The Harland Highway - Podcast 91 - Special guest Cat Von D.

Episode Date: March 29, 2010

SPECIAL GUEST tattoo artist Cat Von D. Also, nice people, Ex flames, laser eye surgery, and octopie. Enjoy the beef! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody. I'm a squid, and I live under the sea. Okay, I'm not a squid, but I have a feeling there will be a lot of squids listening to the podcast today, because squids are full of ink, and I have a very special guest on the show today from Hollywood, Inc, which is a reality show about a tattoo parlor. And the tattoo parlor is run by its owner, Kat Von Dee, who is here today in the studio with me. Let me hear from all my squids. Hot tentacle.

Hot tentacle. Come on, give me some hot tentacle. Okay, so Kat Von D. is my special guest today on the highway. Wonderful, wonderful person. I think you'll really like her. I know I do. And just a nice person. We're going to be talking about people and how nice people affect us,

how they make us feel. We're going to be talking about laser eye surgery. Any of you got that yet? or if you need it. I think today we're talking about how you can get it for free. We're going to be talking about old flames. You ever bump into an oldie but goody, huh? An old lover or a spicy mama?

Hello, spicy mama. Yeah, and what kind of transpires when you bump into them? Is it awkward? Is it fun? Is it weird? We're going to find out. And then we're going to be talking about octopuses and squids and stuff like that. So stick around underwater.

It's the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan.

I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harland Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hi, Cat. Hi. That was happy. You sound happy. Are you happy?

Yeah. Wait, I'm going to turn this light off because it's really bright. Is that better? Yeah, it's way more romantic. It is romantic. How come you're so happy, though? I don't know. Are you happy when I hang out with you?

You're fun. Oh, thanks. Well, you just got back from Norgue. Yeah, that's probably why I'm extra happy. but yeah i had a fun time in norway and actually ended up going to sweden for a day just like on a whim so that was actually even more fun but people people should know that you're very very very well known for your tattoo art right i don't know should they know that they better know that or all come to their house and fly up on their screen door and cling like a praying mantis

yeah i will i'll cling on their screen I mean like a praying mantis. I'll just like, you know, I'll hiss at them, and then I'll pray. I'll pray that they know who you are. Well, oh, thanks. Yeah, that I'd do for you. Now, I want to ask you, you've tattooed a ton of celebrities,

but I don't want to talk about that. Awesome. Have you ever tattooed an animal? No. And I used to have a hairless cat, and everybody would always ask me, oh, are you going to tattoo your cat? And I wouldn't tattoo an animal.

What if it wanted it? How would you know if it wanted it? Well, let's say your hairless cat, right? What was its name? Ludwig. So what if Lugid one day was sitting at the end of your bed and went, Miao, Miao, tattoo me, meow. Right?

But he doesn't. But if he did, you couldn't deny him. You couldn't, you know, not do it if he kind of meowed you to do it. Well, if animals had human capabilities of communicating their, desires for tattoos i maybe i would okay um because i think it'd be fun to tattoo like i mean i'm not a tattoo artist but maybe i am but i'm not really but wouldn't it be fun to tattoo like a manatee or something what because they get so much skin i just i just don't want to i don't know i don't want to hurt them well you know what could be good okay they're always getting hip

by boats, so maybe... No, they're not? Are they really always getting hit by boat? Manities, they get hit by propellers. So maybe you could tattoo, do not hit me on a manatee. Well, maybe. No. No, you just know to any animal.

Yeah, I don't know. I'll do a portrait of a manatee. Do you like manatees? I don't know much about them. I saw one at the zoo the other day. You know they're also called sea cows. did you know that they are i'm not even lying where did you learn that it's just like a common thing they call them sea cow i mean it's obviously not the scientific name it's like i guess it's a

cool nickname that maybe the otters gave them or something i don't know where it came from oh my god now i'm getting happy see it's infectious it's good you see you see there mister You want some cinnamon toast there, do you, mister? What are you up to? Well, I was just kind of hanging around the house, and then, you know, we started talking, and next thing you know, we're doing this, which is kind of fun.

But do you like it when I ask you about tattoos, or would you rather talk about something else? I can talk about anything. I'm pretty much an open book, so. All right, last tattoo question. Okay, you can ask me 10 more if you want. No. It sounds like you want to talk about tattoos.

I don't mind. I kind of do, but at the same time, it's like maybe you do that all the time and you don't want to. I'd rather talk about tattoos than the show. Okay. Then what is the weirdest place in the world that you ever had to put a tattoo on someone? That is a commonly asked question. There is no really weird place. I've tattooed everything pretty much like inside of your lip to like ears.

like you just want to stay away from spots like the bottoms of your feet for instance like it's very callousy and the pigment doesn't stay what if you wanted a tattoo of like dry flaky skin on the bottom of your feet seems appropriate but you can't it won't hold oh all right I guess what I really wanted to ask and I was being very indirect about it have you ever tattooed of you say it you say I'm not going to say I'll use the code word. Calamari ring. Baby starfish. I didn't know. I don't know what I was going to say. No, I have not tattooed that.

Okay, good. But I'm sure somebody's asked, right? No. I would steer away from tattooing that, though. Yeah. I mean, it just seems like a bad idea. I would get in a big rig 18 wheeler and steer away from doing that.

I would steer away from that as big as I could. I'd get an aircraft carrier to steer away from that area. As fast as possible, yeah. I hope I answered your question. You did. Do you have a list of questions there? I have a couple. Okay.

Can I read it? Hell no. This is private stuff. This is like really personal. Like in between the questions I wrote for you, I wrote really private stuff about me. like ask cat about tattoo and harlowe remember the time behind the tool shed when daddy hit you with the rake really did he really hit you no my dad hit me with the leaf blower we didn't have a rake all right this is something i really want to talk about because this is something we share in common

i love okay you like to collect like stuffed animals Right? Like, I don't mean stuff like ones you win at the fair with the ski ball. No, like taxidermy. Yeah. We said it at the same time. Jinks. I mean, stuffed minks.

So give me a little laundry list of some of your stuffies. Okay. But my disclaimer is that my collection is of animals that have died of natural causes. Right, like strokes or heart attacks. Or even like, like, like, like. Like, I mean, I know roadkill isn't, like, natural causes, but it's not, like, hunted. That's my main thing. Right.

Yeah. Okay. Although, you know, in Australia, they get those big kangaroo bumpers on the front of their cars. What? Is that what they call them? Yeah. There's guys that, like, chase them down. But let's not go there.

Because you love animals. I love animals, too, yeah. And you have stuffies, and most people. Why do you help stuffies? Well, because that's like, you know, like, it's the cute name. Like, some people collect beans. baby's and we I even have some too we have stuffies but we don't have them because we want animals to die we have them because we appreciate animal yeah and then a minor

mounted in like an aggressive manners or anything like that there it's just like I love nature and you know anyways my laundry list um let's see at the office I have all my albino taxidermy which are my favorite um yep and I have like an albino peacock a goat gopher, two squirrels, minks, dove, rabbit, baby deer, did I say mom dear? No, you didn't say the mom. Okay, yeah, and just stuff like that. And then at the house I have like in my living room is all wolves and from like the wolf family. So a few coyotes and stuff like that.

my bedroom is foxes and I have a bear a baby bear um I have a porcupine two penguins uh I already said foxes um and then a bunch of birds I love birds owls owls I have owls right here wild owls in my trees me too you have owls outside did you think the owls because owls are the wisest of all the birds oh I think that is a myth it is so they're dumb masses. Well, I don't want to say that they're dumb because they're not dumb. Well, I had one in my tree the other day and I threw a Rubik's cube at it and it came back like 14 seconds later perfectly done. So they're not, they're pretty wise. But what I'm getting at is let's say there's an owl in your tree and they're wiser than most birds. Like I got to imagine an owl's

wiser than a robin. Well, a turkey and it was the dumb dumbest. Turkeys are dumb because yeah, we eat them every year to prove it. Why are you on my table? Because you got caught, dummy. But what if the wise owl was sitting outside your window and looked in and saw your stuffed owl and was like, I got to get the hell away from this house? No. Because it's not like that. I don't know.

Maybe I should think about that. I don't know. Aw. It's all right. I love owls. Oh, I have a beaver. Excuse me? And I forgot on my laundry list.

And two ducks and a badger. Oh, I like badgers. An albino badger. Wait, what? Yeah, what? Or a honky. I call them honkyes. Honky badger.

Really? I just call albino super honkies. Because me and you, we're honkies, right? We're white. What does a honky mean? It's just a term. It means white person. It's like the H word.

But if you're an albino, doesn't that make you like a super honky? I don't know. Like you're really white. It's considered a defect to some. Obviously there's different levels of it. But it's like your body's inability to produce pigment. So like there's some levels of albino that's like higher than others, you know, could affect your eyesight and stuff like that.

A lot of albinos have like. pink eyes. Yeah, yeah. Or laser eyes, I like to call them. Really? I love that. Yeah, it looks like they could shoot lasers at you. Yeah. I hope one does.

I would like that. Really? Well, aren't you so used to just humans being normal? Wouldn't it be nice if one day someone just shot lasers at you out of their eyes? Yeah, I don't know. I like, I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe it would hurt.

Yeah. Yeah, there'd be a lot of fear. Yeah. Oh, you got an email, dude. I just heard a, I just heard a dingle nut. All right, let me see here. We're winding down because I know you've got to go. You got to go to a fun concert, rock concert.

I don't know if it's a concert, but it is an event. It's a blowout. Actually, I'm picking up a neighbor of yours. Who? My friend Rita, she lives like right down the street. street how perfect like literally on that street oh my gosh just the other side yeah that's perfect i know all right well last question um because you do a lot of tattooing and you have to use exotic inks i'm guessing right i guess exotic could be a good descriptive word okay let's say you're swimming underwater one day in the

ocean uh-huh you confront a squid or an octopi I know where this is going. Are you, like, freaked out excited? Or are you going to, like, stick that sucker and suck them dry with a siphon? What are you going to do? I don't know if the same, I guess, ink that squids or whatever produced would hold up, like, in the test of time, like tattoo pigments are designed to do to be permanent so i don't you don't so you've never used like squid or octopus ink to do a tattoo that could be a first for you for you mean

for your tattoo you wanted tattoo me with with squid ink uh and see if it works wow holy calamari batman it's the second time you said calamari i know how rude all right well cat Thank you for having me. Thank you. It's so nice to see you. I'm going to come and bug you a bunch. Yes, please. And I'm coming over to your house to see your stationary arc.

Yep. There's a lot of them. All right. Well, is there anything since you're here on the podcast, I can mention that you'd like people to see or you'd like them to hear or? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent to

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It was a pleasure. Thanks. I'll talk to you later, dude. All right. This is Harlem Williams. You're on the Harlan Highway. And that was Cat Von Dee. We'll see at the bottom of the sea, kids.

It's squid time. Oh, man. I am hooked on Cat Von Dee, man. She is Uber sweet. She is just a sweet, sweet person with a sweet, sweet soul. She's one of those rare people you meet in life that at least I pick up on,

and I think everyone must, has a wonderful energy, a wonderful soul, a wonderful spirit, and it's just nice. It's just very, very nice. I'm definitely falling for cat, Von Dee. Meow, I'm falling for her too, meow. Excuse me? I want a tattoo, meow. Oh, it's the boss.

bald cat, huh? Meow, I want a tattoo, meow. All right, it's not. That was something me and cat were talking about. But for those of you that aren't 100% familiar with Cat Von Dee, she is the star of her own television reality series on television. I think it's called Hollywood Inc. and the show kind of circulates around her tattoo shop

and the people that come in and get inked. And she's a very talented artist who not just runs the shop, but actually applies the tattoos. And she's a photographer and she does music and she's a multifaceted artistic spirit. And I know I'm going on about it, but I'm just going to sum it up. What a treat. Thank you, Cat, Vondy.

Hopefully we'll have her back soon. And isn't that nice? Have you got anyone in your life? Did you ever meet a person that just, you know, has a nice aura about them, has a nice wave? They make you feel good just to be around them and you're like, oh, I want to go around that person again. Or, uh, you know, I walked away from that person and I felt different than I normally do when I walk away from other people. You know, sometimes it could be a celebrity, it could be an athlete, a pro athlete, it could be your priest, your rabbi. It could just be someone random, random on the street.

Who knows? I hope that many people like that cross your path. because they kind of restore your faith in people, and they restore your faith in wanting to be around people. And it's cool, man. It's cool. And you're cool for being here with me on the Harland Highway. Thanks for joining. Do you see what I see?

Do you see what I see a child, a child, a child. Burning through the night with a tail as big as a kite. Okay, if you get a child with a tail, that ain't no child, sister. That's some kind of bigfoot monkey, werewolf mutant. Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see people? Hmm? Some of you don't. Some of you don't because you need laser eye surgery.

Look at yourself in the mirror. can see yourself clearly and admit it you need the laser eye surgery but you're not doing it why because you still think it's cool to look like a nerd with your glasses on from 1952 lose the glasses unless you're a foxy librarian then leave them on please the only thing that gets me reading books go to the library just so I can see the foxy librarians but the rest of you get the laser eye surgery, and if you can't afford it, it's time to listen to your little friend here on the Harland Highway, me, Harland Williams.

If you can't afford the laser eye surgery, here's what you do. Rent Star Wars. Rent a Star Trek movie. Rent Battlestar Galactica, if you have to go that low. Put it on, and wait for a scene where the Enterprise shoots the laser beans, the Fulton torpedoes. Wait for a scene where a Jedi warrior gets in a fight with Darth Vader and they're shooting laser guns.

Wait till one of the cyborgs from Battlestar Galactica is peeing a laser beam. Probably, right? And as soon as you see that laser beam on your TV screen, run up, run forward, come forth, and press your face against your face. widescreen TV. Keep your eyes open and press them right against the flat screen.

You just got yourself some free laser eye surgery, people. Mm-hmm. I bet you can see better now. I did it. I see great. I do every now and then catch a cling on in my peripheral, but that's okay. Free is free, right people? Yep, laser eye surgery, keeping you out of the hospital, and on the Harland Highway.

Honk, honk, hoot, toot, boon. Okay, let me ask you if this is embarrassing or awkward in any way for you fine folks, because I'm assuming most of you listening have had multiple. partners during the course of your life maybe not but i'm i'm betting most of yas most of you has had a couple of swings at the bat um so you know you're doing your thing you go out with someone maybe you have a little fling or you date them for three four months or maybe a year or you know who knows a couple of weeks it's pretty hard and heavy it's passionate you know a lot of you know a lot of intimate moments passed between you it was intense it was hot and you know you

drift apart you know it was a great three weeks or you know whatever and you end up moving away and you end up you know going somewhere new and you know 10 years goes by five years goes by three years 12 years whatever and then one day you're at an event or you're at a hockey game or you're at a concert or you're at a party and you turn around or you look up and you lock eyes and there's that person and you see that person you know as they are today hopefully still looking hot and maybe they're with their husband or their boyfriend or their wife or their girlfriend and you look at them and And they're like, oh my God, it's her.

That's the girl that, oh, that's the girl that used to, and nobody else has ever done. And you lock eyes and you go over and you're me like, oh my God, hello, I haven't seen you in so long. Oh, my God, this is crazy. How have you been? Oh, my God. And this is my husband, Jerry.

And you're like, oh, uh, Jerry. Hi, Jerry, you don't know about what we did way back. I mean, how are you, Jerry? You seem like if only you knew the stuff that she did to me. Oh, my, I mean, what do you do, Jerry? What doesn't your wife do? You know what I mean? It's like, suddenly you're thrown into a situation where just inadvertently you've got these crazy,

you've got these crazy secrets together. It almost feels dishonest or crooked or misconduct. chievious or deceitful. It's like, here's this happy-go-lucky husband. Hey, nice to meet you. How do you know my wife? Well, let me tell you how I know your wife, buddy. You see, about seven years ago,

we were at the Motel 6, and, well, they lift the light on for us, if you know what I mean. You know, and you go, oh, I met her at a, we used to work together on a thing, and, you know, it was crazy. just, you know, and then they get that kind of look in their eye, like maybe they suspect, maybe they're onto it. They're like, oh, okay, well, nice to meet you.

You know, the energy, the enthusiasm when they first shook your hand is kind of gone a little as the conversation lingers on. It's like their seven cents, their radar goes off. And they're like, what's up here? and when they get home uh honey what the hell was that what that guy that guy there i could tell something was going on there oh no that happened years ago what happened years ago oh when i used to put my tongue in hey well you asked i'm sure it's happened to all of you it's kind of fun it can be a little exciting and then maybe it goes one step further where they're not with someone

And they're like, hey, give me your number, man. I remember the things we did. Let's do them again. Right? It's almost like you get a second crack at what was really cool. The first time is coming around the bend another time. And what's great is there's no mystery. You know what they're all about, right?

Oh, God. What a world. What a world. That's what's so great about life. It's just so unexpected. You never know what's coming next. I want to be under the sea in the octopus's garden. Something like that.

I'm not a beetle. At best, I may be a ladybug. Octopus garden. You think octopuses have gardens? I don't know. I guess they'd be pretty handy, you know, with all those arms. They could plant seeds and rake and pick and... do all that stuff all at the same time.

I guess, yeah. But what's with octopuses, man? They're the only creatures in the whole ocean next to their cousins, the squids, that swim backwards. I was in a boat the other day on the ocean. I looked down, there's an octopus swimming backwards. I'm like, hey, dumbass. Everyone else is going the other way, stupid.

Hello? They swim backwards. What if two octopuses, Larry the octopus, wanted to meet? Betty the octopus for a date, right? They plan to meet over by the seaweed cove. They're jetting along backwards, and they accidentally pass each other by like three strokes. So now they've got to go all the way around the world again,

backwards, to meet up. Not smart. And what's with the ink? This is their defense system. They squirt ink, okay? What animal in nature, has a defense system that's an office supply, ink? I mean, holy God, you don't see that.

You don't see a zebra running from a lion, and all of a sudden he stops and turns around. He has a elastic band between his hoof and a paper clip bent out, and he starts shooting paper clips. You don't see a gazelle running from a tiger, and he pulls a James Bond and starts throwing a trail of thumbtacks out behind him. The tiger's like, oh, ow, ooh, ow, ow, ow, e, ow, ow, ow, oh. Like an oil slick.

Who uses office supplies? His defenses. Octopuses. You don't need to shoot ink, man. You got eight arms. If something's chasing, you just turn around, flip it off. Eight times at once. I think that was eight.

Up yours eight times. That's like a machine gun up yours. Up yours. I'd like to be driven. driving down a crowded highway with that weapon. Zooming in out of lanes, people cut me off. I'd be like, up yours. Left right and center, man.

I'd get home faster than an ambulance, carrying a fat guy with a sea scallop stuck in his throat. Oh, swim forward octopuses. Octopi. You're named after a dessert. Octopi. Yeah, can I get a couple of pieces of octopi over here with extra whipped cream?

Huh? No, no ink on that. Just some whipped cream, huh? And could you bring it over to me walking backwards, please, waitress? Yeah. But we're not moving backwards here on the Harlan Highway. We're moving forwards. Forward, forwards. And speaking of ink, once again, I want to thank my very special guest today from Hollywood, Inc. Cat Von D. Just a wonderful, wonderful lady, woman.

Enjoyed having her here. Hope you enjoyed having her here. And I would like to remind you, oh my God, folks, big weekend coming up, okay? I've been telling you about it for the last month. You're probably sick of it, but I am super stoked. It's this weekend, Friday, April 2nd. I'm going to be at the Anderson Theater just outside of Indianapolis.

Get your tickets. Go to Harlow Williams.com. There's still a few left. And then the next night's Saturday, April 3rd, I will be in Columbus, Ohio, at the Southern Theater. Another beautiful, gorgeous old theater. It's going to be a stand-up show and a sketch comedy show. Two styles of comedy rolled into one. It's like a granola bar of comedy.

Again, Friday, April 2nd, Indianapolis, the Southern, the Anderson Theater, and then on the third, the Southern Theater in Columbus, Ohio. Go to Harlandwilliams.com. Click on my stand-up schedule for all the details, showtimes, tickets, and all that stuff. And if you don't live in that region, alert your friends and family that do live in the region.

You do not want to deprive them of this show. Very excited about it, as you can tell. And, wow, I just coughed up some ink. Little residue ink in the studio here today from our guest, Kat Von D. That's it for today, folks. I hope you had a good time. Love having you here. always, please come back, tell your friends all about the Harland Highway.

And until next time, Chicken Chow, Maine, baby. There's quite a vocabulary.