is something new to me. We thought it would be fun.

We have her with us today. Megan Meeker is here. Hi, Megan. Hi, how are you? Good. Before we get going, tell us a bit about what it is you do. do spiritual counseling. Yes, exactly, Harlan.

Well, what we do, go into your spirit. And I try to bring it out and let it be free. Let it float. Just ride at a very good level. Okay. And how do we do that, Megan? Well, let's start by lighting some candles. Okay.

Here I have some candles. Okay, one, two, three, four. Don't count the candles. Just watch the flames as I light them. Okay, but there's a lot of can... You're still pulling out candles. Just watch as I light the flames. Uh, okay, Megan, there's like 75 candles here.

That's right, here we go. Help me light them. Okay, uh... Okay. It's actually getting really hot in here. That's okay. Sweat is part of your spirit coming out of your soul. Okay, I don't know if I want my soul to come out.

I mean... Please don't argue. You're creating bad energy. Okay, look, you're getting almost into the occult here now. Are you accusing me of being a witch? No, I'm just saying, you know, my spirit flowing is one thing, but you're talking about my soul seeping through my pores. That's what I'm talking about.

Just shut up and let it flow. Okay, that sounded angry to me. Just light the candles, bitch. I don't know if I like your tone. I don't you light some more candles, bitch. Okay. Come on All right, here we go

Let's... Uh-oh, what's that sound? Okay, it's... Way to go. Okay, you've set off the smoke alarm. There's too much heat in here. It's like 300 degrees. You've lit all these...

Oh, great. The sprinklers are coming on. The sprinklers are like the waters of your spirit. Oh, you idiot. Somebody get these sprinklers shut out. This was a bad idea. Nothing's a bad idea, bitch. Get her out.

Oh, man. This is a weird show today. They're just weird people coming by and weird phone calls and just weird, all kinds of weirdness here. God, I got a, I got a witch, some kind of witch lady calling me a bitch. I got some guy calling me to tell me he got laid. What the hell's going on around here, man? um can anyone just phone me and get it right can anyone just friggin call me and have their act together today what there's a there's a call coming through it's there's another call coming through okay and

it's roger listen to me it's not that guy right okay this caller has their act together okay good That's all I wanted to hear Great Put them through Hey Harlan Nice to see Man can I race this Is there anyway

I messed up I don't like a machine Roger What the hell Sorry Not really dude what what is wrong with you today roger are you on something man i don't what is wrong with you oh welcome back we just had a segment earlier where we had a spiritual advisor in here and she pretty

much burnt the place down just about lighting candles and the smoke alarm went off and the automatic sprinklers drenched everything i didn't think we'd ever see her back but my producer are like great ratings great radio hey stuff like that gets people's attention so now she's back here against my better judgment Megan meeker spiritual counselor hello Harlan yeah hello now what harland I have a Ouija board a Ouija board yes we're gonna see if your studio is haunted oh come on man harland that's bad energy Okay, what do we got to do? I pull out the Ouija board, and we ask it a question.

Okay, can I ask it how long till you get out of here? Bad energy, bitch. Stop with the bitch word. Ask it a question, Harland. Okay, is my studio haunted? Well, let's see, let's both put our hands on the Ouija board. Oh, do I have to touch you? Touch me, bitch.

Oh, come on. Look, it's moving around, Harland. I can swear you're pushing it with your hand. No, that's energy, Harland. That's spiritual energy. Yeah, right. And if you took your hand off it, I bet it would stop moving. Shut your pie hole, bitch.

Okay, you know what? Look, Harlan, it says yes. Yes, your studio is haunted. And it's saying that there's a ghost in here right now. Look. Okay, what was that sound? I don't know. No, I know what...

You just farted. No, I didn't. I heard it. It was a ghost. What are you talking about? That was a spiritual ghost, Harlan. No, you... Ew, that smells like rice cakes and yogurt.

Oh, my God. It must be a, uh, a vegan ghost. Wait a minute. What do you eat all day? Rice cakes and yogurt. Oh, come on, man. You farted in my studio and you're trying to pass it off as a ghost. Shut up, bitch.

Okay, out of here. You're a freak. Harland, your place is haunted. Yeah, it's haunted with your rice cake farts. Out. Unreal. First she sets off the alarm. Now she's farting rice cake oil.

Gross. Harlan, bad energy. Yeah, you're bad energy. Oh, get out of here. Okay, maybe I was a little... rough on Megan, whatever her name was. But I didn't like the way she was calling me bitch. But maybe she might have had a point about the whole fart ghost thing.

I mean, think about it. Ghosts are like these translucent kind of wispy things that float around in mid-air. And I guess if you could colorize a fart, it would probably be the same thing. Just a little like floating gaseous cloud, you know. and, you know, ghosts go boo, and farts go, so, you know, maybe, I don't know. Yeah, it's a dumb theory, but can you explain what a ghost is? And enough people claim they've seen them,

and God knows everybody farts everywhere. Maybe they're butt ghosts, little ass raisins floating around. Boo, boop. God knows we've all gone into a public restroom or, you know, into the bathroom after Uncle Joe at Thanksgiving and there's like a haunted ghost fart lingering in the bathroom. And don't tell me you're not terrified, man. I'd tell you what, I'd rather meet like seven ghosts coming out of graves in a graveyard than walk into one of Uncle Larry's Thanksgiving dinner haunted fart clouds. What the hell am I talking about? This is the weirdest podcast.

It's just been off right from the beginning with that guy calling in. Then the spiritual advisor and what the hell's going on. Can I get to something that's maybe real that's normal here? Can I do that? Let me tell you about what's going on with my stand-up. So maybe you can, we can all get out of weird zone and get back to the real world. Okay, this is, this is the deal, you know, this weekend, okay?

February 25th through 28th, you can catch the kid at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco. What a great city, beautiful city. You can catch me there, kicking at G-style in Sam Fran. And then, as I've been telling you, this is big. April 2nd and 3rd, we're doing the April Fool show. April 2nd will be in Anderson, Indiana, just outside of Indianapolis, at the Paramount Theater. And April 3rd will be at the Southern Theater in downtown Columbus, Ohio.

the April Fool's comedy show. We're going to be doing stand-up comedy, followed by some Whose Line Is It Anyway, improv-style sketch comedy. So come on out. If you can't make it, call your friends that live in that neck of the woods, and please alert them because it's going to be a great show. You can get tickets and information on my website, harlunwilums.com. And please, folks, phone me, leave me some messages.

Something I can work with, you know, at 323, 215, 1486. The number's also on the website. You've got to be able to do better than this guy from Virginia who's getting laid by his wife, supposedly. Okay? Oh, so I guess I'm going to go get the Ouija board and light some candles and go get some rice cakes and yogurt and see if I can scare myself.

into a better podcast next time. I don't know. But it was great to have you. As you know, Daddy loves you, and I'm, you know, symbolically making myself daddy and you're all my kids. Okay, it just got creepier. There, the podcast just got weirder.

I thought we were kind of out of it. Everything would be, and then I just anointed myself your daddy. What is going on? Is this Friday the 13th? What is it? Either way, I hope you had fun. I did. Come see me at Cobbs, February 25th through 28th, San Francisco, great comedy club.

And until next time, my friends, until next time, I passionately say to you, chicken chau-main, baby. From me, Harlan Williams, here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Harlan, Scott Jones from Virginia. I got laid. Woo-hoo!