The Harland Highway - Podcast 95

Episode Date: April 7, 2010

Using up ink cartridges, Celebrity races, How to rate actors, truck tires, how was your Easter. Cranberry crinkle corn everybody!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, folks. Paul Newman here reminding you to buy Newman's own Countrytime Lemonade, full of sassy... Okay, I'm not Paul Newman. Tried to trick you right out of the gate. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am Harland Williams, and what a podcast we have for you today. Today we're going to be talking about printing things on your laser jet printer or the printer that you have at home, and how much damn... ink it takes and how much that damn ink costs. We're going to the Celebrity Racetrack today, which is always a treat.

I think heads up, I think Jesus is running today, so that's going to be fun. We're going to be talking about actors, who are the good ones, who are the bad ones, what justifies good acting, bad acting. We're going to be talking about truck tires in the middle of the road, and we're just going to have little ketchup on the winter season and your Easter and all the things you've been doing and all the things you're about to do in your life. So put your bunny ears on. Get your truck tires fastened.

Let's go. It's time to rock and roll right down the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harland Highway. Hi, Harlan? I'm Teddy Routspin, I'm your friend. Writing down the Harland Highway.

I'm not your daddy. B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, and bingo was his name. imagine your name was bingo i mean how the hell did you get that name instead of breathing during labor your mother was like you know most most uh doctors are like push breathe breathe oh push push breathe one two three four instead it was like i 52 three four under the end 26 five six the oh, 29. Bingo! And bingo was his name. Okay, that was probably the dumbest thing I've ever said, okay?

Just note to yourself, I started off podcast 95 with the dumbest thing I've ever come up with. I hate myself. And normally I just love myself to death. I normally take myself out for a nice lobster dinner I adorn myself with presents I Oh boy There's probably the dumb police calling Hang on

Will you shut that thing off Okay sorry Cranky and weird This podcast is starting off cranky and weird I'll tell you what else Can make one cranky and weird You ever have to go online

and you decide to print up a movie ticket or a boarding pass or directions or a map quest or something like that, right? And the sneaky devils that run all these websites, they'll make the map or the boarding pass. You know, it'll be about a third of the page. And then the rest of the page is like, you know, advertisements for Zit Cream and Billy McCrack. Crackens, uh, crab claw restaurant and the weather report and, uh, CNN and, you know, all these colored advertisements that, um, fill out, fill out the rest of the page, right? And then when you go to print your boarding pass or your movie tickets or your map quest or whatever it might be, um, it always says print here, right?

And big block letters. It's like print here. And then if you look closely at the rest of the page in really tiny letters, like faint blue letters, it'll say, print here without advertisements. So they make no effort to alert you to the fact that you can actually print what you need without the weather report and the brightly colored advertisement for restaurants and all that other crap that fills the page, right? So more often than not, you miss it,

and you just hit print now, hoping to get your boarding pass. But what you really get is a ink-sucking vacuum experience of financial ruins proportions. Because hear me out here. How much does it cost you people to refill? or replace your ink cartridges in your laser jet printer. Like those little cartridges of pink and blue

and yellow and orange and magenta and black, those little tiny cartridges are about, what, like 40 bucks each, all right? And you go to print up your boarding pass, which is in black and white, by the way, but all the other graphics on your boarding pass the advertisements and everything else are brightly colored and they're big

and you can just hear the ink being sucked from your laser jet printer thanks man I just swallowed all your ink right and then you've got this boarding pass and you know the top part is your actual boarding pass and the rest it looks like a rainbow in your hand and you're like are you kidding me man you just cost me like sixty dollars in laser jet ink you bastards you know you should be able to go go in and charge mcdonalds or whoever whoever tricked you into printing that piece of paper and using up all your

ink that adds up man i ain't no miser and i'm sure you're not either but first of all it's hard to believe that these damn inks cost so much right like a bottle of vitamins costs like you know four dollars and you're telling me a bunch of colored liquid cost 60 bucks a pop what are they uh what are they mining squid and octopus at uh some kind of uh extravagant resort it's like uh you know milk-fed veal they're uh they're feeding these octopi uh high-end uh gold ballpoint pens so that their ink is more refined please so anyways all i'm saying is a be aware of the trick don't just print something without looking around for the small print where you can print without all the BS and second of all you dummies that advertise on there you owe us you owe us a free meal

you owe us a free trip you owe us whatever your advertising is probably cheaper than the ink you cost me like holiday inn or motel 6 as a special you know one room for 45 bucks on uh you know any certain night guess what The inq you cost me far surpasses the expense of one of your dirty, greasy rooms. So there you go. That's my rant. Watch what you print. Because chances are you're printing money.

Yeah, the money flying out of your damn wallet. Okay, you know what? I think we're at the portion of the podcast where we just need to take a break and relax and have some R&R, do some recreational activity. And what better way to unwind than going to the Harland Highway Celebrity Race Track that we have out back behind the studio here where we take thoroughbred celebrities

and we put them on the track and let them rip. We let them race and rip around this track and we make them run until they're going to run. is a winner. So this is going to be fun. It's always exciting. Great way to unwind. Let's go to our announcer, our race announcer, Mr. Charles Parsley, here at the Harland Highway racetrack. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Charles Parsley, and welcome to another wonderful day of racing. Today in lane one we have Jesus Christ, Son of God, Jesus Christ in lane one.

In lane two, it's pop singer Madonna, lane three, Sarah Jessica Parker, the wonderful actress from Sex and the City, and everybody's favorite, Will Smith in lane five. They're getting ready, they're lining, and there they go, they're off, they're off, they're off, they're running, they're thundering down the track. It looks like Jesus Christ, son of God is out in the lead. he's taking a wide lead moving forward but wait here comes madonna madonna is coming closer he seems to be distracting the son of the lord she's lifted up a dress she's flashing the son of the lord and look out look out here comes sarah jessica park on the inside lane she's making up headway and will smith Will Smith comes around the first turn and Will Smith has stopped He stopped in the middle of the track To smile and wave at the crowd

And apparently try to make everybody happy The way that he always does And so back down on the tracks Sir and Jessica Parker galloping her curly hair bouncing in the breeze And Madonna, Madonna, oh my God Madonna still flashing the son of the Lord Jesus Christ

And Jesus Christ has pulled out some holy water He's sprinkling it in her eyes like a scene right out of the exorcist Madonna on the ground smoke billowing from her face as if she's melting like the wicked witch of the west oh my goodness Jesus now moving on down the track

it looks like he's floating yes Jesus Christ is taking a break he's clearly out of breath he's floating down the track and Will Smith Will Smith still standing in front of the crowd trying to appease them trying to be the every man actor that he is borderline boring

the crowd to death he just stands there and does that goofy smile that he's so well known for. And Sarah Gaparka seems to be picking up the pace. She's coming in on Jesus Christ. She pulls on his robe and trips Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ rolling in the mud. Jesus Christ throws a bolt of lightning and Sarah Jessica Parker hitting her right in the bottom. And it looks like Madonna's trying to get up. She's stumbling around blindly. Her face smoldering. She's smoldering and she just tripped over the guardrail. And here it comes. It looks like it Jesus Christ. And Sarah, Jessica Parker. They're coming down to the wire. It's Jesus Christ out in front. But here comes, Sarah, Jessica Paz. She's sticking out her chin. The mole on the end of her chin. The mole, it's going to be a photo finish.

It's just Jared, Jessica Parker's mole. Beats out Jesus Christ, just inching across the finish line. An incredible race here at the Holland Highway racetrack. Sarah, Jessica Parker. I'm Charles Parsley. Thank you for joining us. Wow, wow, wow, wow, what a race. God, I love those races. My heart's pumping. Lord Savior, son of God, tearing it up, and who knows where Will Smith went. That guy just probably bored everyone to death. I don't know.

That guy's not my favorite actor in the world. I always judge actors by when you look back, okay, or I judge a movie. When you look back, like, you know, I look at something. and then I'll try and picture myself 20 years in the future and I look back and I go, was that dynamic? Was that powerful? Did that move me? Was that really funny?

Was it really well done? Was it really? You know, that's how I judge movies and actors and things like that. And, you know, a guy like Jack Nicholson, man, anyone could go back in 20 years after he's dead or whenever and look at probably night. 95% of his movies and just go, wow. Look at that guy.

Look at him act. Look at the style. Look at what he does. You know, people could probably, I don't know how much I like him anymore, but you could go back and look at Sean Penn and Marlon Brando and people like that. But I just don't know if you can go back and look at Will Smith and go, oh, my God, look at the depth of that acting. And, oh, my God, look at him. I mean, to me, he's kind of the.

the king of like the cheesy like fake smile and the you know the cliche lines hey little help here man little help here or the uh you know the uh the obligatory um oh that's got a hurt oh that that hurts you know he just he feels like he's that actor to me i'm just uh you know i've just never been overwhelmed by him and I'm a bit confused that he's such a giant movie star, but, you know, I wonder if you go back in time and look at his body of work, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. don't throw your back out um you would be stirred by it moved by it i think one of my favorite roles from him which came early in his career i think it was called six degrees of separation i think it was him and donald sutherland and uh i think it was just impressed it was one of those very wordy movies where there was tons of dialogue and tons of monologues and and uh will Smith was an emerging actor and I have to say I was impressed at

how much dialogue he had to memorize and uh but all his big action movies and stuff I've never uh been drawn to that guy so so there you go there's my little uh

my my little uh I don't know what do you want to call it that would be my um protocol I guess for uh for movies I'm watching movies. But what do I know? I'm just an actor who does movies

and someone may go back in time and look at my movies and go, oh boy. Ouch, oh boy. Someone get me some Will Smith because this is Harlan Williams. Not that I put myself at Will's level, believe me, but anywho. I want to give a shout out to all the people

that came out to catch my theater show in Anderson, Indiana, and Columbus, Ohio on the Easter weekend there. I mean, man, did we have a good time? And I did something new that I've never done before. I did a stand-up show and then took an intermission and then brought an improv show. We brought people up out of the crowd. We took suggestions from the crowd. You made everything up on the spot.

We did this great kind of singing piece at the end. We closed the show with a musical number. I kind of embellished from Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Trailer Park. And people really reacted to it, really responded. And I want to thank everybody that did come out and hope to see out there next year when I'm definitely going to come through and do it all again. And one of the guys I met in Anderson, this really nice gentleman came up to me at the end of the performance, great big hands. I mean, this guy's, he didn't shake my hand, he shook my face.

Okay, this guy's hand, I thought he had a baseball glove on at first. Just a monster hand. And when you hear what he does, you'll see why he's a truck driver. This very nice guy, a truck driver named Woody. grape shook my hand i think my hand just about uh you know fell off but i like a guy with a with a strong handshake it to me that says they have a lot of character and they're a real man right and he probably needs those giant hands to steer that big wheel on his big rig and change his wheels and stuff and and woody uh showed up with his with his wonderful daughter and uh he took the time to say hello to me after

of the show and uh hello woody thanks for coming out and uh woody told me that he was a truck driver and uh so you see he had he's a big framed guy not not a fat guy just he was a big man with big giant hands probably throwing uh cargo into the back of his rig you know picking up uh redwood logs and throwing them up onto the rig and you know big truck driver huh you know like eats nine omelets for breakfast, and if he hits anything and causes roadkill, eats that too. Ah, I'm a truck driver. But anyways, I got thinking about truck driving, and I wanted to ask Woody and all of you out there, what the hell is it with trucks when they get a flat tire?

Okay, and I'm talking about big rigs, 18 wheelers. You ever notice if anybody gets a flat tire in their Hyundai or their Dodge Neon or their charger, or their Mustang, or whatever, the tire just kind of flops around, you roll to the side of the road, okay? But how many of you have been out there driving? And all of a sudden it looks like a flock of crows or a giant bat

or some giant strips of burnt bacon or all over the highway? You ever see that, like a truck tire? When they pop, they just, like, blow up, and they shred, and there's, like, chunk, a rubber. It looks like somebody's harvesting rubber trees down in the Amazon and looks like an airplane tire fell out of the sky. It's just, do you ever notice? It's like for about eight miles down the road. If a truck tire goes, everyone knows about it. There's like strips of tire bake

and all the way down the highway and they're all shredded and there's little pieces of wire sticking out and people are weaving all over. Suddenly, you know, the highway went from a nice peaceful Sunday drive to your like on an obstacle course look out for the bat harold look out for the flock of crows dad it's just crazy man it's like it's like a rubber buffet out there you know you get past one chunk and then there's another chunk

so I guess my question is why why don't these tires just kind of go flat they wobble a little bit you guys pull over to the side of the road and take them off and pop on a freshie what's with the cavalcade of rubber what's with the rubber parade out there and you know logic tells me

it's probably because of the extreme weight and size of the vehicles and maybe there's so many wheels on an 18 wheeler that maybe the truckers don't realize one of the tires have gone flat that's what I'm guessing but if you're a truck driver out there listening, you can always call me at 323-215-14-86.

3-2-3-2-1-4-86. And let me know why it rains rubber when you guys pop a tire. And just getting back to Woody for a minute, I wanted to thank Woody because Woody told me, he goes, Harlan, I'm a truck driver, and listen to the Harland Highway all the time. And it never occurred to me

that this is like the perfect podcast to keep those gentlemen and even the women hauling hauling across the country and their big rigs that, you know, this would help kill a little time and entertain them and hopefully make them laugh. So Woody, thank you.

Say hi to your daughter for me. And, you know, this is going out to all the truck drivers out on that lonely road. Tell all your trucker friends to tune into the Harland Highway. We are trucker friendly, and I'm hoping I can keep you awake and keep you cats entertained as you motor down all the highways crisscross in this country. I'm here with you, Harlan Williams, right here on the Harlan Highway. What the hell is that? Ah!

Pshah! Oh! Hey, this is Harlan Williams. You're listening to the Harland Highway. Winter be gone. Okay? Get out. Go away, winter.

Okay, we're in the middle of April. This is pretty near bikini season. And we're still getting snow and wind and rain and cold temperatures. I'm not digging it, man. I'm not happy with you, nature. You need a spanking. This is just wrong, isn't it? It's like getting a tooth pulled,

but the dentist is pulling it really slow so you can feel that root sliding out of your gum line. Ah. Winter will not go away this. year. I'm predicting we have snow this summer. We're going to be skiing in the summer, skating in the summer, going to be snow drifts on our lawns. It's going to be the coldest summer ever. I don't want to do no more shoveling. I don't want to see no more salt on the road. I don't want to get hitting them, you know what, with another snowball. Go away, winter. This is

an official exorcism. The body of summer implores. you the body of summer implores you the body of summer implores you it's the harland highway there i don't know why i use the word implore i'm trying to confuse the winter season by using the wrong word during my exorcism i think i think the word i's looking for is compels you the body of christ compels you the body of Christ compels you

implores you or employs you or I don't know what I say see that's that's the thing about a lot of these bits I do people I'm going to peel back the curtain here I always enjoyed the raw energy and the magic

that comes from just letting things fly on the first take just so you know I rarely go in and edit stuff when I get on a rant or I start talking or even when I do a bit like you heard the celebrity races earlier

that's just from the moment it starts to the end there's no editing there's no I just roll man I just roll I'm every now and then you'll catch me slip up on a word or you'll hear me say the wrong word and I think I amused myself

but in that last little bit I clearly got the wrong word but I just go with the energy and, hey, I am perfect, man. I ain't perfect. No one said I was perfect, man. Not even me, okay? I'll just do what I do and try to do my best. I am perfect.

Are you perfect, man? So, uh, the body of Christ compels you. And, uh, I compel you to stay here. and enjoy some more of me here on the Harland Highway. How was your Easter? Hope you had a happy Easter. I tell you what, man. My family is not too bright.

You know what I mean? They're not the brightest bulbs on the tree. So I go home, and every year, my mother does the old traditional Easter egg hunt. But my mother doesn't realize when you do an Easter egg hunt, It's supposed to be with, like, eggs still in the shell. I mean, we run around the house and out in the yard, and we look behind the bushes, and there's, like, a Denver omelet.

I look under the couch. There's an eggs Benedict. You know, I go up to the bedroom and ruffle around in my closet. There's some scrambled eggs with mushrooms. You know, and then there's always the eggs she hides that you never find. You know, because there's always no one remembers where they hit everything. So I'll go to bed that night You know

Still got my little room set up from when I'm a kid I go to bed I'm halfway asleep and something starts to stink like salsa And my hair's all gooey And I'm like what the hell I turn on the light There's a Spanish omelet all over me I guess she hit it under the pillow

A big Spanish omelet I got salsa in my hair And cilantro in my eyes Thank God she doesn't and work at a fertility clinic. Can you imagine what that egg hunt would look like? Oh, no! Mm-hmm, that's what I'm talking about.

Eggs from a woman. Hide damn eggs from the woman all over the house. That's kind of creepy. What am I spending Easter with Hannibal Lecter? Hello. Well, listen, folks, I want to update you on my comedy schedule. for those of you that live in Florida, and some of you do.

I think there's five or six. I am going to be at the Miami Improv. The Miami Improv, Thursday, April 15th to the 18th. At the Miami Improv down in Miami, Florida, going to have a B-L-A-S-T, blast, okay? So be there or B-S-W-S-W-S-W-S-W-S-W-E. or be kind of square, be a rectangle. And that's kind of like you're almost fully square,

but you're kind of hip too, so you're a rectangle. But don't you dare show up if you're a triangle or an oval? Okay, I don't want any of that crap. Okay? So that's it. Thanks for riding down the Harlan Highway today. Watch out for shredded truck tires. Be safe.

Be happy and remember that the power of Christ compels you. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby.