The Harland Highway - Podcast 85

Episode Date: March 15, 2010

St. Patricks Day, leprechaun guest, Sex crime, Spring break, and driving frustrations. Slurp it nice! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

oh hello everybody and welcome to the harland highway um wow what a show we're amping up we're ramping up and we're plamping up and that last word was made up for st patrick's day which is going to be upon us just around the corner uh which leads me into today's show we're going to be talking about st patrick's day how you feel about it um This goes against what I wanted to do, but the producers of the show insisted that I actually interview a real live leprechaun. So there's a leprechaun coming in. I don't know how it's going to go.

I already don't like it, but he's going to be here. And then we're going to be talking about something that's a little sensitive, a little serious. We're going to be talking about sexual predators, what to do with these repeat sex offenders? how do we as a society handle them as these crimes against innocent people seem to be getting more and more severe and happening more and more frequently? We're going to be talking about spring break, which is pretty much almost here. We're going to be talking about cyclists and drivers who wins, who loses right here on the

Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn When you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routerspin and I'm your friend Writing down the Harlan Highway

I'm not your daddy Well, well, well St. Patrick's Day coming up Are you going to get involved in the St. Patty's Day tradition? We are. Later in the show, I am going to be actually interviewing a leprechaun. An Irish, a real live Irish leprechaun is going to be here. I'm going to do a one-on-one.

I've never interviewed a leprechaun before. So make sure you come back and listen to that. But in the meantime, you're going to do the thing where, you know, you put the green on, you know, you put the green sweater on, or you wear the green. green hat, or you got the green socks, or the green undies? Are you one of these weasels that doesn't even remember St. Patrick's Day? You're just walking around, and some goes, hey, it's St. Patty's Day. And you're like, oh, yeah, and then you quickly scan your whole body.

You look to see if there's any green at all, even the threads on your buttonhole. And you're like, oh, yeah, man, yeah, I knew it was St. Patty's Day. Look, right here. look at me i got the green uh the the threads my buttonholes man i'm i'm full-blown irish yay saint patty yay oh i got a green uh highlighter in my pocket here i was doing some irish highlighting earlier so yeah yeah hey hey nice try buddy the only green you have is the big booger up your nose and what's cool for me is i'm uh i'm part irish like i'm on my mother's side, her maiden name is O'Donnell.

So I guess the downside is that means somewhere along the line I'm related to Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, God, no. But what I was wondering, is it awkward for other cultures, other races, other religions? Is it a weird day when all these Irish people are out running around and celebrating? And if you're like Portuguese or you're Scottish or you're Australian, mate, you know, you're just sitting on the sidelines watching the Irish people. But if you're Scottish, you're just watching a damn Irish jump around. Right?

Well, you're so jamans and you've got what is those Irish people doing? This is not like Octoberfest at all. We do not wear leotards. I don't know. Is it weird? Does it make people feel isolated? Does it single them out? It's almost like,

Hey, all you guys are going to a party and I'll just stand here and look in the window because I'm Norwegian. I've got meatballs. Hey, we don't watch your meatballs by. We don't even watch your green bear and stuff thereby. Okay, I'll eat my meatballs out here in the cold. Oh, you better.

You better be eating your meatballs. out there because we don't want no Norwegians in here at the St. Patty Day's events. I don't know. What do you think of St. Patty's Days? You want to give me a call? 323-215-1486? Does it rub you the wrong way? Does it rub you the right way?

I think it's cool. There's something, I mean, outside of the bombings and the blowing zops and the murders from the IRA, you know, during those violent years. I think we all agree there's something a little charming about the Irish. They're kind of unsuspecting. The Irish, they seem like kind of quaint and sweet and pale skin and little rosy cheeks and they're skipping around in the potatoes. You know, you don't really want to associate them with violence or anything like that or organized crime. But I guess every side of any culture has that but for the most part i think we think of irish as lovable and fuddy and likable and charming and notice i'm using all these great words because as i said

earlier i'm part irish hello well enough of me talking about it let's get to a real 100% purebred irish as i said i'm doing an interview with an irish guy let's get them in here we got us a leprechaun Hello! A real live leprechaun here in studio today. How are you doing there? I think your name is Kringy McRingles? Aye, it's Kringy McRingles. Wow, and you're a lepricron.

Aye, that I be. I'm a lepricon. And you're short. How tall are you? Well, now you're getting personal, and I'll kick you right between the legs. A hearse, tarp, a girth-d-d-d-d-darf. I beg your pardon? A girfty, darfty, garfdy, garfdy, garfdy, gertie, gertie gertie. Okay, I didn't know what that meant, but, uh, so what's it like being a leprechaun?

I mean, do you, uh, what do you do? You run around and you, uh, put curses on people and... Well, we run around, we do the thing, the guy, we get the lucky clover, so we need the barsdy, garst, garst, garst, garst, garst, garst, garst, garsdy, garsdy, garsdy, garsty, garsdy. Do you guys have your own language or what? Shiver me timbers over the rainbow. Scarfty, darfty, scarty, garfty, garfty. Okay, I don't, this is going nowhere fast. Siver me timber, shimmer, shirmy timber.

Garfty, garfty, garthy, garthy, garthy. Oh, man. Okay, this is turning into a real nightmare. Maybe I'll put a curse on you. Hicy, barsty, varsity, varsity, varsity. Oh, stop it. Farsty, garsty, garsty, garsty. Go back over the rainbow, find your pot of gold and go sit on it.

Okay, that didn't go quite. as well as I'd hoped. Uh, that guy, I was a little annoying, wouldn't you say? Uh, God. Wow, what an odd guy. He had little, uh, buckley shoes on and that little green derby hat and just the craziest, like almost brownish, red, messy eyebrows. I don't know, man.

I don't know. Will we bring that guy back later? I'm not sure. Maybe he'll be back for more. but creepy um in speaking of creepy um i got to talk about pedophiles man that every time i turn on the news there's another like creepy pedophile that's up to something or there's a child molester a sexual predator and there was just this story in the news where some beautiful girl who was in the Los Angeles Symphony.

She was like 18 at her whole life ahead of her, talented. And I guess some sexual predator guy that was in the California prison system, you know, was supposed to be in there for like 15 years. They did some kind of plea bargain. The guy got out. Apparently over the last few years, he's attacked a few girls in the park

that they kind of didn't know about. And now he's finally gone the full step, and he's murdered a beautiful, innocent girl. Good Lord, man. You know, and the parents went on the pedophile watch list, and, you know, you can go on the computer on the Internet, and you can pinpoint where all the sexual predators and deviants are in your community. Apparently, this guy lived near a school, and apparently there's, like, 120 other people that showed up in this general area. oh my god so when does the sympathy stop for these useless morons and i'm not going to sugarcoat it i know there's probably someone sitting there going right now other human beings

they've got problems screw them i don't give a crap about their problems i don't care that they're human beings i really don't because when you take someone else's life when you violate an innocent child of an innocent person. You're not a human being. What do we do when a pit bull attack someone? What do we do when a dog bites us? What do we do when a deer wanders out of the forest and puts his antlers through somebody's butt?

We put them down. We shoot them. We go, you know what? They're not fit for society. Gone. So how many more beautiful, innocent, wonderful boys, women, men, girls have to be on the serving platter

of these repeat offender losers that have no place in society. I'm sorry they were born with a nut loose. Okay? And maybe it's not their fault. Okay, granted. Not everything comes out of the assembly line, you know, picture perfect.

Look at Toyota and all their recalls. But I think the data is in. on the recalling of sexual predators and child molesters. The list of repeat offenders, the percentage of these creeps that just go right back to it, it's just too much. It's too much. It's too predictable.

Something's got to change. And I'm sorry, like, even if you're a first-time offender, what side of the train tracks do you come from where you don't get it that you don't have sexual intercourse with a three-year-old or a five-year-old or a nine-year-old? What world do you live in where you don't understand that? I'm sorry, there's no excuse you have that I will buy. Wow, I just, you know what?

I'm going to say, bring back the firing squads. I got no time, and I don't even have kids. Now, imagine families that have kids. Imagine if you listening right now have a kid. Imagine if you are listening right now and you have a kid that was abused, raped, murdered. Where do you go from there? How do you heal? How do you ever get it back when your child is abused or exterminated?

It's just, I am sorry. I'm sorry for the kids And I'm sorry But I have no patience For rehabilitating these people There's a my buddy My goofy buddy used to say this to me all the time And I guess it's come back around

It makes me laugh He goes whenever something happened He'd say Or whenever we talked about something like this He'd go, you know what? There's enough humans There really are enough humans There's enough of us here that if guys like this can't function,

I'm not going to miss them, right? And you may think I sound cold and uncompassionate. No, but my compassion lies with the victims. My compassion lies with innocent people. I don't have compassion for evil-doers that perpetuate their evilness onto other people. Wow, heavy, right?

Well, it was that damn leprechaun set me off, man. He got me all, like, creeped out and freaked out. And then I went on this tirade, and I guess there was some stuff in the news, and, you know, I'm not apologizing. I'm just saying that's where it all came from. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, I know there's people that are going to disagree. I mean, listen, there's people that stood outside of the prison when Ted Bundy was getting fried

and we're like, it's wrong, don't kill. Murdering murderers. equals murder killing others doesn't solve killing no you know what ted bundy i don't even want god get into it some people got it coming man hello all right we got a ship gears this is getting too heavy i don't mean to bring you down it's just you know when you get on a roll when when something hits you let it flow man that's that's that's purity that's that's podcast broadcasting right there. But I don't mind hearing your opinion.

Remember, this is just my opinion. I'm not saying I'm right. I'm not saying I'm wrong. I'm just expressing. So I don't want people phoning me and going, you're an idiot, you're a moron, screw you. If you want a phone and make a comment about it, then express your opinion.

If your opinion is counter to my opinion, I'm happy to hear it and play it. I love it. No need for name, Colin. No need for anger. It's about talking about what's in your mind, in your heart, and I can handle it. I'm not going to chop you down for your opinion.

I might disagree, but I'm not going to get volatile about it. So I'm interested in your opinion on that topic. What do we do with these sickos? 323-215-14-86. and you can give me a serious answer. You can even give me a funny answer. I don't care. I just want to hear what's on your mind

see if people out there think the way I do where, you know, I feel like we've hit a wall where we've spent many decades, you know, showing compassion and believing that these people can readjust. But I think all the gravestones, up down up and down the graveyard prove that that theory is wrong and that that theory is resting on the shoulders of a bunch of young snuffed out lives all right i said i was getting

off of this call me three to three two one five one four eight six do we dare go back to that leprechaun let all right let's try it again let's let's go let's try and get back to see if this leprechaun can cheer us up for St. Patty's Day. Okay, so St. Patrick's Day is coming up, and we attempted to have an interview with this guy, a actual real live leprechaun to kind of celebrate the Irish and St. Patrick's Day. I don't know if he was drunk or he was boozed up. I don't know, but we got him back again. Welcome back to the show.

I forget your name. They call me Skinkies McGillicati. Okay, Skinkie's McGillicuddy. I think your name was different last time, but... Oh, it's Skinkies McGillacutty. Okay, so what's the deal with St. Patrick's Day? What's it all about? Well, shiver me timbers and glorkty, glorkty, glorkty, glarkty.

Okay, don't start this crap again with me. I'm not sure what crap you're talking about. You know, all the jibberish and the Irish leprechaun stuff. Well, shiver me timbers, gorkty, squarkty, glorkty, gorkty, skarkty, gorkty. Ah, come on, man. It's not like I want you here You know they're making me interview you And you're just not making it easy

By being an idiot Oh shiver me timbers, I'm not an idiot Roll me through the clover And skortty gorkty gorkty gorkty All right, that's it You're out of here Where over the rainbow? Sclarkty dorkty No, not over the rainbow

Sclorkty dorkty dorkty Well in the pot of gold then Sclarka darky garky gorky No Not in the pot of gold Not over the rain, you're out my door You're out my door you little green freak Shiver me timbers

Skarkety gorky, gorky, garky, garky, garky, garky. Get out of here. Somewhere over the rainbow, skarky, darky. Get out of here, freak. Green midget freak. Shiver me timbers. Scarkety darky, garkty, garkty. Get out of here.

Unbelievable. It's Harlan Williams looking for a four-leaf clover here on the Harland Highway. Get out of here. Okay, so is this a weird podcast or what? I'm shuffling between an Irish leprechaun. and talking about pedophiles and things like that. But maybe I came up with a solution, a possible solution to help with the pedophile thing,

you know, just help us all identify them easier. See if you agree with me. Listen to this. Yo, yo, you're riding along with Harland Williams here. Look at the license plate of, the person in front of you. What does it say? Is it a customized license plate?

Does it say, I love dogs or number one hubby or something like that? Well, soon enough you might be seeing a different breed of personalized license plate. Apparently, some cities are thinking about making it mandatory that sex offenders have custom license plates. Do we really want that, huh? Do you want a license plate that says, I am a purve? You know, license plate that says Boo Radley?

Maybe they should have a long license plates. You know those European license plates that have like 79 letters and numbers in them? Keep away, I am a greasy, perverted weasel. I can't function in society, and so I'm taking it out on you and your families and your children and I am a slime ball. Now there's a license plate. We'd know how to steer clear and be safe from all the freaks.

And that goes for you little partiers that go out of state for spring break. Watch yourselves, you know, if you're heading down to Mexico or you're heading down to Florida. just be cognizant of your surroundings of the people around you, of people offering you rides, offering you drinks. I know I sound like your dad. I sound like an old man, but God, here I go back to the other thing. I just can't handle one more story of a beautiful young girl or a guy or somebody just being kidnapped or murdered or it doesn't it seem like it's just.

Just amping up, it's getting to be more and more. Oh, God. So be careful because, as I said, it's almost spring break. Yeah, I think we should all just get in a big bus and roll down to Florida and put on our bikinis and put a funnel. our mouths and just start pouring the tequila and then let's all jump around like a bunch of nutbags screaming and shouting and block out a week of our lives erase it from our memories isn't that pretty much what happens on spring break just jumping around and screaming and eating chicken wings and vomiting in the corner of a motel 6.

It's out of control. Spring break. I should call it spring blotto, man. It's what it is. Just a big week of blotto. How is your spring break, man? What are you talking about? Well, you want to wait for a week to Florida, man.

How was it? I did. Where was I? Florida. Oh, really? What do you mean? When did that happen? He went for spring break for a whole week to Florida.

Come on. Yeah, you did. Look, here's your boarding pass, your airline itinerary. What the? How did my name get on this? Because you went, stupid. What I did? I don't remember a thing.

Well, that means you had a good spring break, I guess. Yeah, I guess. Weird. Maybe we should just be on a spring, summer, winter, and fall break. Make the whole year a party. Yeah. Yeah, it's always a party. I guess I was talking about license plates earlier, is on cars.

And here's something, going back to cars, man. Is this happen to you, and I'm sure it has if you drive, or even if you've been a passenger, you ever get in a place where there's a lot of bike traffic? You're in a busy city like San Francisco or New York or Boston, somewhere where, you know, quarters are cramped. Things are tight. There's traffic. There's cars and trucks and taxis mingling with the odd person riding a bike. You know, and one of these guys on a bike that take it way too seriously, like they're in New York. And they got a tight spandex, you know, outfit on and they got a helmet. they got the little mirror on their bike and they get the little flashers on their bikes right and you get in traffic and you're motoring along and you're not going very fast and all of a sudden the guy on the bike pedals past you and you're like wait a minute okay i'm driving a mercedes bends i've got a finely engineered german vehicle with a top

spedometer or adometer reading of like 220 miles an hour and some nerd from Starbucks just peddled past me on his bike but then you're like okay then the traffic picks up a bit and you go past them and you go okay right okay that's the way it should be motor vehicle beats guy on bike and then you hit a red light and the guy on the bike passes you again and because he's on a bike he goes right through the red light so he gains a little more ground on you

and then you play this game all the way along and you're almost at the point where you just want to ram the guy on the bike you're like dude stop freaking passing me in your little tight pants your little spandex outfit

I am in a $70,000 sports car thank you your um your $99 bike you bought at big five is a slap in my face it's an insult and then he passes you again and again and again isn't it maddening oh it's frustrating maybe bike bicyclists should wear those old-fashioned um underpants you know the old long johns the full buddy long johns with the flap at the back so they can undo the flap and their butt cheek show so there should be a rule after they pass you like five times anytime after that

they have to undo the flap so that any time they go by after that they just automatically moon you and rub it in your face hey loser look i gave you five blocks and i kept passing you so talk to my ass Talk to my chapped 10-speed bike seat ass. Yuck. Ew. So anyways, there you go. The equalities and the inequalities of motor vehicles versus bicycling. Right there.

The pep peeves. But let's move on to the end of the show here. I'm getting geared up for St. Patty's Day. I hope you are, too. Again, sorry about that annoying leprechaun. I have a feeling my producers are going to make me interview him again in two days on St. Patrick's Day. But meanwhile, if you want some real laughs, you can catch me at the Tampa Improv Thursday, March 18th through Sunday the 21st

down in Tampa, Florida. In fact, double-checked that. It might actually be only the 19th through the 21st. Check my website, harloweems.com. Either way, I'm going to be at the improv in Tampa, Florida, this weekend coming up. And don't forget, my theater shows

in Anderson, Indiana, April 6th. Second, and the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio, April 3rd, going to be killer, man. Check them out. I hope you had a good time on the show today. It was a little polar opposite, shall we say, going from St. Patrick's Day to an intense conversation about pedophiles and sexual predators, but it all needs to be addressed. the good, the bad, the funny, the unfunny. And I'm losing my voice here.

I don't know why. It's because I'm all fired up, man. That stupid leprechaun took it out of me. We'll catch you next time. It's me, your humble host, Harlow Williams, and you've been listening to the Harlan Highway. Until next time, chicken chow, main, baby, and make it green. Shiver me timbers.

Cockety, darky, garkty, garky, garky. here!