The Harland Highway - Podcast 90

Episode Date: March 26, 2010

Dr. Ascot, melting snow, new cheeses, and pot smoking babies! Honkalicious!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, folks, here we go. Step right up, step right up to the freakyest highway in the solar system. You are on the Harland Highway. Welcome to the show. I'm Harland Williams, your host here. I believe the highway was named after me. I'm Harland Williams, and it is the Harlan Highway, so it's safe to assume. Although I could be wrong.

Who knows? But what a show today. The good and the bad. The bad is it's Friday. I've got to visit with Dr. Ascott, my on-air therapist. Ugh. Who knows what he's going to have me do today. I don't like them.

And that's on the record. All the snow should have melted or is melting in your community as winter draws to an end. Spring is just around the corner. We're going to be talking about the things you find under the melted snow. There's a new type of cheese out there. on the market that you will not believe where this cheese comes from and you're either going to want lots of it

or none of it. And we're going to be talking about baby pot smokers. Yeah, there's some idiots that gave some dope to their kids and we're going to check in on that. So don't check in because we're checking

I mean, don't check out because we're I mean, I don't know what I mean. Let's just get to the show. It's the Harlan Highway. You just made a wrong turn When you kindly shut your mouth On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway

Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin' and I'm your friend! Writing down the Harland Highway I'm not your daddy Oh boy, here we go. It's Friday, and you know what that means. I got to do my therapy session with Dr. Ascott, or the guys upstairs are going to cancel my podcast. They need to do it for legal reasons because they think I'm a loose cannon.

God. I almost wish I was born just, like, totally normal. So I didn't have to sit down to this freak of nature therapist, Dr. Ascott. Holland. What? Holland, please don't call me a freak. Well, you're just, you have strange, freaky methods. And you're always saying my name.

Oh, and you're always saying my name. Allent. See, you did it again? Holland. Stop saying, Holland. Stop saying my name. Holland. What are we doing today?

Let's get this over with. Holland, today we are going to deal with your insecurity. What insecurity? Holland. What? Arland. What? Everybody has insecurity,

Holland, and I know you have insecurities too, Holland. Okay, maybe I have a few. I mean, okay, who doesn't? Arland, I want you to pull down your pants. What? Arland, I'm afraid that your insecurity stems from your small penis.

Okay, where? Wait a second, Arland. Wait a second, Ascot. Pull down your pants. No, I am not. What are you crazy? I can charge you with sexual harassment. Arland, I'm a professional therapist.

This is a regular procedure. What are you talking? And what is that smell in here? Smells like, what is that? Onion rings, Arland. What? I've brought some freshly cooked, deep-fried onion. what are you what what are those for all and what we're going to do is stack the

onion rings on your penis to see how large it is what are you what alland pull down your pants no i'm not pulling down my pants you're not measuring how are you going to measure my penis size with onion rings all and we stack them one on top of the other if you have more than seven then I'm happy to announce that you have no insecurity. All right, come on, just get a ruler. What am I? Don't even get a rule. I'm not doing this.

Holland, how would you like to lose your podcast, Holland? Oh, no, you're not. Holland. No way. Out the window. What do you mean out? Out the window with your podcast, Holland. Oh, I can't believe I'm about to.

Holland, take them off. Holland. Okay, okay, I'm taking them off. How long is this going to take? It depends how large your weiner is, Holland. Don't call it a weiner. Holland, it is a weiner. No, it's just, God, get those onion rings.

Get them, let's just do this. Lay down, Holland. Okay, don't touch me. Arlen, you hold your wean. Don't call it a weaner. Hold your penis, Arlen, and I will begin to stack the onion rings, and we will get to the bottom of why you're insecure because you have a small, tiny little weaner.

I don't have, and it's not a weaner, just start stacking. Okay, here comes number one, Arlen. Ah! Here comes number two. They're boiling high. I deep pride them myself, Holland. Ah, they burn! Oh, here comes number five.

Oh, it's so hot! It's burning my flesh off! Quiet, Holland, here comes number six. Oh, onion burn! Onion ring burn! Stop being a baby, Arlen, hold your wiener up. There you go, Alan. It looks like you have eight onion rings.

rings stacked upon your wiener. Ah! I can't believe you didn't let them cool off first, you... What, what did you want to call me, Arlen? Just get them off! Get them off! Okay, Arlen, I'm taking them off, relax, Arlen. Oh, my God, it burns! Holland, don't be a baby.

You should be happy that you stacked eight onion rings. I'm not happy about any of this. You're creepy. Arland, you could have had only four. I don't care if I... Get out of here, man. Arland. Get out.

This is red... I'm following a sexual harassment lawsuit. Out the window, Arland. No, it's not... You're going out the window. Get out of here. You fast food freak. This is ridiculous.

I can't believe we even... I let you get away with this. Holland, how would you like some curly fries wrapped around your wiener? What? Like bare claws, Holland, just curly fries clawing it. Get out of here! Out! Out!

Would you like some mustard and relish, Arland? Get out! Oh, it hurts. It hurts. We'll be back right here. On the Harland Highway. Oh! Would you like some diced onions, Holland?

Get out! Well, well, well, everybody, it's March. Yes, here on the Harland Highway, we are finally in to the warm, balmy days of March. February, January behind us. Jack Frost, go sit on an icicle. Hello! Doesn't it feel good? Is the snow starting to melt?

around your house, huh? You're starting to find things under the snow that were lost? Uh, hey, grandma? Yes, what can I do for you? Ah, you were here for Christmas, right? Yes. But then we couldn't find you since Christmas. Yes, I've been here under the snow.

He ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You know, you find your toboggan, you find your snowblower. It got buried. The snow removal machine's buried. Your car. Find treasure. Find food. You find your dog.

Sparky? Oh, Sparky. Why are you sitting so still, Sparky? Oh. You're permafrosted. Huh. Look at that. You don't even move. Nice. And then you look at your lawn. The grass looks like it's chocolate. It's all brown and slimy. Looks like Swamp Thing laid down on your front yard.

All right, get up, Swap Thing, huh? Springs here. Move it, buddy. Get your ass out of here. Time for the green, green grass of home to come through. Then you always get those idiots. Hey man, snow's melted. Like, where did all the white go, man? Uh, okay, dumbass. Why don't you go dig a hole and wait for next year's first blizzard? Well, honestly, where'd all the white go?

I mean, I know the snow melted, but where's the white? Ugh. If you see that guy, run them over on the Harland Highway. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your private. is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend

or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland. H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Here is a story I am not happy about, and I hope you're not happy about it, too, but I saw this on the news the other day.

Some woman and some man had a baby, and they pumped all the breast milk into a bag, into a bunch of bags, and put them in the freezer. Well, they had an excess of breast milk, and they had a genius idea where they're like, let's make breast milk cheese. Yeah, that's right. Human breast milk cheese. Can you imagine? Okay, maybe I'm just squeamish. Maybe I'm finicky. Maybe I'm a picky eater.

I don't know, but breast milk cheese, titty cheese, booby cheese, babonga cheese, big bubbling, bouncing bahunga cheese? Come on, man. Aren't there a million varieties of cheese from Italy and Switzerland and France and California? Do we really need to make one more crop of cheese out of women's baby milk? Good Lord. Can you imagine being at a party or something, a social mixer? The hors d'oeuvres come around.

There's a ritz cracker with a nice cheese on it. You're like, hmm, delicious. What is this, a fine brie or a, what is this, a blue cheese, perhaps? It's got a, quite a tang to it. Oh, that came out of my wife's titty. Excuse me? Oh, that's my wife's titty cheese. How do you like it?

What's the matter? You don't like my wife's titty? I milked to myself. Ah! I say, what is this? A fine, uh, what is this? A fine cheddar you've got here A wonderful Swiss cheese

I know that's it's Hooters Uh hooter's single slices What Yeah I don't know man Don't we have enough to eat in the world Can't you walk into any grocery store And isn't there like 78 aisles of crap

To stuff in your mouth Do you really need one more flavor sense Do you really need to get one more thing in your pie hole? Good Lord. If you're that desperate, you know, just make it exciting and just, you know, lay down and breastfeed. But solidify it and stir it up and make a curdle and, oh my God. Hey, man, you want to go to McDonald's and get a cheque? cheese burger? No, but I'll go to McDonald's and get a titty burger. What are you talking about?

My wife makes titty cheese. What? Can you imagine that hitting the menu? The McDonald's quarter pounder booby burger? Do you imagine how the menu would look at Hooters? Let's see, chicken wings, hooters, hooters, hooters, hooters. Hooters cheese, Hooters Burger, Hooters milkshake, hooters, oh my God. And yeah, does it stop at cheese? Do we start getting titty milkshakes? We start getting, uh, I don't know what else, man. Uh, yes, waiter, could I please get a titty milkshake please and some, uh, placenta salad dressing and some, um,

Deep fried ovaries, if you wouldn't mind. Yes, that would be wonderful. Yes, absolutely delicious. Yeah, hello. So there you go. Watch out what you order the next time you pull off the Harlan Highway and head into the drive-thru. Because you might just be getting yourself a big old titty burger.

Okay, so did you see this in the news? Two dopey idiots, an uncle and his friend gave their little niece or nephew some joints, some marijuana cigarettes, man. These kids were two and four years old, and they were sitting there smoking on these things like Bob Marley at a Gonja Festival. I mean, somebody videotaped it, and somehow it got out, and these two idiots are going to jail, obviously. but these little kids, man, I mean, they look like seasoned dope smokers. If you've seen the footage, you know what I'm talking about? These kids are like, they're holding it the right way.

They got the two fingers on the joint and the three fingers up in the air. Like they're making an okay sign with their hand and they're puffing away on this thing. I mean, how many times of these little crackers lit up, man? I mean, how does a two-year-old stoner sound? All they do is cry. Maybe they cry stoner style. I don't know, man. That's got to be rough for the mother if she's still breastfeeding, right? Because you know that little toddler's going to get the munchies?

And that little kid's going to want to be doing some sun. suckling all day. And I mean all day. It's got the munchies. I mean, it could literally maybe drain a breast. I don't know. Two-year-old stoners. I'm scared, man. You know they're going to be turning their baby bottle into a bong. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. What's next? One year old's on ecstasy?

Hey, they already got the pacifiers in their mouth, right? Hello! This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hello? Hey, how's it going? It's Eddie.

I'm sorry? It's Eddie calling. You want to go grab a beer or something? I think you have the wrong number. Just one beer? We could maybe have a buck. I'm sorry, you have the wrong number. How about one beer?

I mean, come. I'm just asked, what the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Okay, so I am not a fashion aficionado. I am not, you know, one of these fancy designers from France. I'm not out of Paris

I don't sit by the catwalk in Milan or New York You know I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of dude But I do have to weigh in On one fashion Fopaa that just

Drives me Bonkers Here's a look That I don't care if you live in a trailer park I don't care if you're a homeless guy I don't care if you're a nudist And you don't even wear clothes Okay, I am going to tell you, and I don't even want to hear your opinion.

Usually I'm like, give me your opinion on stuff, you know, let's have a back and forth. Let's have a dialogue, okay? I don't even want to hear your point of view. I'm just going to tell you how it is with this next little bit here, okay? For those of you dudes, okay, who think it looks cool to have your damn. pants hanging down your ass cheeks so that we can see your undies sticking up so that your waistline of your jeans is just under your butt cheeks or halfway down your ass you look like a moron okay you look retarded you look like you just dropped a giant 42 pound load

of crap in your pants. Okay, at what point did you think that ever looked cool? I got to tell you, man. I don't know anyone who thinks it's cool. Okay, there's probably a select group somewhere who thinks it's cool. Okay, if you took the population,

let's just say the United States of America, 330 million people. I'm willing to bet there's maybe, maybe 1,500 to 2,000 human beings that think that's cool. Okay, just so you idiots

know that wear your pants down around your ass cheeks. Every time I've ever been with anyone, big, old, small, young, medium, this is the comment. Look at that idiot. Look at his pants.

That guy looks like a doorknob and yeah you do okay i'm willing to give everyone a little slack you just look idiotic what is the function what is the point what is the fashion statement a it's it's obvious you're trying too hard to be cool because you're blatantly hanging your pants down and why if there were no other human beings on the planet and pants were just a function, you'd walk out with your pants up around your waist. So obviously you're wearing them down around your waist

because you want other people to notice you and go, oh, look at that cool guy. He's got his pants down below his ass cheeks. Well, no. We all go look at that retard. It looks like he just shit himself. You can't really walk properly. You walk like a crotch.

because your legs are confined. You know, they used to do that to Japanese women back in the day. They'd put these little tight dresses on them and shoes that were four sizes too small so they'd walk petite. They'd take these little baby steps, and I guess the emperors of Japan thought it was sexy, and it helped control them,

and their feet would actually not grow because they were in such small little shoes. Are you guys hoping your ass cheeks don't grow? Is that it? You don't walk right. You don't look right. You look like a slob. You know, I question your intelligence.

I mean, yeah, I'm just laying into you guys. And if there's a guy out there right now listening is pissed, call me, tell me. I don't care. But I'm just saying, man, I think it looks ridiculous. And here was the capper. Here's what set me off, man. I'm at the gym yesterday. Okay, there's some white dude, you know, with the gold chains and the basketball shirt, and he's got the long, first of all, he's got the long shorts that go down to your knee, okay?

But then he pulled them down so that the elastic band around the shorts is like just about right down his whole ass. Okay, and he's not working out. he's wandering around in the gym talking on his phone. He looks like he's bordering on being a midget. Like he's one of these guys that's, he's like a tweener. He's like, you can't say he's a midget, but you can't say he's, like, grown normally, you know? And this guy just reeked of, he thought he was so cool.

Like, he looked like one of those white guys trying to act black. And I say that because I think the whole half-pants thing originated, in the black community. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that's where it sprouted from. Okay? So here's this white dude

with the gold chains and the bling, and he looks like a nerd to begin with. You know, if you put him in normal clothes, you go, oh, are you a librarian? Are you an accountant? What do you do? You know, he looked like Melvin the dentist

from Rudolph the Red Nose Ranger. I want to be a dentist. And so, Not only is he wandering around the gym, and now his half shorts that go down to his knees are just above his ankles because he's lowered them, so he looks even more stupid, right? And not only that, but his underpants, he's wearing boxers, which none of us want to see.

No one wants to see this loser's underpants to begin with. But they're riding out of his pants, and he's wearing, like, plaid boxers. like the same kind of pattern you'd see on a Scottish guy's Kilt So A looks like a moron I'm not a girl, but I'm guessing unsexy And when is his look going to stop, man? Yeah, I'm pissed about it.

I'm mad and I'm ranting. Pull up your pants, idiots. Oh, wow. I don't know if I've ever gone. gone off this bed. And I'm not even swearing and cussing and being really, really mean. I'm just saying, stop it, lose it. The trend is over.

I wish the trend never started. You look like a retard, okay? It's all I'm going to say, nobody thinks it's cool. There. And that's final. There's no debating it. Yeah, I'm making the rules today, man. That's the beginning and the end of it, okay?

Done. That's the law I just laid down. But if you think differently, you can call me at 323-215-1486. You can agree with me or disagree with me. I'm happy to hear from you. And pull your damn pants up, you little bastards! Hey, it's Harlan Williams, and you're rolling down the Harland Highway. we have a special guest in here today. I guess he

drops by now and then. It's Mr. Magoo. You all know him and you all love him. He's been by before and read some Jim Morrison lyrics, some Doors songs, and I guess this time he's dropped by and he wanted to read

some Led Zeppelin lyrics for us. So Mr. Magoo, welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, oh, thank you very much. Sure. And what are are you going to be reading for us today? Oh, some Led Zeppelin, sir. Oh, the Lemon Song.

Okay, the Lemon Song. Do you need any background music or anything? Oh, yes, indeed. Oh, ha, and stuff Betsy. All right, take it easy. Here you go. Here we go. Mr. Magoo with lyrics from the Led Zeppelin song, the Lemon song.

Oh, squeeze me, babe. Until the juice runs down my leg, sir. Do squeeze me, squeeze me, baby, until the juice runs down my leg. Oh, the way, you squeeze my lemon. I'm going to fall right out of bed. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, out of bed, sir. Oh, my goo. Oh, you've done it again, sir.

All right, nice job, Mr. Magoo. Wow, thank you for dropping by, and come see us again. Oh, indeed, sir. All right, take it easy. Get out of here. Wow, pretty explicit lyrics for that little bald old guy. What the hell's this? Hey, Magoo, you left your Viagra pills on my table here.

Unbelievable. The guy left his bottle of Viagra here, right in my eye. Unbelievable. What next here on the Harland Highway? Well, there you go, old Magoo. giving us some classic rock lyrics, some good old-fashioned Zeppelin, baby. Well, I hope you had a good time on the show today. I certainly did.

It's great to have you here, folks. I am yours truly, Harlan Williams, your host, and Compare, as they say in London, England. I don't know why they do, but they do. They don't call it an MC. that go compare kind of a crazy word that but um hey a reminder okay please be reminded that i am in las vegas this weekend okay yes that's right at the palms casino in las vegas uh you can go to the palms dot com and get tickets for my show i'm there uh tonight and tomorrow night the 26 and the 7th of March.

And then, yes, next weekend, oh my God, the big theater shows. Anderson, Indiana, the Paramount Theater on Friday, April 2nd, and then on Saturday, April 3rd, the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. Get your tickets now. Go to my website, Harlan Williams.com. you can look it up or go to Ticketmaster or for the Anderson Theater, go to Tix, T-I-X.com, and for the Southern Theater in Columbus, go to Ticketmaster and get your tickets. If you don't live there, call your friends who live in that region

and tell them to get there. We're going to be doing a stand-up comedy concert, followed by an improv show where it's just going to be wild. So there you go. Hope to see you out there. And keep on listening. Tell your friends about the Harland Highway. We like to get the traffic jam going here right down the middle of the road.

And until next time, my friends, chicken chau main, baby. Cat, hat in French, chate chappo. His Spanish, El Gatto in a sombrero. And I'll take you something more. Listen to me good. In German, a catarundus is my hud. Is that not a catahut? Yeah, that is a casserhut. Caterhut! Caterhut!

Yeah, that is a catterhut!