The Harland Highway - Podcast 87

Episode Date: March 19, 2010

Handicap parking spots and drivers, comas and sleeping, TV distractions, and Dr. Ascot. Swelled up meat monkeys! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, what a show we have for you today. And today I'm going to be talking about maybe a touchy topic. I don't know. You'd be the judge. I'm going to be talking about wheelchair parking spots, handicapped parking spots and handicapped drivers. We're going to be talking about comas. Have you ever been in a coma? Are you in one right now?

Is that why you listen? And what do you do when you come out of a coma? Right? We're going to be talking about sleeping habits, hotels. And then last of all, it's Friday, so I have to go see my moron therapist, Dr. Ascot. Never fun, but nonetheless, you're going to have fun right here on the Harlan Highway. You kindly shut your mouth.

On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Arland. I'm Teddy Romp Spin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy.

Oh, yes, indeed. Welcome to the show. And right out of the gate, I got to talk about something that's been disturbing me, okay? Are handicapped parking spots getting disproportionate to the amount of people that actually require them? I mean, first of all, how often do you see someone in a handicapped spot? It's not a lot, okay? It's more rare than it is common, okay? Granted, we need them, but how much do we need them?

How many do we need to have, okay? You know, it used to be a time when there was one or two in a parking lot, at a mall and you know they'd get used they wouldn't get used i go to places now and i'm not kidding there's whole rows parking rows of handicapped spots i go to home depo the home depot by my house i think there's close to 15 or 20 down it's almost a whole line of handicapped spots and i'm thinking And okay, if you're handicapped, okay, and you've got like a leg missing or a broken shoulder, your back is seized up, or you're wearing a brace, or you're born with no arms, I don't know what, you're handicapped.

So going to Home Depot is not like going to 7-Eleven and picking up like a thing of milk and some sugar. You go to Home Depot, you're buying like a 2x4, you know, a 17-foot 2-by-4. you're maybe buying like eight bags of grass seed a barbecue a new leaf blower you know boxes a tile a build-it-yourself kitchen cabinet set maybe a carpet you got to throw on your shoulder and throw in the back so what i'm saying is if you're handicapped i don't think home depot shopping where you got to do heavy lifting is the place you're going to roll into with a vehicle with a handicap sign on it. So don't you think they should kind of judge that, you know?

And meanwhile, people that are there to buy heavy stuff have to park at the far end of the parking lot, you know, where they have to walk all the way back, pick up their heavy items, and haul them all the way across the parking lot, maybe get handicapped on the way because their knees buckle or they twist an ankle. So I don't know. The Home Depot thing's a little weird to me. Something doesn't fit, okay? And same thing with malls and a lot of places.

You know, I see the need for it. I'm not trying to pick on the handicap, but I'm just saying it feels disproportionate. And then the other thing is, have you seen some of the vehicles that pull into these handicapped spots? I've seen Hummers. I've seen Mercedes-Benz.

I've seen pickup trucks. I've seen vehicles that don't seem to match the profile of someone that's got a bad limp or wearing crutches. It's like I've seen vehicles that just crawling up into them could cause injury, let alone crawling out and hobbling into the Home Depot to pick up four bags of cement. You see where I'm going with this? And then here's what's funny to me, too, is if you look, the signs, on these parking spots, and they even paint them right on the asphalt. It's, you know, it's one of those signs of a guy sitting in a wheelchair.

It's a blue sign, and there's a guy with a round head sitting in a wheelchair. I'm thinking, okay, that's four wheels. That's a vehicle of sorts. Shouldn't that be what you have to pull up in? If you want to park in the wheelchair spot, you've got to roll in in a wheelchair? You know, you actually have to oblige the sign. I don't know. It just seems right, you know.

If you're going to put the picture up, if that's how you identify that spot, you got to roll up in a wheelchair, man. You can't be pulling up in a yellow Hummer or a diesel ram dodge truck and tell me you're like crippled or you're handicapped. I don't know if I'm buying it. Right?

I don't know. It's just strange. And then some people abuse the damn thing. Some people get these placards forged, or they get them by illicit means. They're not truly handicapped, and they put them on their vehicles and just pull in and park there.

You know? I mean, let's be honest here. When was the last time you were at a mall or anywhere and you saw someone pull up into a mall and park in a handicapped spot and actually like have trouble getting out of their vehicle and hobble into the mall. I don't know if I've ever seen it. And again, I'm not saying it doesn't exist for those of you that do have problems. Good for you.

You deserve the spots. I'm glad they're there for you. But again, I got to ask the question if you are missing a leg or you're missing an arm or you're, your back is seized up should you really even be driving like a four-ton vehicle that can hit speeds of 100 miles and hours is that safe for the rest of us at what point do you have to take into account the safety of everyone else because i'll be honest man i'm going to be honest and i'm not trying to be mean it's just common sense it's it's instinct when i get behind a vehicle and i see that placard I'm going to say it a lot of times they're not the best drivers I've I've

historically found them to be slow or a little erratic or a little disconnected and I'm behind them and I'm thinking okay I see the disabled placard what's the disability have they got horrible eyesight are they 95 years old have they got no reflexes have they got no legs and they're using little metal sticks are they you know i just naturally think is this safe for me to be around and guess what i speed up and go around those people and i'm not making it up you may be sitting there going oh he's picking on the hand again i'm really not i i am very observant when i drive and i have noticed a high percentage of these vehicles to be erratic drivers and maybe there's a reason

Obviously, maybe there's a disability there, obviously. So they are driving differently than the rest of us. So I don't know. I mean, God, I'm at the point where there's times where I'm like, I'm thinking I'll take a baseball bat. And when I get about, you know, a minute and a half from the Home Depot, I'll just smash my kneecap. Ah!

What'd you do that for, man? Well, we're going to be parking real close today. What did you hit me too? I don't know, just to double the pleasure. You know, it's like those are sweet spots. Those are coveted spots, those handicapped spots. So I guess in conclusion, we need them. Let's have them there.

But, guys, let's tone it down. We don't need row upon row of them, okay? We really don't. There's not that many people with those placards that pull into them. And what you're doing is you're pushing other customers way the hell back to the point where maybe there's someone that doesn't have a handicap, but maybe they're just old. Or maybe they're just, you know, maybe they're hurting or maybe it's a woman and she's got to go and pick up some stuff at Home Depot. and she's not physically strong or a pansy little guy

and he needs to be close. We don't need 30 handicapped spots at all these places. So there you go, and I'm not being unsympathetic. I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm just saying I've noticed the numbers are climbing, and I feel, and I could be wrong,

I feel it's disproportionate. Now, if that's politically incorrect to say, whoopie do. I'm not worried about that because I think people should be able to have their opinions. I am not slamming crippled people or handicapped people. I'm talking about common sense usage. You tell me how many times have you pulled up and seen 15 cars with handicapped people crawling out of them going into the Home Depot. I bet you could sit there with a camera for four weeks and never see all those spaces taken up,

let alone, you know, two or three of them. So there you go. If you disagree, you can always call me and leave a message. 323-215-14-86. Try and leave a constructive message. If a topic like this gets you heated up or angry, don't just be a jerk and go off and be like, you're an insensitive prick.

No, educate me. Educate us. Maybe I don't know. Maybe we don't have the facts. I'm just going off what I see. And believe me, if I ever got hurt, I'd be so happy that stuff was there. But again, I just think the numbers are off. You tell me, call me and correct me, or call me and say you've had the same observation.

I'm interested to hear in this huge wheelchair, Handicap. Debate. The Harlan Highway, 323, 215, 1486. Wake up, wake up, wake up, you're on the Harlan Highway. And here's a creepy story, man. Apparently yesterday some woman who had been in a coma for like eight years woke up for three days, started talking everybody, said she felt fine.

And then went right back into the coma after three days. I mean, can you really blame her? I mean, you'll wake up. Britney Spears has shaved her head. Rosie O'Donnell's back on primetime television. The show Lost is completely lost. Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy are still on. Pamela Lee has been married

and divorced 10 times and had her boobs done 10 times. Global warming is killing us. The Harland Highway is nominated for top afternoon drive home show. Yeah, I'd go back to sleep too, man. Oh, sleep in, baby. Hopefully you'll hear the heart. Harland Highway in your dreams. Such a weird thing, the coma.

Like, you know, I wonder what it's really like to be in there. Those people, you know, all their body functions are working. Obviously not their brain, but their lungs and their heart and everything's functioning. But they're, what kind of netherworld are you in? And if you're in it for like four or five years, isn't it? Isn't that just like the longest sleep? ever. Like, you know, you wake up from a five-year coma. How do you, how do you go back to bed after that? I mean, talk about well-rested. You're like, honey, you've been up for seven days, come to bed.

Are you kidding? I'm going to go outside and wrestle a moose. Honey, aren't you tired? Not yet. Maybe in about six years. You know what I mean? Like, you couldn't go back to sleep if you tried, man. You could take a whole, bottle of like sleeping pills, you need to be like, I better go shingle that roof. That roof needs to be shingled. And then I guess I better, I guess, isn't there on a marathon in the morning? A 72 mile marathons you're a death valley. Better get that under my belt. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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and 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, I wonder if you'd wake up from a coma and your body would forget how to yawn. You know, you're just so well-rested. People at work are like, God, Bill, you look so healthy. You look so well-rested.

Yeah, six years. Six years what? Snoozing. Oh, your alarm didn't go off. No. Okay, can you tone the energy down? No, I'm wide awake. I mean, you'd be walking around the house at night pacing.

There'd be owls up in your pine trees going, who, who, go to bed, you son of a bitch. You're making us, antsy. Oh, who, who, who, who. I don't know, man, a coma. What have you come out and, you know, like I said, everything's changed. Is your wife still love you?

Do you still love your wife? Does everything feel the same? Is your perspective skewed? Is it better? Is it worse? Are you depressed? Are you enlightened? What are you thinking, man?

And you come out of the coma. You look around at what you had, your family. You're looking at my got fat kids. My wife ain't too much of a looker. She snores at night. It's like I died for four years. Man, I'm getting a hell out of Dodge, man. I realize now you only live once.

I'm getting a hell away from this pack of losers. I don't know. Where do you go after a coma, man? Come on over to Motel 6. We'll leave the light on for you. Yeah, you better leave the light on because I can't sleep. I'm going to be up all night, climbing the walls. I'm Dombodette for Motel 6.

We'll leave the light on for you. Or imagine it's the other way around, right? You just got to get away from your family. You've been sleeping for six years, and now you've been awake for like nine weeks, and you're like, I just got to get away from the house. I'm going to rent a room at Motel 6, and I'm going to close the curtains,

and I'm going to just shut everything out, and I'm going to just have a normal sleep, right? Hi, Tom Bodette for Motel 6 with some insight for the traveler. Wait, what are you doing in here? Hey, you know, I'm in here, I'm trying to sleep. What are you doing in my room, right? You get in the room and this guy shows up.

He's just like blabbing away. He's just like, no, I just want to close the curtains. I just want to go to bed. I'm Tomoette for Motel 6 and we'll leave the light on for you. No, no, no, don't leave the light on. I want to go to bed. Just get out of here. Just get it.

What are you doing? Survive one night without avocado body balm or French milk soap. What are you talking about? money you say, get the hell out of my room. Turn the light off and get out of my room. I'm Tom Bodette for Motel 6 and we'll leave the light on for him. No, no, get the hell out of my room.

Don't leave the light on. Get out of my room! I'm Tom Bodette from Hotel 6 and we'll leave the light on for you. Who the hell's Tom Bodette? What are you getting? Get out of my room, you creep. Turn the light off. Get the hell out of my room, you son of a bitch.

Ah! Get the hell out of my room! You're a creep! Okay. time for the guilty file you're on business you're out of town you promised the old ball and chain that you'd give her a phone call every night just so she knows you're not out goofing around and boozing and causing trouble and you love her i mean you want to talk to her but you kind of don't really have much to say and you know you're just really doing it as a check-in and so

while you're on the phone in the hotel room you got the tv gone you know it's right there at the end of your bed you got your remote and kind of just phoning hi honey how are you how was your day oh yeah really and then in the background you're watching wheel of fortune and you're trying to figure out the uh what is a phrase meaning happiness and your partner on the other end of the line can kind of tell you what are you doing what what do you mean we're talking on the phone what's that noise in the background nothing nothing are you watching tv while you're talking me? No, it's just Don. I'm not really watching it. And so you turn it down lower, so you think

they can't hear it. And then they keep talking. So today I went to the store and I bought some new shoes. And you're like, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. What, uh, what time did you go to the movie? No, I said I went to the store and bought some new shoes. Oh, yeah, who was in it? What do you mean? Who was in the shoes? Yeah, who was in the movie? Are you watching TV again? Huh? What? No, what? What's a nine-letter word meaning happiness? What are you talking about? Are you watching Wheel of Fortune? Why aren't you listening to me? You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway.

What are you listening to back there? Okay, right, right? And how many of you guys and girls have taken it a step further and be honest here with old Uncle Harley? How many of you have been having sex? How many of you have been making love? How many have you been fooling around? And in the background, there's a TV on, and you actually start watching it. You know, maybe it's a sporting event. Maybe it's the Australian Open.

Maybe it's a hockey game. Maybe it's football. you know, maybe it's even a movie or something, and even though the sounds down, you're kind of engaged, like your focus is split between, you know, being pleasured, if you know what I mean, and watching, like, the Edmonton Oilers

put a play together and score a goal, right? And right in the middle of her doing her business, you're like, oh, yeah, all right, yeah! And you, like, buck up and give her a black eye. Jesus, what the hell was that? Nothing, baby, nothing. You're just doing a great job. You got me very excited.

Well, I've never seen you do get that excited. Ow, my eye. I know, I mean, what a shot. What are you talking about? I mean, what a passing play. What? I mean, just keep going. You're almost done.

We're almost at the end of the period. What do you, what? right you're like your focus is split between your love making and your tv schedule so just be careful don't get caught man it's one thing to do it it's another thing to be caught and there are some in the world that would say if you have that kind of problem then you need therapy and guess what oh god it's friday ugh and friday means i need therapy right producers of my podcast if you're listening because it was your idea

some of you think I'm not mentally stable so I got to get my therapy session done live on the air with Dr. Ascot this guy's a dillweed man telling you I wish I could be watching a hockey game while this guy's trying to get inside my brain I'd love to tune this guy out well here we go it's Friday and I have to do my weekly therapy's

session with Dr. Ascot, so let's get it over with. Here we go. Therapy with Ascot. God, every Friday, I have to go through this BS Holland. Well, that's what it is. It's just a bunch of BS Holland. The station has required, because some of the people here that work here think I have a nut loose, the upper management, and so I have to do this on-air therapy session with you, Dr. Scott. Thank you, Arland. And I just don't think any of it works. Holland. Stop saying my name. Holland.

Oh, God, you just drive me nuts. Holland, today I want you to release. What do you mean release? I want you to let your spirit fly, Arland. Okay, I don't know what that means. See, this is what I mean. This is all a bunch of BS. Holland. Okay, what do you? You want me to fly? Is that it?

Yes, Harland. I want you to go over to the door and open the door to the balcony and look out and picture yourself flying, Harlan. Okay, and that's supposed to do what? Release your spirit, Holland. Okay, I'm going to call your bluff. Okay, watch this Ascot.

Here I go. I'm opening the sliding door. I'm out on the balcony. I'm standing up on the balcony on the ledge Holland what are you doing I'm calling your bluff Holland get down from the ledge No I'm calling your bluff See ya Ascot

Holland Arland. Um, this is Dr. Charles Ascot here on the Escort Highway. Today we will be playing all kinds of music and having fun. Did I do it right? Hello? Arlen, anybody? Hello? Does this mean I have my own radio show?

Hello? So join me, Dr. Charles Ascot, great after this song on the Asgard Highway. Hello? Oh no, no, no, don't even think it. kid. Don't even think about

Dr. Charles Ascot. Of course the guy's name is Charles. Can you imagine if that dill wheat actually did take over my show? Good Lord. I've just talking about comas earlier. That would put you to sleep,

man. We'll leave the light on for you. Yeah, you better leave the light on. You better put a floodlight right in my face. One of those searchlights that they put up in Hollywood and point into the sky, just point one of those right in my face, because that's the only thing that would keep me away from the dry, dreary, monotone, annoying voice of Dr. Ascot. Oh, Lord. What are you doing here? Holland, I was hiding under the desk, Holland.

You were hiding under the desk. Yes, Holland. Why were you hiding under the desk? Because I'd like to think of this as my own studio, Arland. No, it's not. It's not going to happen. I thought you jumped off the balcony, Arland. No, I didn't jump off the balcony. I jumped and I swung underneath to try and scare you.

Arland, that's evil. Oh, is it evil? You know what's evil is you trying to mess with my mind. Arland. No, you are trying to twist my... Allent. My mind. Holland. Stop saying my name.

Holland. What do you want? I want to do my own podcast. Well, then go do it. I want the Holland Highway. No, you're not having it. I want to call it the Ascot Highway, Ireland. No, no, no.

Holland. I'll tell you what. If you stop saying my name and we never have to do another therapy session, you know what i'll do it you can have my podcast holland what are you serious yeah i'm serious i'll do it holland you'll do it yes awesome so i never have to see you again i never have to deal with you and only ten million dollars excuse me ten million you heard me holland oh get out of here Holland out Holland I'll leave the light on for you

Holland get out of here I'll leave the light on Holland out I said I'll leave the light on out of here I'm Tombo dead I'll leave the light on out God that guy is not normal anyways you people are normal right and if you are normal and you want to have a laugh

if you want to have a giggle and a laugh darling's come and see me in Florida I'm going to be at the Tampa Improv. I'm going to be there March 19th, 20, and 21. That's Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at the Tampa Improv in Florida. Go to my website, harlemwilliams.com. Click on the stand-up schedule and you can get all the information you need for tickets, showtimes, reservations, all that stuff. And then don't forget, folks, April, oh my God, April. April. Second, I'll be in Indianapolis

at the beautiful Paramount Theater Anderson just outside of Indianapolis and then April 3rd, I'll be in Columbus, Ohio at the delicious southern theater. Again, go to Harlan Williams.com and get your tickets for these amazing shows that are coming up. They are going to be killer.

You're going to have a great time. And if you don't live there, please alert your friends to come and see me. second and third in Anderson, Indiana, and Columbus, Ohio, the Southern Theater. That is it for today. I hope you had a good time. I hope we enlightened you. I hope we informed you. I hope we did all kinds of things for you, because that's what we do here at the Harland Highway. Oh, oh, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. All right, until next time, you know how it goes.

Until next time, chicken chow maim, baby. And we'll leave the light on for you.