The Harland Highway - Podcast 83

Episode Date: March 10, 2010

Dealing with fat people, dog death and dog breath, human survival, and what if people had tails? Have fun caramel buns! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ground control to harland williams we are ready for liftoff here on the harland highway here today uh welcome to you and you and you and you and me and you and me and you and me and you and you and me i can't believe i just did that what a dweeb um good show today at least i think so you be the judge you know i'm not going to toop my own horn hello uh we're going to be talking about fat people today how to deal with fat people we're going to be talking about dog death and dog breath so if you're a dog owner we're going to be getting into that talking about their tails we're going to be talking about human survival what do you do when you're trapped in the forest and all kinds of things so get your chainsaw let's go it's the harland highway

You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend.

Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Oh my God, people. It's Harlan Williams here on the Harlan Highway with you, and I think I've just had a brainstorm. I think I've come up with the ultimate diet, okay? You know how we eat and we get bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. Well, think about what happens when you catch the biggest fish.

Hey, it looks like Jim caught the biggest rainbow trout on record. Oh, yeah, well, he better get it stuffed and put it up over the fireplace. Well, I'm suggesting that's what we do with fat people. Okay, you get too big, you become a trophy. You're wearing trophy fat, okay? You are, you get too chubby, and you get too much trophy fat, you're a keeper. You are a keeper, baby.

I ain't, no catch and release. I ain't taking you to Baskin Robbins and then letting you go. No, I'm taking you down to the taxidermy shop there. Thunderbonds. Yeah. Put down the milkshake, chubsters. You're getting stuffed, and you're getting mounted.

Right over my fireplace. You're a keeper. You're a trophy. You get too stuffed. You're going to get stuffed. I caught this one over at the mall, Earl. Right in front of that dear cinnabon. Ha ha ha ha.

Come on, man. You got to admit it. It's a damn good idea because people, you know, in this day and age, in this society, nobody has the incentive, right, to diet, to watch what they eat. You know, so maybe this is like, wow, I better watch what I eat. I could be, like, clubbed at any second walking to the mall. You know, you come waddling out of Burger King and there's three guys in orange vests. and they got gaffes and mallets and they just conk you out and you get your butt stuffed and you're hanging over someone's fireplace, man.

But, you know, I'm wondering if there's this show out there called The Biggest Loser, right? And I'm wondering if it's having the reverse effect on people. Like the show is intended to show you you can have a better lifestyle and, You can get thin and blah, blah, blah. But the opposite effect of this show is that, you know, they take like 30 contestants, you know, every six months or every four months, right? Because this is one of those shows that doesn't play once a year. They just keep doing it back to back.

So you're talking like 90 people a year or something. What if people are like, oh, my God, I could be on TV. I could be like a celebrity. Oh, my God. hand me a sandwich oh my god i'm gonna be a star someone get me a cake you mean to tell me i'm gonna be rubbing shoulders with brad and angelina on the red carpet good lord someone find me a buffet christ on a christmas basket right you just know there's people that are like out there that were probably overweight and they're dieting and they're like oh god if only i could lose more

someday this fat will be gone and then they turn on on biggest loser, and here's these fatties staying at a luxury resort and getting makeovers and meeting the president and getting endorsement deals and pictures on the cover of magazines. It's like, screw Jenny Craig, man. Somebody get me some waffles. Oh, my God, I've got to put on another 15 pounds this week. I'm not going to meet my quota. The biggest loser has created reverse dieters, man.

Because I'll tell you what One thing people like more than being thin Is to be like famous So way to go, biggest loser You've created the biggest celebrities now Oh God love you Well let's switch gears here I got something

I got something really corny That this is borderline shut down my podcast corny Okay But somehow I kind of kind of liked it because it was like so old school and see what you think and and this may be your last podcast when you hear this because it's so corny it's one of those old style stories one of those old style jokes that you know you'd get when you were four years old hey man you want to hear a joke okay all right these three guys walk into a bar right okay and the first guy

says what you know it's just and it goes on and on well this is one of those so you know plug your ears or throw your iPod in the water whatever but i actually got a little chuckle out of it it is stupid but here we go the premise is can cold water clean dishes and this is for all the germ conscious folks out there that worry about using cold water to clean their dishes okay so here's the story and see if you like it. This guy, John, went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in kind of a, you know, secluded rural area of Ohio. So after spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning, John's

grandfather prepares breakfast of bacon and eggs and toast and all that. But John noticed like a film substance on his plate, and he asked his grandfather, he said, are these plates clean? And his grandfather replied, they're as clean as clean. cold water can get them. You just go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny. Okay, so later on that day for lunch, the old man made some hamburgers.

And again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. And again, he asked, are you sure these plates are clean? And then without looking up, the old man said, I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now, don't you, fret, I don't want to hear another word about it. All right, so later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town,

and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and won't let him go past. So John yelled and said, hey, grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car. And without diverting his intention from the football game that he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, cold water, go lay down now, you hear me? Cold water! Get the hell. Get out of there, cold water. Yeah, those are the crickets, chirping. Did you get it?

Did you see that the cold, the dog had been... I don't know why. Okay, so every now and then I get nostalgic. There, this is me. Look, I'm ripping up the nostalgia. All you hipsters that are threatening to walk out. on my podcast. Look, there, I've ripped it up. No, no more of those. You happy? Wow, I can't get a little Norman Rockwell on your ass. You got to be, oh, hey, man, that's not very hip, man. What year is that?

What decade is that material from, man? All right, well, just so we're clear, my dad sent it to me, okay? And my dad is almost 80 years old. So blame my dad, but you can't. really blame my dad because of my dad. I'm here and you get the other good stuff in the show, but I think you secretly like that. Yeah, I think you did because it was cute. And you like cute, don't you? Oh, cute, so cute. Oh, cute. So cute. You know what's not cute? I'm switching gears again here. Wow, I'm just like I'm in a indie car. I'm just switching gears. I saw a guy the other day getting out of his his like SUV or his

escalade or his minivan or something I was sitting in a restaurant looking out the window and this guy walks to the back of his car and presses a keychain and his trunk

opens up like hydraulically like it doesn't just like pop up it's like really slow and I'm like how much effort does it take to stick your finger on the button to your trunk and just lift it? Like, do you have to have the hydraulic door, lazy ass?

Like, it's bad enough that we as a society don't get our hearts working and our legs pumping and our arms going and our weight lifting and all that. But are you telling me you can't get your thumb and your index finger doing a little work? Like, is that just too much effort? Hell no, I'm not going to lift that hatch. I need to do training. Last time I used my thumb and index finger was to lift up that bowl of pringles. And they're light as hell.

I can't lift no hatch door. Let me press this button. Wow. Okay, so that's the first part. And then here's the other part. The guy stuffed something in the back of his trunk there. Not a trunk. You know, keep in mind it was like an escalade.

So there's no trunk. It's like you open it and then there's the back seat. You know what I mean? So there's that little area where you can stuff your luggage or whatever. So the guy stuffed like some kind of parcel or box or briefcase or something in there. And then I swear to God he like put a garbage bag over it or a blanket or something. Like he covered it up with, you know, a thin piece of fabric or plastic or material. And I realize people do that a lot when they leave their cars and they've got valuables inside.

It's like, oh, I'll leave this pile of money in here. But, ooh, let me put some Kleenex over it so nobody notices it. Let me put this old t-shirt over it so that nobody steals it. Yeah, because, you know, no one would ever think to lift the t-shirt. What an obstacle. Let's see, I could have a me. I can put chains around it. I could bolt it to the ground.

But no, I think this t-shirt will, you know, pretty much suffice. I think this should keep everything secure. Good Lord. Come on, people. If you don't want to get ripped off, take the proper precautions. Imagine that's what they did at the bank instead of like a safety deposit box. should just go in the safe and lay a J-cloth on top of it? Mr. Davidson, here's your stack of gold.

Yes, could you please lay a couple of sheets of bounty on there? Oh, we're all out of bounty. Would you be okay if we laid some bounce on there, some static-free bounce sheets? Well, okay, as long as it's safe. Oh, don't worry. No one will look under the... static free bounce sheets.

Sounds good to me. Here, here's another bar. Oh, thank you. We'll wrap that one in toilet paper. Excellent. I'll sleep well tonight. Oh, Lord. Oh, well.

It's your world. It's your money. It's your stuff. Do what you want with it. But until then, listen to this stuff. Yeah, did you hear this story, man? Some guy, okay, was out piddling around, and a great big tree blew over and landed on him. So this guy gets pinned under the tree, can't move for 11 hours, pulls his pocket knife out of his pocket and starts cutting his legs off.

I want to be making this up, but I ain't. okay the guy starts cutting his own legs off and he gets free and then someone finally heard him yelling okay this is after 11 hours okay people it's not like he was lost at sea for 40 days and 40 nights drinking his own pee to stay alive it's not like he was trapped on the side of mount Everest for two weeks and sub-zero temperatures having to eat his dead climbing buddy for sustenance

that's 11 hours man I mean if this happened at 7 in the morning it's not even dark yet by the time he's cutting his own legs off it's here you're still in a nice romantic sunset mode right there that ain't leg

cutting off weather what's with the talk about impatient oh man it's been 11 hours i can smell dinner cooking somewhere i got to get home i'm hungry better cut these old legs off and uh go get me some meatloaf and mashed potatoes i don't know man talk about jump the gun someone was bound to come along i mean as soon as he got his legs cut off, apparently he started yelling and someone heard him.

It's only 11 hours, dude. Give it like four days, maybe. Cutting your legs off is a total desperation move. Oh, well, just make sure you don't take your tires off your vehicle. Then you won't be able to get

down the Harland Highway. Yeah, I don't know. Would you do it? Would you cut your own appendage off to save yourself? It happens in the wild. right? Like if you hear about a coyote or a bobcat getting caught in a trap, they'll, like, chew through their own foot to get away. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life.

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Wow, but my question is, how do you cut through like a femur bone or a tibia with a Swiss Army knife, man? Like, bones on any level are just hard to get through, right? So think about this. It's the biggest bone in your body, your leg bone, the thickest, hardest bone there is. I mean it's a bone It's like almost like concrete So imagine trying to cut First you get to cut through your flesh

Then your tissue Then your muscle It's got to be blood starting to spurt out everywhere Then you get to the bone I mean Just the pain of getting to the bone Is going to freak you out And then how do you cut through the bone

And then you get through the bone Then you get through the marrow But that's a thick bone man Man, that's like, that's wider than a silver dollar. Like, you got to literally cut through it like you're cutting through a piece of pipe or a small tree with a saw. You're telling me you're not going to get into the marrow and the nerve endings and the, oh, my God. You know what?

Tree, you win. You got me, tree. Timber, gigs up, you got me. Maple Dutch, Dutch elm, chestnut tree, whatever. walnut, birch tree, you win. You know, I thought I'd have a nice long life, die of a stroke or heart attack when I hit 86. But you know what?

I'm 19. You got me. You got me. Yeah, I'm going to get your family, too. What was that? Nothing. Yeah, I think I'd just roll over and go, you know what, I'm in the forest, it's leafy, it's nice,

the birds are singing, the sky is blue. This west place is to die, okay? That's what I'm saying. There's worse places to die. You know, if it comes down to sawing my own legs off, I think I'll just, you know, go for the eternal sleep. Thank you. Right?

What are his friends going to say? Dude, you couldn't wait, like, another 11 hours? Like, it was 11 hours, dude? You couldn't have waited until we came looking for you? What the hell? Well, you know, I had to get to Dairy Queen had that two-for-one peanut buster parfait thing, man. Oh, so you were going to...

Yeah, cut the legs off. I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to miss out, man. No way. Now, if only I could reach the counter to order the special, because now I'm about six feet shorter because he got no legs.

Man. Let's see. part you got to think about before you commit to something like sawing off your legs. That's a commitment. You got to go, okay, once I get them off, I'm in a forest. Where do I go from here? It's not like once my legs are free, I get up and run out of here. I mean, I'm losing blood.

I can probably crawl about 30 yards before I'm dead. You know what? I'm staying right here. The tree wins. Good night. Good night. Goodbye. someone make a coffee table out of my

my tree it's already got the extra lags don't you wish we had tails yeah that's right I said tails this is harland Williams you're listening to the harland highway and I'm throwing another provocative subject at you yeah I wish we had tails like dog tails you know because people nowadays

don't really like to communicate everyone's doing their text messaging and on their cell phone so nobody takes time to talk to anybody more, right? We don't even want to look at each other. Most of the time you just look away. So wouldn't it make sense if we just had a tail and that could convey all our emotions? You know, you're on the subway and it's getting crowded and someone starts walking towards you, some like haughty, your tail just starts wagging. Or if some creepy guy walks toward you, your tail just kind of goes between your legs and you're

like, oh, this guy's freaking me out. Or if you're at work or you're walking down the street, you know, you could just be wagging your tail. Everyone knows you're happy. You're not going to go postal or blow up a building. Let me just make it so much easier. Just be a way of communicating. Forget about all the modern day electronics and gadgets

and Bluetooth ear pieces and blackberries. We could all just communicate if we had tails. We won't have to talk. We wouldn't even have to look at each other. You can just read someone's vibe. Hey, dude, I think that chick over there will get the huts for you. Oh, yeah, how can you tell? Look at her tail, man.

It's wagging back and forth like crazy. Yeah, that's because it's a friggin' poodle, you idiot. Oh, no! Arlen Williams. Get your tail out, people. Let us know how you feel here on the Harlan Highway. Oh, dogs. Dogs, dogs, dogs.

I don't know if you're a dog person. or if you have a dog or if you like dogs, I find that most people who don't like dogs or afraid of dogs don't have a thing for dogs, they change their mind so quickly when all of a sudden they are kind of forced into being around dogs. Like, if you ever had a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband and a wife, or a husband or a wife,

and you come into a relationship and one of the people have a dog, and you've never been around the dog and it doesn't take long for them to be one over. I mean, now and then you get a brat dog or a bad dog where it's like, yeah, now I hate dogs even more, man. Yo, I hate you too. Did he just talk? Not me.

What? But I'm bringing this up on a sad note, and I know you folks don't know my dog that I used to have. but on a sad note my dog died yesterday i had a beautiful one of those fat chubby the british bulldogs you know the ones with the big underbite and the big droopy eyes and the stocky chest and they're the same ones that are on the front end of a mack truck right or sometimes you see them on the internet skateboarding which amazes me because they're so fat but their center of gravity was so low I guess they're perfect for skateboarding.

I wish I had seen some of them snowboarding in the Olympics. So my little dog died yesterday, sailor. She lived, I guess, about 12 years maybe. And one of those things where she got a tumor and they took it out and she was okay for like five months. And then tumor returns and dog can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything. and so poor little sailor had to be put to sleep. And I don't mean to bring you down, but it's just one of those things in life. It's weird when something that is so much a part of your life, like a kid or a family member, and boom, they're gone.

But that's what's weird about owning a dog. Their lifespan is, you know, just a little over a decade. and sometimes less. So, you know, if you live to be 80, you could maybe experience, you know, if you're just a one-dog family, you could experience, you know, six, seven dogs in your lifetime.

So poor little sailor. Sailor Pudge, I called her. Rest in peace. And thank you for the joy. Thank you for the laugh. She was such a fat. She was almost like, a chubby little pig and you could roll her around and bite her and slap her belly and before

I'll get off the topic because you're like well we don't know your dog dude what the hell I know but this is my forum to talk about everything kind of in my life so last thing I'll mention is her favorite toy was kind of a bizarre toy at some point in Christmas one year someone in my family gave me this bizarre pepper shaker, okay? It was like this hard plastic pepper shaker. It was shaped like a waiter. Picture a waiter with black pants and a white jacket and a towel draped over his arm and dark hair and a little tiny like Mexican mustache.

And it was like a little doll. It was about, I don't know, six inches, seven inches high. and you would actually put pepper in it but here's the catch you would twist the thing's neck to get the pepper out and it had like a recording in it there was like a little tape recording in it and when you twisted it

it would go you're breaking my neck yeah he'd say you're breaking my neck in like this weird robot voice and I don't know what it is about pets they get fixated on the weirdest things ever okay but sailor my fat little British bulldog went berserk over this thing I mean I stand over six feet tall right

my little fat bulldog came up to my you know just my shins just over my ankles and when I would pick this this thing up this pepper grinder and twist its neck and we go you're breaking my neck my little fat dog would jump about nine feet in the air straight up and try and get it that thing. Just went berserk. It was bizarre.

But see, that's the stupid fun things that dogs do that's so much fun. So, you know what? Since we're talking about, why don't you call me at 323-215-1486, do you have a dog? Does it have a special thing that it does? Does it have a weird habit, a certain toy or a vent or thing that it fixed? on tell us your funny dog fixation stories and uh if they're cool and funny i'll put them on the air man 323 215 1486 enough of the sadness thank you for listening sharing a tender moment in my life now rest in peace sailor let's get back to laughing anybody here have a little

dog a cute dog or a big dog, a sled dog, a toy dog, any kind of dog. There is a product out there for dogs that we do not need. See if you're on board with me with this one, people. I was in the pet store the other day. There was a doggy bone treat, a milk bone or other various brands of dog treats. And I'm not kidding. This thing was advertising that it put mint in the dog bone, the chewable, edible dog bone

so that your dog could have minty fresh breath. Like as if you know, your dog's going to a function somewhere, a black tie affair. I say, you look dashing tonight, Rovo. What is that outfit you're wearing?

Oh, I say, just smashing it. and your breath. Oh, if I wasn't an English diplomat, I'd bend you over and start making out with you, old boy. Yes, that's right, right here in front of everybody. I don't care, I'll do it. You just smell delicious.

I mean, come on, people. We're talking about giving breath protection to a creature that wipes its butt with its mouth. Okay, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be graphic. I don't mean to be rude. It's a fact of life. Dogs and cats.

Wipe their butts with their tongues. You could shove a big gulp of listering down that dog's throat. I don't care. You wipe your butt with your tongue. You're going to have butt mouth for at least a couple of days. Don't calm me with your minty fresh dog treats. All dogs have butt mouth. And that's why we love to have our dogs lick our little faces.

Keep it clean, people, here on the Harland Highway. And speaking of keeping it clean, how about some good old-fashioned clean stand-up comedy? Hey? How about that? Yeah, that's right, my friends. This weekend, Thursday, March, Thursday the 11th through the 14th. You can catch yours truly at the D.C., Washington, D.C. Improv. I will be there doing stand-up, bringing it to you. You can get tickets online at Harlan Williams.com.

Just go to my stand-up schedule. If you don't live there, tell someone you know out there to check it out. It's going to be a groovy show. And then April 2nd, I will be in Anderson, Indiana, at the beautiful Paramount Theater, which is going to be a stunning show. And then April 3rd at the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. And those shows will involve stand-up comedy, an intermission. and then sketch style, whose line is it anyway kind of comedy

in a gorgeous theater setting. Don't miss it. Get your tickets today, and it's going to be grand. And speaking of grand, I am at the grand ending of today's podcast. I've been your host, Harland, and it's been my pleasure to have you here. And we will catch you next time, my friends. And until that time, as always, chicken chow main, baby.