The Harland Highway - Podcast 84

Episode Date: March 12, 2010

Celebrity races, old man guest, Voice mails, lip reading and sign language, women with hair, and male figure skaters and Dr. Ascot. Chips ahoy Dr. Doolittle!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer podcast happens so fast. Summer podcast, it won't last. Podcasts. Okay, why am I singing Greece? Very greasy. But we do have a slick show today. Oh, my God, so excited. We're going to celebrity races today.

I love it. You won't believe who's running down. the celebrity racetrack today, man. It is quite a collection of celebrities. So you've got to tune in for that. We've got a guest coming in the studio. I guess it's an old man, some like 85-year-old guy, and I'm not sure what we're doing with him yet,

but he's going to be here. I don't know if it'll work out well for him. We're going to be taking some of your voicemails. I put out the question not too long ago. How does one take off waterproof mascara? How does someone do it? It sounds like it would be obvious, but then it gets a little confusing because it's waterproof.

So I got some great responses from some of the ladies out there. And this is exciting. I took a lip reading and sign language course, and you'll never guess why I did it, why I needed to do it, and why you may need to take your very own, lip reading, and sign language classes. Mm-hmm.

And then I'm going to be talking about figure skating. Some of the clothes those guys wear, that's got to change. And then lastly, ladies, I'm going to be talking about something that you do that's very hairy that we don't like. You've got to trim it. So let's go right here on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rapspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. You know what I'm in the mood for today, my friends.

I'll tell you what I'm in the mood for. for today. I'm in the mood for going to the races. Do you like sporting events? And I'm not talking about the regular old horse races. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. We don't do that here at the Harland Highway. We actually have our own racetrack out on the back lot behind the studio. It's called the Harland Highway Racetrack. And we don't race horses. Now, that's old school, man. We brought things up to date. We race 100% thoroughbred celebrities. We have incredible races here, unbelievable excitement, and we have our Master of Ceremonies calling the races, Charles Parsley. I think we got some great celebrities running today. Let's get to

Charles Parsley and watch the races. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Parsley. Welcome to the Holland Highway racetrack, where we have a wonderful event time for you this evening. We have Amy Winehouse in Gate 1. We've got Kenny G. in Gate 2. We've got Oprah Winfrey in Gate 3 and Charlie Sheen in Gate 4. They're lining up. It looks like Charlie Sheen is looking a little restless here tonight. He seems to be aggravated by something. It looks like he's jumping up around in his stall. Ooh, they're having trouble keeping him in. And there they go. They're off. They're off. They're out of the gate.

Charlie Sheen has taken the lead. He's thundering down the track. And here comes Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse coming in behind. and long stringy hair sliding and dangling down the track like rotten seaweed and it looks like here comes Kenny G, Kenny G almost prancing like a ferry and here comes Oprah Winfey thundering down the track the stand shaking and rattling as she comes Amy Winehouse Amy Winehouse has just left over the fence and she's wandering around aimlessly in the middle of the infield it looks like she's laid down beside the small lake in the middle of the infield and she's lapping from the lake like a lost baby deer.

Kenny G., making his way down the track. He's pulled out a flute or a piccolo of some kind. Oh, and he's tripped. Kenny G is tripped. He's flipping over himself. Oh, and it looks like his clarinet has gone straight up his butthole. Oprah Winfey making a way down the track, thundering, and she's cut off Charlie Sheen.

She's cut right in front of Charlie Sheen. Charlie does not look happy. Charlie Sheen has grabbed her by the back of the head. He's pulled her around and for her. Charlie Sene is slapping the crap out of Oprah Winfrey. Oh, he slaps her once, he slaps her twice. It looks like Oprah Winfie has pulled out some candles and some incense. She's trying to talk sense into Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen has just kicked Oprah Winfie right in the ball sack. Oprah Winfrey is buckled over. Amy Winehouse is now floating face down in the palm in the middle of the infield. Here comes Kenny Chee trying his best to run down the track with a clarinet stuffed up his butthole. His spanked is swollen. He's walking like a crab. And Oprah Winfrey is back up. She's running to the stands and grab some popcorn and some nachos out of one of the spectators. And here comes Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen just punched himself in the face. He's so angry. And here comes Oprah coming back behind Charlie Sheen. It's going to be close. Kenny G. Oh, Kenny G just farted. It's given him a little extra push. Oh, he's spotted right through his clarinet. And it's pushed him across the finish line. Kenny G. N.G. with an extra pump of gas, pushed himself right across the finish line. And Oprah and Charlie Sheen still smacking each other down there.

What a day at the races. Thank you. I'm Charles Parsley. We'll see you next time at the Holland Highway racetrack. Oh, man. What an action-packed way to start off the show, huh, kids? How fun was that? Love it! What a race. Amy Winehouse just face down in the pool. Probably some flamingos pecking at the back of her seaweed hair.

Speaking of races, here's something that gets my heart racing. This is a true story. I went to IHop the other day, okay? I love me a stack of flapjacks. I loves me the flapjacks, right? So I'm sitting there. And this friendly waitress comes up, and I guess it's eye hop. They give them the little short sleeve I hop shirts.

And everything was fine and dandy. She's like, can I take your order, blah, blah, blah. And then she goes, oh, and here's some ketchup. And she puts a bottle of ketchup down. And I look at her forearms. And I'll be damned if her forearms, I thought it was Paul Bunyan. You know the giant lumberjack? This lady had more hair on her forearms.

I was just waiting for her to go, May I take your order, sir, please? Excuse me? I said, may I take your order? I thought you said something else. No, I just said, may I take your order, please? Okay, I'll have the slaughtered sheep, please. Pardon me?

Nothing, excellent choice. Oh, God. I mean, these arms were hairy as crap. I immediately, like, looked out the window to see if there's a big rig parked in the IHop parking lot, like a full-blown Mack truck, you know, with the cab on the back that you sleep in. I mean, this chick had some of the hairiest arms I've ever seen, hairier than Robin Williams. She was somewhere between a werewolf, a truck driver, and a lumberjack.

that should be their new uh you know they got those funny names the rudy-tootty fresh and fruity and they should have the uh hairy werewolf lumberjack truck driver special that i hop but i didn't know what to do man it was kind of like just freaked me out it's just creepy when you see a girl with giant hairy forearms man i was like look why don't i just skip the pancakes and you can come outside and help me change the tire on my pickup truck. Is that cool? Oh, that sounds great to... Me!

Oh, God. So, anyways, note to you ladies. If you got the hairy forearms, grab the nair, grab a razor. Do what you have to do, man. Get the weed whacker going. Do something. not a turn-on, not a plus, not a bonus, not feminine.

I mean, you know, if I'm out on a date with a girl like you and there'll be no holding of the hands, the only time we'd be holding, she's like, you want to hold hands? And I'm like, yeah, get them up, let's arm wrestle. So over the top, da-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha. Yeah, I'm sorry. So there you go, ladies, word to yourself, shave your forearms if they're dark and hairy.

Thank you, and good night. Yeah, I don't know if we can do this. Doesn't this violate a health code, huh, or an ethics code or something? Okay, I'll do it. We're on? Hey, folks, Harlan Williams here on the Harlan. Highway. Today we have, uh, well, I guess your name's, uh, Daniel Zimmerman. Yes. Yeah. Hi, Daniel. How are you today? Uh, I'm good. Thanks. Um, Daniel Zimmerman, uh,

says here, you're 89 years old. That's right, 89 as of last Tuesday. Well, it's, it's good to have you here. Thank you. It's good to be here. Uh, and I guess we brought you in because, and, Don't worry, Daniel. This isn't going to work, but some idiot emailed us and said that if you get a person with a pacemaker and you press your garage door opener, they do backflips. What? Don't worry, Daniel. What did you say? Nothing.

Don't worry. It's a bunch of BS. So you have a pacemaker, right? Yes, I do. Had it for 14 years. Works wonderful, just like a charm. Well, it's good to know. This is ridiculous.

Do we really have to do this? What? I'm not talking to you, Daniel. I'm talking to my producer through the glass. What about my ass? No, through the glass. You're an ass. I'm not...

Let's just get this overwept. Give me the garage door opener. So what happens? I press the garage door opener and what? This guy has a pacemaker. So he does a backflip? What? I'm not talking.

to you. All right, let's just try this. Here we go. Pressing the garage door opener. Whoa. What the hell? What the hell happened? Holy God, man. How did I get over here? You did a full-on backflit. Let me press that again. Wow. chewing up on the wall. I don't know. You just did a whole backflip. Oh, my God.

Watch out for that ceiling fan. Wow. Let's do that again. Here we go. Wow. I can't believe this work. This guy, that was a double backflip. What'd you call me?

Here, I'm pressing the button. Here, I'll press it extra hard this time. Yeah. Ah! Oh my god, he just went through the window Oh my god He went right right out the studio window I don't want to look out the window where

Oh, okay, there he is Okay He landed on a car Yeah, but he looks okay He looks okay, yeah, he's fine There he goes, the car's still gone Harlow Williams Always experimenting here on the

Highway. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And if you are going to be experimenting, can I make a recommendation? and I don't know if you folks caught the Olympics or you've ever seen the Olympics with the figure skaters.

Very elegant. But can I say something to the guys, the men, figure skaters? I respect how athletic you are. I respect the athleticism involved in having to do the jumps and the twirls and the backflips and all that stuff. Unbelievable. Okay, the average human. cannot do that, right?

But let me ask you this. With all that athleticism, do you have to come out dressed with feathers on your shirt and neon lightning bolts and tight yellow pants and, you know, tattered, you know, pastel colored shirts and your hair gelled so you look like Ellen DeGeneres or... Patty LaBelle or someone?

I don't know. Guys, do you have to come out looking so floofy? Honest to God, man. I just, it's like I want to watch it. I want to watch you guys jump around and twirl and, you know, you can see those leg muscles working and you're like, my God, how do they do this? But then they just something, they lose me.

They got more mascara on than like Pamela Anderson. and they're dressed like they're about to go to a drag show. Can we not get a guy to toughen it up a little? I'd love to see, like, you know, how about a male figure skater dressed as like a dragon? Or Darth Vader, you know, comes out in Vader's costume, or how about like a Vietnam vet, you know, just come out with black crap all over your face

and ants in your hair and an old helmet? Maybe a necklace full of ears. Ripped up pants. You got a wild look in your eye. I mean, can't we toughen it up? Can we get a guy that skates wearing like truck driver clothes? Or how about full-on hockey equipment? You know, borrow an outfit from the Montreal Canadiens or the Boston Bruins, man.

And really challenge yourself. So let me see you do your whole routine in goalie pads. Can you do that for me there? Manuel? What did you call me? Nothing. I didn't think so. I'll come over there and whip you with my feathers. But you get the point. Come on, man. Let's toughen that thing up.

It might as well just be an all-girl figure skating competition because you're wearing the same thing. It won't be long to we see the guys come out with the little tutus on and the little white undies and the nylons. I mean, we're really only like a little ways away from that.

So there you go. Man it up, guys. Man up your sport. And keep on twirling right down the Harland Highway. Hey, Harlan Williams, with you here on the Harland Highway. and about two weeks ago, I sent out the probing question,

how do you get waterproof mascara off your face? I asked you to call in. Listen to some of the insightful answers I got. The way you get mascara off is with Vasili or you don't use turpentine. Talk to you later. I'm a good one. Okay, yeah, my bad. I thought that you might use turpentine to get it off

because, you know, if water and soap can't get it, get it off. I was wrong. Okay, I'm not a girl. Who else we got? You get waterproof mascara off but using makeup remover. I makeup remover. Okay, thanks there, sexy. Next message. There is an emollient from Cover Girl. All you do is put on your finger, rub it in, and it melts that stuff away. So you wanted to know, that's your answer. Have a good day. Bye. Huh, so friendly.

Use Vaseline. Vaseline's good for everything. Vaseline will get mascara. You have a good, Harlan. Hey, lady, move out of the way. Bye, bye. Okay, thanks for that one, Road Ranger. Hey, Harlan, it's Sam. Take waterproof mascara off.

You need, is it Vaseline, or they have special creams that they make that you can put on there. Anyway, bye. Well, there's a Vaseline again. Vaseline's good for everything. Vaseline's good for everything. Okay, okay. How am I supposed to know Vaseline's good for everything? I mean, it's not like I've ever used it for anything.

I mean, right, guys? We don't know what Vaseline does, right guys? Hey, Harlan, I'm responding to how you get mascara off. My first question is why you would want to know that. And second of all, it's called eye makeup remover. Hi, Harlan. Okay, I'm not the smartest guy on the tree when it comes to eye makeup remover, but can you give me the answer with a little less attitude, please?

Eye makeup remover. Okay, yeah, thanks. That was much better. Appreciate it. Hey, how you get that makeup off is? Makeup remover. Every girl knows that. Okay, well, thanks there, Betty Grable.

There you go, folks. The way you get eye makeup remover off is with eye makeup remover. Sorry for wasting your time. Maybe tomorrow I'll ask a probing question like, how do fat girls get into jeans that are two sizes too small? Vaseline. Vaseline's good for everything. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. I forgot. Every girl knows that. Okay, so on another topic, I don't know if I told you people or not. but I have enrolled in some night classes. I'm going back to school. I am taking a sign language course, which is amazing,

and I'm taking a lip-reading course. And do you want to know why? No? Well, let me tell you anyhow. Have you been to the banks in the last, like, few years? Do you line up and go to your bank? and have you noticed that in your bank between you and the teller

is about a four foot thick plate of plexiglass bulletproof plexiglass I mean I'm telling you man this this plexiglass is thicker than the stuff they have at hockey arenas I mean who's who's handling my banking back there

the president of the United States I'd like to make a withdrawal. Yes. Well, let me finish writing my state of the union address and I'll get right to you. I mean, it's unbelievable. Talk about impersonal, man. They're behind this plexiglass shield. It's like they're in a human zoo. And you're like, hi, I'd like to make a withdrawal. And they're like giving you a sign like, like what? I can't hear you. What? I'd like to make a withdrawal, please. They point to their ears. I still can't can't hear you what louder i'd like to make a withdrawal please is that possible that i make a withdrawal i'm sorry i can't what oh my god you know what thank god you got the bulletproof glass because i'm about

to go postal on your banker ass can you believe this stuff man so i'm taking a lip reading course so now i can just you know watch their lips move and i can read what they're taking them I can follow the movement of their lips. I mean, good Lord. What do I need to take a yodeling course? I'd like to withdraw some money. Oh, lo, lo, lo, he. I'd like to make a deposit.

It's unbelievable. Thanks, bank robbers. Thanks for the inconvenience. Thanks for turning my bank personnel into mutes. Thanks for making me look like an idiot. And banking's private, right? You walk up to that window and you're like, I'd like to get $1,000 please.

Yeah, cash, make it cash. Yeah, just keep it on the down low. I don't want anyone to, you know, I don't want to walk out of here. People know I have a stack of $100 bills. Yeah, thank you. Right? Isn't it supposed to be intimate and private?

Your money matters? But now you walk. Yeah, give me $1,000 cash and $100 bills, nice and crispy. I'm going to Vegas and my, my car's in the back of the parking lot, kind of in the corner secluded, so, you know, I'll be walking through there with all that fresh money in my pocket.

Right? You're like, yeah, my house just got foreclosed and I got fired because I, you know, I was caught looking at some dirty magazines, and I molested someone, and I don't want anyone to know. so if you could give me the rest of my savings, I'm going to move to Guam and live in a shack. You know what I mean?

Do you want everyone hearing you yell your banking business? It's like you don't go to the doctor's office and you're like, hey, Doc, how are my hemorrhoids? If I'd take a look at my butt crack and tell me how those bum grapes are looking? People in the library are like, oh my God. Oh, my Christ. You know. What the hell, man?

Let's fix that, man. Bank robbers, screw off. Go rob a hockey arena, man. Go out on the ice. You got your plexiglass. Try and rob some tough-ass hockey players. See how far that gets you, you, your doorknobbs. Oh, God, all this stuff drives me crazy.

And speaking of driving me crazy, Good Lord, it's Friday. Bloody Friday. Guess what that means? The people that run this podcast, the producers, the investors, they all have to make sure that I get my on-air therapy because they think I have a nut loose

and they don't want any liability. So here we go. Here he is my bloody annoying on-air shrink. Oh, Dr. Ascot Hello, Dr. Ascot Hello, Holland. What are we doing today?

What would you like to do, Holland? What do you mean? You're leaving it up to me? Well, maybe you have something on your mind, Holland. Oh, gee, yeah, let's see. Oh, I don't know. How about um, uh, water? Yes, Holland. Talk to me about water.

Oh, I don't know. It's clear. It's, it's, when you're thirsty, you drink it. There, we're done. Can I go? I talked about water. Holland. Tell me more about this water you talk of. I was just being an idiot. I don't care about water. You should care about water, Holland. Oh, and why should I care about that? Because maybe, uh, I'm off kilter because I don't drink enough water. Dr. Ascot? Please don't raise your voice, Harland. I'm sorry, but how does water relate to anything that I... Arland. You were born inside your mother's womb and surrounded by water when you were just an embryo.

Yeah, and so were you, Dr. Ascott. Exactly, Arland. Okay, and the point is... Holland, please don't question. What do you mean? Don't question. You just made this big statement about me being an embryo surrounded by water and somehow water affects me? Holland.

What? I can't answer water questions for you. I don't have a question. You just somehow said that... Holland. What? Have you ever been on a water slide, Holland? Yes, I've been on a water slide.

There's your answer There's my answer Okay, good Thanks for coming in, boy I just feel if anyone ever thought I was nuts There's no way they could now I mean I talked about water I think somehow

Holland Yes Don't mark the sessions And we'll have to do it again No no no no we're not going to do it again Water thank you doctor Thank you, Arland. This has got to end soon.

I think I'll go get a drink. Not water, just some milk. That's a good boy, Arland. We'll see you next week. Have a good one on the Harland Highway. Oh, man. Shut up. Yep, we will be back next week. and so glad you are riding along with me down the highway,

encountering all the freaks and maniacs and joining into our stories and observations and comments on life, on society, on people, on places, on things. And speaking of people and places and things, my friends, I want to alert you to, my next live stand-up appearance, which is in Washington, D.C. I'm here now in D.C. You can catch me tonight, Washington, D.C. at the D.C. Improv. I'm here tonight. Saturday night, two shows, Sunday one show. And, of course, I have two shows tonight. So if you get the chance, come out and see me. It's a great club, great venue. We're going to have a

a great time and if you don't live in the neighborhood let people know who do and then don't forget April 2nd I'm at the Paramount Theater in Anderson Indiana gorgeous amazing theater and on April 3rd the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio, another gorgeous theater. Get your tickets. We're going to be doing stand-up comedy and improv comedy all in one show. Nobody does that. Just your truly it's going to be a great time so uh go to harland williams.com and click on my stand-up schedule and you can get all the ticket and showtime information and i hope i see you out there we'll be doing a meet and greet after the show doing autographs and pictures and all that fun stuff and uh it's been a pleasure uh hope you had a good time looking forward to next week have a great

weekend um drink lots of water allan i'm just saying alland i'm just saying drink lots of water and go swimming alland and have a shower alland and have a bath allan shut up go waterboard yourself sounds good all and i'll see you later yeah goodbye and goodbye to you uh until next time get a big glass of water and a big bowl of chicken chow maine baby