The Harland Highway - Podcast 99

Episode Date: April 16, 2010

Sex changes, prom season, visit from my cousin Kevin, and Dr. Ascots Friday therapy. Sweet unicorn droppings! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Don't worry, kid. We'll always have Paris. Here's looking at you, sweetheart. All right, today we're going to be talking about sex changes, prom season. Dr. Ascot is here, and my cousin Kevin is in for a visit on the Harland Highway. You just made a wrong turn. Would you kindly shut your mouth? On to the Harland Highway.

Oh, it's lovely. It's just lovely. The Harlan Highway. Hi, Harlan! I'm Teddy Romp-spin, and I'm your friend. Riding down the Harlan Highway. I'm not your daddy. Hmm.

Who's paying alimony? Huh? Who's doing it? You're listening to Harlan Williams here on the Harland Highway, and who out there is paying? alimony. It hurts. Yeah, it's not fun if you're doing it. But imagine this, guys, if you were paying alimony, she decided to go in and get a sex change. And so now she has become Larry. And now you're shelling out the bucks so your ex-wife can go out and play football and drink

beers with the guys down at Flanagan's. Is that fair? I mean, aren't you supposed to pay alimony to the person you married? All of a sudden, you're supporting a guy? How do you explain that to your friends? Hey, man, you're still paying alimony? Yeah. How's it going?

Well, you know, Larry just bought a new Corvette Stingray and got a set of new golf clubs, man. What are you talking about, dude? my wife, Larry? I thought your wife was Karen. Yeah, well, she was, but now he's Larry. I got in a fist fight with him, and I didn't want to pay him anymore, but he beat my ass.

Wait a minute. Your own wife beat your ass? Karen? Well, Larry beat my ass who's Karen, and so now if I don't pay him the alimony, he's going to kick my ass again with his brand new golf shoes on.

The Harland Highway. Okay, I'm all up, dude. Yeah, so is Karen. Larry. Karen. Yeah, it gets confusing, man. I mean, I don't, I got to ask you people, and this may not be politically correct, but I don't give a crap

because, you know, it needs to be talked about. What is the deal with guys that want to become women and women that want to become guys? Notice the big silent pause there. I just I'm befuddled, I'm confused, you know, I guess in life, if you want to do something,

maybe that's the beauty of life, maybe that's the beauty of our modern technology that you can do that. I mean, the idea that you're born a gender and you can physically alter that gender is kind of like a modern day miracle. But psychologically, I just can't wrap my head around it, man. Like, I just don't know if I buy it. And if you're someone who's done it, I'm sorry. I'm not knocking you. I'm just confused. I don't really get why you'd want to do it.

I mean, I think I saw Cher, you know, from Sonny and Share, Shere's kid on TV the other day, who used to be a girl and now looks like a truck driver with eating problems. And I've seen guys turn into girls. I swear to God, I was in a green room once at a comedy club years ago. And there was this pretty decent looking broad in there. and halfway through our conversation

she said oh yeah about a year ago I was a dude and I was like what and I'm telling you this this dude or girl or whatever actually looked pretty hot she goes yeah I just got my boobs done or he said I just got my boobs done would you want to see them and before I can say no or yes he or she or whatever he was ripped the shirt away and I just looked away.

I did not want to see them. Look, I don't want to get confused, okay? Just because you're confused, don't mess my brain up, okay? If some pimply-faced dude who's a male man one week, and then the next week looks like Kelly LeBrock, I mean, come on, man. Us guys have enough problems controlling our sexual urges, and keeping our pants and trying to stay monogamous.

And then you've got to throw a curveball at me where, you know, one week you're an ugly couch potato, and the next week you actually look kind of delicious. I don't want to be messed up. I don't want to be confused. You're either a guy or you're a girl. Don't bait and switch me, man. Don't put some bait out and reel me in.

I'm telling you, man, if some girl took me home, or I had a romance with a girl and halfway through it, she told me her name used to be David and she was, you know, on the hockey team and like to watch the Incredible Hulk when he was a kid. I'd flip out. I would turn into the Hulk and throw that he, she through a window, man. So I don't know. I'm just a little mixed up by it all.

but it's funny we live in a society where we can facilitate these types of desires of people and I guess one of my questions is because right away you go well is it politically incorrect to talk about it or not talk about it or should you say anything and what this is what worries me about society sometimes things like this will happen

and the jury's not really out on whether they're right wrong, but the rest of society is made to feel that if we speak up against it or question it or don't agree with it, we're wrong, that we're bad people. We're in a society now where suddenly you're not allowed to kind of speak out about what you think about it or whether it's something you agree with or don't agree with or, you know what I mean? And I don't know. It just raises a whole set of questions. And at what point do you have to say, you know what, we're living creatures and we follow the laws of nature? And nature created a man and a woman. And I don't think they were intended to be chopped up and switched. I really don't think

that was in nature's plan, but let's face it, man, human beings maybe shouldn't have been in nature's plan. I mean, what good have we done for this planet, let alone done to ourselves over the centuries? I guess there's a lot worse things

we've done to each other than changing, swapping our penises and vaginas around. But I'm going to stand on what I just said. It confuses me. I guess, you know, if I had those feelings, if I had those desires, it would be crystal clear, and it wouldn't confuse me. But I don't, so I'm just being honest, and it's a mixer-upper to me. And, you know, I guess I can't knock it because if it was me who wanted it done and I was allowed to get it done, well, then I would probably go get it done.

But I just, I, it's an odd one. I can't get my hands around it. I can't get my head around it. So I guess I'll just leave it at Live and Let Live. Ksar-Sah-S-rah-rah. And whose line is it anyhow? Hello! Okay, so prom season's coming up.

We here at the Harland Highway, you know, know that it's never easy for a young gentleman to ask a little lady to the prom. So we brought some kid in here I guess my producers found some kid We're gonna help them practice Asking a girl out to a prom Kind of help him, you know, do his lines Come here

What's your name, kid? David Okay, David Have you picked a girl That you want to ask to the prom yet? Not yet Well, okay When you do find that special girl

What are you going to ask her? I'm going to ask her if she likes cinnamon. Wait a minute. What? I'm going to ask her if she likes cinnamon. Okay, wait a minute. Why would you ask her if she... Wait a minute, what's that seam on the side of your head? Are you kidding?

Do you have a rubber mask on, kid? Pull that mask off your head. Oh, my God. Hi, I'm cinnamon boy. And I love cinnamon. Oh, gross. Great. I can't believe it. You come in here, pretending you need advice to go to the prom, and all you're really in here for... Is cinnamon! Because I love cinnamon. I'm cinnamon boy!

Oh, get them out of here, you freak. I'm not a freak. I'm a cinnamon freak. I'm a cinnamon freak. And I love cinnamon. Get out of here. There's no way that freak's getting a date to the prom. I don't need a date. I've got cinnamon. Get out of here. It's Harland Williams. All right, I got to say something regarding prom night, too. This is for the guys, the young guys that are listening. And this, no comedy here.

This is for real. Okay, this is for real. Be careful out there. All right. Be careful. Don't be drinking and driving. I know it's a huge night of celebration. You're kind of, you know, kind of stepping into adults.

After the prom, you've kind of done your high school, it's a big night. A lot of you feel like you need to drink to mark the occasion to prove you're becoming an adult. Well, just be careful. I think a lot of kids every year get into horrible car racks and children, you know, students are killed and maimed and all in the name of a drink. you got your whole life ahead of you so don't screw it up on prom night just be careful and that's that's that's that's the real deal no comedy here no bits just uh be safe and uh don't feel peer pressured into boozing it up and then getting behind the wheel there you go that's me being your daddy just looking out for you kids um do you guys out there listening you

older listeners, remember your prom night? I remember mine, man. It was fun. It was a good time. And I remember, I think it was one of the first times I stayed up all night. The sun was coming up. And I had my parents car. And I was drinking a little bit the night of the prom, but I was never much of a drinker. So, you know, by the time the early morning rolled around i was completely sober we were in our tuxedos and we were yucking it up and i remember getting on the highway like at five in the morning just as the sun was coming up there's there wasn't one car on the highway and so i was just driving across it like weaving across four lanes like zigzag zigzag you know just yucking it up and then got onto the surface streets

and I went through a no left turn signal and got pulled over and cop gives me a ticket. Welcome to adulthood, son. Here's a ticket. Start eating it. You better go get a job so you can pay for this crap. Your insurance just went up. Welcome to the adult world loser.

I'll never forget it too because, you know, the cop clearly knew it was prom night. I mean, me and my buddies were sitting there in these cheesy, ass, you know, 1980s tuxedos with the big fat velvet bow ties. And it's like, dude, way to rain on the parade. Like, you know, I even told

I said, oh, we're just coming from our prom. He's like, oh, good for you. Here's a $90 ticket. Thanks, Orfussor. Oh. Wow. Yeah, not fun. And how many of you guys

when you were at prom were like, man, I don't know if i'm ever going to see any of these people again so i'm going to hit on every girl that i thought was cute tonight because i might not ever see him again and you know i've always wanted to hit on them so i'll see if i can get a smooch out of them or something yeah i was a bit of a rascal i think i i think i made out with about eight different girls on my prom night nothing major just like a little kiss or in the elevator or there was a lot of that going on man people flirting. People brought dates, but everyone was checking out everybody else's date. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Then they handed out awards at our prom. I actually remember I got a coffee mug and a plaque that said most likely to succeed. And I don't know if they gave it to me as a joke or they were serious. I think they were serious.

But I always thought that was cool. And I've always been a motivated guy to work on projects. And I like to succeed at whatever I put my hands on. So even back then I thought that was kind of an appropriate little. Little award they gave me, if that's what you want to call it. But those were the days, man. Those were the days. I wish they had a prom for everything.

You know, for every 10 years, we should have a prom. Right? You hit 20, you get a prom. You hit 30, you get a prom. You hit 40, you get a prom. You hit 50, you get a prom. Right? Because it's like, you know, prom's so cool.

made it through school well how about i made it through my thirties hey man who you take into the prom uh my divorced wife you hit 40 hey man who you take into the prom uh my new 17 year old girlfriend you hit 50 hey man who you take into the prom um my back brace and my walker and so on and so on right but yeah it's like every 10 years you should and throw a big party for yourself and invite Sissy Spaceic and throw pig's blood all over the place. Hello!

Hey, everybody, you're on the Harland Highway. And, golly, I'm excited. I got my little cousin, Kevin Hearn, in here with me today. It's good to have family on the show. It keeps you grounded. It keeps your feet planted and the old TerraFirmo and you got family. Hi, Kev.

Hi, Har. How are you? I'm good, man. What's going on? Well, I'm, you know, just off the road. I've been touring with my band, Bear Naked Ladies, and just stopped here in L.A. for a few days to visit you. What a treat, man.

Well, it's fun to have you here. You want to talk about fish? Fish? Yeah. Okay, sure. Well, what do you know about fish? Well, they're tasty and delicious, but you should be conscious of what you're buying

and because there's a lot of fish out there that need a break. Oh, God. What do you mean they need a break? Like, here, here a carp, here's a 20, go get a coffee and a milkshake. What do you mean they need a break? Exactly. What if the bitch need a break? Yeah, I've been swimming for 40 years.

I need a break. Mind if I lay on your boat for a while? I just mean the appetite for things like sushi is rapidly growing and the equipment that is being developed to catch fists, They just don't have a chance anymore. Well, we don't want them to have a chance. They had a chance. They wouldn't be in our bellies, would they?

Well, they won't be for long if there's none left. Well, do you eat a lot of fish? I do like fish, yeah. Well, then there's our problem right there. It's you. It's delicious. Yeah, you're the one eating them all, Captain Sushi. Yeah, don't eat fish because I want them.

Yeah, don't eat fish so Kevin can eat them all. Now, what's your favorite fish to eat? I'd have to say rainbow trout. Why? You know, rainbows the adopted symbol for the gay community, right? What are you coming out here? What are you doing? What's going on?

Or a lake trout. Oh, okay. The rainbow trout. I like the gay fish. Gay fish are delicious, aren't they? Yes, they're happy. Waiter, I'll have a gay fish, please. Waiter this fish tastes straight

Take it back I ordered a gay fish It's crowded in those tanks I wonder if groupers would be considered gay Why would you think a grouper would be gay I don't know it just I don't know It has that connotation doesn't it Hey man you want to have a grouper tonight

I don't thanks I'm having a rainbow trout I'm busy God So what's do fish Do you actually go fish I have on occasion, but no. I usually just go to the fish market, you know, once a week and buy a fish and cook it up. What are you, a grizzly bear?

No wonder the fish stocks are being depleted. Well, I don't eat a lot of meat, you know. I don't eat a lot of red meat. Hey, fish are made out of meat, buddy. I've never caught a fish and it's like, wow, this is delicious soy. When it comes to meat, I like fish or chicken usually. Really? I like blonde.

Hello! Harlan Williams. Yeah, there you go. Me and my cousin Kevin. Kevin, a very, very, very, very, very talented musician. You can check out Kevin's website at Kevinhern.com. That's H-E-A-R-N. Kevin is the keyboard player for Bare Naked Ladies

And he does some touring with Lou Reed He plays keyboard and guitar with Lou when he's on the road And some of the songs you've heard on this very podcast Are done with Kevin and me and Kevin Kevin Kevin doing all the music and I'll do the singing but always fun to have my cousin kev around and we'll do some more interviews with him in podcast to come

how's that sound it's so fun knowing someone who is musically inclined I don't know if you've got anyone in your family or any friends who play an instrument or a piano or a guitar or anything like that. But it's one of the disciplines in life that I was never able to master. I took piano lessons when I was a kid and I found it annoying. And then there's a couple of times in my life where I picked up a guitar and tried to play.

But my mind just doesn't work in that way. You know, I've tried to hit the drums a few times. And, you know, it just, I just can't get stuff in. in my head, you know, picking the frets and following the notes and getting into the rhythm, but my mind is musical. I love music. I like to, you know, imagine melodies and songs in my head when it comes to, like, just singing a song, kind of improvising. I can do that. I have a lot of fun doing that, but not good at playing instruments. I remember when I was a kid, I had to walk up to my piano lessons in the snow and I just hated it so I'd purposely drop my piano books in the in the

slush and the snow by the time I got to my piano lessons they'd be drenched one day the uh the piano teacher just had had enough and she looked at me she says you don't want to do this do you and I just went no I don't and my mother always said to me when I was a kid she goes Harland someday when you're older you'll thank me for these piano lessons i know you can't see it now because you're a kid but when you get old and you're able to play the piano you're going to be glad i made you go to those lessons and you know what she was right i wish i had stuck it through i wish i was fluent in piano it's it's a beautiful instrument it's fun to sit down and play it's relaxing it's it's it's wonderful so uh you know i'm jealous of all you people that can play and my

the reason i brought that up is because my cousin uh he's one of these guys it's just you kind of say hey can you play this and he jumps on the piano and he plays and you say how about this song and he gets on the guitar and he plays and it just goes on and on and uh it always impresses me and i guess it's never too late i'm still at an age where i could learn but i don't know what i do with it but how many of you people out there guys in particular if you could do it all over again you know looking at your life's now maybe you're not so content maybe you you know you played it safe and you're at a nine to five job or you're doing something you don't necessarily have a passion for you don't necessarily love how many of you if you if you can

go back, would just throw all caution to the wind and go, you know what? I don't have any money in my pocket, but I got an electric guitar, and I got a goofy friend who plays drums, and, you know, I can sing a little bit, and I'm just going to go for it, man, and just see where it leads, and see if it led to a life of fun and adventure and girls and money and parties and fame and fortune and even if you didn't get that far just going on that journey would it would have been worth it for you and if not a rock band is there some other thing in your life that you wish you had pursued wished you had taken a stab at it wish you had at least tried it for a little bit or somewhere in the back of your head you still you

know you still know you have it or you know you had it and you know that you had you have that impulse you would have done well at it i don't know now i'm starting to sound like a therapist and oh my god look at that it is friday you know what that means oh boy it's friday you know what that means everybody i have to do my weekly on-air therapy session with Dr. Ascot, a requirement of my job here. Unbelievable. I can't believe I ever let them get away with this. I don't like it.

It's humiliating. It's degrading. It exposes me in a very intimate way to all my listeners, which I don't really like. I don't like people knowing my inner angst and my inner problems. But the people upstairs said, have to do it. So here we go. Dr. Ascot, hello. Hello, Arland. What are we doing today, man? Arland, today I want to dwell into your abandonment issues. I don't have abandonment issues. Holland. What? I don't have abandonment issues.

Holland. At some point in everybody's lives, they feel abandoned. Well, I don't think I've experienced that. Arlen, today I am going to walk through that door, and you will feel an emptiness when I am gone. Well, what do you mean? It's an experiment, Arland. Watch as I exit the door, and you feel abandonment. Okay, go ahead. Here I go, Harlan, through the door. Okay.

Okay. I get it. You're gone through the door. You can come back in now. Dr. Ascot? I get it. Message received. Dr. Ascott.

Dr. Ascott? What? Are you coming back? Where did he go? Where's Dr. Ascott? Mommy. Mommy, I don't like the dark, mommy. Dr. Ascot, come back.

Dr. Hello, Alland. Oh, thank God, you're back. Goodbye, Holland. Hey! No, don't close the door again. Come back. Where are you?

Hello, Holland. Oh, thank God I felt so... Goodbye, Arland. Hey! What the hell are you doing? Hello, Arland. Hey, thank you. Just stay here.

Goodbye, Allent. Hey! Come back. Don't leave me all alone. I don't want to be here all alone. Come back. Have a great weekend, everybody. I'm so alone.

Come back. It's Harland Williams. Yes, it is I, and yes, our time is up. just like my therapy session is up our time today is up on the harland highway i want to say thank you uh for coming out for listening wherever you are i hope you're doing amazing be safe remember to smile and uh do something nice for someone whenever you get a chance and until then Till next time, my faithful friends, chicken chowmaine.

Chicken chow main, baby. Goodbye, all, under. Hey!