The Harland Highway - Podcast 79

Episode Date: March 1, 2010

Yawning, laughing, driving, and Celebrity races! What a tasty tootsie roll! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Freakoli. How are you, my friends, my gringos? How are you today? Are you having fun? Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Yeah, it's me, Harlan Williams. How are you? Welcome.

Welcome to the show. We got some groove-alicious stuff lined up for you today. And don't go yawning on me. Don't. If you're yawning right now, don't, because that's one of the big topics today. We're going to be talking about yawning and the proper etiquette with yawning. We're going to be talking about laughing, which is kind of like yawning. Your mouth is wide open. We're going to be talking about annoying driving habits, and you all have them.

And then lastly, we're going to the celebrity races today. So put your helmets on. Let's go riding right down the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Okay. To start the show. show off today, I want you to listen to this noise, okay? Just listen to this sound, and then we'll go from there, all right? Check this sound out. Did you hear it? It's like a hollow, like a drone, like a, like a vacuous cave, an empty space just full of air, like a suction hole. Yeah, well, that's what I imagine when I see people out in public,

and mostly I got to say the ladies, and I'll tell you why in a second, but that's what happens when you're walking through the airport or you're walking through the mall, or you're walking somewhere, you're at a party, anywhere where there's people, someone just opens their mouth with the biggest, longest yawn you've ever seen. scene like you can see their fillings you can see their molars you can see their wisdom teeth you can see their epiglottis you can if you look deep enough if they yawned wide enough you can see right down into their stomach and what they ate oh it's just horrific it is horrific it's a horrific whining horrible

God, do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever seen it? And here's where it comes in for the ladies. And maybe if you're a woman, it works exactly the same way for you with a man. But I remember I was in line at the airport, waiting to go through the baggage check-through thing. And this gorgeous brunette, almost close to a Cindy Crawford was standing in front of me, man.

and it was one of those girls you just couldn't keep your eye off or she had the tight sweater and the tight jeans and the heels and the long brown hair and the exotic look and just really sexy and beautiful in a classical classy way and you know what guy doesn't think wow i wonder what it would be like to you know be with her to kiss her or you know whatever you know it's not uncommon for be to think those things and uh you know I was probably in close proximity for about like six minutes because you know those damn security lines so we're walking through we get to the other side and you got to stop and put your shoes on and repack your belongings and your little bag and I just happened to look up and there she was and I was like God is she pretty and then all of a sudden she did it she she did that long, giant

morning yawn. And here's the thing. She didn't cover her mouth. This classy, beautiful Cindy Crawford look-alike. Just, I was waiting for bats to fly out of her mouth.

I was almost waiting for a prehistoric cave bear to start rushing me. You know, I'm like, oh my God, I wish I had a spear right now or a fish net to catch the bats or something. And it's like, it wouldn't have been so bad if she just covered her mouth with her beautifully manicured hands and her painted nails. And it just would have been, oh, cute.

Look at her, oh, pretty girl, yawning, so tired. Oh, cute. Cinnamon kit. But instead, it looked like a giant, you know how great white sharks and whales come speeding up from the deep they target like a school of fish on the surface of the water or a seal

and they just torpedo from the depths of the ocean and their mouths are like gaping open so they can make sure they ingest as much possible food as they can and here's this beautiful girl all of a sudden she's like

it's like a slow motion scream in a movie and her teeth and her eyes are watering and her mouth is stretched. It's almost looks like someone stuffed in an invisible baseball. Like, you don't even believe people can yawn that much. It's almost like those anacondas or the pythons in the tropical rainforest. You know, they actually have to dislocate their jaws to swallow prey that's triple their size.

Like an anaconda will actually dislocate its jaw to engulf. golf like a gazelle or a peckery or a, you know, some kind of giant hoofed mammal with horns and antlers. And their mouth will open. It's just enormous. And then they'll swallow this thing. Oh, and I was like, oh, my God. Like, when they look right at you and they're yawning, that gaping chasm,

like the bat cave, you're waiting for the... You know, you're waiting for the Batmobile to come flying out. You're even worse, you're afraid you're going to get sucked in like they're creating a vortex. Their mouth is open so wide. It's just like, you know, you're going to get pulled in. Like, you know, when there's a, you're in an airplane and someone punctures the fuselage or a window blows out or a hole emerges in the side of the airplane and the air pressure and everyone gets, sucked out of the airplane.

That's what it feels like. This gorgeous 10 out of 10 girl went in an instant from 10 out of 10 to like, danger, danger, warning, warning, you're about to be sucked into a black hole. Warning, warning. It's just disgusting. I'd rather hear a chick fart. Then watch her just open her mouth like she's about to eat a diner. God. And so there you go, girls. Just cover your mouths, man. Is it that hard?

And ladies, like I said, I'm sure you feel the same way. You turn around and there's some hot dude and and their lips like, they're yawning so hard, their lips stretch right up over their gums and over their teeth. and you can see right up into the top of their gum line. Oh, God. So simple manners 101, cover your mouth, but don't cover your ears because you're here on the Harland Highway. We all love to laugh. That's probably why you listen to this show.

You'd like to laugh. But I got to tell you, ladies, there's one place you shouldn't laugh. Just don't laugh during. sex okay i know it's cutesy and maybe you think it's fun and it's giggly and but you know what it's just a mood killer you know sex is intense sex is serious you're doing your thing and all of a sudden you know we got our eyes shut and we're like oh man yeah then all of a sudden we hear Like, what the hell was that?

Nothing. I'm just having fun. Well, don't be having fun. Just do your business and make that your fun. But it's fun. I'm so happy to be with you. And I just love rolling around. Stop it. Okay. Well, tell us some.

jokes when we're done i'll give you some knock knock jokes we can do an old eddie murphy routine i can do some charades whatever you want we'll have a big old giggle but when we're in the middle of the action you don't need to be laughing okay let's turn the table here let's say the dude's doing the work okay he's giving you all the pleasure And right in the middle of it, we're like, Hey, that's a good one. Okay. Be a little disconcerting, won't it, ladies?

You'd be like, what the hell is so funny? Is there something wrong with me? So just keep it intense. Keep it focused. And keep it sexy. and keep it on the dial right here at the oh-so-sexy Harland Highway. I got to say, though, man, okay,

some of the best laughing ever in your whole life is probably laughing when you know you're not allowed to laugh or you're not supposed to laugh. And I know you can all think of a moment. It's like to give you an example, whenever you watch those blooper shows, you'll always see the newscasters. They're not allowed to be laughing. They're delivering the news, but there's always a blooper where one of them just something gets said

or they see something that just hits them the wrong way and they lose it. And you'd think, okay, I'm on TV, I'm broadcasting live, I'll get this giggle out and be on with it. But there's something about human nature. There's something about being. a human that when the laugh is forbidden, when we know we're going to get chastised for it, when we know we're not supposed to do it, it just gets worse. It just gets worse and intensifies. And I remember driving home once with my aunt and my uncle and me and my cousin were sitting in the back, me and my cousin Chris. And we started like, you know, we were just

giggling and I was like, yeah, whatever. And then all of a sudden, my aunt turned around. She If you guys laugh once more, I'm pulling over this car and you're walking home and I'm going to beat you and I'm going to throw you in front of an 18 wheeler and I'm going to stomp on your head to your eyes pop out. Well, it wasn't that bad, but you know, you get the drift. It was very threatening and we just couldn't stop laughing, man. We were like wheezing. You know that wheezing?

And when you're not allowed to laugh, you keep it in, you try to make it a silent laugh. so you're like kind of you know that wheezing like almost like a heart attack laugh and somehow it just intensifies you need to laugh and it's the best feeling in the world when you know you're not supposed to laugh it's like maybe you see someone trip or maybe someone says something or you're sitting with someone and maybe they said something and it's particularly funny but you found it funny or they're like kind of a living character you ever meet people like that like just the way they talk and the way they are somehow they set you off and you don't want to laugh because you know they'll catch you laughing

at them and it'll be insulting i remember what i was working as a as a lumberjack way back in the day we had a we had a big mess hall and we'd all sit together and me and a couple of the other foremen were sitting with this new foreman that showed up. And this guy was like a local yokel. Like, you know, we were the guys that came up from the city and we took the training courses and the safety programs and we had to take the St. John's first aid ambulance course and we had to know how to save lives and dress wounds and cut down trees and wear our helmets and our goggles and steel-toed boots.

And, you know, we had to do it all. You know, that whole overprotective, politically correct kind of protocol, right? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So I guess they were short staff, so they hired some guy

just from the local small town and we were up in the middle of nowhere and this guy shows up at our lumber camp he's wearing I'm not kidding a Hawaiian shirt shorts like not not the track and field shorts but just like old man type of shorts you know like khaki shorts and he's got

Birkenstock sandals on no socks bare feet probably the least safest shoe for doing brushwork or working in construction. I mean, do you imagine a construction worker wearing Birkenstocks? The guy had the gold chains and he had the hair from the 70s and he was a little overweight and we're out there working in the field with this guy and I guess he didn't get the memo.

And because he was such a local yokel, I guess the guys, you know, running the camp with me didn't want to say anything to him. So here's this guy running a chair. saw, running through the bush, chopping up trees, stepping over like dangerous rocks and pointy branches, and who knows what else, in his Magnum P.I. Hawaii shirt and his sandals. And when we went down and had lunch, we all get to the mess hall, and we're all sitting there. And he sits with us, and he just starts talking. He's like, oh, Jesus Christ, it's hot out there today, eh?

Oh, and he kept saying, Jesus Christ, hey? And at first, all the me and the other, like, four foremen started looking at each other, like, did he just do that? Did he just say that? He's like, oh, Jesus Christ, I dropped a big tree today, Jesus Christ, eh? And we just started laughing, and then when we looked at each other, we'd laugh harder, and he kind of didn't catch. on to the way we were laughing and he just kept going and talking and we were buckled over crying we couldn't eat we couldn't move i think we had to leave the table and he's just sitting there totally oblivious doesn't know what we're laughing at and it's him and we're trying not to be rude

but i don't know i'm going on and on about it but uh maybe i should get back to some comedy so you can actually start laughing yourselves instead of me talking about it but i don't know i'm going on and on about it but uh maybe i should get back to some comedy so you can actually start laughing yourselves instead of me talking about it. Thank you very much. But anyways, those are some of the best laughs in the world. Right there, right now, right here. Jesus Christ, Harland. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, this is Harlan Williams here with you. And we try to bring you a lot of comedy here on the Harland Highway, which is not. Nice. It's always good to laugh. You know, you know the old saying, laughter is the best medicine? You've all heard that. Laughter is the best medicine. And so, feeling that I had a little humor to offer to people in the world,

hoping, beyond a wildest hope that I'm making you laugh, I took the old laughter is the best medicine thing to heart. And I went over to a hospital the other day, and I go in and I find the floor with the sickest people I could find and I go in and I start laughing at them

and I don't know it doesn't look like they're getting any better to me this whole laughter is the best medicine thing I don't think it really works they actually look pissed off you know I'm there doing my thing trying to help out You know, this is all charity.

I just walked in and started laughing at them. And not only were they not getting any better, their little heart beepers started going crazy. Like, be, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I think a few of them might have flatlined. And then, you know, I take time out of my day to go and try and heal the sick. And I'm standing there pointing and laughing.

And, like, the administration, the nurses and the doctors come and, like, throw my ass out on the sick. sidewalk. So, so much for doing charity. I try to be a giver. I try to give back to the community. What do I get? I'm on my ass in front of St. Mary's of our Lord Hospital with a big cut in my forehead. Now I'm going in to get fixed up. It's a vicious circle laughter is the best medicine. Don't believe it, but keep on laughing right here on the Harland Highway. Okay, and here's something that isn't funny. In fact, here's something that makes my stomach turn.

You ever have this happen, you're driving along, you know, you're on your way to a meeting or you're going to the store or something, everything's normal, and you look in your rearview mirror as you're stopped at a light, and the car stopped behind you, there's some nerd in there who looks like they're having a rave. Right? They got their tunes on, their radio, and they're singing along, and they're bopping their head. And I saw a guy the other day actually clapping, taking his hands off the wheel, clapping. And he's just singing and bobbing, and you can't hear the music. You can't hear the lyrics. All you see is this nerd, like, lip-syncing to nothing. You know, and you know what the worst part of it is? I'm guilty. I've done it. Okay.

Here's the catch. It feels great when you're the one doing it. You're like happy to be alive. You just fell in love. You just got a job. You just won the lottery. You're bopping away to your favorite tunes. Yay.

Ba-ba-ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da-de-de. You know, you're bobbing your head. You're kind of pointing with your fingers. You're doing the air drums. Right? You're clapping. You're doing the snake. whatever you have to do.

But remember, as much fun as you're having, remember that the person that happens to look over or pull up beside you or see you in the rearview mirror thinks you are the biggest dip-wad nerd loser ever born, man. It just looks really stupid and annoying. And then part of you might even be like, well, why is that person having so much fun when I'm having such a crap day? Where does that person get off rocking and rolling when I just got fired or I just had a crappy day of work? What the hell is it?

What kind of news did that guy get? How dare that guy have a better life than me, man? Are you kidding me? What's up? Yeah, just one of those little quirky things. that, you know, kind of crabby and cranky here. Maybe I should do some clapping and get in a better mood, yeah? Okay, here we go.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you give it away. Yeah, nothing like Wham singing Christmas carols to get me in a good mood. This year, to save me from tears, I give it that time. I'm much better. Last Christmas, I go to my heart. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, quills. Good Lord.

Just drive. You're going to have so much fun. Pull over and invite me into your car so I can at least, you know, play along. Right? So at least I can play along. And speaking of playing along, man, what a great day. I think to go to the celebrity race. Is you ready? Let's go.

Guess what Daddy's going to do for you today? Daddy's taking you on a special trip, boys and girls. Yeah, that's right. We are going on a special trip. I thought as a little treat, Daddy, me, Harlan Williams, would take you out back to the Harlan Williams Celebrity Racetrack where we race the rich and the famous around and around, on that racetrack and we've just seen some incredible races it can't be more exciting and uh we're

going to go out there today and uh you are allowed to bet you are allowed to wager you never know who's going to cross that finish line first so let's get down there right away with our uh track side announcer mr charles parsley here at the harland highway celebrity racetrack Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, Charles Parsley here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Racetrack. As we prepare for another wonderful day of racing. In lane one, we have Jack Nicholson in lane two, O.J. Simpson. In lane three, Prince, pop star Prince, and in lane four, singer Karen Carpenter. And the celebrities are settling in.

Jack Nicholson looks a bit restless. He's snorting. He's jumping up and down, and when I say snorting, he's snorting cocaine. It looks like cocaine, and Jack Nicholson is shot out of the gate. He's amped up on something. He seems to be leaps and bounds ahead of the other celebrities. He's really cranked up. But wait, suddenly he starts twirling around in circles

with that devilish grin on his face, throwing his arms in the air, as if he's in another world, and O.J. Simpson takes the opportunity to pass him. His arthritic knees banging together, his crinkled fingers. as he runs down the track and here comes Prince Prince is making headway Prince running almost skipping and galloping as he goes

and Prince suddenly stops Prince has stopped and he's applying eyeliner to his face he's looking at the reflection in somebody's sunglasses and he's applying eyeliner and lip balm to his face

and Karen Coppenter's having a tough time there's a slight three mile an hour breeze out there the frail Karen Coppenter charging against the wind but Kent seemed to be going. It's almost as if she's standing still, her legs moving, but she can't get any momentum. And there goes Jack Nicholson. He's doing figure eights now, and he's jumping up and down. He's throwing dirt in the air from the track and letting it land on his face as if he's playing in a snowfall. And O.J. Simpson making his way, trotting vigorously,

popping and popping, obviously, dropping on his former athletic ability from his football years. And Prince has now fixed his hair He's fixed his hair He's got some hairspray And Prince is back in the race He's running down the track He's running down the track And Karen Coppenter has started to move

Karen Coppenter but wait A Snickers bar rapper is blowing onto the track The Snickers bar rapper It's hit Karen Coppenter and bowled her raid over It's knocked Karen Coppenter on her ass It's down to Prince and Jack Nicholson OJ Simpson, Prince and Jack Nicholson The neck and neck

Jack Nicholson grinning Here they come to the finish line OJ pulls out a knife He stabs Nicholson who doesn't seem to feel it And he ripsed princes thrown out with a knife It looks like it's Jack Nichol You know it's OJ Simpson OJ Simpson

In a most illegal victory Has murdered the other celebrities It's OJ Simpson And Karen Carpenter has blown away She's gone off in the distance with the clouds I'm Charles Parsley We hope you enjoyed the razor Oh, what a race, what a race, what a race.

Nicholson cranked up on something, and poor Karen Carpenter blew away, and Prince got his pretty little throat cut by O.J. Man, neck and neck. And when I say neck and neck, those are what OJ slashed of two of the other racers, a neck and a neck. And speaking of necking, I hope I catch you necking in the back row at one of my upcoming comedy gigs. Let me tell you about it here, folks. If you want to see me live, Harlan Williams, doing stand-up live, I am going to be in Washington, D.C., Thursday, March 11th through March 14th. Incredible club. Tickets go fast. Last time I was there, it just sold right out.

So get your tickets soon. if you don't live there, tell someone who lives up there to go see the kid. Don't deprive them of laughs. And then, as you know, in April, April 2nd, I will be at a gorgeous theater, the Paramount Theater in Anderson, Indiana, April 2nd doing stand-up and improv sketch comedy. And then April 3rd at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio, another stunning theater. Same thing, stand-up and whose line is it? anyway style comedy so call in get your tickets go to harland williams.com click on my stand-up

schedule and from there you can get all the glorious information and a little more information if you want to call me and leave a message or a comment or a criticism or a compliment whatever you can read me a little poem if you want I don't care do an impression sing something It's up to you. 323-215-1486. The numbers there at harlwiliams.com. Love to hear what's on your mind. And if I like it, I put it on the show.

Keep your letters coming. Keep your babies coming. Keep coming and coming and coming. And that just got really dirty. And ignore that last part, unless you have sex while you listen to my podcast. and then keep coming and coming and coming and why did it have to get dirty right at the end well that's it for today I do appreciate you joining me such a treat so good to have you here

and as always until next time my friends chicken chow main baby you put the boom boom into my heart You make the sunshine bright like adorius day. Oh, no, look out, look at it.