The Harland Highway - Podcast 96

Episode Date: April 9, 2010

Home repairs, Gingy the gingerbread man from Shrek, burps & boogers, Dr. Ascot. Sweet tangerine tummy tumblers!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, my friends. This is Peter Lurie. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Peter Lorry, like who remembers that guy? He was a little Dorfie actor back in the day, back in like the 50s, 60s, 40s maybe even. He was in Casablanca. He talked like this, big bulgy eyes. But we're not here to talk about him. Today, we're talking about our show, and oh, my God, what a show, what a show, what a show. We're talking about home repairs. Do you ever have your home repaired, and when the guy leaves, he breaks something else? We're going to be talking about burping.

We're going to be talking about boogers. It's kind of gross. It's really hard to talk about, but I feel it's my moral obligation, my moral duty, to breach the subjects and talk about them. We're going to be having an interview with Gingy, the gingerbread man from the Shrek movies. The actual real Gingy is here in studio. I can't believe it. And last of all, I can't believe it's Friday. And I've got to do my therapy session with that idiot Dr. Ascot.

I can't wait to see what he has in store for me today. But let's not be angry. Let's be happy because it's the Harland Highway. Here we go. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway. Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely.

The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Routspin, and I'm your friend. Writing down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Mmm. Good afternoon, everyone. Everybody who are on the Harland Highway with me, Harland Williams, and in an effort to bring you new and interesting, funny and entertaining guests,

I feel like we have a real scoop here, people. I'm sure you've all seen Shrek 1 or Shrek 2 or Shrek 3. Well, one of the standout stars of Shrek is Gingy. Gingy the Gingerbread Man. I was able to get them in the studio today. Let me start by saying hi and welcome to the show. Hi, everybody, I'm Gingy. So is that your real name, Gingy, or what?

Gingy has the nickname Shrek gave me out of Pure Lov and Adoration. Don't tell him I said that, okay? Yeah, okay, no problem there, Gingy. But, I mean, Gingy's a weird name. I mean, what's your, like, your full name? Your full-fledged, give him birth name. My full birth name is Ginger Brady, Claire, Napoleon, Marshal Tucker, Man, the fourth. Wow.

That is sexy, Jinji. You must have, like, with a name like that, you must have, like, 20 million girlfriends. I don't have a girlfriend currently, but I do date. Oh, I bet you do, huh? Living out in Hollywood, you're a big, like, celebrity now. What do you date in, like, Farrah Fawcett? and Lindsay Lohan, and who are you dating? Little Debbie's a real pop-tart,

and I recently had a date with a little ho-ho named Dolly Madison. A ho-ho. Wow, man. You are living large. All right, give us some of the details of this date with a... Who was it? Dolly, Dolly... Oh, Dolly Madison?

Dolly has the most luxurious pink hair and little frosting lips. Kiss them. Wow, Gingy, sounds like you got the real hot for old Dolly Madison here, buddy. Her candy button eyes are like two, well, candy buttons, actually. She's someone I definitely will be seeing again. Little Debbie and a little ho-ho named Dolly Madison. Wow. Well, you are living the life of Riley, Jinji.

Thanks for coming by and visiting us, man. Will you come back again? Sure, I'd love to. Wow. Well, there you go, folks. Don't tell me I don't get great guests on the Harland Highway. There he is. The gingerbread man, Gingi himself, from the Shrek movies, here on the Harlan Highway.

Okay, now that was cool because, you know, normally I do all the voices on this show, and sometimes, you know, you'll maybe get someone who can imitate a voice. Ladies and gentlemen, that really was Gingy. I'm not even kidding. That was the actual guy who does the voice of Gingy. His name's Conrad Vernon, and he's a buddy of mine. And I called him up at DreamWorks and told him about the Harland Highway and said, we'd love to have you on.

And that is actually the real Gingy. And just hearing his voice makes me laugh. I think he's going to come back later in the show once he gets done with Dolly Madison, the little ho-ho. And what a treat. What a tasty gingerbread treat. I wonder if Gingi has gingivitis. Is that just a give-in if you're a gingerbread man? You're pretty much probably born with gingivitis, right?

Because not where it comes from? I don't know. Oh, come on. I, how did, everything's going real nice and I burp. God, that's disgusting. Kind of funny, though, isn't it? All the ladies are like, oh, God, I'm turning this off. And all the guys are like, oh, a righteous, dude, that was awesome.

You ever do that, though? You ever, you ever been at a party or at a banquet or at a wedding? And you're just talking? and accidentally in the middle of a sentence, a burp comes out in the middle of a word or a, you know, a middle of a little run and you didn't mean to burp. And like, oh, yeah, Mr. Smith,

I really like your daughter. She's really, excuse me. What did you say, man? I said, I really like your daughter. I don't know. I find stuff like that funny. So there. So anyways, one thing,

probably don't find funny is how many of you have had to hire a contractor, had to hire someone to repair your house or install a new washing machine or fix the plumbing or put in new electrical or do yard work, put in new sprinklers, or what have you? I have, and have you had this happen more often than not? A lot of times, like, you'll have someone come in and fix something, and they fix it. But then, like, a day or two after they've left, you realize that something else is broken or isn't working. And it's because they were fiddling in the same area. I'm not kidding.

In the last, like, two months, I had a guy come in, and the piping under my sink was leaking, right? so I had the plumber guys come in they come in they fix it all great job everything's working I'm like oh wicked man thank you you know you feel so good when it's done right and then like a few days later a buddy of mine was over and he goes hey man can I get some water I'm like sure and he goes to the fridge you know how on the fridge door they get those little water maker machines with the ice that comes out and he goes to press that he puts his glass in there it's like clank clank clink clink clank, nothing, clank, clink, nothing.

I open the freezer door. I look in the ice machine maker thing, empty. No water, no ice, nothing. So I realized the dillweed who fixed my sink disconnected my ice machine and my water machine to my fridge. Am I going to get under the counter and crawl under there and tinker around and try and fix it? No, I'm not.

Okay? And then, no kidding, about two weeks later, I had a guy come over and the light over my office door was broken. It was completely ruined. The wiring was gone. It was stripped. So I had the guy put in a new light over my door. And I went there at night and I was like, oh, awesome, man. Look at that.

I can see the steps. I can see the keyhole for my keys. I can get into my office. So then I'm coming out of my office and I look around the garden and I'm like, oh, that's interesting. The lighting in my garden is out. You know, I got some cool, like, tropical trees.

I got, like, palm trees. I got some really, like, cactus and stuff like that. And several of them are accented with, you know, these kind of low-voltage, you know, garden lights so that they kind of illuminate. donate the plants at night and give it that nice look. And I noticed they're all out. And I'm like, oh, maybe the timer's off.

So the next morning I go and look at everything. And boom, the guys, like, somehow disconnected the power, cut the cord, changed the wiring. So my office light is on. Now my yard lights are dead. Okay? Another thing, I had a sink moved in the bathroom in my guest bedroom. I wanted it moved from one wall to another wall to create more space.

And boom, boom, boom. They come in, they do it. They have to rip open the drywall. They have to cut the piping. They have to move the sink. They have to seal up the drywall, blah, blah, blah. They get it done. It looks great.

And then about a week later, I'm starting to notice this kind of faint odor filtering around in the bathroom in there and in the guest bedroom. And I'm like, what the hell? And each day it starts getting a little bit worse. So I close the bathroom door and I'm thinking, what the hell is this? So every time I opened the bathroom door, I just got hit with a wall of this kind of, it smelled like a gassy smell or something and like a natural gas smell. And sure enough, these guys who rearranged the plumbing back there, they cut the ventilation tube for the air,

that comes up through the piping and they didn't uh they didn't reattach it or whatever so i get a brand new uh sink put in and drywall and now i got to rip the wall open again because these guys didn't do it right oh it's frustrating so uh you know just make sure when you get any work done at your house ask a lot of questions check everything before they leave flick every light switch Pull every dial, press every button, and make sure these guys don't take you one step forward and two steps back. You are on the Harland Highway with me, Harlan Williams, Friday afternoon, and the only sad part of Friday is I have to sit with my on-air therapist, Dr. Ascott, and as a job requirement, I must do therapy or I get the pink slip.

So here he is. Hello, Dr. Ascot. Hello, Arland. What are we doing this time? Arland, I want you to talk about your childhood. Oh, I don't want to do that. What are you doing? What is that thing?

I'm turning on a bubble machine, Arland. What are you doing? You turn that off. There's bubbles floating all over my... What are you doing? you doing? Arlen, bubbles are calming. I want you to talk about your childhood.

And let the bubbles float all around you, so you relax, Alan. Okay, I don't need bubbles floating around me, Dr. Ascom. Arlen. I'm telling you, I don't... This is ridiculous. Arlen, do you remember in Wizard of Oz when the good witch from the West floated down in a bubble? Yes, I do. I remember.

Are you a good witch? bad witch. Yes, Holland, exactly. Well, it turns out she was a good witch. Yes, I know. Well, then bubbles are good. What are you talking about? Bubbles are good, Holland. If witches think they're good, then bubbles are good. Oh my God. Holland, talk to me about your childhood. I can't focus with all these bubbles floating around me. Holland. What is this? Holland, this is bubble therapy. This is, this is bubble therapy. This is, This is ridiculous as well. Holland, have you ever had a glass of 7-Up?

Yes. Have you seen all the bubbles? Yes. Do you like 7-Up? Yes. Well, then just imagine you're on a big glass of... I know, 7-Up. Don't finish my sentences, Holland.

Can we just get on with this? Holland, tell me about your childhood. Holland. Okay, look, I grew up. I had a good family. I had four sisters. My father worked really... Ow, God!

A bubble just floated into my eye. Ow, God, that stings. Holland, keep focusing. How can I focus when there's a bubble? A bubble just wet in my mouth. Alan, stop blaming the bubbles for your childhood. I'm not blaming anything.

I got a soap in my mouth. mouth a bubble just flew in my mouth and in my eye allan stop it it's hard to talk about my childhood when i got bubbles in my mouth allan focus on your child to turn off the bubble machine ask god allan i'm not saying another thing to you turn it off turn it off okay arland there i've shut the bubble machine off good I'll continue with your childhood. Thank you. My mother was a social worker, and I used to think that she was the...

Hey, hey, don't turn that on again. Halland, you need the bubbles. I don't need the bubbles. Holland. Ow, my eyes! I got two of my eyes. Ah! Oh, they sting. They sting.

You see how pain for your childhood was, Holland? Those aren't my childhood memories. My eyes are stinging from soap, you idiot. Get out of here. Get out. Turn your bubbles off. Idiot. Keep them out.

Feel like I'm in a fish tank. Holland, would you like me to bring some fish for our next session? Get out of here. Harlem Williams on the Harland Highway. It's ridiculous. Can I get you a seven-up, Holland? Get out of here, Ascot. God, what an idiot, bubbles, dumbass.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Holland. Get out of here. Guy always sticks his head in right at the the end. Here's a question for you. I don't know if it's a moral question or a just a stupid question or a thought-provoking question. I don't know. Let's just say it's a question. Okay? You're at a party. You're out on a date. You're hanging out with a buddy. You're at a bar. You're in a social

setting and you're standing around a lot of people or maybe you're just one-on-one with your university professor or a cop or your fiance's father and you're just standing there talking and all of a sudden you notice a booger hanging out of their nose okay like just a Kentucky fried chicken nugget man just almost It's almost like a chicken breast from Popeye's hanging out of their nose. You know what I mean? We've all been in that situation, man. You're standing there talking to someone and there's like a,

maybe it's just a little dry flake or maybe it's like a kind of a wet, big, gooey one that's hanging on to some hairs. It just, it wouldn't let go. It's like hanging on to some nose hairs, so it's hanging halfway out. or it's kind of just when they kind of bend back a little, you can see it. Or maybe it's even like dropped a little and it's like on their upper lip or just on the side of their cheek. Oh, God, I know. Hard to listen to.

Some of you are saying I'd rather see baby seals get hit in the back of the head with sticks. I know. And who even knows what snot is? You know, what the hell is that stuff? You know, one day it's crunchy, the next day it's liquidy, and then the next day it's like got the consistency of Apple Crisp or pudding. Oh, why am I even talking about it? But it's a dilemma.

What do you do? What do you do when someone has it hanging there and you are stuck in a conversation and you're trying not to look and you're like, you know, they could be talking. about something so you're dating my daughter and tell me how's that going with her she's such a wonderful girl and how did you two meet and and you're not making eye contact you're like looking away at all costs and that person is thinking what the hell i'm asking this guy about my daughter and he won't even look at me what kind of slime bucket is this guy and then finally you've got to

just go sir your daughter's great there's a giant booger hanging out of your nose. Okay? Me and your daughter are doing great. We have sex. We go camping. We love to canoe. But you, sir, have a meteorite coming out of your nose. Could you please pick it or scrape it or blow it up or do something, excavate it, landscape it, put some shrubs around it, put some trees on it, anything so I don't have to look at it. I'm this close to leaving your daughter, sir. Here's what I do. When I see it, I just go, I stop whatever anybody's saying. I don't even care if I know them well, or I just met them,

or they're my best friend, or they're a relative. I just stop everything. I go, hey, hey, man, hey, hold on. There's a, you got a boogie hanging. And then they go, oh, my God, they turn around, and they, You know, that's the other part of it. What do you do with it when you're out in public and you're busted and how many people actually carry Kleenex around in their pockets? You know, girls usually have a purse.

Guys, what do you do? You just grab it and then what? You roll it around and your fingers, you flick it, you stick it to the floor. That's a whole new dilemma that I don't even want to talk about yet here I am talking about it. Aren't you lucky? I could be talking about flowers. I can be talking about the moon. I could be talking about making out with a beautiful girl,

but no, I'm talking about golden nuggets hanging out of your nose. Look, I'm only doing it because I think it's something that needs to be addressed. It's an awkward social thing, and there's no real etiquette. You know, they don't teach that to you at etiquette school, you know? The spoon goes on the left, the fork goes on the right, the knife goes on the right the soup plate goes on the side and if you see someone with a giant

greasy yellow booger tell them to pluck it and stick it on the bottom of the shoe no you don't get that so I'm talking about it let's get through it and there you go I say

I say and I'm not you and you're not me but I say tell someone one right away let them deal with it it lets you have to stop looking at it it lets them not be embarrassed because what's worse you know you're talking on someone for half an hour they go into the men's room or the girls room they look in the mirror and dan don't down down they see it and they're like that damn pricked didn't tell me how to jime mcnugget on my face man what a prick i'm not letting that guy marry my daughter so you tell me what you think you should do um my phone numbers 323-215-1486. 3-2-3-2-1-5-14-86. I wonder what Dr. Ascot would tell me to do.

Oh, then eat it. What? Anyways, speaking of big green boogers, how about Shrek? Shrek's a great big green booger. And I think we have our old friend, Gingy, from Shrek, right here in studio. Let's get back to chatting with him. Wow, what a guest I have in here today. And no one else has got this guy. You're only going to hear him here. The voice of the gingerbread man.

His real name is Conrad Vernon. Just in case you're wondering, he also was the director of Shrek 2. So not only does Jinji's voice, but does so much more, visit his blog at Conrad 19. 168, blogspot.com. Conrad Vernon, voice of Gingy the Gingerbread Man. How you doing, Gingy? Hi, everybody. I'm Gingy. Hey, Gingy, it is great having you here.

You know, we see you in the movies. You do a great job. You're funny. You're charming. You're great. And we don't know much about you. Like, the simple things. Like, I don't know.

Like, what's your... Your favorite color. My favorite color. Hmm. Wow. Well, I'd have to say probably technical color. It's the color of gumdrops, rainbows, and ponies. The grass, the ponies eating.

Life, really. Okay. That's kind of deep, man, for a guy made out of, like, dough and stuff. Speaking of life, does Jinji ever get sad? And if you do, how do you handle it? What do you do, Jinji? You know, when I'm sad, I listen to slow 50s do-wop music. Need a tub of cookie dough ice cream.

Ah, you like the old cookie dough, huh? See, I like to eat the ice cream, save the cookie dough, and bake myself someone to talk to. Wait a minute, so you're like creating life? You're creating these other creatures to talk to out of dough? Are you playing God, Jinji? Honestly, I don't think the two have anything to do with each other. Not quite sure I understand the question

Why don't we move on Okay, okay Well, what kind of things Bothered Gingy? What, like, what's a pet peeve? What pisses Gingy off, man? Considerate people who change the channel while you're watching TV.

Okay, gotcha, right, what else? When my sunglasses fall off my head into the toilet? Okay, what else? When video games cheat? Okay, when video games... All right, that's just all basic stuff that happens to all of us. I want to know what really grinds you, Gingy. What really, really gets under your skin or under your crunchy molasses, gingery, sugary,

surface? Interviews that last too long? Oh. Oh. Okay. Uh, yeah. Sorry if I went on a bit too long, Gingy. Will you come and see me again?

soon. Sure, I love to. Okay, great. Thank you, Jinji the gingerbread man from the Shrek movies, only here on the Harland Highway. Yes, thank you, Jinji. That was, uh, that was illuminating. That was fun. Um, you know, getting behind the scenes with a very famous, uh, movie character. Um, and I guess Shrek 4 will be coming out quite soon. I've still. started to see the commercials for it. So maybe we'll get Gingy in here again and visit with him. Wouldn't it be cool, though, to see Gingy partying with, like, people from his own, like, kind of clique? You know, imagine you're just walking down the street and you peek through a living room window.

You catch a glimpse of Gingy and the Pillsbury Jee. doughboy and Gumbie and snuggles the fabric softener bear and, uh, you know, Bob's big boy and all these freaks just, uh, parting away, you know, doing drinks, playing beer pong, smoking doobies, playing twister, playing charades. Oh, that would, that would be a party. I'd like to be a fly on the wall at that party, man. And you know there would be some cool stuff. Just, you know, picture like a Jim Morrison Doors, like Andy Warhol type party.

And here's all these nutty little iconic name brand characters. You know, Mrs. Butterworth is doing, like, some limbo dancing, you know. Aunt Jemima's like in the corner listening to some rap and just, like, busting a move. She's cranked up on ecstasy. She's got the glow sticks on, and she's sucking on a baby pacifier, just jamming in the corner or a big fat pancake-filled butt, just jumping up and down and bouncing all around. Oh, yeah, baby.

I want to go to that party. Brought to you by Procter & Gamble, it's Rave Night here on the Harlan Highway. And speaking of party, ladies and jajaj gentlemen, there's going to be a party in Miami on April 15th to the 18th. Yours truly, Harland Williams, will be doing stand-up comedy live at the Miami Improv. You can go to my website for more details or go to Miami Improv.com for tickets. That'll be April 15th to the 18th. in Miami, Florida, the Miami Improv.

I hope you can get out to see me. And if you can't tell your friends, alert your friends who live in the neighborhood. And I look forward to being out there and making y'all laugh. So until I see you in Manatee Country, my friends, keep the pedal to the metal, get your seatbelt on, and we'll catch you next time on the Harland Highway.

And until then, chicken. Chowman, baby. Interviews that last too long?