The Harland Highway - Podcast 86

Episode Date: March 17, 2010

St. Pattys Day, pilot season, speaking, news anchors, and a visit from two really annoying guests! Have a green one man! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy, what a show we have today. Possibly the most annoying show ever. Just be pre-warned. A couple of characters coming in here today that I personally would shoot if I had the chance. I don't even want to tell you who they are because just mentioning them makes me sick. So let's move on.

They're going to be here. I'm going to be talking about pilot season, which is the time of year in Hollywood, when all these sitcoms and new shows get cast. I'm going to be talking about St. Patrick's Day because today is the day. I'm going to be talking about the history of the day, the history of St. Patrick himself. And we're going to be talking about speaking, what I'm doing right now. And we're going to be talking about how some people aren't good speakers,

like some of the news anchors on TV. But hopefully you think I'm a good speaker, because here we go. We're getting ready to go down the hall of the highway. Wait now, welcome to the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harlan Highway. Oh, it's lovely.

It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Rompspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hey, Harlan Williams here, rolling with you on the Harland Highway. You know, we try to provide solid entertainment here.

We try to have stellar guests on the show. And I guess we had someone on the show that really rubbed people the wrong way. We got tons of letters and emails. I mean, people hated this guy. I don't know. I mean, I didn't like him much. either, but he wasn't that bad. I mean, I had this leprechaun in. So last week, we decided to interview a real live... Hold on. There's someone at my door. Who is it?

Well, shiver me timbers and roll me in the clover. Slorke-darkty-darkty-darkty-darkty. Oh, my God. What are you doing here? Well, I thought I heard you say my name, the lepracron. Skinkies McGinty. And here I am, Slorty, dorky, dorky, dorky. Okay, you know what? No one invited you here. I just appear magically when I hear my name Skinkies McGinty the leprechauncty glarkty Yeah, okay, listen buddy The point I was making is no one really liked you

And you offended a lot of people Well, shiver me timbers Yeah, and shiver me timbers Is not Irish Okay, that's something pirates say Well, swap the deck and land ho Sclarkty, darky, sclarkty. All right, dude, look, I can see why people hate you

And... Well, if people are going to hate me, I'll put a curse on y'all. Oh, you're going to put a curse on us. And what pray tell will that be? I'll make an appearance on your cheesy-ass show once a week. And squarkty-dorke-d-d-darkty, squarkty, squirtty, squarkty-d-darkty. All right, get out of here. Dorkidy, squarkety-d-d-d-darky.

Get out of here. Take your curled-up curly elf shoes with you. Flarkty-d-Darkty-Dark. Get out of here. Skinkies McGinty. great now we're cursed this guy's going to show up once a week with his irish crap way to go people thanks for writing in thanks for complaining you see what complaining get you it just get you more of the same we're unlucky here on the harland highway i'll bring you lots of luckie darkly i'm a

lucky leprickon's glarty darky wow that guy is aggravating to say the least Oh, well, it's a good thing St. Patrick's only comes around once a year, right? Because that freak could really start to grind my gearbox. But I'll tell you what, I got to share a little story with you here. I'll tell you something else that can grind the gearbox. It can be tense, nerve-wracking, even worse than a cranky leprechaun. They have a thing here in Hollywood called pilot season, and it's not like a strawberry festival at the airport, okay? Pilot season is a block of time, usually between like mid-January to, I don't know, the end of March maybe, maybe middle of May at the latest,

where television networks get all their pilots, their new shows together, and they start casting them all over Hollywood, right? And it can be a very busy time of year, especially if you're a popular actor. I mean, you can get called from pilot to pilot to pilot, sometimes two, three in a day. You can find yourself running all over the city,

trying to memorize scripts, trying to memorize lines. So for people that think, you know, it's easy for actors, it's not. You are under a lot of stress. You're running around. You're trying to remember a bunch of different scripts. You're trying to get off book, which means memorize your lines. And it's a panic. But what happens with the pilot process so that you can get on a sitcom or an hour-long drama

or whatever the show is, you go in for that initial read. Okay, and then if they like you, you know, you go home for a few days. If they like you, then the producers call you back. Then you go back and read, again, for more people involved. All right, and again, this is you standing in a room. You walk into a cold room where casting people and directors

and writers and producers are all. squished together on a couch and on chairs, there can be anywhere from four to 12 people in that room. And you just walk in that door, and they don't really have the time of the patience to be all codly and cuddly, and how's it going? What are you doing? You know, they do their best,

but they just see person after person, so they run out of time for that. So you're pretty much walking into this room, and there's some kid, you know, with zits or something running a video camera. And then there's the casting director who reads with you. And he or she may be a man or a woman, even though the character you're supposed to be reading with is a man or a woman.

They don't care. You could be having a big scene with a dude and you're sitting there with the female casting person. So there's all these elements that come into play, that make it nerve-wracking, horrifying, uncomfortable, weird. It's just probably one of the most horrible things in the world, the auditioning process. You've got to, as an actor, you've got to find ways to almost make it enjoyable for yourself, amuse yourself, have fun with it.

But it is nerve-wracking. It is like standing in front of the firing squad with everything there but the bullets. and believe me, if looks could kill, some of the looks you get from various people in the room, those looks are as piercing as bullets. All right, so then you do that initial read, and like I said, if they like you, they call you back, then you got to go all the way back, sometimes drive all the way across L.A. You go in and you read again for more people. And then you could go in a third time, a fourth time.

usually it's usually about two but then if they like you you sometimes have to do a work session with the whole group they bring you in and try to tweak things that you did but then what they do is they test you at the studio okay now a studio is like Warner brothers or Fox or Sony a studio is just half the equation of the pilot process or the show process. The studio are the people that, you know, help finance and so on and so forth. So when you test, when everyone's signed off that you're the guy, then they test you.

And testing means you now go in and read yet another time, but this time it's in front of all the important studio executives that basically say nay or yay if you're going to keep going. And it's usually in a little theater at a studio and now there's about like 20, 25 people in there. And it couldn't be more nerve-wracking because now the stakes are ratcheted up and just to make it even more intimidating

before you go in and read for the studio, They present you with your contracts, a six-year contract, should the thing go to a series. So they make you sign your life away, you sign for your fee, you sign for this, you sign for that. So now you've signed for this thing before you go in. So it feels like it's a done deal, but it's not. Because you're not the only one going in. When you test, you're usually like the cream of the crop, and they whittle it down to, like, like three or four people, parole.

So now they've got you out in the lobby, signing your deals in front of the other actors that you're competing against, and you're all kind of looking at each other, sizing each other up, wondering who's going to do what. I mean, it is just crazy. It is crazy. So, again, before you think about becoming an actor, you know, I hope I'm giving you a little bit of behind the scenes. information about how it all works how nerve-wracking it is how difficult it is okay and then after all that they may choose to screen test you so let's say the studio is sony they like you and they go okay we really like them now we want to put them on camera for real so then they set up some nice cameras

and they screen test you to see how you read on camera okay so let's say that's done so now you've done the studio, you've done the screen test, now you have to go to the network, which is, you all know them, Fox, NBC, CBS, you know, all those big television studios. So now you have to do everything you've already done, and now you have to do it all again in another room full of 20, 30 people. And these are all the big top executives from the television network. and so now you're being judged and watched by them and then if they like you is this getting long-winded or what

if they like you then you're through and that's it that's the final hoop you're done although they could shoot the pilot and then realize they don't really like you and fire you and bring in someone new which believe it or not happens all the time and the reason I'm telling you all this

is because all this that I just told you happened to me in the last, like, 38 hours. The last two days, I have been running from studio to studio, testing, screen testing, signing deals, reading for everybody. Oh, and I still have a few more hoops to go. Oh, and you can hear it my voice. It is hard. It's kind of exciting. It's hard. It's a challenge. I mean, what in life isn't? But if you squeak through, it is like winning the lottery. I've been on a few sitcoms where I've made it through. And, man, oh man. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, better sex is just a click away. That's 50% off.

One item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So there you go. There's my little story. And I say since it's St. Patrick's Day, maybe I will have some Irish luck and you'll see me on a sitcom next season.

Or maybe we could have bad luck and that damn leprechaun could come back into the studio right about now. God. I really don't want this guest in here again, but it is St. Patty's Day this weekend. I guess if I have them now, I don't ever have to see him again. So here he is for the last time before St. Patty's Day. It's this leprechaun guy that's been coming in. Shiver me timbers. Furly glarkly, storkly, florclay. Okay. Are you going to start in with that leprechaun talk right away? Well, roll me over in a four-leaf clover. Slorkely, florcly, clarkly, clarkly, clarkly, clarkly. All right, come on, man.

Can we just talk, mano, oh, mano, and you can knock off the Irish gibberish? Surely, you're not talking about my gibberish in a way that makes me feel like I'm all gibberishie ebressy, sclurcly, florcly, gibberishly, giddishly orcly? Oh, come on, man. Wait a minute. Yes, sclorkly? Well, wait a minute, what's that seam on the side of your face? Shiver me timbers, I don't know what you're talking about there, slorkely, thirty. Wait a minute.

Come here. What is this? A rubber mask? What the hell? Who the hell's under here? Oh, my God. Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy. Oh, you little weasel. I love cinnamon.

So it was you under here the whole time pretending you're a leprechaun. My name's cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon. Slarkty, florky. Slarkdy, clarkley. Oh, this tops it all. Get out of here, you freak.

Slarkty, forkly, slorckley, florclarkly. Cinnamon, winemann, cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon, boy, you freak. Unbelievable, guys been coming here all week disguised as a leprechaun. Gotta talk to security at this place. Unbelievable, I can't even... I'm cinnamon, boy, get out of here. Happy St. Patty's Day, everybody. Hope it's better than mine.

Shiver me timbers, larky, larky, glarky. Get out of here! Okay, well, I think maybe it's... It's important that since it is, you know, St. Patrick's Day, that I actually, you know, inform you of what the day is, a little bit of the history of the day. St. Patrick's Day is celebrated on March 17th, obviously, his religious feast day, and the anniversary of his death in the 5th century. So I guess St. Patrick was a guy, obviously. I don't know the history behind him. I'm just talking about the day, so maybe I should find out about him.

The Irish have observed this day as a religious holiday for over a thousand years. What the hell? A thousand years. How old are these Irish people, man? The United States isn't even 300 years. years the hell um the day falls during the christian season of lent irish families would traditionally attend church in the morning and celebrate in the afternoon lenten prohibitions against the consumption of meat were waived and the people would dance drink and feast on the

traditional meal of irish bacon and cabbage so i guess the day after st pat Patrick's Day is St. Fart Day. How is your St. Patrick's Day there, Jimmy? Ooh, mine too. Oh, just wonderful. There's the old Irish bacon and cabbage. So there you go, a little bit of history. And later in the show, I'll actually find out a little bit about St. Patrick himself

and give you that information. so you're in the know. I know a lot of you might not be Irish, but come on, let's celebrate all the cultures here. Okay, let's pretend we care. You know, going to McDonald's and getting a shamrock shake is not sharing St. Patrick's Day. Let's get a little knowledge under our belts and I'll do some research. In the meantime, check this out. Hello, welcome to Annunciation 3.07. Today we will be focusing on the word roast beef. Let's say it all together, shall we? Roast

beef. Again, roast beef. Say it like you mean it. Roast beef. Roast beef. One more time, please. Roast beef. A roast beef Really drag it out this time people Roast beef

Roast beef Roast beef And put a little song in it this time Shall we Roast beef Roast beef With little flair people Roast

A beef Roast beef And one last time for Good measure before we finish up. A roast beef. A roast, a beef. Very good. Thank you for attending.

We'll catch you next time. When we'll work on the words, Brussels Sprout. It's the Holland Highway. Okay, here we go. Here we go. A little information on good old St. Patrick. St. Patrick was the patron

saint of Ireland. He's one of Christianity's most widely known figures. But for all his celebrity, his life remains somewhat of a mystery. Yeah, I didn't really know what his day-to-day routine was. Many of the stories traditionally associated with St. Patrick, including the famous account of him banishing all the snakes from Ireland are false. The product of hundreds of years, of exaggerated storytelling. That's kind of weird, you know, banishing snakes from Ireland. I mean, how many possible breeds of snakes can there be on that island? Imagine that. How do you banish all? All right, all of you, I see you.

You there hiding in the grass. You there, coiled around those mushrooms. I see you. You up in the pine tree. Come on. On down, you're all banished. What? No way. Yes, you're all banished. Boo!

Don't hiss at me. Boo! You're all off the island. I'm St. Patrick. Boo, you suck, man. I said, stop hissing at me. Come on, you two. You two hiding in the old pale.

Off with you. I don't know. That's not very nice. you don't notice I's stumbling my lines there as I was reading isn't that annoying I annoyed myself it's like how hard is it to read lines off a page yet somehow I failed miserably there

I was like the patron saint of I Aeroland I patron Ireland okay me it's okay I don't get paid to read off the page One of the aspects of news that drives me insane. And I have to say there's a lot more of it on cable news and there is on network news. These newscasters that cannot get through a segment without slurring a word, mispronouncing a word, screwing up a word, screwing up a sentence, stuttering, fumbling.

I mean, that is what you're paid for, really. You don't create the news, you don't make the news, you don't make the graphics. You really are just there to read when you're an anchor, okay? Read off the teleprompter. There is nothing easier than reading off a teleprompter. There are certain news anchors that are just, they're so bad I can't watch them. There's a guy on Fox named Shepard Smith, charismatic, Kind of funny, handsome-looking guy.

You can tell why you got the gig. He's got a little bit of personality, a little bit of flair. Watch Shepard Smith on Fox, okay? I challenge you to see him get through one story without fumbling. Just listen to his words. He's constantly saying things wrong, reading things wrong, pronouncing things wrong. In fact, forget about a segment. I would say about every second to third sentence out of his mouth,

he flubs. And I'm not even exaggerating. Please check it out. There's another young guy on CNN. I can't remember his name because I can't watch him. He's a young black guy. It looks a little bit like Obama a little bit. He's kind of, you know, young, good-looking kid,

and he's horrible. I don't know how he has the job since every time I see him, this guy messes up. And he's one of these guys that kind of sings his way through it. He goes, today at the White House there was someone upside down on the front. Oh, wait, someone was inside the White House today. You know, he kind of does a little, you know, I don't know what a little like tonally tone dance,

verbal tone dance and tries to get out of it, but it's glaringly obvious. How inepty is it reading? I don't know how it has a job. There's another one on Fox Jane Skinner, who's much better but still makes her fair share of mistakes. And it just turns me off. It makes me not want to watch them.

Makes them sound unintelligent. And, you know, how hard is it to read off a teleprompter? For those of you that have never looked in a teleprompter, it's like a sheet of glass and all the things you have to read are spelt out by computer in really big letters. Really, really big letters. And basically, some guy in the booth just scrolls what you have to read across this glass. So you're staring right into the camera. and you're reading off glass that's moving for you.

You don't even have to, like, move your head. Everything just rolls by your eyes. So all you have to do is go, today in southern France, somebody jumped out of their boat and fell in the water and died. They paddled and paddled, but they were dead. So you know what I mean? So it's like you just read.

So there you go. That's my beef. That's my ruse. a beef for today. And as always, I always try to enunciate here for you at the Harlan Highway and do a good job. And speaking of communicating, let me communicate this to you, my friends. I will be doing stand-up comedy in Tampa, Florida this weekend, the 19th, the 20th, the 21st, Tampa, Florida, the improv comedy comedy.

club check me out or if you don't live there tell friends that do live there um you can go to harlun williams.com check my stand-up schedule for tickets and showtimes and then don't forget april second i will be in anderson indiana at the paramount theater gorgeous theater oh my god you have a killer show and then uh april third saturday night will be in uh Columbus Ohio at the southern theater, another gorgeous theater. So get there and enjoy, man. It's going to be good. And for now, I will close by wishing each and every one of you, whether you're Irish or any other nationality,

happy St. Patrick's Day to you. Have a glass of green beer and whatever you do, don't go and pee in the Incredible Hulk's Garden. Until next time, everybody, I'm Harland Williams. Thanks so much for joining me here on the Harland Highway. And we'll see you soon. Until then. Chicken chow main, baby. Shiver me timbers.

Furly glarkly, storkly, flercly, florley. Roll me over in a four-leaf clover. Slarkly, florquely, clarkly, clarkly, colloquy.