The Harland Highway - Podcast 80

Episode Date: March 3, 2010

Today we get phone messages from stoners, we talk killer whale attacks, food and general bad eating habits. Put your bib on Nelly! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you, do, feel like I do, Scooby-Doo. Roy? Oh, sorry, Scoob. Right, okay. Hey, hey, everybody, I'm Harlan Williams. You are on my podcast, known as the Harlan Highway. Unbelievable to have you here. What a treat, what a treat, what a treat, what a tasty, tasty treat player.

Um, interesting show today. Today we are taking some phone calls from some of, shall we say, my stoner style listeners. Some of the people that listen to the podcast maybe have a habit. Maybe like to smoke at a ganja man. Maybe they like to spark the rifa. Have a talk of the smoke bloke. You know what I'm saying? And, you know, with being stone inevitably comes the munchy. So we're going to be talking about food and food delivery, which we all love and hate at the same time, because sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. We're going to be talking about that killer whale attack that went down at SeaWorld. Somebody got killed by Shamu or somebody.

We're going to be talking about how whales eat. and consequently how humans eat and then back to whales and then back to humans we're going to be talking about your eating habits and the noises you make and the way you eat and we're going to talk about seafood

which is some of the weirdest food you can get it's all here it's all food for the mind right here at the buffet I call the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely

The Harlan Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Mopspin and I'm your friend Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Hey, hey, hey, welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. So glad you could join me here today. And I want to start off today's show, just so you people know that your phone calls are getting through and that I do listen to them. I always ask you to call me at my hotline, 323, 215, 1486 and leave me messages. And I think it's fair to say. that maybe a fair number of stoners listen to the show, a fair number of permanently baked people, including myself, thank you.

And I say we get right to some of their phone calls and listen to what's on their minds here on the Harlan Highway. Hey, Arlen, what's up, man? You rule. did you know that Walter Travis shot a neighbor I just thought you might want to goets make me angry

wow I had no idea that Walter Travis shot a neighbor oh my God this is newsworthy man We better get Tom Brokai in here to announce this to the world. Good evening. Breaking news here at the Harland Highway. I'm Tom Brokaw. Turns out Walter Travis just shot a neighbor. I'll see you tomorrow night. So this just in, more breaking news. Goats will make me angry.

I'm Tom Brokaw. I'll see you in a lot of night. Wow. Okay. Unreal. Glad we know that. Now, here's a message from a guy. I did a bit a while back where I had a game of a Russian

roulette with Mickey Mouse, and some guy baked out on Honolulu Gold called in and probably did the worst Mickey Mouse impression I've ever heard, but it was so bad, so horrible, and so wrong that it made me laugh. Check it out. Yeah, that's not really funny saying I'm dead. Yeah, so on behalf of me, Mickey Mouse and all the he-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. Go fuck yourself now. What a doorknobb, man. Is that not the most lack of days-of-days-old Mickey Mouse impression effort ever?

It's like Mickey Mouse on OxyCotten, man. Good Lord. What a nut job. Well, let's see who else we got on here that's totally burnt out of their mind. Hey, Harlan, this is Brandon again. Yeah, that's pretty cool that you played my shit on your show. Last show. But anyways, I got something funny to tell you.

I was at school today And There's this chick Whenever you walk Whenever you walk up to her You look at her She All I think of is fucking

Just turkey She reminds me of a fucking turkey I'm serious But yeah It's pretty fucking funny So Just tell me what you think of that And

I'd like to hear it on your show peace okay you want to know what I think I think if you are walking around and people start looking like turkeys to you like full on like ready to eat plucked turkeys

your eye or the wily coyote from the roadrunner cartoons because he always used to envision the roadrunner as a big turkey or you've clearly got the munchies and you're stoned out of your head. But what I really think is that I think something miraculous has happened here on the Harland Highway. I think, sir, we have located your son, the guy that phoned in earlier, just based on your laughs,

I'm almost positive if we could get your DNA together, you would find out that this guy that called in ahead of you is your son. And just, since we can't get the DNA, let's check your laughs, okay? So here's your laugh, sir. Okay, and now here's the laugh of the kid that called in earlier, who I believe is probably your son. Imagine the two of you reunited, doing father and son things together. Hey, son, you want to go play catch with your old man? Hi, Dad, will you, like, read me a story, man?

Sure, dude. Once upon a time. There was a fairy princess that, like, turned into a turkey man. And then she went, like, to the magic barnyard, and she met Mr. Billy Goat. Goats make me angry. Whoa, sorry, little dude. And this could go on forever. I mean, you know, this guy and his new kid are just zonked out of the brain. So I'm glad you guys called in.

Glad I'm bringing families together here on the Harland Highway. Oh, listen to that. You hear that ticking noise? Sounds like you're in a haunted house. And the hollow hallways. There's an old grandfather clock. ticking, echoing. It's getting louder and louder and louder. And you know why you're hearing that clock ticking like that? You know why? Because you just ordered some food. You ordered some

delivery. You've been starving and you didn't want to cook. You wanted to come home and just take it easy and relax and have some warm, delicious food brought right to your front door. And you ordered an hour and a half ago they told you it would be there in 30 minutes 40 max and they're late and all you can hear is that clock ticking where's my food tick talk talk every second It's making your stomach growl And get tighter And tighter And there it is

You don't care anymore There's your food Yay And just like that Nothing matters anymore You're gonna gobble that stuff down Like a werewolf eating through a pack full of British housewives Happy eating people

It's time To munch here from the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what

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some dummy yeah i'm going to say dummy got killed by a killer whale one of one of these uh killer whale shows at the uh at one of these aquariums you know the things where they they take a giant whale out of the vast, endless blue sea and transported into something the equivalent of a bathtub to a human being, right? They get this damn giant mammal swimming around in circles and a little puddle made out of concrete.

And every now and then the thing jumps up and, you know, grabs a ball or gives someone a kiss so what happens is these people jump in the water and uh guess what you're jumping in the water with just look at the name okay killer whale its first name is killer you're jumping in the water with a killer is it any surprise you got killed there's a reason they're called killer you wouldn't go on match.com and go, let's see, Paul Smith, David Walters, Larry Jones, oh wait, this guy looks interesting. Murder McGee. I think I'll go out with this guy. Murder McGee looks like a winner. That's the guy I'll date. You see what I'm saying here? It's all in

the name. It's all in the title. If your name has the word killer or murder or slash You know, Slasher McGillicuddy, Freddie Krueger, disembowel Jackson, draw and quarter, Walters, throat slash O'Reilly, any name like that, big red flag, okay? stay away so for all you um you know marine biologists and ichtologists and anyone who wants to venture into the water with a man-eater again there's another title if the word man-eater is involved in the title there's a hint these are subtle hints that you might get eaten if killer the word Killer wasn't enough for you. How about man-eater?

Does that not... I mean, you can use both of those. The killer whale is a man-eater. Two giant clues there, sunshine. Okay? How about we finish it off? The killer whale is a man-eater who likes to eat people

who jump into his bathtub dressed in shiny black, licorish-looking wetsuit. All right? Likes to kill a thing that looks like natural prey, a dark-skinned seal. Yeah, Bill, just put this shiny, wet, black wetsuit on. And just jump right in there with the killer whale man-eater. Well, I think I look a lot like a seal.

That's okay. They're used to seals. That's what makes them comfortable. Yeah, but don't they eat seals, too? Oh, that's just, don't worry about that. That's a sidebar thing. Don't, let's not get into the details, shall we? Oh, okay.

Oh, by the way, here's a bucket of fish. So it attracts the man-eater killer whale to you even more. Uh, isn't that going to kind of get them into a feeding frenzy type of situation? Like I said, let's not beat around the bush with the details. Do you mind if I wrap some bacon around your legs, too? Um, is that, is that a union rule? So there you go. I'm sorry that the guy or girl, whoever it was, died.

But come on, man. You know? It's like if you're a road worker, you don't stand on the road in the middle of the night with that little stop-and-go sign. You wait to the sunshine and you put the red vest on, the bright yellow helmet, you make sure everyone can see you. You don't jump out of the airplane without a parachute and you don't drive down the Harland Highway without your seatbelt on. That's just madness! Crazy talk! Okay Be safe

Stay out of the water Because I don't want you to meet up With Killer the Whale My friends Boob Boom boom Bha

Yo, it's Harlan Williams Here on the Harland Highway And I'm sure every now and then You pull off and go to a restaurant But have you ever Uh seen a menu that offers whale burgers Okay I don't know

restaurant it is, but I just read this in the news. Some dumbass restaurant is going to start offering whale burgers, man. How does that work? Does that like when you get a lobster and the waiter brings a lobster to your table, flapping around? What do you get, like, 40 guys in yellow fisherman raincoats, drag a whale to your table? Excuse me, thereby. How does your whale look? Well, let me see it. Ooh, the blowhole looks fresh. I'll take it. Make sure you do it over easy, if you know what I mean. Hello. Good Lord.

That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? Let's put some endangered species on the menu. Yes, waiter, this whale, this beluga is just delicious. Yeah. Can I get some great ock, some passenger pigeon, and a Siberian tiger side salad, please? What's that? Oh, yes, I love some black rhino crunchy fingers. Yes, I know there's only seven left in the world. That's what makes me want them all the more. Come on, man. Serving up whale?

And aren't Americans fat enough? Now we're going to start eating whale? Waiter, could I have some more blubber on this whale? it back to the kitchen. There's just not enough blubber. Yeah, but there's a bunch of fat. Oh, I'm not into fat anymore. I eat blubber. I'm American. How are my children supposed to get as big as whales

if you don't bring a blubbery whale? And by the way, do you have any more that sperm whale? Oh, no! Well, I guess it's karma, right? Whale eats man, man eats whale, whale eats

woman, woman eats whale, and it's just a vicious circle of blubber and flubber and landlubber and water lubber. But, you know, everything's got to eat. And, you know, the whale's probably just doing his thing. I wonder if they have to put the whales to sleep when they attack. When whales attack, I wonder if they have to, you know, do what they do with pit bulls.

You know, when a pit bullet attacks, she's like, oh, Nibit Jr., got to put him to sleep. Right? Oh, Shamu bit Lucy. Oh, how bad did Shamu bite Lucy? Well, basically ate her. Oh, will we have to put her to sleep? I think we might.

The only thing about whales and humans that's kind of similar. are outside as some of us get pretty big. Some of us eat like whales, don't we? Right? I think you know what I mean. The noises people make when they eat? Yeah, I think you know what I'm talking about, you noisy eaters.

Bonjour, this is Holland Williams, and welcome to the Holland Highway. Yeah, baby. How about that little accent, huh? Do you think you were at a fancy seafood restaurant or something, man? Huh, not likely. You're here on the Harland Highway, or it's extra tasty. Seafood's weird, isn't it?

I mean, you know, it's not like a cow or a sheep or a pig, you know, a four-hoofed animal. You know, with basically the same body structure. They just vary in size. You go for seafood, man. You're getting like shrimps and scallops and sea urchins. and lobsters and crabs. I mean, these things look like you're eating something out of a Japanese monster movie.

Hi, what can we get you tonight? Let's see. I'll have a nice plate of... Ah, Godzilla! Wah, Godzilla! Scallops? It's the meat out of a shell, muscles. How about the people that suck oyster?

Good God Just don't do that in front of me Sucking an oyster Oh I'll have the Come up the oysters on the half shell Really? Why don't you just Open this Kleenex for you that I just used Will that speed up the process

Here Clean up this Kleenex There's your oyster on the half shell Man don't suck that crap in front of me We got things with antennas and nine legs, like eating giant underwater spiders, an octopus? Who the hell eats an octopus, man?

That calomari crap? Yeah, that's what I want to eat. Something with a suction cup on its leg. So it can grab onto my throat on the way down and choke me to nap. And then you always get the idiots that open their mouth with her eating. You go, look, seafood. You want to see some seafood? Ah, seafood.

Yeah, that's when you shove a sea urchin down their throat and shut them up for good. Ah, no way, I won't do it, man. I won't do it. When I go for sushi, I cannot get the weird stuff, man. I cannot get the sea urchin or the octopus or the eel or the quail egg. I don't know how a quail egg got. You ever notice it's sushi joints? They got quail eggs.

It's like all this stuff from underwater. And then suddenly they got something from way up in the top of a tree, a damn bird egg. But I won't eat that. Yeah, I stick with the traditional stuff, you know, stuff that I kind of understand what it is, where it came from. I'll go for the salmon. I'll go for the yellow tail, the tuna, maybe some shrimp, the stuff I'm used to. but there are some weird-ass critters at the old sushi joint, man. So watch what you eat, man.

Watch what you eat. Keep your mouth shut when you eat. Chew with your mouth shut. All that stuff, man. And I want you to have your mouth open. and here's what I want you have your mouth open for. I want to see you laughing.

I want to see you laughing. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, laughing. Yeah, that's right. I am going to be at the Washington, D.C. improv, March 11th through the 14th. Would love you to come and attend. I'll be at the improv in Washington, D.C. And then April 3rd, I am going to be in Anderson, Indiana, at the Paramount Theater in April, no, that's April 2nd in Anderson, Indiana.

April 3rd, I will be at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. Please do come and see us. We're going to have a great show, stand-up comedy, and sketch style improv comedy. And that's the show for today. my friends um i hope you enjoyed it i certainly enjoyed having you remember you can always call me with your comments your questions your suggestions i'm at three two three two one five one four eight six that number is right there at harlem williams dot com uh just click and you'll see the number down at the bottom of the page and um i'm getting excited spring is coming

We are getting close to spring. Things are warming up. Oh, it's about time. It's about, even here in sunny L.A. There's been a lot of rain, a lot of fog, a lot of creepiness. Oh, God. Wow, I just yawned right in the middle of my own iPod or whatever it is. My own podcast had an unstoppable yawn fit there, man.

wow i hope i hope i'm not boring myself or you in the process so i think that's a hint i better sign off go get some rest before i get into the next podcast um once again been a pleasure having you we'll catch you next time here on the harlan highway and until then chicken chow maim baby