The Harland Highway - Podcast 88

Episode Date: March 22, 2010

Life coach Dr. Debbie Timer, modern people, popping pills, joggers, and stupid sayings. Happy catfish fillets! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, today, life coach, joggers, popping pills, modern people, and saving your own life. It's all here today on the one and only, Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway.

Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Romp Spin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hi. your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and who's this? Hi, Dr. Timmer, my name's Karen. Okay, and how can I help you tonight? Well, I think my husband's in cheating on me. Okay, and how do you

come to that conclusion? Well, um, he's been looking at other girls. Okay, um, that's a common thing, sweetie. I know, but he's really been looking at them with his eyes. Okay, and how's he supposed to look at them with his nose? Well, I saw his eyes looking at a girl. He used his eyes. Uh, honey, I just said, how is he supposed to do it? With his ears? Um, I think I saw him doing it with his ears, too. That's a nice.

excellent point. Okay, honey. Do you know what sarcasm is? Um, no, I don't. Is that something you put on toast? Honey, how else has your husband been supposedly cheating on you? Well, I went on his Facebook. His Facebook, he has all kinds of sexual, um, all kinds of sexual, um, postings. Okay, like what? Well, one of his Facebook postings, um, Dr. Debbie, he says that, he says, hey, I like the Los Angeles Dodgers too, and then he says, ha, ha, ha. Okay, that's the baseball team. Millions of people like baseball teams. I don't see any sexual innuendo there, darling.

Well, I think there's lots of it. Well, you tell me where. Well, I mean, just the way he said, I like. Okay, he likes a baseball team, darling, not another woman. Yes, but isn't that a pseudonym for going around the bases? What do you mean a suit? him. I mean like a plethora. What are you saying? I mean like a, it's a catch-22. What are you saying? You know, like it's secret code for going around the base is with a girl. Okay, honey, you're going to need to focus.

I really think he's gone to first base. I said focus. I think he might be running to second base, Dr. Debbie. I said, focus. Oh my God, he's going all the way around third. Okay, shut your fucking mouth. Can you shut your fucking pie? Um, what do you mean? Say this after me. I will. I will. Shut my.

Shut my. Fucking pie hole. Fucking pie. What, wait, what? What else has he seen? What else have you seen on his Facebook, honey? Well, he also wrote a very personal, revealing, um, thing where it said, let me read it. Yes, go ahead and read it.

I'm reading it off a paper. Okay. I printed it, Dr. Debbie. Okay. Um, it says, but did I say I printed it? Read the fucking, read the fucking letter. Read the fucking letter. Okay, sorry.

Um, it says, me and my wife love going to the cottage in the summer. Okay, and? Well, that's true. We do love going to the cottage, but who's he telling? I think it's just a general comment. That's what people do on these social networks, darling. They just post random things, meaningless things, can kind of fill people in on their lives.

So does that mean he's having sex with his secretary? Darling, are you a fucking tarred? Excuse me? Are you fucking stupid? Um, I'm not sure what you mean. Okay, what's four plus four? Um, 12. Okay, you're fucking stupid.

You need to hang up now. Okay, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Debbie. Thank you. the fuck fucking hang up okay bye wow okay some people are just ignorant and stupid we have another caller coming in

who's this I'm Dr. Debbie Timer I am my baby's mother sister's daughter how may I get your life in order oh yeah Dr. Debbie yes that's me I got a problem with my wife okay what is it how can I help my wife

how do I put this Delicately. Why don't you just say it, sir? Uh, stop saying? Uh, uh, uh, stop it. Uh, stop it. Uh, stop it, you fucking idiot. Uh, my wife, um, how do I say this?

My wife likes oral sex, and I don't. Okay, that's not anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about, sir. There are millions of couples practicing sex every night that are in the same predicament, maybe one partner likes oral sex, and the other doesn't. How can I help you with this? Well, the truth is I actually do like it. You either like it or you don't, sir. I do like it, but just not the way my wife wants to do it.

Okay, please explain. I can't help you if I don't have the facts. I'm too embarrassed. Sir, you did call me. Do you want to talk about this or not? I'm really embarrassed. Okay, stop it. Sir? Yes. Just stop, but you're acting like a three-year-old child.

I am. Yes, you are. You're just acting like a fucking idiot. Okay, sorry. How is it that your wife performs oral sex that makes you uncomfortable, sir? She likes to do the Hawaii 5-0. The Hawaii 5-0. I'm not familiar with that.

The Hawaii 5-0, Dr. Debbie. She likes... Yes, you've said that already. What is it? She likes to put pineapple rings around my penis. Um, Sue, excuse me? Uh, my wife likes to put pineapple rings around my penis. She calls it the Y-5-0.

Oh, my goodness, sir. And she makes me... She makes me do the theme music. Pardon me? When she's pleasuring me. She makes you do the theme music to... Hawaii 5-0. Well, she's pleasuring me.

Sir, I'm not sure what that means. Well, I'm very nervous. I'm very embarrassed. Sir? What she does is she puts the pineapple rings around my penis. She stacks them up, and she makes me lead back, and she starts to pleasure me, but she said she can't do it unless I sing the theme to Hawaii 50. Are we talking about the police series on television that ran in the 70s and the 80s? Yes, exactly.

So you lean back, she put the pineapple rings on, and you start singing. Can you give me that? I'd rather not. Sir, I'm trying to help you here. Okay, I lean back, and she starts pleasuring me, and I start going, Sir Sir Sir

Sir Sir Sir Sorry, Dr. Larry, Dr. Debbie, I'm sorry. I go, this is what happened to me. Sir, you are a fucking idiot. I'm sorry, I'm just, what can I do? I can't go through this anymore.

It's just turning me right off of the sex. Sir, what you need to do is play her game. I'm sorry? Did you not hear me? I'm sorry, I didn't. I said you've got to play her game, sir. Okay, what do you mean by that? Sir, what you've got to do, okay, is you've got to.

got to pick a television show you like. Is there something from your childhood? Is there something from the past that is on par with what she likes, which is a Y-5-0? Uh, I mean, I like Sesame Street as I can. Okay, right there, sir. I like Sesame, I said, hold it. I like, sir, shut the fucking pie. Okay, sorry, Dr. Debbie.

Now, what I need you to do is when you go down on her, okay, you need her. her to get to do the Sesame Street song. Oh, how do you mean? Okay, pretend you're going down on me. Uh, are you sure? Yes, sir, what did I say? Go pretend you're going down on me. I don't know.

This is, I know. Do you want my help or not? Okay, Dr. Debbie, I'm going down on you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Is that the theme from... Shut up, sir. Is that the theme from Sesame... Shut up.

Go down on me. Can you tell me how to get... How to get to Sesame Street. How to get to Sesame Street. And now, sir, start doing the Cookie Monster voice. I beg your pardon? When you're looking between her legs, do the Cookie Monster voice. Uh...

That's it. Keep going. Cookie, cookie. There, are you feeling better? Actually, I am Dr. Debbie. Wow, thank you very much. Glad I could help. I am Dr. Debbie Timer. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and I am your life coach.

Thank you so much, Dr. Debbie. You're very well. welcome and we'll be right back after this break oh what a treat dr debby timer a life coach is it weird that people have life coaches nowadays i mean honestly you're paying someone to be your life coach like life some kind of a game And you need a coach. You need to train. Are you really mentally sound if you need a life coach?

Are you really saying, man, I wish I just never grew up and I wish I was still living at home and my mommy and my daddy can tell me what to do because I'm just not prepared for life. I'm an adult. I need to be coached. I was actually out to dinner with somebody once. And I made a joke.

about having a life coach. They were, like, talking away about their life and how busy it was and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, man, you better consult with your life coach. And she was like, yeah, I know, I do. I talk to her every day. And I went, what? Yeah, she's great.

I go, you have a life coach? Oh, yeah, yes. In fact, she should be here any second to help me order a salad. You know, I can never pick out the right dress thing are croutons so I have my life coach to it so I don't have a nervous breakdown easy it's just a salad oh my god I'm freaking out what kind of lettuce is this somebody call my life coach right that's for real I mean the salad part okay bit over the top but man oh man aren't there

enough bills to pay in life, the power and the water, the electricity, the school, the dentist, the doctor, the gas man, the tax man, the grocery man, and here's an extra 600 a week for my life coach. Wow, he must be really good. Oh, yeah, he's won the Super Bowl of Life 12 times. You should see his rings. Great coach. Really?

Holy God. Yeah, he's coached, you know, Joe Namath, Brett Fav. You know, one of the best coaches out there. Everybody wants them. I don't know how I got so lucky. Yeah, you are lucky. Only 600 a week, huh?

Yeah, I'm lucky. Are you sure you're lucky? I don't know. Let me check him with my life coach to see. Wow. I don't know. Am I making fun of people that maybe need something like that? I don't know.

It's just this society we live in, man. I always take anything from this society, something that's so exuberant and over the top. And just, you know, take a transporter beam from the USS Enterprise and transport yourself to any other country in the world. Okay? You're here in Hollywood, you're here in New York, you're here in Texas, you're running around, and oh, my God, my cell phone doesn't work. Oh, my God.

And did you hear that Kathy cheated with David? And oh, my God, I'm so upset. Someone at my daughter's high school used the word Christmas. And that's just, we don't use the word Christmas. That's devil word. Okay, so take all your petty little problems, your life coach and everything. and then transport yourself into the middle of India,

into a street in China, into a house in Cambodia, even Australia, you know, almost anywhere else in the world, and see if these people have these ridiculous problems. Afghanistan, Iran, Iran. Turkey.

Do you think people are running around in those kids? Oh my God, I just can't cope. I need a life couch. Oh my God, I need therapy. I need my pills. I need my sleeping pills. I need my oxy cotton. I need to talk to someone.

That guy at work said a sexually suggestive word to me. I need to go before the board and file a grievance and shut this company down. I have rights. I have so many rights and so many problems. I'm American. I'm falling apart. I need a life coach.

I need social security and I need health insurance. I deserve all of it and I'm entitled to it all. And wait, what am I doing here in the middle of India? And you people are just happy to have a piece of bread and a glass of clean water. Oh, look at the happiness on your faces. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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Look at you. You all need life coaches. No tanker please. We don't need no bullshit life coach, please. Oh, yes, you need to see my therapist. No, thank you, please. We're very happy. We pray to Buddha.

We pray to Allah. We're very happy. Oh, you're so happy you don't know you're unhappy. You need a life coach. Would you like some of my oxy cotton with your breadcrests? Oh, no, thank you, please. Oh, man. Oh, we have gone off where many of us can think for ourselves.

Many of us over-emphasize the petty, silly little things in our lives. And we love to do it. Americans love to do it. There's an industry for it. The same way there's an industry for cars, and there's an industry for food, and there's an industry for electronics. there's a whole industry that caters to these people that just think life is so damn tough and ganging up on them and they can't cope get over it get over yourself you know what life is

you wake up you eat some breakfast you go to work you do the best you can you come home tell your family you love them sit and watch america's funniest home videos laugh, share some popcorn, go to bed, and do it all over again. And if you have a crappy day, well, maybe tomorrow you'll have a good day. And somewhere in the mix, take a vacation and do something nice for yourself. It's kind of simple. It varies now and then, but God, is it really that bad that you need to spend your kids' college fund laying on a couch? I just don't know what's going on with me, Doctor.

I've been feeling moody, and me and Carl just haven't been connecting lately. We went to Starbucks the other day, and I don't know. It was just weird energy all around our cran muffins. It was just, you know, just my latte, even the foam of my latte, it looked like it was trembling, just strange energy. Well, that's very interesting. That'll be $1,000 before I can hear any more. Oh, of course, of course. Yeah, there's a whole industry.

I don't know if it's an industry catering to the insecure or the weak of mind or the unstable or the unsure. Look, people with severe trauma, people with severe problems, I buy it. They need therapy, but I don't know, man. There's so many people out there that are just looking for someone to wind to and talk to and hear their own voice and doing their own podcast so they can hear their own voice and wait a minute oh wait a minute whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa no not no not me could you please get out of my house no i need to do my podcast in your house no please just go back to your own country

and take your oxy cotton too well okay but let me check with check with my pod coach I'm sorry, I'm doing a podcast and I have a pod coach because, oh my God, you are a giant asshole. I'm swearing a lot this show tonight. I never swear on my show, but tonight I'm in the mood. You caught one of my blue shows. So I'm going to go wash my mouth out with soap. And in the meantime, check this out. Hong Kong, 2-2-beep-beep, you are rolling down.

Harland Highway with Harlan Williams. That's me. And are you having a good day? Are you popping pills to keep everything going? Oh, we are a pill popping society. I mean, have you seen all the commercials on TV for pills, man? Purple ones, green ones, yellow ones, blue ones. I mean, I had to pop a pill just to do this radio show. I had to go to my medicine closet and find my radio show pill so I could get through my radio show. And then to walk from here to the studio, I needed my walk to the studio pill. And then to get more pills, I had to take the I need more pills pill to get to the drug store. And then I ran out of gas and I needed to run out of gas, refill my car with fuel pill. Oh, my God.

Lay off the pills, people, huh? Drugstores should just start handing out pez dispensers. Fill them with all the different pills you need to get through the day. What's happened to us? Remember the old days when we just functioned? Huh? I got a headache. Oh, well, I'll take an aspirin.

Oh, I got arthritis. Oh, well, it'll wear off. Oh, I'm going to die. No, not me. Give me some pills, man I want to live forever Feed me pills Man

The only pill I want is my pillow All these pills are making me tired I think I'll take a sleeping pill And try and fight it See if the demons come Stay awake Drive home safe Don't pop any pills

Just open the window and breathe in the oxygen Here on the Harland Highway And speaking of driving, when you're driving home or you're driving somewhere, and this is one of those stupid little pet peeves that I have. This is something that annoys the hell out of me. I don't know why. Does this bother you or am I the only guy in the world? You're driving somewhere and you come up to a busy intersection and there's like a jogger, okay?

And the jogger is got a red light, so they can't cross the street yet. So they stand there and jog. They stand there and jog on the spot, up and down, up and down. The girls with their ponytails bobbing back and forth and the guy with no shirt on, like, you know, pumping his legs up and down. And I get why they're doing it. I ain't stupid here, folks. I may be dumb, but I ain't stupid.

They're doing it to keep their heart rate going, to keep the momentum going, to keep the flow, right? But I don't know. I just hate it. I almost get the feeling that it's pretentious, that it's almost like in your face. I almost get the feeling there's a little bit of that. Hey, you people in your unhealthy cars,

just driving everywhere. Look at me. I'm actually out burning calories and being healthy. And just to remind you, I'm going to stand on. the corner and keep jogging even when the lights red. Yeah, I could stop and take a little break and catch my breath and, you know, wait 40 seconds and then start running again.

But no, I think I'll broadcast my health agenda to you, fat asses driving by with the Big Mac in your hand and the Coke in your cup holder. And here's me and my purple spandex and my shirt off and look at me. What a fine sample I am Dumb-dum-dum-dum-dum-d-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-hrew you. I don't know. I don't even think it's the health angle that bugs me. I just, I don't like the look of it.

There's always that look on their face. They just look kind of stupid. And maybe it's, maybe, you know what it might be? It might be the whole notion that I think, Hey, dumbass, you've got a 30-second light. Take a break, okay? You continuing to jog for that 30 seconds isn't going to extend your life for a year. Just stop.

You look dumb to me. You look like an idiot. You look like a moron to me. I don't know why. Am I wrong here, people? Why does that irk me so much? I pity you if I ever pass you and you're jogging on the spot waiting for a light. I may just roll up on the curb and take you out.

I may do a drive-by with a Granny Smith apple. You're like hit you right in the temple with a friggin' ripe apple. Feel healthy now, Spandex? Oh, man. I know. It's just one of those dopy pepies. I can't even put my finger on it. It's just weird.

Maybe I need to get a life coach. Maybe I need to talk to Dr. Debbie Timer. Good Lord. What was wrong with me? Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You ever hear that one? Huh? And isn't life full of funny sayings?

You ever hear this one? I couldn't draw to save my life. Break that one down. I couldn't draw to save my life. Picture that scenario. Rock climbing in the mountains, the Rocky Mountains, or the Alps or the Himalayas, Bigfoot Country.

Look out. Crawling along, a big jagged, rocky, ice-filled peak. 200 feet below. Nothing but a big glacier with its mouth hanging open waiting to swallow you. You're tied to your buddy. You're walking along. He's in front of you, you slip.

Ah, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Luckily, you're tied together, right? He's hanging on to you. He's your lifeline, and he starts pulling you up. And pulling you up. And he can hardly pull you up anymore, and he gets you right to the edge. Oh. And he's about to pull you up, and he's like,

I got no more energy, man. I can't pull you up. Could you, could you maybe draw me a little picture of Calvin and Hobbs or just doodle me a picture of Garfield or just a stick man, anything? And you're hanging there by a finger and you're like, I couldn't draw to save my life. He's like, okay, loser, see ya. Pulls out his knife, cuts the rope and you're gone. He goes home and has a cup of Ovalteen and. makes hoochie-cucci-mucci with his beautiful wife and you're down at the bottom of a gully

because you couldn't draw Garfield or Calvin and Hobbs to save your life. Go learn to draw people because today is the first day of the rest of your life here on the Harland Highway. Okay, and speaking of life, what is life without life? Las Vegas, right? Yeah, if you haven't been to Vegas, you got to go. That's just part of your journey of life. I don't know if you like it or hate it, but what I do know is I am going to be there performing live doing stand-up comedy in Las Vegas,

Harlan Williams. At the Palms Casino, I will be there March 25th through 27th. um you got to come see me great casino it's one of those younger themed casinos you know like the hard rock lots of beautiful young folks and uh i'll be doing stand up there um you can go on the website i guess palms dot com or something like that and find out where to get tickets or go to my website harlan williams dot com and uh come see me in Vegas man Once again, March 25th through the 27th. And then, of course, coming up, April 2nd,

I will be in Indianapolis, just outside of Indianapolis, Anderson, Indiana. About a 25-minute drive outside of the city. I'll be at the Paramount Theater, doing an incredible theater show there. And then the next night, April 3rd, Columbus, Ohio, baby. Unbelievable. I will be doing a beautiful.

beautiful theater called the Southern Theater right there and go to Harlan Williams.com. Once again, click on my stand-up schedule to get tickets, showtimes, and information for all these incredible shows. And if you don't live in those regions, call up your friends that do and send them out because they deserve me. Yeah, that's right. They deserve me. And if you don't, I'm going to get pissed and I'm going to call my life coach and I'm going to be very upset. So until then, until you have the chance to check in with your life coach, just keep it here. The Harland Highway will keep everything functioning for you.

I do thank you for being here. I'm Harlan Williams, and we will catch you next time. And until then, my fine, furry little friends, chicken chow main, baby. Thank you.