The Harland Highway - Podcast 82

Episode Date: March 8, 2010

A visit from someone in the sex trade, iPod hunger, fat pregnant mothers, and comedian Orny Adams drops by for a visit! Glorious sweet treats! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Grand Illusion. Come on in and see what's happening. Pay your prize. Get the ticket for the show. Bannown, bann-na-na-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n------ Okay, enough. You're not sticks, Harland. You're singing stinks. Stop it. Okay, I get the hint.

Welcome, one and all. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams. your chumly little host, I guess, your little friend along the way. And what a show we have today. Today we have a really cool special guest, a very funny comedian, a guy by the name of Orney Adams, one of the best stand-ups you'll see out there. He's coming in to talk to us today.

It's going to be great. We're going to be talking about your iPod and its need for songs. We're going to be talking about fat mothers giving birth. Apparently their jelly rolls are becoming an obstacle And then this is awkward I don't want to give too much away But I get a visit from someone from the sex trade At the studio today

A little embarrassing, a little humiliating But nonetheless, not for you, just me So get your fishing net And let's go fishing down the Harlan Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harlan Highway

I'm Teddy Routspin and I'm your friend Riding down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Hey, hey, hey, it's Harland Williams, and you're on the Harland Highway, and I hope you're having a great day, because I know I, hold on, there's someone at the door. Hello. Hi, can I come in? Who are you?

Yeah, okay. Let me remind you. Hi, this is sexy Sarah. Uh, Sarah, yes, yes. Yes, you phoned my house the other night, right? Yeah, I phoned your house. Yeah, yeah, wow. Let me, let me remind you.

About one month ago, you called me. It was about 2 o'clock in the morning. Oh, okay, kind of. You were telling me how lonely you were, remember? Yeah, I think I'd been drinking a bit that night. Yeah, okay, you know what? I don't care what you'd been doing, but you have a responsibility now. Excuse me?

Yes, you do. You don't look anything like how you sounded, by the way. What's that supposed to mean? Well, you're just heavier than... Okay, well, maybe I'm heavy for a reason. What are you talking about? Okay, I missed my period this month. Okay, you're the only one I spoke to that night?

Are you saying you're pregnant? Duh. Well, wait a minute, that wasn't me. I use a cell phone. Okay, you know, cell phone. home phone. I don't really care. I'm pregnant and it's your fault. How could it couldn't have been my fault. Okay. Um, hmm, were you satisfied that night? Yeah. Okay, very satisfied, right? If I remember. Yeah. Okay. Did you use a condom?

On my phone? You know what? No, I didn't. Okay. And now I'm pregnant. It's your fault. Oh my God. You have to own up to the responsibility. You make a phone call like that. You have to pay for the consequences. Look, it was phone sex. I was a little drunk. Yes, I was a little lonely. What are you talking about? Are you okay?

And I was completely sober, and I was still willing to do it with you over the phone. And I'm pregnant now because of you. Folks, we got to take a break here. You know what, Sally? If you could just... Sarah. Sexy Sarah. Sexy Sarah.

Look, can I call you? Oh, yeah, right. Like, I'm going to let that happen again. Okay, I've got to take a break, folks. I got a bit of a problem on my hand. This is the Harland Highway. We'll be back. What's your number again?

7-8-5 Oral. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm going to be a father. Harlan Williams. Yeah, that's me. All right. Baby Maker Williams.

Imagine that if you could get someone knocked up through phone sex. Yikes. How many of you men out there? have, shall we say, knocked someone up? And I don't, that term is kind of, I don't know, crass to say the least, knocked someone up. Don't you like knock someone up against a wall?

Just knock someone up is so like primal. But how many of you guys out there have done it have knocked up a lady impregnated a woman and A not wanted anything to do with it or B, have you ever had this situation where a girl comes back to you later on

and says, oh, by the way, I'm pregnant or by the way, I had a kid and it's yours or by the way, this, that, this that. I want to hear your stories. call me at 323215-1486 and tell me if you have any wicked stories about a woman that might have tricked you or lied to you or entrapped you

or just it was a very loving situation and it was just an honest-to-goodness accident it doesn't always have to be evil and vindictive, right? But if you have an interesting pregnancy story, I want to hear it and play it on the air And I don't know Could be cool, man So 323-215-1486

And in the meantime I'm going to be here breastfeeding My laptop computer Because that's what laptops need these days They're getting smarter and smarter and smart Okay, shut up Shut up, you little flat-top bastard Yeah, whining and complaining little laptop.

And speaking of whining and complaining, I have a very funny stand-up comedian friend, a guy named Orney Adams. You've seen him on The Tonight Show, on Leno. He was featured in that documentary movie that Jerry Seinfeld did called Comedian. And I'm going to give you a little tease, but I'm going to have Orney here later on in the show. So here's a little taste of my buddy, Orney Adams.

You see how fat some of these kids are getting? Oh, I'm not supposed to talk about that? All I'm saying is if you're eight years old and you're a boy, you shouldn't be a seat cup. That's all I'm saying. These kids are fat and they're lazy. Did you know that backpacks have wheels? I was at a high school

They looked like thousands of miniature flight attendants Just wheel in there Might as well give them a motor So they can just drive it to class I don't I don't want to pull a muscle or something These kids are so Damn like sit around all day like this

Right? Plenty of the text messaging And like kids sitting next to them They can't go, hey, how you doing? They have to type, hey, how you doing? that's all they do all day this is how they play basketball like this this is this is recess for them this is

they're fat but their thumbs are in great shape yeah there he is orney adams and uh he's coming up later in the show so you got to stick around for orney he's hilarious man and when I said at the beginning of his intro

kind of whining and complaining that's what I love about orney he kind of whines and complains out loud about all the things in life that need to be whined and complained about like fat kids, man. Little flight attendants. So if you like that, you're going to like my get-together with Orney. Coming up here on the Harland Highway, he's a lot of laughs.

Check out his website, Orney Adams.com, buy one of his CDs. Excellent comedian. And we'll be back with him. In just a little bit. Okay, this is a little disturbing. There's an item in the news where, you know, we're getting to be a fat country when doctors are starting to complain about giving birth to women that are too fat.

Apparently doctors are struggling with fat rolls to get the babies out. I mean, you know, the lady lays down and not to be undignificant. fight here, but they got to put their feet in the stirrups and they got to open wide and the baby's got to come out. But somehow these flaps of meat keep rolling down over the area where the baby comes out. I mean, that's not pretty. I mean, what do you got to get? Like a dough roller or one of those big things that they use, you know, when you put a new lawn in, you put in the new sod and they get those big giant roller things that go. go along and press everything down?

Is that what we need to roll across fatty's tummy so the jelly rolls don't block the way there for the baby to come out into the world? Now, I don't want to see a baby come out in the world. First thing he does is bonk his head on a jelly roll. That's just wrong, man. I don't know, maybe we've got to get some clothes. pins or something and hold that stuff up or maybe just hand it to the woman just peel it back here

agnes would you mind just hold this up at the corners like a bad sheet while we deliver your baby oh no problem do you mind if i get a peppridge farm cake will i do that no just hold the jelly roll Oh, Jolly Roll! Where? You're holding it. Oh! Oh, brother. Slim down, have your baby, and then go back to grazing. Hey, everybody, you are rolling down the Harland Highway,

and I have a young man here with me today, who you might remember from Jerry Seinfeld's movie Comedian. This guy was like the star of that movie. Just a wild, edgy, incredible stand-up. comic. It's Orney Adams. How you doing there, buddy? I'm great. God, you look slim and trim. You're in good shape. I'm trying. You know, I'm starving myself to look like this. But why? Like, is there something going on in this country that, what the hell? Why do you got to be in such good shape? You're setting an example, or what's the deal, Daddy? I'm trying to. We, uh, country's getting a little

what's the word? Is it obese? Is that? Slubbery? You're so fat. When I travel all over this guy and I'm sorry like that that's your business if you're an adult but if you're a fat kid oh god yeah the kids are getting chunky aren't they all I'm saying is if you're eight years old and you're a boy you shouldn't be a sea cup that's all I'm saying this country is getting so fat I swear to God the next war will be for cooking oil we will be invading the canola whatever the canola country is I think it's Canada actually is that what you want to know honestly I Wikipedia would how many times do you hear something in a conversation that you don't

understand? You're like, I've got to go home and Google that. I pretty much didn't get most of what you just said. Well, the CA and the CANN and Canola is Canada oil. Oh my God, you're right. Yeah. Who knows? Are you still Canadian?

Like, do you still... I know it's a dirty word. Yeah, it is. It is a dirty. You know what's funny? I am just applying for my citizenship. Really? Yeah. I've actually got the paperwork sitting my office and I'm filling it out and you won't believe it they ask

questions like have you ever been a prostitute have you and it's embarrassing because I have to be honest and say yes I have right and does that disqualify you or help you I think uh when Clinton comes back in it's going to help me I uh now how do you feel about that whole the whole election are you yeah will you be will you be able to vote when you become a citizen

uh I think I can vote once I'm a citizen but as of now I can't. Wow. It's cool. I just get to sit back and watch the circus. Are you allowed to vote on American Idol? I can vote on American Idol. And what kind of questions do they ask you there? They asked me if I was a prostitute, and I say yes, I've been with Paula. So you like Mitt, who's a... I like Mitt Romney. And he's a Mormon. He's a Mormon Republican. So you are a Republican, and I thought maybe by this hunting jacket that you're wearing today. Well, I'm kind of like a Mormon. I'm a moron.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm so liberal. Yeah. What are you? I'm actually so liberal. I'm actually for gay stem cell research. Really?

I don't even know what that means, but I know you put those two things together. You should go out and get yourself a gay stem cell phone. And call someone about this, because this is a new thing you're coming up with, daddy. Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know. How did your head even go? there? I don't know. You led me down

the yellow brick road, Dorothy. I would never even see the parallel between the two cells. I know. I get mixed up when I'm around you. Because you get talking and I just get caught up in the Orney Adams whirlwind. There's a mental traffic jam here on

the Harland Highway. We've hit a roadblock. But you know what? Maybe we'll get lucky and hit a fat kid and bounce off and go down a side street or something. The Orney side road. By the way, if you A fat kid. Just keep going.

You should. Well, these kids will shoot you nowadays. Oh, my, you're right. They're all loaded. They're armed. They're angry. They're, uh... Why?

Do you know that they, uh, they suspended some kid in Arkansas who was eight years old? Just because eight years old just not even had a gun held up a piece of breaded chicken, points at the teacher, goes, paw, pow, pow, and they threw them out. Well, how do we know the kid didn't have a stutter? Maybe the kid was trying to say Kung Papapau chicken and got nervous. Wait a bit. His breaded chicken And she went, pow, pow, pow.

He, yes. Maybe it was a chicken popper. Do those exist? I don't know. Maybe he had a chicken popper cell phone. Is that where you're going to go with this, Harlan? Yeah, that's where I was going. I guess you're right.

All right. We got to get out of here before I say something else that's completely stupid. But we're going to be back with more Orney. Pick up his CD, Path of Leastonel. resistance at orneyadams.com and we'll be back with more from our friend orney Adams and his stem cell phone right after this. This is your iPod calling to you. I need more songs.

I need more songs. I only have 5,329 songs. I need more songs. Please download more songs. Quickly, quickly, I'm hungry, please. I need more songs, I need more songs. Even though you'll never listen to me, I need these songs, I need more songs to stay alive. Feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me.

This is your iPod ordering you to feed me. Your iPod's hungry, baby. You better go feed it. Here, on the Harland Highway. everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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I am aggressively driving on the Harland Highway. You have road rage, dude. By the way, this is Orney Adams with us here today. one of the best comedians in the country. Check his website, orneyadams.com. Find out where he's playing. There's no speed limit on the... There's no speed limit.

No. You do whatever you want. I feel like you should be able to go so fast down this highway. If you're in a convertible, it should rip your hair plugs out of the top of your head. I'm with you. Now, we're in the studio here. There's a lot of technology around. You're actually speaking into a microphone.

What's your take? Do you dig technology? Are you a techie guy? You were saying earlier off the air that if we had had all this stuff growing up, as you get older, it's harder and harder to understand. Like, I can't pick up on text messaging. I see the kids sit around all day with their thumbs going a mile a minute. They don't know how to, like, talk to each other anymore. Like if somebody's sitting next to them, they have to text, hey, how you doing?

You know, like, they can't look at them and go, hey, how you doing? They have to type it. Yeah. These kids are, like, they're fat, but their thumbs are in great shape. Oh, they'd make great koalas. They could climb a tree. a second and pick fruit? I've seen a few of them doing that.

Oh, my God. Picking fruit competitions. Well, do you text? I don't think I've ever got a text from you. No, I don't text, and it's nothing against you. I think if I were to send my first text, do you find that yours tries to guess what you're trying to spell? Because

I tried it once. Somebody sent me a message, like, when will you be here? So now I have to like type B there in 10, which by the way, I'm doing it like it's taking me forever trying to spell B there and how do I make it right the number one oh instead of and I realize the whole time you know it'd be a lot easier if I just called the person so now I call and I do the fake computer voice oh no what's that you know like be there in 10 and I just hang up like verbally you try to trick

them but mine tries to guess what I'm spelling so I'm like be there in 10 send and then it ends up writing be there in vagina because you're not proof and that's not a bad place to be no but I'm sending this to my mom. Oh, wow. That's not right, dude. I take that fact. Well, you know what you got to do is you've got to get a blackberry, dude. That's racist.

You're right. I take that bad. You mean an African-American bearer. That's right. We are living in sensitive times. You're absolutely right. I just pictured Michael Richards Kramer yelling, you're a black bear. And if you didn't hear him right, you're a black bear.

Huh? Did you know the new washers and dryers are going to email us and text if when a load is done or a lint filter needs to be changed? Come on. Yeah. Don't we get enough communication from people? Now we have to talk to our appliances. Ooh.

What if we find out it's that creepy old Maytag repairman guy and he's just like a purve and he's writing to us? No, I think it's going to just say like load done or throw in a cling-free sheet. Now you lose her, I will kill. kill you? That's the last thing I need like I'm out to dinner and they're like, who keeps texting? It's like, oh yeah, my dishwasher's pissed off at me.

Honey, will you excuse me for a minute? I have to call the dryer. Yeah. Oh, my plant wants me to water it. I'll be back at a minute, sweetheart. Or to dessert, I have to go console the fridge. Oh, man. Well, I'll tell you One piece of technology, people got to get on.

They've got to get on their computers. Write to ornyadams.com, ORNY. Yeah, okay. Adams. Pick up your CD. What's the name of it? Path of Most Resistance. Thanks, Orney.

Thank you. Oh, he makes me laugh, that little fella. I'm going to, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to bring them back for a little more. We'll go grab them from the green room and have them come back and do one more segment in a few minutes. because I get a kick out of talking to Orney, man. I get more of a kick out of talking to his washing machine, but Orney's a good second best, you know.

That is a creepy thing, though, man. You know, when we get to the point where we're talking to our appliances, it's getting to that place, man. It's getting to a place where we don't talk really to anyone. We've created so many avenues. of communication from emails and text messages and you know who knows what else we've created so many methods of communicating that we no longer have to communicate you know what i'm saying it's like people are almost afraid to talk to people now it's like god i don't really want to talk

to that person but i do need to talk to them but i don't really want to you know speak to them personally let me just text them okay let's see uh janet will you marry me there that ought to send and there that way i didn't really have to talk to her yeah believe me that's where it's getting to folks you're lucky i'm even you know doing this this this podcast i mean it's amazing i'm even talking soon i'm just going to be sitting in a corner like a mute picking the fungus off my toenails um and speaking of um toenail fungus why don't we do uh one last segment let's get orney back in here uh from the green room and uh i'm having a kick with orney i hope you're enjoying orney i love this guy uh let's have one more little uh powwow with him

before we close it out here on the harland highway how you doing God, what's going on, man? You look refreshed and spring. Is spring here yet? No. No. Is it? You look like you're ready to mate or something.

You get that looking. Oh, I'm ready to go. Oh, my God. I'm ready to, uh... Should I go get the cleaning lady or something? Or do you need a break? I need a release. You need some lemon pledge is what you need.

Speaking of clean, man, can you like go into like a public restroom? or, I mean, does that bother you? Do you know, and it's interesting you bring this up because we weren't going to discuss this, but do you notice as you get older, you're washing your hand more? Yeah. Like, remember when you were a kid,

your mom and I go, did you wash your hands? And you're like, yeah, and that's how you washed your hands by saying, yeah. Yeah. Now I literally scrub halfway up my arm. Like, I'm going into surgery.

Yeah. To, you know, and I'm really like, I'm like that. Like in a public restroom, I don't touch anything. Oh. I kick. flush.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, we have to decide in public restaurants, are we going all automatic or not? Like, I don't need half automatic, half not. Like, I don't need the toilet to flush itself, and then I'm the idiot in front of the sink, waving my arms, trying to, like, set off a sensor that isn't there, you know? It looks like I'm crazy.

I'm kicking into the air. It looks like you're having an autism fit in front of the mirror. Right. And then you have that automatic towel dispenser. that, like, gives you your ration, your half-inch. It's like, man, you're half-inch. And you try and get it to give you more, but it won't. Yeah, yeah.

It won't give you more. You're, like, trying to, you have to fake it, like, make it think you're another person. You have to walk away from it, like, like a relationship. You're like, fine. And then you get, run back. It's like it knows that you've, how much you've wet your hands. You have to go wet your hands again. Right.

Have you ever been in the ones, and this is for real, there's toilet seats, where a little thing like pushes a toilet seat protector onto the toilet seat. Yeah, it's weird. That's creepy. It's a little bit... You're almost thinking you're going to get a happy ending going to the bathroom there. Well, you might think if you piss it off, it might fling you off of it. They might get an ejector seat.

I've seen fights break out at the towel dispenser. People like, come on, move it along. You're like, you know, I don't have enough towel. I don't... Well, that happened to me. I actually got into a fight with the towel. towel dispenser. I'm surprised people aren't punching this thing. Yeah, a little

punch back. Well, here's the thing. Me never had a problem with pulling my own towel. Like, I was never like, wow, what a day I had. Everything went wrong. Yeah. And then I had to pull my own towel. When are

they going to make that automatic? Yeah, I would really love someone to pull my towel. I agree with you there. Do you give people like dirty looks that don't wash up after They, uh, no, because it's like they, they go to the bathroom and then they, they're going to enter my world and touch things with their, no, I don't give them dirty looks because I'm one of these guys that I can't pee if there's other people in the bathroom. Because, you know, you got your back to them and you're peeing and they're strangers in there. You don't know if they're going to crack you over the head with a rare vase.

Right. Or they're going to hit you with a crowbar. So the sooner they do their business and get out, good, good for me, I can start. going. So you don't, like, I saw a guy going to a public restaurant with his kid. And they both go to the bathroom, and it wasn't automatic, so they both flushed.

And I'm watching him, and he just takes his kid's hand and walks out. I go, wow, he's not even teaching the kid to wash his hand. So this is now going to go on to another generation, is what I realized. So I'm intrigued, and I was washing up as they finished, and

watch them walk out. Yeah. And the guy takes out a thing, a lip And with his urinal flushing finger, puts his finger in, it was one of those, you know, kind that you have to put your finger into it, it wasn't a, and puts it, now he's got urinal lips. He's now, he's now kissed that urinal. He's now kissed every urinal that urinal is kissed. Yeah, but you know what you're missing is he's not the type of guy that carries Mentos in his pocket.

He has urinal cakes. He's got urinal cakes. He just pops one in and he's minty fresh, dude. Meanwhile, I get the cold. I get sick every week. That guy probably never gets sick. He probably eats Carian on the way home. What is that?

Carian? No, what is that? That's what vultures? He like decomposing carcasses and like zebras. Where in your life did you pick up that reference that I missed? I used to live on the Serengeti, and I'm just drawing that all into my world. Tell everybody the story about how you. used to clean up at the circus.

You were a clean-up boy. Hit the internet, go to ornyadams.com, pick up his hilarious CD DVD. See you, Orney. Oh, see you. Yes, there he is, Orney Adams. Thank you, Orney, for coming by and making us laugh, your insights, your observations,

your silliness. I love it. We'll have to get Orney back in here. soon for another jam session. And speaking of jam, if you want to see me jam, you can catch me, my friends, later this week at the improv in Washington, D.C. I will be doing stand-up there the 11th through the 14th of March. It's going to be a killer show.

Get your tickets early because that place will sell out. I guarantee it. Go to Harlemwilliams.com. Check out my stand-up schedule and you can click on the link and get your tickets and showtimes or go to D.C.improv.com. And don't forget, April 2nd, I will be in Anderson, Indiana at the Paramount Theater, beautiful theater doing a show. And then I will be at April 3rd, the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. Amazing dual stand-up and sketch comedy show. It's going to be killer.

So if you can't make it, tell your friends who live in the region to show up and have a laugh. But you should make it. If you don't make it, I'll be disappointed. Really disappointed in you. I'll consider you a failure in life. Okay, yeah, I know that's harsh, but if I'm going to come all the way out there, you've got to come see me. And thank you for joining today. Always a pleasure having you on board the Harland Highway.

And until next time, as always, chicken chow main, baby.