The Harland Highway - Podcast 93

Episode Date: April 2, 2010

Easter special with a visit from the Easter Bunny. Modern cameras and cell phone relationships, and of course, Dr. Ascot. Holy wing wang sauce! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show. It's our special, special Easter show. And I do believe this is kind of exciting. Never had him in the studio before. The Easter bunny is going to be dropping by for a visit to do an interview, have a little chit-chat, talk about the whole Easter thing, which is cute. I'm sure he's going to be a cute little bundle of fuzz.

And we're going to be talking about Easter in general, the meaning behind it. And do you find it kind of an odd holiday celebration? I don't know. Let's discuss. We're going to be talking about the modern dilemma of taking pictures with your digital cameras that have way too much technology, your cell phones, which you don't know how to use, you don't know how to take pictures with. and I dare say I'm very suspicious that you are actually having a love affair

and developing a security blanket complex with your cell phones. And then lastly, yes, it's Friday, and I have to visit with that annoying therapist, my on-air therapist, Dr. Ascott, but don't let that stop you. Let's get on the highway. Here we go. It's the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn.

Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan. I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway.

I'm not your daddy. Hmm. Oh boy. This is exciting. Here we are on the Harland Highway. I'm Harland Williams, your host. What a guest I have in here today. As you know, Easter's coming up.

We thought it would be a great time to bring the Easter Bunny in to say hello, talk about Easter a little bit. So Easter Bunny, thanks for coming. Hey, thanks for having me. It's great to be here on, what is it? The Harland Highway. Yeah, the Harland Fried Egg, whatever it is. You excited about Easter coming? Not really.

Why not? Well, my ass hurts. What do you mean your ass hurts? Well, how would you feel if you had to run around and lay eggs all over the place for those brady little kids? Wait a minute. Yeah, that's right. Those colored eggs come right out of my furry little bunny tail, okay? And it hurts like hell.

I'm chapped. You're chapped? Yeah, I'm chapped all around my bunny hole. Okay, let's not get too graphic. And I can't tell you how many gallons of Kool-Aid I've had to drink, for God. sake. Kool-Aid, what are you talking about? How the hell do you think I get those eggs the funny colors, you moron? All right, simmer down.

Don't tell me to simmer down. You know how many gallons of goofy grape and crazy cherry and nutty lemon I've had to drink? Okay, look, you seem like you're in a pretty foul mood. Yeah, well, you would be too if you had to run around and squat in the bushes and lay eggs all day for those bratty little freaks. Okay, I don't think you're really... embracing the spirit of Easter. Why don't you come here and I'll lay an egg right on your face

you freight? All right, we're going to go to a song. You've got to calm down. Ah, yours. Okay, we're going to a song. We'll be right back here on the Harland Highway. You got a cigarette or anything? We're going to be right back. How about a cigar? I can use a smoke.

Come on. Harland Williams. I guess it is a little weird, right? The whole Easter Bunny thing concept. Like, where did that come from? Like, wasn't it the son of God who created our universe, Jesus Christ, the Lord's Savior, Silence of the Lamb, or Son of the Lamb, or whatever it is?

Wasn't this the day where he rose from the dead and we celebrate him being lifted off into heaven? And somehow out of that, like, most religious of moments, that most sanctimonious moments of moments we get a pink bunny rabbit running around hiding eggs like where's the connect here people I'm missing something

you know that's like if it was like you know the Holocaust from World War II and we had a guy that dressed up as a piece of cake and wandered through the streets and told everyone that murdering people was bad.

Like, where does it come from? Bunny Rabbit and Jesus Christ. I'm not sure I'm getting the connection. Was that God's day of being? Everything's so serious down there. I think I want something cute. My son was talking. to a cross, and prickles were put in his head, and he was whipped and poked and stabbed,

and nailed to a piece of wood and hung out to die for days and days. How about a bunny rabbit? Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hallelujah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hallelujah. What's up, Doc? What the hell? Maybe I'm just clued out.

Am I the only idiot in the room? Shh, be very, very quiet. We're having a crucifixion. I mean, if I'm clued out, call me at 323, 215, 1486. Let me know how out of the loop I am. but what the hell? A bunny rabbit and the resurrection of our Lord's Savior.

Not really getting it, folks. Maybe the bunny can explain it to us. It's good Friday, and what a treat we have for you here. Oh, my gosh. It's the Easter bunny. It doesn't have much time. He came in.

Great to see you. Have a seat. Are you kidding me? I can't sit down. Are you nuts? Why not? Why don't you sit down and talk to us? Do you know how many eggs I've laid today? Oh, right, right. So today's the day you start getting all the eggs out there. I won't be able to sit down for about five months. What are you talking about?

Are you kidding? I've been popping eggs out right, left and center. My ass is so chapped. I mean, I swear to God, it looks like the ring around Saturn. Okay, let's not get over. graphic here. You got any cream? You got any Perel hand moisturize anything? I just, oh my God! It's like a Johnny Cash song, Ring of Fire. All right, come on. Don't come on me. I'm the one that's been squatting in the bushes for the last 48 hours. Popping those little colored eggs out all over the place. Those little bastards better appreciate it. I can't even walk straight.

Okay, look, we came in, we had you in here so you could talk about it. about Easter. Talk about the joys of Easter, the wonderment of Easter. How about the ass cream of Easter? I'm not kidding. You got any preparation age? Okay, enough. Just give me a cigarette or a cigar, so I'm up getting out of here. You got a joint? Okay, get out of here. Ah, up yours. Give me a cigarette. Happy Easter, everybody. Ah, up yours. Get out of here. Boy, what a cranky guy that Easter rabbit is. Man, what the hell's his problem. how hard can it be running around and bringing good cheer and eggs and whatever but i guess

everybody gets cranky you know what makes me cranky man oh i hate even thinking about this people who do not know how to use their cameras you wouldn't believe i mean remember the old days cameras were like you put the film in and you took the picture and you spun the little thing to advance the film. That was it. It was like red light, yellow light, green light. Three-step process. Click, wind, snap. Okay? Now you've got these cameras, the digital cameras with the zooms and the videos and the low light, the highlight, the portrait, the outdoor function, the indoor function, the flash is on, the flash is off. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

It's like you've got to have a degree from IBM to work your own camera. And believe me, man, no one feels it more than me because, you know, I meet and greet a lot of people after my comedy shows, which, by the way, I love to do. It's great to meet people, but you cannot believe the percentage of people, and it's high, people, okay? It's probably 80%. You know, people walked up.

me can i do a picture i'm like yeah let's do a picture man and about four minutes later after i've had my arm around some big chubby italian guy for for two minutes they finally get the shot but guess what the functions weren't set so it's upside down it's in the dark it's sideways it's somebody's heads cut off okay and that's just the cameras okay now let's get into the camera phones people the camera phones people do not know how to use them oh my god it's like counting down for a uh a launch for the shuttle craft there's so much technology involved and there's so much time taken and it's some of the cameras have flashes some of them dogs like do it again do it again oh i didn't get it let me try it again take your hand off the thing or turn it the other way

You know, people are trying to take a picture with their cell phones and they're accidentally calling my dad in Australia. I know that makes no sense, but they're pressing every button but the camera button. And again, don't get me wrong. I enjoy taking pictures, but people get the knowledge. Get the knowledge to take the picture before you take it. Okay?

And check your batteries. I can't tell you how many times people have loved. lined up for half an hour to do a picture after a show. And they get up there and their battery dies. Their little lens comes popping out. Okay, everybody said, wait, what was that? Everybody says it,

wait, no, wait, yeah, the lens goes back in. It's like a man that can't perform. That lens pops out and then just as quickly shrivels back into the camera because it's got no battery life. It's like stuff of Viagrin, that damn camera, man. So that's my pet peeve. That's what I get cranky about.

Figure out how to work your gosh darn cameras. Hi, this is Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway with another friendly time-saving tip. Have you purchased a disposable camera? Why not save time and instead of taking pictures Just immediately throw the disposable camera right into the garbage You'll save your finger from getting cramped And you won't have to develop those annoying snapshots

So remember, take your disposable camera and dispose of it immediately It'll save time and give you more time to spend with your family And create cherished memories Just another friendly tip from me. Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Okay, so we have cell phones and we've had pagers. We've got text messengers and blackberries. It's almost impossible to hide anymore.

Everybody's wired. Everybody's got a phone. Everyone can be reached somehow, somewhere. And I'm thinking, what's next? You know, what is the next phase? Let's say you turn your cell phone off. Okay, hey, I want a day off. I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to talk to my friends or my family or my neighbors. I need some alone time, man. And that's when you notice, like, two guys from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, perched up on a cliff with a tranquilizer rifle. You get a dart right in the neck. Oh, hey man, what did you guys shoot at me for? I don't understand. And then you just pass out.

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some kind of radio transmitter hello come in china next thing you know you got one of these tracking devices around your neck you know the kind they put on the on the grizzly bears and the caribou and the mountain lions welcome to the world of full-on tracking service where the hell were you tonight oh you know i was just dealt with the guys we uh stopped by omalis to have a beer have a few chicken wings yeah nice try your tracking device says you were at the holiday inn sucker what the hell are you doing in there watching the baseball game and eating chicken wings with my buddies my ass you're in there spreading wings that's for sure don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't

yeah it is getting more and more with the cell phones man have you noticed people just it's almost like there used to be a point in time when you weren't talking to someone or you were alone or you're sitting waiting for a bus or you're waiting for the waiter to bring your meal or you know you're standing in a line or anything like that you just stood there

you know you let your mind wander you imagine things you probably thought about your friend you thought about you know the state of the world You thought about what's happening in life. Maybe you thought of endangered sea turtles or a herd of zebra or King Kong on the Eiffel Tower, even though he was on the Empire State Building. Slip up. But now there's no downtime, man.

If there's any lull in anything, you just watch. People are bent down. They're in that pose, that classic pose where their head is down, right? Like they're walking in a 17th century soup line with chains around their ankles, right? And they're slugging through an old warehouse wearing a potato sack and their heads are hanging low as they make their way down the long, endless line to get a bowl of sludge. That's the same pose people have when they've got their head hanging and they're holding their cell phone in their hand. have you noticed yeah

and that's what people do in their downtime now there's no there's no reading a book there's no uh there's no daydreaming anymore now people are looking at their cell phones looking at messages going on the website playing uh solitaire playing video games watching youtube it's weird it's taken over man

we are really becoming a plugged in society and it's getting to the point where I think people start to have anxiety now. If they don't have their little go-to buddy, their little phone, I think people get insecure now. It's almost like, remember Linus from Charlie Brown? And he had his little security blanket. Yeah, now that's becoming our little blue blanket, our cell phones. We don't want to be seen without them.

We don't want to be without them. We don't want to feel them. We don't want to not look at them. My blanket, Charlie Brown. My blanket. I can't be without it. Honestly, when your kid's born, forget about giving him a blanket or a teddy bear.

Just, oh, look, he's only four hours old. Quick, give him an iPhone. Oh, my God, he's got to snuggle up to this iPhone. It's a security device. See, I keep passing out. I can't be without my blanket. I need my blanket, Johnny Brown. Yeah, that's what we're like, man.

You know it. You can sit there and go, not me, man. I don't do that with my phone. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. People can barely get through a movie anymore, through a live show. You'd be amazed at the number of people during my live shows

whip out their cell phones and start texting and looking at stuff. I have to bust them from on stage. Hey, dude, are you? What are you doing? Texting my jokes to your friends? No, I just, I was feeling a little detached because even though my phone's hanging on my belt,

I hadn't really interacted with it in about 16 minutes, and I didn't want it to have separation anxiety. And the truth is I was having separation anxiety, and I need to communicate with my phone and touch its button. and interface Wow Yeah, it's true That's where we're headed, folks

Be careful how much you love your phone It's not like the old days Remember when our phones hung on the wall We didn't care They were inanimate objects It's like, ah, you left the house When you came home, maybe it rang, maybe it didn't It's not like we

Before we went out, we're like Okay, you'd be a good phone Stay here. Daddy's got to go to work. He'll be home soon, and I'm going to come home later at 4 o'clock and press your buttons, and maybe we'll go for a walk around the block, and Daddy'll throw the frisbee for your phone. No, there wasn't this relationship with your phone that you have now, man. Ooh, it's getting creepier.

And who knows what phones are going to do, you know, three years from now? And I know I've already talked about that, so I won't go down that road, but wow, I think, you know, Apple better come out with the eye engagement ring for all these people that want to get married to their phones, man. In fact, I better jump off and take a quick break. I got to go give my iPhone a sponge bath and I'm putting some hot rocks on its back.

So I don't want it to get stressed. So be right back right after this where I stress. out with my horrible therapist. Harlan Williams here on a Friday afternoon. It's the end of the week. And if I sound a little miffed, it's because it's Friday. And every Friday, the powers the be at the station make me do this stupid therapy session because some of them think I'm not all together here.

So I have to do this mandatory therapy session. with Dr. Ascot. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Holland. What are we doing this time? Holland. Look, don't start saying my name over and over. Holland. Come on, man. Do you have to... Holland, it helps calm you down. No, it doesn't calm me down. You know what? It irritates me. Holland. That irritates me. Holland. Can we just get into it? Holland, this week I want you to try chanting

to release your inner angst. Chanting. That's what I said, Holland. Okay, what exactly is chanting? Arlen, put your hands out and go aw... Okay, you know what, Ascot, it sounds like you just had a really emotional bowel movement.

Holland. What are we, what was that? Stop it. Would you knock off the chanting? Ascot! Ascott! Holland, I want you to chant to release your inner angst. You're the only.

one giving me inner angst. Holland. Put your hands out, Holland. Okay, they're out. Now chant. Ah. Holland, you can do it longer and deeper. Oh, God.

Longer and deeper, Ireland. Okay, don't say that like that. It sounds very suggestive. Longer and deeper, Holland. Stop it! Ohm! Excellent, Holland.

Excellent, Holland. Excellent job. Okay, are we done? No, Arlen. Now I want you to chant the same way. And in the middle of it, I want you to turn into a dairy cow. What? Just do it, Holland.

No. Holland. Oh, anything to end this idiocy. Ah, meh. Excellent, Arland, excellent release of the angst. Do it again. No. Holland, I will move with you, and we will be a herd of cows.

Oh, mehs. They are happy Excellent, Arlen, we became a herd of cows. Now I will milk you. Get out of here. Holland. Get out of here, you freak.

Holland. Out, out, out. That's it. I've done my time. We'll see you next week, folks, on the Harland Highway. Have a great weekend. Holland, would you like to chew some. Cud. Get out of here.

It's Harland Williams. Now, before I let you go, all you grazing cattle, dairy cows, I want you all to herd your asses towards my amazing comedy gig this weekend. As I've been telling you, you're probably sick of it,

but tonight is the night. The first, night of my two-night theater tour in the Midwest. The first show will be tonight in Anderson, Indiana. It's just outside of Indianapolis. Gorgeous, gorgeous theater. I'm going to be doing stand-up and sketch comedy. It's going to be almost, you know, two and a half, three-hour show.

And come on out. Come on out. If you don't live in the region, tell your buddies, your friends, your friends, your family that do. We'd love to see you there. And then tickets are available at tix.com, T-I-X.com. Or you can go to the Paramount Theater website

for Anderson, Indiana. And then Saturday night, I am in Columbus, Ohio, at the Southern Theater doing the same show with the same zip, the same energy, the same enthusiasm, as they're going to be getting in Anderson. So come on out. Tickets for the Columbus show are available at Ticketmaster.com.

For more details, just click on my stand-up schedule here at harlomwilliams.com. And it's going to be a great time. Really hope you can make it out. And, you know, it's one of these situations I'm plugging it so much because if it does well and there's a good reaction from the folks, then I'm going to start doing more and more theaters and bringing not just my stand-up, but my improv comedy show, which comes along with it. So there you go.

That is it for me. It's Easter. It's springtime, joy and love, and rabbit fur is in the air. And until next time, chicken, chow, Maine, baby. Hey everybody, this is the Easter Bunny here on the Holland Highway. Just wanted to remind you that two things come out of me, Easter eggs and something that looks a lot like chocolate-covered raisins and peanuts. So this Easter, remember, enjoy my Easter eggs.

Not so much my chocolate-covered raisins. Happy Easter from the Holland Highway. Can I get a cigarette over here? Anybody got a cigarette?