The Harland Highway - Podcast 92

Episode Date: March 31, 2010

Troubles in the USA, Government secrets, Technology, and plane watching as a hobby! Trukasaurus meatyus! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who cares? Come on, everybody. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Welcome to the Harland Highway, Earthlings. I am your leader. Yes, I am your leader for the next half hour. Harland Williams here, guiding you down the Harland Highway. And, uh, interesting show today, if I do say so myself, because I did the show, so I guess I have to say that.

Today we're going to be talking about kind of a serious topic, kind of the meltdown of the United States of America, not the whole thing, but pieces of it on a whole. The way that the United States is maybe losing sight of some of its rules, some of its regulations that are watering down us as a society, in my fair opinion. We're going to be talking about government secrets. There's a whole bunch of government secrets out there that you didn't know about.

We're going to be talking about technology. Are you falling in love with your cell phone? Do you have a relationship with it? We're going to talk about it. And then a weird hobby, people who watch airplanes. Stop watching. Just listen to the Harland Highway. just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harland Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Well, hello, hello, hello, and how are you today? Welcome, one and all, to the highway. Yeah, the Harland Highway, and I'm your driver. I'm your limo driver, Harland Williams. And we're driving across America today, and I'm seeing a problem, okay? I'm seeing a problem here in America. I'm seeing a watering down of America.

I'm seeing a meltdown, a breakdown of a system. You know, as free as a society is, everything kind of has to work within a system. Even nature works within a system, or ultimately nature fails. Okay? There's the seasons, there's the ebb and the flow and the tide and the rising of the waters,

and the floodplains and the receding of the waters. and seasons of growth and seasons of mating, there's a structure, there's a game plan. And in any country for it to succeed, it needs to have boundaries, it needs to have parameters. It needs rules in order to function. And this country,

and I hate to start the podcast, off on a gloomy note. A gloomy note, Christopher Walken, but man things are getting watered down okay i watched um some kind of political debate the other day on one of the obscure like c span channels or something like that where a bunch of american senators were talking about important issues and i believe it was a republican senator i can't remember name so whatever but this is what i heard a republican senator

started talking about illegal immigrants. Okay, people who come into the country illegally, stay here illegally, reside here illegally, work here illegally. Now, immediately, your mind's probably going to Mexicans. Well, no. An illegal immigrant, just so we get off on the right foot here, it could be a Mexican, it could be a Canadian,

it could be a European, it could be a Russian, It can be anyone from anywhere else in the world that enters this country illegally, which means it's illegal for them to be here. It's illegal for them to have entered. It's illegal for them to stay. Okay? Illegal means illegal.

Okay? So this Republican senator started talking about illegal aliens, and one of the Democrats, senators chimed in, and without batting an eye, he responded like this. The Republican was like, yes, and we have a problem with these illegal aliens. They need to be documented. And then cut to the Democrat going, yes, I think the undocumented immigrant should be dealt with accordingly. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? Undocumented immigrant? Um, okay, yeah, that's another way of saying it. That's a way of saying it so that you take the word illegal out of the equation and you take the word alien out of the equation and you water it down and make it less offensive to who? The person that's being illegal? the person that's breaking the law and in watering down this title, this name,

aren't you duping the American public by kind of pushing those terms out of the vernacular, eliminating them from the vocabulary so that, you know, the public maybe gets trained and not to hear the word illegal or alien? And therefore, when someone says undocumented immigrant, people become desensitizing. Oh, well, that sounds an undocumented immigrant. I think I'd like to have a bowl of soup with that fella.

That sounds kind of cheery. By the way, what is an undocumented immigrant? Is that like a tourist from Sweden who came to Disneyland and their passport fell out when they were on the roller coaster? Oh, poor fella. no cut it out it is an illegal alien man quit watering things down to the point where they have no meaning that you change the meaning that it doesn't matter anymore that you're cutting the person committing the illegal act a break come on man shame on you for doing that you got to call something what it is you know I mean if someone's caught shoplifting what what are they suddenly uh he's not a shoplifter he

procured some no cost items what I thought he stole them no no no no no stealing involved procured no cost items oh you mean like it was on sale maybe oh well I'm confused and language is kind of mixed me up. I'm not sure what the real meaning is. Procured, no cost items. Get it? I don't think so. I mean, what the hell? How about, what do we want to call rape now? Unplanned intercourse. What? Your Honor, my client is not guilty of rape. My client is only guilty of some unplanned intercourse. Oh, well, if it's just unplanned intercourse. I don't see a problem there.

And by the way, Your Honor, he's an undocumented immigrant. Oh, well, let's get some soup out and what, the poor fellow loses passport over at Disneyland? Yes, but don't worry, Your Honor. He procured a new one at no cost. Oh, okay.

Do you see what's happening here, folks? You're getting duped. You're getting tricked. You're getting people to try and change terminology, thinking they can sneak it by you. And to not bat an eye and just blatantly do it. And I'm not Republican. I'm not Democrat. I'm all about people doing a good job regardless of what party they're with. So don't think I'm sitting here taking sides.

If it was reversed, I would have called the other party out. But in this case, it was a Republican saying, illegal, alien. And it was the Democrat cleverly rearranging the words, so it was a harmless-sounding undocumented immigrant. It's got to stop. You know, next thing you know, you're watering down the military. You're watering down the whole backbone of this country until all the people that shouldn't be doing things are getting away with it.

People that are entering illegally, people that are stealing, people that are raping, people that are doing harm to the country, that aren't doing things the right way, aren't following due process, which I'll go back to the beginning of my statement, is what keeps something functioning. All right? It's like a society is like an engine. You've got to keep it lubricated. You've got to keep it oiled. You've got to make sure all the parts are working to run smoothly.

And if you don't, you're going to break down at the side of the road. and get attacked by vultures and the mutants from the hills have eyes and you can kiss your sweet society goodbye that was running so well. There you go. So be careful. Watch yourself out there. Don't be fooled by the wordsmiths on Capitol Hill who want to dupe you with their clever talk.

And be aware, man. Call people out on that crap. Just like I'm calling them out, right effing now. And that wasn't a swear word I just did. That was a hard English consonant. Let's see, I don't even know what that means, but that's what we're going to get to. Oh, is your head spinning? Mine is. Let's send a message to those guys that are at,

they've got their intelligence at altitude. In other words, they better wise up. They would get their brains out of the clouds. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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trick us because we're not that dumb right here on the Harlan Highway. Hi, this is Harlan Williams. And the government doesn't want you to know. Did you know that pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes? Do you know that if you were to stab a pumpkin in the eyes with two isosceles triangles? People would just think the pumpkin was wearing glasses. I mean, come on, come on. Come on, come on now. Won't you hay?

Okay, got that out of my system. Let's talk about something that's becoming more and more and more and more every day a part of our lives. I mean, it already is integrated, but I think it's just going to get more and more and more and more and more. Computers, technology, Apple. Are you on an Apple people? Do you know that I'm recording this podcast on an Apple right now on my iBook? Yeah, my Pro Mac Macintosh Pro Book MacI. Wow.

Apple is They got all the eyes They should call themselves Potato You know Move right out of Apple And go right into being a potato Because they got so many eyes

I've bought the I book The IMac The iPod The iPhone The iPad And at the end of it

I broke, okay? Yeah, the net result of all those items is I broke. They really hook you in, don't they, man? And all their systems, all their technology, all their gizmos are integrated, right? They all hook up to each other and communicate with each other. Kind of a little spooky. And the iPad, man, like, you know, I see. seriously wonder if the iPad, if many people, many women in particular, are going to think

it's a tampon, right? Like one of those things you put in your undies? Because it seems like Apple is coming out with everything. So why not assume that iPad is an iPad for your busiest day of, you know, bleeding? I hate to be graphic, but, you know, do you think some idiot, you know, goes into the Mac store and buys a $400 iPad and shoves it in her panties and tries walking down the street with this big rectangle in her pants. Super absorbent iPad. And coming soon, eyewings for those lighter days. Yeah.

I mean, it's hard not to fall in love with this technology. right it's like uh hey jim how's it going man oh pretty good pretty good i got a girlfriend no way man who is it oh she's great really how come well we talk all the time we we watch movies together we play video games together we talk on the phone together we text we do it all man wow sounds really great what's your name iphone excuse me iPhone. I'm in love with my iPhone. We're going out to dinner in 10 minutes. I can't talk. Where are you going? I don't know, but we're going somewhere where I can look into her eye and I don't know. Just leave me alone with my iPhone. Oh God. It won't be long until iPhones are

talking to us and people really will be in love with them, right? You can't. You can't You can go out to dinner with someone and, you know, they can't keep away from their phone. It could be a first date. It could be your wife. It could be whoever in the middle of your dinner, they'll pull out their phone and start texting. Like it's the end of the world. Like, oh, my God, I better interrupt this wonderful romantic dinner with this guy. I just met for the first time because I've been having trouble dating.

I've been having trouble holding on to a relationship. But this guy's great. he's got everything I want, all the requirements. I think he's the one, but right in the middle of a romantic dinner, I better text Lucy and tell her that I saw sex in the city today, just so she knows that I saw it. Wait, where's he going?

Come back. I was just texting. You're perfect for me. Why? Oh, well, at least I got my phone. You know, good Lord. Yeah, people are in love having relationships with their iPhones. I wonder when it's going to get, like, too weird, like sexual. And believe me, don't think I'm joking here.

They will come up with it. Something will come along that suddenly makes your phone sexual. And I'm not talking about just watching porno movies on YouTube or whatever. Some kind of button or switch or application. Suddenly you'll be able to have intimate relations with your phone. Oh, hey, baby, you want to do it tonight? Oh, yes. Press my five and my four number.

Oh, we did that last night. Can I press the six and the nine? I don't do 69. Well, I'm getting a new phone then. Sorry, you have me for two years. You signed a plan. Oh, Christ, okay. Right?

Oh, God. You just know something's coming down the pipe. and then now I've seen something interesting online, of course, where Apple supposedly in the rumor mill is starting to get into, like, clothing and eyewear. And I'm not talking about, like, just, you know, they're designing sports suits or spandex for the gym.

They're designing interactive clothing that's got, like, computer capabilities in it, like sensors and keypads, and somehow your clothing is communicating with your brain and your body. And I saw an article where they're developing eyewear that's going to integrate, you know, computer logic. And the eyewear is going to see what, you know, the computer and the eyewear is going to see what you're seeing, obviously. And it's said in this article that the eyewear is going to help you make decisions.

Wow Imagine that, you're just on the way to the store to pick up some milk and some butter and suddenly your glasses are going Why don't you go to the Mac store? Huh, what? Who said that? It was me, your glasses. What, what, go where?

I know you're going to get milk and butter, but wouldn't it be great if you drop by the Mac store? Hmm, now that you mention it, maybe pick up a new $3,000 computer and some programs, and, well, I can't afford that. Oh, I think you. you can. Are you helping me make decisions? Yep.

Okay, I'm going to do it. Smart move, because I was about to make you steer your car into that tree and kill you. What? Nothing, Hal. I didn't say nothing, Hal. Why don't you go to the Mac store now, Hal?

Daisy, Daisy, I love you. I'm half crazy. Yeah, there you go. I slipped right into 2001 of Space Odyssey. Oh, it's getting creepy, but somehow I like it. I like it.

It's all of a government plan. They're taking over. Hi, this is Harland Williams. And the government doesn't want you to not. Did you know that soup is not soup? Soup is actually old people's bathwater. Skin flakes and chunks and old people broth. That's where soup comes from.

The government doesn't want you to know. I mean, come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on now. Won't you, hey, hey, come on? Here's an observation I've made about some of our bigger, bulkier technology, airplanes. We've all flown, at least most of us, and if you haven't, welcome to the Flintstones. But have you ever noticed at airports? Okay, next time you're flying in or you're landing, take a look at the perimeter.

Look at the end of the runway, or take a peek up on the roof that the highest, level of the parking garage um you know people can park up on that that final layer up on the roof you drive around in circles and circles and circles and circles do you finally get to the top check that out because what what we have are these weird people and if you're if you're one of them and you're listening you're just weird there's people that go to the airport they don't have a bagpack they're not going on a trip they go to the airport and wallow in the exhaust fumes of the landing jets and the departing jets, and they stand outside the fence, leaning on their cars or leaning over the roof of the garage,

the top floor of the garage, and they go there and they watch planes land. There's this little group of people, I guess that's their hobby. They don't like nature, so they didn't bother to do any bird watching. You want to go look for the rare three-crested honey-dripper bird? Hell no, I don't want to go in the woods. Can't we just go to the airport and watch a jet land? Okay, sounds fun. I mean, who came up with that hobby?

That's like standing on an overpass on a highway and watching cars go by. What? I mean, how does that work? You go to the airport, it's like, there goes a jet, there goes a jet, there a jet landed, another jet landed, there's another one taken off, another one landing, there's another one taking off, another one landed, another one took off. Okay, that's six hours, let's go home. What the hell is that?

you know what I think it is I think it's the evil caneval syndrome and for those of you younger listeners who don't know who evil caneval is and you should just because of that kick-ass name evil caneval was a stunt motorcycle guy

from the 60s and 70s I think he even went into the 80s a little bit and he was like one of the top guys in the world who would jump his motorcycle over ridiculous things like you know I actually saw him live jump 13 Mac trucks once.

And he did it flawlessly, but this guy used to jump over the fountain at Caesar's Palace in Vegas. He would jump over cars. He would jump over, you know, all kinds of things. And I think the reason people really went to see him was not to see him do a nice jump. They wanted to see him wipe out.

I think what they really were paying for is hoping he'd have a spectacular crash. The bike exploding on impact is raggedy and body flopping and flipping and spinning out of control for 600 feet before it smashed into a wall and he just laid there limp with bones broken and stretchers and ambulances and fire extinguishers. So I'm wondering if these people that hang out at the airports, if they're just, you know, waiting to see a place. plane crash.

I mean, you got to figure there's got to be an end game to the whole, you know, watching the planes take off and land. It's not that exciting. So I'm guessing there's kind of a dark side to these hobbyists who are just waiting for like a Southwest airline to flip end over end or, you know, an American jumbo jet to lose its brakes and crash through the terminal or. you know, a British Airways jet to blow up in flames or careen off the end of the runway or something.

If you're going to the airport and watching planes go up and down, you might as well get a job at a office building and stand there and just ride the elevator all day. Kind of weird, but maybe that's a good thing, because that's what I kind of like here on the Harland Highway is weirdos. Hi, this is Harlan Williams. And the government doesn't want you to know. Did you know that people with moles are really catfish?

That when you see those hairs coming out of their moles, those aren't hairs. They're catfish whiskers. Try throwing a hook with a worm on the end of it. in front of someone with a mole on their face and watch how fast they go for it. People with moles are catfish. I mean, come on, come on, come on, come on now. Won't you hey, won't you hey, won't you hey? Come, come, come on.

Yes, come on indeed. And when I say, come on, come on this weekend, people. Okay, if you live in Indianapolis or Indiana or Columbus or Columbus or. Ohio or even in Ohio. This is the big weekend where yours truly is bringing his major stand-up show to beautiful theaters. I will be April 2nd, that's Friday, April 2nd at the Anderson, in the city of Anderson, at the Paramount Theater, a wonderful, gorgeous theater where I'm going to be doing my

stand-up show. and then an intermission, and then a sketch show with comedy participation and improvisation, and it's just going to be a blast. So get your tickets. You can go to ticks.com for that, or you can go for the show in Columbus at the Southern Theater, which is the next night on Saturday, April 4th. You can go to Ticketmaster and get your tickets there where we will be doing the same show, just another gorgeous, beautiful theater.

So I cannot wait for that. And if you don't live in the neighborhood, please alert your friends that do live in the neighborhood. It is going to be a sweet, sweet show. And then if you live further away, if you're in the Florida area, yours truly me again will be at the improv in miami florida uh that will be uh april 15th through the 18th great times to be had down there and um you know maybe if you're one of those plane watchers you can stand at the end of the runway and watch my plane come in and uh you know maybe i'll save my chicken breast from the meal and throw it out as we're flying overhead and

try and whack you in the forehead. Would that be fun? So there you go. Thank you so much for visiting the podcast today. I hope you're having a good time. I sure am. Feel free to leave me your phone calls at 323-215-1486. And I hope to catch you next time.

And until then, my friends, chicken chow main, baby. Hi, this is Harland Williams. And the government doesn't want you to know. The candles come from factories in Cambodia where children have their earwax scraped out three times a day. So if your house smells like the inside of a Cambodian kid's head, now you know why. The government doesn't want you to know.

I mean, come on, come on, come on, hey, come on, won't you now? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.