The Harland Highway - Podcast 81

Episode Date: March 5, 2010

Cover your mouth, laughing, annoying driving and celebrity races. Have a fun stack of fiddlesticks!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

O'ee, oh, weo, I'm gonna love you, love you. O'eo, weo, the jungle love you. Real nice, Harland. Real good soul singing there, buddy. Welcome to each and every one of you. Oh, what a treat to have you here. Very cool, very cool that you're here. Very, very cool.

are probably the coolest people on planet Earth right now because you're right here on the Harlan Highway. Where else would you rather be? Having sex on a beach at a resort, stuffing your face with lobster and pheasant. I mean, no, you want to be here, right? Did I just give you like four ideas to turn this off and go? Well, don't!

We have a great, great show today if I may say so myself in Scottish. If I can say it in Scottish, it's not conceded, is it? It's Friday. I got a visit with Dr. Ascot, the podcast assigned therapist that I have to see every week. Not enjoyable. He's creepy. I got to see him.

I'm going to be talking about wax museums. Have you ever been in a wax museum, people? I'm going to be talking about there's a new statistic out about gay people and how many are out there and how many you may know in your life. Interesting. I'm going to be talking about math, my least favorite thing in the world, math. And then I'm going to be getting to your letters. We're going to be going into the Harland Highway mailbag.

So stick around. It's here, the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway.

Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey, Harlan Williams here. It's Friday. And not my favorite day of the week, only because I got to do. therapy because they think

I got a nut loose or something. So, Dr. How are you today? What are we doing today? Hello, Holland. Hello. Today we are going to stare at each other, Holland. And what is the purpose of

staring at each other? When you stare at another human being, Holland, you experience their inner soul. And in essence, you release your inner turmoil. Oh, boy.

So we're going to sit here and just stare at each other's eyes like a couple of candle sniffing freaks. I'm not sure what that means, Holland. You know what I mean, you hippie? Holland. You eat rice cakes for breakfast, don't you? Yes, I do, Holland. I bet you use them for your underarms, too, don't you, to absorb all that hippie sweat? All right, let's go.

I'm staring at you. Stare deeper, Holland. I don't know how to stare deeper unless I'm in love with you. Well, then fall in love with me, Holland. Uh, no. Fall in love, Holland. No. Holland, I love you.

Well, I don't love you, Dr. Ascot. I love you. I must have you, Holland. Okay. Is this therapy? Or are you just like, are you getting creepy on me? Holland, I love you. Oh my God. Okay, I'm done.

Yes, we've got to finish this off, Holland. I'm getting rather stimulated. Ew. I mean, I'm getting, uh, yes, I'd let it go. Yeah, go, Ascot. Yes. Can I see you later, Holland? No.

I'd really like to go for a coffee. No, I don't want to go for a coffee. How about some fiddlesticks at the 7-Eleven? I don't want to go for fiddlesticks at the 7-Eleven, ask God. How about some slim jims behind Denny's? No, no, no, get out. Oh, what a freak. Slim jims behind the Denny's.

How about some chocolate bars behind the I-Haw, Portland? No, I don't want to. want chocolate bars behind the IHop. Get out of here. God, that guy is creepy. Why? Oh, sometimes I wonder if it's even worth doing

a podcast just because I have to deal with him. What kind of growing man makes you stare into his eyes and wants to go to a 7-Eleven and by fiddle sticks? What the hell are fiddlesticks, man?

Get out. out of here her what the hell is a fiddle stick only that creep would be into them i have no idea what a fiddle stick is i hope he goes far far away takes a vacation and never comes back how's that um and speaking of vacations do you go on vacations my fine listeners and when you get there Do you do the traditional tourist stuff, or do you kind of carve your own path? And if you're thinking of taking a vacation to Hollywood or Niagara Falls or some kind of cheesy destination, New York, where they have this thing called the Wax Museum,

Madam Tussaud's Wax Museum, or so-and-so's Wax Museum, or blah, blah, they have them in Vegas, they have them everywhere. And basically, you walk in and you walk through and your eyes pop out of your head and you marvel at stuff because lo and behold, there's an exact replica of Elton John and Prince and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and everybody's there at the party. But guess what? They're not real. They're just made out of wax. You could have bought People magazine and sat on your couch and looked at a picture of these celebrities

and got the same effect. Why am I talking like this? I guess I'm doing it to stress a point. Maybe I need a fiddlestick. Get out. So anyways, what I'm saying is it's kind of an odd experience. Like I think people walk into these structures, thinking, oh, my God, Elton Johnson's inside, and Jimmy Hendricks, and, oh, my God, we're going to see

Jackwin Phoenix or whatever the guy's name is. No, it's like going in and looking at mannequins. Manikins that look like famous people. What the hell are you thinking, folks? If you really want to have fun in a wax museum, take like a flamethrower in, okay? Or bring your Bick lighter and start melting things. Like, you know, get the Elton John and the Pope John and the Olivia Newton John all next to each other and like torch them and let them all melt together so you've got Pope Olivia Newton, Elton John the 3rd, right? or maybe like melt Brad Pitt and I don't know

Jennifer Aniston together and see what you get some kind of demented hermaphrodite that's so gorgeous you can't resist it I don't know if I was a billionaire man if I was a billionaire this is what I'd do on a milestone birthday like you know 25 or 40 or 50 or whatever I would get a giant cake made

I'd get a cake made you know like the size of a swimming pool or like you know 20 feet around in circumference and then instead of candles I would buy all these celebrities from the wax museum and put them in the icing make them stand on my cake put wicks on their heads

and watch them all burn and then I wouldn't blow the candles out until they got at least down to their torso to their belly button. I don't know why I'm being so cruel about it, but I would. Imagine that, blowing out Pamela Lee Anderson, blowing out Brad Pitt,

blowing out Merrill Streep, blowing Elton John. Wait a minute, no. I didn't... You know what? I think I'll just stick to a normal, good old-fashioned cake from the grocery store. That got a little weird right there.

I'm going to go take a little break. Have a listen to this. Hmm. Here's a gay story. I don't know how interested you are or not interested. It might matter to you. It might not. But according to a recent study,

the study says that 40% of all Americans have a friend, have a friend or a relative who's gay. Hmm. Interesting. Think about your family. That's a pretty high percentage. Anybody you know gay? You got a friend who's gay?

You got a relative who's gay? Anyone you might think is gay? Anyone who's gay and they're not telling you they're gay? I don't know. Are you gay? Look in the mirror. Are you the one? Are you the 40%?

Or are you just 40% gay? And waiting to become 60% fully gay. It's a gay equation. Hey man, what's up? You gay? No, no, I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm 40% gay, but, um, you know, the rest of me is all about the bitches. Okay, man, well, you were looking at me funny. Oh, just 40% of you.

Huh? Yeah. And the 40% right there on your back side. What the? Don't worry. I'll call you when the other 60% gets here. God, percentages. Are you good with percentages?

Like, do you understand percentages and equations and division and mathematical stuff? I'll be honest. I'm not great at it, man. You know, if something's easy, like, you know, oh, that's 50% or that's 10%. But if you get into anything that's kind of off the well-traveled road, this medicine has a 43.5% equation that makes it balance out with 22% side order of effectiveness. and yeah exactly I'm just I'm not good with that stuff I'm not good with uh well you got

what you got to do there is divide uh 4.3% into 92 and then if you can subtract the subtotal you're gonna you're gonna have just what you want right there and that that's gonna be exactly what you need right there you understand uh yes well I don't see how because I I just made all that bullshit right up right there. Oh, God. It's funny, though, man, when you think of all the way, you know, the world works on math, on mathematical equations and numbers and the technology we use and getting into space and the fine, fine increments,

and the sliding scale of mathematical equations that can make a difference in, in geometry and physics and the way everything fits together and pieces together and the tilt of our planet and the degrees of the sun and the, you know, just goes on and on and on. But it is so complex, and I guess what I'm getting at is who the hell had the time to figure this out? I mean, look around you. Think about all your friends that you have, okay? Think of, and I'm talking to all of you.

I want you to make a list of all your friends. Okay, let's say Dave is into hockey. Paul likes to go to concerts. Mike likes to spend time on his computer and download music. Peter's really into the gym. Sandy loves to go shopping. Carol, Bob, Alice, and Daryl love to go to the beach and play volleyball. I mean, do you know anyone that really?

seriously sits around and thinks about math. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes, the answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Do you know anyone who seriously uses any of that stuff in their daily life? Have you ever even met anyone like that? I don't know. It's scary. I wonder what the percentage is,

and here I go, throwing that word around again. What is the damn percentage of people that come up with this intense mathematical stuff? And I'll call it stuff because to me that's just what it is. It's like a box full of stuff. But what is the percentages in relation to the human population? of people that actually come up with this stuff and understand it and use it and apply it. And in doing so, help us, you know, have phones and computers

and technology and so on and so on and motor vehicles and jet planes. And it's pretty complex, man. So I guess where I'm going with this is to all you, and I'm not going to, I'm not going to degrade you and call you nerds, because to be honest, I actually respect someone with that kind of brain. I'm kind of jealous of a person with that kind of brain. I mean, to me, a nerd is a moron that sits around and crushes beer cans into his head

and paints half his body purple and goes to a football game and cooks ribs out of the back of his truck. That's like, you know what? That's nerd to me. I'd rather sit and eat dinner with some guy that could tell me the meaning of life or tell me about every molecule in my body. So what I'm saying is my hat's off to you people. I wish I could relate.

But then again, let's see you do a funny podcast. What percentage of your brain can make a funny podcast and have Dr. Ascot and tell funny stories and make people laugh and okay we're all good at something right oh let me see I'm gonna I'm gonna do this for real okay here's how bad my math is okay two times two is four four times four and I'm not I'm not kidding I have to stop right there oh I'm so ashamed man And it's no secret. If you go back and look at my high school exams, my math exams are abysmal.

But four times four, I literally have to stop and count on my fingers what four times four is. Oh, God. And you wonder why I went into the arts, right? Now I have to figure this out. Okay, four times four, eight, nine, ten, alone, twelve, sixteen. See? I can do it. I'm not an idiot.

a mental case i can do this stuff i just have to stop and think about it and count it up okay so the equivalent would be like let's say you go on a stand-up comedy stage and someone heckles you and you're just like oh oh um hey what's going on nice nice hair dude um uh uh uh uh and then you pee your pants okay but then I go on stage and someone says like hey nice hair dude and I come back with a one

liner real quick in the spur of the moment that's where my rocket's fire that's my like mathematician so whereas a mathematician or the average person can just solve an equation

or come up with a mathematical solution I can come up with a a quick-witted snappy retort? Like, that's going to get me far in life? Well, he got me my own podcast. I got a podcast. Okay, why am I holding my podcast up against people? People don't care like that's some kind of a weapon I have.

Hey, man, how do you like my beautiful Parisian wife, man? She's a Victoria's Secret model. She's a self-made millionaire, and she's a sex maniac. Oh, yeah? Well, I've got my own podcast. Yeah, way to go, Williams. Way to go. Hi, this is Harland Williams, and you're listening to the Harland Highway.

We've all heard the term looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. Well, here's something new. Try pulling your underpants off and putting them over your face. Just stretch them over your head and try looking at the world through a freaked out fruit of the loom flyhole. Yeah, just another friendly tip. For me, Harland Williams, here on the Harland Highway. Heaven's to Mergatroyd. Let's see what the mail bringer.

It's time to check the mail bag. Okay, let's see here. I got a great letter from Sean White, who wrote to me at Harlan Williams.com. And he wrote to me, he goes, Harland, I love your podcast on your number 66 podcast. You ask people to give you pickup lines and another name for the mushroom cap.

Well, the mushroom cap I was talking about on the show how women have a thing called the camel toe when their, you know what, is in tight pants. So I didn't know what the equivalent was for a man when he's wearing tight pants and everything sticks through. I called it a mushroom cap. But Sean and other people have mentioned that it's called a moose. knuckle, which I find strange because moose don't really have knuckles, and I don't know, I've seen

a lot of moose. I used to work in the wilderness, and I've had many close experiences with moose, and at not one point, I've had moose charge me, and at no point during a moose charge, did I stop to think, gee, is that guy's pounding towards me? Boy, to his knuckles ever look like a couple of testicles. So I'm not sure I get it. But another question I asked and some of you wrote and phoned in was famous pickup lines. Pickup lines either you've used or they have been used on you. So Sean gave me one of his pickup lines and here it is. I heard it was going to rain tonight and I'd like to make sure you carry your umbrella because sugar melts.

Okay. And here's another one from Sean. Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. Anyways, good stuff. Let's see what else we got. All right. Here's a letter from

Veronica. And she writes to me, she goes, Dear Harland, I have heard you say all times, instead of all Alzheimer's. Say it right. You see, I can't say it. I don't know how to pronounce Alzheimer's. So I just always say all timers. I love it that she corrected me, but in her email, she just says, say it right. So excellent letter. Let's see what else we got here in the old mail bag. Um, here's one, um, here's one from, uh, uh, from Eric. And, uh, he said, just started listening to the podcast, love it. Um, and I was also thinking

about picking up the Rocket Man DVD for the kids. It got really great reviews over at Amazon. Well, for those of you that do want the Rocket Man DVD, you can get it here, autographed, at Harlewilms.com in my store. And it is a great, great movie. So thank you for that. Here's another letter. I was asking the other day about... I did one of the bits of Star Trek

with Captain James Steak of the USS Enterprise. And I was asking, what the hell are to lithium crystals? For those of you that don't know, Scotty was always down. in the engine room and he could never get enough DeLithium crystals. He's like, Captain, we need more deletium crystals, Captain.

So I was like, what the hell are those damn things? So here we go. A guy named Ryan Stevens, he wrote me and he said, DeLithium crystals. Lithium is an element of the periodic table. D.I. means two. DeLithium is two lithium atoms in, crystal form.

I'm in grade 10 science, and I love cinnamon. You know, that's what I love about this podcast. You get a guy who's like, you get a grade 10 genius who seems to know everything about everything, and then right at the end, it turns out he loves cinnamon boy. So good on you. Thank you, Ryan. And let's see what else. we got here.

Here's a more serious question maybe, but a young guy named Ryan. He says, I'm rather new to stand up, and I know you've been in it forever. Well, come on, man. I'm not that old. And I'm a fan. I was wondering if you had any advice for me as starting out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Well, Ryan, my advice to aspiring comedians is just try and be original.

man, try and find a point of view or an approach or something that brings something fresh to the art form, something special. And this applies to anything you do in life. You know, if you're a singer, you're an accountant, you know, it seems to me the people that get places in life are the ones that, you know, put their own spin or their own brand or their own flavor onto something. It's easy to copy someone or emulate someone, but just try and be an original. And at the end of the run,

whether you become a huge star or you just become good at what you do, you can always look back and go, you know what, I did my own thing, I did it my way, and I was fresh. So that's my main advice. I mean, if you look at the people, that really amount to things, you know, they just seem to be people that are innovative and

willing to take risks and go beyond the standard. So that's my advice. And I hope one day when you're floating in your pool at your mansion, you remember me and you invite me up because my mansion is closed. All right, let's look at one more letter, and then we will move on. Okay, let's see here. All right, last one. Here we go.

This one comes from Shane Flynn, and Shane says, love the show and love you. I was wondering if you could reenact one of my favorite movie scenes from Rocket Man and sing when you wish upon a star.

Wish you all the best. Well, thanks for wishing, and just for you, I don't know how good my voice is these days, but let's give it a shot. What do you? What do you think? Does the kids still have it? Have they still got the pipes kids? And I just want you to know that wasn't stripped from the movie. I actually, because you asked me, I actually sat here and saying that.

I put a little reverb on it, you know, just to give it that magical twist. So there you go. See it. Sometimes it pays to wish, or maybe if you have a dog in the house, it was wishing. I never sang. I don't know. You be the judge. My only wish is that, you know what?

Let me tell you what my wish is. My wish is that, you know, you come and see me do stand-up comedy live. my wish, because I want to make you laugh. You know, if my singing made you cry, I now want to make you laugh. So what I want to tell you about, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you about it.

I am going to be in Washington, D.C., at the Washington, D.C. Improv, and this invitation goes out to Obama and all his folks and all his family, and all his posse up there at the White House. I'm going to be at the Washington D.C. Improv, March 11th through the 14th. Get your tickets, I'm telling you, because that club, last time I did it, I sold out every show.

And I'm not saying it to be a hot shot, but I'm saying it because if you want to catch me up there, get your tickets immediately. Because I'm going to sell that out. I'm in Miami trick. You can look on my website, harlomewilms.com, for ticket info. And while you're there, don't forget April 2nd, Anderson, Indiana at the Paramount Theater, and April 3rd at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio.

Gorgeous theaters are going to be doing stand-up and sketch-style improv comedy. It's like a double comedy show event. Get your tickets. So now those are going fast, too, and I can't wait to see you. I wish upon a star. And when I say star, I mean Suzanne Summers from Three's Company. I'm wishing upon her that you come see me do stand up. Thank you for your letters.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being you and not me. Because if you were me, you'd be doing this podcast, and then I won't be having all the fun that I'm having. So screw you. Thank you for being you, and thank you for not being me. And until next time, my faithful highway travelers, right there at that roadside stand, look what they're selling. Chicken chow bean, baby.

The No! No! No! No! No! No. No.

Thank you.